The focus of my clinical practice is to help clients live fully and peacefully through adversity.

My clients have ranged in age from approximately 20 to 90, and they consist of parents, grandparents, sons, and daughters who are all trying to navigate estrangement.  Several clients have peaceful relationships with their adult sons and daughters, but they work with me to improve those bonds.  Although my observations are aimed at supporting estranged parents, they can apply to any difficult relationship.

Clinical Observation #4:  Is there a causal relationship between a parent’s PTSD/C-PTSD diagnosis and parental estrangement?

As of this writing, I am grieving the loss of my beloved 91-year-old mother.  As an estranged parent, funeral services were quite triggering in addition to being grief-ridden.  I was surrounded by those who loved my mother and by several who are estranged from me in addition to my adult son and daughter.  The ripple effect of estrangement was evident at the funeral and brought up a sense of betrayal in addition to triggering symptoms related to my most recent diagnoses of PTSD and C-PTSD. The sense of betrayal came from wondering who in this room I can trust, as it was obvious some people had chosen sides in my estrangement. For weeks after, I felt numb and out of touch with my body, a hallmark symptom of trauma. PTSD generally refers to trauma that is caused by a traumatic event.  Whereas C-PTSD results from too much or not enough of a behavior that impacts a child’s development.  For example, there is a major difference between a parent keeping a child safe and a parent being consistently hypervigilant. Ongoing unhealthy scrutiny by parents can lead to a sense of being smothered or controlled as the child grows into adulthood, possibly leading to estrangement.

Before my own diagnosis, I had already begun to see a pattern in my clinical practice. Most of my estranged parent-clients shared with me some degree of deep woundedness in childhood.  Several from that group presented themselves as being wounded in the form of trauma.  A significant number of my clients are both estranged parents and trauma survivors.  This dynamic prompted me to raise the question: Is there a causal relationship between a parent’s PTSD/C-PTSD diagnosis and parental estrangement?

How can I connect my trauma to how I raised my children?  Based on my clinical experience, there are layers to surviving trauma and surviving parental estrangement.  The first layer is self-awareness, during which you begin to recognize unhealthy behaviors that have become your trauma responses.  For me, yelling at my young children became a consistent reaction because that is how people often communicated in my family, and that was the only way I got heard as a child.  I also recently recognized that when I yelled at them, it felt like an out-of-body experience.  I simply could not stop myself. These behaviors were symptomatic of my trauma. The second layer is recognizing how the pattern of trauma responses played a role in your parenting. 

This realization is the function of the ESTRANGEMENT ALGORITHM®which I created and addressed in an earlier article. For example, yelling at my children became a daily occurrence, multiple times a day.  I believe my adult son and daughter would say they constantly walked on eggshells around me and my moods.  Another trauma response was my hypervigilance about who my children hung out with and where.  I recently made the following connection: My hypervigilant behavior is the result of being assaulted by a nonfamily member as a child, a traumatic event that recently emerged. It is evident that this layer requires one to let down their guard and crawl deep inside their nervous system to find all the ways in which trauma showed up in your parenting. 

The third layer requires seeking a diagnosis from a licensed therapist or clinician.  Receiving the diagnosis of PTSD and C-PTSD as an estranged parent provided me with a tremendous sense of relief on the one hand and a tremendous sense of remorse on the other hand.  Finally, my entire life made sense: my parenting, my relationships, my temperament, my moods, and other hiding places for trauma.  For my adult son and daughter, I feel tremendous sadness.  Though there were many good times, the times they may remember most are my unpredictability that left them feeling insignificant, unloved, and unsafe.

The fourth layer for me, which I cannot call the final layer at this time, is Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), which I am currently undergoing.  The purpose of EMDR is to lessen the intensity of intrusive memories.  For a clinical explanation of EMDR, I refer to you other clinicians and psychologists who have written about it.  What I can share is my experience with EMDR, which should not be misconstrued as a recommendation. 

Over the period of several weeks, I shared in detail the various traumas with my clinician, which, at times, felt like reliving the incidents. My clinician selected one trauma to begin the actual eye movement, and she chose to begin with the most painful event, which was the assault. I am now approaching the end of the reprocessing phase for the most traumatic event.  I will continue EMDR focusing on both developmental trauma and other traumatic events one at a time.

