Rape Crisis: England and Wales give the following statistics: Between October 2022 and September 2023: 1 in 4 women (6.54 million in total) have been raped or sexually assaulted;
1 in 6 children have been sexually abused;
1 in 18 men (1.34 million in total) have been raped or sexually abused – as adults.

On the 15th of March 2024, Rape Crisis published the following article: Alarming scale of sexual violence and abuse on mental health wards. It reads: “These investigations have uncovered deeply concerning incidents and safeguarding failures within mental health inpatient settings – almost 4,000 sexual safety ‘incidents’ were reported between January and August 2023, perpetrated by a combination of professionals and fellow patients. We commend the enormous courage and tenacity of the survivors who came forward to speak about their experiences of sexual harassment, rape and sexual abuse, raising awareness of this issue.”

Charlotte Lynch, for LBC, wrote, on January 2024: 139 Met officers reinvestigated for rape and sexual abuse after being allowed to keep their jobs. “They  (The Operation Onyx  Team) checked 1,418 officers and 218 staff for missed investigative opportunities, which resulted in 139 live rape and sexual abuse investigations now being dealt with by the Domestic Abuse and Sexual Offences team.” 

Vikram Dodd, Police and crime correspondent for The Guardian, on Fri 9 Feb 2024: Met officers dissuaded children from making sexual abuse claims, report finds “Other failures listed in the damning official report include blaming children for ‘making poor choices’ Metropolitan police officers tried to put off children from making complaints about alleged sexual abuse and privately blamed young people for crimes suffered, a damning official report has revealed. Most investigations into child exploitation were rated as inadequate by His Majesty’s Inspectorate of Constabulary (HMIC). Of the 244 cases it examined, 43 were graded as good, more than half (121) as inadequate and 80 as needing improvement.”

On the 3rd if September 2023, Ed Thomas – Special Correspondent – published on BBC News: Family courts: Children forced into contact with fathers accused of abuse. It reads: “Dozens of children have been forced into contact with fathers accused of abuse, a study has found. In some cases in the research, revealed for the first time by the BBC, the fathers were convicted paedophiles. In all cases, fathers had used a disputed concept in court known as “parental alienation”. The heartbreaking stories in the article demonstrate the little support found by protective mothers/parents, who are further abused by ex-partners and by the judicial system, separating them from their children and destroying lives instead of protecting them.
On the 17th of April 2024, Sanchia Berg, for BBC News, wrote:  Paedophiles could be stripped of parental rights under a new law

Speaking to BBC News, “Ms Harman said paedophiles who were guilty of that crime in the future would be “automatically deprived” of their parental rights.”  This is long overdue and needs to be implemented as soon as possible.

All these statistics and figures are just the tip of the iceberg. They certainly don’t reflect the profound damages (in mind, body and spirit) rape and sexual abuse/assault have on victims. For the last few years. There have been a few scandals relating to “celebrities” and individuals regarded as “powerful” and “hiding in plain sight.” Harvey Weinstein, Donald Trump, Epstein, Dan Schneider, Jimmy Saville. The list is endless. The same pattern occurs when those public figures are pulled out of the shadows, victims are treated as liars and publicly shamed: “Why did the victims speak sooner?” or “Instead of talking to journalists, why not go to the police?” Victims go to the police, and victims speak out (loud and clear), but they are the ones being relentlessly bullied: “Did you say NO?” – “Did you make it clear you didn’t want to?” “S/he/they are too powerful. Nobody will believe you.” – “It is just the s/he/they are! Let it go.”

Let’s not let the “high profile cases” make us forget all the children and adult victims and survivors in danger of sexual assault on a daily basis, at home, by a parent, a sibling, a family member, the church Priest, or the Scout coach. Perpetrators are everywhere. They are skilled liars and groom everyone around them to hide their dirty secrets, but it is clear that there is always some “rumour” or at least one person notices something but brushes it under the carpet. It isn’t that they are hiding in plain sight, it is that too many people know, but turn a blind eye.

The focus on prevention is missing the mark. Whilst educating children about personal and physical space and boundaries, “No, you can’t touch me there.” – “No, I don’t want to. Stop this” is important; it places the responsibility on the victims to stop the abuse when they, often, are too young to understand what is done to them and too young to defend themselves against an adult. The same goes for adults, especially women; “Don’t go home late and alone. Don’t listen to music when walking. Don’t wear this or that” and, again, the famous: “Make sure you make it clear: No is No” A rapist doesn’t care what a victim does or says.

A reminder: the only person entirely at fault is the abuser.

So, what needs to be done – beyond lovely slogans, #s, and prevention?

Education is needed to break all victims’ shaming and blaming myths.

Victims (big and small, and all genders) need safe places to go to and loving, supportive people around them. They need someone who holds space for all their emotions and experiences. They need to be heard.
They need professionals who do their job properly, defending them and holding the perpetrators to account.
Allies – non-abusive parents and carers – must be included in children’s care and safety plan and supported alongside their children.
Regardless of status, position of “authority”, bank accounts sizes, ALL PEPETRATORS should be arrested and face the consequences of their actions.
Law and legislation need to be changed so that supportive and protective parents can keep their children with them.

There is much to do and to be changed. Oftentimes, it feels hopeless.

Take gentle care of yourselves.

Sylvie

Helpful websites:

WE STAND: “Child sexual abuse affects the whole family. It can fracture family relationships and creates lasting trauma. We Stand takes a unique whole family approach to supporting victims of child sexual abuse and their non-abusing parents, carers, and siblings. We aim to ensure that all families impacted by child sexual abuse are supported to move on positively with their lives.”
Helping Survivors: “Our goal is to help people who have been impacted by sexual assault and abuse get the resources and assistance they need and deserve.”

The Survivors Trust – to find support in your local area

Sylvie Rouhani

Writer – Blogger – Poet – Mental Health and Child Abuse Activist

Deputy Editor and Journalist for Taxpayers Against Poverty

Author of The Blossoming Lotus”

https://www.austinmacauley.com/book/blossoming-lotus

New Website: Breaking The Cycles

https://breakingthecycles.co.uk/

breakingthecycles.co.uk

This article discusses suicide and suicidal ideation and may not be suitable for all audiences.

Originally Published via Powerfully Pwerless https://powerfullypowerless.wordpress.com/2023/09/06/we-need-to-talk-about-the-intersectionality-between-disability-suicide/

For as long as I can remember I have dealt with suicidal ideation and have had several attempts at taking my own life. Most of the attempts I never realized were suicidal ideation because they took place when I was a toddler, preteen, as well as a teenager so I felt it couldn’t be that because I was so young, as if age has something to do with it. As I am an individual who lives with a disability I was born with, and the way society views that, plus the way the disability community views suicide it becomes a difficult subject to talk about.

When society deems suicide acceptable to consider, painting a narrative of a life not worth living because of a disability, and the community in which you belong demonizes assisted suicide, or fails to acknowledge that people with disabilities contemplate suicide, and fails to see this as blaming and shaming, there is a no-win situation created. Our community, and society in general, forget that there is a reality where people attempt to end their lives and the result is not death but permanent physical, sometimes cognitive, disability, and while people may not be physically able to independently play out the actions required, they can and do struggle with suicide, whether or not it is due to society seeing them as disposable or any other reason similar to anyone that isn’t disabled.

When you have any form of disability that requires adaptation or accommodations in order for you to actively take part in life, unfortunately, you are often met with hesitancy, reluctance, or plain unwillingness and rejection in all areas of life, including when seeking support as individuals dealing with these things

Also, unfair but true, is the reality that those who became disabled, mainly through accidental means or sickness, compared to those who have always been, can be treated very differently, seeming to be preferred. No matter what the reasons, and how justified they may be, there still remains the issue of a lack of support for those with disabilities in comparison to other groups in society. With the views that are held within the disability community around suicide, even though my disability wasn’t obtained through any attempt on my life, I can certainly relate to and empathize with the experience of becoming disabled as a result of an attempt and suddenly belonging to a community where I may not be welcomed, but feel blamed and shamed for the reasoning behind my disability. No matter who we are we all need to do better with this. Even though disability does, without a doubt, add more complexity, attempting to prevent suicide through blaming and shaming isn’t an okay way to go about it. Clearly, we can see that…Can’t we?

