Toxic Relationships | CPTSDfoundation.org

The Courage to Awaken

Susan Gold — Tue, 01 Apr 2025 09:40:44 +0000

Waking up from toxic systems and the side effects they create demands courage. Upon reflection, you’ll spot the misaligned messages—ideas that never fit, gnawing at your gut yet somehow seduce you into obedience.

As a child, I trembled at the thought of my brother being drafted into war, picturing his desperate flight to Canada, hitchhiking in disguise to avoid the draft. The terror of conflict consumed me, its senseless carnage etching itself into my soul.

Decades later, my godson toyed with enlisting. I pleaded with him to reconsider, but at his boot camp graduation, I stood frozen, watching young, ebullient recruits chant of killing and conquest. Horror gripped me.

I understand this is the purpose of boot camp training: to indoctrinate human beings into an unnatural state of being, of allegiance and obedience.

It’s similar in our family ancestral line, our schooling (vs. education), our religious systems, and our social structures…

What if we trained these beautiful young recruits for peace instead…

And what if peace is our innate impulse…

I refuse to believe humans are born for war and rather envision that war is becoming obsolete. I suspect a darker force has conditioned us across millennia, twisting our nature. What if we broke free from this programming in every system that has touched our lives? What if we tuned into our hearts and unlocked our true potential through the quiet power of discernment?

This has been my journey in recognizing my toxic systems of influence and CPTSD triggers – going within and rewiring my inner systems.

Please consider pausing to reflect: Where did toxicity take root in your life? School? Family? Work? Religion?

Trace the moments when obedience to something wrong bent your path. Then, turn inward, claim your authentic choices, and stand tall.

Your discernment is your power, your sovereignty, and your strength.

Living true to yourself liberates you and ultimately can light the way for others to break free, too.

Susan Gold guides her clients to break free from toxic systems, empowering them to live authentically from the heart and embrace their innate intuitive abilities. Visit her website, https://www.susangold.us/, and YouTube channel, https://www.youtube.com/@susangoldismagical, for free resources, including her inspiring new podcast, Gold Conversations. Tune in as guests reveal their transformative journeys—awakening from toxicity to thriving in alignment with their true selves.

Featured Image Photo by Noah Buscher on Unsplash

Other image provided by author

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Susan Gold

Contributor Susan Gold is an author and transformationalist. After growing up in a toxic family system, she now helps others through similar trauma, leading with heart and love. Her YouTube video posts are at: https://www.youtube.com/@susangoldismagical

Breaking Free Of The Cycle: Healing Family Karma

Jenney Clark — Tue, 04 Mar 2025 11:24:19 +0000

Who am I? Growing up, I was a child with trust issues due to emotional and physical abuse. Then, at 18, I was assaulted on a date. Trauma often leaves invisible scars. While most physical wounds can heal, mental and emotional wounds run deep.

I have faced many traumas in my life and experienced repeated betrayal, often from those we are told we can trust—family.

An Existential Identity Crisis

I consider myself a quirk of fate; by some macabre twist, I was launched into a profoundly dysfunctional family. I grew up fatherless in a middle-class Roman Catholic household in a small South Indian town. My older sister Melanie and I were raised by our young, widowed mother in our maternal grandparents’ home, where we lived with an extended joint family.

I discovered that my father passed away from a heart attack just months after my mother conceived me, so I never knew him. Growing up without a father left me feeling empty, which may have influenced my tendency to form fleeting connections with abusive relationships and toxic friendships. The absence of pictures of my dad was heartbreaking, as it felt like all memories of him had been erased. I understand my mother likely acted out of her own grief, but it was painful that she didn’t encourage us to talk about him, leaving many questions unanswered.

Becoming a Social Outcast

At first, my mother worked hard as a teacher at our school until my soon-to-be stepfather, a medical student seven years younger, came into the picture. In the conservative town we lived in, rumors about the teacher and the young man quickly spread, and all hell broke loose at my grandparents’ home. The entire family was upset with her new relationship, but my mother was so in love that she didn’t care.

The school was even worse; we became social outcasts overnight, facing snide comments from classmates and family friends who labeled us as “the daughters” of the “flighty widow.” The reputation stuck.

As a grown woman, I understand that my widowed mother had the right to move on and lead her life. However, at age five, I only felt the loss of friends. Back then, single mothers dating wasn’t common in rural India, and my mother was blissfully unaware, caught up in her new romance as she traipsed around town in love-infested bliss.

The Birth of the Fear of Abandonment

When I was in third grade, she finally married and a few years later moved to the Middle East with her new doctor husband, leaving behind two lonely kids and a controversial reputation.

At every family event, we were seen as the “orphan Annies” and “oddballs,” garnering pity or scorn from others. In that conservative town, we stood out, burdened by a reputation we longed to escape. This likely fueled my craving for love and contributed to ADHD and borderline personality disorder, which I discovered many years later.

Meanwhile, my childhood became a series of moves between relatives, amplifying feelings of abandonment. We were treated as unnecessary baggage, and the meager food we received was often rationed. Name-calling and forced chores made us feel like maidservants, whether cleaning the house, doing laundry, cooking, or babysitting. I was not yet 13, and I often went to bed hungry.

With each move, my sister and I faced a new set of accusations. In hindsight, I believe this wasn’t because we lacked virtue, but rather because our relatives were tired of bearing the burden of my mother. This was their way of “passing the buck” to someone else. Meanwhile, our mother hardly contributed to our expenses or sent money to those who took care of us.

