Anger | CPTSDfoundation.org https://cptsdfoundation.org The Foundation for Post-Traumatic Healing and Complex Trauma Research Wed, 10 Dec 2025 10:50:41 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=6.9.4 https://cptsdfoundation.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/07/cropped-Daily-Recovery-Support-Globe-iPad-Fav-32x32.png Anger | CPTSDfoundation.org https://cptsdfoundation.org 32 32 6 Steps to Manage Your Anger: From A Trauma Survivor https://cptsdfoundation.org/2025/12/10/6-steps-to-manage-your-anger-from-a-trauma-survivor/ https://cptsdfoundation.org/2025/12/10/6-steps-to-manage-your-anger-from-a-trauma-survivor/#respond Wed, 10 Dec 2025 10:50:41 +0000 https://cptsdfoundation.org/?p=987501795 How are you doing today? I mean, really… How are you doing?

I got really angry last week with a colleague who offended me about my work. I had done nothing wrong; I was only guilty of caring for a child who needed emotional support when no one else noticed. I rarely get angry, but the other teacher’s insulting words made me see red. I had to leave the teacher’s lounge and try to walk it off before the end of recess.

In this article, I explore the topic of managing anger for trauma survivors who are living with Complex PTSD.

People choose to turn away from trauma and ignore the truth, although trauma is everywhere. The news cycle is constantly spitting out story after story of a world full of pain and suffering.

For trauma survivors, looking away is not possible because it is a part of us.

The anger is impossible to ignore.

During my healing journey, I have learned that there are no wrong feelings. It’s how we react to those feelings that proves what kind of people we are.

Dealing with and healing from Complex PTSD presents a complex state of living. Trauma changes the very essence of who we are and how we handle situations. Healing from trauma is like living with grief.

There are five stages of grief during a healing process.

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

Source: Kübler-Ross grief cycle model from article: The Five Stages of Grief: https://www.psycom.net/stages-of-grief

These stages are vital in recovering from grief–and notice how anger is the second on the list. Trauma survivors are familiar with all of these stages, as they regularly appear in our everyday lives.

We experience the grief components of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance over and over. They can happen all at the same time when we are triggered. Thus, trauma survivors may feel things more intensely because it all feels so overwhelming and sudden. We also tend to struggle with grief because those feelings seem so “normal” to us.

Anger

Anger is an intense emotion where the adrenal glands in our bodies release stress hormones called adrenaline and cortisol. We feel flooded with an intense surge of energy as our brain reacts by sending blood away from our core into our muscles so that we are prepared for a physical reaction. Our blood pressure increases with our heart rate, and we experience a rise in body temperature. We might sweat, but our minds are focused and sharp.

Anger is a normal part of the grief process, and I recognize that it plays a big part in the healing from trauma. Feeling angry is natural. You may often feel “on edge” and “irritated” by people around you who simply “don’t get you.”

You have a right to feel angry, but it is how you channel that anger that is vital to your healing journey.

I know by my own experience that when we feel emotional, we aren’t always perceptive to those around us. We often make mistakes, and we apologize or regret our actions afterwards. We frequently take our anger out on the people we love the most, and this emotion shows itself in explosive rages. We know it isn’t right, but we still do it because they are closest to us.

What do you do when you feel angry? Where do you go? Who do you turn to? Is there an outlet where you can channel that anger into?

It is natural to feel angry and for those strong emotions to come to the surface to be dealt with. In fact, it is vital to voice that anger, though it is not healthy to be angry all the time. There has to be a balance in our healing. All feelings are important in our recovery, and anger is one of them. If you are feeling angry every day, your body experiences a chronic surge of stress hormones, which opens you to negative biological side effects like:

  • Headaches
  • Abdominal pain
  • Insomnia
  • Depression
  • High blood pressure
  • Increased anxiety
  • Skin problems

These symptoms are the result of the body being in a heightened state of stress. Too much adrenaline and cortisol are not good for us. Many survivors with Complex PTSD have one or several of these symptoms. If you are feeling out of control emotionally, you need to try to recognize this feeling and incorporate some strategies to help your body get back in control.

Here are some coping strategies  I use when I am feeling angry:

  1. Go for a walk and move away from the situation or people who made you feel angry.
  2. Take notice of your breathing and try to calm your breath to a regular rhythm. If your heart rate is raised, you are not calm! Focus your eyes on a point in the distance and stare at it. Take in the details. What do you see?
  3. Recognize the emotion for what it is. “I’m feeling angry because…” is a great way to start. Let the emotion wash over you like a waterfall.
  4. Once you know why you are angry, come up with a solution for how you can move on.
  5. Do something physical–go for a hike, a run, or do another sport to get rid of the stress hormones in your body. Then stretch or do something to cool down from that activity.
  6. Talk to a friend or someone you trust about how you feel. It is healthy to turn to others in times of stress, and just being listened to and supported can help much more than words.

When I am really angry, I need physical activity to calm my senses. It is the only thing that helps me because, without it, the emotion will only grow. That anger will start to consume me, which is when I start making decisions that are not right for me or those around me. Sport helps me focus, and feel better. Physical movement helps me to experience calmness as the adrenaline of the exertion leaves my body.

Another alternative for me is music, as I play several instruments. I immerse myself in the rhythms and nuances of the vibrations and let the music flow deeply through me. Feeling alive and in the moment are the things that get me through my anger.

A Final Note

Close your eyes for a moment and think about your feelings right now. How are you today? Notice your heartbeat and the rhythm of your breathing. What is your body telling you? If the answer is angry, think about what you can do to feel better. How can you channel that anger?

Do you have a place where you can literally “let it rip”? Do you have such a safe place?

Think of activities you can do when you are angry (or any other emotions you might have). It is always good to have a backup for a rainy day of emotions. It is, after all, thanks to those emotions that we are who we are.

Don’t let anyone tell you that you are less. We are all important, and we each have unique and personal reactions to life events. You do matter ,and healing is hard. It takes time. Express your feelings–get them out and recognize them for what they are. We don’t want to judge what we feel, but we recognize that it is not at all healthy to keep anger, or any of our emotions, locked inside. Find a channel to release them, and get rid of the negativity that burdens the body, the mind, and the soul.

You will feel so much better after you have allowed yourself to experience anger.

My name is Lizzy. I’m a trauma survivor, a wife, a mom, a teacher, and an author.

If you like reading my posts, then please follow me.

For more about me: www.elizabethwoodsauthor.com

Support your fellow writer:

https://ko-fi.com/elizabe69245484

Here are a few links to my top articles:

How To Explain Complex PTSD To Loved Ones

https://medium.com/illumination/how-to-explain-complex-ptsd-to-loved-ones-769f81d437ab

A Search for Identity

https://medium.com/beyond-lines/a-search-for-identity-893df7c970c2

Dealing With Flashbacks

https://medium.com/illumination/dealing-with-flashbacks-1b8c0d94c19d

The Knock on the Door that Changed My World

https://medium.com/illumination/the-knock-on-the-door-that-changed-my-world-ff126c8c07cf

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.
]]> https://cptsdfoundation.org/2025/12/10/6-steps-to-manage-your-anger-from-a-trauma-survivor/feed/ 0 How to Treat General Intense Anger, a Complex PTSD Symptom, in Autistic Adult Clients https://cptsdfoundation.org/2025/07/22/how-to-treat-general-intense-anger-a-complex-ptsd-symptom-in-autistic-adult-clients/ https://cptsdfoundation.org/2025/07/22/how-to-treat-general-intense-anger-a-complex-ptsd-symptom-in-autistic-adult-clients/#comments Tue, 22 Jul 2025 10:39:59 +0000 https://cptsdfoundation.org/?p=987500949 What if your autistic client has immense rage? They are angry that, despite having earned a professional degree, they have been unable to secure a job commensurate with their background and education. They may spend years applying for jobs (only to get rejected constantly) or have horrible work experiences, where they are overqualified, bullied, marginalized, and even fired. They are told that they are not a good friend or relative because they prefer written, rather than verbal, communication. They know they will never get the life they thought they would have. They feel that nothing they do makes a difference. Thus, they are tired of trying, as they feel that playing by the rules got them nowhere. Their intense anger is not surprising.