Far too often, in the name of prevention, we talk about the impact of such actions on those left behind. While indeed the people who have lost loved ones, through completing suicide, need and deserve support it is an entirely different experience from suicide itself. Suicide is not something one is capable of understanding unless one has been through it. To feel that suicide needs only to be prevented because of the impact it has on those left behind when it is seen as over for the life that’s been lost is truly selfish and disgusting. Okay, so depending on your belief system, death marks an end or something that is over, and of course, death doesn’t mean that one is forgotten or never thought about again. In fact, the opposite of the latter piece is very much untrue, regardless of how someone dies they can be, and are, memorialized in some way. Yet, I must ask what about those who have attempted suicide where the end was supposed to be death but turned out to be severe unending damage that forever changes a person? Are they any less deserving of support than those who have lost loved ones because you see them as doing something horribly wrong that hurts other people?

In this set of circumstances, the outcome mentioned above was not as intended. The way the individual may view this can be in two vastly different ways. Some may live through it coming out the other end feeling a renewed sense of living, dually feeling that the life ahead of them may be worse than what caused them to feel ending their life was the only option, others may feel a renewed sense for living, become advocates in suicide prevention, sharing their story as a means to do so, yet some will feel that whatever it was that caused them to feel like ending their life was the only option that the life they once knew, in comparison to their current reality, wasn’t as bad as they thought, given their current situation. While none of these reactions or responses to their personal situations are wrong and certainly not something to cause them to be shamed or blamed, in certain contexts they are harmful and problematic.

Unlike someone who has obtained their disability through attempted suicide, I am an individual with a disability that I’ve lived with my entire life. Because it is all I’ve ever known, it is not something I hold strong enough feelings toward to the point where, in and of itself, it’s the reason for my attempts. That said, that doesn’t mean there are never moments or aspects of my life relating to my disability that are not the cause of them in an indirect way. But, just because I’m disabled doesn’t mean that the reasons for my thinking the only way to end it are any different from anyone else. Even when there is an assumed or obvious similarity in something, that does not mean that it’s the same. Judgment in the name of prevention is harmful, but the impact of such things is only experienced and felt by the ones being judged, not those doing the judging. While we are out here navigating, in public and online spaces, in our attempts to advocate for prevention, can we please do so with a little awareness, compassion, empathy, and understanding of the complexities involved? Awareness and prevention slogans and campaigns with undertones of blame and shame toward the many who are still here, but nonetheless deal or have dealt with suicide on some level, are damaging. We need to start by asking why people come to these conclusions and feel like ending their lives seeing it as their only opinion because the reality, for many with disabilities in particular, is that it’s an enticing option due to the lack of support and resources and the specific barriers to society and accessing many aspects of life we face. Instead of seeing our lives as invalid and disposable, too complex and complicated, not your problem, or as something that doesn’t apply to you, or that part of the population makes up such a small portion of a larger one, you need to ask yourself the following things, what can you do to learn about, advocate for, change about yourself, and the environments that you work and exist in so that not only disabled but all people no longer have to draw the conclusion that the only way out is to end themselves. I’m sorry, but many aspects of the current forms of prevention and awareness merely aim to continue life, are about targeting and choosing who may or may not have a worthy or valuable quality of life, not putting an end to anything that leads people to suicide.

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Destiny Mowadeng

Hi, my name is Destiny and I am a Certified Tauma Recovery Coach. I have a disability called Spina Bifida and I am also a trauma survivor. As I am not a person who particularly likes face to face interaction my writing is a vital part of what I do for my own mental health as well as professionally. Being a person with a disability has developed into coaching those who are also survivors of trauma and are disabled similar to myself. I do this using a virtual reality platform called Second Life. I also own a website and blog to help advocate, education, and rise awareness about disability, mental health, and trauma within the context of disability.

powerfullypowerless.wordpress.com/

This article will tackle active suicide and may not be suitable for sensitive audiences.

Suicide is a word we whisper when someone dies by their own hand. Often we are surprised to learn that the person died by suicide because we thought they were doing well.

As members of society, we have a responsibility to spread the news that people who look well are not always well. We must discuss suicide out in the open so we can beat it. Suicide is not inevitable, but it is unnecessary. Having open and honest communication about this difficult topic can open people up to an understanding of the cause of suicide and its prevalence.

The Vital Importance of Talking About Suicide

Suicide is a serious public health crisis in the United States, with suicide rates increasing by approximately 36% between 2000-2021. As many as 48,183 deaths were attributed to suicide in 2021. More people have died by suicide in 2022 than in 2021, with the number of deaths increasing by 5% to 50,000 people taking their own lives.

In 2021, the number of people who thought about or attempted suicide increased to 1.7 million people, while one person every minute completed their suicide.

Obviously, the statistics are horrendous and reflect a failure of society to recognize and help those who are suicidal. Instead, society expects the few counselors and crisis helpers to make a difference, but we are all responsible for helping those who are in emotional trouble.

Talking about suicide saves lives and helps cushion the impact of the loss of a precious life. Any death causes a ripple effect of loss and sorrow among family, friends, and the community.

Know the Risk Factors

The National Institute of Mental Health in the United States says that suicide is not a discerner of persons, and it affects people of all ages, ethnicities, genders, or any other demographic group. Suicide is a complex problem, as there is not one cause or factor that results in the completion of an attempt.

However, most suicidal people share some similar characteristics, as indicated in the list below.

• Depression or other mental health disorders
• Chronic pain
• Substance abuse
• A family history of surviving someone else’s suicide
• Owning guns or other firearms
• Exposure to a celebrity’s suicide
• Recently being released from prison
• Withdrawal from friends and family
• Increased mood swings
• Feeling trapped or hopeless
• Engaging in reckless behaviors
• Giving away belongings
• Saying goodbye as if they will not be seen again

The list above is not all-inclusive but highlights some of the risk factors involved with suicidal ideation or attempts. Someone who is talking about suicide, even passively, should never be ignored.

Men, CPTSD, and Suicide

Our men are struggling because their role in our society is ever-shifting. The number of men who died by suicide in 2023 so far is 39,255, that’s a 7% increase over 2021. These stats indicate that our men are dying from their demons, and we are not doing enough to make sure they do not fall through the cracks.

The question these stats bring is why? Why are so many men losing their lives to suicide? There are many reasons.

One, men are expected to not express their emotions. Men believe and are taught that they must be tough and never cry. We discourage male children from crying by stating, “Big boys don’t cry,” instead of allowing them to express how they truly feel. When these children grow into adults, the idea that they must not show emotion is deeply ingrained, leading some to pent up their emotions until they are destroyed by them. We must discuss and change men’s gender roles if we are to save lives.

Men self-medicate. Men are more likely to attempt to treat their anxiety and depression by using substances such as drugs or alcohol. However, alcohol further depresses men, and drugs only push forward dealing with the emotions that caused them to use. Those who use alcohol and drugs to escape are more likely to have suicidal thoughts and actions.

Men are encouraged to “pull themselves up by their bootstraps.” Showing how they really feel opens up men to ridicule and stigmatization. For this reason, many men choose to suffer alone and not disclose their emotional distress even to their doctor.

Misdiagnosis. Men are more likely to receive a diagnosis from their doctor of being overworked and in need of a vacation rather than listening to their distress and getting them the help they need.

We must open a dialogue about men’s gender roles and suicide to prevent more men from dying.

Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and Suicide

Complex trauma is a growing problem in the United States and the world, and it impacts children the most. Early childhood trauma refers to the traumatic experiences of young children who cannot verbalize their reactions to threatening events. Some of these events may include:

• Sexual abuse
• Narcissistic abuse
• Physical abuse
• Emotional abuse
• Witnessing domestic violence
• Natural disasters
• Accidents
• Living in a war zone
• Medically painful procedures
• The loss of a parent/caregiver

Most of us know someone who experienced complex trauma as children, and those experiences they had as a child have led to the development of a condition known as complex post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD).

CPTSD in adults causes dysregulated emotions and sometimes a feeling of needing to escape. Hypervigilance is part of complex post-traumatic stress disorder, meaning people living with it regularly feel on edge as though something terrible is going to happen at any moment.

Adults who have CPTSD are sometimes so overwhelmed by their emotions due to CPTSD that they become suicidal.

Suicide Prevention and Advocacy

Suicide is not just a calamity for those left behind after someone dies; it is a national tragedy. Suicide is a public health disaster that requires cooperation among individuals, families, healthcare providers, and government leaders.

The main thing that must happen is for advocates to rise up from the public and talk about the realities of suicide. Suicide is a highly preventable death, and it requires all of society to work together to defeat it.

The first step in advocacy must be speaking out and letting people know that suicide isn’t somebody else’s problem, it is a national disaster that must be talked about. No one must escape the conversation if we are to save lives.

To advocate for the prevention of suicide and for those who are affected by it, don’t be afraid to ask someone if they are feeling suicidal. Talking about suicide will not cause a person to die by it; that is a myth. People who are asked if they are thinking about harming themselves often change their minds because someone expressed that they care.

Do not leave a suicidal person alone. Instead, call 988 to receive help for that person. 988 is the new national hotline number that is connected to crisis counselors who will help in a totally confidential environment.

By calling 988, you might be assigned a crisis team who will come to the suicidal person’s side and evaluate them. No police are involved, only caring people who are trained to deal with mental health crises provide the help you need.

Ending Our Time Together

Remaining silent on the topic of suicide is literally killing people. People dying by suicide is a sad commentary on our society, where the expression of strong emotions and suicidal ideation are looked down upon.

Instead of whispering about suicide, we as a society must begin shouting about it from the rooftops, if necessary, to gain the ability to open a dialogue about it.

Please, do not become a statistic. If you are feeling like harming yourself, reach out for help today. No problem is so great that we cannot solve it together.

No one wants to die by suicide; instead, they need someone to care enough to stick with them and to make sure they are not alone.

“As long as you keep secrets and suppress information, you are fundamentally at war with yourself. The critical issue is to follow yourself to know what you know. And that takes an enormous amount of courage.” — Bessell van der Kolk.

“Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.” — Lucius Annaeus Seneca

Shirley Davis

My name is Shirley Davis and I am a freelance writer with over 40-years- experience writing short stories and poetry. Living as I do among the corn and bean fields of Illinois (USA), working from home using the Internet has become the best way to communicate with the world. My interests are wide and varied. I love any kind of science and read several research papers per week to satisfy my curiosity. I have earned an Associate Degree in Psychology and enjoy writing books on the subjects that most interest me.

www.learnaboutdid.com

***TRIGGER WARNING***

This article will tackle active suicide and may not be suitable for sensitive audiences.

Most of us recognize suicide as being something someone does to themselves to end their life. However, there is another type of suicide, passive. Passive suicide is just as deadly as active suicide and needs to be acknowledged.

This article, the third in our series on suicide, will tackle ways to recognize passive suicide and some things you can do to help.

What is Suicidal Ideation?

 Our discussion of passive suicide must begin with understanding something about suicidal ideation. Suicidal ideation, aka suicidal thoughts or ideas, is a term that describes a range of thoughts, wishes, and preoccupations with death.

Since there is no definitive set-in-stone definition of suicidal ideation, clinicians and researchers have a difficult time treating it.

The thoughts that accompany suicidal ideation include wishes to die, wishes one had never been born, and thoughts of not belonging to the world. All these thoughts can spiral into active or passive suicide.

What is Passive Suicide?

Active suicide and passive suicide are equally deadly and require immediate intervention by a mental health professional. Traditionally, women have been more likely to attempt to die by suicide than men, with men four times more likely than women to die because they often utilize firearms.

Unlike active suicide, where people use a weapon or other means to fatally harm themselves, passive suicide is more subtle. Perhaps the person wants to sleep all the time and avoids contact with other people remaining in bed hoping to die there. Perhaps the person avoids taking vital medications or eats large amounts of food when diabetic, both actions that can lead to complete suicide.

People who are affected by passive suicidal ideations have no complete plan of how they will die, but they do show signs that can be a warning to others that they are prone to suicidal behaviors.

• Having a family history of suicide or suicidal ideations
• Current or past abuse of substances
• Experiencing a personal loss
• Having a history of abuse or trauma
• Having a mood disorder such as major depressive disorder
• Suffering from a major physical illness
• Having little to no support
• Experiencing a lack of access to mental health care

If you recognize the above in yourself or someone you know, then read on to see the signs of a person contemplating suicide.

The Signs that Someone is Suicidal

Sometimes people can be passively suicidal for years and may not show on the outside that they are struggling. Critically, you must remember that passive suicidal thoughts and behaviors can very quickly turn to suicidal actions.

People experiencing active or passive suicidal ideation may display many symptoms that might go unrecognized by those around them. But if you know what warning signs to watch out for, you can act.

Some of the warning signs are as follows:

• Making jokes or expressing a desire to die
• Engaging in risky behaviors
• Looking for or gathering objects of suicide, such as prescription drugs or guns
• Increased use of drugs or alcohol
• Anxiety
• Irritability
• Aggression
• Experiencing a change in sleep patterns
• Depression or mood swings
• Withdrawing from life
• Giving away meaningful personal things
• Saying goodbye to loved ones and friends

It is vital to keep in mind that not all people will exhibit all of the symptoms. They may only exhibit one or two of the symptoms, so it is important to remain alert and know what to do if you or someone else are suicidal.

How are CPTSD and Passive Suicide Linked?

 Complex traumatic stress disorder forms from exposure to severe and traumatic experiences, known as complex trauma. Following is a quote from the National Child Traumatic Stress Network (NCTSN).

“Complex trauma describes both children’s exposure to multiple traumatic events—often of an invasive, interpersonal nature—and the wide-ranging, long-term effects of this exposure. These events are severe and pervasive, such as abuse or profound neglect. They usually occur early in life and can disrupt many aspects of the child’s development and the formation of a sense of self. Since these events often occur with a caregiver, they interfere with the child’s ability to form a secure attachment. Many aspects of a child’s healthy physical and mental development rely on this primary source of safety and stability.” NCTSN.org

An adult who survived childhood trauma is highly vulnerable to forming complex post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD). CPTSD is characterized by flashbacks, an unstable mood, and sometimes feeling survivor’s remorse. Perhaps a better description of Complex PTSD comes from Beauty After Bruises.

“Complex PTSD comes in response to chronic traumatization over the course of months or, more often, years. This can include emotional, physical, and/or sexual abuse, domestic violence, living in a war zone, being held captive, human trafficking, and other organized rings of abuse, and more. While there are exceptional circumstances where adults develop C-PTSD, it is most often seen in those whose trauma occurred in childhood.

For those who are older, being completely controlled by another person (often unable to meet their most basic needs without them), coupled with no foreseeable end in sight, can break down the psyche and the survivor’s sense of self and affect them on this deeper level. For those who go through this as children, because the brain is still developing and they’re just beginning to learn who they are as an individual, understand the world around them, and build their first relationships – severe trauma interrupts the entire course of their psychological and neurological development.”

As one might imagine, people who suffer from CPTSD may also be prone to suicidal ideation and both passive and active suicidal actions.