Though Mom would visit us occasionally, her relationship with us, her daughters, changed dramatically. She refused to believe what we had endured and the ongoing criticism from our “overburdened” relatives. Instead, she relied only on hearsay, choosing to accept the narrative that portrayed us as the problem.

Walking Away From Abuse

At a relative’s home, life became so chaotic that we went from being poor, abandoned orphans to harassed teens overnight. The saddest part was that no one, especially our mother, wanted to believe us. They preferred to sweep everything under the rug rather than face the discomfort of the truth. I realized they chose not to support us because it allowed them to avoid their responsibilities.

As a result, in an effort to protect ourselves, two vulnerable girls walked away from a highly volatile situation and sought help from strangers. We felt unsafe among our own family.

Believe it or not, since then, we have mostly been estranged from our mother and socially isolated from our relatives. Aside from the odd occasion, I haven’t spent time with my relatives or mom in decades. Mom systematically and deliberately cut us off from any contact with the family.

There is bullying, and then there is bullying of the worst kind; it’s called “social isolation,” the kind that was perpetuated by my dysfunctional family and also by friends at school.

This is the kind of bullying where “the strong” band together and trample “the defenseless” because there is strength in numbers—often aided by money, peer pressure, or the seniority that comes with age.

Rising from the Ashes

As a teenager, I found myself alone and began working hard to support myself. Life took a difficult turn; I met many people from whom I learned valuable lessons. I made numerous mistakes due to poor judgment and misplaced trust, but I’ve always managed to rise from them. While I regret those lapses, I would live my life the same way again because my past has shaped who I am today.

My career choice allowed me to meet many people. Early on, I took various odd jobs, each helping me develop new skills and fueling my ambition for success. I was open to any challenge, adapting and learning as I went. Eventually, I spent several years in the hospitality industry.

Final Thoughts: Know Thyself and Thou Shall Know Thy God

Along the way, I made friends and learned that everyone is unique; no one is perfect; certainly not people with the “pointy fingers.” Nevertheless, I noticed that most people focus on four basic needs: food, money, power, and sex—but not necessarily in that order. Whereas for me it has always been like Freddy Mercury sang that “crazy little thing called LOVE.“ But when we go through abuse, neglect, and trauma and don’t find love, we settle for mediocrity or less. Trauma comes in many forms, but it’s our choice whether to continue the cycle of family karma or to break it. The buck stops with you.

Whichever way it goes, childhood trauma makes you do the thing you’ve been “conditioned” to do all your life. I understand how challenging it can be to navigate through trauma, and I want to share what has helped me along the way: love, friendships, books, music, and spirituality. Healing is not a straight path, and I certainly don’t consider myself an expert. I’ve experienced the many faces of depression, including a recent episode of panic and anxiety, which I know can feel overwhelming. If you’re struggling, please remember that you don’t have to go through it alone. Reach out to your loved ones and consider seeking therapy. It’s so important to take that step and not delay getting the support you need. If you are like me, you deserve to find peace and healing.

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

Jenney Clark

Jenney Clark is an Indian author and poet, best known for her book “Don’t Be Afraid to Love.” She has published eight books, including “Magic of the Ancients,” and hosts a podcast titled “Awakened Souls.” After leaving a successful job in the service industry, she pursued her passion for writing and became a life coach. Raised in a small town in India she discovered her psychic abilities at a young age and developed a strong interest in Tarot, astrology and numerology. She enjoys connecting with a diverse range of friends, including artists and writers and lives in a cozy “cubby hole” in Hyderabad with her dog, along with her beloved books and music

jenneyclark.com/

Recognizing Characteristics of Toxic Systems

Susan Gold — Wed, 12 Feb 2025 13:55:06 +0000

For much of my life and career, I found comfort in the surface narrative—moving through the motions, staying busy, and avoiding deep scrutiny. But now, as the cracks in conventional structures continue to widen, operating on autopilot and chasing distractions no longer feels like safety. Instead, I’m drawn to questioning everything and examining all perspectives, including the toxic norms that are now unraveling before us.

Toxic systems are those practices, behaviors, and structures that prioritize control, dysfunction, or harm—often at the expense of individual freedom, authenticity, and well-being. In today’s complex and turbulent climate, that’s a lot to unpack.

The truth is that many of us are unaware of the toxic systems we are entrenched in, enabling, or impacted by. These systems often emerge subtly, embedded within ancestral patterns, education, workplaces, religion, cultural programming, healthcare, societal institutions, and more.

As this volatile year comes to a close and a new chapter begins, let’s take a closer look at the defining characteristics of toxic systems and reflect on how they may be affecting us:

1. Imbalance of Power

Toxic systems often centralize control, disempowering individuals in favor of a privileged few. This imbalance exploits and represses the majority to maintain its structure.

2. Fear and Dependency

These systems foster dependency for survival or success, using fear, manipulation, and psychological tactics like gaslighting to undermine your confidence and autonomy.

3. Clouded Transparency

Information is distorted, withheld, or manipulated, ensuring decisions remain hidden while dominance is asserted. This leaves you disempowered and unable to advocate for yourself effectively.

4. Severed Authenticity

Conformity is rewarded, while individuality is punished. You may feel pressured to fit a mold or adopt predefined roles to gain acceptance or success.

