Jamie Donmoyer | CPTSDfoundation.org

Did Therapy Make Things Worse? And Other Questions People Ask About Mental Health

Jamie Donmoyer — Tue, 13 Dec 2022 11:00:39 +0000

Since beginning intensive treatment for trauma, lots of questions have popped up. A natural curiosity emerges when someone suddenly changes course. So, while I explore the 4 W’s — who, what, when, where- people want to know WHY, especially:

Why NOW?

It’s a great question and one I’ve asked myself. Simply, I’d built a dam of unhealthy coping mechanisms that held back over 40 years of narcissistic abuse. It got too heavy, the dam broke, and now I’m swimming in trauma.

Maybe it’s the hormonal changes of aging. Maybe it’s because my mother finally listened and left my abusive father, leaving room for me to protect myself. Maybe it’s because I spent an entire year sucked back into my father’s narcissistic abuse as his physical and mental health steadily declined. Maybe it was the stress of an international pandemic, or maybe it was all of the above. In any case, there’s no rebuilding the dam, I just have to keep swimming.

Why did this come about so suddenly?

I see why people think this. I appear calm, relaxed, and in control, but I’ve been internally melting down ever since I was small. My therapist once told me “You tell me the most horrific things as calmly as if you’re reporting the weather.” As the scapegoat of a narcissistic parent, I had to mask my emotions in order to survive. My father created a mini cult, recruiting all surrounding adults (including my Mom) to reinforce that he was a great father and I was an attention-seeking liar. I knew the opposite was true, but everyone around me believed and reinforced the lie, so I learned to doubt myself.

I developed Complex PTSD from verbal, emotional, physical, financial, and sexual abuse, with no way to express or heal it. I’ve had both large and small breakdowns my entire life that I just coped around. These meltdowns created more shame and the trauma pile just kept growing.

Are you sorry you chose to go to therapy since it stirred up all of these issues?

It’s sort of like saying to a pregnant woman, “Are you sorry you went to the hospital since it caused you to go into labor.”

The misconception that it’s the therapy or the “thinking about it” that causes the pain, adds to the shame surrounding trauma. It keeps it from healing.

Instead of “what’s wrong?” or “Are you ok?” my parents would say “don’t get yourself all worked up,” “don’t be so dramatic,” or “think about something more pleasant” as if it was my actions that made my nervous system react. I learned my feelings were wrong and that abandoning them was “right.”

Like a baby, trauma won’t stay in forever. I’d suppressed it for so long, by the time my nervous system’s water broke it was an emergency. Luckily, I got to the hospital in time. I almost delivered that trauma in the parking lot!

Because I acted on my intuition to get help, when the really scary stuff finally surfaced, I was surrounded by mental health professionals who could safely guide me through it. They provided the cure, not the cause.

When will you return to normal?

Tricky. My “normal” was a mask that sat atop buried trauma. I could never be my authentic self because I was always surviving from moment to moment with fragmented traumatized parts of me jumping forward at inopportune times. I was able to experience joy, and have fun, but there was always an oppositional pull, a panic that any second I would be punished. The highs came with deep lows.

My “normal” days were spent vacillating between morning panic, grogginess, and unexplained injuries, worrying if people -even strangers- were mad at me, to worrying that I was “in trouble” at work.

I’m working on loosening my muscles and un-adrenalizing myself as I work through over 40 years of trauma. My “normal” is going to continue to change as I heal. My old “normal” was a thick mask, and that’s been shattered.

When will you be healed?

I don’t know. The more I learn, the more practiced I become at listening to my body. Knowledge is slowly replacing shame. Now I recognize emotional flashbacks and traumatized parts that I previously tried to suppress. I’ve made incredible progress over the past year and a half, and four decades of trauma are going to take a bit longer to heal. In the meantime, I’ll just keep recording the journey.

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Jamie Donmoyer

Creative storyteller and recovering scapegoat of a narcissistic parent, working through Complex PTSD one post at a time

Internal Family Systems: Panic at the Park- Discovering Trailheads to Heal Trauma

Jamie Donmoyer — Tue, 06 Dec 2022 10:39:28 +0000

Created in Canva by Jamie Donmoyer

Perched on a stone wall between Starbucks and a fancy purse boutique, I peer over my phone. The Hollywood Tower of Terror glows in the distance as determined parents push strollers filled with exhausted toddlers, bubble machines, and sippy cups. They can’t leave without riding “Mickey’s Runaway Railway!”

Buzz! Not the character, it’s my phone. Is my family done riding Rock ‘n Roller Coaster? Nope! It’s my email.

“Thank you for applying. Although your skills are impressive-“ No need to read on. This is the 10th rejection I’ve gotten in the past few months. I remind myself that it didn’t pay what I needed, that I was overqualified, and that I didn’t even want the job, but it’s too late. The buildings around me are already melting, my ears ring, and a cold, icy fear shoots through my body, tightening every muscle. You’re worthless, you’ve failed. Instant dissociation.

Made in Canva by Jamie Donmoyer

This extreme reaction to something that’s seemingly benign is brought to me by Complex PTSD. Externally, nothing happened. I glanced at my phone and looked away. Internally, I’m terrified, lost in an emotional flashback.

When a soldier responds to fireworks as if it’s gunfire, that makes sense to people, but an email rejection for a job you don’t even want, what’s the big deal?

How I wish I knew the answer. I’d love to brush it off. My nervous system just won’t let me. In the meantime, I fight to stay present as my head fills with static. Voices swirl in a tornado of criticism. Teachers, bosses, friends, and my parents.

My father’s covert narcissistic abuse created a family cult. He was the hero or victim and I was his scapegoat, labeled as a dramatic, attention-seeking liar. It was an upside-down world where emotions were dangerous. You never knew when the rage, silent treatment, or targeted attack would occur. I had a village of people telling me he was right and I was wrong.

Now, I clench my phone and shake as shame takes over. Snap out of it! You’re in “the most magical place on Earth.” Be happy! I’m on autopilot. Shaming my shame only makes things worse. What if my husband sees me like this? He always reminds me not to put all my eggs in one basket. Did I do that with this job? I must have! HIDE! HIDE! HIDE!

Anyone who knows my husband knows that he’s the last person anyone needs to hide from. He’s patient, kind, and understanding, but I’m scared of everyone and everything when I’m in a trauma response. My therapist says the rational part of my brain (prefrontal cortex) goes offline. It’s underdeveloped from years of child abuse. Brain scans of children who experience prolonged child abuse match those of children who grew up in war zones. Our fight-or-flight survival instinct is permanently switched on.

Now I’m in “fix-it” mode. I do my go-to helpful things. I text my sister, deep breathe, and write it out, but the panic is here to stay. How ironic that I didn’t ride the roller coaster because I’m working to un-adrenalize my nervous system, and now just because I read a few words, my ears are numb and have a heartbeat.

Awkwardly, I rejoin my family trying not to explode. Alternate nostril breathing, in…out…in…AH!!! By the time we reach the exit I confess, “I checked my email and I didn’t get the job and I’m having a big reaction to it.” I brace for shame. There’s no scolding, just understanding. By the time we reach the car I’m crying. Hard. An emotional release. That’s new.

Usually, I panic, shame myself for panicking, then get frustrated and shut down. Instead, I’m flooded with flashbacks. Deep hurts surface. I’m misunderstood. People don’t believe me. People don’t see me. People don’t like me.

It turns out that by confessing my shame instead of hiding it, my nervous system opened a portal to deep trauma called a “Trailhead.” Instead of popping up and disappearing, the trauma pops up and opens the door to the original wound. Fascinating.

Trailheads are part of the “Internal Family Systems Theory.” My therapist explained that in order to not melt down, my body protected itself by splitting off into traumatized parts. 3yr old, 5 yr old, 7 yr old Jamies, for example. The routes to these parts are heavily protected. I wrote about this evidence-based psychotherapy theory in a previous post:

EMDR Adventures: Community Room and Internal Family Systems

Not being able to access the trauma directly has been a huge obstacle to healing. Because I’ve suppressed my emotions for so long, my nervous system gets confused. I have big reactions to small things and small, or non-existent reactions to big things.

I rarely cry or feel sad when someone dies. I just feel numb. No detectable reaction. Trauma gets buried deep, hidden by protectors and it never heals. It just loops internally, constantly reliving the nightmare.

However, when something small happens, deeper feelings sneak past my nervous system’s guards creating a disproportionate reaction. It’s like the big trauma finds an escape route and runs as fast as it can until it gets caught and sent back. Because this extreme reaction has been labeled “dramatic” or “overreacting” for my whole life, I immediately experience paralyzing shame and hide/shut down. The shame is like an impenetrable roadblock but learning to identify and calm the shame allows me to break through. I can stay open long enough to follow the trailhead (emotional response) to the trauma itself. GAME CHANGER!

Shame blocks access to the trauma. The emotions attached to the trauma may squeeze through, but the trauma stays buried and unhealed.

Reframing the shame helps calm, and shrink it so that the trauma can reach my conscious mind. Instead of feeling afraid “for no reason” I realize where the fear comes from and it’s easier to heal.

Staying open is still hard to do and takes practice. When dissociation takes over, it’s hard to see reality, or even find your way back to peace. I rely on short sentences that I can repeat to myself. Now, when I have an extreme reaction to something small, I remind the shamed part:

“This is a trauma response. It’s not an overreaction. It’s a trailhead leading me to something bigger. All I have to do is listen.”

It relieves the judgment and lifts the shame. It may take a few hours, a week, a month even, but eventually, the trauma surfaces. Once I know what I’m actually dealing with, I’m able to work to heal it.

Of course, with complex trauma, there’s a lot to heal. One trauma is layered on another, so there’s still a bunch of work to do. I’m hopeful that eventually, my fight-or-flight survival instinct will no longer be permanently switched on. That I’ll have relief from the constant adrenaline, and be able to enjoy fast-paced rides without overloading my system. Discovering and recognizing trailheads is a huge step to healing. Soon it will be goodbye stone wall, hello Rock ‘n Roller Coaster!

