The Weight You Carry

You wake up each morning with a heaviness that makes even lifting your head from the pillow feel impossible. The weight isn’t physical—it’s the accumulation of emotional wounds, betrayals, and the exhausting effort of pretending to be okay when you’re anything but.

There’s a peculiar kind of loneliness in walking through the world carrying this invisible burden. People pass by with casual greetings—”How are you?”—a question that forces you into an impossible choice: lie and say “I’m fine” while wanting to die inside, or risk the vulnerability of honesty when so few truly understand the depth of your pain.

So you smile. You nod. You perform the dance of normalcy while inside, a voice whispers that continuing to exist shouldn’t be this unbearable.

The Fog of Invisibility

In this state, it becomes frighteningly easy to picture a world without you in it. Not because you’re actively planning to leave, but because you fundamentally believe you don’t matter—not really. Even when people insist you’re important to them, their words can’t penetrate the dense fog you’re lost in.

You don’t even remember when you started believing you don’t matter. It feels like a truth you’ve always known, buried deep in your bones. There seems to be no amount of love, affirmation, or validation that will make it register in your soul that you truly matter. The narcissist didn’t create this belief, but they identified it with unerring precision and exploited it until it grew to consume your entire reality. Palpably feeling loved seems like something “other people” get to have, but it seems impossible for you.

For many survivors, the only tether keeping them anchored to this world is their children. The thought of abandoning their kids is unthinkable—the one line they won’t cross. But this creates its own cruel trap: they don’t want to be in this harsh world, yet they can’t leave it. They’re caught in limbo, neither fully living nor able to escape.

This brings crushing waves of guilt. They grieve the time they’ve lost with their children while battling this internal darkness. They mourn not being the parents they desperately want to be—fully present, engaged, and joyful. Instead, they go through the motions, knowing their kids are growing up, that these fleeting years are passing, and that irreplaceable stretches of precious parent/child moments have been robbed by this struggle.

They’ll never get that time back. And just knowing this doesn’t magically end the struggle. So they face the heartbreaking knowledge that more days will be lost, more precious moments missed, before their children are grown and gone.

The Silent Struggle: Loss of Will to Live

Victims may feel deep apathy, hopelessness, or a loss of motivation to engage in life or pursue future goals. In narcissistic abuse and complex trauma, this often comes from prolonged emotional, psychological, or relational distress caused by the abusive dynamic.

This isn’t about wanting to die—it’s about no longer feeling capable of living. It’s waking up each morning, believing you don’t have what it takes to survive in this world. And you can’t imagine having to endure more days, months, decades feeling this way. Thinking about the future feels overwhelming and triggering because you’re bracing yourself for the next wrecking ball.

For survivors of narcissistic abuse, this silent struggle often goes unrecognized. Friends and family might see someone functioning—going to work, maintaining appearances—while inside, that person feels panic and dread about their own existence.

The Inner Struggle: Beyond the Surface

When Words Fail

For many people actively struggling with the loss of will to live, simply forming words to describe their experience becomes impossible. They may receive a text from a concerned friend asking, “How are you?” and find themselves staring at the screen, utterly paralyzed.

This isn’t merely an emotional block—it’s rooted in brain biology. When trauma overwhelms us, our nervous system can shift into a protective shutdown mode (what scientists call a “dorsal vagal state”). In this survival state, the thinking and language parts of our brain temporarily go offline. The brain literally deprioritizes our ability to form words and sentences while it focuses on basic survival functions. This is why trauma researchers sometimes refer to this as “speechless terror”—the experience is so overwhelming that the brain’s language centers cannot process or express it.

To someone who hasn’t experienced this state, it seems inconceivable that a person couldn’t muster a simple response. But in these moments, language itself becomes inaccessible. How do you translate the vast, formless void inside you into words? How do you explain that you’re simultaneously numb and in excruciating pain? That you feel nothing and everything at once? And you’re literally incapable of expressing it.

So the message sits unanswered. Adding another layer of shame, another reason to withdraw further, believing you don’t have what it takes to live in this world.

“But My Abuse Wasn’t That Bad”

A common obstacle to seeking help is the belief that their experiences “weren’t bad enough” to justify their deep suffering. Survivors often downplay their trauma, thinking:

“Other people have it so much worse.” “I wasn’t physically harmed, so why am I falling apart?” “They didn’t mean to hurt me, so this isn’t really abuse.” “I’m just too sensitive.”

Many struggle to accept the word “abuse,” finding it hard to connect it to their experience. This minimization isn’t accidental—it’s often shaped by the abuser, who downplays the harm they cause and makes the victim feel like their reactions are overblown.

This cycle of self-doubt deepens the pain, layering shame about the struggle itself on top of the original trauma.

The Protective Part That Wants to Give Up

In the internal family systems (IFS) therapy model, the part of us that wants to stop living isn’t trying to harm us—it’s trying to protect us in the only way it knows how. It’s not a destructive impulse but a misguided protector that sees ending the struggle as the only solution.

This part formed when other coping strategies failed—when fighting didn’t work, fleeing wasn’t an option, and freezing no longer brought relief. It whispers, “I can make the pain stop,” believing it’s offering mercy, not destruction.

Recognizing this as a protective response, however paradoxical, can help survivors replace fear and shame with self-compassion.

Living Minute by Minute

For someone in acute crisis, even “taking things one day at a time” can feel overwhelming. Their world narrows to surviving moment by moment, unable to imagine a future beyond the next few minutes.

They genuinely don’t know how they’ll exist from one hour to the next. Basic tasks become monumental achievements—eating a meal, taking a shower, responding to a text. On particularly difficult days, the only goal might be to eat three small meals or simply not resort to hospitalization.

These individuals often develop elaborate ways to avoid potential triggers. They may:

• Avoid all public places or social media for fear that one negative interaction with a stranger could push them over the edge
• Stop watching any shows with suspenseful or emotional content
• Experience panic at notification sounds, dreading the task of responding
• Rehearse casual conversations to prepare for inevitable social interactions

It cannot be overstated how fragile someone can be during these periods—existing in a constant state of pain and torment, where the slightest additional stress threatens to break them completely.

The Invisible Wounds

Beneath the surface of daily life, survivors of narcissistic abuse carry unseen wounds that impact every part of their being—their thoughts, emotions, physical health, and spiritual well-being. The harm runs deep because it attacks their very sense of identity and self-worth, leaving them questioning their right to exist.

Causes:

Existential Shame and Humiliation: Beyond ordinary shame about actions or behaviors, narcissistic abuse often creates a profound existential shame—the feeling that your very existence is somehow wrong or flawed.

This isn’t simply feeling bad about something you did; it’s feeling that who you fundamentally are is defective. The narcissist’s constant criticism, devaluation, and manipulation create a state of existential humiliation where you feel inherently unworthy of taking up space in the world. This deep shame becomes a core identity, making the thought of continuing to exist feel pointless or even wrong. You’re embarrassed at your own existence.

Emotional Exhaustion: Victims of narcissistic abuse often endure relentless invalidation, neglect, and emotional turmoil, leading to extreme fatigue and loss of motivation.

The constant vigilance required to navigate a relationship with a narcissist—walking on eggshells, managing their unpredictable moods, defending against accusations, and trying to make sense of reality when someone keeps distorting it—taxes every emotional resource you have. Eventually, your emotional reserves are completely depleted. You have nothing left to give—not even to yourself.

Hopelessness and Worthlessness: Narcissistic abuse can erode a person’s self-esteem and sense of worth, fostering feelings of being trapped and powerless.

After years of being told you’re not enough, that your feelings don’t matter, or that you’re the problem, you begin to see yourself through the narcissist’s distorted lens. Your achievements become meaningless, your dreams seem ridiculous, and your future appears pointless. Why bother living when you’ve been convinced your life has no value?

Cognitive Dissonance: The conflict between reality and the narcissist’s false narratives can contribute to confusion, self-doubt, and despair, making life seem meaningless.

Living in two worlds—the real one and the narcissist’s version—fractures your sense of truth. You doubt your own perceptions and memories. This constant state of uncertainty exhausts the mind and spirit, making simple decisions feel overwhelming. Life becomes a maze with no exit, where nothing makes sense anymore.

Identity Erosion: When someone systematically strips away your sense of self, you may eventually forget who you are outside of the abuse.

The narcissist slowly replaces your authentic self with the version of who you must become to survive. Your preferences, boundaries, dreams, and even your personality become shaped by their demands and criticisms. When you finally emerge from the relationship, you may feel like a stranger to yourself, unsure of what you like, what you want, or who you are meant to be.

The Layered Nature of Trauma: Many survivors of narcissistic abuse carry previous wounds from childhood that made them vulnerable to narcissistic manipulation in the first place.

Childhood emotional neglect, attachment trauma, or growing up with narcissistic parents can create the perfect foundation for later narcissistic abuse. The narcissist didn’t create your wounds—they simply found them with unerring precision and exploited them. This layering of trauma upon trauma creates a compounding effect, making recovery particularly challenging. You’re not just healing from the current relationship but from a lifetime of having your sense of self and worth undermined.

Grieving What Was Lost

Survivors of narcissistic abuse often carry an unspoken, invisible grief—a mourning that few recognize or validate. Unlike grief caused by death, this loss is ambiguous, complex, and deeply personal. What has been stolen isn’t just a relationship or a period of time—it’s a sense of safety, trust, identity, and sometimes, even the belief that joy is possible.

You may grieve the person you were before the abuse—someone who once moved through life with more ease, trust, or optimism. Or perhaps you grieve the time you lost—years spent trying to make things work, trying to be enough, trying to survive in an environment that was slowly eroding you. Some mourn the family they never truly had, realizing that the people who were supposed to love them were incapable of doing so in a way that was safe or nurturing.

Grief may also appear in unexpected ways: feeling waves of sorrow over memories that now seem tainted, feeling anger over what you tolerated before you understood it was abuse, or feeling deep sadness when you witness healthy relationships and realize what you never had.

Many survivors struggle with self-blame in their grief. They wonder, Why didn’t I see it sooner? Why didn’t I leave earlier? Why did I let it affect me this much? But this is not a failure on your part—it is a testament to how deeply you loved, how hard you tried, and how much you deserved better.

Grieving is painful, but it is also proof that you are healing. It means you are recognizing what you lost, what was taken from you, and what you still deserve. True healing doesn’t mean erasing the grief—it means making space for it while also making space for what comes next: reclaiming your life, your identity, and your future.

