When I reflect on the earliest parts of my childhood, from approximately the ages of four to eight, the thing that stands out to me the most is how much I cried.  And those weren’t just ordinary tears but heaving, gulping, breathless sobs, often to the point that I became hysterical and couldn’t breathe.  To this day, I can still hear those cries of pain, harsh, guttural sounds, almost like nails down a chalkboard.  Sometimes I have an urge to put my hands over my ears to drown out those awful noises from so long ago when I flash back to that time of my life.

My childhood was filled with abuse, sexual, verbal, and physical, by my mom and the many sick men she brought into our lives.  We moved frequently, from city to city, state to state, and school to school.  Too many moves to count.  Due to the many moves, I never had the opportunity to form long-lasting relationships with my childhood friends, nor did I get to know my extended family.  I grew up a lonely, depressed, and terrified child, and those feelings only worsened as the years passed.

My earliest childhood memories of my mother were of her constant yelling and anger.  Even though my mom was one of the biggest abusers in my young life, my love for her ran deep, a love that, to this day, I still struggle to describe.

Despite the daily abuse I suffered, I tried everything in my power to make my mom love and accept me.  A smile, a word of encouragement, maybe even an occasional hug would have meant the world to me.  Unfortunately, it seemed every time my mother looked at me, it was with eyes filled with hatred.  But in those early years of my childhood, my head was firmly buried in the sand to my mother’s many flaws.  I overlooked it all, desperate for her love and acceptance.

Often, my mother would get so angry at my attempts to get close to her that she would start yelling.

“WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT FROM ME?  I OWE YOU NOTHING!  GODDAMNIT, NOTHING!  I CAN’T WAIT UNTIL YOU’RE AN ADULT!”

I never knew what to make of those words, but I heard them often.  Sometimes my mother would get so angry that she would start hitting me.  Repeated slaps to the head were my mother’s favorite form of discipline, and it wouldn’t take long until I was in hysterics, crying so hard that I couldn’t breathe.

My mother hated loud noises, and when she heard my cries of pain, that would start a whole new level of verbal abuse.

“SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP!  GODDMAN IT, MORRENE, STOP THAT FUCKING CRYING!  RIGHT NOW!”   

By the time I was in fourth grade, I had learned to swallow my tears of pain and suffer in silence.  No tears, no talking while I was being abused.  Nothing.  Without my realizing it, that stoic attitude that I had adopted while I was being abused left me with the inability to cry.  Some days, it felt like the painful lump in my throat of unshed tears was the size of Texas.  As much as I yearned for the emotional release of a good cry, the tears wouldn’t come.  And on the rare occasion when I could squeeze out a few tears, they left me feeling guilty and ashamed as my mom’s cruel voice from the past would echo in my head SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP!   

A few years ago, I went to a three-day music festival with a couple of friends.  The only accommodation we had to sleep in was a tent and some sleeping bags.  I was in my mid-50s at the time, and sleeping on the hard ground in a tent does not ensure a good night’s rest, at least for me, but I went anyway, desperately needing some excitement in my life.

I first started experiencing insomnia when I was seven years old, and that painful condition only got worse as the years went on and the stress in my life increased.  The only thing that helped me sleep was taking sleeping pills.  Unfortunately, I had forgotten to bring them with me.  Everything was working against me that night as far as getting enough rest.  Little did I know, even though I was frustrated by what I was sure was going to be another sleepless night, this was setting me up for a fantastic healing moment from my childhood.

That night, as my friends and I retired to our respective sleeping bags, after I lay down, I silently prayed that I would get some sleep, any amount of sleep, even if a few hours.  Unfortunately, I got none.  Not one wink.

The next day, I was exhausted.  After my friends and I ate breakfast, we walked around the festival, looking at the various arts and crafts available for sale and listening to the music.  After a while, we wandered back to our little campground to rest.  I was tired and decided to lie down and see if I could get some sleep while my friends sat outside and talked.

After I lay down, I could feel my tight muscles relaxing, and my mind started to drift.  As I lay there in a half-wake, half-sleep state, suddenly I was transported back to the bedroom of the house we lived in when I was 15 years old.  I was arguing with my mother’s fourth husband, who was one of my biggest abusers.  I had always remembered that argument we had that day and how angry we both were.  I remember him slapping my face, then everything went black in that memory, almost like a curtain closing after a play. Completely black.  The next thing I remember was hearing the crunch of car tires on the gravel driveway as my mom and my stepfather left to go somewhere.  I remember going into the bathroom, desperately searching through the cabinets looking for something to commit suicide with.  I found nothing.

For years, that was all I remembered.  But the biggest question in my mind when that memory flashed in my head was Why did I want to commit suicide?  There was a lot of fighting in my house at that time.  What about this particular fight would make me want to end my life?  That was a question I asked myself for years, each time that memory popped up.

But that day, everything that happened in that room came back to me with terrifying clarity.  In addition to having my face slapped, my mother’s husband grabbed me by the arm and slammed me up against the wall.  Then he threw me on the bed and violently raped me.  As this scene played out in my head, my breath came in short gasps, my heart pounded nervously in my chest, and terrified adrenaline raced through my body, the same feelings I felt that day.

And, let me tell you, the floodgates opened as far as the tears.  Finally, FINALLY, I was able to cry.  And I cried just like I had as a young child before the tears stopped, great big heaving, gulping, breathless sobs.  Instead of my cries sounding harsh like I had remembered, they sounded like beautiful music to my ears.

As the tears spilled from my eyes, they felt like liquid silk as they flowed down my face, warmly caressing my cheeks, dripping down my chin, and onto my chest.  It seemed those just tears wouldn’t stop.  And I welcomed every one of those healing tears, thankful that I was able to release the pain.

Photo by Mohamed Nohassi on Unsplash

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Morrene Hauser

Morrene Hauser currently lives in Central Ohio. For a little over 30 years she ran and operated her own business as a court reporter. Upon retirement Morrene started writing about the many wonderful animals she had while growing up and the powerful impact they have had on her life.  Morrene also writes about mental health.

The fawn response is the least recognized of the four primary trauma reactions: fight, flight, freeze, and fawn. While the first three are more familiar in both psychology and pop culture, fawning often flies under the radar because it doesn’t look like fear. It looks like being helpful, agreeable, and selfless. But under the surface, it’s a survival strategy wired into the nervous system to avoid conflict, maintain attachment, and stay safe.

What Is the Fawn Response?

Coined by therapist Pete Walker, the fawn response refers to a trauma-driven pattern of people-pleasing behaviors designed to diffuse danger when the brain senses threat, especially social or relational threat. The survivor may instinctively placate, appease, or over-accommodate.

Research in polyvagal theory, developed by Dr. Stephen Porges, helps explain why this happens. When fight, flight, or freeze aren’t viable options—as is often the case in childhood trauma, domestic violence, or institutional abuse—the nervous system defaults to fawning to stay safe. It’s a biologically embedded attempt to maintain a connection with those who may also be the source of a threat.