Jamie Donmoyer

Creative storyteller and recovering scapegoat of a narcissistic parent, working through Complex PTSD one post at a time

SHHH! How Manipulative People Weaponize Silence in Toxic Relationships

Jamie Donmoyer — Thu, 24 Nov 2022 18:31:16 +0000

It’s been 24 hours since you’ve texted your Parent/Partner/Friend. No response. You:

A. Assume their battery is dead or phone is lost.

B. Call the police — Something’s wrong.

C. Panic at hour 1 – “What did I do?” “Why are they mad at me?” Then wait in the fetal position for their impending rage.

If you answered C, you’re likely in a toxic relationship.

Manipulative people want you trapped in CHAOS, to SELF-BLAME, TO APOLOGIZE, CHASE them, and FEEL LESSER THAN. Most of all, they want you SILENCED so you can’t blow their cover.

If you consistently find yourself thinking “Just tell me what I did wrong so I can fix it,” you may be a victim of manipulative silence.

MANIPULATIVE SILENCE is part of a subtle grooming process of fear and intimidation that grows over time. Remember, PREDATORS PREY on PRIVACY and POLITENESS. SILENCE is their greatest weapon.

Whether you’ve been ensnared by a manipulative partner, friend, co-worker, roommate, or relative, these tactics may look familiar:

SILENCE through SECRETS = ISOLATION

Manipulative people need to control the story. Separation is key. By isolating individuals they can play victim or hero, even pit people against each other without them ever interacting. They will:

Tell you a “secret” they want you to keep. Something simple but personal that draws you closer to them. The REAL secret is they’ve told multiple people different versions and asked them to keep quiet.
Say “it’s nobody’s business” or “this is a private matter” to stop you from talking about something that could expose them.
Accuse you of breaking their “trust” because you publicly shared something small. Manipulative people want you shamed and shushed. They invent accusations or make a big deal out of something simple you said to create confusion, guilt, and intimidation. “I can’t believe you told everyone I like coffee.” They’re grooming you to be afraid to speak about them to anyone.

SILENCE BETWEEN YOU AND FAMILY/FRIENDS/CO-WORKERS

Once they’ve groomed you not to talk ABOUT them, manipulative people want to stop you from talking TO anyone who might expose them. They further isolate you by infecting your relationships.

Point out things about your friends or family that they don’t like. This can be subtle “Did you ever notice how loud he talks?” They want you to choose between spending time with them or with your friends. They want to create a rift so you pull away from your friends and in return, your friends pull away from you.
Spread a rumor about YOU that offends others, including those close to you. This may include abuse of them, animals, or children. They’ll go to great lengths to set this up over time, using reactive abuse tactics in public, loudly accusing you of false things. “Why are you ALWAYS yelling at me?!” NOTE: This is meant to inform you about a manipulative tactic, not to minimize real abuse accusations.

SILENCE THROUGH CRITIQUE = SHAKEN CONFIDENCE

Manipulative people critique you in order to control your behavior. They want you to feel self-conscious, looking to earn their approval. People who respect and love you show appreciation. They LIKE who you are. Manipulative people want to CONTROL who you are.

They make jokes at your expense, critiquing the way you look, sound, smell and behave.
Convince you that people react negatively to your behaviors. This is often an unsolicited critique. “Didn’t you notice how bored everyone was while you were telling that story? You go on and on.” “No one thinks you’re funny, they just tolerate you.” Once the seed is planted, they may give you a “You’re doing it again” look, or set up a “signal word” that stops you from interacting in public.

SILENCE TO CONTROL THE CONVERSATION

Everyone struggles to find their words from time to time, but manipulative people purposely use long pauses to control a conversation. They want you hanging on their every word while you simultaneously feel shame for speaking. It’s like being in a 1940’s drama. “I can’t go on!” “But you must!”

They may:

Take big, deep breaths as if they’re going to speak
Slow their speech or create pauses between words “I…don’t know…how…to…say this.”
Control who can speak when. Silence you by saying “I’m not finished” or accuse you of interrupting. In a group, they may signal you to stop and point to someone else to speak.
Disengage: Stop mid-sentence to stare off or look at their phone

SILENCE TO CONTROL YOUR REACTION & COMMUNICATE DISAPPROVAL

Manipulative people never matured from “You aren’t doing what I want, so I’m not talking to you!” Unlike children, however, manipulative people aren’t so forthcoming. They want you to have just enough information to know it’s your fault so that you fill in the details and apologize to them. This may include:

Give you the silent treatment, informing an enabler who can drop hints of why they’re angry/insulted.
Telling you they need time to think with no timeline of when the silence will end. This puts them in a power position. They love to make you wait. It boosts their ego knowing that you’re thinking about them and punishes you at the same time. They won’t reach out until they’re sure you’ll be grateful. If you reach out first, they chastise you. BIG NOTE ON THIS: There are situations in which people need breaks from relationships or space to think. This is perfectly healthy. Leaving someone hanging is not. It’s disrespectful. Suggest that you touch base in a few days, a week, or in an established amount of time. You can always check in and extend that time.
Accusing you of silent behaviors They’re insulted by something non-specific that they observed about you. Rubbing your eyes “the wrong way”, standing too still, looking away, and wearing the wrong outfit. These are all punishable offenses to a manipulative person. You become scared to do anything, which is what they want.
Disappearing/Ghosting This isn’t “we went out on a date and now I’m not returning your calls.” This is an established relationship in which patterns of communication are suddenly cut off. They don’t return calls or texts. They don’t contact you on your birthday or special occasions. They intend to punish you with their silence so that you’ll come crawling to them with an apology. NOTE: Going no contact with a manipulative person may mean suddenly cutting them off. The difference is, that’s a healthy step taken to PROTECT yourself. The silent treatment is intended to PUNISH.

If you’re in a manipulative or toxic relationship, setting boundaries is key. Here’s a place to start.

Do I Have Toxic Parents? NARCISSISTIC ABUSE: Setting Boundaries – Choose Your Own Adventure

Have you experienced other types of manipulative silence? Share them in the comments.

Jamie Donmoyer

Creative storyteller and recovering scapegoat of a narcissistic parent, working through Complex PTSD one post at a time

EMDR Adventures: Community Room and Internal Family Systems

Jamie Donmoyer — Thu, 10 Nov 2022 10:23:49 +0000

“Breathe deeply.”

I close my eyes and belly breathe as my EMDR therapist scoots her chair closer. This is standard practice in our weekly sessions. Soon she’ll tell me to open my eyes, focus on a certain phrase or idea, and follow her finger left and right. Sometimes fast, sometimes slow. Crossing the brain hemispheres is supposed to help process and eventually heal trauma.

At first, my trauma wouldn’t budge from its hiding places. I don’t blame it. Covert narcissistic child abuse is no joke. From a young age, I was taught that emotions were dangerous and that I was to blame for some pretty scary stuff. That caused Complex PTSD, layers of trauma that constantly get re-traumatized. Basically, my fight or flight got permanently switched on so I’ve been in survival mode my whole life. It’s really challenging to undo.

The more I learn about INTERNAL FAMILY SYSTEMS, the more fascinated I become. My non-mental-health-professional understanding is:

In order to protect itself from melting down, my brain split into parts (trauma-splitting or fragmentation). I have 4yr old, 6 yr old, 12 yr old Jamies that hide separately, each with their own unprocessed trauma. These EXILES are deep-rooted and heavily protected.

When I first sought help I said “it feels like I have a Manager personality that allows me to do functional things, like grocery shopping while I’m having a panic attack.” It turns out I was right. The PROTECTORS are called MANAGERS and FIREFIGHTERS.

The MANAGERS help with functional things like sleeping, eating, interacting, and focusing on goals. They keep us in our heads to help us AVOID danger.

FIREFIGHTERS help when they think we ARE in danger. They send us signals through our bodies that distract us in order to help. They are also responsible for unhealthy behaviors like addiction.

6 months of weekly EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing) sessions showed me just how strong and prepared my protector parts are. I get sudden pangs of hunger, exhaustion, muscle cramps, tinnitus— anything my body can think of to keep me from accessing the trauma itself. When things get really bad, I can lose my ability to read, like my brain unplugging things so they don’t blow a fuse.

Still, there’s progress. I’m more aware of how my parts work and am even able to loosen some muscles. I just haven’t BEFRIENDED them, which I’m told is the key to healing. When I get frustrated, I picture my friend giving his mother CPR at Christmas, unable to revive her. If EMDR helped him heal that, it can help me.

Through trial and error, my therapist realized that I respond best to storytelling and visuals. My answers have slowly moved from “I don’t know” to more detailed information. Today we’re doing an activity called COMMUNITY ROOM.

“Just breathe. Picture a room…”

Picturing a room is good. It gives me a concrete image to start from. Without this detail, I get lost in racing thoughts. Overwhelmed. This used to happen when I was in school. I just needed one thing to focus on to be successful, which was not how the school worked.

“Let me know when you see the room”

After a few minutes…I see it!

“Open your eyes and follow my finger.”

Left right left right…

“Take a deep breath. What do you notice?”

A deep starvation burns from my throat to my sternum. I always eat before my sessions, because this firefighter constantly shows up. It helps me distinguish what it actually is. The hunger shows up at home too, which makes me overeat, often never feeling full. Then I feel shame and it sends more hunger. Oy!

“Ask the hunger how old it is.”

This is new. Usually, she just reminds me it’s a firefighter. Hmmm…breathe deeply, focus internally…how old are you?

8 jumps right up. Ok, 8 and…16.

“Ok, ask 8 and 16 if we can have permission to move forward.”

I ask and suddenly memories from those ages clog my brain at once.

“It’s ok, put those in the container. Tell them we’ll get to them later.”