This vignette may not be all that unique. Autistic people are often marginalized and excluded, not allowed to fully participate in society and live to their potential, because of the ableist world. All too often, they are not fully accepted and included. Instead, they very well may be subjected to neuroableism, “the specific type of ableism experienced by neurodivergent people due to systemic oppression in a supremacist-based society that values neurotypicalness as the ‘right’ way to be, think, and act.” Examples of neuroableism are “[a]ssuming all humans must conform to a specific way of being,” “[e]xpecting all humans to communicate in the same way,” “[j]udging and labeling neurodivergent people according to their ability to assimilate and hide their neurodivergence,” and “[r]efusing to learn to communicate with neurodivergent people in the way they need.”

Throughout their lives, autistic individuals often are expected to act like everyone else.

As autistic autism advocate Scott Frasard wrote, “[s]chools punish autistic children for stimming or not making eye contact,” “[w]orkplaces value ‘good communication skills’ over actual competence,” and “[s]ocial circles reward compliance and shun authenticity.”

Neurodiversity expert Bridgette Hebert Hamstead wrote about how inclusion often means autistic people conforming, not being accepted as their authentic selves:

Too often, inclusion does not mean changing systems to accommodate the needs of neurodivergent individuals. It means asking neurodivergent people to adapt to systems that remain rigid and unchanged. The message is not “we will meet you where you are” but rather “we will let you be here as long as you learn to act like us.” From classrooms to offices, inclusion is frequently contingent on compliance. You can be part of the group, but only if you do not rock the boat. You can join the team, but only if you keep your differences quiet. You can speak up, but only in ways that do not make others uncomfortable.

Hamstead addressed employment, which is key, as autistic people have challenges securing and maintaining employment:

In workplaces, inclusion is often performative. Employers promote diversity initiatives, host awareness events, or celebrate Neurodiversity Week, but they rarely examine the structural barriers that make the workplace inaccessible in the first place. Autistic employees are encouraged to disclose their diagnoses, but once they do, they are expected to work harder to “fit in.” Accommodations are grudgingly granted, if at all. Feedback is filtered through neurotypical standards of professionalism. There is little room for different communication styles, sensory needs, or pacing. The underlying expectation remains the same: adapt or be excluded.

Anger is natural. According to an article published by Harvard Medical School, “[in] psychological terms, anger is a normal emotional response to a person or situation you believe has treated you unfairly or has otherwise been hurtful or harmful.” Anger can be connected to “bullying, trauma, neglect, abuse, rejection, discrimination, or other struggles that may date back to childhood.” Anger can result from unfair treatment by one’s employer and denial of equal access based on illegitimate reasons, including gender and disability.

It is completely understandable that autistic people may have intense rage. They may have been constantly told that how they communicate and even how they exist is unacceptable. As Hamstead wrote:

The truth is, rage is a deeply valid and appropriate response to ableism. It is a valid response to being told your entire life that your way of being in the world is wrong. It is a valid response to being punished for sensory differences, isolated for communication styles, or gaslit by systems that refuse to accommodate your needs. It is a valid response to being infantilized, pathologized, and talked over in conversations about your own identity. It is a valid response to being denied employment, excluded from education, or subjected to harmful therapies because your brain does not function the way others expect it to.

Other sources of anger for autistic people may include sensory stimulation, others’ behavior, disturbance of routine and order, work-related and relationship-related challenges, imperfections of others, stress, and being ignored.

It may be challenging for autistic people to recognize and comprehend their feelings. Autistic people may express anger by yelling, name-calling, hitting, kicking, hurting themselves, biting, scratching, banging their heads, breaking items, and more. However, some of these actions, in modified form, may be used by autistic people to regulate their emotions. For example, some scratching could refocus an autistic person’s thoughts from anger and other negative feelings.

It is vital to address anger. Untreated anger may lead to adverse physical health consequences, including headaches, insomnia, depression, high blood pressure, heart attack, stroke, and more. It may also worsen mental health conditions, including complex PTSD and depression. In addition, as a result of rage, people may develop substance abuse disorder.

When treating an extremely angry autistic client, mental health professionals need to address their thoughts and behavior in order to make the best recommendations to the client.

  • Address your thoughts and behavior:
    • Create a safe neuro-affirming space, where you accept your client’s autism-related behavior.
    • Understand their anger – The world was not built for autistic people. Instead, it was built by allistic (non-autistic) people for allistic people.
    • Realize that an autistic client may have trouble getting through the following five stages of anger: denial, depression, anger, bargaining, and acceptance. It may be extremely difficult for them to accept their situation. They were born autistic and may have major problems because of how unaccepting and ableist the world is.
    • See what could help them when they get angry. – If/when they get angry while meeting with you, you could assist them with their preferred method(s).
    • Realize that you may be one of the few people who are available to talk with them. Many autistic people are socially isolated and lonely.
    • If meeting in person, lend your client fidget toys, which may help your client filter out potentially distracting information, decrease anxiety, and sooth themselves. Do not get distracted and/or thrown off if your client uses a fidget toy.
    • Do not:
      • Get exasperated regarding their intense anger. It is much more difficult to experience their life than to hear about it for a small period of time a week.
      • Get irritated with their autistic-related behavior (i.e., liking to e-mail). If you criticize them, you could trigger them, reminding them of others who have made similar remarks.
      • Trigger them – Triggering them could make them angry. For example, do not use certain words that upset them.
      • Be afraid of your client. Your client may be angry with how the world has treated them, not with you.
      • Get taken aback if your client has trouble with emotional regulation and yells and/or cries. Autistic people often have trouble controlling their emotions.
    • Make recommendations to your client (Be flexible with your recommendations. They may work for your client some days, but not others. Be sensitive to what is happening with your client in the moment.):
      • Encourage them to channel their anger into productive actions. – For example, working on autistic advocacy could help improve the world so others would not have to go through the same experiences as an autistic client. An autistic client can advocate for autism acceptance through various means, including writing, creating videos, speaking, and more.
      • Recommend a stop-think technique, which is similar to cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). Under the stop-think approach, a person stops and speculates whether their thoughts are correct or beneficial, challenges incorrect or non-beneficial thoughts, and develops alternative thoughts.
      • Encourage the creation of an action plan that your client can use regarding anger. The plan could involve methods to distract themselves from situations, remove themselves from situations, avoid incidents that could upset them, and adjust their routines.
      • Suggest that your client practice radical acceptance. Radical acceptance, which is from Dialectic Behavior Therapy, is completely accepting reality instead of fighting it (even if the situation is unfair). Accepting does not mean approval or agreement. Instead, it means acknowledging that something happened. Radical acceptance prevents pain from turning into suffering, and it prevents such thoughts as “This is unfair?” As Hamstead wrote:

 “Radical acceptance is not about giving up or resigning ourselves to suffering. It is about recognizing that who we are is valid, even if we do not fit into the boxes society expects us to occupy. It means accepting our brains, our bodies, our patterns, and our needs as they are, without needing to justify or explain them. It means allowing ourselves to stop performing, stop apologizing, and stop trying to become someone we are not. When we accept ourselves as we are in this moment, with all of our complexities and contradictions, we create space for real change to happen. Not change that comes from pressure or shame, but change that comes from growth, care, and curiosity.”

She also wrote about practicing radical acceptance:

 “We become more present in our lives, less focused on proving our worth and more attuned to what we actually need and want. We begin to create lives where we can thrive—not in spite of our neurodivergence, but because we are finally living in alignment with it.”