Living in the Shadow

When the will to live has been eroded by narcissistic abuse, survivors don’t just think differently—they experience the world differently. What was once colorful becomes gray; what once brought joy becomes empty; what once felt meaningful becomes pointless. This isn’t simply a shift in perspective but a fundamental alteration in how reality is experienced moment by moment. The outer persona may continue to function while the inner self has gone dormant, creating a shadow existence where one merely goes through the motions of living.

Manifestation:

Emotional Numbness: Victims may experience detachment from their emotions, as the constant invalidation and gaslighting make it difficult to trust their own perceptions.

Survivors often describe feeling like they’re “dead inside” or “just going through the motions.” This numbness isn’t a choice—it’s the mind’s way of protecting itself from overwhelming pain. When feelings have been weaponized against you, shutting them down becomes a survival strategy.

Reduced Capacity for Joy: Simple pleasures and future aspirations become difficult to connect with, as the narcissistic relationship strips away a sense of purpose and hope.

Activities you once loved bring no satisfaction. Future dreams seem pointless or unattainable. The present moment feels empty. This isn’t depression as most people understand it—it’s a profound disconnection from the very things that make life worth living.

Self-Isolation: Withdrawal from social connections and neglect of personal care are common as the person feels disconnected from the world.

The energy required for social interaction becomes too much to bear. Basic self-care feels pointless. Why shower, eat well, or rest when nothing matters anyway? This withdrawal often reinforces the feeling of disconnection, creating a cycle that’s difficult to break.

Persistent Feeling of Defeat: A pervasive sense that no matter what you do, things will never improve or change.

This isn’t pessimism—it’s the result of having your efforts consistently undermined, your successes diminished, and your hopes repeatedly crushed. When every attempt to improve your situation has been sabotaged, giving up seems like the only logical response.

Small Triggers, Massive Waves

For survivors with Complex PTSD from narcissistic abuse, what appears to be a minor incident can trigger a catastrophic collapse of your will to live. The depth of this reaction often seems incomprehensible to those who haven’t experienced complex trauma.

When Trust Is Shattered Again

Consider this true story: A trauma survivor hired a dog sitter through a reputable company while away on vacation. Midway through the trip, they discovered through security cameras that the sitter was neglecting their beloved pet—not staying at the house as promised, leaving the dog alone for 17 hours, failing to provide food, and sending false updates about the dog’s care.

From several states away, they scrambled to find emergency care for their pet while documenting the neglect with timestamped video evidence. The vacation was ruined, but worse was coming. Despite irrefutable evidence and promises from the company, the sitter remained on the platform after being suspended for only one day, even posting public lies denying any wrongdoing and openly calling the survivor a liar.

For someone without trauma, this would be infuriating. For a complex trauma survivor, it was catastrophic. The combination of betrayed trust, gaslighting, injustice, powerlessness, and institutional failure to protect the vulnerable hit every trigger point from their abuse history. Being publicly called a liar—and watching that lie be allowed to stand without consequence—recreated the exact dynamic of their previous trauma. And doing everything in their power to pursue justice, only to have no influence, was soul shattering. For weeks afterward, they found themselves thinking, “I don’t want to be alive anymore.” The depth of despair was so severe they had to ask family not to leave them unattended.

To an outsider, this reaction might seem disproportionate. But trauma doesn’t operate on logic. When your psyche has been previously shattered, even the smallest betrayals can reopen those wounds completely.

The Invisibility of Triggers

Triggers can be unexpectedly small—a flash of painful memory, an unanswered message, a minor mistake at work. To others, these moments seem trivial, but to a trauma survivor, they can spiral into despair in an instant, reigniting feelings of shame, abandonment, or fear. The body reacts as if the past is happening all over again, no matter how much time has passed. For someone with CPTSD, these moments can instantly trigger:

• Emotional Flashbacks: Suddenly feeling the same helplessness, shame, or terror you experienced during the abuse
• Overwhelming Fatigue: A wave of soul level exhaustion that makes continuing to stay alive seem impossible
• Dissociation: Mentally “checking out” because reality becomes too painful
• Return to Hopelessness: All progress seems erased in an instant
• Sleep Seeking: The desperate wish to “go to sleep and never wake up”—not actively wanting to die, but wanting desperately for the pain to stop

What makes these triggers so devastating is that they often appear inconsequential to others. A friend’s constructive feedback becomes a crushing blow. A minor setback feels like definitive proof of your worthlessness. A happy memory brings guilt and confusion rather than joy.

The thoughts that follow aren’t dramatic plans for self-harm but quiet surrenders: “Being alive is too hard.” “I can’t do this anymore.” “I just want this to be over.”

This is why recovery isn’t linear. A survivor might be doing well for weeks or months, only to encounter a trigger that temporarily erases all sense of progress and returns them to that place of not wanting to continue living. And they often suffer in complete silence, because how do you explain to someone that a seemingly minor disappointment has made you lose your will to live?

Read the rest of this article in the first book of Ellen’s series “There’s A Word for That”: https://a.co/d/01GdqiwJ

Copyright Notice: This excerpt is from my book. All content is © 2025 Worldwide Groove Corporation. Unauthorized reproduction, distribution, or use of this material without permission is prohibited. Thank you for respecting my work. 😊

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Internalized Worthlessness: When You Truly Believe You Don’t Matter

Khalil stood in front of his bathroom mirror, adjusting his tie for the third time. His therapist Dr. Rivera had suggested this simple daily affirmation: “I matter. My voice matters.” But today, the words felt foreign in his mouth, like stones too heavy to lift.

The promotion letter lay unopened on his dresser—the department chair position he’d been quietly encouraged to apply for. Instead, he’d recommended his colleague Tariq, insisting Tariq would be “a better fit.” Yet in his current role, Khalil regularly stayed hours after his shift ended, taking on the cases nobody wanted, covering colleagues’ weekends without complaint, and volunteering for every committee that needed members.

“You’re the hardest working doctor in this hospital,” his supervisor often said, not realizing that Khalil’s relentless work ethic wasn’t ambition but atonement—constant payment for the space he occupied in the world.

Downstairs, his achievement awards lined the hallway—the community leadership plaque, his medical school diploma, framed articles about the free clinic he’d helped establish. His mother Amara had insisted on displaying them, proud of the son who had “made something of himself.” What the awards didn’t show was how he’d driven himself to exhaustion earning them, taking on impossible workloads while declining recognition that might put him too visibly in the spotlight.

At the clinic, he was known for working through lunch, seeing extra patients, and personally making follow-up calls on his drive home. The staff marveled at his dedication while worrying about his health. Last month, he’d nearly collapsed from pneumonia after refusing to take sick days, convinced the clinic would fall apart without him—not because he was irreplaceable, but because he felt responsible for everyone else’s welfare while dismissing his own.

“You coming to the fundraiser tonight?” His colleague Nisha had texted earlier. “They’re recognizing your refugee healthcare initiative.”

Khalil had responded with a thumbs-up emoji, not mentioning how he’d personally covered three families’ medical bills last month when funding ran short, stretching his finances thin. He hadn’t told anyone, adding it to the invisible ledger of things he did to prove his worth—a ledger that somehow never balanced, no matter how much he gave.

Last week, he’d run into Leila at a conference. Now married with children, she’d mentioned casually, “Remember how I always said you worked too hard? Looks like nothing’s changed.” She didn’t know that after their breakup, he’d thrown himself even deeper into his career, taking overnight shifts and weekend rotations that no one else wanted, filling every moment so he wouldn’t have to face the silence of his apartment and the whispers of inadequacy that filled it.

He practiced his smile in the mirror—the one that projected confidence while hiding the constant calculation happening behind it: Am I doing enough? Have I earned my place today? What more should I be giving?

The irony wasn’t lost on him. As a doctor, he fiercely advocated for his patients to prioritize their wellbeing, to set boundaries, to recognize their inherent value beyond what they could produce or achieve. He could articulate with perfect clarity how every human deserved care and rest simply by existing. For everyone except himself.

There’s a particular kind of heartbreak that comes from trying your absolute hardest to make a difference—whether in the life of someone you love, a community you care about, or a cause you believe in—only to watch your efforts disappear like teardrops in an ocean. You extend your hands to try to hold back what feels like a tsunami of dysfunction, injustice, or pain, and find yourself nearly drowning in the process. And after years, perhaps decades of this pattern repeating, something shifts deep inside. A quiet, devastating conclusion forms: I don’t matter.

This is internalized worthlessness—what psychologists might clinically term “existential invalidation” that has been absorbed into your very sense of self. It goes beyond mere discouragement or feelings of ineffectiveness. It’s the bone-deep belief that your existence, your voice, your efforts fundamentally lack the weight or significance to affect the world around you. Yet this belief, however entrenched, is a distortion, not a truth.

How This Wound Forms

Internalized worthlessness rarely begins in adulthood. Its seeds are typically planted in childhood, often in homes where a child’s emotions, perspectives, or needs were consistently dismissed or minimized. In narcissistic family systems, children learn early that their reality holds less value than the distorted reality their caregivers insist upon. They’re told they’re “too sensitive,” “overreacting,” or simply wrong about what they’ve experienced.

But even those who grow up in relatively healthy homes eventually encounter a world that can be profoundly invalidating:

• The high-achieving student whose genuine passion is met with indifference
• The whistleblower whose truth-telling is punished rather than rewarded
• The compassionate friend whose efforts to help a struggling loved one are resisted or rejected
• The advocate who watches institutions protect the powerful while abandoning the vulnerable

Each instance reinforces the message: “I don’t count. I can’t change anything. I make no difference.”

In our modern digital landscape, this wound now comes with metrics. Social media platforms offer concrete numbers to measure our “impact”—likes, shares, follows—creating an endless treadmill where we can never quite outrun the feeling of insignificance. Previous generations may have wondered about their reach; today’s can watch it quantified in real-time, often reinforcing feelings of inadequacy.

One of the most powerful and often unconscious dynamics in this struggle is how our primal need for attachment frequently overrides our authenticity. As humans, we are wired for connection before almost anything else. When faced with a terrible choice between maintaining our authentic sense of worth and maintaining attachment to important people in our lives, our survival brain will often sacrifice our self-worth to preserve the attachment.