What You Can Do for a Loved One Who is Passively Suicidal

If you suspect someone you know is passively suicidal, you may feel upset and unsure of what to do. Perhaps you feel if you bring the subject up in conversation with them that, you will push them into suicidal actions.

That is a myth. Talking about suicide will not cause someone to die by suicide. Indeed, not talking about the subject can be very harmful to both you and your loved one.

The first thing to do is to begin asking questions. Don’t be afraid that the person may not love or like you anymore. This is their life we are talking about here not a popularity contest. Some sample questioning can help.

• How are you feeling?
• Do you feel as though you are giving up?
• Do you think you don’t matter?
• Are you thinking about dying?
• Do you think the world would be better off without you?
• Are you thinking about harming yourself?
• Have you thought of when and how you will die?
• Do you have a plan?
• Do you have access to a means to harm yourself?

Asking questions something like the ones above allows your loved one a chance to talk about how they are feeling and may reduce that person’s risk of acting on their feelings.

Above all else, do not leave someone who is expressing that they are suicidal. Call 988 and tell the trauma support specialist on the other end of the line about what is happening. They will send a team of mental health professionals to your location to assist in evaluating and, if necessary, getting the person you love to help.

What To Do if You Are Suicidal

If it is you who is feeling suicidal, you may be feeling overwhelmed right now with the thought of living. Perhaps you cannot see yourself ever being happy or moving beyond what has happened to you.

Passively suicidal people like yourself may believe that your pain will all end when you die, but you have no definitive plan on how to do it; you just want to go to bed and wait for death.

Your feelings of pain are very real. But it’s important to know they can pass.

There are several things you can do at this moment that help you get through this moment that may change the way you feel about yourself and dying by suicide.

Make a crisis plan. It is critical that you form a crisis plan before you become suicidal and write it down for future use. Put in your plan people to call and the phone numbers of friends and family you want to speak with who can help you.

Attempt to stay in the now. Try not to focus on the future but to only think of the moment you are living in. By doing so, you may decide that this moment is okay and change your mind.

Don’t decide today. It is not necessary to act on your thoughts right this moment, and you may miss something wonderful that is just around the corner. Use your curiosity to help you live on.

Talk to someone. Tell someone else how you are feeling, including friends, family members, or your doctor. Please be patient, as your family and friends may not know what to do for you at first. If they do freeze up, help them by telling them what you need from them. Tell them how you are feeling and what is worrying you. A burden is much easier to endure if you are not alone.

Call 988 or your doctor. 988 is the national suicide prevention hotline in the United States. When you call 988, you will gain access to a sympathetic ear and sometimes a team of experts who can advise you on what to do and give you the encouragement you need. 988 is especially helpful for those who are isolated with no friends or family to turn to. Contacting your doctor or therapist is also crucial, as they can get you the help you need.

If you live outside the US, here is a list of phone numbers you can call to get help.

Ending Our Time Together

To be honest, writing about suicide is difficult and harder than any other subject except for incest. It could possibly be so because I have experienced suicidal actions and suicidal thoughts.

When I was in my early 30s, I became filled with dread and wishing I was not alive. One day, I awoke to a normal day and went about my normal activities. Around noon I sat down to eat lunch and take my noon medications. At that moment, I decided to overdose.

I had warnings that I was in trouble because I had been feeling passively suicidal, thinking thoughts like, “I don’t belong in this world” and “I wish I had never been born.” It is crazy how quickly I crossed the line between passive to active suicide.

I lived because my brother came to visit and recognized that I had overdosed.

I spent a week in the hospital recovering. To this day, I feel awed by the quickness of my decision that had started out so passive but almost took my life.

If you or someone you know is exhibiting signs of either passive or active suicide, please don’t hesitate to get help.

The 988 hotline I’ve been talking about is a 24/7 free and confidential support line for those who are in distress and those who are with them. The 988 line will get you the resources you need to save a life.

“Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning.” – Albert Einstein.

“Hope is important because it can make the present moment less difficult to bear. If we believe that tomorrow will be better, we can bear hardship today.” – Thich Nhat Hanh.

Shirley Davis

My name is Shirley Davis and I am a freelance writer with over 40-years- experience writing short stories and poetry. Living as I do among the corn and bean fields of Illinois (USA), working from home using the Internet has become the best way to communicate with the world. My interests are wide and varied. I love any kind of science and read several research papers per week to satisfy my curiosity. I have earned an Associate Degree in Psychology and enjoy writing books on the subjects that most interest me.

www.learnaboutdid.com

This article will tackle active suicide and may not be suitable for sensitive audiences.

September is Suicide Prevention Month. This article, which is part of a series, focuses on suicide and suicidal ideations.

Everyone is vulnerable to suicidal thoughts and actions no matter where you live, what you do for a living, or any other demographic. However, while suicidal thoughts and actions are common, they also indicate something unusual, such as the presence of complex post-traumatic stress disorder. Thus, suicidal thoughts should never be treated as normal.

Suicide Prevention Month

September is the month when the subject of suicide is talked about and often reluctantly discussed. It is critical to raise awareness about suicide to ensure that you, your family member, or your friend will not become a statistic.

National Suicide Prevention Awareness Month was founded at the Reno conference in 1999, which is the year when Surgeon General David Satcher called for action, emphasizing that suicide is a serious public health risk.

In 2008, September was declared National Suicide Prevention Awareness Month to start a dialogue connecting people with suicidal thoughts to the treatment they need.

The group Project Semicolon encourages people to get a semicolon tattoo to support those who have mental illness or have lost someone to suicide. There are also necklaces, t-shirts, and other merchandise worn to make the term “suicide” a word and action discussed freely in society.

What is Trauma?

Trauma is an emotional response to a horrendous event such as an accident or abuse during childhood. Basically, trauma is your response to something that happens to you as an adult or as a child.

Childhood abuse harms a child’s mental health, ability to form relationships, and thought processes. Often, children who have been abused experience complex post-traumatic stress disorder, a mental health problem that is caused by ongoing trauma (not simply one traumatic event) and that alters the trajectory of the child’s life.

Some of the effects of childhood trauma are:

• Feeling fear or anger
• Reexperiencing the traumatic event
• Avoiding triggers
• Feeling worthless
• Feeling shame and/or guilt
• Having low self-esteem
• Grief
• Hopelessness
• Helplessness

Unfortunately, the effects listed above continue to occur in their adult life.

Mental health disorders can arise from trauma, including depression, alcohol and other substance abuse, complex post-traumatic stress disorder, and suicidal thoughts and actions.

Trauma and Suicidal Ideation

Research has shown that trauma is closely associated with suicidal ideation and suicide. A paper written by Tong-Chung Bahk et al. discusses how the researchers examined 211 seemingly healthy adults and screened them for a history of trauma and suicidal ideation. The paper addressed whether childhood trauma was a strong indicator of suicidal ideation. The authors concluded the following:

“Our results confirmed that childhood sexual abuse is a strong predictor of suicidal ideation. Perceived social support mediated the relationship between suicidal ideation and neglect. Anxiety fully mediated the relationship between suicidal ideation and both physical abuse and emotional abuse. Interventions to reduce suicidal ideation among survivors of childhood trauma should focus on anxiety symptoms and attempt to increase their social support.”

Other research conducted by Brokke et al. found that:

“Patients who had experienced sexual abuse reported higher levels of dissociation and were younger at the onset of suicidal thoughts, more likely to self-harm, and more likely to have attempted suicide; and they had made more suicide attempts.”

Suicide by the Numbers

It is critical to be aware of the warning signs of suicide and to act even if you are not a mental health professional and the person who is suicidal is a friend, a relative, or you. Suicidal ideation is nothing to fool around with, as the suicidal actions that could result happen quickly.