5. Cycles of Exploitation and Abuse

Toxic systems exploit your time, energy, money, or emotions without adequate return or acknowledgment. These cycles leave you feeling depleted and devalued.

6. Resistance to Change

Change agents are often ridiculed, ostracized, or punished. Rigid traditions and unyielding practices block evolution, ensuring the toxic system’s survival at the expense of growth.

7. Psychological and Emotional Harm

Participation in these systems often leads to feelings of guilt, shame, and anxiety, leaving you drained, dehumanized, and disconnected from your own power.

8. Conditioning and Indoctrination

Rituals and repetitive messaging enforce compliance and discourage critical thinking, creating deeply ingrained patterns of acceptance.

9. Intergenerational Patterns

Toxicity can be inherited through family or ancestral lines, perpetuating harmful beliefs and behaviors that reinforce the system over time.

10. Punishment for Defiance, Rewards for Compliance

Nonconformity results in exclusion, retaliation, or loss of resources, while compliance is incentivized with privileges, safety, or acceptance.

11. Isolation and Disconnection

Toxic systems thrive on disconnection from nature, self, and community. Isolation prevents unity and shared resistance, keeping individuals trapped within the system.

Recognizing these dynamics is the first step toward dismantling harmful structures and reclaiming your power. Whether the toxic system exists at work, in school, within your relationships, governing bodies, or even in your own mind, awakening to its influence is vital to returning to your natural wisdom and authentic power.

As the global paradigm shifts toward higher consciousness, maintaining balance can be challenging. To support your journey, I’m offering a complimentary 30-minute grounded activation session to help you feel nurtured, centered, and connected. Together, we can work to cultivate clarity, reduce frustration, and align with your inner truth.

👉 [Click here to schedule your session]

Additionally, I invite you to visit my YouTube channel for weekly inspiration designed to gently awaken you from toxic systems and guide your transformation.

Here’s to a life-changing, empowering, and joy-filled 2025. Let’s step forward together.

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

Susan Gold

When You See the Warning Signs of Triangulation

Sadie Montgomery — Thu, 06 Feb 2025 10:33:39 +0000

“Mom,” Harper started, “Grandma Clare sent me a text inviting me to dinner at her house for my birthday. Is that weird that she only invited me and not all of us?”

Grandma Clare, my stepmother, is a narcissist. Over the past decade, I have set boundaries and distanced my family from her emotionally abusive behavior.

“It would be weird for the average person to invite their twenty-two-year-old granddaughter, who still lives at home with her father, mother, and younger sister, over for a birthday celebration while not inviting the rest of the family,” I acknowledged. “But unfortunately, it’s classic Grandma Clare behavior. She doesn’t typically consider other peoples’ feelings.”

“So, should I go,” Harper asked. “I’d like to see Grandma and Grandpa; it just feels strange going by myself.”

I encouraged my daughter to go to dinner and spend time with her Grandparents since she wanted to see them. Even though my stepmother was self-centered and manipulative, Harper’s had a decent relationship with them over the years, and I always fostered that for her sake. Harper was the first-born grandchild, so Clare was fond of her. Sadly, the novelty wore off when my second daughter, Abby, was born, and Clare has mostly ignored her.

When Harper came home from dinner, she had half a birthday cake.

“Grandma insisted I take the rest of the cake home,” Harper told us. “I told her no thank you a few times, but she pretty much forced me to take it.”

Harper filled me in on some updates about her cousins and said it was mostly an enjoyable time, with a handful of awkward silences. I smiled and told her that I was glad she enjoyed the dinner.

After Harper left the kitchen I looked at the half-cake sitting on the counter with a lump in my throat. Clare makes that cake for everyone, for every birthday. It was the cake I had for each of my birthdays throughout middle school and high school. And even though I am the one who opted to go low contact with that side of my family, looking at that cake brought me to tears.

It triggered a mix of emotions in me. I felt hurt and anger from being reminded of my tumultuous teenage years growing up without my own mother, who had passed away, and being raised by a stepmother who didn’t care much for me, to put it mildly. I also experienced resentment because I’d done a lot of work to heal and grow, putting boundaries in place to protect myself and my family, and it could all be shaken by something as absurd as a cake. I was surprised by grief, a sense of mourning the loss of my relationship with the family I grew up in.

My husband walked into the kitchen as I was about to leave, “Are you okay?”

I told him what was going on and said, “I don’t want Harper to see me upset, I’m glad she has a relationship with them. It just hurts to see that cake, the cake that was a part of the family that I used to be a part of, but I’m not anymore.”

Harper was coming back towards the kitchen and overheard us talking, and a few days later, she approached me. We talked about the cake and Grandma Clare.

“At first, I thought Grandma was just trying to be nice by having me take the cake home,” Harper said. “But after hearing you and Dad talk, I had a conversation with my friend Emma about it. You know Emma’s a psych major, right? She said it sounded like triangulation.” Harper went on to tell me she looked it up and read about how triangulation is used to play favorites and pit one person against another so that the manipulator feels a sense of control and supremacy.

“I think Grandma may have had me take the cake home on purpose to get to you,” she disclosed. “I know that sounds like a bit much, but I tried to tell her I didn’t want the cake, and she literally made me take it home.” Harper continued, “And then hearing how it did upset you made me think that may have been her intention. I know you don’t really talk to her anymore, so the only way she can bother you now is through other people. I’m sorry, Mom.”