This explains why even people who intellectually understand their inherent value may continue to behave as if they don’t matter when around certain people – particularly authority figures, romantic partners, or family members. The threat of losing connection activates such primal fear that abandoning our truth feels like the safer option. Children in invalidating environments make this bargain instinctively: “I’ll believe I don’t matter if it means you’ll stay connected to me.” As adults, we continue this pattern unconsciously, particularly in relationships that echo our early attachment experiences.

The Blueprint for Future Relationships

This early conditioning creates a powerful template that shapes all future relationships. Having learned that their needs and opinions matter less than others’, many carry this blueprint forward, unconsciously seeking out or creating situations that confirm what they already “know” to be true. They enter friendships, romantic relationships, or work environments where they automatically defer to others, accept mistreatment as normal, and feel guilty for having needs at all.

They become magnets for people who sense this pliability and exploit it – partners who expect them to remain in relationship while being totally neglected, friends who disappear when support is needed but demand immediate attention for their crises, bosses who pile on extra work without recognition or compensation. They’re so busy hustling for their worthiness, they don’t even notice their own self-worth baseline is at zero.

What makes this cycle so devastating is how it confirms the original wound. Each relationship that follows this pattern becomes another piece of “evidence” reinforcing the belief that was planted long ago, operating beneath your conscious awareness but directing your choices nonetheless.

The Paradox of Accomplishment

Perhaps the cruelest aspect of internalized worthlessness is that it often persists despite objective evidence to the contrary. Many who suffer from this belief are highly accomplished individuals—teachers who’ve inspired hundreds, healthcare workers who’ve saved lives, artists whose work has moved many to tears, parents who’ve raised kind and capable children.

Yet deep in their nervous system, a primal panic remains: I haven’t done enough. It’s not enough. I’m not enough.

What makes this so insidious is that this belief often operates completely outside of conscious awareness. Many people reach middle age or beyond before realizing that “I don’t matter” has been the invisible force shaping their entire lives – their career choices, relationships, how they respond to conflict, their reluctance to ask for help, their endless drive to achieve, their difficulty receiving love. It’s not a thought you consciously think, but more like an operating system running silently in the background, influencing everything without announcing its presence.

When you receive genuine words of appreciation, these validations can get dismissed as the other person just being nice, unable to alter your core belief of unworthiness. The belief exists primarily in your nervous system, not your logical mind, which is why reasoning with yourself rarely helps. You can’t estimate how much you would need to achieve or how many affirmations it would take to finally feel secure in your worth.

This relentless sense of ‘not enough’ is not just personal but reinforced by cultural narratives that equate worth with productivity, self-sacrifice, and external validation. Messages from family, media, and institutions can make it seem as though our right to exist is contingent on what we contribute, further embedding this belief beneath conscious awareness.

As people age and their spheres of influence naturally shift or narrow—retirement from a profession, children growing independent, physical limitations increasing—this sense of worthlessness can escalate into an existential crisis. They feel they’ve failed to earn their right to occupy space on this planet, as though existence itself were a privilege that must be continually justified through service, achievement, or impact.

The Wider Context of Invalidation

This personal wound exists within societal structures that reinforce it. Many who feel this profound worthlessness are responding to very real systems of invalidation:

• Survivors of narcissistic abuse whose reality was systematically denied
• Marginalized groups whose histories, experiences, and pain are routinely dismissed
• LGBTQIA+ and gender non-conforming people whose identities are questioned or rejected
• Immigrants facing dehumanizing rhetoric, policies, and the constant threat of deportation
• Patients with invisible or contested illnesses who face medical gaslighting
• Neurodivergent individuals whose perceptions and needs are invalidated
• Whistleblowers and truth-tellers who face institutional silencing
• Elderly people whose wisdom and contributions are increasingly overlooked
• Children whose emotions are dismissed as manipulation or overreaction

In each case, people receive the message that their existence, their suffering, their perspectives simply don’t matter enough to deserve acknowledgement or response. For those holding multiple marginalized identities—like being a disabled survivor of color—these messages compound. Systems of oppression conspire to amplify worthlessness, making healing both more urgent and more complex. When these messages compound over time, the toll on mind, body, and spirit becomes inevitable.

The Compounding Weight of Intersectionality

For those holding multiple marginalized identities—such as being a disabled survivor of color or a queer immigrant—messages of worthlessness are amplified by overlapping systems of oppression. For example, Black women often face the “strong Black woman” stereotype, which equates worth with relentless self-sacrifice, while neurodivergent individuals may mask their needs to avoid being labeled “difficult.” These layers create unique barriers to healing, requiring approaches that honor both personal trauma and systemic erasure. These systemic intersections often exacerbate the trauma types we’ll explore next.

The Impact of Different Types of Trauma

The wound of worthlessness can be deepened by various forms of trauma that operate at different levels:

Systemic Trauma: When entire communities or identity groups face discrimination, marginalization, or violence, the message that “you don’t matter” becomes institutionalized. This creates a burden that goes beyond individual healing, requiring collective recognition and systemic change.

Intergenerational Trauma: The feelings of worthlessness can be passed down through families, with parents who never healed their own wounds unconsciously transmitting these beliefs to their children through behaviors, attitudes, and unspoken family rules.

Developmental Trauma: Occurring during critical periods of brain development, this form of trauma shapes how the nervous system responds to stress and connection, often creating deep patterns of shame and self-doubt that feel wired into one’s very being.

Cultural Trauma: When dominant narratives consistently devalue certain ways of being, thinking, or existing, people can internalize these messages as truth about their fundamental worth.

Each of these trauma types requires specific healing approaches that acknowledge both the individual pain and the larger contexts in which that pain exists.

Internalized Ableism: A Special Form of Worthlessness

For neurodivergent individuals, people living with disabilities, and those with chronic illness, internalized worthlessness often takes the specific form of internalized ableism. In a society that equates productivity with value and independence with dignity, those who need accommodations or whose bodies or minds work differently receive constant messages that they are “less than.”

This can manifest as:

• Feeling like a burden when asking for needed accommodations
• Pushing through pain or exhaustion to appear “normal”
• Hiding aspects of neurodivergence to fit in, even at great personal cost
• Measuring self-worth by ability to function according to neurotypical or able-bodied standards
• Constant apologizing for needs related to disability or neurodivergence

Healing from internalized ableism involves recognizing that human value does not depend on productivity, independence, or conformity to neurotypical standards. It requires finding communities that celebrate neurodiversity and disability justice, where different ways of being in the world are recognized not as deficits but as valuable forms of human diversity.

The Just World Fallacy and Cosmic Unfairness

Many who struggle with internalized worthlessness are, at heart, idealists. They believe deeply in justice, compassion, and the possibility of a better world. They are the ones who feel actual pain when witnessing cruelty or indifference. Their sensitivity—often pathologized as weakness—is actually a form of moral courage and empathic awareness.

When these sensitive souls repeatedly witness:

• Corrupt individuals rising to power while ethical ones are marginalized
• Wealth accumulated through exploitation rather than contribution
• Vulnerable populations abandoned by systems meant to protect them
• Truth distorted while lies are amplified
• The natural world desecrated for temporary profit

…something breaks inside. They feel like a tiny speck trying to resist a tornado of corruption and cruelty, powerless against forces that seem to reward the very qualities they’ve refused to embody: selfishness, manipulation, callousness, greed.

The psychic burden of maintaining hope in such circumstances becomes overwhelming. The gap between what should be and what actually is grows too vast to bridge, and with it comes profound disillusionment about one’s capacity to matter in such a world.

Few experiences cut as deeply as pouring everything you have – your time, energy, heart, voice, resources, and courage – into fighting for justice or positive change, only to watch the forces of corruption, indifference, or cruelty prevail anyway. The environmental activist who watches corporations continue to pollute despite years of advocacy. The family member who tries everything to help a loved one escape addiction only to attend their funeral. The whistleblower who sacrifices their career to expose wrongdoing, only to see perpetrators promoted while victims remain silenced.

The unique agony of these experiences lies in having to continue living in the reality you fought so hard to change. You must still breathe the polluted air, still pass the house where your loved one used to live, still read industry publications praising those you know have caused harm. Each day becomes a reminder of your defeat, your smallness against systems that seem designed to crush the compassionate and reward the callous.

After several such defeats, a bone-weary exhaustion sets in – not just physical tiredness, but a depletion that reaches into your soul. You begin to wonder if the problem isn’t the injustice itself, but your naïve belief that your efforts could ever make a difference against it. And that wondering hurts more than any external defeat ever could.

Many who experience this deep wounding come to see their own empathy and moral sensitivity as liabilities rather than strengths. They may wish they could stop caring so deeply, stop feeling the pain of others, stop being moved to action by injustice. This too becomes evidence for the belief that something is wrong with them – that they were built incorrectly for this harsh world, too tender to survive in it without constant wounds.

The Toll of Worthlessness

When the belief that you don’t matter takes root, it exacts a devastating toll across every dimension of your being:

Mental and Emotional Impact

The mind becomes a battlefield where what you know clashes with what you feel. You might understand in your head that all people have value, but your heart refuses to include you in that category. This painful split creates a constant inner tension that wears you down day after day.

You might find yourself living in constant worry, always on high alert, thinking “If I stop proving my worth even for a moment, I’ll be abandoned.” Depression can settle in like a heavy fog, bringing thoughts like “Why even try if nothing I do matters?” When you make a mistake, shame can wash over you for days, far beyond what the situation calls for.

Many describe the crushing experience of “emotional flashbacks” – where a small setback today suddenly throws you back into the overwhelming feelings of being worthless that you experienced as a child. The voice in your head becomes so harsh, so familiar, that you mistake it for the truth rather than recognizing it as echoes from the past.

For some, this struggle becomes so unbearable that they lose the will to continue. The thought takes root: “If I don’t matter, why go on?” This isn’t simple sadness, but a soul-deep exhaustion from fighting to feel valuable in a world that seems to confirm at every turn that you aren’t. This despair can lead to a dangerous defeat – not just on goals or dreams, but on life itself.

Physical and Somatic Manifestations

The body keeps the score of this internal battle:

• Chronic tension, particularly in the shoulders, jaw, and stomach
• Disrupted sleep patterns, often with difficulty falling asleep
• Digestive issues triggered by chronic stress
• A sensation of heaviness in the chest or throat
• Exhaustion that doesn’t resolve with rest
• A physical collapse response when facing situations that trigger feelings of ineffectiveness

The Body’s Role in the Experience of Worthlessness

The belief that you don’t matter isn’t just a mental concept—it lives in your body as well. Research in trauma studies has increasingly revealed how our bodies store emotional wounds, particularly those formed in early childhood before we had language to process them.