What begins as a protective strategy becomes a deeply ingrained personality pattern. Over time, many survivors confuse the fawn response with their identity, unaware that their constant accommodating is actually trauma playing out in slow motion.

What It Looks Like in Real Life

People who operate from the fawn response often exhibit:

• Chronic people-pleasing and approval-seeking
• Avoidance of conflict at any cost
• Over-apologizing, even when not at fault
• Feeling responsible for others’ emotions
• Struggling to set or enforce boundaries
• Difficulty identifying their own needs

These patterns are often rewarded in society—especially in women and marginalized groups—which makes them even harder to detect. Being seen as “nice,” “helpful,” or “loyal” can reinforce fawning behaviors that are actually rooted in fear, not authenticity.

In professional settings, fawning might look like never saying no to extra tasks, tolerating mistreatment from superiors, or downplaying achievements to avoid attention. In relationships, it can manifest as staying silent about unmet needs, walking on eggshells, or becoming emotionally invisible to preserve peace.

The Psychological Toll of Fawning

Though it appears calm on the surface, the fawn response takes a significant psychological toll. It can lead to:

• Emotional exhaustion and burnout
• Resentment and repressed anger
• Identity erosion (not knowing who you are without others’ needs guiding you)
• Depersonalization or dissociation
• Anxiety, depression, and complex PTSD

Long-term fawning also inhibits healing. It keeps survivors locked in trauma-informed behavior patterns that prevent true emotional intimacy and self-trust. While other trauma responses may draw more attention, fawning quietly corrodes a survivor’s sense of agency.

Why It’s So Hard to Recognize

Unlike fight or flight, fawning is socially rewarded. Kindness is a virtue, and empathy is crucial in any society—but when those traits are compulsively used to manage fear or prevent abandonment, they become survival tools, not values. That distinction is subtle but critical.

Trauma-informed behavioral profiling shows that fawning is not about being nice—it’s about being safe. Survivors may feel discomfort when praised for being “so easy to work with” or “always willing to help,” because somewhere inside, they know the behavior isn’t truly a choice.

Fawning is often misdiagnosed as low self-esteem or social anxiety. In reality, it’s a deeply rehearsed pattern born from environments where saying no, expressing anger, or having needs led to punishment or withdrawal.

Pathways to Recovery

Healing from the fawn response requires more than setting boundaries. It requires reclaiming the nervous system’s sense of safety.

Some strategies include:

• Working with trauma-informed professionals who understand CPTSD and the fawn response
• Learning to tolerate the discomfort of healthy conflict
• Rebuilding connection to one’s own preferences, needs, and limits
• Somatic practices to regulate the nervous system
• Reframing self-worth as intrinsic, not earned through service or sacrifice

True kindness is not self-erasure. It’s grounded in authenticity, not appeasement.

Closing Thoughts

Many survivors live decades unaware that their most praised traits—generosity, agreeableness, and loyalty—may actually be coping mechanisms forged in trauma. The fawn response isn’t who you are. It’s survival skills – that is, what you learned to do to stay alive.

Recognizing this pattern isn’t about shame—it’s about clarity. And with clarity comes the quiet power to rewire the fear-driven patterns and rebuild a life led by choice, not compulsion.

This isn’t about fixing your personality. It’s about finally hearing your own voice underneath the noise of survival.

Photo by Adrian Swancar on Unsplash

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Dr. Mozelle Martin

Dr. Mozelle Martin is a retired trauma therapist and former Clinical Director of a trauma center, with extensive experience in forensic psychology, criminology, and applied ethics. A survivor of childhood and young adulthood trauma, Dr. Martin has dedicated decades to understanding the psychological and ethical complexities of trauma, crime, and accountability. Her career began as a volunteer in a women’s domestic violence shelter, then as a SA hospital advocate, later becoming a Crisis Therapist working alongside law enforcement on the streets of Phoenix. She went on to earn an AS in Psychology, a BS in Forensic Psychology, an MA in Criminology, and a PhD in Applied Ethics, ultimately working extensively in forensic mental health—providing psychological assessments, intervention, and rehabilitative support with inmates and in the community. A published author and lifelong student of life, she continues to explore the relationship and crossovers of forensic science, mental health, and ethical accountability in both historical and modern contexts.

www.InkProfiler.com

They walk like us, they talk like us, and they may even have pristine reputations in their communities. However, nothing can prepare a victim for the way her life will change once a psychological abuser “picks” her.

A psychological abuser’s goal is to utilize mental tantalization to break a victim’s psyche down over time, make her appear crazy, and isolate her from mutual connections without leaving a trail of evidence. After you’re discarded from a relationship with one of these personalities, the abuser will spit seething venom at you, disempowering you and removing your humanity and self-worth. They don’t care who you were before, during, or after your relationship with them, as they utilize hot and cold behavior to make you question your reality. You’re not a human being; you’re a commodity to be exploited in their game of life. To these personalities, everything is your fault. No matter how many nice things you do for them, nothing is good enough. No matter who you are, what you say, or what you do, your existence enrages them. If you look them in the eyes, there’s nothing there — almost as if they have no conscience. Even being given the “death glare” or “sociopathic stare” by one of these people is enough to transfer that intense hatred of you into yourself and make your body shake. Their sadism lurks behind a facade of innocence.

Who is the Psychological Abuser? 

Psychological abusers are emotional toddlers in adult bodies. The abuse doesn’t have to happen in a romantic or familial relationship, as is most commonly discussed. Abuse can occur in any type of relationship or environment—schools, workplaces, churches, or any communities where humans gather. Abusers have plenty of experience — they typically have multiple victims. While psychological abuse can be so crafty that the victim might even question if she is really a victim, they know exactly what they do to you, and they enjoy it. But the words “abuser” and “bully” are the last words they would use to describe themselves. They don’t think they are doing anything wrong.

While it isn’t possible for victims to diagnose these types of people, just be aware that they have serious pathological issues consisting of narcissistic, sociopathic, and psychopathic tendencies. I don’t typically subscribe to using the word “normal” to describe human behavior because of the history of the word being used to ostracize people who do not conform to groupthink. However, I’m fine with using the word “normal” to describe healthy people in relation to these abusive personalities. Psychological abusers live in an entirely different reality than normal people do.

Who Do Abusers Target? 

Abusers target people who have something they do not or cannot have themselves. Since nothing is ever good enough for them, they envy those who are content with themselves. They typically target empaths — people who have an innate joy and genuine gratitude for life, see every human being as worthy of love and tend to see the good in others. Their animosity toward empaths comes from a place of not being able to fathom how another person can have that much joy regardless of life circumstances. 

Abusers can work alone or in groups. Typically, they eventually rope “flying monkeys” into their games — minions who either overtly or covertly help the abuser perpetrate the abuse. Often, these flying monkeys do not even know the victim personally. Since the abuse is so insidious, even these flying monkeys might not understand the full extent of the torment inflicted on the victim. If these supporting actors could see the full extent of the abuse, they may stop being pawns in the abuser’s destructive game. Unfortunately, most of these flying monkeys don’t want to understand the harm they’re complicit in, but they want to be part of the group and win the abuser’s praise, and they get their own power trip satisfied in the process.