In our first sessions together I created an imagined container to put distracting thoughts. We use this a lot and I use it at home. Accepting and managing instead of denying. Denying is what makes things worse.

“Ok, do we have permission to move forward?”

Yes. The hunger instantly disappears. It still boggles my mind how all of this works. I’m talking to my younger parts and they’re answering?!

“Now, invite all of your parts to join you in the room.”

Between eye movements, I close my eyes, breathe deeply and invite my parts. They’re reluctant. I’m not surprised. We’ve previously been able to access my parts for just a few seconds. Then they suddenly turn to demons and attack me.

“Let them know they don’t have to do anything but show up.”

Instant relief rushes through my body. I hadn’t even realized how tense my shoulders were until she said that. They loosened immediately and parts started showing up! The really young ones first, 4, 6. Then some of the older, 11, 12, 13. Then a block.

9 or 10 doesn’t feel safe. I can feel their fear.

“Ask them what they need.”

A blanket and a chair to hide under.

“Give them a blanket and a chair.”

I imagine a blanket and a chair. The part scurries underneath

Whoa! 16 is angry, hostile. Like tiny little stabs in my brain.

“Ask 16 what they need.”

To get the FUCK out of here (16’s words). They’re furious. Stomping, arms crossed. Standoffish.

“What does she need in order to do that?”

A car. I imagine a car. She gets in and takes off. I don’t blame her. 16 was filled with traumatic experiences. It was the age I fully realized that my father was not a parent and that he meant me harm.

My parts fill the room now, sitting around a giant table drinking chocolate milk and water. Why? I’m not sure. They’re joyful, the way my theme park co-workers and I were when management brought cake. It’s a real “characters love cake” vibe.

I see myself sitting at a giant drawing table watching all of the parts enjoying themselves. From the tips of my fingers, across my shoulders and all the way down my other arm are soldiers standing guard, tall spears in their hands and helmets on their heads. That makes sense since those muscles are constantly tight.

We spend some time in the room exploring who’s in attendance. Processing a few emotions with eye movement and deep breaths, our hour is up.

“When you’re ready, open your eyes and return to the room.”

Done.

“Really great work today. For homework, I’d like you to draw the Community Room”

No problem. It’s so vivid in my head. Ta-dah!

After 6 months of weekly sessions, we finally accessed my parts AND they agreed to come together, which is the ultimate goal. We’ll use this room in future sessions to strengthen their bond and begin to heal the actual trauma. Looking forward to being a cohesive team instead of a body of fragmented parts. Let the befriending begin!

Jamie Donmoyer

Creative storyteller and recovering scapegoat of a narcissistic parent, working through Complex PTSD one post at a time

Going No Contact? Here’s the Letter You Need to Write

Jamie Donmoyer — Thu, 20 Oct 2022 09:48:59 +0000

Photo by Towfiqu barbhuiya on Unsplash

Congratulations! You’ve decided that you’re through being abused by a toxic parent, partner, or friend and are ready to go No Contact. Good for you! You’re taking a HUGE, healthy step!

Your first urge? To explain why. You want to deliver that one last message that details every wrong. How you’re at the end of your rope. How you’ve told them over and over to stop their toxic behavior. How nothing has changed so you need to make the change. Maybe you think they’ll stop harassing you if they know you won’t respond. Maybe part of you hopes that raising the stakes will prompt an apology or better yet, changed behavior. Maybe you just “need them to know.”

Beware. YOU’RE BODY’S TRICKING YOU!

TRAUMA BOND is chemical. An addiction to the adrenaline rush occurs when your fight-or-flight survival instinct is engaged. If the abuser is also your caretaker, a hormone develops that confuses abuse for love.

As with any addiction, your body goes through withdrawal. It tries to convince you to do unhealthy things, like sending a letter.

TIP: Just like a smoker chews gum to quit, have a list of healthy alternative activities you enjoy for when symptoms emerge, such as journaling, gaming, walking, crafting, reading, yoga, or simply breathing deeply.

But, How Will They Know I’ve Gone No Contact if I Don’t Tell Them?

The same way they know everything else. By your actions. Manipulative people memorize what you SAY to weaponize against you later. They watch what you DO to adjust their control tactics.

By having a “final” conversation or sending them a letter with all of your wounds exposed, you’re doing three things — no, one of them isn’t giving the silent treatment. That punishes. No Contact protects:

Confirming that they are important and influential in your life. That they have power over you
Providing your bully instructions on how to further bully you
Warning them to assemble their army of enablers and flying monkeys. Relatives, friends, and co-workers who’ve been groomed to pity your abuser try to persuade you to return with phrases like “But he’s your…” “I’ve never seen her be…” “They love you so much.” “You’re breaking their heart.”

So, What Do I Do?

Go ahead, write a letter. JUST DON’T SEND IT TO YOUR ABUSER. That will only prolong the abuse as you worry and wonder if they’ve received it. Instead, write as much detail as you desire, and get everything out. Draw pictures, and do multiple drafts. Write whatever you need to write.

Then, take a break from it. A day, a week. Participate in healthy activities. You may even choose to stick your letter in an envelope and mail it to yourself.

After your break, re-read your letter and write a response that contains the apologies you deserve. Address each detail. This is hard and SO worth it. If you’re struggling, try writing how you think they’ll respond, then write the opposite. For example:

Dear Jamie,

~~I received your “letter”~~. I read your letter thoroughly. H~~ow dare you speak to me that way.~~ I’m so glad that you felt comfortable telling me the things I’ve done that have hurt you. ~~You know that I’ve had a hard life~~. I have no excuses for my behavior. Y~~ou’re always accusing me of ruining your life, but have you ever stopped to think how you ruin mine?~~ I am selfish and I purposely hurt you to control you. ~~Accusing me of hijacking your wedding is absurd.~~ I know now that your wedding wasn’t about me. I was jealous of the attention you got and behaved terribly.

I~~f you want to behave selfishly and turn your back on me, so be it.~~ I understand why you don’t want me in your life. I know that I treat you terribly. ~~You’re only punishing your children.~~ You’re protecting your children from my abusive behavior. I ~~would never do this to you.~~ I constantly reject you and turn my back on you. ~~When you come to your senses, you know where to find me.~~ I’m sorry that I hurt you so badly that you need to remove me from your life. That’s not what a parent is supposed to do. ~~I will never stop loving you~~ I will never stop manipulating you. You are wise to get away.

~~Goodbye forever~~, Love,

~~Dad~~ Your Abuser

These letters were never for them, they’re for you. You’ve given them enough of your time.

Then What?

Congratulate yourself and Ask for help. Find a trauma-informed therapist, support group, or trusted friend/relative to talk to. You can use both letters as a blueprint of issues to address. The sooner you remove the toxic people from your life, the sooner you can start healing and surrounding yourself with people who treat you with love and respect. You’re making difficult, important, healthy choices and you’re doing great!

Need more tips for going No Contact with a Toxic Parent? Check out the links below!

Going “No Contact” With Toxic Parents| Choose Your Own Adventure

Tips for Going “No Contact” with a Toxic Parent

Jamie Donmoyer

Creative storyteller and recovering scapegoat of a narcissistic parent, working through Complex PTSD one post at a time

Do I Have Toxic Parents? NARCISSISTIC ABUSE: Setting Boundaries – Choose Your Own Adventure

Jamie Donmoyer — Mon, 03 Oct 2022 09:35:26 +0000

Parental Narcissistic Abuse isn’t fun, but practicing setting boundaries can be with this “Choose Your Own Adventure”- style original story. Based on events experienced by the scapegoat of a narcissistic parent.

Photo by Thought Catalog on Unsplash

Section 1

1 It’s a beautiful Sunday afternoon. You relax in your comfiest chair, cradling your favorite book. A cool, calming breeze flows through the open windows, gently tussling your hair as you reach for the perfectly prepared steamy beverage beside you.

If you drink tea, scroll to section 2

If you drink coffee, scroll to section 3

Section 2

As you sip your tea, your cat weaves through your legs and then leaps onto the chair, nudging the book with his nose. When you don’t immediately respond, he paws his way between you and the book, placing his rear end in your face. Amused, you mark your page then stroke his fur as he curls into your lap, falling quickly into a purring slumber. It’s a perfect day.

Buzz. Buzz. As you reach for the vibrating phone on the table beside you, your cat startles, then returns to his slumber. A familiar image flashes on the screen. Your parents are calling.

If you are happy, or even excited to talk to your parents scroll to section 4.

If the sight of your parents’ number fills you with cold panic and fear, scroll to section 5.

Section 3

As you sip your coffee, your dog bounds in, dropping his squeaky toy at your feet. He stares at you intently, his tail wagging in anticipation. When you don’t immediately respond, he whimpers, then nudges your arm. Amused, you mark your page, then delight in his joy as he watches the toy sail through the air, dashing to retrieve it. Plop, sail, dash, repeat. It’s a perfect day.

Buzz. Buzz. As you reach for the vibrating phone on the table beside you, your dog finds a sunny spot, circles three times, then plops down, toy wheezing softly in his mouth. A familiar image flashes on the screen. Your parents are calling.

If you are happy, or even excited to talk to your parents scroll to section 4.

If the sight of your parents’ number fills you with cold panic and fear, scroll to section 5.

Section 4

You answer the phone with a big smile. Your parents are “just checking in.” You chat a bit.

If the conversation is easy, they ask about you, really listen without trying to persuade you to do anything, and you hang up feeling loved and heard, scroll to Section 6

If the conversation starts out easy, but they only talk about themselves, then find a way to criticize you disguised as a joke, or persuade you to do something for them, and you hang up feeling empty, anxious, hyper, or confused, scroll to Section 7.

Section 5

You stare at the screen, hand slightly shaking. The joy, peace, and calm have been replaced by fear and dread. The phone continues buzzing. You feel obligated to answer but are unsure of what might be waiting for you on the other end. As your thumb reluctantly reaches for talk, the phone slips from your hand. You missed the call.