Statistically speaking, 75% of people who die by suicide are male. Women are more likely to attempt suicide, but men are four times more likely to complete suicide. As revealed by media reports, adults are not the only people who become suicidal. Stunningly, suicide is the second leading cause of death of people 10-34 and the fourth leading cause of death of those 35-54.

Clearly, suicide is a significant problem that the United States is attempting to address by offering the new mental health hotline 988. There are other ways to prevent suicide as well.

Preventing Suicide

As an individual, the best way to defeat suicide is to form your own plan before you have suicidal ideation. Your plan may include listing people you trust and reaching out to them when you feel you are falling into the abyss. Ask for support and accept it when it is given.

It is vital for you to share that you are having painful thoughts with someone else, so if the first few people on your list are not available, keep trying. Please don’t give up because they don’t answer the phone. They have not rejected you; they are simply busy at the moment.

Tell your friend or relative you are struggling and need someone to talk to. Express your feelings and emotions with them, even if those emotions are intense. Make a pact with that person that you will either seek help for you or that you will reach out for professional help.

Do what it takes not to become a statistic.

Ending Our Time Together

I have lived through two suicide attempts. The first occurrence was when I was seven years old, and the other was when I was in my thirties. I failed to reach out to others to ask for help, and I know how hard that is when you are in that mindset.

I nearly died, but I am delighted that I didn’t. To this day, I am unsure what trigger pushed me beyond the point where I was rational. I could have dialed 911 and gotten help, but I had not made a list of things to do when I felt suicidal, even though I had felt that way before.

You and I are so precious. The world would be so much colder if something happened to either of us. It is crucial to make that list and keep it in a position where you can see it before you take drastic action.

I hope this article has helped somehow and that you become determined not to become a statistic. You deserve better than that.

“A little more persistence, a little more effort, and what seemed hopeless failure may turn into glorious success.”             — Elbert Hubbard.

“You may not always have a comfortable life, and you will not always be able to solve all of the world’s problems at once but don’t ever underestimate the importance you can have because history has shown us that courage can be contagious and hope can take on a life of its own.” — Michelle Obama.

References

Bahk, Y. C., Jang, S. K., Choi, K. H., & Lee, S. H. (2017). The relationship between childhood trauma and suicidal ideation: role of maltreatment and potential mediators. Psychiatry investigation, 14(1), 37.

Brokke, S. S., Bertelsen, T. B., Landrø, N. I., & Haaland, V. Ø. (2022). The effect of sexual abuse and dissociation on suicide attempt. BMC Psychiatry, 22, 1-8. Brokke, S. S., Bertelsen, T. B., Landrø, N. I., & Haaland, V. Ø. (2022). The effect of sexual abuse and dissociation on suicide attempt. BMC Psychiatry, 22, 1-8.

Shirley Davis

My name is Shirley Davis and I am a freelance writer with over 40-years- experience writing short stories and poetry. Living as I do among the corn and bean fields of Illinois (USA), working from home using the Internet has become the best way to communicate with the world. My interests are wide and varied. I love any kind of science and read several research papers per week to satisfy my curiosity. I have earned an Associate Degree in Psychology and enjoy writing books on the subjects that most interest me.

www.learnaboutdid.com

This article talks about suicide and suicidal ideation, which may not be suitable for all people. Reader caution is advised.

The trauma response causes people not to think but to react emotionally and can be the catalyst for many mental health problems. One of the most severe consequences of trauma is suicidal ideation and attempted or completed suicide.

This article is part of a four-part series about suicide and its link to trauma.

What is the Trauma Response?

 A trauma response is how a person responds to distressing situations. Most people have experienced trauma of some sort in their lives. However, the type of trauma that can lead to suicide involves serious life-threatening events and causes the person experiencing it to feel helpless to control.

There are four primary trauma responses, including fight, flight, freeze, and fawn, also known as the four F’s of trauma. These trauma responses are learned because of threatening or abusive situations you survived in childhood or after a significant event. Unfortunately, unless a person works on these issues and puts them to rest, the four F’s of trauma may become the default response later in life as said person faces other situations that are perceived as threatening.

Understanding your trauma responses and which one you default to most often can aid you in understanding behaviors that have bewildered you. Facing your trauma response head-on, you can learn to choose a healthy response that works best at the moment instead of defaulting to behaviors you have learned from negative experiences in the past.

A Closer Look at the Four F’s of Trauma Response

To clarify the four F’s of trauma response, let’s examine them further.

The Fight Response. This trauma response is self-preservation and doesn’t care who it hurts. A healthy fight response is good because it allows you to respond to danger. However, if it is a trauma response, you could possibly alienate people or even harm someone else who doesn’t understand your reaction. An unhealthy fight trauma response can caus

• You exhibit controlling behaviors
• Bully other people
• Give you a false feeling of entitlement
• Push you towards narcissistic tendencies
• Cause you to exhibit a conduct disorder

One unhealthy fight response is to turn it inward and feel incredibly angry at yourself for no apparent reason.

The Flight Response. If the situation you are facing is or seems impossible to overcome in a fight, you might experience the flight response instead. Healthy flight responses allow you to escape imminent danger. However, if unhealthy, the flight response can lead to many reactions meant to help you run from perceived danger, including:

• Obsessive behavior
• Panic
• Constant fear
• Perfectionism
• An inability to remain still

Most of the time, the flight response is triggered by a situation that reminds you of something that happened long ago and is not happening in the present.

The Freeze Response. This response causes you to pause instead of fighting or running when endangered. A healthy freeze response allows a person to be aware, present in the moment, and be mindful. However, if the freeze response is unhealthy, it can lead to:

• Isolation
• Dissociation
• Perceived laziness
• Brain fog
• Zoning out

Sometimes, people get trapped in the freeze response because they fear they are endangered with no escape in sight. Instead of shutting down, you must learn how to deal with perceived danger through grounding techniques.

The Fawn Response. The fawn response is the least known of the trauma responses and is related to pleasing people. People who are around unhealthy others learn to try and appease unhealthy people to neutralize the threat. Those who fawn become attuned to the needs and emotions of those around them. While this response on the surface seems beneficial because those who fawn can better empathize deeply with others, it can also be highly detrimental. If you are responding due to a situation from the past, you may not see that you are responding in an unhealthy manner that is not sustainable.

Suicide and Suicidal Ideations as Trauma Responses

Trauma responses are often hard to manage and make you feel out of control. Because of the intense emotional component, you will seek immediate solutions to end your pain; sometimes, you may turn to suicidal ideation.

Suicide feels like a great solution to the pain caused by trauma, but as they say, it is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I know from first-hand experience that suicidal ideation can quickly turn to suicidal behaviors.

Suicidal ideation takes two forms: active and passive.

Passive suicide involves not having a plan or intent to die but desperately wanting your life to end. Active suicide is when you want your life to end and have an intent and plan to carry it through.

With either type of suicide, forming a safety plan often helps redirect your pain and buys you time to get the help you need. Sometimes, you must admit yourself into the hospital for observation and safety. Never be afraid to go to your local hospital for help. It will save your life.

The Wellness Recovery Action Plan  

To prevent suicide, many people utilize the  Wellness Recovery Action Plan (WRAP). WRAP is a powerful tool you can use to create the wellness that you crave. With WRAP, you will discover practical tools and develop a daily plan to help you stay going forward with your wellness objectives.

WRAP was developed by Mary Ellen Copeland, Ph.D., in 1997 to address a group of people struggling with their feelings and behaviors. The plan is effective because you discover and write down methods before the emotional crisis as well as ways to recognize when you are breaking down and need professional help.

The main emphasis in WRAP is the wellness toolbox, which consists of strategies to keep yourself well and to help you feel better. The wellness toolbox includes approaches you can use to recover or maintain your wellness.

1. Daily Plan. The daily plan consists of a simple structure that allows you to implement wellness tools in your everyday life. It includes listing things you can do every day to stay well on a particular day.