I can say already that EMDR has helped me with the painful triggers, images and memories.  Before EMDR, my whole body would cringe with shame whenever the thoughts appeared.  At times, the thoughts were inescapable.  Now, I can think about the assault without holding onto the thought and while bringing self-compassion to it and to me.  I may address, in more detail,  my entire experience with EMDR in a future article. And I repeat, my discussion on EMDR is to share my experience.  It is not a recommendation.

As an estrangement clinician, I am not qualified to make diagnoses.  However, I am trained to see patterns and make connections for my clients, and several clients displayed symptoms that may be related to C-PTSD and/or PTSD.  A client’s trauma and estrangement journey are captured by the ESTRANGEMENT ALGORITHM®

To summarize, after my clients share their childhood wounds or traumas, they are asked to reflect on any related unhealthy dynamics when raising their children. These connections become the ESTRANGEMENT ALGORITHM® The parent then has priceless information which can inform their decision on whether they reach out to their adult son and/or daughter.  Just as significant is seeing and knowing these connections that can bring understanding to the client, and self-understanding helps to promote self-compassion. Both ingredients are essential for healing from the excruciating pain of being cut off by your son or daughter.

The Estrangement Algorithm® is ultimately a tool to bring estranged parents greater peace of mind and to answer the question: Is there a causal relationship between a parent’s PTSD/C-PTSD diagnosis and parental estrangement?

WORD OF CAUTION:

The ESTRANGEMENT ALGORITHM® is solely based on educated assumptions about why an adult son or daughter chooses to estrange. 

Only the estranged son or daughter holds this reliable information.

Life, Positive. “The Link between Trauma and Emotional Numbness: Causes, Symptoms, and               Recovery.” Positive Life Asia, 6 Sept. 2025, www.positivelifeasia.com/post/the-link-       between-trauma-and-emotional-numbness-causes-symptoms-and-recovery.                   Accessed 9 Apr. 2026.

“Undoing Emotional Numbing May Be Key to Trauma Recovery.” Psychology Today, 2024,                   www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/experimentations/202405/undoing-emotional-   numbing-may-be-key-to-trauma-     recovery?msockid=0ab16c569c8a680527087ae09d486983. Accessed 9 Apr. 2026.

Photo Credit: Unsplash

Guest Post Disclaimer: This guest post is for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing shared here, across CPTSDfoundation.org, any CPTSD Foundation website, our associated communities, or our Social Media accounts, is intended to substitute for or supersede the professional advice and direction of your medical or mental health providers. The thoughts and opinions expressed are those of the guest author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CPTSD Foundation. For further details, please review the following: Terms of Service, Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer

I watched as the rage my father always carried washed over his face. Turing red, he stared at me with threatening eyes. I immediately looked for a way to back down. I had stepped over the boundary and committed the unpardonable sin—I had expressed a personal opinion that didn’t agree with his. My words were seen as a challenge, and he communicated total compliance without saying a word. 

When that covert narcissist happens to be a parent, the damage they do has lifelong consequences. 

If you have ever had a run-in with a covert narcissist, you will be familiar with this type of behavior. Whether it be a boss, a friend, or a family member, the covert narcissist has an amazing ability to communicate threat in a quiet but clear way. And when that covert narcissist happens to be a parent, the damage they do has lifelong consequences. 

My father laid down total compliance throughout my childhood. In those years, it was easy to assault my personhood using physical, verbal, and emotional abuse because I was trapped with no way to escape. Totally dependent on him, he used my vulnerability and innocence as a way to extend his control. 

Later, as an adult, he used tactics like questioning my decisions, behaving like a gatekeeper of approval, controlling the narrative, and acting as the moral authority to undermine any sense of independence I gained. Whenever I attempted something new, or stumbled into his orbit by sharing my plans, he would predict failure, imply collapse, and undercut my safety—unless, that is, I shored up his narcissistic system. Even then, his approval was doled out in crumbs. I snapped them up like a starving animal, oblivious to what he was up to.

