Do you feel valued right now?

In a world where everything is falling apart around us, it’s hard to feel valued. There are too many layoffs and new staff being hired that need training.

You might have those dark thoughts that creep into your head on your commute to work when you are alone in the car. You might be queuing in the grocery store after work one day, and it’s taking longer than it should when those thoughts meander back into your consciousness.

Are you happy right now?

Are you good enough?

Are you wondering if you will be furloughed or laid off next?

When we face uncertainty in life, we naturally turn inwards. We turn to our friends and loved ones to regain our balance. It’s during these conversations and reflections that we start to see things in a different way.

We know there is no point in worrying about things that are out of our control, but if our jobs are on the line, we can’t help it. There’s too much at stake if we are in a position to lose a steady paycheck. It’s hard to see beyond that, and those self-defeating thoughts can worm into our lives. They usually eat away at our self-esteem and confidence.

There are many things you can do to feel better when faced with uncertainty. I’ve faced uncertainty and challenges many times as a trauma survivor and beyond. What I’ve learned is that no matter what, you must keep on living. You’ve come so far to get to this point, and no matter what happens in life ,  you are in charge of it.

I believe my experience can help you, my readers, to find solace and feel better even if you are having a tough time. I’ve compiled a list of things that I do to feel better.

Here are 15 things to do when you face uncertainty:

1. Acceptance. Be honest with yourself: say what you are feeling and why. Acknowledging how you feel can help you tackle those emotions. Accept that you cannot please everyone, no matter how hard you try. We all have our imperfections and quirky behaviors. It’s what makes us human beings.
2. Take care of you first. If you have had a difficult day when the boss has been riding you every moment, recognize that stress. Practice self-care and use grounding techniques and mindfulness. Notice your breath as you breathe out the anger and stress.
3. Exercise is a great de-stressor. I love going for a swim or a run when I’m stressed. Maybe exercising can benefit you too.
4. Think of short-term goals that you can achieve when you are feeling overwhelmed. These are things you can control, like your daily routines and home life. Focus on short tasks that you can do straight away to feel a sense of achievement.
5. Reach out to friends and family. Talk about how you are feeling and voice those emotions out loud.
6. Stop comparing yourself to others. Everyone has their own path to lead, and yours is unique to you.
7. Think about your language. How are you expressing the way you are feeling? Can you say what you are feeling in a better, more positive way?

You tell yourself: “I suck at giving work presentations. My colleagues are way better than me.”

Instead, say: “I’m not that great at giving presentations yet because I haven’t had enough practice. My friends are better than me because they have had more time.”

8. Reduce your stress. If something is making you feel anxious like watching the news or sitting in a traffic jam for hours to and from work — avoid them. Turn off the news and go a different route.

9. Think about your happy place. When you are feeling overwhelmed, it can really help to do something that makes you happy. You might have a letter or a positive message that can give you a boost. Notice that feeling? Now harness that and fill up on the joy for a while.

10. Challenge your reality. Let’s face it, life can be unpredictable and uncertain. Think about why you feel this way? What caused it? Is it your interpretation or factual? What would someone else say / do if they were in the same situation?

11. Put your situation into perspective. When we face uncertainty, emotions get in the way. When we are emotional, we can’t think clearly.

My nan gave me the advice “to never go to bed angry.” I didn’t understand her as a child, but I do now. A fresh perspective without emotion does help.

Ask yourself: What’s the worst that can happen? How likely is this to happen? 

What are the repercussions? Will it matter in a year / two years / ten years from now?

12. Reframe your thoughts. Think of how you can turn your uncertain situation into something positive. Could there be an opportunity for growth?

13. Past successes to pave the way for your future. Think about what you have achieved so far in life. How far you have come to get to this point.

14. Gratitude and reflection. Think about all the things that you already have. Your qualities and talents. Your family and friends. Maybe a new change would be good for you?

15. Believe in yourself. If you can believe it — you will achieve it. A positive mental attitude can make a big difference to your outlook in life.

I’ve been through many challenges in my life and I’m still here. Sometimes it’s not about the situation itself but how you move on from it.

How will you handle your uncertainty right now?

My name is Lizzy. I’m a trauma survivor, a wife, a mom, a teacher, and an author.

If you like reading my posts, then please follow me.