“Harper, you have nothing to apologize for,” I reassured. “Her psychologically abusive behavior is the reason I opted for low contact all of those years ago. She tends to pull in her favored kids and grandkids close while snubbing the ones she doesn’t like as much. Sending you home with cake certainly could have been her way of showing me what I’m missing. Her using you to bring something home that would get a reaction out of me does sound like a triangulation tactic,” I admitted. “But it’s also a good reminder that we can engage with her if and when we want to, yet we do not have to succumb to her ploys of manipulation. Doing what we’re doing right now, communicating openly with each other, will hopefully shut down future attempts to influence us. Instead, we can dismiss them as her pitiful attempts to feel superior to others.”

Photo: jaison-lin-6OjROsQH4Qw-unsplash.jpeg

Sadie Montgomery

Sadie Montgomery was born and raised in the Midwestern United States, where she currently resides on the shore of Lake Superior with her husband and children. She is the award winning author of Atlas of Scars, her debut memoir on Complex Trauma. “I write to connect with survivors, advocate for the community, and raise awareness.”

www.sadiemontgomery.com/

How Does Trauma Manifest at Work?

STAR Network — Tue, 04 Feb 2025 13:13:32 +0000

By Dr. Jamie Huysman, Founder and Executive Director of STAR Network & Milena Stankovic Co-Founder of STAR Network

Our workplace behaviors often serve as a reflection of our personal histories. For many, unresolved childhood trauma subtly influences the way they interact with colleagues, handle responsibilities, and manage challenges. While the effects of trauma are deeply personal and vary from person to person, there are common patterns that can emerge in professional environments. Recognizing these signs is the first step toward fostering understanding, empathy, and healthier work dynamics.

In this article, we’ll explore how past trauma can shape workplace behaviors, identify key signs to watch for, and offer practical strategies for fostering a healthier relationship with work. Whether you’re recognizing these patterns in yourself or others, this guide will help you better understand the hidden impact of trauma and provide tools to navigate it effectively.

The Invisible Impact of Childhood Trauma

Trauma doesn’t remain confined to the past – it shapes our perceptions, coping mechanisms, and relationships. At work, these influences may appear in ways that are often misinterpreted as personality quirks or professional shortcomings. However, these behaviors are often survival strategies that individuals have carried with them since childhood.

Here are some of the ways childhood trauma can manifest in the workplace:

The burden of excessive independence
Overextending beyond your limits
The inability to set boundaries
Perfectionism and the fear of failure
Struggles with trust and authority

The Burden of Excessive Independence

A strong sense of independence can appear admirable, but for some, it stems from a deep fear of relying on others. Individuals who experience this may avoid asking for help or delegating tasks, believing that doing so could inconvenience their colleagues or expose perceived vulnerabilities. For instance, consider an employee who insists on handling every aspect of a project on their own, even to the point of exhaustion. This excessive self-reliance might mask an underlying belief that seeking assistance is a sign of weakness.

Pushing Yourself Past Your Limits

Many individuals with a history of trauma struggle to prioritize their own needs. They may feel compelled to take on more responsibilities than they can manage, often running on empty while continuing to give to others. This pattern may stem from a desire to feel valued or avoid feelings of rejection. Picture a colleague who constantly volunteers for new projects, even when their plate is already full. Despite the strain, they push forward, often neglecting their well-being in the process.

Struggling to Set Boundaries

Boundaries are essential for maintaining balance and protecting one’s mental health, but for some, the fear of disappointing others can make it difficult to say no. These individuals might take on additional tasks or responsibilities, even at the cost of their own energy and peace of mind. Imagine an employee who agrees to lead a major project despite being overwhelmed with other commitments. Their inability to decline may stem from a deep-seated fear of letting others down or being perceived as unreliable.

The Drive for Perfection and Fear of Failure

For many people, childhood trauma instills a relentless fear of failure. This can manifest as perfectionism in the workplace – a need to exceed expectations in order to feel secure or worthy. While striving for excellence is not inherently bad, it can become unhealthy when driven by anxiety or self-doubt. An employee caught in this cycle might spend hours perfecting minor details or overanalyzing feedback, often at the expense of their mental health and productivity.

Struggles with Trust and Authority

Past experiences with unreliable or controlling figures can lead to difficulties in trusting authority or colleagues. This may cause individuals to question others’ motives or avoid collaboration, even when it is unnecessary. For example, someone who struggles with trust might hesitate to share ideas in meetings or prefer to work alone, fearing that their contributions won’t be valued or respected.

How to Support Yourself or Others

Recognizing these behaviors as potential signs of trauma is a powerful step toward understanding yourself and others. By addressing these patterns and seeking support, individuals can begin to break free from the shadows of trauma and create a more balanced and fulfilling professional life. If you’re ready to take the next step in your journey of recovery, consider joining TAR Anon™, powered by STAR Network™.

TAR Anon is a free, safe, online, and anonymous worldwide program dedicated to providing emotional regulation, co-regulation, and healing from complex post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD).

Through research-based Steps, Promises, and the support of trained mentors, TAR Anon offers a compassionate community where you can connect with others, access valuable resources, and share your experiences – all at NO COST.

You’ll find a space for support, understanding, and growth.

The STAR Network and TAR Anon invite you to become part of a supportive community where healing becomes possible.