Her suggestions on how neurodivergent adults can practice radical acceptance are:

  1. “Notice your internal dialogue.”
  2. “Allow yourself to rest without earning it.”
  3. “Unlearn harmful definitions of success.”
  4. “Practice saying no.”
  5. “Create rituals of self-affirmation.”
  6. “Surround yourself with people who affirm your neurodivergence.”
  7. “Let your body and brain lead.”
  8. “Accept that some days will be harder than others.”
  9. “Release the idea of a ‘perfect version’ of you.”
  10. “Return to acceptance again and again.”

You can educate your client about and help them with radical acceptance. For example, you can use a worksheet and help your client determine what self-affirmation moments would most help them.

However, recognize that your client may have a difficult time with radical acceptance, as in their lived experience, many may not want them and their skills. In addition, realize that your client’s immense anger can motivate them to try to have the world be more accepting of autistic people.

  • Suggest exercise to your client, as physical activity can assist with emotional regulation and stress. However, as autistic people are more likely to be overweight or obese than others, recommendations to exercise could irritate your client. They may know about their weight issues and feel they are going to a therapist for mental health issues, not to be told to exercise.
  • Encourage your client to relax. Ways to relax include deep breathing, tai chi, and other techniques.
  • Encourage your client to attend a support group, as it may be beneficial.

Autistic people have every right to be angry, as they live in a world that was not constructed for them. However, they can be extremely valuable if they are respected, not marginalized. Have empathy for them, as you should for anybody.

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Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

 

]]> https://cptsdfoundation.org/2025/07/22/how-to-treat-general-intense-anger-a-complex-ptsd-symptom-in-autistic-adult-clients/feed/ 1 I Wasn’t Born Hating Myself https://cptsdfoundation.org/2024/06/19/i-wasnt-born-hating-myself/ https://cptsdfoundation.org/2024/06/19/i-wasnt-born-hating-myself/#respond Wed, 19 Jun 2024 13:37:24 +0000 https://cptsdfoundation.org/?p=987489142 The flashbacks were extra intense one night, and my internal anger was boiling over. As an adult, I have always lived alone, so my apartment was my little oasis (and also my torture chamber) where I could express my emotions without people noticing. Most of the apartments I lived in after I left my parents’ house were situated such that I had a decent amount of privacy on the edge of the building without tenants close by, so my screaming and yelling in the privacy of my room to get my emotions out were a regular and private occurrence. 

I was used to putting on a smile in public and controlling what was going on inside of me to the point where I got many comments from people in my life that they would never have guessed the level of suffering I was experiencing due to how well I concealed it. There were many times I lashed out at people, but almost everyone has had those instances at some point in their life. In general, it was a daily ritual of mine to power through school and work, which were great distractions for me, with a smile on my face, offering those around me the kindness that I wasn’t able to give myself, and I would return home to begin my rituals of self-torture and punishment.  

That night, I was trying to think of ways to calm myself down. I wanted to understand better what I was so angry about. I thought maybe I was getting super angry because I hated all the people who hurt me and hadn’t forgiven them yet. I had been searching for practical ways to forgive for so long because I couldn’t seem to figure it out. I read books, listened to podcasts,  and analyzed scriptures. I started questioning if I had ever had hatred for another human being in my heart and, if so, who? 

But when I finally got my answer, I hated one human being

I even got out a pen and paper and started trying to write down the names of all the people I hated. I sat there dumbfounded. There has to be at least one, I kept thinking as I shook my pen, trying to figure out who it was. I couldn’t think of anyone. I never once hated another human being and repeatedly worked to forgive and see the goodness in those who hurt me, even when they hurt me deeply.  

But when I finally got my answer, I hated one human being. And I hated her with a fiery, burning passion hotter than the heat of the bright, burning sun. 

It was me. I hated her. I hated my own guts. 

In fact, I hated my own name. I hated even thinking about it. Anytime someone called my name, even if it was a family member or friend trying to get my attention, it would spark flashbacks, and my body would jolt.

I very reluctantly started writing my own name with shaking hands and got through the first three letters, “Nat,” which is a nickname that many people in my life call me, before the tears started viciously flowing. I really did hate every fiber of my being, and I punished myself in ways that were too personal to mention. 

I Wasn’t Born Hating Myself

I wasn’t born hating myself. Society taught me to hate myself. The control systems of the world taught me to hate myself. Other people taught me to hate myself. I taught myself to hate myself. But unfortunately, no matter what was done to me, it was me who had become my biggest abuser. 

I couldn’t see the goodness in myself or forgive myself like I could with others. I couldn’t see what other people saw in me. I was punishing myself for things that weren’t even my fault to begin with. And over time, I hated my own guts more and more.  

Living in a “Never Good Enough” Society

Almost from the moment we are born, we are constantly shown signs of why we are not good enough. The indoctrination starts just about as soon as we exit the womb. We are fed marketing campaigns to tell us that we need these shoes, that makeup, this car. We are put in school programs that stifle our creativity as we try to make perfect grades and hit the requirements of what is asked of us to prepare us to follow rules and conform. Western society convinces us that we need labels, gimmicks, and symbols of status and prestige. We’re told that all these things will make us happy. But no matter what I obtained, they didn’t truly fulfill me. I was trapped in a cycle of needing the “next best thing” to keep up with constantly changing trends. 

Eventually, no matter what I obtained for myself, I was still in so much pain. I was willing to trade in all my material possessions and live in a cardboard box if it meant having freedom in my mind and body. I no longer cared about what I knew wouldn’t bring me fulfillment. I truly just wanted peace and contentment. It took much undoing and untraining for my brain to realize that I never needed all the gimmicks I thought I needed to be worthy or “good enough.” I can still be successful in my own way, and it doesn’t require labels. For me, my greatest success has been working my butt off to heal from the pain in my body that was in survival mode for the majority of my formative years. Nothing else mattered to me once I experienced true freedom, and the temporary things that I once thought would bring me fulfillment became last year’s news once I started being genuinely content (you can’t take your stuff with you when you die!). Of course, it is important to take care of ourselves and have enough to live comfortably. But I no longer felt the need to be a superstar in the corporate world, even though that was a goal of mine at one point. As a teenager who was passionate about computer science, I once dreamed of becoming a Chief Information Officer of a big tech company. But my life has changed so much, and my trauma made me reevaluate what was really important to me so that being a leader in the corporate world is actually the last thing I want. I’m currently working a simple job that works for me, pays my bills, and gives me enough to save and experience fun things with my family and friends when I’m not working. I spend the rest of my time on my healing journey and pursuing my personal passions that I don’t want or need to monetize. I don’t feel the need to run my version of the rat race. In fact, today, I am quite a minimalist and am content with my possessions, my finances, my home, and the simplicity of my life of newfound freedom. I truly do feel free. I also believe that, since I am in my mid-twenties, this doesn’t mean that once I take some time to relax and enjoy a simple life, I can’t go back to being ambitious in other ways but on my own time. Then, I will be able to conquer those things with peace and freedom rather than with constant anxiety. 

True Contentment Comes From Within

True contentment was always within me. I never needed anything else. Once I became content with myself, I made the decision to do the things that make me happy and not worry about chasing after the next best thing. For me, my greatest possessions are my moments of genuine contentment and freedom. Loving myself has allowed me the opportunity to love others much more than I was capable of before. 

The notion that loving ourselves and taking care of ourselves is narcissistic or selfish is pretty foolish to me. The fear of being labeled narcissistic, arrogant, cocky, selfish, or a braggart was what kept me in my self-loathing for so long. I was terrified to appear too confident in myself because I knew that I had made some people uncomfortable before. I had many moments of confidence and personal success, and when I received pushback from others who were not happy for me but instead angered by my joy, I began to question if I was acting arrogant for feeling proud of myself. However, this is not logical. We are absolutely allowed to feel proud of ourselves when we reach personal milestones. I also believe it is possible to find a healthy balance between confidence and humility without being arrogant. The easiest thing for an outsider to do—if they feel upset about, jealous of, or threatened by someone’s genuine contentment and confidence—is to label them negatively to make themselves feel better about their own self-loathing and their fears of embracing their own self-confidence for fear of the same pushback they give to others. 