If you stare into space, your heart racing, and wait to see how long it takes for “New Voicemail” to pop up, scroll to section 8.

If you panic and call them back right away, scroll to section 9.

Section 6

Congratulations! It appears that you have a healthy relationship with your parents.

If you’d like to understand a narcissistic parent/child relationship, scroll to section 5.

Section 7

A healthy parent/child relationship includes love, support, respect, and trust. A Narcissist parent replaces these with control, manipulation, intimidation, and lies. Your nervous system is reacting to past trauma. Even when the conversation appears pleasant, your body knows that you are in potential danger. That if you say or do “the wrong thing” you could be punished.

If you’re ready to draw a healthy boundary for yourself click the link below:

Tips for Going “No Contact” with a Toxic Parent
The positives and pitfalls of cutting communication with a toxic parent. From the scapegoat of a narcissist parent.medium.com

Section 8

|The Flight Response| You can’t sit with your racing thoughts any longer, so you jump up and head outside. You pace on the sidewalk, then choose a direction to walk. You fake a smile, and a friendly hello to neighbors you pass while your mind attacks you with all of the things that you could have done wrong, all of the things your parents could be angry about.

After what seems like miles of walking, you look up and realize that even though you’re in your neighborhood, things look slightly unfamiliar. Dissociation. Is it left or right to get home? You reach in your pocket. Oh no! Your phone! You attempt to retrace your steps. In a full panic now, you finally find your way back.

You breathe a sigh of relief when you find your phone on the floor where you left it, but the panic quickly returns. 20 missed calls. 5 new voicemails. All from your parents.

Anger, confusion, boundary violation. You’ve asked them many times to call once and leave a message, but they never listen. They’ve obsessively called during important meetings, doctor’s appointments, and special events so you permanently leave it on silent. They don’t respect your boundaries

Anger fades to panic. What if it’s an emergency? It never is, but maybe. As you stare at your phone, they call again.

If you answer, scroll to section 10.

If you let it go to voicemail scroll to section 11.

Section 9

|Fight Response|You call your parents and apologize for missing their call. They just want to “check-in,” a.k.a. gossip about the local person who is “pregnant out of wedlock.” Then to “the real reason they called.” They found a sale on flights this morning and have concocted a plan to travel with you, your partner, and your child across the country, leave you somewhere and take the rest of the trip with only your child (who they’ve been grossly irresponsible with before). They need your driver’s license number to sign you up for the trip.

While they’re giving you the sales pitch, you look around, noticing all of the imperfections in your once peaceful house. The chair in the corner. Your desk. When they were brand new, your parents broke both of them. A result of temper and impatience during a visit. The stack of mail with ads from mailing lists they signed you up for and credit cards they opened and then defaulted in your name. Both are done without your permission or knowledge. Your head swirls. You don’t want to go anywhere with them, but frustration quickly melts into fear.

If you say no to the trip, scroll to section 12. Otherwise, scroll to section 13.

Section 10

You answer the phone. Is it an emergency? No. They just want to “check-in,” a.k.a. gossip about the local person who is “pregnant out of wedlock.” You remind them of your boundary, 1 call, 1 message and they blow past it because they have something really important to talk to you about. They found a sale on flights this morning and have concocted a plan to travel with you, your partner, and your child across the country, leave you somewhere and take the rest of the trip with only your child (who they’ve been grossly irresponsible with before). They need your driver’s license number to sign you up for the trip.

While they’re giving you the sales pitch, you look around your house which was so peaceful earlier. Now you notice all of the imperfections. The chair in the corner. Your desk. Both were broken by your parents when they were brand new. A result of temper and impatience during a visit. The stack of mail with ads from mailing lists they signed you up for and credit cards they opened and then defaulted in your name. Both are done without your permission or knowledge. Your head swirls. You don’t want to go anywhere with them, but frustration quickly melts into fear.

If you say no to the trip, scroll to section 12. Otherwise, scroll to section 13.

Section 11

You throw the phone on the chair and go to the kitchen for a snack. You feel empty, not hungry, but you need a distraction. You absentmindedly eat chip after chip, trying not to check your phone. Reading has become impossible. With each Buzz of your phone, you grow more and more anxious. Buzz. Buzz. Buzz. Buzz AAAAAHHHH! I’m doing something wrong! I’m in trouble! They’re mad at me!

You gather all of your strength. Doing your best not to look at it, you shakily shut off your phone, but the narcissist abuse has already taken over. Everything aches. I’m doing something wrong! I’m bad! Everybody hates me!

There’s a knock at your door. Your parents found your neighbor on Facebook and messaged them to check to make sure you’re ok. Oh, maybe they just wanted to talk to me. They care. Hope!

You turn your phone back on and are hit with a slew of messages. They got a great deal on a trip and want to take you, your partner, and your child, then continue the trip with just your child. You’ve told them repeatedly that they can’t be alone with your child (they’ve been grossly irresponsible, putting your child in danger in the past). Then:

HELLO?!,

You think you’re so important that you can’t even call your own parents back. Call us immediately!

How dare you ignore us! We have very time sensitive information!

You could put aside your hatred for us for one minute, but instead you’re selfish. You won’t be hearing from us again!

ANSWER US!

We’re worried for your safety. The least you can do is call us back.

You are a terrible child!

You think you can keep us from our GRANDCHILD? Think again!

Your Aunt calls, worried for your safety. When you tell her you’re fine, she asks why you are so mean to your parents. You try to explain, to defend yourself, but no one listens. They’re all defenders (flying monkeys) of the narcissists who “love you so much.” You’re afraid to leave your phone, you’re afraid to answer your phone. You’re afraid.

Meanwhile, you haven’t even spoken to your parents. They’ve concocted all of this in their heads. You aren’t allowed to be busy. You aren’t allowed to miss a call. You aren’t allowed to do anything but be at their beck and call. So much for your relaxing day of reading.

To practice going “no contact” with your parents click the story below:

Going “No Contact” With Toxic Parents| Choose Your Own Adventure
Practice breaking contact with toxic parents in this “Choose Your Own Adventure”-style story. Based on events

For TIPS on going “no contact” click the link below

Tips for Going “No Contact” with a Toxic Parent
The positives and pitfalls of cutting communication with a toxic parent. From the scapegoat of a narcissist parent.

If you’re afraid to “keep your child from her grandparents” scroll to… Just Click the links above. It’s time. They will treat your child poorly, just as they have treated you. You need to protect yourself and your family with strong boundaries. YOU CAN DO THIS!

Section 12

You say no to the trip. They push back. “We’re not going to be around forever” “We’re your only parents.” Still no. Accusations begin “Here we doing this nice thing, you’re always so ungrateful. You treat us like dirt.” No. They bargain “What if we only go here, here, and here.”

You explode. You have a job. Your child has school. They scold you like a child “Watch your tone!” Then they focus on the details to pick apart your argument. They can move it to when school’s out. Suddenly you’re wrapped up in details of a trip you don’t want to take. You draw a strong boundary. No. We’re not going.

Your parents say “then there’s nothing left to say,” and hang up without saying goodbye. They haven’t asked you a single thing about you or your life during this “check-in.” They never do.

You’re already shaking, so you listen to the voicemails to get it over with. The first one is cheery with a little edge of urgency to it at the end. The second has a lot of exasperated sighs. The third has venom. “You think you’re so important that you can’t even call your own parents back. Call us immediately!” Fourth, “How dare you ignore us! We have very time-sensitive information!” Fifth “You could put aside your hatred for us for one minute, but instead, you’re selfish. You won’t be hearing from us again!”

As you listen, your muscles tighten. Your stomach’s in knots. Trauma response from childhood abuse. You’ve done something wrong. You’ve angered them. You’re a bad person. Angry text messages arrive at a furious pace. Your Aunt calls to ask why you are so mean to your parents. You try to explain, to defend yourself, but no one is listening. They are all defenders (flying monkeys) of the narcissists who “love you so much.” You’re afraid to leave your phone, you’re afraid to answer your phone. You’re afraid.

Your partner returns with your child, frantic. They’ve been trying to reach you. It’s dark out. You turned off your phone, and have been staring at the wall for 3 hours. Your parents called your partner, first, to try to persuade, then under the guise that they were “worried that they hadn’t heard from you.” You say you’re fine, but you’re clearly not. So much for a relaxing day of reading.

To practice going “no contact” with your parents click the story below:

Going “No Contact” With Toxic Parents| Choose Your Own Adventure
Practice breaking contact with toxic parents in this “Choose Your Own Adventure”-style story. Based on events…

For TIPS on going “no contact” click the link below

Tips for Going “No Contact” with a Toxic Parent
The positives and pitfalls of cutting communication with a toxic parent. From the scapegoat of a narcissist parent.

Section 13

You don’t want to go on this trip. It’s unrealistic and another grandiose spur-of-the-moment idea, but you fear what happens when you say no, so you throw out some excuses. You have a job. Your child has school. They bargain. They’ll schedule when school is out, take your child, alone, and you can join when you have off.

You remind them of the boundary that your child doesn’t go anywhere alone with them (they have been grossly irresponsible with your child in the past). They push back “what do you think we’ll do? We’re her grandparents. You can’t keep OUR grandchild from us.” You stand strong and say you have to be there when your child is there. They tell you to pick dates. Panicked that they’ll try to take your child, you give them several dates, but say you have to check with your partner.

Having gotten what they want, they get off the phone. They haven’t asked you a single thing about you or your life during this “check-in.” They never do.

Under the narc abuse spell, you text your partner with urgency, explaining the situation and asking which dates will work. Your parents are already sending you pictures from a friend’s trip (ah, that’s where the spur-of-the-moment idea came from). Your partner recognizes that you aren’t thinking clearly and pushes back, carefully mentioning the disasters from previous trips with your parents. Your partner suggests you tell them no.