For reference, The term “flying monkey” comes from The Wizard of Oz. The Wicked Witch of the West puts them under her spell.

The Average Person Does Not Understand Psychological Abuse

Psychological abuse can be an amorphous force, very difficult for an outsider to detect. Abusers often charm other people close to their victims, so these people have no reason to believe that the abuser is doing anything wrong to them. Outsiders may even ask, “What did they even do to you?”

It’s sneaky. As the victim, I couldn’t even fully put it into words myself. This is precisely why abusers utilize psychological abuse as their weapon of choice. They are crafty enough to know that if they did it in any other way, they would “get caught” by outsiders. The victim may be told that she’s “overthinking it” or that it’s “just how she’s perceiving it.” The power dynamics, manipulation, hot and cold behavior, gaslighting, and mind games form a Stockholm Syndrome-style trauma bond, which makes the victim believe: “Maybe they’ll eventually give me closure.” The victim may come across as “unable to move on” from the relationship when, in reality, she is wrestling with that trauma bond as she tries to fathom what is being done to her after the discard and seek a resolution to the tension. 

The mind games taunt the victim with a false hope for closure and an ending to the sick games, but that closure never comes. If victims question what’s going on, perpetrators use tactics like gaslighting and denial to pretend like nothing is happening and boomerang the blame back onto the true victim, further making her question her own reality. They may even try to convince others, and even themselves, that they are the victims. Don’t be fooled. They are not victims.

Abusers want their victims to spend their time wondering what they did wrong, but the only thing they did “wrong” was threaten their inflated ego by simply existing in their vicinity. Their tactics come from a need to control their environment and manipulate the people around them so that their world is centered around the one and only thing that matters: themselves. 

Some Mental Health Professionals Misunderstand Psychological Abuse

During my years in the mental health system, I tried bringing up some of these situations to the clinicians I saw, believing that they would be able to help me understand the painful symptoms I was experiencing in my body as a result. What I learned, though, was that many medical professionals don’t understand this type of abuse and will even go as far as to blame and retraumatize the victim further. 

After these gut-wrenching experiences with professionals I opened my heart to, I took active steps to seek out experts trained to handle victims of psychological abuse. The professional I started working with was so helpful, and she was open about being a survivor herself. 

Having felt victimized by other mental health professionals when I first met with her, I still wasn’t sure if what I had endured was abuse or if I was truly a victim. I had a list of all the things I had experienced as a result of what I had been through, many of which the medical system had previously written off as “all in my head,” giving me outlandish diagnoses. I also “confessed” all my reactions to the abuse along the lines of fight, flight, freeze, and fawn reactions. Some of those trauma responses were made out of dissociation. I felt so guilty for these reactions, and I felt like this professional needed to know how “awful” I was for making my abusers uncomfortable with my attempts to reconcile the tension. In my case, I was not a victim of just one psychological abuser. I was a victim of more than one perpetrator, and they banded together to target me, feeding off each other. 

After going through my laundry list of symptoms and reactions with this professional, I put my notebook down and looked up at her with eyes full of tears. I waited for her to tell me that I was a horrible person and that I had done everything wrong. I waited for her to laugh at me. I waited for her to tell me I was crazy. I waited for her to tell me that perhaps I was the abuser myself. And I waited for her to kick me out of her office since I was probably too much to deal with. 

She paused for a while and looked me in the eyes, saying, “You did nothing wrong. And it’s not just in your head. Everything you’ve shared tells me that you were targeted by psychological abusers.” 

Getting that validation was incredible for me. As a survivor herself and an expert researcher on the subject, nothing phased her—she had heard it all. She reassured me that everything I was experiencing was perfectly normal. I felt so seen, validated, and heard for the first time in so long. It often takes someone who has survived the same thing to truly understand where a victim is coming from, and I finally received that validation from someone who understood. As I looked into the eyes of another survivor who had been in my exact shoes, even though she was a trained professional much older, both of our eyes teared up, and we shared a humbling moment of our hearts touching one another. My work with her was transformative in understanding the reality of what I had been through and overcoming my self-guilt. 

Many Do Not Understand It, But Psychological Abuse is Insidious

Psychological abuse is real, and it is insidious. There are times when flashbacks and emotions still come up for me, but I implement grounding and nervous system regulation tools to remind myself that I am safe.

Survivors, while you may feel incredibly isolated in healing from this despicable form of hidden abuse, know that there is a community of C-PTSD survivors who have been or are in your shoes. We are all healing together. From one survivor to another, you are so strong, and I believe that you can overcome it.  

Photo by Lil Artsy on Pexels

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Natalie Rose

My name is Natalie, and I am a survivor of about 13 years of absolute psychological torture from Complex PTSD symptoms. For the longest time, I thought I was inherently sick and broken beyond repair. I spent over a decade running around in circles in the medical system trying to figure out what was “wrong” with me and how to “fix” it.

♡ What is Complex PTSD? ♡

Complex PTSD symptoms come from severe, prolonged, and numerous incidents of trauma, typically of a relational nature. Symptoms can come from any type of trauma, though, and the trauma doesn’t necessarily have to stem from childhood — adults can develop CPTSD as well. Trauma can damage the brain and shrink the hippocampus, causing many of the symptoms of CPTSD. I decided to go public with my story to be a voice for the voiceless. There are too many survivors being told CPTSD is a lifelong sentence, and they are not being given the tools they need to overcome their symptoms.

♡ My Story ♡

I endured multiple types of traumas starting at around age thirteen, including numerous situations of both individual and large-group interpersonal cruelty. Some of these situations forced me to switch environments. My body couldn’t fathom what was happening, and my nervous system shut down. I saw danger everywhere, operated in a panicked survival mode, and lived in fear, anxiety, and isolation. I did my best to appear “normal” on the outside, keep a smile on my face, and control what was happening on the inside, distracting myself with extreme workaholism and doing nice things for others. I took active steps to keep branching out in confidence again, but these traumas kept piling onto each other and overlapping. I wasn’t ready to give up yet, though, because I knew my family and friends would be distraught if I did. The most difficult and heartbreaking part of my story is that the two communities I set out to seek healing in—religion and the medical system itself—caused further trauma when some religious leaders, congregation members, and medical professionals chose to take advantage of my vulnerability for their own motives. In most of these situations, I didn’t even realize I was a victim until outsiders pointed it out for me and that my vulnerability made me a target of malicious people. Each future situation of being targeted was just salt on the wound of the original incident.

