The positives and pitfalls of cutting communication with a toxic parent. Written by the scapegoat child of a narcissistic parent.
So, you’ve decided to go “no contact” with a toxic parent. Congratulations! Maybe you’re exhausted from the angry messages, controlling behavior, and stalking. Maybe your own child is being subjected to the abuse you received. Whatever the reason, this is a pivotal moment where you stop accepting abuse and draw a healthy boundary to protect yourself.
WHAT IS “NO CONTACT”?
There are several techniques for dealing with toxic parents. You may cycle through all three. Each method is challenging and takes practice.
- Gray Rock — Still in contact with toxic parents, but interactions are impersonal. Hello/Goodbye, no details about your life. Neutral/bland.
- Low Contact — Rare contact with toxic parents. Maybe you interact, see or speak to them a few times per year.
- No Contact —No contact with your toxic parents. You don’t interact, see or speak to them at all. This could last for a year, or the rest of your life.
WHAT ARE TOXIC PARENTS?
Toxic parents aren’t parents. They’re abusers in parent clothing (technically, their behavior is toxic). They don’t love, guide, support or protect their children. They control, manipulate, intimidate and use their children for personal gain. Like cult leaders, they weave a complex pattern of lies and intimidation to manufacture a world in which they’re the hero or victim. In doing so, they build an army of defenders:
- ENABLERS’ inaction allows the abuse to continue. Co-parents often take this role “You shouldn’t have…you know that makes him angry.”
- FLYING MONKEYS do the abuser’s dirty work. They blame the victim or seek information to report back to the toxic parent.
Abuse from toxic parents can be so covert that it goes unnoticed. They isolate their children by convincing teachers, relatives, doctors, and even the co-parent, that their child is crazy, then gaslight their child into believing it too. This minimizes the threat of the abuse being reported.
The good news is, that their manipulative patterns and behaviors are the same as other toxic parents, so you can benefit from fellow abuse survivors’ experiences.
Not sure if you have a toxic parent? Click the link below for a fun way to tell:
TOXIC/NARCISSISTIC ABUSE- Setting Boundaries | Choose your Own Adventure
Ready to go No Contact? Check out the tips below.
1. You Don’t Need to Explain Why. They Know Why. They Don’t Respect or Listen to You.
This is the number one thing I see people struggle with. You feel that you need to explain why, or at least inform them that you’re going no contact. How else will they understand?
My therapist reminded me that I’d spent a lifetime explaining and trying to get my parent to see me, to no avail. Eventually, I realized that I was teaching my bully how to bully me. The truth is, going no contact isn’t about your parents. It’s about you and your needs. They’ll never change, understand, or accept blame. They don’t believe that your needs are important. They only want to control you.
If you feel compelled to write a letter, write it. Organizing your thoughts on the page can be really helpful. Just DON’T SEND IT. You’ll end up waiting for a response, postponing your own healing.
2. No Contact Sets a Healthy Boundary. It’s NOT the Silent Treatment.
If your parents used silence as punishment, you may view it as something negative, something to fear. Silence isn’t good or bad. It’s how it’s used that makes the difference. Giving your child the silent treatment is emotional abandonment. It’s abuse, purposely inflicted to gain control over a child.
When you go no contact, you’re not looking to punish anyone. You are doing what your parents wouldn’t. You’re protecting yourself from further abuse.
3. Remove tracking from your devices. Block your toxic parents’ email, phone, and social media. CHANGE YOUR PASSWORDS.
Become your own superhero! Form a big protective bubble around you by blocking all digital forms of communication, removing tracking from your devices, and changing your passwords. As parents realize that they’re yelling into a void, they’ll adjust their tactics. They want the reaction, positive or negative.
- PARENTAL “WORRY” They may show up unexpectedly at your home or your job and feign concern for your well-being to a neighbor or co-worker.
- LOVE BOMBING Abusers try to lure back their targets by sending gifts and “I love you/miss you/I’m sorry” messages. Have they changed? No. Do they understand that they hurt you? Yes, and they don’t care. As soon as they have your attention back, they will be up to their old tricks.
Document these instances, date/time/location. Save voicemails, videos, and screenshots of texts in an evidence folder in case you need to file an order of protection.
4. Prepare simple statements for encountering enablers, flying monkeys, and your abuser.
People who didn’t experience narcissistic abuse, or toxic parenting have no frame of reference for just how bad it can be. You may find yourself doing a lot of unnecessary explaining. Some come with curiosity, some with judgment. Both can be triggering. Preparing simple statements, the way an official would prepare for a press conference can help get the point across and keep you focused on why you are in no contact.
The abuser may use enablers or flying monkeys to send messages and intimidation. This can be jarring. Your Aunt Sally may think she’s “saving the family” when really she’s part of the abuse. Setting boundaries is essential. Communicate what is and isn’t acceptable for you to have a relationship. Make the statement simple and easy to repeat. It may take a few times for them to understand. You may need to gray rock or go low or have no contact with those who continue to ignore your boundaries.