How a Narcissist Tries to Annihilate Their Adult Child

In my adulthood, my father used manipulative behavior to express his displeasure. My son’s graduation from college was another opportunity for my father to ruin an otherwise happy occasion. Having barely survived childhood, I was so relieved and excited to have arrived at such a milestone and could not wait to see my son receive his engineering degree from a prestigious university. Instead of joining in the celebration, at the last minute, my father decided not to show up. I spent the entire ceremony wondering where he was and scanning the crowd in hopes that he had simply sat in the wrong seat. Afterwards, we hastily drove to his house, where he pouted in his bedroom, refusing to come out and speak to me. I cried the entire three-hour drive home. 

You are nothing. I am the center, and you revolve around me

Weeks later, he told me flippantly, “I felt left out, but I was just having a bad day.” No apology, no self-awareness, no understanding of what his behavior had cost me, not to mention the entire family that day. After decades of tolerating his abuse, my emotional life was filled with anxiety and distress. On this day of all days, my father had decided to once again communicate the message: “You exist only in relation to me; without my approval, guidance, or control, you are nothing. I am the center, and you revolve around me. If you step out of my control, you will collapse into nothingness. I will always have the ability to destroy your happiness.”

As a child, survival depended upon appeasing this man. As an adult, I believed my safety and survival still depended on him. After that incident, I finally began to realize that nothing I ever did was going to be enough. Disentangling myself would become a mission. He wasn’t going to change, but I could.

Why Do Narcissists Do This?

Why do narcissists behave like this? It is complicated, but knowing a few reasons why can help alleviate blaming yourself. (Which is what the narcissist wants you to do.)

Fear of Losing Control

-Narcissists see their children as extensions of themselves. When a child grows up and asserts autonomy, the narcissist experiences this as betrayal or abandonment. 

-Threats of annihilation become weapons to keep the child psychologically tethered.

Power Through Fear

-Narcissists lack empathy, so fear is their most reliable way to maintain dominance

-This keeps the adult child in a cycle of anxiety, hesitation, and self-doubt

Projection of Their Own Terror

-Deep down, narcissists live with an unacknowledged fear of annihilation themselves. They fear being irrelevant, abandoned, or exposed.

-They project these fears onto the child and use attacks, threats or emotional blackmail to unload their own inner chaos.

How Covert Narcissistic Tactics Work

Knowledge is power, and nowhere is this truer than in breaking free from the power of a narcissistic parent. Understanding what they are up to is the first step in the healing process. The following may help you distinguish the types of tactics a narcissist uses to establish their destructive dominance, especially toward their children.

-Undermining Confidence and Questioning Reality: “Are you sure that happened?”  Planting doubt so you second-guess yourself.

Minimizing success: “That’s nothing special, anyone could do that.”

Shifting credit: Quietly taking credit for your achievements or framing them as their doing. (My father wanted credit for my son’s achievement. He later came out and said so.)

Withholding & Silent Control, Stonewalling: Refusing to engage, making you feel like you don’t exist unless you comply. Withdrawal of affection. Coldness or indifference as punishment. Strategic silence. Using non-response to keep you uneasy and seeking approval.

Subtle Power Moves, Positioning Themselves as the Expert: Correcting you constantly, even in small ways. Backhanded compliments. “You look good — for once.” Mocking or smirking. Nonverbal ways of belittling that keep them on top without a word spoken.

Playing the Victim, martyr narrative: “After all I’ve done for you…” Fragility as control. Acting wounded by your independence, so you feel guilty for separating. Inverted blame. You are “selfish,” “ungrateful,” or “cruel” if you assert yourself.

Covert Threats forecasting failure: “You’ll regret that” or “You’ll never make it without me.”Implying collapse. Suggesting that your choices will “ruin the family” or “destroy everything.” Undercutting safety. Quietly reminding you that no one else will care for you the way they do.

Placing Themselves in the Seat of Power, Gatekeeping Approval: Making you earn small crumbs of validation. Controlling narratives. Telling others your version of your life so you look unstable or dependent. Acting as the moral authority. Subtly elevating themselves as more righteous, smarter, or “wiser.”

