Parental Alienation | CPTSDfoundation.org

When the Body Keeps Score, but Blames the Mother

Dr. Mozelle Martin — Tue, 24 Feb 2026 11:00:00 +0000

In the aftermath of childhood sexual abuse, a painful pattern often emerges: survivors direct blame toward nonoffending mothers. It sounds unfair because it often is. It also has a biological and developmental logic that does not care about fairness. Understanding that logic changes how families, clinicians, and advocates respond.

The early attachment contract

Before birth, the mother is the infant’s entire environment. For months, physiology, sound, nutrition, and protection are mediated through her. That early attachment is not only emotional, it is neurobiological. Stress signals, rhythms, and regulation patterns are learned in that dyad. When a traumatic betrayal occurs later, the nervous system seeks an agent responsible for safety and chooses the first one it ever trusted. The result is a powerful, pre-verbal grievance: you were supposed to keep me safe.

How the nervous system assigns blame

Trauma floods the system with arousal, threat cues, and helplessness. Somatic memory marks the event but does not preserve courtroom detail. The body remembers the shock and searches for a stabilizing explanation. When the perpetrator is a familiar figure who also provided kindness or status, the survivor may split the image to survive: the abuser as good-enough, the mother as the broken promise. In that frame, context disappears. Efforts the mother made—reports, safeguards, therapy—do not register against the deeper biological expectation that protection should have been total and anticipatory.

What the research shows

Empirical work has documented two realities that can coexist. First, maternal support after disclosure is one of the strongest predictors of recovery. Second, survivors frequently misdirect anger toward primary caregivers, especially mothers, regardless of actual negligence. The data do not excuse hostility; they explain its frequency. In practice, the nervous system records betrayal more reliably than it records the circumstances that made perfect protection impossible.

Biology versus fairness

The human attachment system was built to prefer a single, steady source of safety. When that illusion breaks, the injury sometimes lands harder than the assault itself. The mother becomes the constant variable, the one expected to sense danger before it formed. If the mother carries her own trauma, the survivor’s body does not compute those limits. What it experiences is, a collapsed guarantee. That is why anger at a nonoffending mother can persist even when evidence shows she acted, intervened, and protected as far as the system allowed.

Guidance for families and clinicians

Start by naming the mechanism without surrendering to it. The survivor’s pain is real; the attribution may be misplaced. Separate validation of harm from endorsement of blame. For mothers, boundaries are not disloyal. Refusing ongoing mistreatment can coexist with an open door to repair when both parties are ready. For clinicians, map pre- and post-disclosure dynamics, document maternal actions, and coach both sides in language that acknowledges injury without cementing false causation. The goal is honest reconciliation if it becomes possible, not coerced forgiveness or endless self-indictment.

When repair does not occur

Some ruptures remain. If the survivor never engages the work needed to reassign responsibility accurately, the relationship may not be recoverable. That outcome is painful, and it is not proof of maternal failure. It is a reminder that biology favors simple stories under stress. Protecting against secondary harm—guilt without end, tolerance of abuse in the name of love—is part of ethical care for nonoffending parents.

Final thoughts

The body keeps score, and sometimes it writes the wrong name in the margin. Recognizing that reflex does not diminish the survivor’s wound. It restores accuracy to families and gives clinicians a clear frame: validate the injury, correct the attribution, and pursue repair without abandoning truth.

References

Van den Bergh BR, Mulder EJ, Mennes M, Glover V. Antenatal maternal anxiety and stress and the neurobehavioral development of the fetus and child: links and possible mechanisms. Frontiers in Psychology. 2020;11:1451.
Everson MD, Hunter WM, Runyan DK, Edelsohn GA, Coulter ML. Maternal support following disclosure of incest. Child Maltreatment. 2009;4(1):40–54.
Elliott AN, Carnes CN. Reactions of nonoffending parents to the sexual abuse of their child: a review of the literature. Journal of Child Sexual Abuse. 2001;10(2):49–62.
van der Kolk BA. The Body Keeps the Score. New York: Viking; 2014.

Photo credit: Unsplash Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Dr. Mozelle Martin

Dr. Mozelle Martin is a retired trauma therapist and former Clinical Director of a trauma center, with extensive experience in forensic psychology, criminology, and applied ethics. A survivor of childhood and young adulthood trauma, Dr. Martin has dedicated decades to understanding the psychological and ethical complexities of trauma, crime, and accountability. Her career began as a volunteer in a women’s domestic violence shelter, then as a SA hospital advocate, later becoming a Crisis Therapist working alongside law enforcement on the streets of Phoenix. She went on to earn an AS in Psychology, a BS in Forensic Psychology, an MA in Criminology, and a PhD in Applied Ethics, ultimately working extensively in forensic mental health—providing psychological assessments, intervention, and rehabilitative support with inmates and in the community. A published author and lifelong student of life, she continues to explore the relationship and crossovers of forensic science, mental health, and ethical accountability in both historical and modern contexts.

www.InkProfiler.com

How the Narcissistic Parent Uses Annihilation

Rebekah Brown — Thu, 28 Aug 2025 12:59:03 +0000

Narcissistic Behavior

I watched as the rage my father always carried washed over his face. Turing red, he stared at me with threatening eyes. I immediately looked for a way to back down. I had stepped over the boundary and committed the unpardonable sin—I had expressed a personal opinion that didn’t agree with his. My words were seen as a challenge, and he communicated total compliance without saying a word.

When that covert narcissist happens to be a parent, the damage they do has lifelong consequences.

If you have ever had a run-in with a covert narcissist, you will be familiar with this type of behavior. Whether it be a boss, a friend, or a family member, the covert narcissist has an amazing ability to communicate threat in a quiet but clear way. And when that covert narcissist happens to be a parent, the damage they do has lifelong consequences.

My father laid down total compliance throughout my childhood. In those years, it was easy to assault my personhood using physical, verbal, and emotional abuse because I was trapped with no way to escape. Totally dependent on him, he used my vulnerability and innocence as a way to extend his control.