For more about me: www.elizabethwoodsauthor.com

Support your fellow writer:

https://ko-fi.com/elizabe69245484

Photo Credit: Unsplash

Guest Post Disclaimer: This guest post is for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing shared here, across CPTSDfoundation.org, any CPTSD Foundation website, our associated communities, or our Social Media accounts, is intended to substitute for or supersede the professional advice and direction of your medical or mental health providers. The thoughts and opinions expressed are those of the guest author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CPTSD Foundation. For further details, please review the following: Terms of Service, Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer

Elizabeth Woods

For more about me: https://www.elizabethwoodsauthor.com

Elizabeth Woods grew up in a world of brutal sex offenders, murderers, and inconceivably neglectful adults. Elizabeth is passionate about spreading awareness of what it is like to survive after trauma. She is the author of several books and has written her memoir, telling her childhood story: The Sex-Offender’s Daughter: A True Story of Survival Against All Odds, available on Amazon Kindle and paperback.

Elizabeth is also the author of “Living with Complex PTSD” and the Cedar’s Port Fiction series: “Saving Joshua”, “Protecting Sarah”, “Guarding Noah” and “Bringing Back Faith,” and “Restoring Hope,” available here: https://www.amazon.com/stores/author/B0BCBZQN7L/allbooks?ingress=0&visitId=7e223b5b-1a29-45f0-ad9d-e9c8fdb59e9c&ref_=ap_rdr&ccs_id=931f96e2-c220-4765-acc8-cc99bb95e8bd

www.elizabethwoodsauthor.com/

I have spent years struggling in Schools, from elementary to middle school, high school, and finally, many, far too many years at two-year colleges. I have several degrees from those junior colleges, so I am not an ignoramus, nor am I an intellectual; yet I often sit and notice that I frequently feel empty of intelligence. It is as if I experience the moment as a man who is just empty of thought. In those moments, I feel as though I know nothing whatsoever. If you asked me a question, I’d be void of the answer. I could have a doctorate, I imagine, and I’d feel the same void of knowledge in these moments in time. How is knowledge necessary to my ‘identity’ if I sit empty-headed in the moment?

I mentioned I struggled throughout my school years. What do I mean by that? Daydreaming, inability to concentrate or focus, impulsive to be the clown, seeking attention, and thus getting the paddle frequently from the principal (in middle school, it was the vice-principal who performed the ‘imperative’ corrective punishment). Something was wrong with me; something was wrong in my family; something was wrong in society. Back in the 1960s, when I was in elementary school, I was threatened with being held back on several occasions; Yet, I was somehow pushed forward to the higher grades. Perhaps with a hope I would mature, and/or snap out of “it.”

However, I think I was probably looked upon as simply being “willful,” exercising my free will and “choosing” unacceptable behavior. Where were the school psychologists back then, to take notice of a struggling, disturbed child? Passed through the system, like a badge of honor to the schools for having taught me what I was supposed to have learned. I barely managed grades good enough for high school graduation. I most likely didn’t. Yet they allowed me a diploma. Probably to get rid of me, out of the system, and let themselves shine for not having ‘failed’ that one.

Where were the psychologists in my high school? Maybe they were there, but I was unreachable… I look back and know that now. What a sad journey for a troubled child. I hope it is better for children today, especially those who are troubled. 

Suddenly, it dawns on me that this may be a form of dissociation, characterized by a sense of empty-headedness from the moment, a blanking out. Why did I begin a paper on my state of feeling empty of knowledge? For one thing, it just struck me as “bizarre.” The experience almost makes it seem as if education is unimportant to who we are in the moment, and certainly unimportant to who I am anyway. My sense of feeling loved, experiencing anxiety, trying to remember what happiness felt like, feeling the biting arrows of bullying, criticism, or rejection from others, all float within, inside/outside the bounds of knowledge.

Life, it seems, exists in the realm of the emotional, not the intellectual or the reasoning. Not to belittle reason, the more knowledge we gain, the wider the paths and opportunities for problem-solving, but then there is the self. Is my identity tied up, anchored to having achieved knowledge? He asks himself. If I have an educational title to my name, do I anchor my sense of pride to that label, wearing it like a badge of honor, of “self”? Am I my title of accomplishments? Indeed, one should be proud of earning degrees and awards that bring societal recognition to their achievements. Still, I’m back to that emptiness and the realization that the emotional experience of being seems determined to be who we are.

Then there is the next day; today I’m feeling, in a quiet moment, the old, internalized pangs of feeling ostracized, unacceptable, or unloved; the ‘emotional’ experience that reeks of an abusive childhood, a painful, disturbing reality of having lived intense trauma in the moment; far too many moments. Complex PTSD is a living, yet buried monument to a troubled childhood. Those emotional reactions to physical and emotional abuse from a disturbed mother fill my senses.