Together, we can transform childhood mirages into real oases of hope and resilience. Join TAR Anon and take the next step in your recovery today.

Photo by Desola Lanre-Ologun on Unsplash

STAR Network

STAR Network, is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization committed to Support, Treatment, and Prevention of Narcissistic Abuse and Attachment Disorders. Narcissistic abuse is one of the most devastating triggers for CPTSD, robbing survivors of their authenticity. STAR Network empowers STARs (Survivors of Toxic Abusive Relationships) with its transformational program, TAR Anon™. STAR Network is the leading global trauma support network, offering free resources to heal individuals and families impacted by trauma, PTSD and CPTSD. Their mission is to transform lives, reduce relapse rates, and create a lasting, inclusive community of support.

https://starnetwork.org/

https://drjamie.com/

https://taranon.org/

https://tartales.org/

How Covert Narcissists Use ‘Flying Monkeys’ to Create Trauma and CPTSD – A Guide to Finding Support

STAR Network — Mon, 09 Dec 2024 10:12:44 +0000

One of the most painful tactics in covert narcissism is turning family members against you.

This manipulative strategy, designed to isolate and control, often pulls loved ones into the narcissist’s web to unknowingly serve as “flying monkeys”—trusted people who, often without realizing it, carry out the narcissist’s agenda.

For anyone healing from the trauma of narcissistic abuse, understanding this tactic is crucial to reclaiming peace and support.

A close friend of mine recently experienced the heartbreak of this firsthand. After a difficult separation from his covertly narcissistic ex, they began to share custody of their young son. Despite his efforts to co-parent and provide stability, his child became a victim of parental alienation—a painful outcome common when a narcissistic parent is involved.

My friend has fought hard, from court actions to therapy, only to find his every effort blocked or undermined. His only option now is to be a consistent, loving presence for his son. But even that is threatened by the narcissist’s manipulation of family and friends, who have been influenced to interfere and isolate him further.

Over time, he noticed his own family members coordinating with his ex to schedule visits that clashed with his planned time with his son. Gradually, he found himself feeling isolated and abandoned by those closest to him—a deeply painful experience for survivors of narcissistic abuse. His family, likely unaware, had become “flying monkeys,” unknowingly doing his ex’s bidding and further alienating him.

Understanding “Flying Monkeys” in Narcissistic Relationships

In the context of narcissistic abuse, “flying monkeys” are those the narcissist recruits to spread gossip, spy, or serve as go-betweens. Narcissists are skilled at presenting themselves as victims, twisting narratives, and recruiting allies—especially those who are empathetic or wish to “keep the peace.”

For my friend, his father became a flying monkey, choosing to stay in contact with the narcissist to keep access to his grandson, even if it hurt his son. His mother, seeing herself as a “rescuer,” started defending his ex, buying into the narcissist’s portrayal of being the reasonable parent. Another friend, struggling with his own insecurities, sided with the narcissist, seeing it as a way to feel powerful.

Narcissists are adept at manipulating family members with seemingly innocent phrases like, “I just want what’s best for our child” or “I’m trying, but he makes it so difficult.” This subtly plants seeds of doubt, gradually making family members suspicious of the actual victim instead of the narcissist. The resulting trauma from this isolation can trigger or deepen Complex PTSD, eroding trust, self-worth, and connection to loved ones.

Why Family Members Side With Narcissists

Family members may choose to align with the narcissist for various reasons, often because it’s easier to accept the narcissist’s narrative than face a painful reality. Some may have their own unresolved issues that the narcissist skillfully exploits, leading them to betray or distance themselves from the survivor.

If you’re dealing with a narcissist who has recruited flying monkeys, here are some steps to protect your mental health and regain a sense of control:

Set Boundaries: Limit what you share with those who seem aligned with the narcissist, even if they’re family. Not everyone deserves access to your inner life.
Detach Emotionally: Narcissists and their allies often thrive on emotional reactions. Responding with calm, clarity, and minimal detail can lessen their hold on you.
Surround Yourself with Supportive People: Seek out friends and allies who understand your journey, will validate your experiences, and won’t be swayed by manipulation.
Prioritize Your Mental Health: Remember, healing comes from recognizing that your well-being and authenticity come first. Trauma recovery and healing from CPTSD are possible, especially when surrounded by genuine support.

Family loyalty can be a powerful force, but in the hands of a narcissist, it can also become a tool of manipulation and control. This isolation and betrayal can trigger deep-seated trauma, and healing from such wounds requires community and support.

Finding Community Support and Healing

For those struggling to find genuine community and healing, STAR Network offers resources like TAR Anon™, a trauma-informed fellowship dedicated to supporting survivors of narcissistic abuse. Through TAR Anon, survivors find a safe place to share their stories and learn from others who have been there. This “family of choice” offers compassionate support for rebuilding self-worth, resilience, and trust—away from the reach of narcissists and their flying monkeys.

If you’re experiencing the isolation, pain, and CPTSD that narcissistic abuse brings, know that you are not alone. Recovery is possible, and with the right support, you can find a path back to yourself, reconnect with those who genuinely care for you, and heal from the trauma inflicted by narcissistic manipulation.

STAR Network

https://starnetwork.org/

https://drjamie.com/

https://taranon.org/

https://tartales.org/

Why Childhood Trauma Survivors Blame Themselves

Rebekah Brown — Wed, 03 Jul 2024 09:20:30 +0000

In my forties, I was a part of a support group for survivors of abuse. Most of the women who attended were dealing with abusive partners. I was the only one sharing about childhood abuse, though I am sure nearly everyone there was a survivor of childhood trauma. We started each session with a “check-in time.” Each person could share whatever was on their mind.