Later, as an adult, he used tactics like questioning my decisions, behaving like a gatekeeper of approval, controlling the narrative, and acting as the moral authority to undermine any sense of independence I gained. Whenever I attempted something new, or stumbled into his orbit by sharing my plans, he would predict failure, imply collapse, and undercut my safety—unless, that is, I shored up his narcissistic system. Even then, his approval was doled out in crumbs. I snapped them up like a starving animal, oblivious to what he was up to.

How a Narcissist Tries to Annihilate Their Adult Child

In my adulthood, my father used manipulative behavior to express his displeasure. My son’s graduation from college was another opportunity for my father to ruin an otherwise happy occasion. Having barely survived childhood, I was so relieved and excited to have arrived at such a milestone and could not wait to see my son receive his engineering degree from a prestigious university. Instead of joining in the celebration, at the last minute, my father decided not to show up. I spent the entire ceremony wondering where he was and scanning the crowd in hopes that he had simply sat in the wrong seat. Afterwards, we hastily drove to his house, where he pouted in his bedroom, refusing to come out and speak to me. I cried the entire three-hour drive home.

You are nothing. I am the center, and you revolve around me

Weeks later, he told me flippantly, “I felt left out, but I was just having a bad day.” No apology, no self-awareness, no understanding of what his behavior had cost me, not to mention the entire family that day. After decades of tolerating his abuse, my emotional life was filled with anxiety and distress. On this day of all days, my father had decided to once again communicate the message: “You exist only in relation to me; without my approval, guidance, or control, you are nothing. I am the center, and you revolve around me. If you step out of my control, you will collapse into nothingness. I will always have the ability to destroy your happiness.”

As a child, survival depended upon appeasing this man. As an adult, I believed my safety and survival still depended on him. After that incident, I finally began to realize that nothing I ever did was going to be enough. Disentangling myself would become a mission. He wasn’t going to change, but I could.

Why Do Narcissists Do This?

Why do narcissists behave like this? It is complicated, but knowing a few reasons why can help alleviate blaming yourself. (Which is what the narcissist wants you to do.)

Fear of Losing Control

-Narcissists see their children as extensions of themselves. When a child grows up and asserts autonomy, the narcissist experiences this as betrayal or abandonment.

-Threats of annihilation become weapons to keep the child psychologically tethered.

Power Through Fear

-Narcissists lack empathy, so fear is their most reliable way to maintain dominance

-This keeps the adult child in a cycle of anxiety, hesitation, and self-doubt

Projection of Their Own Terror

-Deep down, narcissists live with an unacknowledged fear of annihilation themselves. They fear being irrelevant, abandoned, or exposed.

-They project these fears onto the child and use attacks, threats or emotional blackmail to unload their own inner chaos.

How Covert Narcissistic Tactics Work

Knowledge is power, and nowhere is this truer than in breaking free from the power of a narcissistic parent. Understanding what they are up to is the first step in the healing process. The following may help you distinguish the types of tactics a narcissist uses to establish their destructive dominance, especially toward their children.

-Undermining Confidence and Questioning Reality: “Are you sure that happened?” Planting doubt so you second-guess yourself.

Minimizing success: “That’s nothing special, anyone could do that.”

Shifting credit: Quietly taking credit for your achievements or framing them as their doing. (My father wanted credit for my son’s achievement. He later came out and said so.)

Withholding & Silent Control, Stonewalling: Refusing to engage, making you feel like you don’t exist unless you comply. Withdrawal of affection. Coldness or indifference as punishment. Strategic silence. Using non-response to keep you uneasy and seeking approval.

Subtle Power Moves, Positioning Themselves as the Expert: Correcting you constantly, even in small ways. Backhanded compliments. “You look good — for once.” Mocking or smirking. Nonverbal ways of belittling that keep them on top without a word spoken.

Playing the Victim, martyr narrative: “After all I’ve done for you…” Fragility as control. Acting wounded by your independence, so you feel guilty for separating. Inverted blame. You are “selfish,” “ungrateful,” or “cruel” if you assert yourself.

Covert Threats forecasting failure: “You’ll regret that” or “You’ll never make it without me.”Implying collapse. Suggesting that your choices will “ruin the family” or “destroy everything.” Undercutting safety. Quietly reminding you that no one else will care for you the way they do.

Placing Themselves in the Seat of Power, Gatekeeping Approval: Making you earn small crumbs of validation. Controlling narratives. Telling others your version of your life so you look unstable or dependent. Acting as the moral authority. Subtly elevating themselves as more righteous, smarter, or “wiser.”

My father never said the words, “I’ll annihilate you,” but that was the hidden message driving his interactions with me. Recently spending time in deep, inner healing work, my therapist asked me, “Can you remember a single time your father ever did anything out of love for you?” I thought for several minutes, and to my shock, I could not think of a single time. Even things that appeared good were done to shore up his narcissistic system or make himself look better. If you find yourself trying to break free of a powerful narcissistic parent, don’t give up. It is difficult, but possible, even necessary in order to reclaim the life that should be yours. Defy trauma, embrace joy.

https://rebekahlaynebrown.com

Photo by Red Dot on Unsplash

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Rebekah Brown

Rebekah Brown, a native of the south, now resides in the Great American West. Surviving a complicated and abusive family system makes her unique writing style insightful as well as uplifting. Rebekah is the proud mother of two and grandmother of four.

The Alienated Child – An Impossible Choice

Paul Michael Marinello — Tue, 11 Mar 2025 09:17:15 +0000

Through years of self-education about parental alienation, two major intertwining inevitabilities exist:

Number 1: As harmful as the curse of parental alienation is for millions of parents, child abuse is actively being inflicted upon the child and children.

Number 2: Even if a child engages in the difficult task of uncovering the truth and breaking down the harmful system upheld by the targeting parent, the child may find themselves trapped in a lose-lose situation.