The living internalized experience of prolonged, unrelenting traumatic abuse and emotional neglect fills my moments. It consumes me, not allowing me to focus on much else, “coping.” It leaves me staggered, perpetually seeking an escape from life’s ongoing moments. I’m driven to escape into the world of “distractions,” drugs, alcoholism, and impulsive behaviors that ruin my life, but I can’t help it. The Moment is just too disorienting and painful to endure without intoxicating distractions. Free will is often just a blank, lost, or magical thought that far too many seem to insist is the only thing that energizes human behavior.

If “self-love” is my recipe for change and healing from the internalized, overpowering, and unconscious relics of trauma: how do I ‘engage’ with the same level of emotional strength that trauma and unmet infantile needs invaded my being with intense dramatic ‘shock?’ 

I was bathed in icky, toxic, living emotional states of basic rejection and deeply shamed by a ‘false’ childhood interpretation that “it is me”, I am unlovable! Something is wrong with me; otherwise, I’d be loved and comforted. “That” is toxic shame. That is what I experience in my usual quiet moments, a toxic experience of being an irredeemably flawed being. The experience of being ridiculed, bullied, and laughed at is waiting for me around the next turn in my life; even my next moment, as my mind sees it, it conjures and feels the terror of reliving the past.

The concept of ‘self-love’ strikes me as simply something I don’t fully understand.

Suppose the intense emotional impact of an unbearable traumatic event consumes my being with a living regurgitation of those old, terrifying reactions. Doesn’t it make sense that an equally powerful, emotional ‘experience’ would be needed to counteract such internalized past experiences? Sitting in that ‘empty’ moment, which started this paper, was a moment free of the Toxic state of Shame.

On one hand, the toxic, painful, debilitating childhood emotional experiences need to be expelled from the system. Working to become aware of the buried and repressed pain leads to ridding those emotions from the system. Feel it and allow yourself to weep deeply, in tune with the pain that lives within you. That isn’t easy because of the numbed-out life we’ve led. Trying to ‘hide’ desperately from what we need to see, feel, and deeply weep will not help us heal. I can’t imagine how else to work through that block to living openly, as fully as we can learn to be. It is a lifelong battle and journey to overcome the prolonged, severe trauma. For God’s sake, be thoughtful when you administer ‘punishment’ upon your children! Ask yourself, is this right or necessary for me to whip my kids? Listen to what your gut is telling you; I love my child; I don’t want to do this. Then please stop it!

Fulfilling sick and unexamined cultural expectations of “appropriate punishment” can damage a child’s psyche, leaving them perpetually unable to trust others. This drives us to seek the experience of being accepted, safe, and welcomed by a friend or an understanding and accepting therapist. This is all in the hopes of finding the actual ‘existential’ reality that “I am OK,” “It was not my fault what happened to me,” a tragic victim of trauma (CPTSD). It is a struggle for some of us to see and feel that we are lovable, though we are. Just because I think and/or fear I am not, doesn’t mean I am not. It means I’m afraid I am not, and I feel I am not.

Perhaps the powerful ‘emotional’ experiences I’m looking for, or that I conceive as necessary for an impactful change within one’s heart and soul, need to be in a social group setting. To feel and see a group of people ‘welcoming you,’ accepting you into the group; a person or people who authentically miss you if you don’t show up to the group meeting. A place where you can learn to be expressive and find that you are not radically shamed and abused for ‘being’ open and authentically expressive.

That expression of self may be consumed, in an uncontrollable state of hypervigilance, as your moment-to-moment social experience is now; however, with time, patience, and persistence, that can change.

Acutely self-aware of your new behavior, daring for once to begin to express, openly, honestly, and authentically. This sounds like the beginning of learning to become one’s authentic self. That is, being expressive without the toxic, abusive trauma that drove your inner little child scurrying for safety under the proverbial bed. Perhaps the ‘individual’ experience of an intimate friend or therapist, before moving out into the world of a therapy group, when the time is right.

Others who share the same issues that have held you back seek a similar path from a life that was filled with toxic shame, self-blame, intense psychic pain, feeling indescribably ‘different’ from others – alienated. In other words, we are not alone if we reach out and risk connecting, taking baby steps at first.

I’ve known the depths of alienation. You are not alone. You have to ‘risk’ reaching out, risk being vulnerable, and find the courage and guidance toward seeking out a therapist. Before we seek, we must learn how and what it is we are seeking —change, freedom?