My father never said the words, “I’ll annihilate you,” but that was the hidden message driving his interactions with me. Recently spending time in deep, inner healing work, my therapist asked me, “Can you remember a single time your father ever did anything out of love for you?” I thought for several minutes, and to my shock, I could not think of a single time. Even things that appeared good were done to shore up his narcissistic system or make himself look better. If you find yourself trying to break free of a powerful narcissistic parent, don’t give up. It is difficult, but possible, even necessary in order to reclaim the life that should be yours. Defy trauma, embrace joy.

Sign up for my free monthly newsletter and read more blogs like this one at: 

• Gaslighting of the child(ren)
• Covert (sometimes overt) narcissistic abuse
• Denigration
• False claims
• Limiting and/or cutting communication

• The child may choose to break away from their abuser, and;
• Have the daunting task of reestablishing their relationship with a parent who has become a stranger to them

Those days have come to an end.

It is unnatural for a child to reject a loving parent in the absence of abuse, trauma, or neglect.

This simple yet practical behavior was steadfastly rooted in the guilt, grief, and shame that clouds an alienated parent’s mind. Opening oneself to those conversations epitomized a fight or flight trigger – neither of which was a healthy choice. The guilt of tragically losing a child who is still alive but is abused to believe the targeted parent has no value in their life. The grief of the loss – where a loving relationship once stood became emptiness. The shame that somehow the mistakes I had made as a parent had some negative effect on my child’s life led to the death of the parent/child relationship. Then there is the unspoken trauma that burns like midnight oil when I’m trying to sleep – how are others judging me? It is unnatural for a child to reject a loving parent in the absence of abuse, trauma, or neglect.

I suffered for months with the agony that no parent ever expects. Something so foreign and strange. Something irreversible. 

I had known in the past, through a series of actions and behaviors from the alienating parent, that maintaining a solid relationship with my daughter was the most important thing I could foster. I did believe that the bond was unbreakable despite clearly seeing patterns of abuse, parental alienation, and covert narcissism oozing from the alienating parent. This was not slow and progressive like sap from a tree. This narcissistic abuse flowed like a levee breach – inundating all aspects of the narcissist’s life – and everyone in it.

Make no mistake. I am an alienated parent, and I have suffered significant loss. However, I have chosen to use that loss to take action and help as many people in the alienated community as possible—one conversation at a time.

Over the years, I have learned two essential truths:

1. There is absolutely nothing I could have said or done to stop my child from being alienated from me;
2. The only way to live my best life is to discuss the taboo subject it is openly

We must open up and talk about this treacherous family disease. We must remember it is generational and passed down through family systems. Discussing it is the only way it becomes un-taboo and brings it out of the shadows. Our collective voices may not be all healing; however, they serve as a roadmap to find solace within the walls of alienation. We can better ourselves with support, empathy, and camaraderie. A reminder to all alienated parents: YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

On Tuesday, October 1st, 2024, the CPTSD Foundation will launch the PASS Program: Parental Alienation Support Systems. This group will be held on Zoom every Tuesday evening at 6 p.m. EST and is open to any alienated parent (and other family). These meetings will be a forum for all alienated parents to talk a little about their situations, feel less alone and more connected, and focus on strategies for understanding and self-care. We will not provide individual advice – the group is meant to be self-sustaining, fueled by your shares.

Personally, the loss of my daughter doesn’t quite sting as much as the child abuse she has endured for years from narcissistic and child abuse. It’s nothing short of tragic, and sets up another generation of alienation.  

• Tracing the Family Dynamic
• The Necessity of Self-Care
• Exploring Narcissistic Abuse
• Gaslighting
• Trauma-Bonding
• The Loss of a Living Child

A Focus on Need

Program Development

User comments

You’re Not Alone

The GRACE Model

• Tracing the Family Dynamic
• The Necessity of Self-Care
• Exploring Narcissistic Abuse
• Gaslighting
• Trauma-Bonding
• The Loss of a Living Child

A Focus on Need

Program Development

User comments

You’re Not Alone

The GRACE Model

• Tracing the Family Dynamic
• The Necessity of Self-Care
• Exploring Narcissistic Abuse
• Gaslighting
• Trauma-Bonding
• The Loss of a Living Child

One primary reason is men’s tendency to view themselves as “fixers.” Men often cling to the hope that they can repair the relationship, even when it becomes evident that their efforts are futile. This belief can trap them in an endless loop of wasted time and increased trauma as they hope for improvement that never comes.