Throughout my journey of alienation, I have heard thousands of parents share their experiences in similar situations:

Gaslighting of the child(ren)
Covert (sometimes overt) narcissistic abuse
Denigration
False claims
Limiting and/or cutting communication

In all these situations, a targeted parent lives with a bright red bullseye tattooed on their back. While the lashes become expected, they echo, burn, and scar like hell. These internal injuries serve as a constant reminder that our children have been taken from us. However, as this tale unfolds, I digress by focusing on the child(ren) who has been taken.

Parental alienation constitutes child abuse. This is understood and studied, and more court systems are initiating legislation to combat such abuses. It’s the word that resonates so profoundly: abuse.

My adult daughter has endured decades of narcissistic abuse—so much so that it seems increasingly likely she will remain in this relationship, as it is all she has known. While my pain is real, as an adult, I possess the tools to address such emotional vulnerabilities and take daily steps to continue my ongoing self-care.

In cases of parental alienation, the harm inflicted on our child(ren) greatly surpasses what the targeting parent has inflicted upon us.

I also believe that every alienated parent hopes their child(ren) will eventually uncover the truth about the nature of their relationship with their abuser. That said, can you imagine the emotional turmoil of being in a position where a child must choose to stay with either parent?

In the rare instances when an alienated child returns to the other parent:

The child may choose to break away from their abuser, and;
Have the daunting task of reestablishing their relationship with a parent who has become a stranger to them

Both of these tasks are nearly impossible, particularly for younger kids. Even a well-balanced and educated later teen could not process these two distinctive sets of emotions, and my fear is baked into this.

I believe that for most of our kids, even if they do uncover the truth, they would continue with their abusers to avoid having to make the difficult choices mentioned above. The same is true for a child who thinks the boat rocking would be strong enough to damage their relationship with both parents, leading to a seemingly insurmountable sadness.

If you are an alienated parent looking for support, please join our free PASS Program (Parental Alienation Support Systems) by registering here: https://cptsdfoundation.org/parental-alienation/. We currently meet every Tuesday at 6 p.m. U.S. EST to support one another.

Cover Photo by Tijs van Leur on Unsplash

Paul Michael Marinello

Paul Michael Marinello serves as Chief Staff Writer and Blog Manager for CPTSD Foundation. Previous to this role he managed North American Corporate Communications at MSL, a top ten public relations firm where he also served on the board for Diversity & Inclusion for a staff of 80,000. Paul Michael grew up in New York and attended SUNY Farmingdale before starting a ten-year career at Columbia University. He also served as Secretary and Records Management Officer for the Millwood Fire District, appointed annually by an elected board of fire commissioners from 2008 – 2017.

Healing from Parental Alienation: One Conversation at a Time

Paul Michael Marinello — Mon, 30 Sep 2024 09:21:18 +0000

For a long time, as an alienated parent, I purposely structured my days to adhere to a simple mindset: Do not get into a conversation regarding my daughter.

Those days have come to an end.

It is unnatural for a child to reject a loving parent in the absence of abuse, trauma, or neglect.

This simple yet practical behavior was steadfastly rooted in the guilt, grief, and shame that clouds an alienated parent’s mind. Opening oneself to those conversations epitomized a fight or flight trigger – neither of which was a healthy choice. The guilt of tragically losing a child who is still alive but is abused to believe the targeted parent has no value in their life. The grief of the loss – where a loving relationship once stood became emptiness. The shame that somehow the mistakes I had made as a parent had some negative effect on my child’s life led to the death of the parent/child relationship. Then there is the unspoken trauma that burns like midnight oil when I’m trying to sleep – how are others judging me? It is unnatural for a child to reject a loving parent in the absence of abuse, trauma, or neglect.

I suffered for months with the agony that no parent ever expects. Something so foreign and strange. Something irreversible.

I had known in the past, through a series of actions and behaviors from the alienating parent, that maintaining a solid relationship with my daughter was the most important thing I could foster. I did believe that the bond was unbreakable despite clearly seeing patterns of abuse, parental alienation, and covert narcissism oozing from the alienating parent. This was not slow and progressive like sap from a tree. This narcissistic abuse flowed like a levee breach – inundating all aspects of the narcissist’s life – and everyone in it.

Make no mistake. I am an alienated parent, and I have suffered significant loss. However, I have chosen to use that loss to take action and help as many people in the alienated community as possible—one conversation at a time.

Over the years, I have learned two essential truths:

There is absolutely nothing I could have said or done to stop my child from being alienated from me;
The only way to live my best life is to discuss the taboo subject it is openly

We must open up and talk about this treacherous family disease. We must remember it is generational and passed down through family systems. Discussing it is the only way it becomes un-taboo and brings it out of the shadows. Our collective voices may not be all healing; however, they serve as a roadmap to find solace within the walls of alienation. We can better ourselves with support, empathy, and camaraderie. A reminder to all alienated parents: YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

On Tuesday, October 1st, 2024, the CPTSD Foundation will launch the PASS Program: Parental Alienation Support Systems. This group will be held on Zoom every Tuesday evening at 6 p.m. EST and is open to any alienated parent (and other family). These meetings will be a forum for all alienated parents to talk a little about their situations, feel less alone and more connected, and focus on strategies for understanding and self-care. We will not provide individual advice – the group is meant to be self-sustaining, fueled by your shares.

Personally, the loss of my daughter doesn’t quite sting as much as the child abuse she has endured for years from narcissistic and child abuse. It’s nothing short of tragic, and sets up another generation of alienation.

The PASS Program The GRACE model consists of:

Groups (Zoom online support):

Beginning October 1st at 6 p.m. EST and every Tuesday after that, we will meet to listen to each other’s stories and focus on self-care and self-worth. Each meeting will have a distinct topic (though any alienation content may be discussed). These meetings will be secured by only allowing vetted individuals to participate in our safe environment. Topics include:

Tracing the Family Dynamic
The Necessity of Self-Care
Exploring Narcissistic Abuse
Gaslighting
Trauma-Bonding
The Loss of a Living Child

Recovery

Providing members with a list of resources, mental health tools, literature recommendations, and TED-type events/engagements.