♡ My Struggles to Find Answers ♡

What I went through all those years was so severe, and my symptoms and physical body reactions as a result were so excruciating that I went as far as to see a neurologist, concerned that my symptoms were the result of some sort of nervous system disorder. However, he returned with no paperwork in his hands to inform me that there was nothing wrong with me but that I was simply completely traumatized, and my body reacted accordingly. I finally realized that my symptoms were not the result of an inherent mental or physical illness and began to take a trauma-based approach to my healing after many years of believing that I was “sick” for the rest of my life. My true progress began when I finally rejected the lies that were told to me that I would have to manage my symptoms for the rest of my life and made the decision to believe that I was fully capable of healing from my excruciating pain.

♡ Finding My Own Healing ♡

I am excited to share tips for natural, somatic, and holistic healing that have helped me overcome things like dissociation, flashbacks, sleep challenges, anxiety, hypervigilance, and more. I began to pursue unique methods of healing after many years of not seeing much progress through westernized care, and this was the catalyst for fast-tracking my healing. I aim to help survivors overcome their feelings of self-guilt, blame, and humiliation and help them realize that their bodies had normal reactions to abnormal situations.

I’m so glad I didn’t give up when my pain felt unbearable. I know what I’ve survived. I know the work I’ve put in to overcome it. I am finally living a life of consistent peace and contentment, and I am sharing my story from the other side. I hope to encourage other survivors that there was never anything wrong with them to begin with and that they are capable of living healthy, happy, and fulfilled lives. I aim to live my life in love of both others and myself, understanding that everyone has a story of their own. I am grateful to the CPTSD Foundation for giving me an opportunity to share my story.

♡ Personal Blog ♡

To learn more about my healing journey, please visit my personal blog, “Little Cabin Life,” at:
littlecabinlife.com

Rape Crisis: England and Wales give the following statistics: Between October 2022 and September 2023: 1 in 4 women (6.54 million in total) have been raped or sexually assaulted;
1 in 6 children have been sexually abused;
1 in 18 men (1.34 million in total) have been raped or sexually abused – as adults.

On the 15th of March 2024, Rape Crisis published the following article: Alarming scale of sexual violence and abuse on mental health wards. It reads: “These investigations have uncovered deeply concerning incidents and safeguarding failures within mental health inpatient settings – almost 4,000 sexual safety ‘incidents’ were reported between January and August 2023, perpetrated by a combination of professionals and fellow patients. We commend the enormous courage and tenacity of the survivors who came forward to speak about their experiences of sexual harassment, rape and sexual abuse, raising awareness of this issue.”

Charlotte Lynch, for LBC, wrote, on January 2024: 139 Met officers reinvestigated for rape and sexual abuse after being allowed to keep their jobs. “They  (The Operation Onyx  Team) checked 1,418 officers and 218 staff for missed investigative opportunities, which resulted in 139 live rape and sexual abuse investigations now being dealt with by the Domestic Abuse and Sexual Offences team.” 

Vikram Dodd, Police and crime correspondent for The Guardian, on Fri 9 Feb 2024: Met officers dissuaded children from making sexual abuse claims, report finds “Other failures listed in the damning official report include blaming children for ‘making poor choices’ Metropolitan police officers tried to put off children from making complaints about alleged sexual abuse and privately blamed young people for crimes suffered, a damning official report has revealed. Most investigations into child exploitation were rated as inadequate by His Majesty’s Inspectorate of Constabulary (HMIC). Of the 244 cases it examined, 43 were graded as good, more than half (121) as inadequate and 80 as needing improvement.”

On the 3rd if September 2023, Ed Thomas – Special Correspondent – published on BBC News: Family courts: Children forced into contact with fathers accused of abuse. It reads: “Dozens of children have been forced into contact with fathers accused of abuse, a study has found. In some cases in the research, revealed for the first time by the BBC, the fathers were convicted paedophiles. In all cases, fathers had used a disputed concept in court known as “parental alienation”. The heartbreaking stories in the article demonstrate the little support found by protective mothers/parents, who are further abused by ex-partners and by the judicial system, separating them from their children and destroying lives instead of protecting them.
On the 17th of April 2024, Sanchia Berg, for BBC News, wrote:  Paedophiles could be stripped of parental rights under a new law

Speaking to BBC News, “Ms Harman said paedophiles who were guilty of that crime in the future would be “automatically deprived” of their parental rights.”  This is long overdue and needs to be implemented as soon as possible.

All these statistics and figures are just the tip of the iceberg. They certainly don’t reflect the profound damages (in mind, body and spirit) rape and sexual abuse/assault have on victims. For the last few years. There have been a few scandals relating to “celebrities” and individuals regarded as “powerful” and “hiding in plain sight.” Harvey Weinstein, Donald Trump, Epstein, Dan Schneider, Jimmy Saville. The list is endless. The same pattern occurs when those public figures are pulled out of the shadows, victims are treated as liars and publicly shamed: “Why did the victims speak sooner?” or “Instead of talking to journalists, why not go to the police?” Victims go to the police, and victims speak out (loud and clear), but they are the ones being relentlessly bullied: “Did you say NO?” – “Did you make it clear you didn’t want to?” “S/he/they are too powerful. Nobody will believe you.” – “It is just the s/he/they are! Let it go.”

Let’s not let the “high profile cases” make us forget all the children and adult victims and survivors in danger of sexual assault on a daily basis, at home, by a parent, a sibling, a family member, the church Priest, or the Scout coach. Perpetrators are everywhere. They are skilled liars and groom everyone around them to hide their dirty secrets, but it is clear that there is always some “rumour” or at least one person notices something but brushes it under the carpet. It isn’t that they are hiding in plain sight, it is that too many people know, but turn a blind eye.

The focus on prevention is missing the mark. Whilst educating children about personal and physical space and boundaries, “No, you can’t touch me there.” – “No, I don’t want to. Stop this” is important; it places the responsibility on the victims to stop the abuse when they, often, are too young to understand what is done to them and too young to defend themselves against an adult. The same goes for adults, especially women; “Don’t go home late and alone. Don’t listen to music when walking. Don’t wear this or that” and, again, the famous: “Make sure you make it clear: No is No” A rapist doesn’t care what a victim does or says.

A reminder: the only person entirely at fault is the abuser.

So, what needs to be done – beyond lovely slogans, #s, and prevention?

Education is needed to break all victims’ shaming and blaming myths.

Victims (big and small, and all genders) need safe places to go to and loving, supportive people around them. They need someone who holds space for all their emotions and experiences. They need to be heard.
They need professionals who do their job properly, defending them and holding the perpetrators to account.
Allies – non-abusive parents and carers – must be included in children’s care and safety plan and supported alongside their children.
Regardless of status, position of “authority”, bank accounts sizes, ALL PEPETRATORS should be arrested and face the consequences of their actions.
Law and legislation need to be changed so that supportive and protective parents can keep their children with them.

There is much to do and to be changed. Oftentimes, it feels hopeless.

Take gentle care of yourselves.

Sylvie

Helpful websites:

WE STAND: “Child sexual abuse affects the whole family. It can fracture family relationships and creates lasting trauma. We Stand takes a unique whole family approach to supporting victims of child sexual abuse and their non-abusing parents, carers, and siblings. We aim to ensure that all families impacted by child sexual abuse are supported to move on positively with their lives.”
Helping Survivors: “Our goal is to help people who have been impacted by sexual assault and abuse get the resources and assistance they need and deserve.”