The young woman sitting to my right began to cry. “I have worked so hard to make a home. I hold down a job, I do all the housework, and I try to be pleasant, but no matter what I do, my husband stays mad. He comes home mad. He leaves mad. He slaps me. He insults me. I’ve tried everything I know, and nothing has worked. What is wrong with me? Maybe if I made more money. Maybe if I just tried a little harder. I wonder every single day what I am doing wrong. We argue and fight, and I talk and talk and talk. Still, I just can’t figure it out. What is it? What am I doing wrong?”

Unable to keep my mouth shut, I piped up. “I can answer that.”

That’s how abusers work. They make you think their behavior is your fault.

Dead silence fell over the room. The young woman’s eyes grew wide as she stared my way. Gaining the full attention of the room, I shared my insight. “Nothing,” I said. “The answer is…nothing. There is nothing you did to cause it, and there is nothing you can do to stop it. That’s how abusers work. They make you think their behavior is your fault.”

After watching the wheels turn in her head for five seconds, she spoke. “I cook, I clean, I work so hard. I just can’t figure it out. I know I’m not perfect, but I just can’t figure out what I’m doing wrong. Maybe if I…” and on and on, she went as if I had not said a single word. She was convinced she was causing the abuse and, therefore, had the power to stop it.

How could she possibly not see the self-blame? And why could I see it so easily in her and not myself?

I was a bad child. A very bad child. I talked too much. My fun-loving nature was obnoxious. Nobody wanted to be around me. I caused trouble everywhere I went. In addition, I was cataclysmically stupid. Why did my parents have to have a child like me? Doomed to failure, I was inherently bad. I was the reason my parents were so unhappy. I was the reason our family was so troubled. I tried everything. Nothing worked. So I decided to try and disappear. Even being quiet made no difference. I could never disappear enough for the abuse to stop. As an adult, according to my parents, I was a stupid idiot. Too dumb to make a decision, too unsuccessful to be loved, I lived under my parents’ condemnation for decades, believing in the depths of my soul every bit of blame they sent my way. Their abuse continued as long as I remained in contact. I was over fifty years old before I finally said NO MORE.

Why would anyone stay in an abusive relationship for so long?

But more to the point…Why do victims of abuse blame themselves instead of believing the truth?

Like my friend from the support group, I went round and round in my head, trying to discover the reason I had always been such a problem. I discovered that blame and, more importantly, self-blame follow a pattern.

Why self-blame cements itself in childhood trauma:

People are more likely to blame themselves when abuse occurs within interpersonal, close relationships, such as with a parent or spouse. Vulnerability and dependence are both hallmarks of these close relationships, giving the abuser a wider as well as deeper swath of access.

The following are some of the reasons self-blame cements itself in the heart of a child.

1. Children believe their abuser
2. The abuser is seen as “normal” or a pillar of the community by others
3. When children try to tell, the abuse is either downplayed or not believed at all. Sometimes there is no one children can tell.
4. Abuse is all the child knows.
5. When a child tries to stand up for themselves, the abuser uses it as justification for more abuse
6. Self-blame is often the only way a child can control an unbearable and uncontrollable situation.
7. Self-blame is a survival technique
8. The loss of the relationship is so threatening blaming yourself feels safer than admitting the truth
9. The abuser has trained you (brainwashed you) to blame yourself
10. Chronic feelings of guilt, anxiety, and shame are temporarily relieved by blaming yourself.

Signs you are blaming yourself

-people pleasing
-feelings of self-hatred
-compliments make you uncomfortable
-conflict avoidance
-difficulty with trust
-attributing success to luck
-self-sabotage
-sensitive to rejection
-struggle with boundaries
-seeing yourself as responsible for everything that goes wrong

The Thought Process Behind Self-Blame

I should have known better
I should have said no
I should have stood up for myself
I should have used my voice
If I had been a good child, I would not have been abused
If I could figure out how to please my parents, the abuse will stop
If I can be successful, I will finally be loved

How to Stop Blaming Yourself

I don’t want to stop at the causes and symptoms of self-blame. The word paradigm means a standard, perspective, or set of ideas. To stop self-blame, there must be a paradigm shift at the deepest level of who you are. Join me in part II of this blog series on creating a paradigm shift and stopping self-blame in its tracks forever! Defy trauma, embrace joy.

Rebekah Brown

Rebekah Brown, a native of the south, now resides in the Great American West. Surviving a complicated and abusive family system makes her unique writing style insightful as well as uplifting. Rebekah is the proud mother of two and grandmother of four.

Denial – A Sign of a Toxic Family System

Susan Gold — Wed, 17 Apr 2024 16:55:25 +0000

Denial was a key component of my toxic family system. I could feel that big fat elephant in the middle of the living room. Most often, I chose to tip-toe around it. As an empath, I could clearly feel the tangible reality of the insidious storyline the denial would create. Speaking up and naming the truth could lead to a fierce punishment. I refrained from poking a hole through the denial’s dense cloak in exchange for some faulty sense of safety through allegiance. Mind-fluffing screams of “you’re crazy,” “you’re making up stories,” or “you lying son of a *itch” would come flooding my way in spewing torrents if I didn’t obey.