That is where knowledge comes into “the play.”  Act 1 is stepping out and risking self-change…

Photo Credit: Unsplash

Guest Post Disclaimer: This guest post is for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing shared here, across CPTSDfoundation.org, any CPTSD Foundation website, our associated communities, or our Social Media accounts, is intended to substitute for or supersede the professional advice and direction of your medical or mental health providers. The thoughts and opinions expressed are those of the guest author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CPTSD Foundation. For further details, please review the following: Terms of Service, Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer

Jesse Donahue

*Copyright notice. All writings copyrighted and registered with the Library of Congress.

Therapy has helped improve my self-understanding as well as writing skills through journaling and essays. Although this writing journey began in later years, it has led to 70+ essays oriented around issues with CPTSD – a trauma disorder.

My writings, which include therapy notes, poems, novels (unpublished), and essays, are all a part of my ongoing personal therapy. Initially, the essays, intended for my therapist’s eyes only, began with exposing my thoughts, fears, and feelings, or the lack of, onto paper, a journal of therapy notes. Then, with fear overcome and via a personal decision, I shared them with the readers. *My thanks to Paul Michael Marinello, the editor of the CPTSD Foundation. My intent is to encourage readers to recognize traits in themselves and find (if desired) a therapist when they are willing and ready for that step. For some of us, it can be a long and challenging process, over extensive periods, to awaken to the unconscious issues that cause us to act out in life. Our behavior may seem like dancing to a buried, invisible cause we cannot directly see or confront. It is my sincere hope that my insights will assist the reader in the process toward reaching a deeper self-understanding.

Bringing the unconscious out into the light of self-awareness, understanding, and acceptance fosters self-love and the process of change.

 Jesse B. Donahue

*Type a keyword into the foundations search engine. (Jesse, Heart, Personal, Twelve, Bugaboo, etc.) Or, Type Jesse Donahue at The CPTSD Foundation on a Google search.

Published with the CPTSD foundation. Top 10 essays in order of number of views:

1.  ** Personal Honor, Integrity, Dignity, Honesty
2.  ** The Heart of the Matter
3.  * The Smoldering Embers of C-PTSD
4.  * The Hidden Bugaboo (Parts 1-4 of 4)
5.  Twelve Days Without Coffee
6.  Learned Helplessness
7.  Cast Out of Eden by Toxic Shame
8.  *Codependency – Overriding the Monster of Self-Hate
9.  The Emptiness of Yesterday
10.  Surfing the Light Through the Darkness

Life doesn’t need to crash completely for you to feel “down on your luck.” A failed promotion, a work project that didn’t go as planned, or a missed opportunity can set you back months.

Maybe the boss is riding you each day for quicker results? Sometimes you just feel undervalued, and you want to throw in the towel.

When things at work feel tense, it’s hard to keep going, and you feel stuck. Sometimes your personal life blows up at the same time. Your husband might have a fall at work and earn himself an expensive trip to the ER.

Your kid breaks an arm at the wrong time of the month, and the insurance deductibles ramp up your spending. Anything can happen to turn a rainy day into a tropical storm.

The saying, “When life gives you lemons — make lemonade,” can leave a nasty aftertaste in your mouth. It’s easier said than done.

Many people live paycheck to paycheck, and it’s not easy to change jobs or routines when money is the driver behind our actions. There is no financial flexibility.

If something doesn’t feel right–then it probably isn’t. That nagging feeling inside tells us we need a change.

Are you paying attention to what your mind is telling you?

Think about your life, and what’s going on.

Are you happy at work? If the answer is no, consider your skills.

What are your strengths? Are you good with numbers, computers, people, or animals? Where do you see yourself in five years?

Think about your ideal job.

What would you like to do for a living?

If your mind is telling you something different from where you work, then maybe you need to start looking for new opportunities.

Pause–Take a mental health day and relax. Where does your mind go when you allow yourself to daydream?

Breathe — deep breathing and yoga are fantastic for regulating your nervous system and unwinding.

Ponder–Think about what you want from your career. Where is your mind taking you?

Choose–Look for job openings and new opportunities. Research a business loan if you are considering starting up your own company.

Do–If you believe it, then you will achieve it. Go for it.

I’m an MFA student, and I will graduate this spring. I should have graduated last summer, but I was forced to delay due to life/work commitments. It turns out that I’m not superwoman, and working full-time while supporting my family is not conducive to studying as much as I want. There simply aren’t enough hours in the day if I want to sleep at some point. Other people in my MFA program can devote more time to their thesis research because they don’t work as much as I do. Some weeks, I’ve struggled to read everything on the reading lists and turn in weekly assignments. I’ve gotten good grades, but I wanted to do more.

Do you ever feel like you want more?