The Survivors Trust – to find support in your local area

Sylvie Rouhani

Writer – Blogger – Poet – Mental Health and Child Abuse Activist

Deputy Editor and Journalist for Taxpayers Against Poverty

Author of The Blossoming Lotus”

https://www.austinmacauley.com/book/blossoming-lotus

New Website: Breaking The Cycles

https://breakingthecycles.co.uk/

breakingthecycles.co.uk

At the beginning of  July, I received a package: copies of my book and promotional material.  I danced around my flat, my heart racing with excitement and butterflies in my stomach. I met a dear friend and we celebrated. As the week went on, I started to be overwhelmed by a sense of doom, futility, and fear. Hello, old friends.

I had it all planned, in my head and I had already approached my local bookshop for a possible book launch there. All week, it seemed impossible to get the ball rolling on that. I felt a sense of urgency. The panic to get things done and quickly. I didn’t want to miss out on any opportunity. I needed to accomplish things so as not to become a failure. I felt as if I’d done something terribly wrong or that something terribly wrong was just around the corner, in the shape of my cruel mother, mocking me, and punishing me for not succeeding at anything, before I even started anything. I was experiencing strong emotional flashbacks, from distraught inner parts.

For a few days, I kept a copy of my book, by my side. ” I created this! ME!” It seemed unreal. I slowly shared to great news with my closest and dearest. I received a lot of congratulatory texts and voice messages; “Wow, you are amazing.” or “Well done!” I wasn’t able to fully welcome those sweet words. I felt so anxious, I experienced stomach and chest pains for a few days. I felt low. It was quite similar to what I described in my previous article “The Pleasures of Life” But, this time, even more intense. A part of me was rejecting the praises. “All they see is the result but, they don’t know how I truly feel.”   Some might think of the book as a TOTAL victory over my past, but it isn’t.

Because it has been a while since I felt overwhelmed by emotional flashbacks, it reminded me, that, although I have been going through deep emotional and spiritual healing for the last few months, I carry parts of me that are afraid, terribly afraid. There are things I carry that might never go away. I still have days when I need to rest. The world outside is full of love and joy, yes, but, at the moment the darkness seems to take more space. I hate going out in busy places, using public transport is very stressful. I need my routine, to keep calm. 

So I eased myself into this by slowly reaching out to a wider audience on Social Media. “Here is The Blossoming Lotus” I reached out to my friends who, as always, understood my emotional experience. I meditated and used the New Moon’s energy to sever all cords still shakling me to my mother. (The new moon is always a great time to release and invite something new.) I saw Mother in her own bubble of light and me, in my own. I saw her floating away… away and disappearing. I then welcomed the energy and the Love of the Divine Mother. It occurred to me, I no longer needed my “human mother” who brought me so much pain, it nearly killed me a few times. All the Love I need is here and now, within me all around me.

” After years of feeling heartbroken and orphaned, I feel now I can leave the past in the past – more than ever before anyway.”

I went away for a few days. It was a welcomed break. It was still an emotional time, being back in France in an area I avoided for decades, meeting a half-brother and his family. I even met a long-lost half-sister. I never had a father but I have found a loving and caring family. After years of feeling heartbroken and orphaned, I feel now I can leave the past in the past – more than ever before anyway. I have experienced acceptance and the freedom to be myself as I have never experienced with family.

One evening, after my mini break, before sleeping and focusing on the Divine Mother, I felt Her cuddling me, soothing me as I saw “Baby Sylvie”, this new-born inner part who was never wanted nor loved. I felt this inner baby feeling loved, comforted, and soothed for the 1st time. As the days passed, I had a strong inner knowing I was no longer in a space filled with and ruled by abuse, neglect, and emotional pounding reducing me to a miniature size. I now occupy a bigger energy space, filled with Love, Compassion, joy, and goodness that I readily share, first of all, with my daughter and friends and, then with the wider world.

“Of course, we need to celebrate achievements and lives, but space is also needed for tender loving care and support, through emotions, even if they seem contradictory to the joyful events occurring in the present time.”

We live in a society that solely focuses on external results and success. People hear of victims and survivors of child abuse stories and it makes great movies, books, great TED Talks. Of course, it gives hope and inspiration. We certainly NEED hope and inspiration. However, It seems to be so easy to forget someone’s pain and challenges: “Oh, look, She has a job/ opened an exhibit (…) , she is fine!” or “Wow, he has been through so much, it is amazing!” Of course, we need to celebrate achievements and lives, but space is also needed for tender loving care and support, through emotions, even if they seem contradictory to the joyful events occurring in the present time.

Let’s celebrate our achievement, yes, but, let’s not forget that, for some victims and survivors of child abuse, “victories” might be a time of confusion and stress. All the love and all the praises, from the Universe/ the Divine Mother (or God/ Goddess) and from people around me, can be very overwhelming to some of my inner parts. This recent energic shift I experienced, and now occupy, is new territory so, of course, it is going to feel uncomfortable. During difficult times and even during times of celebration, I now know I need to take gentle care of myself and ease into things.

I believe we are all beings of light, living a complex human life, in a complex human world. Gently does it.

Sylvie

You can also read: “Child Sexual Abuse: when healing is painful” on Winter Turns into Spring.

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Sylvie Rouhani

Writer – Blogger – Poet – Mental Health and Child Abuse Activist

Deputy Editor and Journalist for Taxpayers Against Poverty

Author of The Blossoming Lotus”

https://www.austinmacauley.com/book/blossoming-lotus

New Website: Breaking The Cycles

https://breakingthecycles.co.uk/

breakingthecycles.co.uk

Lately, there seems to be an increasing trend wherein the term “PTSD” (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) is thrown around in casual conversations, often pertaining to mild inconveniences or day-to-day challenges. I’ve heard statements like, “I have PTSD from that awful exam” or “That movie gave me PTSD!” While these statements are most likely meant in jest, they gloss over the profound impact and weight the condition carries for those truly diagnosed with PTSD or its more intense variant, C-PTSD (Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder).

For those unfamiliar with C-PTSD, it’s a condition that stems from prolonged exposure to traumatic events, often during critical developmental periods such as childhood.

The effects are deep-seated and pervasive, impacting nearly every facet of our lives, from our relationships to our self-worth. It isn’t just about “having a bad day.” It’s about reliving traumatic moments day in and day out, experiencing emotional flashbacks, and constantly grappling with a heightened state of alertness, expecting danger even in the safest environments.

When PTSD is made light of, the message is that our experiences are just simple overreactions or that we’re being histrionic. Such a limited understanding equates trauma with common daily stresses or short-lived negative experiences. But let’s be clear: PTSD and C-PTSD aren’t about a generally bad day or experience. These disorders involve traumatic events that have left a lasting mark on our psyche.