When children experience consistent invalidation, rejection, or neglect, their developing nervous systems adapt to this reality. The constant state of feeling unsafe, unwelcome, or burdensome creates patterns of physiological stress that become encoded in the body. Over time, these patterns become your baseline—so familiar that you don’t even recognize them as abnormal.

This embodied experience of worthlessness often manifests as:

• Chronic muscle tension, particularly in areas associated with protection (shoulders, jaw, abdomen)
• A collapsed posture that literally takes up less space in the world
• Shallow breathing that never quite fills the lungs completely
• Disrupted interoception (the ability to sense and interpret internal bodily signals)
• A persistent feeling of being “on guard” even in safe environments
• Disconnection from bodily sensations as a survival mechanism

What makes this particularly challenging is that many people with internalized worthlessness have diminished interoception—the ability to accurately sense what’s happening inside their bodies. You might not notice hunger until you’re lightheaded, fail to register fatigue until you collapse, or be unable to identify emotions until they’re overwhelming. This disconnect happens because sensing your needs requires believing those needs matter—something your nervous system may have learned wasn’t true.

Healing worthlessness therefore cannot be purely cognitive. You can intellectually understand that you matter and still have a body that behaves as if you don’t. True transformation requires working with the nervous system directly, helping it establish new patterns of safety, belonging, and inherent value. Practices like trauma-sensitive yoga, somatic experiencing, or even simple body awareness exercises can gradually help reconnect you with the bodily sensations that have been muted or misinterpreted for so long.

Pay particular attention to moments when setting a boundary or asking for something you need creates intense physical reactions—racing heart, churning stomach, dizziness, or the urge to flee. These are not signs that you’re doing something wrong; they’re your body’s outdated alarm system responding to perceived danger based on early experiences. With patience and practice, you can teach your nervous system that standing in your worth is safe, that your needs are valid, and that your body deserves to exist fully in the world.

No one is funding my writing. If this saves you a therapy appointment, feel free to buy me lunch: Venmo @ellentift

Spiritual Impact

Perhaps most profound is the spiritual crisis this belief creates:

• A sense of cosmic abandonment or rejection
• Difficulty receiving love or care from the divine
• Questions about whether existence itself has meaning
• Disconnection from one’s sense of purpose or calling
• The painful sense of being invisible to whatever forces govern the universe

Beyond Achievement: The Many Faces of “Not Mattering”

While feelings of worthlessness often attach to achievement and impact, they manifest in many other domains:

Relational Worthlessness

Many experience the belief that they don’t deserve love or meaningful connection:

• The person who automatically moves aside when someone walks toward them on the sidewalk
• The partner who can’t express needs for fear of being “too much”
• The friend who never initiates gatherings, certain no one truly wants their company
• The family member who sits silently at holiday gatherings, feeling invisible
• The person who accepts mistreatment, believing they deserve nothing better

Bodily Worthlessness

Some experience profound alienation from their physical existence:

• Difficulty taking up physical space or speaking up
• Neglecting basic self-care, feeling their body doesn’t deserve attention
• Apologizing for basic needs like hunger, rest, or medical care
• Pushing through illness or pain to avoid being “a burden”
• Feeling fundamentally uncomfortable in their own skin

Existential Worthlessness

Others experience a cosmic sense of being superfluous to the universe:

• The belief that their death would go largely unnoticed
• Feeling like an “extra” in the story of life rather than a protagonist
• A persistent sense that no one cares about their perspective
• The sense that their suffering or joy is insignificant to the larger world
• Feeling fundamentally alone even in crowded rooms

Moral Perfectionism: The Exception Rule

Those who struggle with worthlessness often live by a profound double standard — what we might call “the exception rule.” This manifests as the unshakable belief that:

“It’s fine for others to be human, make mistakes, and have limitations—but I must do better.”

This isn’t ordinary perfectionism aimed at achievement, but a moral imperative about one’s basic right to exist. The person operating under this belief system might:

• Easily extend compassion to others while mercilessly judging themselves
• Set impossible standards for themselves that, when inevitably unmet, confirm their unworthiness
• Make elaborate excuses for others’ shortcomings while allowing themselves no margin for error
• Believe they must “earn” what they freely insist others deserve inherently
• Feel fraudulent when receiving care or compassion they freely give to others

This moral perfectionism often operates beneath conscious awareness, becoming so deeply ingrained that it’s perceived as fact rather than a learned belief. It often stems from early experiences where a child’s worth was contingent on meeting impossible standards, carrying responsibilities beyond their years, or compensating for dysfunctional family systems. The child learns that their basic safety depends on extraordinary performance, creating a profound split between what they believe about others’ worth and what they believe about their own.

Read the rest of this article in the first book of Ellen’s series “There’s A Word for That”: https://a.co/d/05GMPCCX

Copyright Notice: This excerpt is from my book. All content is © 2025 Worldwide Groove Corporation. Unauthorized reproduction, distribution, or use of this material without permission is prohibited. Thank you for respecting my work. 😊

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Rape Crisis: England and Wales give the following statistics: Between October 2022 and September 2023: 1 in 4 women (6.54 million in total) have been raped or sexually assaulted;
1 in 6 children have been sexually abused;
1 in 18 men (1.34 million in total) have been raped or sexually abused – as adults.

On the 15th of March 2024, Rape Crisis published the following article: Alarming scale of sexual violence and abuse on mental health wards. It reads: “These investigations have uncovered deeply concerning incidents and safeguarding failures within mental health inpatient settings – almost 4,000 sexual safety ‘incidents’ were reported between January and August 2023, perpetrated by a combination of professionals and fellow patients. We commend the enormous courage and tenacity of the survivors who came forward to speak about their experiences of sexual harassment, rape and sexual abuse, raising awareness of this issue.”

Charlotte Lynch, for LBC, wrote, on January 2024: 139 Met officers reinvestigated for rape and sexual abuse after being allowed to keep their jobs. “They  (The Operation Onyx  Team) checked 1,418 officers and 218 staff for missed investigative opportunities, which resulted in 139 live rape and sexual abuse investigations now being dealt with by the Domestic Abuse and Sexual Offences team.” 

Vikram Dodd, Police and crime correspondent for The Guardian, on Fri 9 Feb 2024: Met officers dissuaded children from making sexual abuse claims, report finds “Other failures listed in the damning official report include blaming children for ‘making poor choices’ Metropolitan police officers tried to put off children from making complaints about alleged sexual abuse and privately blamed young people for crimes suffered, a damning official report has revealed. Most investigations into child exploitation were rated as inadequate by His Majesty’s Inspectorate of Constabulary (HMIC). Of the 244 cases it examined, 43 were graded as good, more than half (121) as inadequate and 80 as needing improvement.”

On the 3rd if September 2023, Ed Thomas – Special Correspondent – published on BBC News: Family courts: Children forced into contact with fathers accused of abuse. It reads: “Dozens of children have been forced into contact with fathers accused of abuse, a study has found. In some cases in the research, revealed for the first time by the BBC, the fathers were convicted paedophiles. In all cases, fathers had used a disputed concept in court known as “parental alienation”. The heartbreaking stories in the article demonstrate the little support found by protective mothers/parents, who are further abused by ex-partners and by the judicial system, separating them from their children and destroying lives instead of protecting them.
On the 17th of April 2024, Sanchia Berg, for BBC News, wrote:  Paedophiles could be stripped of parental rights under a new law

Speaking to BBC News, “Ms Harman said paedophiles who were guilty of that crime in the future would be “automatically deprived” of their parental rights.”  This is long overdue and needs to be implemented as soon as possible.

All these statistics and figures are just the tip of the iceberg. They certainly don’t reflect the profound damages (in mind, body and spirit) rape and sexual abuse/assault have on victims. For the last few years. There have been a few scandals relating to “celebrities” and individuals regarded as “powerful” and “hiding in plain sight.” Harvey Weinstein, Donald Trump, Epstein, Dan Schneider, Jimmy Saville. The list is endless. The same pattern occurs when those public figures are pulled out of the shadows, victims are treated as liars and publicly shamed: “Why did the victims speak sooner?” or “Instead of talking to journalists, why not go to the police?” Victims go to the police, and victims speak out (loud and clear), but they are the ones being relentlessly bullied: “Did you say NO?” – “Did you make it clear you didn’t want to?” “S/he/they are too powerful. Nobody will believe you.” – “It is just the s/he/they are! Let it go.”

Let’s not let the “high profile cases” make us forget all the children and adult victims and survivors in danger of sexual assault on a daily basis, at home, by a parent, a sibling, a family member, the church Priest, or the Scout coach. Perpetrators are everywhere. They are skilled liars and groom everyone around them to hide their dirty secrets, but it is clear that there is always some “rumour” or at least one person notices something but brushes it under the carpet. It isn’t that they are hiding in plain sight, it is that too many people know, but turn a blind eye.

The focus on prevention is missing the mark. Whilst educating children about personal and physical space and boundaries, “No, you can’t touch me there.” – “No, I don’t want to. Stop this” is important; it places the responsibility on the victims to stop the abuse when they, often, are too young to understand what is done to them and too young to defend themselves against an adult. The same goes for adults, especially women; “Don’t go home late and alone. Don’t listen to music when walking. Don’t wear this or that” and, again, the famous: “Make sure you make it clear: No is No” A rapist doesn’t care what a victim does or says.

A reminder: the only person entirely at fault is the abuser.

So, what needs to be done – beyond lovely slogans, #s, and prevention?

Education is needed to break all victims’ shaming and blaming myths.

Victims (big and small, and all genders) need safe places to go to and loving, supportive people around them. They need someone who holds space for all their emotions and experiences. They need to be heard.
They need professionals who do their job properly, defending them and holding the perpetrators to account.
Allies – non-abusive parents and carers – must be included in children’s care and safety plan and supported alongside their children.
Regardless of status, position of “authority”, bank accounts sizes, ALL PEPETRATORS should be arrested and face the consequences of their actions.
Law and legislation need to be changed so that supportive and protective parents can keep their children with them.

There is much to do and to be changed. Oftentimes, it feels hopeless.

Take gentle care of yourselves.

Sylvie

Helpful websites:

WE STAND: “Child sexual abuse affects the whole family. It can fracture family relationships and creates lasting trauma. We Stand takes a unique whole family approach to supporting victims of child sexual abuse and their non-abusing parents, carers, and siblings. We aim to ensure that all families impacted by child sexual abuse are supported to move on positively with their lives.”
Helping Survivors: “Our goal is to help people who have been impacted by sexual assault and abuse get the resources and assistance they need and deserve.”