I had to get over my fear of loving myself as well as the fear of what others would think about that. Loving myself and taking care of myself is not selfish. It is a requirement to survive. It is a requirement to maintain a job. It is a requirement to make a difference in the lives of others. It is a requirement if I desire to be a wife and mom in the future because I cannot take care of other people if I cannot take care of myself.  

We Must Love Ourselves as Much as We Love Others

For the longest time, I had so much love to give everyone except for myself. It got to a point where I was overcompensating by giving to others because I thought my worth came from what other people thought of me. My giving nature drove me crazy, especially when it got to the point that it was at the expense of my own well-being, and I could not take care of myself. I had to take active steps to start genuinely loving myself before I set back out to love others even more than I did before. During my healing process, I finally started to see bits and pieces of the deep love that the other people in my life always had for me. Loving myself has made loving others so much easier.

I always wanted to help others by sharing my story. But first, the process had to start with me. Once I put in the work and overcame my own challenges, I felt ready to share my story with the world. 

 

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

]]> https://cptsdfoundation.org/2024/06/19/i-wasnt-born-hating-myself/feed/ 0 Trauma Survivors, Your Anger is Not Your Own https://cptsdfoundation.org/2024/06/05/trauma-survivors-your-anger-is-not-your-own-2/ https://cptsdfoundation.org/2024/06/05/trauma-survivors-your-anger-is-not-your-own-2/#comments Wed, 05 Jun 2024 11:17:53 +0000 https://cptsdfoundation.org/?p=987489303 Writer’s Note: In this post, I discuss my experiences with psych medications. I am not against psych medications and tried many over the years. But for me, they did not resolve my symptoms and created more side effects since my issues were chronic and a result of trauma. Do what works best for you, and always consult with a doctor. Never stop or taper off medications without medical supervision. 

“Anger” is a loaded word, especially when used against trauma survivors who retain anger as a natural reaction to their abuse. 

My years of trauma caused a lot of built-up anger in me. But, once I started to heal and gradually escaped my constant fight-or-flight mode, I realized that I was not a naturally angry person at my core. This surprised me because I had previously accepted the fact that I was just born an angry person and that, as a highly sensitive person, I was just naturally set off by small things.

I Wasn’t Really an Angry Person

Discovering that anger isn’t my natural state but that my anger was a result of my body storing a great deal of trauma was a watershed moment for me. For so long, I had a seething mass of internal anger that ate me alive and made me hate living in my own body. I would go home, lock myself away, and scream obscenities at myself in the mirror, all while trying to fathom what I had been through. In retrospect, my body was trying to release the anger that had been stored up from years of trauma that I had not fully faced or released. While I believe it is necessary and even healthy to release those emotions constructively, I held it in publicly and chose to take it out on myself when I returned home. (Which, at the time, was the only way I knew how.)

What was I so angry about? I wasn’t so sure at the time. I just looked in the mirror, opened my mouth, and let the bile and hatred pour out of me, and it felt uncontrollable. I thought screaming these things would make me feel better and offer me some form of closure on what I had been through, but they didn’t. The more hatred and vitriol poured out of me, the angrier I became. 

But looking back, I was simply angry about the trauma I had suffered.  The things that had happened to me? They made me angry.

Trauma survivors, I want to assure you of something. Those things that happened to you and to me? They are not fair. They are not okay. They are not right. But guess what? 

Your anger is valid.  Your anger is real. Your anger needs an outlet. But you have a choice.

You can let the anger consume you for the rest of your life or do something else entirely. 

You Have a Choice

I actually used to get really angry when people told me: “You have a choice.” 

My 90-year-old grandmother, one of my best friends, was someone who would tell me this all the time. She would end her calls with a saying that she loved, and I could hear her smiling through the phone. She said, “If it is to be, it is up to me.” It’s a quirky saying, and I really do love it now, but I would often scoff after I hung up the phone. She doesn’t get it, I would think. (Looking back, maybe I should have understood that she had more than six decades of life experience with me.)

After hearing so many people tell me that I have a choice, I would just get angry again. I would think: I really don’t have a choice. These flashbacks, thoughts, and memories are so intrusive. They just don’t get it because they don’t have C-PTSD. If they had been through what I had been through, they’d understand and be angry. Being told that I’m making the choice to be miserable is so insensitive. And I would let the anger continue to consume me. 

These are the kinds of thoughts I had. While there’s some truth to them, especially in thinking that some people don’t understand my traumatic experiences, the fact that we all have a choice regarding our anger does not minimize the truth. 

Once I accepted the fact that I did have a choice as to whether I let these flashbacks take over my mind for the rest of my life, I got to work on making the choice to overcome my symptoms.

Healing starts with a choice

It doesn’t mean that these things will clear out overnight. In fact, for some, it may be years, even decades, before they do. I know C-PTSD survivors in their 50s and 60s who still struggle in this way, and that is not their fault; they just haven’t been helped in the proper ways.

Take Baby Steps to Heal Your Nervous System

Healing is about implementing the proper tools little by little. Make the choice to take baby steps that result in a healing journey. 

One of my baby steps in controlling my nervous system was getting outside for 5 to 10 minutes a day. It doesn’t sound like much to some people, but I had been so isolated for so long and my body and nervous system were so frail that I was not used to being outdoors hardly at all. I had also been heavily medicated on psych medications for many years, and being in the sun while on those medications can cause harmful side effects. 

Once I had gotten off all my psych medications (all tapered off with the help of my psychiatrist—do not taper off medications on your own!), I made time daily to be outside in natural sunlight. I would go outside for those few minutes, ensuring I had enough skin showing by wearing a tank top so the sun could beat down on my shoulders, sitting by the lake for 5 to 10 minutes with my feet in the grass. I would set my timer, practice breathing during my time outside, and go back inside once it was done. The whole experience was so intense that I would have to go back inside and sleep for a few hours because that’s how exhausted my body was just being exposed to the sun and the outside world after years of isolation. 

I kept doing this daily, gradually increasing my time outside, and my efforts sparked results. This year, I am able to spend hours outside. I will even bring my laptop to the park and work remotely for a few hours. I will lie down in the grass and practice my breathwork, and the sun feels amazing on my skin. I still do feel exhausted after being in the sun, but it’s a healthy level of exhaustion, and it’s to the point where I can continue on with my day without taking a nap. 

After understanding why I had so much anger in my body and making the choice to work through it, I discovered that, at my core, I’m not an angry person. There’s little that makes me that angry anymore. It’s so freeing to feel this way because I never thought I could get to this point. In the past, small things would spark anger, making my daily life unmanageable. But today, anger is the exception, not the rule. I feel a consistent amount of peace and freedom. Many people, even those who don’t identify with C-PTSD or PTSD, struggle with road rage. I will unashamedly raise my hand and say that I was one of them, especially after living in big cities for so long. But I practice driving very calmly now and do not experience road rage. Even when someone cuts me off in traffic, I don’t feel anger and don’t scream and yell—I just brush it off and chalk it up to that person having a bad day and continue focusing on driving safely. Or, if I’m in public and someone says something stupid to me or gets angry at me, I can stay calm and not angrily lash back at them. In the past, I would have felt the need to fight back and prove them wrong; now, I just move along and let them feel their anger—because it is not my own.

To all trauma survivors who struggle with anger, have patience with yourself and understand that it was never your anger to begin with. Take baby steps to realize you can work through it, you can release it, and that a consistently calm world is waiting for you at the end of the path.