Using PTSD as a catch-all phrase for distress also overlooks the real stigma that survivors face. There’s a pervasive myth that those with PTSD are unstable and dangerous. Many of us are hesitant to disclose our diagnoses for fear of being perceived as “damaged” or “broken.” We struggle in silence, hiding our pain, and overcompensating so as not to appear weak. The casual misrepresentation of PTSD only serves to further isolate us.

The widespread misuse of the term PTSD can also create more challenges for those who genuinely suffer from PTSD or C-PTSD, particularly when they seek help or wish to be taken seriously. By making it “fashionable” or trendy, we run the risk of watering down the severity and the recognition of real symptoms.

I hope for a world where mental health issues, including PTSD and C-PTSD, are understood and respected. While it’s essential to create an open dialogue about mental health and break the silence surrounding trauma, it’s equally crucial to ensure that the conversation is informed and compassionate. Those who live with these conditions daily should not be belittled or trivialized.

If you are someone who has used PTSD colloquially, I urge you to reflect on your language.

Consider the weight of your words and the impact they might have on those around you.

And for those reading this post who truly understand the depth of trauma, know that your experiences are valid. You are not alone, and your strength is immeasurable.

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Wendy Hoke

Wendy Hoke is the author of The Bishop’s Cross: A Journey to the Truth and co-author of The Church of Gomorrah: When Sexual Abusers Remain in the Church. Her grandfather was a pedophile who preyed on little girls in his own family. The Bishop’s Cross looks into the family dynamics that enable a child molester to continue unabated.

She has been successfully writing for others for many years, first in the financial industry and now as a content curator and ghost blogger. She has finally put pen to paper to tell her own story. You can contact her directly through her website, wendyhoke.com.

wendyhoke.com/

I am not rejecting all of you amazing people, I am rejecting the honey that has brought all of us bees together. Honestly, how many of you truly want to be in this club? Like ALL of you, one of my favourite phrases (usually followed by some very inventive swear words) is, “I’m sick of this shit”.

Opening Pandaora’s Box

The best and the worst of the CPTSD journey is near the beginning when the land of CPTSD Oz has been revealed and you’re both fascinated, relieved, and revolted. The dream of a better life just became real, but you can’t unsee flying monkeys and you can’t unsee CPTSD. I have heard so many of us on this site talk about “opening Pandora’s box” and wanting to slam it shut, but it was too late. That is certainly how I felt.

Suddenly, CPTSD was coming at me from all directions. I couldn’t turn a corner or have a conversation with someone without a flashback, brain fart, or emotional aha moment. CPTSD stalked me all my life in the shadows. I always knew something was there and it terrified me, but I could never fully see it or put a name to it.  However, once I fully saw it and named it, it no longer stalked me—instead it moved in, took over my closet, put its feet on the coffee table, and asked what I was making for supper. Every. Damn. Day.

I had transformed into “Super-CPTSD” who could leap tall flashbacks in a single meltdown and could disassociate faster than any memory could catch me.

I could not get away from it, even for a moment. So, I decided that I was going to be the best CPTSD buster that ever lived. I was going to “get over it” and jumped into the books, podcasts, therapy, and support groups. I had transformed into “Super-CPTSD” who could leap tall flashbacks in a single meltdown and could disassociate faster than any memory could catch me.

This phase lasted for about two weeks from my initial “OMG” moment. Then, a particularly nasty flashback that put me on my butt and into my bed for a couple of days brought me back to reality. This was not another achievement or notch on my life belt. None of my previous tactics or tools were going to defeat this sucker.  While all my previous emotional work and healing had prepared me for the battle, I needed more.

This is the point in most self-help articles where I should be giving you the magic recipe to defeat that emotional monster in three easy steps and start a new and improved life. But, if you’re like me and someone tries to tell me I can do something in three easy steps, I want to slap them with the book they’re recommending.

There is no easy fix. We have all tried that whether it be denial, addiction, or the other myriad of quick fixes we attempt to get through this as quickly and painlessly as possible. But, there is a fix and it is actually quite simple. We need to feel the pain and as Brene Brown says, lean into it. I know you’re thinking, “What? Are you insane? I’m trying to NOT feel the pain anymore!” Well, that’s the conundrum of healing from trauma: to no longer feel pain, you need to feel the pain. But this time, you will be able to access your adult self and a solid system of support to reach in and truly heal that pain, so it is the last time you feel it to this degree.

Yes, the pain will end. Soon enough, you will find yourself in a new club, and this one you will definitely want to join—the CPTSD Healed Club. In this club, meetings aren’t so regular because you don’t really need them. They are fun though and filled with lots of smiles and knowing nods as we reminisce about how deep our pain used to be. Membership is open and we are always actively recruiting because we want everyone to join our club. If you are reading this, it shows that you are already on the right path to joining this club. Welcome!

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Belinda Pyle

Belinda lives on beautiful Vancouver Island where she fills her need for nature with hiking, horses, ocean, and any furry critters she can find. She is completing her post-grad certificate in Addictions and Mental Health Counselling and looks forward to helping others as she has been helped. As a third-generation survivor of trauma, she comes from a long line of crazy but strong women who have somehow succeeded in making lives that don’t completely suck.

I take drugs. I take a lot of drugs; four in the morning and six at night as prescribed by my psychiatrist. A few months ago, the anxiety was overwhelming and regardless of the therapy, meditation, yoga, hiking, kayaking, or anything else, I still woke up with crippling anxiety and went to sleep exhausted from battling it all day. So, after an emergency visit to the hospital, as certain thoughts were becoming too strong to fight, I finally added another pill. In retrospect, I know that I should have gotten help earlier, but my resistance to adding one more pill was too great.

I was fortunate because the medicine worked, and the anxiety lowered to manageable. For so many people, medications developed to treat symptoms simply don’t work. Estimates on effectiveness vary, but a recent McGill University published in ScienceDaily found that only 40% of patients responded to the first depression medication they were given. This number is supported by numerous other studies with the number ranging from 30-40%.  In other words, not all medications work on all people.

There is no magic pill for CPTSD and instead, we find ourselves managing its symptoms, such as anxiety and depression, while we simultaneously try to heal. I remember well when the CPTSD cat was let out of the bag where it was hidden in my mind.  I felt like I was constantly being triggered and then thrown into an anxiety and depression hole. I’d climb out then, “BAM”, right in the CPTSD plexes again and I was back in that damn hole. For several months, the earth beneath me was constantly moving. It felt like it would never end. I felt hopeless.

Then, one day, it stopped. I looked back on an incident that would have normally had me face down in a tub of double chocolate Ben and Jerry’s ice cream or making a meal of my fingernails and realized, I was ok. It was a strange feeling. I called my cousin and told her, “Guess what?” She was prepared for a litany of swear words or sobs in reaction to the latest trigger but instead, I said, “I’m fine.” Silence. Then peals of laughter.