2. Stressors. Stressors are events and situations that lead to uncomfortable emotions and behaviors. These are triggers or red flags that happen in your life that can disrupt your wellness. Identifying your stressors and what tools you will use to respond to them is vital.

3. Early Warning Signs. These subtle signs of change indicate the need to take action to keep yourself from worsening. These early warning signs are things you might notice about yourself that tell you that you need to pay close attention and plan what you will do when you notice them.

4. When Things are Breaking Down or Worsening. When things begin to or have broken down, you might feel worse despite your best try. When you realize you are breaking down, it is time to take action to prevent you from falling into a crisis. Beforehand, you will have made a list of signs that you are breaking down and tools you can put into action.

5. A Crisis Plan. If a crisis occurs, remember it is not your fault. Having a crisis plan aids you in staying in control of the situation despite feeling out of control. You have made advanced plans that include those you can get in contact with to help you remain safe.

6. The Post-Crisis Plan. This part of the action plan will help you reintegrate yourself back into the world after a crisis. The post-crisis plan allows you to identify new tools and strategies based on what you learned about yourself during the crisis you just experienced.

While there are other methods to address crises that can lead to suicidal actions, WRAP is an easy and affordable tool to keep you safe. This approach is evidence-based¹ and is supported by research² to ensure it is highly effective.

Some Final Words

No matter how low you go into the abyss that is depression, no matter what has happened to you, suicide is never the answer. Yes, resisting the urge to end your life is challenging because of the pain, but you must recognize and act upon what is happening.

I, too, have been a statistic. I have experienced two suicide attempts and understand what it is like to experience severe and repeated trauma. I survived those attempts only because I was lucky enough to have had people who recognized my problem and got me the help I needed.

Because I have complex post-traumatic stress disorder, I have utilized my WRAP plan several times. It has helped me because I have a list of how I look when things are going well and what I look like when breaking down and heading for trouble.

I know all too well that suicidal thoughts and ideations can come seemingly out of the blue, leaving you gasping at how quickly a situation has escalated from experiencing a problem to having a suicidal thought. Remember to please seek help if you find yourself spiraling down.

Now, it is easier to reach out for help than ever before, as you can dial 988 to connect with mental health professionals. Veterans can press 988+1 to be connected with a national veterans hotline, or you can text 838255.

You are precious, and I am always rooting for you, as are many others.

“Fight for your dreams, and your dreams will fight for you.” – Paulo Coelho

“I’m a fighter. I’m a survivor, and I’ll get through anything people can throw at me.” – John Daly.

References

1 Petros, R., & Solomon, P. (2021). “How adults with serious mental illness learn and use Wellness Recovery Action Plan’s recovery framework.” Qualitative Health Research, 31(4), 631–642.

2 Petros, R., & Solomon, P. (2020). “Examining factors associated with perceived recovery among users of Wellness Recovery Action Plan.” Psychiatric Rehabilitation Journal, 43(2), 132–139.

Shirley Davis

My name is Shirley Davis and I am a freelance writer with over 40-years- experience writing short stories and poetry. Living as I do among the corn and bean fields of Illinois (USA), working from home using the Internet has become the best way to communicate with the world. My interests are wide and varied. I love any kind of science and read several research papers per week to satisfy my curiosity. I have earned an Associate Degree in Psychology and enjoy writing books on the subjects that most interest me.

www.learnaboutdid.com

Jumping right into it is my specialty, so I’ll do just that. I think that depression hits people with C-PTSD much differently than those without. There are days we find ourselves wishing everything was just over. The constant mental exhaustion, the anxiety, the lack of self-worth, and then there is the biggest issue of them all – NOTHING. Nothing is actually wrong right? Work is good, the dogs are good, and finances are good.

It lives rent-free, all the time

Yet you’re sitting there thinking about how simple it would be if you just simply died. There is no reason for this intrusive thought really. It’s just there. It lives rent-free, all the time. And if you talk to someone, they would tell you that you are indeed suicidal and need to seek help. Maybe this is just a me thing, but maybe it’s more than that. If you experience this too, I would say ask yourself this; Are you actually suicidal, or have you just detached yourself from the world so much so that you just don’t actually care about what life actually is, and it’s not that you actually wish you were dead, but you just don’t feel bothered by the idea.

We disassociate from many things in our lives, so what if we are actually getting to the point of disassociating from life itself? The “average” person sees a certain amount of value in human life. There is never a truly undeniable reason as to what makes our lives so valuable, but all of society puts that value there anyway. And then as a result you have a society that see’s the end of life as something entirely tragic and devastating.

Do you just not see the value of life the way society has painted it?

I think people like us are capable of seeing life without that intrinsic value. When you don’t have that view of life being undeniably valuable, you suddenly are capable of imagining things that might be unthinkable to everyone else. So I ask again, are you actually suicidal, or do you just not see the value of life the way society has painted it? While almost daily, I think about death, the end of my life, I don’t believe that I think about it because that’s what I want, I think about it because I have a hard time thinking in a world of 8 billion people, thousands being born every minute, that my life holds some kind of incredible value.

I think about death openly and commonly because it makes me consider what in this life DOES have value, and find something other than humanity that makes life worth living. Does that make sense? Perhaps not.

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Benjamin Holthaus

Why do I need service dogs? Because I, like many, am on the road to recovery from complex trauma. I have been high-functioning most of my life. I’ve found ways to manage or cope with stress or trauma, but I’ve never actually dealt with the root causes. And I’m far from alone.

High-functioning mental illness 

We’re workaholics; the rocks others build on. We’re responsible, empathetic, and understanding. We’re on personal journeys and have personal missions. We do well in school, at work, or in social situations. We’re critical thinkers that find structural solutions; we’re bridge-builders. Leaders in times of crisis or change. The founders of good initiatives. The shoulders to cry on, the confidants, the advisors.

That’s our strength, as well as our weakness. We’re high-functioning alcoholics. Our amazing work ethic is actually an unhealthy way to avoid dealing with our untreated traumas. We excel in hobbies or physical activities because we’re desperately trying to feel better. Our empathy, understanding, and responsible natures are partially due to coping with stress and trauma.

We fight the good fight because no one fought for us. We are depressed. We are anxious. We are hyper-vigilant. The simplest things take us monstrous effort. We are burned out.

Not getting the help we really need, when we need it

The flip side of being high functioning is that when we reach our breaking point, we often don’t get the help, understanding, or support that we need. Most people can’t accept that we come across as well-adjusted, but we’re just managing our disease or even surviving day-to-day. That we desperately need AND deserve help and support.

Not getting help can lead to self-harm and self-destructive behavior

Self-harm is not uncommon for people who suffer from complex trauma disorders. Self-destructive behavior is definitely not unheard of. Especially in small communities with limited resources.

“Have you heard…?”
“Can you believe…!” 
“Well, I never!” 

The amount of gossip and surprised reactions when high-functioning people start falling apart is a normal day in the park for us. We’re not surprised. We can most definitely believe it. Most of us are painfully aware that we could be next. Or have already been there? It’s also the reason why a lot of high-functioning people don’t come out openly as having poor mental health or mental illness.

There’s already a taboo when it comes to talking about trauma. There’s a taboo on being adversely affected by trauma. There’s a stigma on seeking professional help for poor mental health or mental illness. But the social consequences when you haven’t dealt with trauma and you ultimately turn to self-harm or self-destructive behavior? Being the object of ridicule and social ostracism because you didn’t get the help you needed when you needed it. There’s nothing quite like it.

The ultimate “remedy”

That’s what I write about in a nutshell: my road to recovery. 

I write:

• Informative articles
• Op-ed pieces
• Personal blog entries
• Articles about advocacy and activism

But mostly I write about human nature and human rights. Because at the end of the day, my complex trauma is just a tiny part of who I am. 