The Survivors Trust – to find support in your local area

This article discusses suicide and suicidal ideation and may not be suitable for all audiences.

Originally Published via Powerfully Pwerless https://powerfullypowerless.wordpress.com/2023/09/06/we-need-to-talk-about-the-intersectionality-between-disability-suicide/

For as long as I can remember I have dealt with suicidal ideation and have had several attempts at taking my own life. Most of the attempts I never realized were suicidal ideation because they took place when I was a toddler, preteen, as well as a teenager so I felt it couldn’t be that because I was so young, as if age has something to do with it. As I am an individual who lives with a disability I was born with, and the way society views that, plus the way the disability community views suicide it becomes a difficult subject to talk about.

When society deems suicide acceptable to consider, painting a narrative of a life not worth living because of a disability, and the community in which you belong demonizes assisted suicide, or fails to acknowledge that people with disabilities contemplate suicide, and fails to see this as blaming and shaming, there is a no-win situation created. Our community, and society in general, forget that there is a reality where people attempt to end their lives and the result is not death but permanent physical, sometimes cognitive, disability, and while people may not be physically able to independently play out the actions required, they can and do struggle with suicide, whether or not it is due to society seeing them as disposable or any other reason similar to anyone that isn’t disabled.

When you have any form of disability that requires adaptation or accommodations in order for you to actively take part in life, unfortunately, you are often met with hesitancy, reluctance, or plain unwillingness and rejection in all areas of life, including when seeking support as individuals dealing with these things

Also, unfair but true, is the reality that those who became disabled, mainly through accidental means or sickness, compared to those who have always been, can be treated very differently, seeming to be preferred. No matter what the reasons, and how justified they may be, there still remains the issue of a lack of support for those with disabilities in comparison to other groups in society. With the views that are held within the disability community around suicide, even though my disability wasn’t obtained through any attempt on my life, I can certainly relate to and empathize with the experience of becoming disabled as a result of an attempt and suddenly belonging to a community where I may not be welcomed, but feel blamed and shamed for the reasoning behind my disability. No matter who we are we all need to do better with this. Even though disability does, without a doubt, add more complexity, attempting to prevent suicide through blaming and shaming isn’t an okay way to go about it. Clearly, we can see that…Can’t we?

Far too often, in the name of prevention, we talk about the impact of such actions on those left behind. While indeed the people who have lost loved ones, through completing suicide, need and deserve support it is an entirely different experience from suicide itself. Suicide is not something one is capable of understanding unless one has been through it. To feel that suicide needs only to be prevented because of the impact it has on those left behind when it is seen as over for the life that’s been lost is truly selfish and disgusting. Okay, so depending on your belief system, death marks an end or something that is over, and of course, death doesn’t mean that one is forgotten or never thought about again. In fact, the opposite of the latter piece is very much untrue, regardless of how someone dies they can be, and are, memorialized in some way. Yet, I must ask what about those who have attempted suicide where the end was supposed to be death but turned out to be severe unending damage that forever changes a person? Are they any less deserving of support than those who have lost loved ones because you see them as doing something horribly wrong that hurts other people?

In this set of circumstances, the outcome mentioned above was not as intended. The way the individual may view this can be in two vastly different ways. Some may live through it coming out the other end feeling a renewed sense of living, dually feeling that the life ahead of them may be worse than what caused them to feel ending their life was the only option, others may feel a renewed sense for living, become advocates in suicide prevention, sharing their story as a means to do so, yet some will feel that whatever it was that caused them to feel like ending their life was the only option that the life they once knew, in comparison to their current reality, wasn’t as bad as they thought, given their current situation. While none of these reactions or responses to their personal situations are wrong and certainly not something to cause them to be shamed or blamed, in certain contexts they are harmful and problematic.

Unlike someone who has obtained their disability through attempted suicide, I am an individual with a disability that I’ve lived with my entire life. Because it is all I’ve ever known, it is not something I hold strong enough feelings toward to the point where, in and of itself, it’s the reason for my attempts. That said, that doesn’t mean there are never moments or aspects of my life relating to my disability that are not the cause of them in an indirect way. But, just because I’m disabled doesn’t mean that the reasons for my thinking the only way to end it are any different from anyone else. Even when there is an assumed or obvious similarity in something, that does not mean that it’s the same. Judgment in the name of prevention is harmful, but the impact of such things is only experienced and felt by the ones being judged, not those doing the judging. While we are out here navigating, in public and online spaces, in our attempts to advocate for prevention, can we please do so with a little awareness, compassion, empathy, and understanding of the complexities involved? Awareness and prevention slogans and campaigns with undertones of blame and shame toward the many who are still here, but nonetheless deal or have dealt with suicide on some level, are damaging. We need to start by asking why people come to these conclusions and feel like ending their lives seeing it as their only opinion because the reality, for many with disabilities in particular, is that it’s an enticing option due to the lack of support and resources and the specific barriers to society and accessing many aspects of life we face. Instead of seeing our lives as invalid and disposable, too complex and complicated, not your problem, or as something that doesn’t apply to you, or that part of the population makes up such a small portion of a larger one, you need to ask yourself the following things, what can you do to learn about, advocate for, change about yourself, and the environments that you work and exist in so that not only disabled but all people no longer have to draw the conclusion that the only way out is to end themselves. I’m sorry, but many aspects of the current forms of prevention and awareness merely aim to continue life, are about targeting and choosing who may or may not have a worthy or valuable quality of life, not putting an end to anything that leads people to suicide.

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

This article will tackle active suicide and may not be suitable for sensitive audiences.

Suicide is a word we whisper when someone dies by their own hand. Often we are surprised to learn that the person died by suicide because we thought they were doing well.

As members of society, we have a responsibility to spread the news that people who look well are not always well. We must discuss suicide out in the open so we can beat it. Suicide is not inevitable, but it is unnecessary. Having open and honest communication about this difficult topic can open people up to an understanding of the cause of suicide and its prevalence.

The Vital Importance of Talking About Suicide

Suicide is a serious public health crisis in the United States, with suicide rates increasing by approximately 36% between 2000-2021. As many as 48,183 deaths were attributed to suicide in 2021. More people have died by suicide in 2022 than in 2021, with the number of deaths increasing by 5% to 50,000 people taking their own lives.

In 2021, the number of people who thought about or attempted suicide increased to 1.7 million people, while one person every minute completed their suicide.

Obviously, the statistics are horrendous and reflect a failure of society to recognize and help those who are suicidal. Instead, society expects the few counselors and crisis helpers to make a difference, but we are all responsible for helping those who are in emotional trouble.

Talking about suicide saves lives and helps cushion the impact of the loss of a precious life. Any death causes a ripple effect of loss and sorrow among family, friends, and the community.

Know the Risk Factors

The National Institute of Mental Health in the United States says that suicide is not a discerner of persons, and it affects people of all ages, ethnicities, genders, or any other demographic group. Suicide is a complex problem, as there is not one cause or factor that results in the completion of an attempt.

However, most suicidal people share some similar characteristics, as indicated in the list below.

• Depression or other mental health disorders
• Chronic pain
• Substance abuse
• A family history of surviving someone else’s suicide
• Owning guns or other firearms
• Exposure to a celebrity’s suicide
• Recently being released from prison
• Withdrawal from friends and family
• Increased mood swings
• Feeling trapped or hopeless
• Engaging in reckless behaviors
• Giving away belongings
• Saying goodbye as if they will not be seen again

The list above is not all-inclusive but highlights some of the risk factors involved with suicidal ideation or attempts. Someone who is talking about suicide, even passively, should never be ignored.

Men, CPTSD, and Suicide

Our men are struggling because their role in our society is ever-shifting. The number of men who died by suicide in 2023 so far is 39,255, that’s a 7% increase over 2021. These stats indicate that our men are dying from their demons, and we are not doing enough to make sure they do not fall through the cracks.

The question these stats bring is why? Why are so many men losing their lives to suicide? There are many reasons.

One, men are expected to not express their emotions. Men believe and are taught that they must be tough and never cry. We discourage male children from crying by stating, “Big boys don’t cry,” instead of allowing them to express how they truly feel. When these children grow into adults, the idea that they must not show emotion is deeply ingrained, leading some to pent up their emotions until they are destroyed by them. We must discuss and change men’s gender roles if we are to save lives.

Men self-medicate. Men are more likely to attempt to treat their anxiety and depression by using substances such as drugs or alcohol. However, alcohol further depresses men, and drugs only push forward dealing with the emotions that caused them to use. Those who use alcohol and drugs to escape are more likely to have suicidal thoughts and actions.

Men are encouraged to “pull themselves up by their bootstraps.” Showing how they really feel opens up men to ridicule and stigmatization. For this reason, many men choose to suffer alone and not disclose their emotional distress even to their doctor.

Misdiagnosis. Men are more likely to receive a diagnosis from their doctor of being overworked and in need of a vacation rather than listening to their distress and getting them the help they need.

We must open a dialogue about men’s gender roles and suicide to prevent more men from dying.

Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and Suicide

Complex trauma is a growing problem in the United States and the world, and it impacts children the most. Early childhood trauma refers to the traumatic experiences of young children who cannot verbalize their reactions to threatening events. Some of these events may include:

• Sexual abuse
• Narcissistic abuse
• Physical abuse
• Emotional abuse
• Witnessing domestic violence
• Natural disasters
• Accidents
• Living in a war zone
• Medically painful procedures
• The loss of a parent/caregiver

Most of us know someone who experienced complex trauma as children, and those experiences they had as a child have led to the development of a condition known as complex post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD).

CPTSD in adults causes dysregulated emotions and sometimes a feeling of needing to escape. Hypervigilance is part of complex post-traumatic stress disorder, meaning people living with it regularly feel on edge as though something terrible is going to happen at any moment.

Adults who have CPTSD are sometimes so overwhelmed by their emotions due to CPTSD that they become suicidal.

Suicide Prevention and Advocacy

Suicide is not just a calamity for those left behind after someone dies; it is a national tragedy. Suicide is a public health disaster that requires cooperation among individuals, families, healthcare providers, and government leaders.

The main thing that must happen is for advocates to rise up from the public and talk about the realities of suicide. Suicide is a highly preventable death, and it requires all of society to work together to defeat it.