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels

 

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

]]> https://cptsdfoundation.org/2024/06/05/trauma-survivors-your-anger-is-not-your-own-2/feed/ 2 Do No Harm.  Take No Sh*t:  How Healthy Anger Helps us Recover https://cptsdfoundation.org/2024/05/30/do-no-harm-take-no-sht-how-healthy-anger-helps-us-recover/ https://cptsdfoundation.org/2024/05/30/do-no-harm-take-no-sht-how-healthy-anger-helps-us-recover/#comments Thu, 30 May 2024 09:22:00 +0000 https://cptsdfoundation.org/?p=987489291 Among the limited options available to manage relational trauma as children and teens, many of us with early relational wounding took the behavioral route of being reserved, respectful, compliant, and often tuned into others’ needs above our own.  With this scripted option to manage an abusive environment, we learned to “do no harm” and, in fact, may have evolved instead to be particularly sensitive, kind, and empathic towards others.

What was less developed were the part(s) of us who needed to learn to “take no sh*t.”  We learned, or were forced to learn, to relinquish our innate “fight” response, which would have created healthy boundaries; to do anything like asserting ourselves with appropriate anger threatened those with power over us.  Back then, it invited the real possibility of dangerous reprisals.   So, we shut it down.

There’s a trifecta of choices to respond to caregiver threats

With relational trauma, there’s a trifecta of choices to respond to caregiver threats; they are commonly known as fight, flight and freeze responses. A fourth response—fawn—is a strategy identified by Pete Walker that has been the missing piece to complete the CPTSD response repertoire. In my view, “fawn” responses are adaptive responses often derisively labeled in adulthood as being “people pleasing” or “co-dependent.”

Kids who went the “fawn” route were part of the quiet brigade.  They were the ones who generally didn’t act out but were good, kind, cooperative, or responsible people.  They perhaps performed well in life and probably looked good from the outside. But, underneath appearances, these kids were really too good for their own good.  Because they had to relinquish any “fight” or self-protective anger at their mistreatment, they lost access to a key emotion that guards personal integrity and a cohesive sense of self–healthy anger.

The biological, evolutionary, and social function of anger is to help us know our boundaries and empower us to set them.  Much of the relearning in healing from early relational trauma is coming to recognize, accept, and comfortably express our anger in appropriate and clarifying ways.  Healthy anger, when reclaimed, is not only a birthright but a way through which we rebuild our vitality.  The tricky part for people scripted in the fawn response is that often, even a hint of anger is immediately traded out for another emotion, particularly shame.  This happens so quickly that one is ashamed before registering, and one might be self-protectively angry.

Shame is an emotion that can bind every other emotion.  Typically, with the fawn response, shame is managed with “withdrawal” or “attack self” scripts.  Both of these scripts adaptively served to make us smaller targets for continued abuse while regrettably shutting down our access to self-protection.

Because we came to understand anger as an emotion of “power over,” thus something wounding and to be avoided, we have to begin by redefining what healthy anger is for us.  Healthy anger does not trample over other’s thoughts, feelings, or boundaries.  Healthy anger actually seeks “power with” another person by clarifying the terms of the relationship in a cooperative, honest, and restorative way.  Begin by redefining anger for yourself by asking these questions:

How did I come to understand what anger was?  How did I see anger displayed or expressed in my family?  Or did it go underground?

What positive or negative associations do I make to having anger, my anger or another’s?

Do I feel ashamed or guilty when I feel angry?   

What is my anger “style”?  Do I shut down, lash out, or chastise myself for having anger?

What small steps may I take to begin to connect with and name my anger?  For instance, how do I know when I’m mildly angry?  What physical sensations do I feel…a clenching in my solar plexus, heat in my chest, a reddening of my face, clenching my jaw or fists?

As you identify, elaborate, and define how you experience your anger, the next step is to get clear about the issue(s) your anger is spotlighting.  Before acting on the anger, sit with it long enough to define the problem and the solution or clarification you seek.  Finally, gradually learn to “speak for your anger, not from your anger,” meaning let anger inform you while at the same time speaking from a measured place of clarity, decisiveness, and respect for yourself and the other.  None of this is clean or easy.   However, the “trial and error” effort is worth the reclamation of an incredibly important and empowering source for setting boundaries and finding a new sense of self-worth and emotional vitality.

Image credit:  Mauro Savoca/Pexels

 

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

]]> https://cptsdfoundation.org/2024/05/30/do-no-harm-take-no-sht-how-healthy-anger-helps-us-recover/feed/ 6 Self – Harming: When Living is Overwhelming https://cptsdfoundation.org/2022/11/30/self-harming-when-living-is-overwhelming/ https://cptsdfoundation.org/2022/11/30/self-harming-when-living-is-overwhelming/#comments Wed, 30 Nov 2022 10:58:24 +0000 https://cptsdfoundation.org/?p=245306 Just as suicidal ideation is now openly discussed, so is self-harming. Unfortunately, those who need emotional and physical support, are being shamed and labelled as attention-seeking. Some call it a cry for help. So, why isn’t there more support and care for those who injure themselves? They need places where they can safely share their feelings and experiences, because, yes, it is a cry for help. It is an attempt to express and show the despair locked within them. How can we support someone in need and how do we support ourselves through this?

** TRIGGER WARNING – Mention of self-harm/ injury. ** Take care when reading this article.

I don’t exactly remember when I started self-injuring, probably around 11 years old. I scratched the back of my hands or used sharp objects to scratch my arms. How superficial it was at this stage; my inner pain and terror were real. I wasn’t allowed to express my inner turmoil; my actions and my behaviour spoke louder but were ridiculed and minimised. I was being a teenager, a very difficult one. I was told I had nothing in my head and was always unhappy to start with.

Much later in my life, after years of not physically harming myself, one evening brought strong rejection/ abandonment trauma up and I cut myself. It was no longer superficial. I did it for years, secretly. I also starved myself. I wanted to disappear, or better still: I wanted to die. The thing was: I was a mother. A stressed out, single mother with little support. So, I held on, one day at a time. It left me exhausted though. My pain needed out. When I was really unwell, I overdosed a few times, one of them I was driven to A&E. Taking meds, any meds in the hope to fall into oblivion, even just for a few minutes is another form of self-harm. It is also dangerous to our bodies, even if we survive.

There are millions of reasons why someone hurt themselves. Most of the time it can be traced back to a stressful or traumatic event. For children and teenagers, victims of abuse at home or/and at school, who have nobody to turn to, or who have reached out but have been dismissed, the pain, the sadness, and the feeling of abandonment are deep. Without a safe outlet and a safe person to experience these raw emotional flashbacks with, the pressure builds up and needs to be let out. For me, it was also to show how much I was hurting on the inside as I have been told I don’t look depressed or traumatised. Because of my appearance, my difficulties weren’t taken seriously.

The question to ask, isn’t: “Why are you hurting yourself?” but: “What is hurting you?”, or “What is happening to you?” Whatever comes up, needs to be accepted as it is. Sometimes, we don’t get any answers: the pain is so overwhelming, it is hard to express through words, especially for children and teenagers. “It is no big deal. I don’t want to talk about it.” this is a hard response to accept. As parents. we want to know so we can make it all better. As friends, we want to help too.

If young people’s suffering is being downplayed because “They are teenagers.” Adults who self-injure are called childish, and immature. For all, this behaviour is labeled as a cry for help, attention seeking. It is a cry for help, one that has been left unheard, or worse completely ignored, for too long. It isn’t attention seeking, it is connection seeking. We, human beings, thrive and heal through connections, loving, accepting, and safe/ respectful connections.

In the instance someone you love is self-harming, pushing for an answer, for a conversation, a resolution isn’t helpful. We can’t shame anyone into recovery. We can’t love anyone into recovery either. The priority needs to be ourselves so we can keep on being this kind, accepting loving presence for our closest and dearest, who are suffering. For parents. it is heartbreaking. Of course, our responsibility is to keep our children safe and if the self-harm means our children land in A&E, it is distressing. No matter what we do to avoid any more injuries, they find ways to do so. We might feel guilty for not being more vigilant. We might start going through their bedroom and hiding blades, knives, etc. We are on alert and worried. Self-care still needs to be a priority so we can be a lighthouse in our children’s turbulent times. Mind offers good guidance on their website: “Helping someone who self-Harm”. And Mumsnet has a wonderful article: “What you can do if you know or suspect your teenager is self-harming“

If you are self-harming/ injuring: I am sorry you are in so much pain. I know you aren’t being difficult, or dramatic. You are hurting and your experience matter. I really hope you have at least one person you can turn to, someone you can really rely on. I also know that many of you don’t have such a person in your life. Getting access to affordable person-centered, trauma-informed, and compassionate therapies is harder than ever because of the lack of funds and the never-ending economic crisis. You can check the links below for help.  You aren’t being immature, and you aren’t disordered. You are suffering.