The turning point for me came a few months ago when someone on the program realized that I was under pressure, and asked me the questions that I posed at the beginning of this article.

How are you doing? How is life treating you at the moment? Where do you see yourself in five years?

Imagining yourself in your dream job can do miracles for your mental health. If you can believe that you can achieve your dreams, then you are halfway there. The first step is to believe that you can.

Just one small step.

Once you see a clear step towards your goal, the day-to-day doesn’t seem as demanding.

You can handle everything better because you know that “right now” is not forever.

Your mind is your greatest friend when you think positively about your life. If you start thinking negatively, your mind turns against you, and everything starts to feel very hard and challenging.

Keep your chin up. and think of your goals and dreams.

Where do you want to be in five years? What’s holding you back?

My name is Lizzy. I’m a trauma survivor, a wife, a mom, a teacher, and an author.

If you like reading my posts, then please follow me.

For more about me: www.elizabethwoodsauthor.com

Support your fellow writer:

https://ko-fi.com/elizabe69245484

Here are a few links to my articles:

Looking for a Change?

https://medium.com/activated-thinker/looking-for-a-change-f391e85abbd7

A Search for Identity

https://medium.com/beyond-lines/a-search-for-identity-893df7c970c2

Are You Searching for Peace?

https://medium.com/illumination/are-you-searching-for-peace-cd54d76231c8

Are You Dealing With Burnout?

https://medium.com/illumination/are-you-dealing-with-burnout-374f774141b4

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Elizabeth Woods

For more about me: https://www.elizabethwoodsauthor.com

Elizabeth Woods grew up in a world of brutal sex offenders, murderers, and inconceivably neglectful adults. Elizabeth is passionate about spreading awareness of what it is like to survive after trauma. She is the author of several books and has written her memoir, telling her childhood story: The Sex-Offender’s Daughter: A True Story of Survival Against All Odds, available on Amazon Kindle and paperback.

Elizabeth is also the author of “Living with Complex PTSD” and the Cedar’s Port Fiction series: “Saving Joshua”, “Protecting Sarah”, “Guarding Noah” and “Bringing Back Faith,” and “Restoring Hope,” available here: https://www.amazon.com/stores/author/B0BCBZQN7L/allbooks?ingress=0&visitId=7e223b5b-1a29-45f0-ad9d-e9c8fdb59e9c&ref_=ap_rdr&ccs_id=931f96e2-c220-4765-acc8-cc99bb95e8bd

www.elizabethwoodsauthor.com/

Have you ever really considered how you emotionally self-regulate? How do you self-soothe or get back to the present moment? Are you able to bring yourself back into your emotional window of tolerance, where you can think and feel at the same time?

Everyone attempts to feel better—or at least differently at times—to self-regulate. Do your skills work for you? Do you feel better, safer, or calmer when you use them? Do you wonder how these skills are learned or created and how we can improve upon them?

What is emotional regulation?

Emotional regulation is managing emotions, including re-regulating after an emotionally dysregulating experience, like anxiety, fear, or sadness. Regulating considers thoughts, behaviors, and impulses in response to different situations and experiences. People attempt to regulate in adaptive and maladaptive ways. They can attempt to regulate by themselves—using strategies like alcohol or substances, self-harm, exercise, or food—or, more adaptively, through meditation, self-talk, or with others – talking to a trusted friend or asking someone for help.

Healthy emotional self-regulation involves noticing yourself, being aware of your feelings and needs, and finding ways to cope – ways that keep you safe and don’t negatively affect your overall well-being and relationships. Healthy emotional regulation includes the ability to think and feel simultaneously. (In a state of emotional dysregulation, there is likely too much feeling or even too much thinking going on – just not a balance!)

Have you ever thought about how you learned to regulate emotions? How did your coping skills and regulating abilities start in your childhood experiences and relationships? Did you have role models for healthy emotional self-regulation? Did you learn to use healthy mechanisms? Less-healthy ones? Or harmful ones?

Are you able to see your current attempts to emotionally self-regulate? Do you like the tools you use?

Everyone attempts to regulate all day, every day, emotionally. We do it in little and big ways all the time. We must emotionally regulate when we are hungry, tired, excited, etc. Emotional regulation is coping—how do we regulate or cope with life in a way that allows us to keep living?

How emotional regulation is learned

Emotional regulation skills are learned from the earliest days as a baby and throughout childhood. What if a baby cries and somebody picks them up and talks sweetly to them – or if they are just left to cry? What if a child falls and scrapes their knee, and somebody attends to and comforts them? Or if they are left or told to suck it up?