Societal programming also plays a significant role. Men are often conditioned to deny their vulnerability to avoid shame and stigma. While women may openly discuss their emotional struggles with friends and family, men typically keep conversations light and avoid revealing their true feelings. During difficult times, men might overindulge in self-destructive behaviors or work excessively to mask their pain. Losing a primary confidante in a relationship can lead to devastating long-term effects due to this reluctance to open up.

Fear of conflict is another factor

Ending a committed relationship is inherently conflict-laden; the longer the relationship, the more complicated the process. Many men stay in unhappy relationships far too long because they fear the pain involved in breaking up and moving on. Some might even be attracted to toxic relationships because they are unaware of healthier alternatives.

Complacency and inertia also play significant roles. Men may become too comfortable with the status quo, even if it involves abuse. Sir Isaac Newton’s first law of motion, which describes inertia, can be applied metaphorically: an object (or person) remains in its current state unless acted upon by an external force. In the context of toxic relationships, this external force must come from within, involving a decision to set boundaries, break unhealthy habits, and move away from complacency.

Fear of change and uncertainty can also keep men in toxic relationships. The status quo might feel safer, even if it is damaging. However, embracing change is essential for personal growth and avoiding harmful situations.

Without access to appropriate mental health services, some men might believe they do not deserve better. This lack of awareness and fear can lead them to repeatedly seek out toxic relationships. This cycle can be broken with proper support and care.

Some men may also stay in toxic relationships due to a misguided belief that their role as caretakers or martyrs has emotional or psychological benefits. They might feel undeserving of a healthier relationship.

The consequences of remaining in a TAR are severe and far-reaching. Victims may experience anxiety, depression, severe trauma, and suicidal thoughts. They might develop a distrust of people, emotional distance, and complex post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD). Isolation from friends and family and an inability to set healthy boundaries are also common effects.

Survivors of toxic relationships need to understand these behaviors to cope with their pain. Seeking help from therapists and support groups like the CPTSD Foundation can be crucial in learning to manage their trauma in healthy ways.

Recognizing that you are in a toxic, abusive relationship is the first critical step. Here are practical steps and resources for men to seek support and start the healing process:

Acknowledge the Situation

Understand and admit that you are in a toxic situation. Denial can prolong suffering and make it harder to seek help. Take time to reflect on your feelings and the reality of your relationship. Journaling can help articulate thoughts and emotions.

Reach Out for Support!

Share your experiences with trusted individuals who can provide emotional support and perspective.

Join TAR Anon, a free support group every Monday and Wednesday at 6 PM EDT via www.taranon.org.  These groups offer a sense of community and shared experiences.

Watch for free a webinar, with a groundbreaking session titled “Men! Have You Stepped in TAR?” For all men, and women who know of a man who has stepped in TAR.

Watch for free here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ROhvhJMEdWA&feature=youtu.be

Men in toxic, abusive relationships face unique challenges, but recognizing the problem and taking proactive steps to seek help is crucial. By reaching out for support, creating a safety plan, setting boundaries, and focusing on self-care, men can start the journey toward healing and a healthier future. Remember, seeking help is a sign of strength, and there are resources and communities ready to support you through this process.

Ultimately, every experience, no matter how painful, shapes us. While the journey out of a toxic relationship is challenging, it is a step towards a better future. Understanding that you deserve better and moving on from the past is essential. Your life story is yours to write, and it is never too late to start a new chapter.

Addressing Toxic Abusive Relationships (TAR) Among Men Worldwide

In observance of International Men’s Health Week, we are excited to announce a pivotal webinar entitled Men! Have You Stepped in TAR? presented by Dr. Jamie Huysman, Founder of TAR Network™.

This essential event will take place at 10:00 AM EDT on Thursday, June 13, 2024.To book a FREE place on this unique webinar, please register on Zoom Link Here –

Webinar Highlights:

• Understanding TAR — Despite measures to address issues like coercive control, emotional abuse, and parental alienation, the number of men suffering from TAR is underreported and misunderstood. This webinar will shine a light on this critical issue.
• Expert Insights – Dr. Jamie Huysman, with his extensive experience and deep understanding of TAR complexities, will provide valuable insights and practical advice for men dealing with these challenges.
• Promoting Health and Well-Being – the webinar will emphasize the importance of preventable health problems, healthy lifestyles, and early detection and treatment of diseases and mental health issues among men.
• 2024’s Theme is Know Your Numbers – this year’s theme stresses the importance for policymakers, health professionals, and men to be aware of key health statistics, set health targets, and know where to find supportive services.