The mind gives tips for coping with urges to self-harm right now

The way I was able to stop self-cutting was by reminding myself that I will no longer hurt myself the way my family hurt me. I started to eat again when I started to approach this behaviour with Self-Compassion. Was it easy? Is it easy? No. It is an ongoing process. The way someone can stop themselves from hurting themselves is very personal. There is no one solution fitting all. The best remedies are patience, loving kindness, acceptance and (self) Compassion while safely exploring what lies beneath the physical wounds.

Helpful websites:

Love & Light

Sylvie

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

]]> https://cptsdfoundation.org/2022/11/30/self-harming-when-living-is-overwhelming/feed/ 3 The Dread-Part I https://cptsdfoundation.org/2022/09/28/the-dread-part-i/ https://cptsdfoundation.org/2022/09/28/the-dread-part-i/#comments Wed, 28 Sep 2022 10:00:48 +0000 https://cptsdfoundation.org/?p=243903  

What is The Dread?

The Dread. That sounds rather odd doesn’t it? It makes dread personal. Like a living thing that comes in and out of my life as it pleases. Well, that’s exactly what it feels like. In author, Stephanie Foo’s excellent book about recovery from CPTSD, What My Bones Know, she coins the phrase, “The Dread.” It struck a chord in me. I can’t think of a better name for this life altering, nagging suffering than, “The Dread.”

Is it anxiety? Is it fear? Is it stress? Is it threat? I would answer that it is all of those things and more. The Dread is the anticipation of anxiety, fear, stress or threat. It comes to me unbidden. A job change? Conflict? Frustration? Technology? The future? Money? Performance? Medical appointments? These things and many more alert The Dread that it is time to show up. And show up it does.

It hangs over everything seeking to destroy anything good or any enjoyment I might have out of life. It makes me afraid of everything; afraid to try, afraid to live. How do I explain this phenomenon? Where does it come from? Why are survivors of early childhood trauma plagued by The Dread?

The Dread is directly connected to the nightmare that was my childhood. As soon as I am old enough to have memory, my mind and emotions have already acclimated to constant threat, terror, and boundary crossing. As a child,The Dread helped me anticipate abuse. It told me to be careful. “Now is the time to go hide until the threat has passed.” I learned to expect dread and it came to live within my heart, even when there was calm. Nothing belonged to me, not even my own body. All I had were my inner thoughts and my abusers even tried to control those. When abuse is unremitting, dread moves in to stay. Even after I grew up and left my abusive family, I continued to live with The Dread. 

Our nervous system is hardwired for threat. The Dread’s original purpose was as an alert to danger. It existed for our survival and protection. Eric Gentry, author of Forward Facing Freedom, says that “The Dread (my term) is an automatic response to perceived danger that exists entirely within our own bodies and minds. It is the sympathetic nervous system alerting the fight or flight response.” Because it is so deeply hardwired into our brain, The Dread is a difficult monster to banish. 

A survivor friend once shared with me that she just couldn’t get up enough courage to move toward healing. Courage is not the problem. I suspect it is The Dread doing its deadly work in her life again. The Dread becomes a fifty foot wall every time we approach healing. Why? Because in order to dismantle The Dread, you have to stop trying to avoid it. And that feels worse than The Dread does. We blame ourselves for The Dread, or for responding to The Dread. In the words of my favorite therapist, “You are not flawed. You have a wound.” In other words, it is not your fault, and you haven’t caused this.

This blog series about The Dread will run in four parts.  1. What is it?  2. The Lies of The Dread. 3. The Narcissist and The Dread. 4. How to banish The Dread. I hope you’ll stick with me and send your comments and insights via email or the question box on the front page of my website. My next series of podcasts will also be about The Dread. Click and subscribe and leave a comment on Youtube. Defy Trauma, Embrace Joy…let’s banish The Dread forever!

To contact the author and to receive a free trauma-informed newsletter, video, and worksheet every Friday, sign up at:

https://authorrebekahbrown.com/

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

]]> https://cptsdfoundation.org/2022/09/28/the-dread-part-i/feed/ 2 Betrayal Trauma & CPTSD https://cptsdfoundation.org/2022/09/22/betrayal-trauma-cptsd/ https://cptsdfoundation.org/2022/09/22/betrayal-trauma-cptsd/#comments Thu, 22 Sep 2022 18:59:53 +0000 https://cptsdfoundation.org/?p=244414

Credit: Karla Ruiz

What is Betrayal Trauma?

  • How do you begin to heal when you discover that your partner has been unfaithful?
  • How do you learn to trust again when a family member has betrayed you?
  • How do you move forward when your boss abused their position of power and sexually harassed you?

In the wake of a betrayal, many people feel their world has been shattered. Some are left wondering whether they even have a future at all. Betrayal and the ensuing sense of despondence can leave victims with chronic distrust problems and crippling self-doubt. Being betrayed by a trusted person can have a long-lasting impact on physical and mental well-being and compromises the ability to form lasting relationships with others.

In her article ‘Understanding Complex Trauma, Complex Reactions, and Treatment Approaches’  Dr. Christine Courtois highlights the interconnectedness of betrayal trauma and Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD), stating that “complex trauma generally refers to traumatic stressors that are interpersonal, that is, they are premeditated, planned, and caused by other humans, such as violating and/or exploitation of another person” (Courtois, 2019). Betrayal causes immense emotional pain and has far-reaching physical and psychological consequences, which are not easily overcome in a day, a week, a month, or even a year. Some people never get over the impact of betrayal. Healing from betrayal requires intense reflection and work on personal growth to rebuild a sense of worthiness, self-confidence, and belonging. Learning to trust others is one of the most difficult hurdles to overcome. Recovery from betrayal is isolating and painfully difficult and often leads to a transformation of the self.

Types of Betrayal

The most common types of betrayal include the disclosing of confidential information, disloyalty, infidelity, and dishonesty. At the least, betrayal causes shock, loss, anger, and grief; at worst, it can cause anxiety disorders and PTSD (Rachman, 2010).

Examples of betrayal:

  • Discovering that your husband/wife/partner had a physical, emotional or online affair.
  • Finding out that your husband/wife/partner has engaged in addictive behaviour, e.g. drug-taking, gambling, porn.
  • Experiencing sexual, physical and emotional abuse at the hands of a family member or by a key relationship.
  • Discovering that your friend told someone a secret that you entrusted them with.
  • Finding out that your co-worker used your work as their own to elevate their status.
  • When your family justifies your partner’s abusive behaviour.
  • When a boss abuses their position of power and takes advantage of you.
  • Failure to offer or provide support and assistance during times of physical or emotional need.

Types of Betrayal Trauma

  • Institutional
  • Parental
  • Partner
  • Interpersonal, e.g. friends.

Additionally, any of these types of betrayal trauma may be accompanied by ‘betrayal blindness’,  an unawareness or forgetting of the act of betrayal. (Freyd, 1999).  This adaptive response may be associated with betrayals not traditionally recognised as trauma, such as adultery, inequities in the workplace and society, etc. Victims may unwittingly manifest symptoms of betrayal blindness to preserve the relationships and social systems upon which they depend. (Freyd, 2021). 