Awareness

Executing a media campaign to allow maximum exposure of the perils associated with parental alienation. In 2025, The Foundation will also conduct an independent study to understand the true nature of the prevalence of alienation.

Changing the System

Much like Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, one primary goal is getting the term parental alienation included in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, which allows parents to have an official diagnosis – and a foundation to fight for their children properly.

Educating the Experts

Educating mental health professionals, attorneys, first responders, and other vital decision-makers ensures that a child’s best interests are always served.

The CPTSD Foundations PASS (Parental Alienation Support Systems) inaugural Zoom meeting will be held on Tuesday, October 1, 2024, at 6 p.m. EST and every Tuesday following. Register here: https://cptsdfoundation.org/parental-alienation/

If you’d like to learn more, email Paul Michael Marinello, PASS Program Facilitator, at passprogram@cptsdfoundation.org.

Paul Michael Marinello

Inside Alienation: Introducing CPTSD’s PASS Program (Parental Alienation Support Systems)

Paul Michael Marinello — Fri, 20 Sep 2024 09:34:29 +0000

The PASS Program Mission Statement:

The PASS program aims to provide alienated parents a resource to understand this crippling family disease and guide members with rich expert-led and real-world experiences to help manifest a path to self-discovery, self-recovery, and the elimination of guilt and shame.

A Focus on Need

Parental Alienation is an insidious family disease rooted in one parent’s quest to eliminate the other parent from their child’s life. This is not a new phenomenon, though reporting on the subject has become much more robust in the past decade.

According to a signature poll of North Carolina adults taken in 2015, more than 13% of parents have experienced parental alienation. The same study projects that at least 3.9 million children in the United States are “moderately to severely” alienated from a parent and that nearly half of these cases are severe.

This is a significant need, which is the focus of a new CPTSD Foundation Program, which will launch in earnest this fall and has had immediate, unbuckling support from our senior staff, corporate partners, and constituents.

The Parental Alienation Support Systems (PASS Program) will hold its first online Zoom session on Tuesday, October 1st, at 6 p.m., Eastern Standard Time.

Program Development

The PASS program has been developed with incredible scrutiny by fellow alienated parents who wish to bring a sense of normalcy and hope for dialogue regarding a situation many people do not feel comfortable discussing.

We are here to start that dialogue.

We are here to provide trauma-informed information. We are here to listen to your stories.

More importantly, we plan on discussing all of the many facets of this disease – in a way that allows alienated parents to shake the foundation of guilt and grief that parallels this affliction at every turn.

A steward will lead our weekly meetings to allow participants to share their stories and learn best practices to focus on healing themselves. We are not providing therapy, but our goal is an open space where we all participate and come together.

User comments

You’re Not Alone

As an alienated parent, I have spent a good part of the past three years walking into rooms (and Zooms) where few could genuinely understand my perspective. Eliminating this personal alienation is a crucial part of our program. Once you realize you are in a room with folks who can understand and empathize with your situation, a consensus builds, and loneliness weans.

We are building a community, and communities need partners, supporters, and constituents to continue to drive messaging via word of mouth. We should not be afraid to tell our truths; it is irrelevant who chooses to believe. In the PASS Program – all of our voices will be heard.

The GRACE Model

Part of building the PASS Program is focusing on other support areas beyond meetings. The GRACE model builds out the program in a way that allows a broader, more focused perspective on areas of parental alienation.

The GRACE model consists of:

Groups (Zoom online support):

Tracing the Family Dynamic
The Necessity of Self-Care
Exploring Narcissistic Abuse
Gaslighting
Trauma-Bonding
The Loss of a Living Child

Recovery

Providing members with a list of resources, mental health tools, literature recommendations, and TED-type events/engagements.

Awareness

Changing the System

Educating the Experts

Educating mental health professionals, attorneys, first responders, and other vital decision-makers ensures that a child’s best interests are always served.

If you’d like to learn more, email Paul Michael Marinello, PASS Program Facilitator, at passprogram@cptsdfoundation.org.

Paul Michael Marinello

Inside Alienation: Introducing CPTSD’s PASS Program (Parental Alienation Support Systems)

Paul Michael Marinello — Mon, 05 Aug 2024 09:09:55 +0000

The PASS Program Mission Statement:

A Focus on Need

The Parental Alienation Support Systems (PASS Program) will hold its first online Zoom session on Tuesday, October 1st, at 6 p.m., Eastern Standard Time.

Program Development

We are here to start that dialogue.

We are here to provide trauma-informed information. We are here to listen to your stories.

User comments

You’re Not Alone

The GRACE Model

The GRACE model consists of:

Groups (Zoom online support):

Tracing the Family Dynamic
The Necessity of Self-Care
Exploring Narcissistic Abuse
Gaslighting
Trauma-Bonding
The Loss of a Living Child

Recovery

Providing members with a list of resources, mental health tools, literature recommendations, and TED-type events/engagements.

Awareness

Changing the System

Educating the Experts

Educating mental health professionals, attorneys, first responders, and other vital decision-makers ensures that a child’s best interests are always served.

If you’d like to learn more, email Paul Michael Marinello, PASS Program Facilitator, at passprogram@cptsdfoundation.org.

Paul Michael Marinello

Why Do Men Stay Too Long in Toxic Abusive Relationships?

STAR Network — Thu, 20 Jun 2024 09:10:12 +0000

Many men stay in toxic, abusive relationships (TAR) due to a variety of complex reasons and deep-seated fears.

One primary reason is men’s tendency to view themselves as “fixers.” Men often cling to the hope that they can repair the relationship, even when it becomes evident that their efforts are futile. This belief can trap them in an endless loop of wasted time and increased trauma as they hope for improvement that never comes.

Societal programming also plays a significant role. Men are often conditioned to deny their vulnerability to avoid shame and stigma. While women may openly discuss their emotional struggles with friends and family, men typically keep conversations light and avoid revealing their true feelings. During difficult times, men might overindulge in self-destructive behaviors or work excessively to mask their pain. Losing a primary confidante in a relationship can lead to devastating long-term effects due to this reluctance to open up.