Dr. Huysman shares, “This webinar is crucial to address the silent suffering of many men globally. By bringing attention to TAR, we aim to provide the necessary support and resources to help men lead healthier, more fulfilling lives.”

When Men are the Victims

When it comes to acknowledging abuse in a relationship, most people imagine the survivor as female. It is unusual for men to report psychological, emotional, or physical abuse in relationships – for obvious reasons – but it’s far more common than reported. This abuse often goes unnoticed, is severe, and creates long-lasting problems.

If you’re a man experiencing abuse, you’re probably feeling alone, isolated, and maybe ashamed of your circumstances. But you are not alone. According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV), one in four men (25%) will experience some form of physical abuse in a relationship during their lifetime. This figure is also too low, especially when all forms of abuse are considered.

Gender stereotypes still exist. We’re trained to think it unlikely that a man – who’s physically dominant and maybe more aggressive – could be abused by a partner. But male abuse survivors are more common than you might realize, and the abuse methods can vary greatly. Many men don’t talk about being victims of abuse because our patriarchal society has taught them that they are somehow less masculine if they have been victimized.

In Canada, criminologists report that spousal abuse by gender occurs in equal numbers. Canadian men report being victims of spousal violence with the same frequency as women, but women are far more likely to be subject to severe forms of family violence, according to a Statistics Canada study.

Invisible Victims

But how can something as serious as abuse in a relationship be overlooked? If a man is being abused, wouldn’t we know it? Wouldn’t we see it? Probably not, because among men, abuse is a bit like a dirty little secret. People, especially the men who are living with it, don’t talk about it – even if they realize it’s happening.

As a society, we’re accustomed to hearing about women being abused by men. Unfortunately, history has given us ample reason to see this as an unpleasant but real possibility. But a woman controlling or abusing a man? This must mean the man is weak and easily manipulated, right? No, not at all. This impression often keeps men from opening up about their abuse and seeking help when they need it.

Assuming that a man recognizes that he’s being abused, he’s likely to resist such an admission. For a man, abuse by his significant other can be emasculating – he can be made to feel that he’s not a real man. He may develop psychological constructs – patterns of behavior or thought to help him minimize and explain away the abuse.

Men may also have a narrower definition of what constitutes abuse in a relationship. Abuse isn’t always just physical. But if you ask a man if he’s experiencing abuse, he may immediately assume you’re asking if he’s being hit by his partner. It’s far more likely that the man experiencing abuse is dealing with emotional, psychological, verbal, or even sexual abuse.

Many men will overlook any form of abuse that isn’t overtly physical and fail to recognize (or admit) what’s happening to them. This blind spot means we fail to notice how much more common abuse among men is than we want to believe.

Abuse Tactics

Manipulation by female partners. Society teaches – rightfully so – that men should never use their physical advantage over women aggressively. An abusive woman might exploit this restraint by giving in to her own anger or manipulative instincts and become verbally or emotionally abusive toward her partner, fully aware that he will not physically retaliate. Women may also employ sexual coercion – that takes the forms of withholding sex, promising sex or sexual acts, or sexual flirtation – as weapons to control or outright hurt them. Men may not recognize this manipulation as a form of abuse – but using anything as a means of controlling your partner, including sex, is certainly abuse.

Psychological abuse. Women may employ psychological abuse tactics, including demeaning the man in their life, undermining their partner’s confidence, or causing the man to feel isolated and dependent. An abusive female partner may…

• socially cut off her partner from friends and normal activities,
• interfere in family relationships,
• make unfounded accusations of infidelity,
• constantly monitor calls, texts, and social media or
• exert financial control, and manipulate or undermine her partner.

Parental alienation. A man’s children may be used against him. Some women may well exert their influence over the children to manipulate and alienate them against the father. They may threaten a father’s access to his children or expose character flaws or behaviors to his children that will turn them against him. This constitutes abusive behavior toward both the father and the children, who are caught in the middle.