Panic, fear, urgency. Your parents text asking what your partner said. You text back that your partner said no, they start with guilt “We’re not going to be around forever” and “We’re your only parents.” It escalates to phone calls and texts with accusations. “Here we do this nice thing and you throw it in our face. You’re always so ungrateful. You treat us like dirt.” Phone call after phone call they get angrier and more abusive.

Your partner comes home with your child and is annoyed. Your parents have been texting them too. Panic! Fear! Danger! You feel caught between two worlds. Everything’s your fault. I’m bad. Everybody’s mad at me. I do everything wrong. These are the words your parents raised you on. I mess everything up! I’m in trouble!

Your relaxing day of reading turned into a complete anxiety meltdown. All instigated by one phone call.

To practice going “no contact” with your parents click the story below:

Going “No Contact” With Toxic Parents| Choose Your Own Adventure
Practice breaking contact with toxic parents in this “Choose Your Own Adventure”-style story. Based on events…

For TIPS on going “no contact” click the link below

Tips for Going “No Contact” with a Toxic Parent
The positives and pitfalls of cutting communication with a toxic parent. From the scapegoat of a narcissist parent.

If you’re afraid to “keep your child from her grandparents” scroll to… Just Click the links above. It’s time. They will treat your child poorly, just as they have treated you. You need to protect yourself and your family with strong boundaries. YOU CAN DO THIS!

Jamie Donmoyer

Creative storyteller and recovering scapegoat of a narcissistic parent, working through Complex PTSD one post at a time

Tips for Going “No Contact” with a Toxic Parent

Jamie Donmoyer — Wed, 24 Aug 2022 15:07:08 +0000

The positives and pitfalls of cutting communication with a toxic parent. Written by the scapegoat child of a narcissistic parent.

So, you’ve decided to go “no contact” with a toxic parent. Congratulations! Maybe you’re exhausted from the angry messages, controlling behavior, and stalking. Maybe your own child is being subjected to the abuse you received. Whatever the reason, this is a pivotal moment where you stop accepting abuse and draw a healthy boundary to protect yourself.

WHAT IS “NO CONTACT”?

There are several techniques for dealing with toxic parents. You may cycle through all three. Each method is challenging and takes practice.

Gray Rock — Still in contact with toxic parents, but interactions are impersonal. Hello/Goodbye, no details about your life. Neutral/bland.
Low Contact — Rare contact with toxic parents. Maybe you interact, see or speak to them a few times per year.
No Contact —No contact with your toxic parents. You don’t interact, see or speak to them at all. This could last for a year, or the rest of your life.

WHAT ARE TOXIC PARENTS?

Toxic parents aren’t parents. They’re abusers in parent clothing (technically, their behavior is toxic). They don’t love, guide, support or protect their children. They control, manipulate, intimidate and use their children for personal gain. Like cult leaders, they weave a complex pattern of lies and intimidation to manufacture a world in which they’re the hero or victim. In doing so, they build an army of defenders:

ENABLERS’ inaction allows the abuse to continue. Co-parents often take this role “You shouldn’t have…you know that makes him angry.”
FLYING MONKEYS do the abuser’s dirty work. They blame the victim or seek information to report back to the toxic parent.

Abuse from toxic parents can be so covert that it goes unnoticed. They isolate their children by convincing teachers, relatives, doctors, and even the co-parent, that their child is crazy, then gaslight their child into believing it too. This minimizes the threat of the abuse being reported.

The good news is, that their manipulative patterns and behaviors are the same as other toxic parents, so you can benefit from fellow abuse survivors’ experiences.

Not sure if you have a toxic parent? Click the link below for a fun way to tell:

TOXIC/NARCISSISTIC ABUSE- Setting Boundaries | Choose your Own Adventure

Ready to go No Contact? Check out the tips below.

Image created in Canva by @narcissistquilt

1. You Don’t Need to Explain Why. They Know Why. They Don’t Respect or Listen to You.

This is the number one thing I see people struggle with. You feel that you need to explain why, or at least inform them that you’re going no contact. How else will they understand?

My therapist reminded me that I’d spent a lifetime explaining and trying to get my parent to see me, to no avail. Eventually, I realized that I was teaching my bully how to bully me. The truth is, going no contact isn’t about your parents. It’s about you and your needs. They’ll never change, understand, or accept blame. They don’t believe that your needs are important. They only want to control you.

If you feel compelled to write a letter, write it. Organizing your thoughts on the page can be really helpful. Just DON’T SEND IT. You’ll end up waiting for a response, postponing your own healing.

Image created in Canva by @narcissistquilt

2. No Contact Sets a Healthy Boundary. It’s NOT the Silent Treatment.

If your parents used silence as punishment, you may view it as something negative, something to fear. Silence isn’t good or bad. It’s how it’s used that makes the difference. Giving your child the silent treatment is emotional abandonment. It’s abuse, purposely inflicted to gain control over a child.

When you go no contact, you’re not looking to punish anyone. You are doing what your parents wouldn’t. You’re protecting yourself from further abuse.

Image created in Canva by @narcissistquilt

3. Remove tracking from your devices. Block your toxic parents’ email, phone, and social media. CHANGE YOUR PASSWORDS.

Become your own superhero! Form a big protective bubble around you by blocking all digital forms of communication, removing tracking from your devices, and changing your passwords. As parents realize that they’re yelling into a void, they’ll adjust their tactics. They want the reaction, positive or negative.

PARENTAL “WORRY” They may show up unexpectedly at your home or your job and feign concern for your well-being to a neighbor or co-worker.
LOVE BOMBING Abusers try to lure back their targets by sending gifts and “I love you/miss you/I’m sorry” messages. Have they changed? No. Do they understand that they hurt you? Yes, and they don’t care. As soon as they have your attention back, they will be up to their old tricks.

Document these instances, date/time/location. Save voicemails, videos, and screenshots of texts in an evidence folder in case you need to file an order of protection.

Image created in Canva by @narcissistquilt

4. Prepare simple statements for encountering enablers, flying monkeys, and your abuser.

People who didn’t experience narcissistic abuse, or toxic parenting have no frame of reference for just how bad it can be. You may find yourself doing a lot of unnecessary explaining. Some come with curiosity, some with judgment. Both can be triggering. Preparing simple statements, the way an official would prepare for a press conference can help get the point across and keep you focused on why you are in no contact.

The abuser may use enablers or flying monkeys to send messages and intimidation. This can be jarring. Your Aunt Sally may think she’s “saving the family” when really she’s part of the abuse. Setting boundaries is essential. Communicate what is and isn’t acceptable for you to have a relationship. Make the statement simple and easy to repeat. It may take a few times for them to understand. You may need to gray rock or go low or have no contact with those who continue to ignore your boundaries.

Image created in Canva by @narcissistquilt

5. TRAUMA BOND confuses abuse for love-causing GUILT, SHAME, & LONGING. It’s chemical, NOT FAILURE.

Trauma Bond (a.k.a. Stockholm Syndrome) is one of the largest obstacles to drawing healthy boundaries in a toxic relationship. When abusers alternate between punishing then consoling a child, it creates an unhealthy attachment. Your fight or flight emergency response locks in the “on” position and you become addicted to the dopamine, cortisol, and adrenaline rush. If you’re struggling with going no contact, you’re not weak. You’re going through physical withdrawal.

Just like anyone who is chemically dependent, you experience mental and physical symptoms that are out of your control. These can feel torturous and come in the form of guilt and shame. You’re body tricks you into remembering the manufactured version of your parent, not the truth. “My parent bought me one of my favorite toys as a kid. They’re not so bad.” You forget that they held the cost of the toy over your head, hid it from you when they were mad, and then ultimately destroyed it in a rage.

Abusers only want you to remember the parts that make them look good. When you widen the lens and remember what became before and after, you realize why you feel hurt and confused. It may help to write a cheat sheet of the entire story for when the guilt and longing try to take over.

Image created in Canva by @narcissistquilt

6. Threats aren’t facts. Be informed. Research your rights.

Toxic parents know what you will or won’t accept. They deftly play the line so that you’ll believe their lies. Threats of suing for “grandparents’ rights” or having you locked away may instill paralyzing fear. That’s the abuser’s plan, for you to be too afraid to leave them or even research the truth.

Abusers lie. Get the facts. Research credible sources online, and call law professionals. Some lawyers will give a free consultation. It never hurts to ask. It CAN hurt you if you DON’T know your rights.

Visit the CPTSD Foundation’s page linked below for a list of legal resources

Click here for Legal Resources

Image created in Canva by @narcissistquilt

7. Adjust as you go. You’re figuring it out, not failing.

You may break no contact due to a birthday, respond to a love bomb, or give in to the guilt of trauma bond only to feel that you’ve been duped again. That’s ok. You just re-establish your boundaries. People often beat up on themselves for being foolish. You’ve been through enough. Be kind to yourself. Let go of perfection and allow yourself to make mistakes.

Image created in Canva by @narcissistquilt

7. Get Support. Trauma-informed therapists & medication can make your transition more manageable.

“Anything that’s human is mentionable, and anything that is mentionable can be more manageable. When we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary. The people we trust with that important talk can help us know that we are not alone.”

Thanks, Mr. Rogers.

Going no contact is a big change. Children of toxic parents become so used to hiding, that it may be hard for you to reach out to trusted friends or family. DO IT ANYWAY. People may surprise you with stories of their own. There’s a natural grieving process and you’re going to need support.

ASK THERAPISTS IF THEY ARE TRAUMA INFORMED Not every mental health professional is trauma informed. If they encourage you to try to continue a relationship with a toxic parent, they may not be the right fit. Would they encourage someone to return to a cult?
MEDICATION There’s a stigma about medication. My therapist gave a great explanation. When you break your arm, you get something for the pain so that you don’t go into shock. Getting the right meds can take a few tries, but may ultimately soften the pain enough to allow you to function.
TELL YOUR STORY You’ve been trained to protect the abuser, so you’re holding all sorts of trauma in your body. Find a release outlet such as writing or talking with a trusted friend. Don’t be ashamed of grief. Mr. Rogers believed
SUPPORT GROUPS Online support groups have been immensely helpful. I see so much of my experience in what others share.