Fear of conflict is another factor

Ending a committed relationship is inherently conflict-laden; the longer the relationship, the more complicated the process. Many men stay in unhappy relationships far too long because they fear the pain involved in breaking up and moving on. Some might even be attracted to toxic relationships because they are unaware of healthier alternatives.

Complacency and inertia also play significant roles. Men may become too comfortable with the status quo, even if it involves abuse. Sir Isaac Newton’s first law of motion, which describes inertia, can be applied metaphorically: an object (or person) remains in its current state unless acted upon by an external force. In the context of toxic relationships, this external force must come from within, involving a decision to set boundaries, break unhealthy habits, and move away from complacency.

Fear of change and uncertainty can also keep men in toxic relationships. The status quo might feel safer, even if it is damaging. However, embracing change is essential for personal growth and avoiding harmful situations.

Without access to appropriate mental health services, some men might believe they do not deserve better. This lack of awareness and fear can lead them to repeatedly seek out toxic relationships. This cycle can be broken with proper support and care.

Some men may also stay in toxic relationships due to a misguided belief that their role as caretakers or martyrs has emotional or psychological benefits. They might feel undeserving of a healthier relationship.

The consequences of remaining in a TAR are severe and far-reaching. Victims may experience anxiety, depression, severe trauma, and suicidal thoughts. They might develop a distrust of people, emotional distance, and complex post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD). Isolation from friends and family and an inability to set healthy boundaries are also common effects.

Survivors of toxic relationships need to understand these behaviors to cope with their pain. Seeking help from therapists and support groups like the CPTSD Foundation can be crucial in learning to manage their trauma in healthy ways.

Recognizing that you are in a toxic, abusive relationship is the first critical step. Here are practical steps and resources for men to seek support and start the healing process:

Acknowledge the Situation

Understand and admit that you are in a toxic situation. Denial can prolong suffering and make it harder to seek help. Take time to reflect on your feelings and the reality of your relationship. Journaling can help articulate thoughts and emotions.

Reach Out for Support!

Share your experiences with trusted individuals who can provide emotional support and perspective.

Join TAR Anon, a free support group every Monday and Wednesday at 6 PM EDT via www.taranon.org. These groups offer a sense of community and shared experiences.

Watch for free a webinar, with a groundbreaking session titled “Men! Have You Stepped in TAR?” For all men, and women who know of a man who has stepped in TAR.

Watch for free here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ROhvhJMEdWA&feature=youtu.be

Men in toxic, abusive relationships face unique challenges, but recognizing the problem and taking proactive steps to seek help is crucial. By reaching out for support, creating a safety plan, setting boundaries, and focusing on self-care, men can start the journey toward healing and a healthier future. Remember, seeking help is a sign of strength, and there are resources and communities ready to support you through this process.

Ultimately, every experience, no matter how painful, shapes us. While the journey out of a toxic relationship is challenging, it is a step towards a better future. Understanding that you deserve better and moving on from the past is essential. Your life story is yours to write, and it is never too late to start a new chapter.

STAR Network

STAR Network, is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization committed to Support, Treatment, and Prevention of Narcissistic Abuse and Attachment Disorders. Narcissistic abuse is one of the most devastating triggers for CPTSD, robbing survivors of their authenticity. STAR Network empowers STARs (Survivors of Toxic Abusive Relationships) with its transformational program, TAR Anon™. STAR Network is the leading global trauma support network, offering free resources to heal individuals and families impacted by trauma, PTSD and CPTSD. Their mission is to transform lives, reduce relapse rates, and create a lasting, inclusive community of support.

https://starnetwork.org/

https://drjamie.com/

https://taranon.org/

https://tartales.org/

Join Our FREE Webinar- Men! Have You Stepped in TAR?

STAR Network — Fri, 07 Jun 2024 14:04:54 +0000

International Men’s Health Week 2024, which runs from June 10-16, marks the 30^th anniversary of this important commemoration. Originating in the United States in 1994 – thanks to a Joint Resolution in the U.S. Senate (spearheaded by Senator Bob Dole) and the U.S. House (advanced by Congressman Bill Richardson) – the Week has grown into a significant global initiative. Initially linked to Father’s Day, it now has a worldwide presence, observed in countries including the United Kingdom, Australia, Canada, Denmark, Ireland, and New Zealand. Additionally, this commemoration provides a great opportunity to highlight men’s health issues, organize engaging activities, and advocate for improvements in health policy and practice, making men’s health an international priority.

Addressing Toxic Abusive Relationships (TAR) Among Men Worldwide

In observance of International Men’s Health Week, we are excited to announce a pivotal webinar entitled Men! Have You Stepped in TAR? presented by Dr. Jamie Huysman, Founder of TAR Network™.

This essential event will take place at 10:00 AM EDT on Thursday, June 13, 2024.To book a FREE place on this unique webinar, please register on Zoom Link Here –

Webinar Highlights:

Understanding TAR — Despite measures to address issues like coercive control, emotional abuse, and parental alienation, the number of men suffering from TAR is underreported and misunderstood. This webinar will shine a light on this critical issue.
Expert Insights – Dr. Jamie Huysman, with his extensive experience and deep understanding of TAR complexities, will provide valuable insights and practical advice for men dealing with these challenges.
Promoting Health and Well-Being – the webinar will emphasize the importance of preventable health problems, healthy lifestyles, and early detection and treatment of diseases and mental health issues among men.
2024’s Theme is Know Your Numbers – this year’s theme stresses the importance for policymakers, health professionals, and men to be aware of key health statistics, set health targets, and know where to find supportive services.

Dr. Huysman shares, “This webinar is crucial to address the silent suffering of many men globally. By bringing attention to TAR, we aim to provide the necessary support and resources to help men lead healthier, more fulfilling lives.”

When Men are the Victims

When it comes to acknowledging abuse in a relationship, most people imagine the survivor as female. It is unusual for men to report psychological, emotional, or physical abuse in relationships – for obvious reasons – but it’s far more common than reported. This abuse often goes unnoticed, is severe, and creates long-lasting problems.