As we all know, it doesn’t completely just stop. For me, healing has meant that the triggers are fewer and the depth of the reactions shallower. I’m no longer in a constant state of complete exhaustion because my brain is no longer stuck “on” looking for saber-toothed tigers who want to make a mental meal out of me. I’m no longer just getting through the days, waking with dread and terror. Instead, I sometimes even smile when I’m opening my eyes. Gasp!

So, if you’re looking forward to some future date when you will finally be healed, I suggest you look behind you into your recent past. I bet you’ll find examples already of how you’ve begun to change. Healing sneaks up on you, but this kitty is one you can pet without losing your arm. Purrrr.

References:

Science Daily. https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2020/04/200408113245.htm

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Belinda Pyle

Belinda lives on beautiful Vancouver Island where she fills her need for nature with hiking, horses, ocean, and any furry critters she can find. She is completing her post-grad certificate in Addictions and Mental Health Counselling and looks forward to helping others as she has been helped. As a third-generation survivor of trauma, she comes from a long line of crazy but strong women who have somehow succeeded in making lives that don’t completely suck.

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

One of the defining characteristics of CPTSD is severe and persistent problems in affect regulation. In my first article, I wrote, “Affect regulation, sometimes called emotional dysregulation, relates to having strongly felt emotions, like overwhelming fear, shame, alienation, rage, grief, and depression, that leave us feeling powerless to control them. The emotional outbursts, sometimes called emotional flashbacks, can last anywhere from a few seconds to a few hours and can be triggered by seemingly minor events that most people wouldn’t react to.” This kind of emotional eruption can have particularly disturbing consequences for the trauma survivor in the workplace. I have struggled with this tremendously, and it always seems to lead to feelings of shame, powerlessness, and a sense of being broken or “less than.”

My last article explored the concept of personal safety in the workplace as it relates to our biology. In this article, I would like to explore the idea of emotional safety in the workplace. We will define what emotional safety is, what role emotional flashbacks play in emotional safety, how emotional flashbacks are triggered, and how to manage those triggers.

Emotional Safety

The Definition

Psychology Today says, “Emotional safety comes from within us. It is the “knowing” of what we’re feeling; the ability to be able to identify our feelings and then take the ultimate risk of feeling them… Emotional safety is a combination of willingness, courage, and action.” One of the challenges we have to overcome if we are going to progress in our healing journey is having the courage to allow ourselves to feel all the emotions related to our trauma. Many of us have spent a lifetime running from these feelings, covering them up, or trying to numb ourselves. It took me months to convince myself that I needed to learn how to tolerate my emotions related to the trauma I experienced. I had to learn how to get comfortable with being uncomfortable.

This is a critical step in the healing process. Not only do we need to be able to tolerate all the emotions, but we also have to be able to identify them, which can be a tremendous challenge for trauma survivors. Often times we do not have labels for our feelings, and we might need to work with our therapist to learn that. I found that being able to put labels on what I was feeling was like learning a new language, but it was a relief to finally be able to communicate what I previously had no words for.

Emotional Safety in the Workplace

Emotional safety in the workplace is a different story. “Emotional safety in the workplace refers to a situation in which employees are able to share their thoughts and feelings with fellow employees, employers, and other people in the work environment. An emotionally safe workplace encourages employees to speak openly without worrying about what other people may say.” (https://advancedct.com/how-to-improve-emotional-safety-in-the-workplace/)

The ability to share our emotions with co-workers, managers, business partners, and employers is determined by several elements: our willingness to share with people in the workplace, the ability of co-workers to “hold space” for our emotions, and the safety of the environment.

Emotional Flashbacks

One of the defining characteristics of both CPTSD and PTSD, according to the World Health Organization’s International Classification of Disease (ICD-11), is the re-experiencing of the traumatic event or events in the present in the form of vivid intrusive memories, flashbacks, or nightmares. In Pete Walker’s book “Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving,” he defines an emotional flashback as “intensely disturbing regressions [“amygdala hijackings”] to the overwhelming feeling states of your childhood abandonment. When you are stuck in a flashback, fear, shame, and/or depression can dominate your experience.”

Experiencing an emotional flashback in the workplace is extremely disturbing for the trauma survivor. One moment you are maintaining a purely professional demeanor, and the next moment you feel like a wounded child in the midst of your co-workers, business partners, or customers, and you may not know what triggered it. It is like someone pulling the fire alarm when there is no fire.

One of the things I want to avoid at all costs as a trauma survivor in the workplace is having an emotional flashback. To do that, we need to spend some time talking about and identifying our triggers.

Triggers

In my previous blog, I talked about the sensors within our home security system that have been trained to pick up the slightest threat and respond automatically. As Threat Managers, it is our responsibility to analyze the data related to the activation of our alarm system to determine what is causing it. Self-awareness of triggers can help us predict and prepare for potentially upsetting events.

Definition of Triggers

Our sensors respond to stimuli in our environment, which triggers the response. “A trigger is an external or internal stimulus that activates us into an emotional flashback. This often occurs on a subliminal level outside the boundaries of normal consciousness.” (Pete Walker) It is something that “triggers” our alarm system.

To help identify our triggers, we can group them into several categories: emotional state, people, places, things, thoughts, and activities/situations. These categories can help us to organize the trigger data.

Workplace Trigger Examples

• Seeing someone who resembles a childhood abuser
• Experiencing the anniversary of an especially traumatic event
• Hearing someone use a parent’s shaming tone of voice or turn of phrase
• Feeling lonely, abandoned, disconnected
• Making a mistake
• Asking for help
• Feeling unheard
• Being talked down to
• Having to speak in front of a group of people
• Feeling tired, sick, lonely, or hungry
• Any type of physical pain can also be a trigger

Coping Strategies

Once we have identified our triggers in the workplace, our next task is to figure out how we are going to handle them. This leads us to identify appropriate coping strategies. According to the APA Dictionary of Psychology, a coping strategy is “an action, a series of actions, or a thought process used in meeting a stressful or unpleasant situation or in modifying one’s reaction to such a situation. Coping strategies typically involve a conscious and direct approach to problems, in contrast to defense mechanisms.”

Below are some examples of coping strategies you can try out. This is not an exhaustive list, but it will give you someplace to start.

Grounding

• Take deep, slow breaths from your gut rather than your chest
• Start counting the number of red things in the room around you
• Go outside and focus on feeling the air and sun on your skin
• Rinse your hands with cold water or hold ice cubes until they melt
• Run your hands over a rough surface, like bricks or a tree trunk
• Fire up your iPod and sing along with songs you know
• Count backward from 88

Resolving

• Address the feelings/events behind your trigger in therapy
• Write about your triggers and the emotions behind them
• Share your triggers in the community with other survivors, and allow them to help you work through the feelings and circumstances underneath the triggers

Affirming

• I’m stronger than any trigger
• I deserve to be supported and helped when I feel sad and alone
• I am safe now, and the past cannot harm me
• I am lovable and deserve to be treated well
• I can treat myself with kind, and gentleness in these hard moments
• I am powerful
• I have many choices on how to cope with these feelings

Distracting

• Listen to some music on your playlist
• Exercise with your music turned up
• Look out the window of your building down onto the street and observe what the people are doing outside
• Take a walk around your floor or to the restroom
• Text a friend
• Check your social media

Self-Soothing

• Make a cup of tea
• Use your favorite aroma therapy
• Pamper your body: put on some good-smelling lotion
• Meditate or pray
• Visualize yourself living your highest and best life — build that image in your mind and return to it often to fill in the details

Trigger Toolkit

Creating a trigger toolkit is a way to help us proactively manage triggers. When a trigger has hijacked your amygdala, our brains will go “offline,” and we will not be able to think through our options at that time. Creating a trigger toolkit helps us to identify our triggers ahead of time and give ourselves directions on what to do when it happens. This is our “in case of emergency” instruction manual.