I am a Renaissance Woman and Modern Entrepreneur. An avid reader, amateur writer, patient advocate, and complex trauma experience expert. A lifelong student of human nature and human rights.

My background may be complex. My disease may be complex. My life may be complex.

But at the end of the day, I’m Just Julie. A human being just like you.

Suicide is the last stop for people like me. I, and many like me, have lost a lot of people to suicide. While the rest of my environment is shocked, grieving, and taken by surprise, I am shocked, suppressing my grief, and not surprised at all. These people are my people. These people are my tribe.

I tried to hang myself when I was 12. It was pure chance that I failed.

No one knew at the time. And no one suspected or noticed how badly I was doing. My suicide attempt wasn’t a cry for help. It wasn’t a way to get attention. It was the only escape for me from an impossibly bleak situation and immediate future.

Sometimes failure is a good thing

I didn’t tell anyone about my suicide attempt until the following year. 

I connected with a cousin who was a lot like me in a lot of ways. He was also well-adjusted, but silently suffering from depression, anxiety, and suicidal ideation. Like me, his attempts at seeking support or understanding had worked counter-productively.

To me this connection was profound. It had taken me 14 years, but here was one person who got me. If there was one, there might be more. If there were more, there might be others who knew why I was the way I was. And maybe someone, somewhere had figured out how to live with being like me.

It’s a journey, not a destination

And that’s what I’ve been doing ever since. What I’ve been working towards. Not always consciously. Sometimes with detrimental results. Riddled with periods of complete and utter dejection; times when I cannot function.

But I also learned a lot. Met people who know a lot. Learned a lot of life lessons. Tried a lot of different things. I’m nowhere near my destination, but I’m on my way.

Self-Actualization

At various times in my life, I have been trying to self-actualize. And that helps me manage my disease better than anything else I tried in the past 42 years.

Part of my quest has been to learn about trauma and trauma disorders. That’s what led me to re-frame a key question.

What everyone has always asked, and what I’ve always wondered is:

What is wrong with me?

-Me, the first 42 years of my life

Current research suggests that when dealing with complex trauma it helps to re-frame the question into:

What happened to me that makes me the way I am?

-Me, the past 3 years

Since childhood, I have been wondering what is wrong with me. I have been told over and over that there’s something wrong with me. Have been punished for saying the wrong things or doing the wrong things. 

It turns out that what is ‘wrong’ with me is that I have perfectly normal reactions to abnormal, traumatic situations. What’s ‘wrong’ with me is that I have never dealt with my traumatic past, just been trying to fix symptoms. Not finding or treating the root causes.

Road to recovery

That’s what I write about in a nutshell: my road to recovery. 

I write:

• Informative articles
• Op-ed pieces
• Personal blog entries
• Articles about advocacy and activism

But mostly I write about human nature and human rights. Because at the end of the day, my complex trauma is just a tiny part of who I am. 

I am a Renaissance Woman and Modern Entrepreneur. An avid reader, amateur writer, patient advocate, and complex trauma experience expert. A lifelong student of human nature and human rights.

My background may be complex. My disease may be complex. My life may be complex.

But at the end of the day, I’m Just Julie. A human being just like you.

Julie Faruba

Julie is a renaissance woman. Mental health patient advocate. Certified compliance professional. Avid reader. Amateur writer. Passionate dancer. Animal friend. Life-long student. Free speech proponent. Human rights champion. Devil’s advocate debater. Complex Trauma Experience Expert.

jsfaruba.com

This article will focus on enhancing the self-esteem of men to prevent them from dying by suicide.

What is Self-Esteem?

Self-esteem is a phrase that has become popular. Many use it interchangeably with self-love or as a catchphrase describing their personality. While these definitions are not exact, they are close.

Self-esteem describes how we perceive and value ourselves based on our beliefs and opinions of who we are as people. Self-esteem is like self-respect, as the term describes your confidence in your attributes and abilities.

It is critical to have healthy self-esteem, to have mental well-being, and a better quality of life. Problems arise when people have too high or too low self-esteem. It is vital to find a balance that makes you feel mentally healthy.

Some essential elements of self-esteem include:

• Feeling secure
• Self-confidence
• Identity
• Feeling competent
• Having a sense of belonging

Low self-esteem usually occurs because of an unhappy childhood, poor relationships with significant people, ongoing stress, or anxiety or depression. To be clear, many causes for low self-esteem are not mentioned here.

Why are So Many Men Dying by Suicide in the United States?

By now, you can see that men are under tremendous pressure that either harms or destroys their self-esteem.

While one cannot name all the reasons men die by suicide, four potential causes are given below.

Number one is how men’s role in society molds who they are and how they behave. Society tremendously pressures men to be the breadwinner, to be strong, and never, ever to weep. It is detrimental for men to admit they aren’t feeling tough or to cry in front of anyone. Often, men are not encouraged to speak up or act emotionally for fear of being seen as weak.

The number two reason men die by suicide is the abuse of substances. One cannot speak of alcohol without mentioning it is a depressant. However, most people who drink alcohol don’t realize this and will use it to medicate their emotional pain. Unfortunately, although alcohol will cause men to relax it only lasts a short time, and they are left with depressive symptoms that they are afraid to talk about. Over time, the symptoms and abuse of alcohol will worsen, and the man will either die from liver failure or by suicide.

The number three cause of male suicide on our list is the lack of communication men have with others about their mental health. Men would rather internalize their emotions, causing a seething cauldron of pain and sorrow to simmer. Once their cauldron of emotion comes to a boil, some men will try to die by suicide, and many will succeed.

The last cause on our list (remember the list is much longer than this) is financial problems. The pressure on men for finances is tremendous, especially for men. Men are taught from a young age that they are the man of the house and responsible for the lives of those he cares for there. When financial problems occur, some men panic, but since they may not express their emotions, some men decide that their loved ones would be better off with them. During an economic downturn in the nation, such as a recession, men may lose their jobs or worry about it happening, leading to increased suicide rates among men.

How Men Can Build Their Self-Esteem

Men can help themselves by working on their self-esteem. This means that men will feel confident in all they do and feel they are worthy and whole, despite what their environment tells them.

It is critical to note that there are many ways a man can work on himself to improve his self-image and self-esteem.

1. The primary key for men to build self-esteem is to believe in their decision-making abilities. While this skill isn’t taught by society, it is critical to avoid suicidal ideations and actions. Believing in their abilities will take practice, and embracing their failures is vital. A man needs to understand deep down where it counts that they are successful even when things do not go as planned.

2. It is critical to building self-esteem by tuning out negativity and dialing in positivity. Men can listen carefully to their self-talk and hear any negativity in their speech. Men can then practice replacing negative self-talk with positive thought patterns. This is a job only the man can do for himself.
3. Men need to focus on their assets instead of living life coveting things or people. A confident man knows that his most important focus should not be on their intelligence, physical ability, or personal assets. Instead, a confident man focuses on who they are as a person and how they treat others.
4. Confident men practice gratitude in all they do. One way to build a man’s self-esteem is to make a gratitude list. This exercise will help men turn from negatively thinking about their lives, replacing it with thoughts of gratitude. Being grateful is a powerful tool in the fight to end male suicide.
5. Accepting change is vital for a man to handle the day-to-day challenges he faces in his life. Nothing stays the same and men must understand this and be flexible enough to roll with it. No matter what happens in a man’s life, he needs to grow in confidence that he can handle it. By accepting change, a man’s self-esteem will grow.
6. Men believing that they are worthy of happiness is critical. A man’s worthiness does not depend on his race, sexual orientation, or ethnicity. Instead, it depends on how you see yourself. If the man sees himself as unworthy of all life offers him, he needs to realize that there is a difference between feeling you deserve happiness and being worthy of it. Being worthy means men’s self-esteem can absorb happiness into themselves and find it in the simple things.
7. Remaining in the present and not dwelling on the past, men can keep their eyes on how they feel and what others are saying. If others are speaking negatively, it is time to consider either pointing this out or ending the relationship. This encourages self-care and self-esteem.