If you’re a man experiencing abuse, you’re probably feeling alone, isolated, and maybe ashamed of your circumstances. But you are not alone. According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV), one in four men (25%) will experience some form of physical abuse in a relationship during their lifetime. This figure is also too low, especially when all forms of abuse are considered.

Gender stereotypes still exist. We’re trained to think it unlikely that a man – who’s physically dominant and maybe more aggressive – could be abused by a partner. But male abuse survivors are more common than you might realize, and the abuse methods can vary greatly. Many men don’t talk about being victims of abuse because our patriarchal society has taught them that they are somehow less masculine if they have been victimized.

In Canada, criminologists report that spousal abuse by gender occurs in equal numbers. Canadian men report being victims of spousal violence with the same frequency as women, but women are far more likely to be subject to severe forms of family violence, according to a Statistics Canada study.

Invisible Victims

But how can something as serious as abuse in a relationship be overlooked? If a man is being abused, wouldn’t we know it? Wouldn’t we see it? Probably not, because among men, abuse is a bit like a dirty little secret. People, especially the men who are living with it, don’t talk about it – even if they realize it’s happening.

As a society, we’re accustomed to hearing about women being abused by men. Unfortunately, history has given us ample reason to see this as an unpleasant but real possibility. But a woman controlling or abusing a man? This must mean the man is weak and easily manipulated, right? No, not at all. This impression often keeps men from opening up about their abuse and seeking help when they need it.

Assuming that a man recognizes that he’s being abused, he’s likely to resist such an admission. For a man, abuse by his significant other can be emasculating – he can be made to feel that he’s not a real man. He may develop psychological constructs – patterns of behavior or thought to help him minimize and explain away the abuse.

Men may also have a narrower definition of what constitutes abuse in a relationship. Abuse isn’t always just physical. But if you ask a man if he’s experiencing abuse, he may immediately assume you’re asking if he’s being hit by his partner. It’s far more likely that the man experiencing abuse is dealing with emotional, psychological, verbal, or even sexual abuse.

Many men will overlook any form of abuse that isn’t overtly physical and fail to recognize (or admit) what’s happening to them. This blind spot means we fail to notice how much more common abuse among men is than we want to believe.

Abuse Tactics

Manipulation by female partners. Society teaches – rightfully so – that men should never use their physical advantage over women aggressively. An abusive woman might exploit this restraint by giving in to her own anger or manipulative instincts and become verbally or emotionally abusive toward her partner, fully aware that he will not physically retaliate. Women may also employ sexual coercion – that takes the forms of withholding sex, promising sex or sexual acts, or sexual flirtation – as weapons to control or outright hurt them. Men may not recognize this manipulation as a form of abuse – but using anything as a means of controlling your partner, including sex, is certainly abuse.

Psychological abuse. Women may employ psychological abuse tactics, including demeaning the man in their life, undermining their partner’s confidence, or causing the man to feel isolated and dependent. An abusive female partner may…

socially cut off her partner from friends and normal activities,
interfere in family relationships,
make unfounded accusations of infidelity,
constantly monitor calls, texts, and social media or
exert financial control, and manipulate or undermine her partner.

Parental alienation. A man’s children may be used against him. Some women may well exert their influence over the children to manipulate and alienate them against the father. They may threaten a father’s access to his children or expose character flaws or behaviors to his children that will turn them against him. This constitutes abusive behavior toward both the father and the children, who are caught in the middle.

If men hesitate to talk about it, seem to not recognize it, and there are no physical signs like bruises or broken bones – how can you tell if a man is being abused in his relationship? Look for these indicators (one or more)…

Changes in personality – distinct changes in personality in anyone should raise a red flag. It doesn’t always mean abuse, but something is going on. A change in personality –an outgoing person withdraws or a responsible, steady man acts in angry, wild, or irresponsible ways – could signal abuse.
Being anxious or fearful about his partner’s response – being regularly and overly concerned or anxious about how your partner will respond to you isn’t healthy. It may be a sign of fear that failure to please will result in punitive or abusive measures. This is true for both men and women and can result in communication breakdown.
Overly apologetic – a person experiencing abuse may become accustomed to unnecessarily apologizing or overexplaining their behavior.
He needs to check in with his partner repeatedly, and fear of his partner’s responses may cause the need to check in with his partner constantly. If you find that a man’s partner is checking up on him or has trained him to check in more often than seems reasonable, it may be a sign of abuse.
He seems depressed – in men, depression can manifest as anger, or sadness can be more chronic than a despondent mood.
Low self-esteem – one effect of abuse that’s consistent among men and women is diminished self-esteem. Becoming unsure of himself in an area where he once was confident may signal that he’s been an overlooked survivor of toxic abuse.
Alcohol or substance use – men are prone to using alcohol or other substances as a method of self-medicating. Managing emotions and escaping becomes important – drinking more than usual, picking up a cigarette or cannabis smoking habit – consider these warning signs that something may be off.

This is not a comprehensive red flag list, but they are some of the most prevalent signals. If you notice these in yourself or a man you love, it’s time to act.

Stopping the Abuse

Putting a stop to abuse in any relationship is difficult and complicated. It would be nice if it were as easy as just saying “stop” or leaving, but it’s not. Ending abuse is also not easily accomplished alone. People in abusive relationships – male, female, or gender-neutral – find that the support of family, friends, and mental health professionals can help them make the needed changes.

It can be done! We all know that the first step in healing is the hardest. Admitting the abuse exists can definitely be difficult for a man. Once this step is cleared, change can begin. TAR Men and TAR Network™ are here to help people improve their lives, break free from toxic abusive relationships, reclaim their lost identity, improve their well-being, and reconnect with their alienated children one step at a time. It provides men with resources on how to start living their lives to the fullest, free of toxicity.

Join us on Thursday, June 13^th at 10:00 AM EDT for

Men! Have You Stepped in TAR?