Denying the problems within my toxic family system while rationalizing, making excuses, or deceiving myself was what I ultimately was programmed into believing. And when fidelity to denial became my mantra, it helped me to fit into that broken system, sometimes.

It also gnawed at my own sense of sanity, self-worth, and mental well-being. Secrets were sealed into place with emotions askew, beaten into submission, and placed into some ancient ancestral closet, never to see the light.

My body is often my key to decoding the denial scenario

The learned coping tool of denial transferred into my adult life. Though it did give me time to process my emotions, it mostly has led me to behaviors I saw demonstrated while growing up, addictions, and being locked into relationships and work scenarios well past their expiration date.

Seeing through denial by surrendering the pretending and bravely calling circumstances as I see, feel, and hear them with a calm, level, and non-judgemental grounding is more often my unshakeable reality now. My body is often my key to decoding the denial scenario.

Shallow breathing, a dry mouth and feeling heat in my face or ears or sometimes a bone chilling cold all over my body are a few of the somatic alarm bells. I’m able to give myself the space to believe in myself, trust what I sense, give my body the credit due and honor by exiting the circumstance if I’m not able to instantly address the pretending, placating or excuses that often come up around unhealthy denial.

Processing the circumstance with a trusted friend, professional, or by writing is helpful, and then choosing whether or not I want to confront the situation are my next steps. This reprogrammed and learned behavior is leading me to authentic security, safety and a semblance of true value and self-worth from the inside out.

Denial is just one sign of many in a toxic family system. Many of us don’t even realize we’ve grown up amongst dysfunctional systems until adulthood and red flags begin to surface similar to those we witnessed in childhood. I’ve created a free, short digital course called Signs of A Toxic Family to help us all work through a few of the signs, remnants, and tools to heal after growing up in a dysfunctional home. Just scroll down to the footer of my website: https://www.susangold.us/, join the email list and receive the free course.

Wishing you well on your journey and please know we are all in this together.

Susan Gold

How Does Noticing Shame Make You a Real Adult?

Leah Erickson — Tue, 26 Mar 2024 09:55:04 +0000

Even Warthogs Feel Shame

One of the first things that pops into my head when I hear the word “shame” is Pumbaa from The Lion King lamenting, “Oh the shame! Thought of changin’ my name!”

A lot of us who carry deep shame from childhood trauma have probably also considered changing our names or inventing a new life somewhere else with plucky sidekicks. If no one knew our story, maybe we wouldn’t be so ashamed of who we are or what we did to survive. If only it were as easy as changing your name, running away, or adopting the Hakuna Matata philosophy.

Why is it necessary to confront shame in order to be a real adult?

Shame keeps our world small and lonely. We struggle to engage in the world and with others. You may be existing, but are you really living when shame has such a grip on you? Without examining and releasing your shame, it will be impossible to be a real adult who can emotionally regulate, have self-compassion, stick to your boundaries, and have strong self-worth. Shame will get in the way every time.

Identifying Shame

Many of us bury our shame so deeply we don’t even recognize that’s what it is. The longer you live with shame and develop defenses, the more toxic it becomes and the less conscious you are of how it manifests.

Shame will appear in your head, body, and behavior. It will be the most obvious in your body, and that’s where it will begin. A sensation in the body will activate the thoughts and behavior. Shame is physiological. Our bodies are telling us, “Uh oh. I have done something that threatens my membership in the group. I have to fix it to belong and stay safe.” Long ago, we needed a tribe to survive physically; we still need the community to survive psychologically. Being socially outcast in any form either by community (family, friends, society, etc.) will induce severe shame. Any time we’re reminded of that in a similar but not identical incident, our bodies will remember the original shame and react accordingly.

Here’s what to look for to identify if you’re feeling shame:

Bodily sensations: trouble taking deep breaths, feeling immobilized/frozen, inability to make eye contact

Behavior: blaming, numbing out/distracting self, isolating/withdrawing

Thoughts: self-critical; negative; black and white thinking that gets progressively worse; bringing out the laundry list of every shameful thing you’ve said, done, or experienced

Get Curious About Your Thoughts

Most trauma survivors exist primarily in their heads. Tolerating being in the body is too much initially. If this sounds like you, try getting curious about your thoughts when you experience a small shame episode. When the shame is from something small, it is easier to step back and become an observer of your thoughts. Write down the thoughts that come up. Is there a theme to your thoughts? What else do you notice about the content of your thoughts? The sentence structure or tone? Perhaps each sentence starts with “I.” The tone might be angry or hopeless. Practice this a few times over the course of a week, and see what you notice about your thoughts in response to shame.

That’s all you have to do right now. Notice. Get adept at identifying when you’re experiencing shame and what thoughts come up.

Leah Erickson

Leah Erickson is a certified Martha Beck Wayfinder Life Coach. Through her coaching practice, Becoming Real Life Coaching, Leah helps childhood trauma survivors release shame, get unstuck, and successfully “adult.” She believes it’s never too late to become real and begin to thrive. You can find her on Instagram @becoming_real_coaching or on her website becomingrealcoaching.com which features more of her writing and tools to become your real adult self.

Learn To Break the Cycle of Toxic Parenting

Milena "Mila" Stankovic — Tue, 25 Jul 2023 05:07:47 +0000

Toxic parenting can have a devastating impact on children’s growth and development, and it’s a cycle that can be difficult to break.