8. It Gets Better. Taking brave, positive action is HARD and WORTH IT.

Toxic parents groom their children into believing that any action they take for themselves is selfish. They only want you to do for them. That’s why this transition may feel unnatural, even wrong at first. BE SELFISH! Give yourself what you need. You may feel defensive, ashamed, or angry. Write out why you feel this way. What are your fears?

As you continue no contact, you may realize just how much of the abuse existed, and also, that it wasn’t your fault. You may find a new sense of peace from ordinary things, such as simply not having to worry about harassing messages. I call these “little freedoms.” Over time, you’ll reframe a lot of the abuse. People have described it as turning on a light. You see so much more.

Just go one step at a time, expect setbacks, lean into grief, and remember that YOU’RE WORTH IT!!!

Want to practice going no contact?

CLICK HERE to participate in “Going No Contact with Toxic Parents | Choose Your Own Adventure.”

Jamie Donmoyer

Creative storyteller and recovering scapegoat of a narcissistic parent, working through Complex PTSD one post at a time

Going “No Contact” With Toxic Parents| Choose Your Own Adventure

Jamie Donmoyer — Tue, 16 Aug 2022 17:02:53 +0000

Practice breaking contact with toxic parents in this

“Choose Your Own Adventure”-style story.

Based on events experienced by the child of a narcissistic parent.

Photo by Kevin Butz on Unsplash

CONGRATULATIONS! After a lifetime of narcissistic abuse, you’ve decided to draw a healthy boundary by going “No Contact” with your parents. Of course, going “No Contact” feels anything but healthy because the fear they instilled in you from birth caused a TRAUMA BOND.

TRAUMA BOND (often referred to as Stockholm Syndrome). When your abuser is also the one who consoles you and provides your basic needs, a hormone develops that confuses abuse for love.

You’ve become addicted to the adrenaline, dopamine, and cortisol dumps of being in constant fight or flight survival mode. You’re convinced that you must warn your parents that you are blocking them from your life. Otherwise, how will they know? Your entire life, they’ve punished you by giving you the silent treatment. They’ll think that’s what you’re doing. Is that what you’re doing? Are you just like them? No, you’re not.

Going NO CONTACT isn’t the silent treatment. You’re not PUNISHING your parents, you’re PROTECTING yourself by setting a healthy boundary.

Your therapist reminds you that you’ve been telling them for years how you feel with no change. You’ve written letters, had long conversations, arguments. They never listen or respect your boundaries. Your therapist suggests writing a letter that you don’t send to help release your feelings.

If you follow the therapist’s advice, scroll to section 2

If you contact your parents, scroll to section 3

Section 2

You write an eloquent letter explaining the difficulty of your decision and why you can no longer be in contact with your parents. It’s painful, cathartic, and really scary. You put the letter away and begin the process of blocking all communication via phone, text, social media, and email. You remove all tracking from your devices and you change your passwords.

TRAUMA BOND chemical withdrawal is strong. Just like drug and alcohol dependency, your body is in detox. With a lifetime of trauma stored in your muscles, a brain that grew around trauma, and Complex PTSD symptoms that cause physical and emotional flashbacks, panic sets in. You crave the familiar, almost missing your parents. Was the abuse really that bad?

BING! Your voicemails are full. As you erase pharmacy reminders and car warranty ads, you notice a “blocked messages” category on your phone. It has more than 30 messages from your parents.

If you erase the messages without listening, scroll to section 4

If you listen to the messages, scroll to section 5

Section 3

You write an eloquent letter explaining the difficulty of your decision and why you can no longer be in contact with your parents. It’s painful, cathartic, and really scary. You send the letter to your parents via email and text then wait in panic for their response. They won’t understand, that I’m bad, I’m disrespectful, I’m hateful.

Minutes then hours tick by as you check and double-check your phone and email. Why aren’t they responding? You finally fall asleep and wake in the morning to an icy, venomous response. You can’t reject them. They reject you. You don’t want to see them, FINE, but they have Grandparent’s rights. They write their list of demands including being able to see your child, taking back any gifts they gave you, and they write you a bill for the money it cost to raise you.

You begin bargaining in your mind. How will you meet their demands?! What are Grandparent’s rights? Can they take your child?

You promised yourself that you wouldn’t respond, no matter what, so you begin the process of blocking all communication via phone, text, social media, and email.

The TRAUMA BOND chemical withdrawal is strong. Just like drug and alcohol dependency, your body is detoxing. With a lifetime of trauma stored in your muscles, a brain that grew around trauma, and Complex PTSD physical and emotional flashbacks, panic sets in. You crave the familiar. You almost miss your parents. Was the abuse really that bad?

BING! Your voicemails are full. As you erase pharmacy reminders and car warranty ads, you notice a “blocked messages” category on your phone. It has more than 30 messages from your parents.

If you erase the messages without listening, scroll to section 4

If you listen to the messages, scroll to section 5

________________________________________________________________________________

Section 4

Setting Healthy Boundaries with Flying Monkeys You take a deep breath and hit “delete all.” Your phone wants to know if you’re sure. No. Yes. No. YES! Deleted. You feel sick to your stomach, but you know you’d feel worse if you heard what they had to say.

Over the next few weeks, “flying monkeys” appear. Aunts, cousins, friends of your parents, and even siblings contact you out of the blue. Some are curious. Why won’t you talk to your parents? They love you so much. Some are venomous. You are ungrateful. You are breaking their hearts. You begin to decipher who you can trust, and who is caught up in the toxic narcissistic mess.

If you respond to flying monkeys with a simple statement, scroll to section 6

If you explain your parents’ wrongdoing to the flying monkeys, scroll to section 7

___________________________________________________________________________________________

Section 5

With trembling hands, you listen to the first message. Just hearing your parents’ voices sends a cold panic through your nervous system. You haven’t missed this feeling. Each message is like a punch to the face. They start the same as always “Just checking in, call me back immediately” then they escalate as usual, tearing into who you are as a person, blaming you for every problem, then threatening to take away your child and have you declared incompetent.

Trauma response. Racing thoughts, panic, fear. Reality and fantasy combine as one. What if they show up at my house? What if they try to take my child from school? What if my partner leaves and I have to move back in with my parents? Can they have me declared incompetent?

Then fury. I’m their child, how can they treat me this way? You want to call them and tell them everything they’ve done wrong. You pull out your phone.

If you research your legal rights go to section 8

If you call your parents and yell at them, go to section 9

_________________________________________________________________________________________

Section 6

You decide that the “gray rock” technique works best with the flying monkeys. Keeping interactions simple and clear with as little emotion as possible. You avoid sharing personal details and address the issue directly. You reply to each flying monkey with a prepared statement:

I’m prioritizing the health and safety of myself and my family, which includes no contact with my parents. I realize that my actions may be confusing to you, but there are factors at play that you may not be aware of. You and I have a relationship that’s independent of my parents. I’d love for us to focus on that relationship. I realize that my parents may try to send me messages through you. I ask that you remove yourself from the middle by not accepting or relaying these messages.

You’re proud that you’re drawing a healthy boundary and nervous that not everyone will understand. You get mostly positive responses. You share your reasons with the people you trust and they become a support system for you. Some try to make excuses such as “your parents had hard childhoods.” You’ve heard this before. Your childhood was also hard. That’s why this protection is necessary. There are a few people who lash out saying things like “you don’t turn your back on family.” You realize that they are not healthy people for you to be around and limit contact.

Life becomes more peaceful and routine. You’ve read several books and are sleeping better. When your parents make new accounts to try to contact you, you simply block them.

An invitation to your cousin’s wedding arrives. At first, you feel the cold panic. Your parents will be there as well as the relatives who are mostly flying monkeys. You stop, and think “what is this panic I’m feeling?”

After some reflection, you realize that you feel you “should” go because it’s family, but you don’t want to.

If you decide to decline the invite scroll to section 10

If you decide to attend the wedding scroll to section 11

______________________________________________________________

Section 7

You’re frustrated that people are defending your parents but aren’t defending you, so you respond with details of the narcissistic abuse, asking “how can you defend them?” Your Aunt responds with “Your parents always said you were good at making up stories.” Soon more flying monkeys emerge and you find yourself engaged in a fight. Your nervous system is in full fight or flight mode and it’s affecting your sleep. You stress about what people are saying or thinking about you and you feel completely misunderstood.

Your therapist helps you realize that you are still engaging in the abuse. Not only are your parents sending messages through these flying monkeys, but you are playing right into the story that you are the one who is unhinged or crazy. You realize that you need to draw stronger boundaries and limit contact with those who are toxic.

Scroll to Section 6.

Section 8

Once you find out the facts about your legal rights regarding your child and yourself you feel much better. Even though you know your parents lie and exaggerate, somehow they always know how to panic you into believing them. Now you feel prepared.

You realize that it’s time to delete the blocked messages because they are filled with lies. Scroll to section 4.

Section 9

As the phone rings, you grow more furious. How dare they treat you this way! They answer coldly and it stops you at first. The panic of “I’m doing something wrong” is soon overridden by anger. You tell them all of the reasons you’ve blocked them. They scold you for speaking to them this way. They tell you they’re recording this conversation and will use this as evidence of your erratic behavior. You panic and hang up.

You scold yourself. How could I be so careless? Now I’m going to lose everything. You realize that you’ve taught your parents that all they need to do is fill up your voicemail, and you’ll call them back.

Your partner walks in and finds you shaking. You share everything that was said. The two of you decide it’s time to look up your legal rights. Scroll to section 8.