To book a FREE place on this unique webinar, please register on Zoom Link Here –

Don’t miss this opportunity to gain knowledge and tools to address TAR and improve your overall health and well-being effectively. For more information, visit the International Men’s Health Week website.

Join us in this global effort to improve men’s health and raise awareness about the issues men face. Let’s step forward together and make a difference.

STAR Network

https://starnetwork.org/

https://drjamie.com/

https://taranon.org/

https://tartales.org/

Parental Alienation and a Narcissistic Parent

Shirley Davis — Mon, 12 Feb 2024 10:32:34 +0000

Children are often caught in the middle in the face of a divorce or separation. Kids love both of their parents and become confused and afraid when they don’t get along.

But what happens when one parent is a narcissist who is adept at gaslighting and manipulation? This article will focus on parental alienation and narcissism.

Parental Alienation

As you may remember from my last post, parental alienation is doing or saying things by one parent to their children against the other, damaging their relationship with the alienated parent.

The damaging parent might cause their children to fear, reject, or even hate the targeted parent as they are painted a picture that is ugly and full of lies.

There are many ways to manipulate children into despising their other parent, including isolating them away from the victim parent, undermining the other parent’s authority, asking their children for information that is negative against the other parent, and emotionally manipulating the children. By far, the most damaging thing done to children is to deny the targeted parent access to them.

Often, the offending parent displays narcissism while pitting the children and their other parent against each other to control and manipulate all involved.

Narcissists and Their Behavior in Divorce

The words narcissist and narcissism are improperly used in our society today to describe someone who doesn’t want to go along with plans or to classify someone in other ultimately silly ways. However, narcissism is nothing to laugh about as it is a severe condition where the narcissist manipulates and bullies people to do what they want.

Another way to describe narcissism is that it is extreme self-involvement by a person to a degree that makes them ignore the needs of those around them. Narcissists understand their behavior but refuse to change.

Narcissism is a trait, but sometimes, it is included as part of a more considerable personality disorder called narcissistic personality disorder on a spectrum. There are some common traits of narcissists, including the following.

A sense of entitlement. Narcissists believe that they are superior to others and deserve special treatment. They also think others should obey their wishes and that the general rules of society don’t apply to them.

When a narcissist faces a divorce, they feel they no longer have control over their ex-spouse, so they exert pressure on them by using the children as weapons, attempting to convince them their other parent is bad.

Manipulating. Narcissists use manipulation and controlling behavior. They draw in their victims by first trying to please and impress you, but soon, their needs will come first. Narcissists try to keep their victims close to maintain control, and they will exploit others to gain something they want.

Divorce means that their ex-spouse has escaped their manipulative grasp, and they think they should be punished. To exert control over their ex, narcissists will use their children as pawns to frustrate and harm them. Narcissists are supreme manipulators and will not stop alienating the other parent, tearing their children apart.

Lack of empathy for others. Narcissists are unwilling or unable to empathize with other people, choosing instead to ignore their wants, needs, and feelings. Their lack of empathy makes narcissists not take responsibility for their actions.

Children of narcissists, especially in a divorce situation, find the controlling parent using them to get back at the other parent and ignoring the fact that their children need love and understanding during such a tough time.

Narcissists believe they are wholly justified in destroying their ex and their children and do not take responsibility for their behaviors.

Tools Narcissistic Parents Use

Unfortunately for children, having a narcissistic parent in a divorce situation harms them and is a form of child abuse. The offending narcissistic parent may utilize a variety of tools to harm their ex using their children.

Triangulation is a standard manipulative tool that occurs when the offending parent vents to the children, causing them to bear the weight of the conflict, and sometimes uses the children to spy on the other parent. Being constantly told nasty things about the other parent and spying on them sets the children up for abandonment and attachment problems.

Another tool a narcissistic parent may employ includes gaslighting, where the offending parent distorts and denies reality while also making the children feel the need to defend the other parent. When the children do try to defend the other parent, the narcissistic parent will manipulate them back into their fold. The conflict the children feel is overwhelming.

There are as many tools that a narcissistic parent will use as there are children whose growth is stunted by their behavior.

Ending Our Time Together

To recap, narcissistic parental alienation happens when a parent with narcissistic traits maliciously alienates their children from their other parent. The offending parent accomplishes parental alienation by attacking the other parent’s character in front of their children.

Unfortunately, the vicious behavior by the narcissistic parent often leads to the children disliking and rejecting the other parent who is innocent of the things the offending parent said.

The available evidence suggests that parental alienation occurs in very tense separations and divorces, particularly if there is a bitter child custody battle. Unfortunately for the children, the offending parent uses cruel and callous words and behaviors, harming not only their intended target, the other parent but also the children.

Clearly, children who are raised where there is parental alienation often form mental health problems such as depression, anxiety disorders, and other serious conditions. Their physical health may also be affected as they may turn to food for comfort and gain significant amounts of weight, or conversely, refuse to eat and become anorexic. These conditions are only the tip of the iceberg for the number of physical and mental problems children in this situation face.

No matter how the situation unfolds, parental alienation is a severe and illegal form of child abuse that significantly harms the children involved.

Pride

CPTSD Foundation wishes to invite you to our Pride Program, which is offered weekly on Circle. In Pride, we discuss important topics related to complex trauma and how it has affected our lives. The program is led by a fantastic person who understands the issues facing the LGBTQIA+ community.

Come as you are, take what you like, and leave the rest.

The program is offered every Thursday at 7 pm Eastern time through the Circle app. If you are interested, you can find information here. If you are interested, don’t hesitate to contact the support team of CPTSD Foundation and sign up.

We look forward to seeing you there.

Trauma-Informed Partner Support

Since CPTSD Foundation began, we’ve understood the critical role that supportive partners play in the life of a trauma survivor. Spouses, partners, caregivers, siblings, and anyone who is directly involved in the daily life of an adult survivor of complex trauma.

This program provides that safe place of encouragement, support, information, and validation that supportive partners and helpers need. You are safe here, among others who understand the challenges of helping a survivor navigate daily life.