Ending Our Time Together

The discussion about suicide and its causes must begin and continue if we are to save our men’s lives. We must work together to make the statistics go away that say that so many thousands of men die each year by suicide.

I hope this series on male suicide has helped someone to understand how valuable they are and that there are ways to change things. Men are one-half of the world’s population and must be protected and preserved.

If we do not carry on this conversation, we are guilty of allowing our men to wither and die.

Men are beautiful and have deep emotions just as women do. They deserve our respect and for us to help build them up whenever possible. Society needs to back off and instead of poisoning male children with the hoopla that we force them to swallow tell them how wonderful they are just because they are alive.

It is time to act.

“The difference between a confident man and an unconfident one is not that they don’t experience self-doubt and fear, but rather they choose a time to push beyond it and take decisive action.” – Jesse Jimz

References

Veteran Suicide Data and Reporting. (2022) U.S. Department of Veteran Affairs.

https://www.mentalhealth.va.gov/suicide_prevention/data.asp

Shirley Davis

My name is Shirley Davis and I am a freelance writer with over 40-years- experience writing short stories and poetry. Living as I do among the corn and bean fields of Illinois (USA), working from home using the Internet has become the best way to communicate with the world. My interests are wide and varied. I love any kind of science and read several research papers per week to satisfy my curiosity. I have earned an Associate Degree in Psychology and enjoy writing books on the subjects that most interest me.

www.learnaboutdid.com

I met my friend Steve in a park on the west side of Chicago in a rougher neighborhood at a homeless feeding. I was on the street at the time and passing through the city riding freight trains to the west coast of the United States.
Steve was 17 and told me he had been running away and riding trains since he was 14, but something always brought him back home.

Several months after meeting him in Chicago We ran into each other once more in a soup kitchen in Portland Oregon. It would be like this for several more years even after I got off the street. Steve was fearless, I remember getting pictures of him from India and Nepal trekking to Everest base camp. After going back home for a summer he had gotten a job and saved up just enough money to fly to India and Europe.

Over the years I would run into him in the basement of the University of North Carolina library in Asheville. According to him, the library had the best calculus book he had found and he would sit in the library studying it. His goal was to teach himself to build and program synthesizers. He was obsessed with Electronic music.

One evening I found myself in the basement of the same library at the University I would run into Steve. 

Hopping on a computer I scrolled through some social media messages until I came across one that stood out. It was a message from someone back when I was on the street. Reading further my heart sank. Steve was dead, not just dead, he had killed himself.

I was devastated, a lump in my throat formed as my mind raced into a blur of confusion, shock, and grief. I knew Steve had been running from something just as I had when I was on the street, but where I had chosen to turn around and get help he had failed to face the monsters he had been running in circles from, and now he was gone.

Strive for greater alignment:

Ask Yourself,

How are the decisions you are making in your life aligning to your goals?

What adjustments can I make to align closer?

‘A house built on rock can weather any storm but one built on sand will wash away ‘

No matter the outcome we may have in our minds, the decisions we are making every day are what get us there.

The problem for many of us isn’t that we aren’t taking action. For many of us, it’s the foundation we move from. Our habits and choices affect the quality of action and balance we create.

When we experience trauma or adversity the gap between us and hope can feel like a chasm but hope often is the “why” so many of us are desperately searching to move from helplessness to help ourselves.

According to Anthony Scioli and Henry B. Biller Authors of the book ‘Hope In The Age Of Anxiety’ Hope is linked to three vital needs 

• Attachment
  • Our relational patterns and experiences

• Mastery
  • Our Talents, Goals, and sense of Purpose

• Survival
  • Trust, yearning, instinct, drive. Turning fear into determination as a motivator.
  • Transmuting the energy of fear into motivation and determination to move forward.

For many of us, we can become so focused on the outcome that we get stuck in our blind spots, old patterns, and programming, how we see ourselves, and messages about ourselves we’ve been made to believe. These blind spots and unconscious ways we see ourselves must be brought to the light, felt, seen, and rewritten for us to welcome in the new life and version of ourselves we are striving for. 

Often we find ourselves turning our gears and repeating the same mistakes and problems.

Many times this takes having a new experience that shatters the old belief and often times this means taking a risk that can feel scary and threatening to our old identity 

A recipe for realignment:

• Relax
  • Disconnect / Set Boundaries
    • Step away from your routine
    • Have some fun
    • Do something for yourself
    • Make a change in your environment
• Ground / Be Your Own Authority
  • Anchor
    • Seek out and employ new techniques to clear your mind, reset your energy and come back to your body and the present moment
    • Spend time in nature / Forest Bathing/nature and neuroscience
    • Disconnect from your device
    • Meditate
    • Exercise
    • Pranayama
    • Heart Math

• ReConnect / Take Action
  • Come back with a fresh perspective 
  • Make a change
  • Implement new habits
  • Set New boundaries
  • Start Slow
  • Start Small
  • Grow habits Create momentum through small achievements, Dopamine, and rewards

Listen to yourself / Be your own authority:

People will try to tell you who you are, where to go, what to do, and how to live your life

But only you can determine what is possible and what you are capable of and it starts by developing that relationship with yourself.

The more you listen to yourself the more your inner voice and compass get stronger and the more you trust your own decision making

The more trust and confidence you develop the more power you have to discern and direct the flow of your life and the better boundaries emotionally you can create with people
Find balance.

Set Boundaries

Often times when we restrict access to our energy the people around us who are used to getting our energy relating to us or interacting with us in a certain way can get mad hurt or try to take it from us without our consent through manipulation and often times these reactions are unconscious and speak to a greater unfulfilled need that the person has. Many times the energy you give or the way you interact relate or just are can become a crutch for others and people start to rely on this way of being to fill a space in their life that they haven’t worked on or have not figured out how to fill. But when we pull our energy back and direct it in our own lives for our own use we become an example and stop being a crutch or a punching bag or someone to take from. We go from being the victim to the victor.

Ask yourself:

• What happens if I’m scared they’ll retaliate?
• What do you look for from others that you can give to yourself
• What do others look for from you?
• Does providing this to others help you?
• Does it hurt you?

Ask yourself:

• Watch how you spend your time
• What habits do you have
• Who do you hang around
• What media do you consume
  • Messages about yourself 
  • Other people
  • And the world do you expose yourself too
    • How Does it Make You Feel?
    • WHY?

Take action

‘And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.’ ` Anais Nin

Taking action is always the scariest part. We can prepare and prepare and prepare but until we take that risk of being seen heard witnessed whether it is sharing about our trauma, trusting someone with our love, or going after something we’ve always wanted to do the chance that it might not work out or that we will be rejected and retraumatized can seem daunting. Brain science shows that our experiences create neural pathways and when negative experiences impact our lives continuously our brain begins to become hardwired towards those negative experiences, how we’ve created them, and what they feel like, it tricks us into recreating them as a way to keep ourselves safe but it is precisely recreating and doing the same thing over again that keeps us stuck.

‘Insanity: Doing the same thing over expecting different results’ 

When we begin to make decisions that challenge how we’ve known things to be or how we’ve experienced life we give ourselves not only the opportunity to experience a new outcome and create new neural pathways but also a chance to observe how our decisions truly impact our life and learn from the situations and people around us.

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Jeff Spiteri

Jeff Spiteri is an author of the unpublished book ‘The Bridge Within’ a memoir chronicling his experiences as a homeless young adult riding freight trains around the United States and the childhood trauma he uncovered along the way. Jeff is proud to use his voice as an instrument of influence, guidance and impact with young adults and educators sharing his experiences and tools for resilience and healing.

www.thebridgewithin.com