5. TRAUMA BOND confuses abuse for love-causing GUILT, SHAME, & LONGING. It’s chemical, NOT FAILURE.
Trauma Bond (a.k.a. Stockholm Syndrome) is one of the largest obstacles to drawing healthy boundaries in a toxic relationship. When abusers alternate between punishing then consoling a child, it creates an unhealthy attachment. Your fight or flight emergency response locks in the “on” position and you become addicted to the dopamine, cortisol, and adrenaline rush. If you’re struggling with going no contact, you’re not weak. You’re going through physical withdrawal.
Just like anyone who is chemically dependent, you experience mental and physical symptoms that are out of your control. These can feel torturous and come in the form of guilt and shame. You’re body tricks you into remembering the manufactured version of your parent, not the truth. “My parent bought me one of my favorite toys as a kid. They’re not so bad.” You forget that they held the cost of the toy over your head, hid it from you when they were mad, and then ultimately destroyed it in a rage.
Abusers only want you to remember the parts that make them look good. When you widen the lens and remember what became before and after, you realize why you feel hurt and confused. It may help to write a cheat sheet of the entire story for when the guilt and longing try to take over.
6. Threats aren’t facts. Be informed. Research your rights.
Toxic parents know what you will or won’t accept. They deftly play the line so that you’ll believe their lies. Threats of suing for “grandparents’ rights” or having you locked away may instill paralyzing fear. That’s the abuser’s plan, for you to be too afraid to leave them or even research the truth.
Abusers lie. Get the facts. Research credible sources online, and call law professionals. Some lawyers will give a free consultation. It never hurts to ask. It CAN hurt you if you DON’T know your rights.
Visit the CPTSD Foundation’s page linked below for a list of legal resources
7. Adjust as you go. You’re figuring it out, not failing.
You may break no contact due to a birthday, respond to a love bomb, or give in to the guilt of trauma bond only to feel that you’ve been duped again. That’s ok. You just re-establish your boundaries. People often beat up on themselves for being foolish. You’ve been through enough. Be kind to yourself. Let go of perfection and allow yourself to make mistakes.
7. Get Support. Trauma-informed therapists & medication can make your transition more manageable.
“Anything that’s human is mentionable, and anything that is mentionable can be more manageable. When we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary. The people we trust with that important talk can help us know that we are not alone.”
Thanks, Mr. Rogers.
Going no contact is a big change. Children of toxic parents become so used to hiding, that it may be hard for you to reach out to trusted friends or family. DO IT ANYWAY. People may surprise you with stories of their own. There’s a natural grieving process and you’re going to need support.
- ASK THERAPISTS IF THEY ARE TRAUMA INFORMED Not every mental health professional is trauma informed. If they encourage you to try to continue a relationship with a toxic parent, they may not be the right fit. Would they encourage someone to return to a cult?
- MEDICATION There’s a stigma about medication. My therapist gave a great explanation. When you break your arm, you get something for the pain so that you don’t go into shock. Getting the right meds can take a few tries, but may ultimately soften the pain enough to allow you to function.
- TELL YOUR STORY You’ve been trained to protect the abuser, so you’re holding all sorts of trauma in your body. Find a release outlet such as writing or talking with a trusted friend. Don’t be ashamed of grief. Mr. Rogers believed
- SUPPORT GROUPS Online support groups have been immensely helpful. I see so much of my experience in what others share.
8. It Gets Better. Taking brave, positive action is HARD and WORTH IT.
Toxic parents groom their children into believing that any action they take for themselves is selfish. They only want you to do for them. That’s why this transition may feel unnatural, even wrong at first. BE SELFISH! Give yourself what you need. You may feel defensive, ashamed, or angry. Write out why you feel this way. What are your fears?
As you continue no contact, you may realize just how much of the abuse existed, and also, that it wasn’t your fault. You may find a new sense of peace from ordinary things, such as simply not having to worry about harassing messages. I call these “little freedoms.” Over time, you’ll reframe a lot of the abuse. People have described it as turning on a light. You see so much more.
Just go one step at a time, expect setbacks, lean into grief, and remember that YOU’RE WORTH IT!!!
Want to practice going no contact?
CLICK HERE to participate in “Going No Contact with Toxic Parents | Choose Your Own Adventure.”
Creative storyteller and recovering scapegoat of a narcissistic parent, working through Complex PTSD one post at a time
This is good. There is so much bad information from supposedly trained therapists. I went no contact 20 years ago. They’re both dead now. Before it had a name. This covers most of what I learned over the years.
A couple of points.
Trauma informed is meaningless. They could have just taken a course. Find a therapist who suffered trauma.