Symptoms of Betrayal Trauma 

  • Chronic mistrust
  • Commitment issues
  • Flashbacks
  • Nightmares
  • Hopelessness
  • Dissociation
  • OCD
  • Emotional dysregulation
  • Confusion & self-doubt
  • Panic, anxiety & depression
  • Irritability and rage
  • Fear
  • Toxic shame and guilt
  • Low self-esteem
  • Loss of confidence & self-worth
  • Extreme exhaustion
  • Withdrawal from social interactions
  • Difficulty maintaining relationships

Childhood trauma and the associated betrayal can elicit symptoms that continue through adulthood and often prevent the formation of deep, intimate relationships due to past experiences. The severity of betrayal trauma is complex because it concerns not only the experience of the act of abuse but also the experience of being betrayed by a trusted person or someone the victim relies on for support and survival. Symptoms of betrayal trauma do not meet the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders 5 (DSM-5) diagnostic criteria for PTSD. However, symptoms of betrayal trauma are closely related to those of CPTSD which occurs as a result of abuse and ongoing trauma. (Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders: DSM-5-TR 2022)

Feelings and effects of betrayal such as degradation, rejection, and humiliation can be catastrophic and life-changing. Betrayal on any level causes immense emotional pain and can be incredibly isolating, but with professional help, therapy, and support, many trauma victims go on to live fulfilling lives. Trauma-informed therapy, such as that offered by the C-PTSD Foundation, helps individuals move forward in their personal and professional lives with ongoing support that promotes healing and recovery. Some individuals with extensive trauma histories may remain in therapy for years; however, recovery is possible with a trauma-informed approach and lots of determination and support.

References

  • Courtois, C. A. (2019). Understanding Complex Trauma, Complex Reactions, and Treatment Approaches. Understanding complex trauma, complex reactions, and treatment approaches – Gift From Within. Retrieved from
  • American Psychiatric Association. (2022). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders: Dsm-5-Tr. 
  • Freyd, J. J. (1999, June). Blind to Betrayal: New Perspectives on Memory for Trauma. Retrieved from https://dynamic.uoregon.edu/jjf/articles/freyd99.pdf
  • Freyd, J. J. (2021). What is a Betrayal Trauma? What is Betrayal Trauma Theory? Definition of Betrayal Trauma Theory. Retrieved from https://dynamic.uoregon.edu/jjf/defineBT.html
  • Rachman, S. (2010). Betrayal: A psychological analysis. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 48(4), 304–311. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.brat.2009.12.002

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

]]> https://cptsdfoundation.org/2022/09/22/betrayal-trauma-cptsd/feed/ 17 Love’s Outrage https://cptsdfoundation.org/2022/08/25/loves-outrage/ https://cptsdfoundation.org/2022/08/25/loves-outrage/#respond Thu, 25 Aug 2022 11:47:38 +0000 https://cptsdfoundation.org/?p=243802  

In preparing the blog this week, I thought about the outrage survivors often feel. We are told to “move on,” “forgive,” “hurt people hurt people,” “why can’t you just get over it?” and a host of other minimizing comments. The outrage is there for a reason, and you should listen to it. Your soul is talking to you and you need to hear what it has to say. 

Instead of seeing outrage and its symptoms; anger, fury, and rage as signs that something is wrong with you. The opposite is true. Something is very, very, right with you. You are responding to indescribable pain correctly. You should be outraged at what has happened. Love has been offended. The love that should exist between parent and child. The love one should have for oneself. The love that belongs within the bonds of a family. The love within friendships. The love between husband and wife. The love that says: you belong, you are welcomed, you are special, you deserve respect because you exist. Love is outraged. Anger is a byproduct, but it is love that knows things should have been different. 

When I feel overwhelmed by the toll trauma has taken from my life, I am outraged. It is outrageous that anyone would feel they have the right to inflict such pain on another human being. I am right to be angry and outraged because I have experienced a traumatic wound that changed the entire trajectory of my life. Losses that can never be recovered, relationships that will never be repaired, accomplishments that will never occur. But at the very center of all of those feelings, past the by-products of anger and rage sits the very heart of the matter—love. And it is the love I want to listen to. And it is love by which I want to live my life. 

I want to honor my pain and listen to its outrage by turning trauma on its head. My anger and rage become a springboard and instead of tearing me apart, it drives me toward love. Love of myself— that inspires me to heal. Love of the world— that encourages me to add something good to it. Love of others—causes me to reach out in friendship. This kind of love triumphs over evil. This kind of love puts wings to outrage and does not allow the abusers and narcissists to win. Love is so outraged, that it urges us to resist the darkness and do the opposite of what was done. Embrace love’s outrage. Then you’ll defy trauma and embrace…joy!

Follow me on social media and watch my youtube channel, defy trauma embrace joy.com. For a free trauma-informed newsletter, video, and worksheet, sign up at: authorrebekahbrown.com

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

]]> https://cptsdfoundation.org/2022/08/25/loves-outrage/feed/ 0 Scapegoated! https://cptsdfoundation.org/2022/07/06/scapegoated/ https://cptsdfoundation.org/2022/07/06/scapegoated/#comments Wed, 06 Jul 2022 19:22:35 +0000 https://cptsdfoundation.org/?p=242322 Scapegoated!  (as published in The Friday Edition of HeartBalm Healing at https://heartbalm.substack.com)

For the adult who blames themselves – who see things go wrong around them and perceives the familiar feelings of self-blame, guilt, shame, and “it’s my fault” wash over them you recognize these feelings as the family scapegoat. I still feel these pangs of dread and assume I am to blame for all that goes wrong. I was programmed so early in my life to believe that I was at fault for all that was wrong in my family household and world. A difficult emotion arises in a family member – it’s my fault, a challenge arises – it’s my fault, my mother’s dessert isn’t perfect – it’s my fault, the carpet isn’t vacuumed well enough – it’s my fault, my brother gets caught smoking in school – oh poor dear son, I am reprimanded at school for chewing gum – I’m a horrible human being that must be grounded and punished.

As I got older it felt like there was a handbook given out to allegiant family members, and loyal friends who joined in treating me as the scapegoat, using and labeling me as the family problem and black sheep, just as my queen mother had outlined and decided. Even now as an adult, living so far away and visiting occasionally they still find ways to project their bullshit onto me. Even now, when they know I will not put up with it there is still something there that gives them the hubris, and permission to humiliate me, treat me as the problem, ambush me with their nonsense, and generally continue to treat me as they always have, like I am nothing and not even part of the family. I was repeatedly told from a very young age that I was adopted, or that I was hatched because I didn’t have a birthmark. I was a twin so knew full well that this was untrue. While it was couched in their sick humor, the repetitive nature of it alongside the ongoing abuses did a lot of damage.

My penchant for the truth started very early and as they say, scapegoats in the family structure are usually the truth-tellers; the ones that will not sell their soul to become something that the abuser, and in my case the narcissistic abuser wants. I never understood the bullying, the scapegoating, the gaslighting, and the lies and manipulation. When I tried to reason with my mother, my main abuser, her lies would just continue and her position of power would overwhelm me, and I was left in utter confusion, lack of affection, empathy, or understanding, cold and alone. I remember deciding at an early age to begin to memorize the dictionary because I thought if I knew all the words, and could understand adult vocabulary I could plead my case, and make her understand. I could stand up to her and say effectively what was wrong and make it all make sense. I was very smart which did not help me in this or many other situations in these cases, although at that age I did not know any better. I don’t know how far I got in memorizing the dictionary but now I know it would have never made any difference. Nothing I would’ve tried, attempted, fixed, or not fixed would ever make a difference. You can’t speak the truth or argue the facts with abusers, especially when your mother and her minions have a deceitful agenda.

As the scapegoat child, any ‘argument’ you have with your wounded unhealthy parent – has no beginning, middle or end. It’s not meant to.