The first step in advocacy must be speaking out and letting people know that suicide isn’t somebody else’s problem, it is a national disaster that must be talked about. No one must escape the conversation if we are to save lives.

To advocate for the prevention of suicide and for those who are affected by it, don’t be afraid to ask someone if they are feeling suicidal. Talking about suicide will not cause a person to die by it; that is a myth. People who are asked if they are thinking about harming themselves often change their minds because someone expressed that they care.

Do not leave a suicidal person alone. Instead, call 988 to receive help for that person. 988 is the new national hotline number that is connected to crisis counselors who will help in a totally confidential environment.

By calling 988, you might be assigned a crisis team who will come to the suicidal person’s side and evaluate them. No police are involved, only caring people who are trained to deal with mental health crises provide the help you need.

Ending Our Time Together

Remaining silent on the topic of suicide is literally killing people. People dying by suicide is a sad commentary on our society, where the expression of strong emotions and suicidal ideation are looked down upon.

Instead of whispering about suicide, we as a society must begin shouting about it from the rooftops, if necessary, to gain the ability to open a dialogue about it.

Please, do not become a statistic. If you are feeling like harming yourself, reach out for help today. No problem is so great that we cannot solve it together.

No one wants to die by suicide; instead, they need someone to care enough to stick with them and to make sure they are not alone.

“As long as you keep secrets and suppress information, you are fundamentally at war with yourself. The critical issue is to follow yourself to know what you know. And that takes an enormous amount of courage.” — Bessell van der Kolk.

“Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.” — Lucius Annaeus Seneca

***TRIGGER WARNING***

This article will tackle active suicide and may not be suitable for sensitive audiences.

Most of us recognize suicide as being something someone does to themselves to end their life. However, there is another type of suicide, passive. Passive suicide is just as deadly as active suicide and needs to be acknowledged.

This article, the third in our series on suicide, will tackle ways to recognize passive suicide and some things you can do to help.

What is Suicidal Ideation?

 Our discussion of passive suicide must begin with understanding something about suicidal ideation. Suicidal ideation, aka suicidal thoughts or ideas, is a term that describes a range of thoughts, wishes, and preoccupations with death.

Since there is no definitive set-in-stone definition of suicidal ideation, clinicians and researchers have a difficult time treating it.

The thoughts that accompany suicidal ideation include wishes to die, wishes one had never been born, and thoughts of not belonging to the world. All these thoughts can spiral into active or passive suicide.

What is Passive Suicide?

Active suicide and passive suicide are equally deadly and require immediate intervention by a mental health professional. Traditionally, women have been more likely to attempt to die by suicide than men, with men four times more likely than women to die because they often utilize firearms.

Unlike active suicide, where people use a weapon or other means to fatally harm themselves, passive suicide is more subtle. Perhaps the person wants to sleep all the time and avoids contact with other people remaining in bed hoping to die there. Perhaps the person avoids taking vital medications or eats large amounts of food when diabetic, both actions that can lead to complete suicide.

People who are affected by passive suicidal ideations have no complete plan of how they will die, but they do show signs that can be a warning to others that they are prone to suicidal behaviors.

• Having a family history of suicide or suicidal ideations
• Current or past abuse of substances
• Experiencing a personal loss
• Having a history of abuse or trauma
• Having a mood disorder such as major depressive disorder
• Suffering from a major physical illness
• Having little to no support
• Experiencing a lack of access to mental health care

If you recognize the above in yourself or someone you know, then read on to see the signs of a person contemplating suicide.

The Signs that Someone is Suicidal

Sometimes people can be passively suicidal for years and may not show on the outside that they are struggling. Critically, you must remember that passive suicidal thoughts and behaviors can very quickly turn to suicidal actions.

People experiencing active or passive suicidal ideation may display many symptoms that might go unrecognized by those around them. But if you know what warning signs to watch out for, you can act.

Some of the warning signs are as follows:

• Making jokes or expressing a desire to die
• Engaging in risky behaviors
• Looking for or gathering objects of suicide, such as prescription drugs or guns
• Increased use of drugs or alcohol
• Anxiety
• Irritability
• Aggression
• Experiencing a change in sleep patterns
• Depression or mood swings
• Withdrawing from life
• Giving away meaningful personal things
• Saying goodbye to loved ones and friends

It is vital to keep in mind that not all people will exhibit all of the symptoms. They may only exhibit one or two of the symptoms, so it is important to remain alert and know what to do if you or someone else are suicidal.

How are CPTSD and Passive Suicide Linked?

 Complex traumatic stress disorder forms from exposure to severe and traumatic experiences, known as complex trauma. Following is a quote from the National Child Traumatic Stress Network (NCTSN).

“Complex trauma describes both children’s exposure to multiple traumatic events—often of an invasive, interpersonal nature—and the wide-ranging, long-term effects of this exposure. These events are severe and pervasive, such as abuse or profound neglect. They usually occur early in life and can disrupt many aspects of the child’s development and the formation of a sense of self. Since these events often occur with a caregiver, they interfere with the child’s ability to form a secure attachment. Many aspects of a child’s healthy physical and mental development rely on this primary source of safety and stability.” NCTSN.org

An adult who survived childhood trauma is highly vulnerable to forming complex post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD). CPTSD is characterized by flashbacks, an unstable mood, and sometimes feeling survivor’s remorse. Perhaps a better description of Complex PTSD comes from Beauty After Bruises.

“Complex PTSD comes in response to chronic traumatization over the course of months or, more often, years. This can include emotional, physical, and/or sexual abuse, domestic violence, living in a war zone, being held captive, human trafficking, and other organized rings of abuse, and more. While there are exceptional circumstances where adults develop C-PTSD, it is most often seen in those whose trauma occurred in childhood.

For those who are older, being completely controlled by another person (often unable to meet their most basic needs without them), coupled with no foreseeable end in sight, can break down the psyche and the survivor’s sense of self and affect them on this deeper level. For those who go through this as children, because the brain is still developing and they’re just beginning to learn who they are as an individual, understand the world around them, and build their first relationships – severe trauma interrupts the entire course of their psychological and neurological development.”

As one might imagine, people who suffer from CPTSD may also be prone to suicidal ideation and both passive and active suicidal actions.

What You Can Do for a Loved One Who is Passively Suicidal

If you suspect someone you know is passively suicidal, you may feel upset and unsure of what to do. Perhaps you feel if you bring the subject up in conversation with them that, you will push them into suicidal actions.

That is a myth. Talking about suicide will not cause someone to die by suicide. Indeed, not talking about the subject can be very harmful to both you and your loved one.

The first thing to do is to begin asking questions. Don’t be afraid that the person may not love or like you anymore. This is their life we are talking about here not a popularity contest. Some sample questioning can help.

• How are you feeling?
• Do you feel as though you are giving up?
• Do you think you don’t matter?
• Are you thinking about dying?
• Do you think the world would be better off without you?
• Are you thinking about harming yourself?
• Have you thought of when and how you will die?
• Do you have a plan?
• Do you have access to a means to harm yourself?

Asking questions something like the ones above allows your loved one a chance to talk about how they are feeling and may reduce that person’s risk of acting on their feelings.

Above all else, do not leave someone who is expressing that they are suicidal. Call 988 and tell the trauma support specialist on the other end of the line about what is happening. They will send a team of mental health professionals to your location to assist in evaluating and, if necessary, getting the person you love to help.

What To Do if You Are Suicidal

If it is you who is feeling suicidal, you may be feeling overwhelmed right now with the thought of living. Perhaps you cannot see yourself ever being happy or moving beyond what has happened to you.

Passively suicidal people like yourself may believe that your pain will all end when you die, but you have no definitive plan on how to do it; you just want to go to bed and wait for death.

Your feelings of pain are very real. But it’s important to know they can pass.

There are several things you can do at this moment that help you get through this moment that may change the way you feel about yourself and dying by suicide.

Make a crisis plan. It is critical that you form a crisis plan before you become suicidal and write it down for future use. Put in your plan people to call and the phone numbers of friends and family you want to speak with who can help you.

Attempt to stay in the now. Try not to focus on the future but to only think of the moment you are living in. By doing so, you may decide that this moment is okay and change your mind.

Don’t decide today. It is not necessary to act on your thoughts right this moment, and you may miss something wonderful that is just around the corner. Use your curiosity to help you live on.

Talk to someone. Tell someone else how you are feeling, including friends, family members, or your doctor. Please be patient, as your family and friends may not know what to do for you at first. If they do freeze up, help them by telling them what you need from them. Tell them how you are feeling and what is worrying you. A burden is much easier to endure if you are not alone.

Call 988 or your doctor. 988 is the national suicide prevention hotline in the United States. When you call 988, you will gain access to a sympathetic ear and sometimes a team of experts who can advise you on what to do and give you the encouragement you need. 988 is especially helpful for those who are isolated with no friends or family to turn to. Contacting your doctor or therapist is also crucial, as they can get you the help you need.

If you live outside the US, here is a list of phone numbers you can call to get help.

Ending Our Time Together

To be honest, writing about suicide is difficult and harder than any other subject except for incest. It could possibly be so because I have experienced suicidal actions and suicidal thoughts.

When I was in my early 30s, I became filled with dread and wishing I was not alive. One day, I awoke to a normal day and went about my normal activities. Around noon I sat down to eat lunch and take my noon medications. At that moment, I decided to overdose.

I had warnings that I was in trouble because I had been feeling passively suicidal, thinking thoughts like, “I don’t belong in this world” and “I wish I had never been born.” It is crazy how quickly I crossed the line between passive to active suicide.

I lived because my brother came to visit and recognized that I had overdosed.

I spent a week in the hospital recovering. To this day, I feel awed by the quickness of my decision that had started out so passive but almost took my life.

If you or someone you know is exhibiting signs of either passive or active suicide, please don’t hesitate to get help.

The 988 hotline I’ve been talking about is a 24/7 free and confidential support line for those who are in distress and those who are with them. The 988 line will get you the resources you need to save a life.

“Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning.” – Albert Einstein.

“Hope is important because it can make the present moment less difficult to bear. If we believe that tomorrow will be better, we can bear hardship today.” – Thich Nhat Hanh.

This article will tackle active suicide and may not be suitable for sensitive audiences.

September is Suicide Prevention Month. This article, which is part of a series, focuses on suicide and suicidal ideations.