If you go on the pills make a plan to come off the pills or you’re just kicking the can down the road.
Excellent presentation! This has got to be the most brilliant article and direction for ending toxic parental relationships. The content description, graphics, and tone – all serve to guide, nurture and promote the adult child survivor to empowerment.
Usually, with the right information, & support, children of NPD parents can be empowered to a much healthier, supportive lifestyle.
Yes, abusers lie, intimidate, and rule with fear, especially if they have a personality disorder.
I am definitely sharing your fantastic article – with my utmost gratitude 🙏
-Dr. Rivka
Thank you so much for this article. I have been searching for articles online a lot lately to help me with no contact and to process all the feelings that come with it. This article, by far, was one of the best. I particularly loved the part about them filling up your voice messages because that is exactly what I am going through right now! My narcissistic mother has been leaving me “seemingly friendly” voicemails everyday for the past week. When I play them, I get bothered and creeped out instantly. Mostly because she is pretending to be “sweet and caring,” when in reality, she never ever talks this way in real life! The person she is pretending to be on the voice message is not who she really is. She thinks I’ll fall for it. What makes it even more disgusting is that she’s playing a mind game – she thinks she’s playing it smart by only being kind and caring in these recorded messages – But I see right through it. She is probably thinking that if I ever show these messages to authorities or even a stranger, no one will raise a red flag. It feels scary too – the fact that she is willing to play nice on a voice message, but behind closed doors, she is threatening to kill you or get you locked up in a mental institution. I shall stay strong though!
Thank you, Jamie. This is one of the most helpful and kind things I have read for a long time. Your choose your own adventure is also brilliant. It’s great to see how things play out on a family systems level – it helps me see it all from above rather than fall into the guilt trap. I like how you say we’re all finding our way and the trauma bond explains so much why I haven’t been able to go no contact yet. But I am now closer than ever thanks to you.
I’m so glad these pieces are helpful to you. Psychological abuse from a parent is really hard to separate and heal from.
Thank you Jamie for this post. This is a really BIG issue that we as survivors deal with. What is right for some survivors are not right for others. We are all different with different family dynamics. One thing is certain, abuse can never lead to a good relationship no matter how much you seek it. The hurt is too deep. I can only speak for myself when I say that cutting out my family was the best thing for my own health and for me to move on. They have all tried reconnecting with me, mostly in bad ways and ending up causing me more harm. I did what was right for me.
Thank you Jamie – this article is brilliantly put together and exactly what I needed to read right now.
I have been no contact with “Barbara the Victim” (she does not deserve the title of Mother) for 4 years now. Subsequently I have had to go no contact with my entire family to protect them and me because she such an expert manipulator. I was also the scapegoat.
Your genuine understanding and kind words have helped to strengthen my resolve. My mental health and happiness have improved hugely since going no contact. Thank you Jamie
Thank you for this article. It is a true reflection of what toxic family is all about. After 20 years of no contact with any member of my family, I received an email a couple of weeks ago. I have no idea how they got my email address and I have now blocked them. It said, ‘still trying to locate you.’ It brought everything back and I am now afraid to turn on the light before I have closed all the blinds in case they have found me and are outside looking in… something they used to do. My sons and my grandchildren have been safely hidden and I felt secure as we moved hundreds of miles away. Your well written article has reminded me of all the good points that I need to stay strong and I hope I can find my happy again. Thank you.
The only thing I regret about going no-contact is not doing it sooner! There was such a huge sense of freedom for me after my decision to cut ties. It was truly a form of self preservation. I lost other family members in the process, and that’s tough, but I knew it was the right decision for me.
I’m so relieved to see this written in this way. I read it digitally, then printed it out and highlighted it. I rewrote half of it in my journal. I will be putting this article (and some of your others) in my “emergency response kit” for when that guilt creeps up and to copy some of those simple statements to tell the monkeys. It’s so freeing to realize I didn’t HAVE TO tell them I was going no contact and why. I’ve been struggling with this for over a year & just grey rocking as much as I could. Knowing that no way I could do it would be “just right” because you’re right, I’ve explained my whole life and they never listened and never will. Thank you Jamie & I wish you all the healing for your candid approach and helping others. You have brought me peace and I’m so grateful to you and others that share their story. I hope to do the same soon! We’re not alone and I never would have guessed that sharing our stories was the connection we needed. <3
Classic cult recruiting technique.
1. Find someone vulnerable
2. Love bomb
3. Isolation
4. Reprogram and maintain control
If you’re reading this article and considering going “no contact” look back in your past. We’re you in a particularly vulnerable state? Did you receive like a LOT of positive feedback?
Last bit of advice. Test it! The people that you “trust” now. Tell them that you have changed your mind. If they still support you, then they are probably safe. If they try to talk you out of changing your mind, BIG warning sign.