If men hesitate to talk about it, seem to not recognize it, and there are no physical signs like bruises or broken bones – how can you tell if a man is being abused in his relationship? Look for these indicators (one or more)…

• Changes in personality – distinct changes in personality in anyone should raise a red flag. It doesn’t always mean abuse, but something is going on. A change in personality –an outgoing person withdraws or a responsible, steady man acts in angry, wild, or irresponsible ways – could signal abuse.
• Being anxious or fearful about his partner’s response – being regularly and overly concerned or anxious about how your partner will respond to you isn’t healthy. It may be a sign of fear that failure to please will result in punitive or abusive measures. This is true for both men and women and can result in communication breakdown.
• Overly apologetic – a person experiencing abuse may become accustomed to unnecessarily apologizing or overexplaining their behavior.
• He needs to check in with his partner repeatedly, and fear of his partner’s responses may cause the need to check in with his partner constantly. If you find that a man’s partner is checking up on him or has trained him to check in more often than seems reasonable, it may be a sign of abuse.
• He seems depressed – in men, depression can manifest as anger, or sadness can be more chronic than a despondent mood.
• Low self-esteem – one effect of abuse that’s consistent among men and women is diminished self-esteem. Becoming unsure of himself in an area where he once was confident may signal that he’s been an overlooked survivor of toxic abuse.
• Alcohol or substance use – men are prone to using alcohol or other substances as a method of self-medicating. Managing emotions and escaping becomes important – drinking more than usual, picking up a cigarette or cannabis smoking habit – consider these warning signs that something may be off.

This is not a comprehensive red flag list, but they are some of the most prevalent signals. If you notice these in yourself or a man you love, it’s time to act.

Stopping the Abuse

Putting a stop to abuse in any relationship is difficult and complicated. It would be nice if it were as easy as just saying “stop” or leaving, but it’s not. Ending abuse is also not easily accomplished alone. People in abusive relationships – male, female, or gender-neutral – find that the support of family, friends, and mental health professionals can help them make the needed changes.

It can be done! We all know that the first step in healing is the hardest. Admitting the abuse exists can definitely be difficult for a man. Once this step is cleared, change can begin. TAR Men and TAR Network™ are here to help people improve their lives, break free from toxic abusive relationships, reclaim their lost identity, improve their well-being, and reconnect with their alienated children one step at a time. It provides men with resources on how to start living their lives to the fullest, free of toxicity.

Join us on Thursday, June 13^th at 10:00 AM EDT for

Men! Have You Stepped in TAR?

To book a FREE place on this unique webinar, please register on Zoom Link Here –

Don’t miss this opportunity to gain knowledge and tools to address TAR and improve your overall health and well-being effectively. For more information, visit the International Men’s Health Week website.

Join us in this global effort to improve men’s health and raise awareness about the issues men face. Let’s step forward together and make a difference.

But what happens when one parent is a narcissist who is adept at gaslighting and manipulation? This article will focus on parental alienation and narcissism.

Parental Alienation

As you may remember from my last post, parental alienation is doing or saying things by one parent to their children against the other, damaging their relationship with the alienated parent.

The damaging parent might cause their children to fear, reject, or even hate the targeted parent as they are painted a picture that is ugly and full of lies.

There are many ways to manipulate children into despising their other parent, including isolating them away from the victim parent, undermining the other parent’s authority, asking their children for information that is negative against the other parent, and emotionally manipulating the children. By far, the most damaging thing done to children is to deny the targeted parent access to them.

Often, the offending parent displays narcissism while pitting the children and their other parent against each other to control and manipulate all involved.

Narcissists and Their Behavior in Divorce

The words narcissist and narcissism are improperly used in our society today to describe someone who doesn’t want to go along with plans or to classify someone in other ultimately silly ways. However, narcissism is nothing to laugh about as it is a severe condition where the narcissist manipulates and bullies people to do what they want.

Another way to describe narcissism is that it is extreme self-involvement by a person to a degree that makes them ignore the needs of those around them. Narcissists understand their behavior but refuse to change.

Narcissism is a trait, but sometimes, it is included as part of a more considerable personality disorder called narcissistic personality disorder on a spectrum. There are some common traits of narcissists, including the following.