Everyone is vulnerable to suicidal thoughts and actions no matter where you live, what you do for a living, or any other demographic. However, while suicidal thoughts and actions are common, they also indicate something unusual, such as the presence of complex post-traumatic stress disorder. Thus, suicidal thoughts should never be treated as normal.

Suicide Prevention Month

September is the month when the subject of suicide is talked about and often reluctantly discussed. It is critical to raise awareness about suicide to ensure that you, your family member, or your friend will not become a statistic.

National Suicide Prevention Awareness Month was founded at the Reno conference in 1999, which is the year when Surgeon General David Satcher called for action, emphasizing that suicide is a serious public health risk.

In 2008, September was declared National Suicide Prevention Awareness Month to start a dialogue connecting people with suicidal thoughts to the treatment they need.

The group Project Semicolon encourages people to get a semicolon tattoo to support those who have mental illness or have lost someone to suicide. There are also necklaces, t-shirts, and other merchandise worn to make the term “suicide” a word and action discussed freely in society.

What is Trauma?

Trauma is an emotional response to a horrendous event such as an accident or abuse during childhood. Basically, trauma is your response to something that happens to you as an adult or as a child.

Childhood abuse harms a child’s mental health, ability to form relationships, and thought processes. Often, children who have been abused experience complex post-traumatic stress disorder, a mental health problem that is caused by ongoing trauma (not simply one traumatic event) and that alters the trajectory of the child’s life.

Some of the effects of childhood trauma are:

• Feeling fear or anger
• Reexperiencing the traumatic event
• Avoiding triggers
• Feeling worthless
• Feeling shame and/or guilt
• Having low self-esteem
• Grief
• Hopelessness
• Helplessness

Unfortunately, the effects listed above continue to occur in their adult life.

Mental health disorders can arise from trauma, including depression, alcohol and other substance abuse, complex post-traumatic stress disorder, and suicidal thoughts and actions.

Trauma and Suicidal Ideation

Research has shown that trauma is closely associated with suicidal ideation and suicide. A paper written by Tong-Chung Bahk et al. discusses how the researchers examined 211 seemingly healthy adults and screened them for a history of trauma and suicidal ideation. The paper addressed whether childhood trauma was a strong indicator of suicidal ideation. The authors concluded the following:

“Our results confirmed that childhood sexual abuse is a strong predictor of suicidal ideation. Perceived social support mediated the relationship between suicidal ideation and neglect. Anxiety fully mediated the relationship between suicidal ideation and both physical abuse and emotional abuse. Interventions to reduce suicidal ideation among survivors of childhood trauma should focus on anxiety symptoms and attempt to increase their social support.”

Other research conducted by Brokke et al. found that:

“Patients who had experienced sexual abuse reported higher levels of dissociation and were younger at the onset of suicidal thoughts, more likely to self-harm, and more likely to have attempted suicide; and they had made more suicide attempts.”

Suicide by the Numbers

It is critical to be aware of the warning signs of suicide and to act even if you are not a mental health professional and the person who is suicidal is a friend, a relative, or you. Suicidal ideation is nothing to fool around with, as the suicidal actions that could result happen quickly.

Statistically speaking, 75% of people who die by suicide are male. Women are more likely to attempt suicide, but men are four times more likely to complete suicide. As revealed by media reports, adults are not the only people who become suicidal. Stunningly, suicide is the second leading cause of death of people 10-34 and the fourth leading cause of death of those 35-54.

Clearly, suicide is a significant problem that the United States is attempting to address by offering the new mental health hotline 988. There are other ways to prevent suicide as well.

Preventing Suicide

As an individual, the best way to defeat suicide is to form your own plan before you have suicidal ideation. Your plan may include listing people you trust and reaching out to them when you feel you are falling into the abyss. Ask for support and accept it when it is given.

It is vital for you to share that you are having painful thoughts with someone else, so if the first few people on your list are not available, keep trying. Please don’t give up because they don’t answer the phone. They have not rejected you; they are simply busy at the moment.

Tell your friend or relative you are struggling and need someone to talk to. Express your feelings and emotions with them, even if those emotions are intense. Make a pact with that person that you will either seek help for you or that you will reach out for professional help.

Do what it takes not to become a statistic.

Ending Our Time Together

I have lived through two suicide attempts. The first occurrence was when I was seven years old, and the other was when I was in my thirties. I failed to reach out to others to ask for help, and I know how hard that is when you are in that mindset.

I nearly died, but I am delighted that I didn’t. To this day, I am unsure what trigger pushed me beyond the point where I was rational. I could have dialed 911 and gotten help, but I had not made a list of things to do when I felt suicidal, even though I had felt that way before.

You and I are so precious. The world would be so much colder if something happened to either of us. It is crucial to make that list and keep it in a position where you can see it before you take drastic action.

I hope this article has helped somehow and that you become determined not to become a statistic. You deserve better than that.

“A little more persistence, a little more effort, and what seemed hopeless failure may turn into glorious success.”             — Elbert Hubbard.

“You may not always have a comfortable life, and you will not always be able to solve all of the world’s problems at once but don’t ever underestimate the importance you can have because history has shown us that courage can be contagious and hope can take on a life of its own.” — Michelle Obama.

References

Bahk, Y. C., Jang, S. K., Choi, K. H., & Lee, S. H. (2017). The relationship between childhood trauma and suicidal ideation: role of maltreatment and potential mediators. Psychiatry investigation, 14(1), 37.

Brokke, S. S., Bertelsen, T. B., Landrø, N. I., & Haaland, V. Ø. (2022). The effect of sexual abuse and dissociation on suicide attempt. BMC Psychiatry, 22, 1-8. Brokke, S. S., Bertelsen, T. B., Landrø, N. I., & Haaland, V. Ø. (2022). The effect of sexual abuse and dissociation on suicide attempt. BMC Psychiatry, 22, 1-8.

This article talks about suicide and suicidal ideation, which may not be suitable for all people. Reader caution is advised.

The trauma response causes people not to think but to react emotionally and can be the catalyst for many mental health problems. One of the most severe consequences of trauma is suicidal ideation and attempted or completed suicide.

This article is part of a four-part series about suicide and its link to trauma.

What is the Trauma Response?

 A trauma response is how a person responds to distressing situations. Most people have experienced trauma of some sort in their lives. However, the type of trauma that can lead to suicide involves serious life-threatening events and causes the person experiencing it to feel helpless to control.

There are four primary trauma responses, including fight, flight, freeze, and fawn, also known as the four F’s of trauma. These trauma responses are learned because of threatening or abusive situations you survived in childhood or after a significant event. Unfortunately, unless a person works on these issues and puts them to rest, the four F’s of trauma may become the default response later in life as said person faces other situations that are perceived as threatening.

Understanding your trauma responses and which one you default to most often can aid you in understanding behaviors that have bewildered you. Facing your trauma response head-on, you can learn to choose a healthy response that works best at the moment instead of defaulting to behaviors you have learned from negative experiences in the past.

A Closer Look at the Four F’s of Trauma Response

To clarify the four F’s of trauma response, let’s examine them further.

The Fight Response. This trauma response is self-preservation and doesn’t care who it hurts. A healthy fight response is good because it allows you to respond to danger. However, if it is a trauma response, you could possibly alienate people or even harm someone else who doesn’t understand your reaction. An unhealthy fight trauma response can caus

• You exhibit controlling behaviors
• Bully other people
• Give you a false feeling of entitlement
• Push you towards narcissistic tendencies
• Cause you to exhibit a conduct disorder

One unhealthy fight response is to turn it inward and feel incredibly angry at yourself for no apparent reason.

The Flight Response. If the situation you are facing is or seems impossible to overcome in a fight, you might experience the flight response instead. Healthy flight responses allow you to escape imminent danger. However, if unhealthy, the flight response can lead to many reactions meant to help you run from perceived danger, including:

• Obsessive behavior
• Panic
• Constant fear
• Perfectionism
• An inability to remain still

Most of the time, the flight response is triggered by a situation that reminds you of something that happened long ago and is not happening in the present.

The Freeze Response. This response causes you to pause instead of fighting or running when endangered. A healthy freeze response allows a person to be aware, present in the moment, and be mindful. However, if the freeze response is unhealthy, it can lead to:

• Isolation
• Dissociation
• Perceived laziness
• Brain fog
• Zoning out

Sometimes, people get trapped in the freeze response because they fear they are endangered with no escape in sight. Instead of shutting down, you must learn how to deal with perceived danger through grounding techniques.

The Fawn Response. The fawn response is the least known of the trauma responses and is related to pleasing people. People who are around unhealthy others learn to try and appease unhealthy people to neutralize the threat. Those who fawn become attuned to the needs and emotions of those around them. While this response on the surface seems beneficial because those who fawn can better empathize deeply with others, it can also be highly detrimental. If you are responding due to a situation from the past, you may not see that you are responding in an unhealthy manner that is not sustainable.

Suicide and Suicidal Ideations as Trauma Responses

Trauma responses are often hard to manage and make you feel out of control. Because of the intense emotional component, you will seek immediate solutions to end your pain; sometimes, you may turn to suicidal ideation.

Suicide feels like a great solution to the pain caused by trauma, but as they say, it is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I know from first-hand experience that suicidal ideation can quickly turn to suicidal behaviors.

Suicidal ideation takes two forms: active and passive.

Passive suicide involves not having a plan or intent to die but desperately wanting your life to end. Active suicide is when you want your life to end and have an intent and plan to carry it through.

With either type of suicide, forming a safety plan often helps redirect your pain and buys you time to get the help you need. Sometimes, you must admit yourself into the hospital for observation and safety. Never be afraid to go to your local hospital for help. It will save your life.

The Wellness Recovery Action Plan  

To prevent suicide, many people utilize the  Wellness Recovery Action Plan (WRAP). WRAP is a powerful tool you can use to create the wellness that you crave. With WRAP, you will discover practical tools and develop a daily plan to help you stay going forward with your wellness objectives.

WRAP was developed by Mary Ellen Copeland, Ph.D., in 1997 to address a group of people struggling with their feelings and behaviors. The plan is effective because you discover and write down methods before the emotional crisis as well as ways to recognize when you are breaking down and need professional help.

The main emphasis in WRAP is the wellness toolbox, which consists of strategies to keep yourself well and to help you feel better. The wellness toolbox includes approaches you can use to recover or maintain your wellness.

1. Daily Plan. The daily plan consists of a simple structure that allows you to implement wellness tools in your everyday life. It includes listing things you can do every day to stay well on a particular day.