After 12 years of abuse, I know not very long, but enough that I had a nervous breakdown last month, I finally went no contact with my 89 yo mother 3 days ago.
It’s the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to do in my 66 years.
This page you’ve written is invaluable to me. I’ve taken screenshots of some of the images so I can keep referring back to them to bolster my courage and strength.
Thank you so much.
I’ve finally decided to end the madness.
Prepare for parents to act like parents. It is not a mental disorder to experience profound grief at the loss of a child. Please have a look…
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/constructive-wallowing/201810/stages-estrangement-shock
I grew up walking on eggshells because of an abusive father. It wasn’t until I turned 30 after several years of therapy that I could finally admit the sexual abuse I experienced by my oldest brother (8 years older than me) after confronting my mom and middle brother about I, I learned that it happened at ages and rooms that I don’t remember so I now know that it happened from at least ages 3-6. As an adult I have no desire to ever see my oldest brother again. My family wants me to get over it and my father has used major gaslighting and mental abuse to try and pressure me to comply and forgive my brother /get over it. So I respectfully set clear and healthy boundaries with my dad saying I would not tolerate his gaslighting anymore and asked that he respect my feelings about my brother and not push me. My dad cut me out of his life for this. Now my middle brother I have always been close with – especially his kids- won’t talk to me. No one came to my wedding last month but my mother who hasn’t spoken to me since. My middle brother won’t let me see my niece and nephew or even send them gifts- said maybe next year … today is my birthday. I haven’t been invited to a holiday or the kids birthdays since I set boundaries with my dad. I haven’t made waves publicly or put any other family members in the middle, trying to keep things from affecting my niece and nephew but now I’m being cut off from them too. I can’t explain to my niece why I can’t send her gifts or see her and her brother without making her dad the bad guy- I won’t do that to her. But I know she doesn’t understand and the last thing I want her to feel is abandoned or unloved by me. I have done everything quietly and respectfully but I’m still the black sheep, the ostracized one. I know in my heart I’ve gone above and beyond with handling this as peacefully as possible but it’s so hard grieving a family that is alive but rejects me for trying to improve myself. To stop the generations of abuse in our family. It’s not fair that they are letting our adult family issues affect the kids.I just don’t know how to handle this type of grief and how to support my niece without making her dad the bad guy. Any advice is so welcome.
Keep healing with therapy and prayer (if you are religious). Stay strong and hold your head up high. You are your family’s scapegoat because you called out abuse and want support and respect. You shined a light on a major disgusting problem and your family wants to continue in pretend land. You are being smear campaigned by your.dad. You are grieving a family that doesn’t exist. Please consider reporting the abuse you suffered. Many states have no statute of limitations. Your niece and nephew may be in danger.
Very informative. So….since it’s a given that every narcissistic individual has their own set of parents, can it be assumed that those parents have the same options you’ve described when dealing with their “toxic” and “narcissistic” adult children?
I’m currently dealing with an abusive so-called “father”. He’s been paying for my car, but it recently broke down, and I didn’t tell him because he’s the type of person that when you tell him something is wrong, he gets angry (and he can be a real monster when he’s angry). He wound up showing up (unannounced, and without my permission) to my apartment, and when he found out the car was in the state it was in, he absolutely went off on me and we got into a huge fight. During this fight, I kept asking him REPEATEDLY to give me space enough to calm down (which he wouldn’t even respect). He even went so far as to involve my landlady in this (not cool whatsoever). We’re at the point now where he demanded the car keys so he can fix the car himself (still not taking my feelings into account and STILL thinking about himself and ONLY himself). I told both him and my landlady that I would put the car keys in her mailbox by the end of the week (even mentioning to her that, once he has the keys, I don’t want anything further to do with him) and I also told him to stop contacting me and that I have asked REPEATEDLY (which I have) and POLITELY to stop calling and contacting me. I am seriously considering a restraining order (I even went so far as saving the abusive messages he sent this weekend, this after I asked REPEATEDLY for him to stop and respect me, two things I know now he’ll never do). I just want him out of my life and for the abuse to stop permanently, which is why I’m considering a restraining order. Any other suggestions would be immensely helpful. Thanks so much in advance, and especially for this helpful article.
It is the only solution when one does not accept the help. I tried more than once to explain the hurt aand they do not talk and say “sorry”
I have gone “no contact” but had a fall back of opening the door, where my mom the enabler did as if nothing happend and patronized me .she denies and participates in the abuse and It is always my mom who tries to pick the peace back by reinduce me again (it is never my dad who does the work or it is about own interest) – I had emotional parentification toward her.
Now after all i see that she abused me as well, emotional abuse but also with powerless feelings she did pinch me and very mean on purpose. She never stood-up for me, even when she tried it still was pointing out my ‘so called flaws’ through my dad, to make it easier for herself and not the abuse of my dad. .