Toxic parents exhibit harmful behavior towards their children, such as neglect, abuse, or manipulation. The consequences of toxic parenting can be long-lasting and affect a child’s mental and emotional well-being. Parents must identify the signs of toxic parenting and take steps to break the cycle.

In this blog post, I will discuss the signs of toxic parenting and guide parents to break the cycle of toxic parenting.

I wish to explore practical strategies parents can use to create a healthy and safe environment for their children.

By identifying the signs of toxic parenting and taking action, parents can provide their children with the support and guidance they need to thrive.

What Are The Signs of Toxic Parenting?

Signs of a toxic parent are certain behaviors in parenting that can be emotionally damaging to children. These behaviors include overprotectiveness/over-control, constant criticism/belittling, guilt-tripping/emotional blackmail, lack of boundaries/privacy invasion, neglect/indifference, and gaslighting/manipulation.

Below I explain each behavior.

Overprotectiveness or over-control: Overprotective or overcontrolling describes parents who micromanage their children’s lives, do not allow them to decide for themselves, and do not let them experience natural consequences. This behavior may lead to children who cannot make their own decisions or develop self-confidence.

Constant criticism or belittling: This behavior involves parents who frequently criticize their children and make them feel inadequate or unworthy, leading to low self-esteem, anxiety, and depression.

Guilt-tripping or emotional blackmail: Guilt-tripping or emotional blackmail involves parents who use guilt or manipulation to get their children to do what they want. This can lead to children who feel responsible for their parent’s happiness and cannot set boundaries.

Lack of boundaries or privacy invasion: This behavior involves parents who do not respect their children’s boundaries or privacy, which may cause children to feel violated and unable to trust others.

Neglect or indifference: Parents who are emotionally or physically unavailable to their children are neglectful or indifferent. This behavior can lead to children who feel neglected, unloved, and unsupported.

Gaslighting or manipulation: This behavior involves parents who distort reality or manipulate their children’s emotions to maintain control. Children who grow up in such an atmosphere may doubt their own perceptions and feel confused, anxious, and insecure.

What Is The Impact of Toxic Parenting on Children?

Toxic parenting can have both short-term and long-term effects on children. Children with a toxic father or a mother with toxic parent traits may experience short-term effects such as anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, and difficulty with emotional regulation. They may also struggle with relationships at school and with peers as well as with authority figures.

In the long term, children of toxic parents may continue to struggle with mental health issues such as anxiety, depression, and even post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and complex ptsd. They may have difficulty forming healthy relationships and struggle with trust and intimacy. Sometimes, they may repeat patterns of toxic behavior with their own children.

Toxic parenting can also lead to a lack of self-care, self-love, and self-respect, further perpetuating negative relationships and mental health problems. It’s crucial for individuals who have experienced toxic parenting to seek support in healing and building healthy relationships.

Therapy and support groups can be helpful resources in this healing process.

Avoid Toxic Parenting!

To avoid toxic parenting, it’s essential to recognize and acknowledge toxic behavior, set healthy boundaries and respect your child’s autonomy, practice open communication and active listening, work on your own emotional issues and triggers, and seek help from a professional if necessary.

Recognize and acknowledge toxic behavior: This process involves being aware of your own behavior and how it may impact your child. Pay attention to patterns of overprotectiveness, criticism, guilt-tripping, lack of boundaries, neglect, and gaslighting. Acknowledge when you make mistakes and take responsibility for your actions.

Set healthy boundaries and respect your child’s autonomy: This process involves respecting your child’s privacy and individuality, allowing them to make age-appropriate decisions, and not using them as emotional support or treating them as an extension of yourself. It also involves setting clear rules and consequences and enforcing them consistently.

Practice open communication and active listening: This process involves actively listening to your child’s concerns and feelings without judgment and responding with empathy and respect. It also includes being open and honest with your child about your own thoughts and feelings.

Work on your own emotional issues and triggers: This process involves identifying and addressing your own emotional issues, such as past trauma or unresolved conflicts, and seeking support from a therapist or counselor if necessary. It also means being aware of your own triggers and how they may impact your interactions with your child.

Seek help from a professional if necessary: If you are struggling to break toxic patterns or are experiencing significant emotional difficulties, you may benefit from seeking support from a mental health professional. A professional can provide guidance and support in developing healthier parenting strategies and addressing underlying emotional issues.

In conclusion, toxic parenting can have severe negative impacts on children, but such parenting can be avoided by recognizing harmful behavior, setting healthy boundaries, practicing open communication, working on emotional issues, and seeking professional help if necessary.

Milena "Mila" Stankovic

Milena “Mila” Stankovic is a Co-Founder at STAR Network, TAR Anon and Partners In Mens Health. Milena “Mila” Stankovic is a mental health advocate & ambassador , screenwriter, writer and creator. She covers clinical and experience-based standpoints on topics such as Toxic Abusive Relationships, trauma, CPTSD, Toxic Families, Parental Alienation, and Narcissism. Mila provides practical, vulnerable, and real-life examples to help those who have been abused to overcome their fears. She will help you heal: one article at a time. She is also a Please check the organizations which are still under development here:

https://partnersinmenshealth.com/
https://tartales.org
https://starnetwork.org
https://taranon.org
If you wish to write and share your stories and get in touch with Mila, please contact her at mila@starnetwork.org

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