When someone consistently attends to your needs and feelings, and teaches you that you are not alone, you learn from a young age that you can ride the wave of emotions or tolerate these harder feelings of discomfort because you are not alone and will be ok.

You may have someone validating your feelings:

“Oh my goodness, I see you’re crying. Are you ok? I am here with you!”

You may see healthy emotional regulation modeled for you. For example, if you see your parents upset and they share that although they are upset, they are also ok. They share what they are feeling (age appropriately), educate you on what’s happening inside for them, what they are doing about it, and how it’s going to resolve.

“Mommy is feeling frustrated right now. I wish things were moving faster, but they are not. I’m going to take deep breaths and notice we are all okay right now, and that will help to calm me (my nervous system) down. I’ll feel okay in a few minutes.”

You may also experience repair. If Dad yelled at you because he was feeling angry, he would apologize.

“I was feeling upset, and I yelled at you. It wasn’t your fault, and I’m sorry.”

These are ideas of how healthy emotional regulation is taught throughout childhood. They are also an example of what secure attachment looks like—learning that your parents and caregivers are there for you in a safe and stable way. Children initially learn how emotional regulation works from others co-regulating and experimenting with self-regulation.

Co-regulation is a process of managing emotions and behaviors with another person. It can involve providing emotional support, strengthening interpersonal connections, and helping people navigate their feelings in a relationship.

If someone grows up with secure attachment, they learn that something can feel hard and scary, AND they will be okay. This makes for a large window of tolerance, where you can withstand discomfort because you know you can navigate through the hard times. You have already done it before!  You have support!

A securely attached child learns: It is scary AND I know I’m going to be okay.

What happens if you aren’t raised with secure attachment?

Complex trauma survivors aren’t raised with secure attachment.

They aren’t comforted during difficult times. Exactly the opposite; they were hurt or abused by those who were supposed to keep them safe.

Their feelings aren’t validated. Instead, they may have been told their feelings didn’t matter or that their feelings caused the abuse.

They are gaslit – told narratives that what they’re thinking or feeling is crazy.

They don’t see healthy role modeling.

In situations where a parent is abusive and dismisses a child’s feelings, it can be incredibly confusing for the child. Despite a child’s innate understanding that abuse is wrong, children whose experiences are denied — or for which they are blamed — struggle to reconcile their feelings with what their parent is saying or doing. As a result, they often become unable to effectively process their emotions, and their self-trust erodes due to persistent invalidation of their reality.

A survivor of complex trauma is not taught how to healthily manage feelings, navigate difficult times, or trust themselves or others.

Attachment for these children can look like disorganized attachment, insecure or avoidant attachment. These children learn: It is scary and I’m NOT going to be okay.

Learning emotional regulation doesn’t stop with childhood

The need for emotional regulation continues throughout life – including adolescence and beyond into adulthood.

Without the attributes of secure attachment, an adolescent will learn to self-regulate however they can. They will find coping mechanisms to help them feel less scared, less confused, and less overwhelmed. Often, these coping mechanisms are maladaptive — alcohol or drugs, self-harm, food restriction or binge eating, dissociation, or acting out the behaviors that may ultimately in adulthood be diagnosed as Borderline Personality Disorder – when really what is happening is attempts at survival and regulation.

Like Dan Siegel discusses in Brainstorm: The Power and Purpose of the Teenage Brain, teenagers must grapple with a still-developing brain and heightened impulsivity while developing strategies to manage it. A supportive family environment, with open communication and connection, can play a continued role in fostering healthy emotional regulation skills. A teen might learn to regulate their emotions through getting together with a friend, moving their body, listening to music, or creating art.

The self-regulation skills we learned come with us into adulthood

A trauma survivor without secure attachment may have a narrow window of tolerance – an inability to healthily and emotionally regulate, and understandably so. Their childhood taught them that they were not safe, that people couldn’t be trusted, and that they couldn’t trust themselves.

This interferes with their ability to slow down, notice themselves and their needs and believe those needs to be important, so they struggle with how to navigate feelings and relationships healthily. This often leads them to continue to try to survive, which includes attempts to self-regulate with maladaptive coping mechanisms — so that they can feel differently or less in order to feel less badly.

It’s about just trying to survive and feel less bad

The regulation or coping methods you utilize are based on what tools you have inside your toolbox. The tools you learned might be connection and movement, to turn to others for help or support, or they might be drugs and alcohol to tune out. No matter what attachment style you were raised with, what coping strategies you are currently using, or where you are in your healing journey, it’s always possible to add more tools in your self-regulation toolbox! Especially ones that might help you care for yourself now!