A sense of entitlement. Narcissists believe that they are superior to others and deserve special treatment. They also think others should obey their wishes and that the general rules of society don’t apply to them.

When a narcissist faces a divorce, they feel they no longer have control over their ex-spouse, so they exert pressure on them by using the children as weapons, attempting to convince them their other parent is bad.

Manipulating. Narcissists use manipulation and controlling behavior. They draw in their victims by first trying to please and impress you, but soon, their needs will come first. Narcissists try to keep their victims close to maintain control, and they will exploit others to gain something they want.

Divorce means that their ex-spouse has escaped their manipulative grasp, and they think they should be punished. To exert control over their ex, narcissists will use their children as pawns to frustrate and harm them. Narcissists are supreme manipulators and will not stop alienating the other parent, tearing their children apart.

Lack of empathy for others. Narcissists are unwilling or unable to empathize with other people, choosing instead to ignore their wants, needs, and feelings. Their lack of empathy makes narcissists not take responsibility for their actions.

Children of narcissists, especially in a divorce situation, find the controlling parent using them to get back at the other parent and ignoring the fact that their children need love and understanding during such a tough time.

Narcissists believe they are wholly justified in destroying their ex and their children and do not take responsibility for their behaviors.

Tools Narcissistic Parents Use

Unfortunately for children, having a narcissistic parent in a divorce situation harms them and is a form of child abuse. The offending narcissistic parent may utilize a variety of tools to harm their ex using their children.

Triangulation is a standard manipulative tool that occurs when the offending parent vents to the children, causing them to bear the weight of the conflict, and sometimes uses the children to spy on the other parent. Being constantly told nasty things about the other parent and spying on them sets the children up for abandonment and attachment problems.

Another tool a narcissistic parent may employ includes gaslighting, where the offending parent distorts and denies reality while also making the children feel the need to defend the other parent. When the children do try to defend the other parent, the narcissistic parent will manipulate them back into their fold. The conflict the children feel is overwhelming.

There are as many tools that a narcissistic parent will use as there are children whose growth is stunted by their behavior.

Ending Our Time Together

To recap, narcissistic parental alienation happens when a parent with narcissistic traits maliciously alienates their children from their other parent. The offending parent accomplishes parental alienation by attacking the other parent’s character in front of their children.

Unfortunately, the vicious behavior by the narcissistic parent often leads to the children disliking and rejecting the other parent who is innocent of the things the offending parent said.

The available evidence suggests that parental alienation occurs in very tense separations and divorces, particularly if there is a bitter child custody battle. Unfortunately for the children, the offending parent uses cruel and callous words and behaviors, harming not only their intended target, the other parent but also the children.

Clearly, children who are raised where there is parental alienation often form mental health problems such as depression, anxiety disorders, and other serious conditions. Their physical health may also be affected as they may turn to food for comfort and gain significant amounts of weight, or conversely, refuse to eat and become anorexic. These conditions are only the tip of the iceberg for the number of physical and mental problems children in this situation face.

No matter how the situation unfolds, parental alienation is a severe and illegal form of child abuse that significantly harms the children involved.

Pride

CPTSD Foundation wishes to invite you to our Pride Program, which is offered weekly on Circle. In Pride, we discuss important topics related to complex trauma and how it has affected our lives. The program is led by a fantastic person who understands the issues facing the LGBTQIA+ community.

Come as you are, take what you like, and leave the rest.

The program is offered every Thursday at 7 pm Eastern time through the Circle app. If you are interested, you can find information here. If you are interested, don’t hesitate to contact the support team of CPTSD Foundation and sign up.

We look forward to seeing you there.

Trauma-Informed Partner Support

Since CPTSD Foundation began, we’ve understood the critical role that supportive partners play in the life of a trauma survivor. Spouses, partners, caregivers, siblings, and anyone who is directly involved in the daily life of an adult survivor of complex trauma.

This program provides that safe place of encouragement, support, information, and validation that supportive partners and helpers need. You are safe here, among others who understand the challenges of helping a survivor navigate daily life.

Learn more about this unique program that focuses on encouraging and equipping you, the supportive partner, as you help care for the survivor in your life and yourself.