1. You Don’t Need to Explain Why. They Know Why. They Don’t Respect or Listen to You.

This is the number one thing I see people struggle with. You feel that you need to explain why, or at least inform them that you’re going no contact. How else will they understand?

My therapist reminded me that I’d spent a lifetime explaining and trying to get my parent to see me, to no avail. Eventually, I realized that I was teaching my bully how to bully me. The truth is, going no contact isn’t about your parents. It’s about you and your needs. They’ll never change, understand, or accept blame. They don’t believe that your needs are important. They only want to control you.

If you feel compelled to write a letter, write it. Organizing your thoughts on the page can be really helpful. Just DON’T SEND IT. You’ll end up waiting for a response, postponing your own healing.

2. No Contact Sets a Healthy Boundary. It’s NOT the Silent Treatment.

If your parents used silence as punishment, you may view it as something negative, something to fear. Silence isn’t good or bad. It’s how it’s used that makes the difference. Giving your child the silent treatment is emotional abandonment. It’s abuse, purposely inflicted to gain control over a child.

When you go no contact, you’re not looking to punish anyone. You are doing what your parents wouldn’t. You’re protecting yourself from further abuse.

3. Remove tracking from your devices. Block your toxic parents’ email, phone, and social media. CHANGE YOUR PASSWORDS.

Become your own superhero! Form a big protective bubble around you by blocking all digital forms of communication, removing tracking from your devices, and changing your passwords. As parents realize that they’re yelling into a void, they’ll adjust their tactics. They want the reaction, positive or negative.

• PARENTAL “WORRY” They may show up unexpectedly at your home or your job and feign concern for your well-being to a neighbor or co-worker.
• LOVE BOMBING Abusers try to lure back their targets by sending gifts and “I love you/miss you/I’m sorry” messages. Have they changed? No. Do they understand that they hurt you? Yes, and they don’t care. As soon as they have your attention back, they will be up to their old tricks.

Document these instances, date/time/location. Save voicemails, videos, and screenshots of texts in an evidence folder in case you need to file an order of protection.

4. Prepare simple statements for encountering enablers, flying monkeys, and your abuser.

People who didn’t experience narcissistic abuse, or toxic parenting have no frame of reference for just how bad it can be. You may find yourself doing a lot of unnecessary explaining. Some come with curiosity, some with judgment. Both can be triggering. Preparing simple statements, the way an official would prepare for a press conference can help get the point across and keep you focused on why you are in no contact.

The abuser may use enablers or flying monkeys to send messages and intimidation. This can be jarring. Your Aunt Sally may think she’s “saving the family” when really she’s part of the abuse. Setting boundaries is essential. Communicate what is and isn’t acceptable for you to have a relationship. Make the statement simple and easy to repeat. It may take a few times for them to understand. You may need to gray rock or go low or have no contact with those who continue to ignore your boundaries.

5. TRAUMA BOND confuses abuse for love-causing GUILT, SHAME, & LONGING. It’s chemical, NOT FAILURE.

Trauma Bond (a.k.a. Stockholm Syndrome) is one of the largest obstacles to drawing healthy boundaries in a toxic relationship. When abusers alternate between punishing then consoling a child, it creates an unhealthy attachment. Your fight or flight emergency response locks in the “on” position and you become addicted to the dopamine, cortisol, and adrenaline rush. If you’re struggling with going no contact, you’re not weak. You’re going through physical withdrawal.

Just like anyone who is chemically dependent, you experience mental and physical symptoms that are out of your control. These can feel torturous and come in the form of guilt and shame. You’re body tricks you into remembering the manufactured version of your parent, not the truth. “My parent bought me one of my favorite toys as a kid. They’re not so bad.” You forget that they held the cost of the toy over your head, hid it from you when they were mad, and then ultimately destroyed it in a rage.

Abusers only want you to remember the parts that make them look good. When you widen the lens and remember what became before and after, you realize why you feel hurt and confused. It may help to write a cheat sheet of the entire story for when the guilt and longing try to take over.

6. Threats aren’t facts. Be informed. Research your rights.

Toxic parents know what you will or won’t accept. They deftly play the line so that you’ll believe their lies. Threats of suing for “grandparents’ rights” or having you locked away may instill paralyzing fear. That’s the abuser’s plan, for you to be too afraid to leave them or even research the truth.

Abusers lie. Get the facts. Research credible sources online, and call law professionals. Some lawyers will give a free consultation. It never hurts to ask. It CAN hurt you if you DON’T know your rights.

Visit the CPTSD Foundation’s page linked below for a list of legal resources

Click here for Legal Resources

7. Adjust as you go. You’re figuring it out, not failing.

You may break no contact due to a birthday, respond to a love bomb, or give in to the guilt of trauma bond only to feel that you’ve been duped again. That’s ok. You just re-establish your boundaries. People often beat up on themselves for being foolish. You’ve been through enough. Be kind to yourself. Let go of perfection and allow yourself to make mistakes.

7. Get Support. Trauma-informed therapists & medication can make your transition more manageable.

“Anything that’s human is mentionable, and anything that is mentionable can be more manageable. When we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary. The people we trust with that important talk can help us know that we are not alone.”

Thanks, Mr. Rogers.

Going no contact is a big change. Children of toxic parents become so used to hiding, that it may be hard for you to reach out to trusted friends or family. DO IT ANYWAY. People may surprise you with stories of their own. There’s a natural grieving process and you’re going to need support.

• ASK THERAPISTS IF THEY ARE TRAUMA INFORMED Not every mental health professional is trauma informed. If they encourage you to try to continue a relationship with a toxic parent, they may not be the right fit. Would they encourage someone to return to a cult?
• MEDICATION There’s a stigma about medication. My therapist gave a great explanation. When you break your arm, you get something for the pain so that you don’t go into shock. Getting the right meds can take a few tries, but may ultimately soften the pain enough to allow you to function.
• TELL YOUR STORY You’ve been trained to protect the abuser, so you’re holding all sorts of trauma in your body. Find a release outlet such as writing or talking with a trusted friend. Don’t be ashamed of grief. Mr. Rogers believed
• SUPPORT GROUPS Online support groups have been immensely helpful. I see so much of my experience in what others share.

8. It Gets Better. Taking brave, positive action is HARD and WORTH IT.

Toxic parents groom their children into believing that any action they take for themselves is selfish. They only want you to do for them. That’s why this transition may feel unnatural, even wrong at first. BE SELFISH! Give yourself what you need. You may feel defensive, ashamed, or angry. Write out why you feel this way. What are your fears?

As you continue no contact, you may realize just how much of the abuse existed, and also, that it wasn’t your fault. You may find a new sense of peace from ordinary things, such as simply not having to worry about harassing messages. I call these “little freedoms.” Over time, you’ll reframe a lot of the abuse. People have described it as turning on a light. You see so much more.

Just go one step at a time, expect setbacks, lean into grief, and remember that YOU’RE WORTH IT!!!

Want to practice going no contact?

CLICK HERE to participate in “Going No Contact with Toxic Parents | Choose Your Own Adventure.”