_Mary Toolan

As I grew up I realized that all I could tolerate was the truth. I would tell boyfriends that they should be honest with me always because no matter what they tried to hide – the truth would always find me – even if I wasn’t looking for it, or didn’t need or want to know. I was a magnet for the truth and still am – it finds me wherever I am. It is not always welcome but I am grateful nevertheless, for something reliable and constant in my life that walks with me as a beacon of light, and authenticity; this beacon that has lit my way through the darkness on so many occasions and stages of my life. This truth has made me face things I would not normally have faced or at the very least, taken me much longer to understand or deal with. It doesn’t help my very ‘fighty’ / ‘flighty’ nervous system but even in that sacrifice, I must learn how to love myself, even more, to be able to function and get through another day.

A relationship with the Truth is not casual. It’s not a one-night stand. It’s monogamous, deep and personal. Truth will not wander from your side. It will be your constant, your real ride or die. Truth won’t have you dress to arouse anyone but your soul. And it won’t let you define your worth with anything that doesn’t make you whole. Truth won’t give you a single reason not to love who you are. Truth will remind you that you’re more than words and you’re made of stars.

_Tanya Markul

When I began to work I found that so many people have selfish agendas and reasons to manipulate and skew the truth – and more often than not they are the people in power, at the top, and even those with just a scintilla of power who want to lie and manipulate. This is intolerable, and untenable for me. I became a business consultant in my 40s which gave me a unique perspective of many businesses, owners, employees, and stakeholders, and I realized that most problems in business, as in most families are a top-down issue, it is rarely a bottom-up issue! But because so many of those in power, that are dysfunctional, whether, in business, government, or family structure does not want to be accountable for their abuse they can decide to target someone and make them the problem without repercussion. Lower-level soldiers under this power position, who want to maintain their place of power, will go along with this lie and target the chosen scapegoat as well. Hence the cycle continues without anyone raising an alarm, and the scapegoat is trapped in a growing, and abusive web of enablers, and lies. Even those newly entering these dysfunctional spheres will listen to those in power and most will ignore all signs to the contrary, in compliance and allegiance. Over time the scapegoat may try to find help, or tell others what’s happening but when they are ignored, and the person in whom they are confiding befriends the abuser it is another betrayal, and feelings of hopelessness, despair, and further isolation is experienced. The desire to raise the alarm, ask for help or make others understand falls on deaf ears, and the scapegoat is left unaided, alone and without help once again. Once this pattern emerges, it is difficult to unravel its grip and be free.

I have seen this pattern crop up time and time again. Yet throughout my life, I have developed a kind of addiction, of sorts – the need to fix everything and figure out what is wrong or broken and correct it so the focus is off of me. Even though logically I know and can see that it has nothing to do with me, and is not my fault the pressure still builds and this rote part of me feels compelled to jump in, understand it, correct it, fix it and make it all better.

I have become more aware of this pattern, and through mindfulness, a growing necessity for wholeness, healing, self-love, and self-care I can mitigate this compulsion now but the trigger remains, and when it arises still makes me nauseous and uneasy. It is in this trigger, however, that I know I have to come closer to it, and hear its voice to reassure this part of me that it is not my fault, and never was – to put down the bat I am using to hurt myself, and assure myself that everything is going to be okay because there is nothing I have to fix, figure out or make better for anyone. It is not my responsibility. I can choose to say “ENOUGH!”

As I’ve done parts-work I have come to understand that the child’s mind under such duress and abuse will fracture and mirror the abuser. The child relies on the parents/guardians for survival, and cannot survive on their own so will only have the option of turning on themselves to survive the abuse. The child is unable to recognize that the abuse, gaslighting, blame, and scapegoating are not their fault. Even in a healthy household, children will try and make everything their fault when they do not understand something, but to add on to that innocent burden with more blame, lies, manipulation and familial dysfunction is child abuse. The child’s mind fractures and develops a separate part that will continue to beat themselves up as the parent and family have done. This space is set up in a survival attempt to demonstrate the willingness of the scapegoated child to begin beating themselves up, to lessen the abuse, so the abuser doesn’t feel the need to continue since the child is taking on that role. It is akin to a bully who repeatedly terrorizes the victim, and at some point when the bully returns for another attack sees the victim has picked up a bat and is beating themselves. The bully sees the victim’s self-abuse and realizes there’s no fun in it anymore and moves on. Whether or not this lessens the parents or family’s scapegoating of the child is a coin toss but it represents the scale at which the child’s mind, under traumatic circumstances, will drastically alter and cope to survive abuse.

When a child is not accepted by their parent – that puts them into a survival response. Their nervous system goes into a state of shock. It IS a life or death situation.

_Mary Toolan

As I have begun to unearth the fractured selves of my psyche I have found many parts separated because of abuse: an inner-scapegoater, inner-negator, severe inner-critic, and inner-saboteur. I have developed a counter-strategy to these parts when they arise with a healthy, loving but tough inner coach that assists in positively guiding these parts when they are triggered with encouraging self-talk, loving attention, and sometimes coach-like strictness when needed. This is not easy work – to heal from such things – to break through and find ways to love ourselves back to integration and wholeness. Some days feel endless and as if the work will take lifetimes. It is exhausting. It takes courage, bravery, and continuing to revere the self enough to keep trying and showing up every day, and with every trigger that arises.

As part of my complex trauma, being scapegoated has been one of the hardest to understand and deal with. It began so early in my life that it is oftentimes difficult to pin down or make sense of it – when I know full well I can’t make sense of it. Yet, for much of my life, I knew logically this abuse wasn’t my fault but couldn’t feel that truth. I resonated so much with the movie “Good Will Hunting” when at the end Robin William’s character is toe to toe with Matt Damon’s character saying over and over again that “it’s not your fault, it’s not your fault, it’s not your fault.” Matt Damon’s character understands it logically but can’t feel it initially, and at some point, the truth sinks in fully, he understands that none of what happened to him in the past was his fault, and he breaks down in tears. I remember sitting in that space knowing that pain but not being able to feel the truth or the freedom from the past yet. No matter how hard I tried I couldn’t get to that full acceptance, and I was heartbroken because I wanted that knowledge so badly. Understanding scapegoating and how my child’s mind broke into a part to survive and deal with this abuse was what finally released me and allowed me to know deep in my heart and soul that it was not my fault – none of it was my fault – none of the abuse, trauma, blame, shame, neglect or rejection was my fault. The release and freedom I felt when I finally “got” this was a huge shift in my life.

I was over 50 when this knowing finally occurred. Much of me feels cheated and deprived of being able to live a full, healthy normal life, and the freedom to have an abundant life filled with intimacy and healthy relationships. But at this age, I give up all that I feel I was deprived of or did not have because I am not willing to carry around the anger and resentment that would try to hold me hostage, any longer. I choose to love myself now for who I am; the incredible, powerful, courageous, intelligent, fearless, amazing woman that I am right now, at this moment. I can look back and see what an extraordinary warrior I was for truth, hope, and love, and how I survived for so long. If it were not for my very close friends growing up, and my paternal grandmother, and great-aunt I would not have faired so well. I am forever grateful for each of them – they loved me unconditionally, and still do.

In my opinion, there is not enough said about ending generational trauma, and as part of my healing, I feel that my life’s burden and purpose is to heal and stop the abuse. It goes no further – it stops here. The next phase for me is to educate and share with others who find themselves overwhelmed and confused by complex trauma, and abuse, and bear witness to those who have also been scapegoated, terrorized, and bullied by their own families.

Never underestimate a cycle breaker. Not only did they experience years of generational trauma, but they stood in the face of the trauma and fought to say “this ends with me.” This is brave. This is powerful. This comes at a significant cost. Never underestimate a cycle breaker.

_Nate Postlethwait

There is a way through to healing, to living and thriving instead of just surviving. Many hear you, understand, can help you, and know what you’re going through and are dealing with. Please reach out, and ask for help. You are the brave soul who is here to heal and add another light for those that need the beacon of truth to guide them out of their darkness. We can come together and join hands in a shared approach to heal and love ourselves, and each other.

For parts work, and healing guided meditations please visit the HeartBalm Meditation Toolbox on the home page, and visit the HeartBalm Archives for other helpful articles, tools, and topics.

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

 

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