Can you notice your coping strategies and get curious about them?

As a trauma survivor, healthy emotional regulation can be learned, and your window of emotional tolerance can be expanded. The first step is recognizing how you self-regulate now and if those skills are working well for you:

• How do you manage difficult emotions?
• What are your go-to methods for getting through tough times?
• How do you respond to positive experiences, such as receiving compliments?
• What actions do you take when you’re not feeling anything at all?

It’s normal for people to self-regulate emotions in different ways. Many healthy options exist and are safe when you are living a safe and stable life now, such as reaching out to a friend, taking a walk, or attending a class. Many less-healthy options exist, too.

Do you feel better after using your tools to emotionally regulate, or are they making you feel worse now or in the long term?

If you can compassionately notice what’s happening in your life and what you are using or attempting to do to feel better, different, or less badly, then you can expand the toolbox of emotional regulation, and your window of tolerance —- and get support if it’s needed.

If you are ready to explore the possibility of support and change through therapy, please reach out.

P.S. Another reason why kids are having trouble regulating their emotions? Jonathan Haidt talks about how the “great rewiring of childhood” has interfered with children’s social and neurological development in his new book, The Anxious Generation: How the Great Rewiring of Childhood Is Causing an Epidemic of Mental Illness. We’ll talk more about that soon!

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Originally posted on Robyn Brickel & Associates

Robyn Brickel

Robyn is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with 20+ years of experience providing psychotherapy, as well as the founder and clinical director of a private practice, Brickel and Associates, LLC in Old Town, Alexandria, Virginia. She and her team bring a strengths-based, trauma-informed, systems approach to the treatment of individuals (adolescents and adults), couples and families. She specializes in trauma (including attachment trauma) and the use of dissociative mechanisms; such as: self-harm, eating disorders and addictions. She also approaches treatment of perinatal mental health from a trauma-informed lens.

Robyn also guides clients and clinicians who wish to better understand the impact of trauma on mental health and relationships. She has a wide range of post graduate trauma and addictions education and is trained in numerous relational models of practice, including Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT), the Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT), and Imago therapy. She is a trained Sensorimotor Psychotherapist and is a Certified EMDRIA therapist and Approved Consultant. Utilizing all of these tools, along with mindfulness and ego state work to provide the best care to her clients. She prides herself in always learning and expanding her knowledge on a daily basis about the intricacies of treating complex trauma and trauma’s impact on perinatal distress.

She frequently shares insights, resources and links to mental health news on Facebook and Twitter as well as in her blog at BrickelandAssociates.com

To contact Robyn directly:

Robyn@RobynBrickel.com

www.BrickelandAssociates.com

brickelandassociates.com/

Defining Self-Regulation: Unveiling its Multifaceted Nature

At its core, self-regulation is not merely about achieving a state of calm. It is a dynamic, sometimes complex, and multifaceted process that involves the unconscious and the conscious management of one’s thoughts, sensations, emotions, and behaviors. True self-regulation goes beyond the surface-level appearance of serenity; it encompasses the art of navigating the ebbs and flows of internal experiences with awareness, intention, and adaptability supported by flexibility within the autonomic nervous system.

The Misconception of ‘Calm’ in Self-Regulation:

Often, self-regulation is misinterpreted as maintaining a constant state of calmness, as if life’s turbulence should leave us untouched. While a serene exterior may be a part of the self-regulation spectrum, it is not the sole indicator of a well-regulated internal world. True self-regulation acknowledges and engages with the full mind body connection and full spectrum of emotions, embracing them as valuable messengers rather than obstacles to be overcome.

True Story:

‘Body work and the nervous system became the screen through which I could understand how to transition from unconscious to conscious. I was conscious of being calm, but for years, it was built upon a battle with a sensitive stress response resulting in avoidance, people-pleasing, and increasing anxiety. How I came to realize I was living life in unconscious steered by survival mode, masked by a calm exterior was when I was training as a Craniosacral Therapist.’

‘I will never forget lying on the practice table with no understanding as to why I couldn’t speak as tears rolled uncontrollably from the corner of my eyes. There were 4 pairs of hands on me, and I felt completely overwhelmed by all I felt and sensed, and I couldn’t open my mouth. I felt I lost control of my voice and my body, when in truth now I understand it as my body beginning to reconnect with me.’ 

‘Although in some ways it was re-traumatizing and handled very poorly. The realization that I had been living under the guise of survival mode up to that point was a profound awakening. I learned to speak, integrate, and release through the power of feeling my body again.’