Section 10

You realize that your “should” is based in fear. What will people think of me? I’ll be punished if I don’t go. But punished how? You’ve drawn strong boundaries and protected yourself. You suddenly realize that as an adult, you have a choice. You decline the wedding invite

Throughout the healing process, you’ve been experiencing grief, usually the result of wishing. I wish I had supportive parents, but I don’t. I wish I didn’t have to block them, but I do.

On your birthday you feel nostalgic. Trauma bond takes hold and your mind drifts to the fun and traditions you had on birthdays. Your dad singing Happy Birthday like Elvis, your Mom chiming in for the last few notes. You question, was life really that bad with my parents? How sad they must be trying to reach me. You almost unblock them, but you stay strong.

After dinner and cake, the doorbell rings. Your child rushes to the window and “It’s Grandad!” and before you can stop her, she opens the door and jumps on him for a hug. When he sees you, he acts as if he’s in a 50’s TV show “There’s my birthday baby.” When you don’t budge he suddenly becomes dizzy and “must sit down.”

Your partner brings him water while you’re frozen in the corner. He works up some tears and says how sorry he is that it’s come to this. If you can’t get past your petty hatred for him, then do it for your mother. You stammer out that it’s time for him to leave, and you see the familiar “how dare you to speak to me” look on his face. He quickly hides it when he sees your partner and says “I’m still feeling so faint. I need a few minutes. Get me a piece of cake, would ya?”

You leave the room. He’s not getting cake. You suddenly remember how birthdays really were. A day of torturous photo ops. If you did not pose and smile just the right way you’d be punished. Fury replaces fear. You rush into the living room to confront him, but when you get there, your child is sitting on his lap. “So do you want to come to Grandad’s and play on our new slide?” “Yeah!” Says your child emphatically. Tricky, old man.

The guilt settles in. Your child has been asking about your parents. You’ve explained that “Grandma and Grandad make bad choices and you or your partner need to be there to protect them.” You don’t want to deprive your child of their grandparents, so you talk to your partner.

If your child WON’T see your parents, scroll to section 12

If your child WILL see your parents, scroll to section 13

Section 11

The familiar faces of your extended family swim in your head and you’re overtaken by the idea of disappointing them. You have to go. They’re expecting you, but you don’t want to! You reluctantly reply YES.

In the days leading up to the wedding, you’re a ball of nerves. You imagine every scenario and how you’ll defend yourself. On the day of the wedding, your partner gets a migraine. The feeling of obligation is so strong, that it doesn’t even occur to you that you can stay home. You’re almost mad at your spouse for not feeling well and leaving you alone to face the lion’s den.

During the ceremony, you manage to sit in the back, but you’re assigned to sit with your parents at the reception. You decide to hang out at the bar instead. When you congratulate your cousin, she pulls you aside and says “It’s my day. Can you please, just make up with your parents? For me?” Flabbergasted, you stare at her when suddenly your Aunt grabs your arm and pulls you to your parent’s table for a “family photo.” She insists you sit next to them and smile. Then she traps you in your chair and tries to play mediator as your parents play the victim. “All we’ve ever done is love you.” It’s your nightmare.

If only you could go back in time and make a different decision…wait! You can. Scroll to section 10

Section 12

You and your partner agree that there’s no way your child is going to your parent’s house, especially after they threatened legal action. As you’re shooing your father out the door, he hands you a birthday card with a check and says “We’ll never stop loving you.” You keep the card, but destroy the check without depositing. You can just hear “you can take our money but you can’t bother to talk to us.”

For the next few weeks, your parents send balloons, gifts, and candy, all with “We love and miss you and will never stop trying.” You’re confused. Are they sorry? Are they changing?

The guilt creeps back in. Are you making a mistake keeping your child from them? During tuck-in time your child says “thanks for not making me go over to Grandma and Grandad’s house.” You’re confused

“Didn’t you want to go over there?”

“No. I just didn’t want to hurt his feelings. They’re always trying to take my picture but never let me just have fun. I don’t like the way they talk to each other, and I don’t like the way they talk about you.”

Just then your friend texts you a picture of your parents’ social media. It’s pictures of your front porch with all of the gifts they’ve been sending captioned “In our family, birthdays last all month. Having too much fun with our grandchild to take any photos.”

You suddenly realize nothing is as it seems. The gifts were the Love Bombing tactic to get you to return to their abuse. You aren’t keeping your child from them. You’re protecting your family and yourself, and you’re doing a great job.

Ready to go NO CONTACT with a toxic parent?

Click HERE for “Tips for Going NO CONTACT with a Toxic Parent”

Section 13

Your partner brings your child over to your parent’s house a few times over the next month. The “new slide” it turns out, is not at their house, but at a park that is driving distance away. Your parents keep trying to convince your partner to let them take your child alone.

One day, your partner’s car breaks down on the way to your parents’ house. You drive over to help, and when you get there your parents are waiting with your partner. Your child is crying about having to go potty. You’re only 2 miles from their house, so you agree to let your parents take your child to use the bathroom while you and your partner deal with the car.

When you get there a short time later, no one is home. They’re not answering their phones. Frantic, you drive to the park, nothing. Your partner waits at the house in case they come back. You go to the zoo, the ice cream shop, anywhere you think they’ll be. Finally, your partner calls. They’re home.

You rush to find your child, sopping wet and covered in tears. Your parents have angry scowls. “The kid wanted to go swimming, and then complained about being cold.” It’s not swimming weather and your child doesn’t have a bathing suit. You wrap your child in a coat, put your family in the car and drive away.

When you get home, your child gives you a big hug and says “Thank you for saving me. I made Grandma and Grandad really mad.” Horrified, you say “No you didn’t. They were already mad, they just took it out on you,” and you realize that’s also what they were doing to you, and the real grief begins.

Ready to go NO CONTACT with a toxic parent?

Click HERE for “Tips for Going NO CONTACT with a Toxic Parent”

Jamie Donmoyer

Creative storyteller and recovering scapegoat of a narcissistic parent, working through Complex PTSD one post at a time

EMDR Therapy: Re-Parenting My Inner Child

Jamie Donmoyer — Tue, 14 Jun 2022 09:55:04 +0000

In August 2021 I began EMDR therapy for Complex PTSD. It became quickly apparent that my body had set up so many protections that it would need to be prepped before the therapy could deal with any of the trauma. Here, I take you through one of my homework assignments: Re-parenting the Inner Child.

Deep breathe, put your hand over your heart and tell your inner child “I am here for you and only you. What do you have to tell me?”

Nothing clears my mind faster than trying to focus on any thought. Whether participating in this activity or if someone asks me to make a decision based on infinite possibilities. You know, like “what do you want for dinner?”

The more I do this activity the easier it will be to connect, but I have to admit, at first it seemed kind of ridiculous. Talk to my inner child? Will it really talk back? With specifics? How could this be?

Of course, my inner child has been trying to talk my whole life and my body has been shutting it down. A coping/protection mechanism. It certainly busted through in July with some earth-shattering info, why am I so skeptical of it now?

Maybe because I’ve been trying to distance myself since a pretty severe and extended flashback. Trying to take back control of my body by one of my old tricks: avoidance.

But if I want to heal, I have to face the trauma, skeptical or not. My muscles are particularly tight tonight (trapped trauma I’m told). My therapist often asks “if your shoulder blade could talk, what would it say?” I’m not sure, so I deep breathe, put my hand on my heart thank extraneous thoughts for coming in, then send them away so I can think more deeply.

“How old are you?” I’m supposed to ask my body this question. How in the world will it- wait, a number is actually appearing. 13. Suddenly I have a slot machine of flashing images rolling past my mind. School, a boy who had a crush on friend, friend, friend, friend I got it!

In 8th grade, I had a best friend who had an eating disorder. She was very open about it, writing poems, and reporting what she had or hadn’t eaten that day. I was very concerned, and the co-dependent part of me that always wanted to save people kicked in high gear. I’d try bringing her low-calorie food, asking her just to take a bite. She’d eat lettuce because she’d heard that it burns more calories to chew it, than you consume.

I was coming off the loss of two best friends who had both moved out of state. I’m talking about the kind of friends whose houses you sleep at more than your own, who get you on a level that no one ever has before.

One moved at the end of 6th grade, the other at the end of 7th. I started junior high in 8th grade feeling like I was starting over. I was in the gifted program which had me with a lot of the same kids for my core classes.

I don’t remember how, but this new friend (let’s call her Mabel) and I became super close. She was admired by a lot of the boys. This was a common place for me to be, the bestie of the object of others’ affection, not just people who had crushes, but people who wanted to be friends with that person.

This would lead to a lot of misunderstandings on my part, thinking certain people wanted to be friends with me, when they were really trying to get close to my friend. It also led to people trying to sabotage our friendship, spreading rumors/lies about me, and trying to make me an outcast. This has continued into my adulthood. I’ve been able to spot it quicker, but it doesn’t necessarily make the behavior stop. What can I say? I can pick a winner.

Back to age 13, Mabel, and her eating disorder. We were standing by the lockers on the way to lunch when I started panicking because she was talking about how she’d passed out because she wasn’t eating that day. I started pleading with her “Please! Eat something!” Getting hysterical. She got mad at me for making a scene and walked away.

Our English teacher, Mr. Romano, heard the commotion and pulled me into the classroom. Great, another “Jamie trying to help, gets in trouble for making a scene.”

But that’s not what happened. This perhaps 60-year-old man who, I kind of feared because of his strictness, sat me down with tears in his eyes.

“It’s terrible to watch someone you love slowly kill themselves when there’s nothing you can do,” he said. “My daughter is a beautiful, intelligent girl, but she thought of herself as a shit.”

Did my English teacher just say shit? Uncomfortable Jamie’s coping mechanism engaged with a little smiley laugh. Then he repeated it.

“She thought of herself as a shit.” He went on to try to console me that what was happening was out of my control (out of my control? My nightmare!). I really appreciated what he was trying to do and for sharing his personal life. I don’t remember what I said or how it ended, and I don’t remember us speaking of it again.