Identifying Workplace Triggers

The first step in the process is to identify workplace triggers you already know about. Some triggers sneak up on you without your knowledge. We call these “ninja” triggers. It is OK if you don’t know all your triggers at this time because this list will continue to evolve through self-awareness over time. You may find that some things will no longer trigger you because of the work you are doing in therapy. That is great! Just remove it from the list, or better yet, you can leave it on the list and put a resolution date, which will remind you that you are making progress in your healing journey.

Identifying Appropriate Coping Strategy

The next step in the process is to identify the coping strategy that works best for each trigger. This is a bit of trial and error, and it will be different for each person. What might work for some people may not work for others. You cannot fail this task because it is a learning opportunity, or you can look at it like an experiment.

My guidance is to listen to your inner intuition. I believe we already know what we need at the moment. Try it out. If that doesn’t work, just note that on your sheet and try something else.

As you continue your healing journey, it is good to review your coping strategies occasionally to ensure they are effective. Remember, you are the Threat Manager, so you get to decide how to handle triggers and what you want to try first.

Sharing the Strategy

Once you have your trigger toolkit completed or drafted, consider sharing it with a trusted support person. There will probably be times when we are badly triggered in the workplace and cannot even read our strategies. This is when we need to rely on a trusted support partner, whether it is a spouse, co-worker, coach, friend, or boss (if you’re lucky).

There is no shame in reaching out for help. We all need help on this journey. None of us can do this alone. I employed the services of a trauma recovery coach, with whom I could text to help me get grounded and regulated again. That really helped me.

Questions for Further Consideration

• What are your top 3 triggers in the workplace?
• What happens when you are triggered in the workplace?
• What coping strategies have you used in the past to help manage triggers in the workplace?

Resources

Walker, Pete. Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A GUIDE AND MAP FOR RECOVERING FROM CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (p. 145). Azure Coyote Publishing. Kindle Edition.

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Cyndi Bennett

Believer. Leader. Learner. Advocate. Writer. Speaker. Coach. Mentor. Triathlete. Encourager. Survivor.
 
Most of all, I am a fellow traveler on the rocky road called, Trauma Recovery. My mission is to minimize the effects of trauma for survivors in the workplace.

It belonged to my mother, but in all the years I had known her, not once had it ever been used. It sat silently on top of the antique china cabinet stuffed to the gills with other unused glass items. My mother passed away this year and the crystal punch bowl set was only one among many treasures. Inexpensive second-hand store finds stood next to antique wine goblets. Art glass nestled among hand-cut crystal mugs. Looking at the hoard, a relative exclaimed “Your mother was preparing for a party she never had.” I don’t know of a better description of her life. 

My grandchildren soon arrived to celebrate Christmas. The punch bowl sat in a place of honor. 

“Oh Mimi!” my five-year-old granddaughter exclaimed. “What a fancy bowl!”

“Yes,” I replied as I stirred my Christmas concoction and poured her a cup. “It’s time for a party. Let’s not wait another minute.” 

I hope you see the past four weeks of life management as an invitation to the party of life. It will be the hardest journey you will ever take, but it will be worth it. Life management is not about exercise or staying on a schedule or doing meditation. It is about using those things to heal. It is about changing the inside so the outside can embrace joy. In this last blog of the series, I would like to leave you with these final thoughts.

Recognize Your Accomplishments

I can’t tell you the number of times I sighed at the end of the day and said, “I didn’t get anything done.” It was always a lie and self-defeating to think that way. Write out a list of accomplishments at the end of the day. Include everything. I overlooked things like laundry or grocery lists. How about resting or meditating? Calling a friend? Taking care of your body? Those are all accomplishments. 

1. Accomplishment List

I fed the dog

I ate three meals

I folded the laundry

I took a nap

I did a good job at work

I was kind to myself

2. Use Technology with Caution

iPhones and computers are as much of a curse as they are a blessing. Technology can become a terrible source of stress for trauma survivors. The key is for you to control technology and not to let it control you. 

Turn your phone off

Take a break from it for several hours during the day. Need it for work? Turn it off in the evening. I can’t bear not to answer when that stupid little text message notification pops up. How to solve the problem? Turn the phone off! 

Only check emails once a day

Obsessively checking emails feeds trauma symptoms. Having a framework and control that helps break the grip of CPTSD.

Delete news apps

The daily news engages us by creating a feeling of anxiety. I could not stop checking it until I deleted the apps. Even now I must be very careful not to check the news in hopes of feeling more secure or safe. The news outlets are set up to do the opposite.

Social Media

In some ways, social media represents the worst of technology. It is okay to engage in it as long as it doesn’t take over your life. Put it within the framework.

3. Practice Letting Go

Letting go of the things you can’t control is a wonderful habit to cultivate. When a situation or thought flies at me and causes anxiety, I stop for a moment and ask myself, “Is this something I can control?” If not, I let it go. This sounds simple, but if you suffer from CPTSD you know that as children we were constantly held responsible for things we had no control over. It’s a horrible feeling and something that needs to be tossed out of our lives.

4. Use a planner

Whether you go old school with a handwritten calendar or use a digital version, I have found that using a planner sets me free from pressure. Have a daily “to-do” list. Use it to plan the day, the week, the month, and the year. A schedule really sings when you use a planner along with it. 

5. Use A Dump Book

Recording accomplishments at the end of the day is helpful, but the very last thing I do at night is to write down annoying thoughts. Maybe they are regrets from the past. Maybe they are things I forgot to do. Whatever it is, recording thoughts in a dump book makes it possible to put an end to the day and a beginning to a good night’s sleep.

I am a work in progress just like everybody else. I don’t do all the life management techniques perfectly, but making an attempt is what matters. Living with childhood trauma is really hard. Other people do not understand how much courage and effort it takes to heal. I get it…and I want you to know I am thinking of you and rooting for you. Don’t give up. It is worth the price. Don’t let the abusers win. Defy trauma and embrace joy. February and March blogs will be all about relationship patterns and how to recognize and heal them.

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Rebekah Brown

Rebekah Brown, a native of the south, now resides in the Great American West. Surviving a complicated and abusive family system makes her unique writing style insightful as well as uplifting. Rebekah is the proud mother of two and grandmother of four.