Learn more about this unique program that focuses on encouraging and equipping you, the supportive partner, as you help care for the survivor in your life and yourself.

Shirley Davis

My name is Shirley Davis and I am a freelance writer with over 40-years- experience writing short stories and poetry. Living as I do among the corn and bean fields of Illinois (USA), working from home using the Internet has become the best way to communicate with the world. My interests are wide and varied. I love any kind of science and read several research papers per week to satisfy my curiosity. I have earned an Associate Degree in Psychology and enjoy writing books on the subjects that most interest me.

www.learnaboutdid.com

Parental Alienation

Shirley Davis — Mon, 05 Feb 2024 10:52:20 +0000

Divorce or separation is messy and very hard on any children caught up in the process. Often, children worry about losing one or both of their parents, even when the divorce or separation is amicable.

But what happens when one parent decides to cause alienation between their children and their ex? This article will explore parental alienation and how it affects children.

What is Parental Alienation?

Parental alienation includes doing or saying things by one parent against the other that damage the child’s relationship with the other parent. One parent causes their children to hate, fear, and reject the targeted parent and paints them as somehow unworthy of the children’s love.

Some forms of manipulation used by one parent against the other include:

Withholding information from the children
Exaggerating and lying to one’s children about the other parent
Saying wicked things about the other parent
Telling the children that the other parent doesn’t love them
Forcing the child to choose who their favorite parent is
Telling the children information they should not know
Talking negatively about the other parent

All the manipulative behavior listed above is highly damaging, not only to the target parent but also to the children as well.

Other tactics used by the alienating parent that put great force on the children and that damage their mental health might include the following.

Isolation. The most commonly used tactic is where one parent isolates their children from the targeted parent.

Undermining the other parent’s authority. The one parent alienating the other may use negative attitudes and beliefs to vilify, ridicule, or demean the target parent.

Pressure. The alienating parent may pressure their children to provide them with negative information about the other parent, putting the children in a horrible conundrum.

Emotional manipulation. The parent who is alienating may use threats that they will withhold their love from their children to manipulate the child into emotional compliance.

Denial. The alienating parent denies the children access to the other parent.

How Parental Alienation Affects Children

One can imagine a child’s confusion when being manipulated by one parent against the other. They may feel forced to choose which parent they wish to remain loyal to. Parental alienation is a form of child abuse that harms children, and that hurt carries over into adult life.

Children experiencing parental alienation might experience anxiety, depression, trauma reactions, and other mental health problems. Mental health issues form because the push/pull by the parents sets up a cognitive dissonance in the child’s mind.

Cognitive dissonance describes children’s uncomfortable feelings when one parent’s words or actions conflict with the child’s beliefs. Cognitive dissonance leaves the child with a conflicted mind filled with confusion and fear.

Negative consequences to children include disturbing the child’s ability to trust because of their inability to trust their perceptions and feelings. The child may also develop an uncertain identity and feel insecure. Also, the child may learn that lying and manipulating others is okay to get their way. They may also learn to be cruel, uncooperative, and challenging.

Parental Alienation and the Law

Most judges treat parental alienation as child abuse in hopes of improving the child’s situation. When considering a case of possible parental alienation, the judge considers many things, such as what is the driving force behind a child’s negative actions toward the other parent and the child’s thoughts, emotions, and wishes.

Of course, the judge examines the evidence, including all relevant communications between the two parents, such as text messages, emails, and letters.

The judge may order that there be an evaluation of the child to determine if parental alienation is happening in the case and to what level it is operative. Sometimes, the judge will order individual therapy for the alienating parent.

The judge may also order that the alienating parent comply with a parenting plan set up during the divorce. If there is continued noncompliance, the judge can hold the alienating parent in contempt of court.

Another consequence of parental alienation is a modification in the custody arrangement. The court can change the physical or legal custody of their children, even disallowing contact between the alienating parent and their children.

As one can see, the law takes parental alienation very seriously. It will do what it takes to either bring the alienating parent in line with the judge’s ruling or, in severe cases, disallow contact between the alienating parent and their children.

Ending Our Time Together

Parental alienation is a terrible trauma to force children to experience. Not only do the children need to face the fact that their parents are no longer married, but they also experience child abuse from one parent against the other.

There is never an excuse for attempting to alienate your children from the other parent. The tactics are harmful and have life-long consequences. The long-term effects of parental alienation include an uncertain identity, lack of self-esteem, and deeply felt insecurities.

Although I haven’t experienced parental alienation, I have experienced attempts by my grandfather to alienate me from my mother. He used tactics such as telling me what a horrid woman she is and how she doesn’t love me. I was stuck between a grandfather I wanted to please very much and a mother unaware of what he was doing.

To this day, I live with the scars of being pushed and pulled by a man who did not have my best interest at heart. He would never have put me in that awful position if he loved me like he said. I find it very hard to trust anyone, even those I know well. My self-esteem was in the gutter for many years until I earned it back in therapy.

The final word on this topic is this: Don’t use your children as pawns in a nasty game of keep-away. Your children deserve better than that from you. If you are angry at your ex, keep it between the two of you; don’t allow it to flow over into the lives of your innocent children.

If you are a parent who has been alienated from your children, you do have rights. Unfortunately, for many, the high cost of combating this form of child abuse in the courts prohibits many from ending this horrendous practice. Some organizations can help by offering free or low-cost legal services. Check them out in your state.

“A child’s innocence is the one gift that, once stolen, can never be replaced.” – Jaeda DeWalt

Pride

CPTSD Foundation wishes to invite you to our Pride Program, offered weekly on Circle. In Pride, we discuss important topics related to complex trauma and how it has affected our lives. The program is led by a fantastic person who understands the issues facing the LGBTQIA+ community.

Come as you are, take what you like, and leave the rest.

We look forward to seeing you there.

Trauma-Informed Partner Support

Learn more about this unique program that focuses on encouraging and equipping you, the supportive partner, as you help care for the survivor in your life and yourself.

Shirley Davis