Mabel’s dad hit her. She talked about it often. He berated her, called her fat, and tore her room apart. Her mother was disabled and said she felt trapped because he was the one who made the money. I had to save her.

I devised a plan. I was carrying so much weight, I needed help shouldering it. I had asked many times to see a therapist but even after I ran away from home the year before, no help was provided. I had no idea at the time that I too was in an abusive household led by a narcissistic father.

Mabel’s problems seemed more obvious than mine. All fathers tell you how fat and ugly you are right? Everyone changes with your back against your bedroom door so your dad doesn’t spy on you, and of course, dads tell you what a bad person you are and that you need to be better. Didn’t Danny Tanner just tell DJ she needed to be a better friend on Full House? Of course, DJ had actually done something that Danny could point to, whereas my dad seemed to create imagined reasons, but I’m sure I must have done something wrong.

Mabel’s dad seemed to attack unprovoked, from what she said, but when my dad hit me it was my fault. He told me so, and my Mom never intervened. Certainly, she would speak against it if it was abuse. She’s a teacher.

This is my 13-year-old mindset. I was in charge of saving everyone. My parents didn’t understand the dangers of life until I taught it to them. My sister wasn’t safe from my father, so I had to be on guard for her, and step in (still not recognizing abuse, just an intuition).

Mabel had a therapist. She called her by her first name: Alice. “I have to see Alice today.” Alice was the key! If I could get in front of Alice, she would be able to help Mabel and maybe listen to some of my problems. Surely if she knew that Mabel was being abused she could do something. Mabel must not be explaining it right, but I could.

“Mabel,” I said. “Tell your mom that Alice asked to see me as your friend, to get another perspective.” I was relentless, wearing her down until I got the yes, just as I’d seen my father do an umpteen number of times. I needed to see a therapist, the load was too heavy.

It worked. Mabel’s mom picked us up from school and I went up the office staircase to Alice’s office. She seemed confused as to why I was there. I’m here to help Mabel, silly…and maybe you will look into my eyes and see that I need my own appointment. Maybe you’ll call my Mom and tell her.

We stayed for the awkward hour, I was throwing things in there about Mabel that Mabel would shut down. She was so open about her issues, why wasn’t she in here? I tried to talk about some of my issues, but it seemed to fall on deaf ears.

Then, the appointment was over. Mabel still had to live with her abusive father, there was no phone call to my Mom to make me Alice’s new client. I’d failed, and worse, in pursuit of my goal, I’d been devious about it. I really did need to be a better person.

This is a burden I’ve carried, literally on my shoulders, in tight muscular knots for 30 years. I was devious = I was bad. Worse, I failed everyone.

But that’s what 13-year-old me thinks. Adult me knows better. I will be the parent I needed then.

13-year-old Jamie, you were very brave. You identified a problem, several in fact, and searched for a solution. At your age, your resources are limited, especially since you are not getting help from home. Those adults are supposed to be looking out for you, not the other way around.

But I lied! I convinced Mabel to lie! I’m so selfish!

You tried to give yourself what you needed in the only way you knew how. You didn’t trick someone into giving you money or fancy things. You tricked someone into giving you THERAPY! What you see as deviousness was a cry for help that went unheard.

I still tricked someone! Just like my dad does. He’s always lying to talk people into things they don’t want to do.

I understand that you feel bad about being devious, but it’s time to let that guilt go. You were dealing with an emergency. You are not a liar like your father. You are nothing like your father. You don’t know this yet, but he is a monster and you are his scapegoat. You were right to go for help in any way you could. I’m so sorry no one helped. That’s got to be so scary. You’re very clever to use the limited resources in front of you. You’re a survivor. You were right and they were wrong. I’m here now, I’m an adult and I will protect you.

Slowly open your eyes, come back to the room, Jamie.

Hmmm..parentified child. That’s been coming up a lot lately. They were supposed to take care of me, not the other way around. I didn’t fail. They did. 9-year-old Jamie has a lot to say about this, and so does 6-year-old Jamie.

9 year old- The reason you remember where the car was parked and the worry you felt at purchasing a souvenir on your first trip to Disney, but don’t remember actually going into the park or fun, child things is because you were parentified. Boom!

6-year-old- You reported something horrible that your father was doing. Someone should have protected you. It wasn’t your job to teach adults about bad touch. They already knew that. You were powerless to stop it as a child.

You are all survivors! None of this is your fault! I believe in you!

I guess it is possible to talk to your inner child. Muscles are still cramped, but less so than before. Let the healing begin!

Jamie Donmoyer

Creative storyteller and recovering scapegoat of a narcissistic parent, working through Complex PTSD one post at a time

Grieving a Narcissist Parent: “I Was Dying and You Were Getting a Massage”

Jamie Donmoyer — Tue, 31 May 2022 18:22:11 +0000

This article was previously posted on Medium.com 9/6/2021*

Sunday, August 15th 2021. It has been two days since my first EMDR session. Two days since the flashback that caused immediate fear instead of anger (progress!). Two days of aftershocks and focusing on the victory of getting in touch with my emotions.

I’d spent the previous day writing about my EMDR experience, sending funny birthday messages to a friend, and practicing letting invisible light into my body to release the trauma stored tightly in my muscles. The therapist explained that over the years my body set up protections that may restrict the light’s movement. I’m supposed to pay attention to that. The light still only travels behind my head to my shoulders, but that’s progress for me. Goodbye neck knots. I’m not sure we’ve ever been apart, but I won’t miss you.

I start my morning with a body scan meditation, listening as Jon Kabat- Zinn instructs me to send energy from one hand to another (that BOGO Masterclass subscription is really paying off). There are still tight trauma muscles throughout my body, especially my ribs, so the deep breaths are a bit restricted. I just keep trying to listen to the messages my body is trying to tell me as instructed by my therapist. Remember, Jamie, you don’t have to be perfect at this. If you haven’t figured out how to send energy into your right toe, this takes practice. You’re doing fine. Ugh, my ribs! I can’t wait until my massage today!

1:50pm My daughter is lost in creative land, giggling to herself as she films and edits a video. I duck my head into her room. “Daddy’s at work until 6. Heading to my massage. I’ll be back around 3:30.”

This is my third massage attempt since I started intensive therapy for trauma and Complex PTSD last month (30 days in a partial hospitalization at a mental health facility after my emotions shut down). In the previous massage session, as he’d loosen a muscle it would tighten right back up. It’s crazy how physical trauma really is. The tightening, the involuntary muscle movement, I’ve had it my whole life. Tension headaches, nausea. I just didn’t know it was trauma.

I grew up athletic, swimming in the summer, soccer in the fall, and softball in the spring. I was running, stretching, and conditioning, but my injuries were never sports-related. I blamed my back troubles on being chesty but sprained ankles would appear overnight. When I got into my 20’s and 30’s, I started tearing tendons in my sleep. Doctors had no answers, they just told me to stretch and sent me to physical therapy.

Today, in the tiny room above a karate dojo, I place my masked face into the little hole on the massage table. My watch and phone are tucked in my purse to eliminate distraction. As I inhale the lavender oil and listen to the Yanni-like music, I’m proud of all of the work that I’ve done over the past month. Body! Guess what?! I can feel my emotions! You can relax and release! My massage guy knows I’d rather puke from temporary pain than be left with tight muscles so he digs in deep (yes, I have a massage guy. I found him 2 years ago and he is the best). Bruise me up! I’ll ice down later.)

This time when muscles are released, they stay that way. Phew! Despite yoga, stretching, and chiropractic adjustments, I have been a solid block for months. My ribs are still a little sore, but overall my investment is well spent.

I float to my car and make the 2-minute drive to my house ready to hydrate and flush out those toxins. As I pull into my driveway I slide my watch onto my wrist. Buzz! Missed call from my sister, she must have been driving. Buzz! Text from my childhood friend.

3:09pm “My Mom just let me know that your dad passed away.” Huh? My husband pulls up next to me in the driveway. What’s he doing home?

“I think my dad died,” I tell him. He nods. My sister called him when she couldn’t reach me. My Mom had been with my friends’ parents when she got the call.

Other than gratitude for my husband coming home early, I feel nothing. My cheekbones start to twitch. It’s not an actual smile, more of a Joker-like facial expression that I have no control over. It reminds me of the false smile I put on hundreds of times over the years to mask the pain. Cheekbones up so no one will know. Only this time it’s involuntary.

Should I sit, should I stand? I’m filled with adrenaline but have no real place to put it. My husband’s ready to catch whatever comes up, but there’s nothing. I guess I should tell people what happened? Yes! Assignment mode. Inform the public. Text friends, and family and put something on Facebook. But what will I say? Why is my face still twitching? Where are the tears?

My husband and I go into my daughter’s room. She’s had my dad blocked for over a year because he was harassing her. She’s usually quick to tears, but like me, when she hears the news she really doesn’t feel anything. She has her own trauma from his erratic behavior. In the coming days her grief will come out in strange ways, but for now, she’s numb.

My mind races, settling into familiar questions: What should I feel? Where’s the relief? The tears? Jamie, who are you kidding? You almost never feel emotion when it’s appropriate. Just give yourself space. Remember what your therapist said, “don’t try to figure out what it is, just feel it.”

Since starting intensive therapy last month for Complex PTSD, I’ve discovered so many horrifying things about my childhood and who my father was, that I suppose I’ve already been in a grieving process. Maybe I have grief fatigue.

Suddenly, my father’s angry voice breaks through the nothing in my mind:

“I was dying and you were getting a massage.”

Ah, even in death the familiar sentiment remains. Guilt. Whatever you’re doing is wrong if it isn’t completely focused on my needs. My muscles seize from tailbone to cranium. Thanks, trauma. I guess we’ll feel emotions another day.

Jamie Donmoyer

Creative storyteller and recovering scapegoat of a narcissistic parent, working through Complex PTSD one post at a time