2. Stressors. Stressors are events and situations that lead to uncomfortable emotions and behaviors. These are triggers or red flags that happen in your life that can disrupt your wellness. Identifying your stressors and what tools you will use to respond to them is vital.

3. Early Warning Signs. These subtle signs of change indicate the need to take action to keep yourself from worsening. These early warning signs are things you might notice about yourself that tell you that you need to pay close attention and plan what you will do when you notice them.

4. When Things are Breaking Down or Worsening. When things begin to or have broken down, you might feel worse despite your best try. When you realize you are breaking down, it is time to take action to prevent you from falling into a crisis. Beforehand, you will have made a list of signs that you are breaking down and tools you can put into action.

5. A Crisis Plan. If a crisis occurs, remember it is not your fault. Having a crisis plan aids you in staying in control of the situation despite feeling out of control. You have made advanced plans that include those you can get in contact with to help you remain safe.

6. The Post-Crisis Plan. This part of the action plan will help you reintegrate yourself back into the world after a crisis. The post-crisis plan allows you to identify new tools and strategies based on what you learned about yourself during the crisis you just experienced.

While there are other methods to address crises that can lead to suicidal actions, WRAP is an easy and affordable tool to keep you safe. This approach is evidence-based¹ and is supported by research² to ensure it is highly effective.

Some Final Words

No matter how low you go into the abyss that is depression, no matter what has happened to you, suicide is never the answer. Yes, resisting the urge to end your life is challenging because of the pain, but you must recognize and act upon what is happening.

I, too, have been a statistic. I have experienced two suicide attempts and understand what it is like to experience severe and repeated trauma. I survived those attempts only because I was lucky enough to have had people who recognized my problem and got me the help I needed.

Because I have complex post-traumatic stress disorder, I have utilized my WRAP plan several times. It has helped me because I have a list of how I look when things are going well and what I look like when breaking down and heading for trouble.

I know all too well that suicidal thoughts and ideations can come seemingly out of the blue, leaving you gasping at how quickly a situation has escalated from experiencing a problem to having a suicidal thought. Remember to please seek help if you find yourself spiraling down.

Now, it is easier to reach out for help than ever before, as you can dial 988 to connect with mental health professionals. Veterans can press 988+1 to be connected with a national veterans hotline, or you can text 838255.

You are precious, and I am always rooting for you, as are many others.

“Fight for your dreams, and your dreams will fight for you.” – Paulo Coelho

“I’m a fighter. I’m a survivor, and I’ll get through anything people can throw at me.” – John Daly.

References

1 Petros, R., & Solomon, P. (2021). “How adults with serious mental illness learn and use Wellness Recovery Action Plan’s recovery framework.” Qualitative Health Research, 31(4), 631–642.

2 Petros, R., & Solomon, P. (2020). “Examining factors associated with perceived recovery among users of Wellness Recovery Action Plan.” Psychiatric Rehabilitation Journal, 43(2), 132–139.

Jumping right into it is my specialty, so I’ll do just that. I think that depression hits people with C-PTSD much differently than those without. There are days we find ourselves wishing everything was just over. The constant mental exhaustion, the anxiety, the lack of self-worth, and then there is the biggest issue of them all – NOTHING. Nothing is actually wrong right? Work is good, the dogs are good, and finances are good.

It lives rent-free, all the time

Yet you’re sitting there thinking about how simple it would be if you just simply died. There is no reason for this intrusive thought really. It’s just there. It lives rent-free, all the time. And if you talk to someone, they would tell you that you are indeed suicidal and need to seek help. Maybe this is just a me thing, but maybe it’s more than that. If you experience this too, I would say ask yourself this; Are you actually suicidal, or have you just detached yourself from the world so much so that you just don’t actually care about what life actually is, and it’s not that you actually wish you were dead, but you just don’t feel bothered by the idea.

We disassociate from many things in our lives, so what if we are actually getting to the point of disassociating from life itself? The “average” person sees a certain amount of value in human life. There is never a truly undeniable reason as to what makes our lives so valuable, but all of society puts that value there anyway. And then as a result you have a society that see’s the end of life as something entirely tragic and devastating.

Do you just not see the value of life the way society has painted it?

I think people like us are capable of seeing life without that intrinsic value. When you don’t have that view of life being undeniably valuable, you suddenly are capable of imagining things that might be unthinkable to everyone else. So I ask again, are you actually suicidal, or do you just not see the value of life the way society has painted it? While almost daily, I think about death, the end of my life, I don’t believe that I think about it because that’s what I want, I think about it because I have a hard time thinking in a world of 8 billion people, thousands being born every minute, that my life holds some kind of incredible value.

I think about death openly and commonly because it makes me consider what in this life DOES have value, and find something other than humanity that makes life worth living. Does that make sense? Perhaps not.

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Why do I need service dogs? Because I, like many, am on the road to recovery from complex trauma. I have been high-functioning most of my life. I’ve found ways to manage or cope with stress or trauma, but I’ve never actually dealt with the root causes. And I’m far from alone.

High-functioning mental illness 

We’re workaholics; the rocks others build on. We’re responsible, empathetic, and understanding. We’re on personal journeys and have personal missions. We do well in school, at work, or in social situations. We’re critical thinkers that find structural solutions; we’re bridge-builders. Leaders in times of crisis or change. The founders of good initiatives. The shoulders to cry on, the confidants, the advisors.

That’s our strength, as well as our weakness. We’re high-functioning alcoholics. Our amazing work ethic is actually an unhealthy way to avoid dealing with our untreated traumas. We excel in hobbies or physical activities because we’re desperately trying to feel better. Our empathy, understanding, and responsible natures are partially due to coping with stress and trauma.

We fight the good fight because no one fought for us. We are depressed. We are anxious. We are hyper-vigilant. The simplest things take us monstrous effort. We are burned out.

Not getting the help we really need, when we need it

The flip side of being high functioning is that when we reach our breaking point, we often don’t get the help, understanding, or support that we need. Most people can’t accept that we come across as well-adjusted, but we’re just managing our disease or even surviving day-to-day. That we desperately need AND deserve help and support.

Not getting help can lead to self-harm and self-destructive behavior

Self-harm is not uncommon for people who suffer from complex trauma disorders. Self-destructive behavior is definitely not unheard of. Especially in small communities with limited resources.

“Have you heard…?”
“Can you believe…!” 
“Well, I never!” 

The amount of gossip and surprised reactions when high-functioning people start falling apart is a normal day in the park for us. We’re not surprised. We can most definitely believe it. Most of us are painfully aware that we could be next. Or have already been there? It’s also the reason why a lot of high-functioning people don’t come out openly as having poor mental health or mental illness.

There’s already a taboo when it comes to talking about trauma. There’s a taboo on being adversely affected by trauma. There’s a stigma on seeking professional help for poor mental health or mental illness. But the social consequences when you haven’t dealt with trauma and you ultimately turn to self-harm or self-destructive behavior? Being the object of ridicule and social ostracism because you didn’t get the help you needed when you needed it. There’s nothing quite like it.

The ultimate “remedy”

That’s what I write about in a nutshell: my road to recovery. 

I write:

• Informative articles
• Op-ed pieces
• Personal blog entries
• Articles about advocacy and activism

But mostly I write about human nature and human rights. Because at the end of the day, my complex trauma is just a tiny part of who I am. 

I am a Renaissance Woman and Modern Entrepreneur. An avid reader, amateur writer, patient advocate, and complex trauma experience expert. A lifelong student of human nature and human rights.

My background may be complex. My disease may be complex. My life may be complex.

But at the end of the day, I’m Just Julie. A human being just like you.

Suicide is the last stop for people like me. I, and many like me, have lost a lot of people to suicide. While the rest of my environment is shocked, grieving, and taken by surprise, I am shocked, suppressing my grief, and not surprised at all. These people are my people. These people are my tribe.

I tried to hang myself when I was 12. It was pure chance that I failed.

No one knew at the time. And no one suspected or noticed how badly I was doing. My suicide attempt wasn’t a cry for help. It wasn’t a way to get attention. It was the only escape for me from an impossibly bleak situation and immediate future.

Sometimes failure is a good thing

I didn’t tell anyone about my suicide attempt until the following year. 

I connected with a cousin who was a lot like me in a lot of ways. He was also well-adjusted, but silently suffering from depression, anxiety, and suicidal ideation. Like me, his attempts at seeking support or understanding had worked counter-productively.

To me this connection was profound. It had taken me 14 years, but here was one person who got me. If there was one, there might be more. If there were more, there might be others who knew why I was the way I was. And maybe someone, somewhere had figured out how to live with being like me.

It’s a journey, not a destination

And that’s what I’ve been doing ever since. What I’ve been working towards. Not always consciously. Sometimes with detrimental results. Riddled with periods of complete and utter dejection; times when I cannot function.

But I also learned a lot. Met people who know a lot. Learned a lot of life lessons. Tried a lot of different things. I’m nowhere near my destination, but I’m on my way.

Self-Actualization

At various times in my life, I have been trying to self-actualize. And that helps me manage my disease better than anything else I tried in the past 42 years.

Part of my quest has been to learn about trauma and trauma disorders. That’s what led me to re-frame a key question.

What everyone has always asked, and what I’ve always wondered is:

What is wrong with me?

-Me, the first 42 years of my life

Current research suggests that when dealing with complex trauma it helps to re-frame the question into:

What happened to me that makes me the way I am?

-Me, the past 3 years

Since childhood, I have been wondering what is wrong with me. I have been told over and over that there’s something wrong with me. Have been punished for saying the wrong things or doing the wrong things. 

It turns out that what is ‘wrong’ with me is that I have perfectly normal reactions to abnormal, traumatic situations. What’s ‘wrong’ with me is that I have never dealt with my traumatic past, just been trying to fix symptoms. Not finding or treating the root causes.

Road to recovery

That’s what I write about in a nutshell: my road to recovery. 

I write:

• Informative articles
• Op-ed pieces
• Personal blog entries
• Articles about advocacy and activism

But mostly I write about human nature and human rights. Because at the end of the day, my complex trauma is just a tiny part of who I am. 

I am a Renaissance Woman and Modern Entrepreneur. An avid reader, amateur writer, patient advocate, and complex trauma experience expert. A lifelong student of human nature and human rights.

My background may be complex. My disease may be complex. My life may be complex.

But at the end of the day, I’m Just Julie. A human being just like you.