“Our body speaks through sensations, to encourage us to listen inwards, to help us heal and integrate what lies trapped beneath the surface”

The Depth of Self-Regulation: A body of wise inner knowing

  Emotional Fluency:

• True self-regulation involves developing nervous system flexibility and somato-emotional fluency—an intimate understanding of one’s emotions and how they speak through sensations within our body-. It’s about recognizing the nuances of joy, sadness, anger, fear, and everything in between. Rather than suppressing or dismissing the sensations associated with emotions and experiences, we move in the direction of self-expression. Co-regulating with a trained practitioner who can help connect you with a nurturing inner dialogue between you and your body using the Nervous System Framework, Somato Emotional Release, and Breath Facilitation can dramatically change our relationship with feeling our feelings and healing. 

It teaches us we are ‘safe to feel whatever is arising’ and invites us to navigate and integrate what is unconscious into our conscious awareness finally integrating the experience and setting your energy and spirit free. Other tools may not fundamentally connect us to a wiser inner knowing, they may not change and rewire how we perceive or experience the world and our inner landscape at a deeper level. They may not provide a new way of relating, resulting in cycles of upheaval draining our energy, vitality, and immunity.

  Adaptability and Flexibility:

•  Life is ever-changing, and genuine self-regulation requires adaptability. The Autonomic Nervous System operates predominately in unconscious ways. It receives information from the world around us and within us. It is the system that keeps us safe and focuses on survival. It provides split-second perceptions of what’s happening and is heavily involved in how we respond or react.  Without effective integration of what lies beneath the surface of our responses, we lose the ability to flow with the ever-changing currents of life and states. For example ‘I am calm but still have all these processes going on in the background.’ The ability to adjust our responses based on the context and our internal landscape is a hallmark of deep self-regulation, stored suppressed feelings, thoughts and experiences can integrate and free the polarities of hyper and hypo arousal states and can tone down the sensitivity of our survival system including our amygdala out brains threat center. 

A Ventral Vagal State and a true state of embodied calmness becomes available. This aligns with an embodied felt sense of safety, which is a by-product of self-trust and the ability to live life from this para-sympathetic dominance, courtesy of your vagus nerve.  

  Navigating Discomfort:

• The journey of self-regulation entails the willingness to attend to discomfort while feeling grounded and connected to what is arising in the body. Maintaining a tender embrace, allowing challenging emotions to feel held, acknowledging them, and learning from their wisdom. In these moments, true self-regulation manifests as a compassionate companion, guiding us through the ripples and dissipating the internal storms with intelligent resilience. A Ventral Vagal State, is the part of our nervous system that is activated when we use the word ‘regulated’.

  Cultivating Presence:

• Presence, including the feeling we have choices available to us at any moment, is the heartbeat of self-regulation. It involves being fully engaged in the present moment, irrespective of its emotional tone. Whether in joy, sorrow, uncertainty, fear, or the onset of panic, a regulated self remains anchored in the now and tethered to the Ventral State, creating space for conscious responses rather than overpowering reactive patterns. When ventral is available, so too is safety, connection, openness, and emotional flexibility.  

The Healing Essence of True Self-Regulation:

In embracing the depth of self-regulation, we discover a wellspring of healing potential. It’s a journey into the richness of our internal landscape, where every emotion, every experience, becomes a thread in the tapestry of our growth. True self-regulation is an act of self-love—an acknowledgment of our humanity and a commitment to our evolving well-being. Your nervous system cannot tell time, it needs regular updates – it reflects what is happening in a moment while also reflecting our entire life experience- from conception, to birth, to now.

Conclusion:

Let us redefine self-regulation not as the pursuit of perpetual calmness but as a profound dance with the symphony of our inner world. In its true essence, self-regulation invites us to return to balance and become artisans of our physical, emotional, energetic and spiritual experiences, embracing the full spectrum of our humanness with grace, compassion, and deep healing wisdom connected to ‘Tones of Inner Ease and Empathy.’

Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Roseanne Reilly

Roseanne Reilly DipNUR, APCST, ERYT500hr CEP specializing in Restoring Safety to the Nervous System

Roseanne comes from a Background of Nursing, She is an Advanced CranioSacral Therapist, Experienced Yoga Teacher and Health Educator and contributor to the Nervous System Economy

Roseanne provides research based tools and resources for nervous systems restoration following chronic and trauma stress

She provides insights from her own healing journey towards recovery, through blogs, weekly resources, work shops, courses, 1 to 1 mentoring and small group sessions

Linkedin:https://www.linkedin.com/in/roseanne-reilly-3014a0200/

website address: https://handsoftimehealing.com/

www.handsoftimehealing.com