Pain | CPTSDfoundation.org https://cptsdfoundation.org The Foundation for Post-Traumatic Healing and Complex Trauma Research Mon, 16 Dec 2024 13:49:21 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=6.9.4 https://cptsdfoundation.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/07/cropped-Daily-Recovery-Support-Globe-iPad-Fav-32x32.png Pain | CPTSDfoundation.org https://cptsdfoundation.org 32 32 Numbing Out For the Holidays https://cptsdfoundation.org/2024/12/16/numbing-out-for-the-holidays/ https://cptsdfoundation.org/2024/12/16/numbing-out-for-the-holidays/#comments Mon, 16 Dec 2024 13:49:21 +0000 https://cptsdfoundation.org/?p=987499396 ***TRIGGER WARNING – The following article discusses suicidal ideation and could be triggering. ***

I opened the top of my prescription bottle and looked inside. There were only three little, round pills left. Xanax was more valuable to me than gold. I was seeing a psychiatrist for depression, and besides the anti-depressants that didn’t seem to be working, he had prescribed a miracle drug—Xanax. I could be in the middle of my worst anxiety attack, mind racing, stomach churning, heart thumping, and one little Xanax made it all disappear. Setting the bottle on the kitchen counter near the trash can, I went to get dressed. When I started to walk out the door, I couldn’t find my pill bottle. Panic shot through my stomach. Where had I put them? I thought I had left them on the counter! Where was my Xanax? There were only a few left, and I had already been planning how to dole them out. I couldn’t lose them altogether. Where was my Xanax! 

I heard my husband turning on the shower. “Matt!” I screeched. “Did you see my pill bottle on the counter?”

“I dunno,” he said nonchalantly. “I cleaned up the kitchen this morning and took out the trash. Maybe they accidentally got thrown away.”

Racing to the curb, I hefted the trash bag from the bin and ripped it open. Glops of spaghetti, old coffee grinds, and filters mixed with disgusting potato peels covered everything. I didn’t care. I had to find that prescription. I began taking out wadded pieces of paper, old cereal boxes, and plastic lids, littering them along the driveway. Finally, all the way down at the bottom, I caught a flash of white. It was the top of my pill bottle. Breathlessl,y I grabbed it and held it close. I heard the comforting chink of the pills inside. Thank God I had noticed they were missing before the trash guys came by.

That was the day I realized I had a problem. I would have done anything to get those pills. The fact that I had gotten so upset was an indicator of just how dependent upon them I had become. A worse indicator was the fact that they were losing their oomph. I was upping the dosage and mixing them with alcohol to get that smooth, sustained relief, and even that wasn’t working anymore. I knew I was reaching dangerous levels, but I couldn’t stop. Therein lies the problem. Benzodiazepines give temporary relief to anxiety, but as soon as the drug wears off, the anxiety comes roaring back. In addition, benzodiazepines lose their potency over time. 

When you’re in a really bad place, medication can save your life. But if you are not careful, it can also kill you. Imagine suffering from constant, torturous terror and finding one little pill that will instantly turn it off. No wonder I thought I had discovered a miracle.

Looking back at one of my journal entries from that time, I know why I was beginning to be swallowed by the vortex of addiction. 

“I feel so depressed this Christmas,” I wrote. “Why do I have to have such a screwed-up family? I’ve been having thoughts of taking my life a lot, lately, everything feels hopeless. How I wish I’d never been born. I just don’t know how I’m going to do life. I’m just no good at it. I feel so bad all the time. I’m afraid. I’m afraid all of the time. Things will never be any different for me.”

The holidays have a way of bringing angst and sorrow to the surface. The holidays put us back in the past with all of the abusive demands and expectations. One way survivors of childhood trauma try to cope is by using outside sources to soothe all those raw emotions, in effect, numbing them out. We use drugs, alcohol, food, busyness, work, and a thousand other things to keep us from feeling. In the end, those things are only a temporary fix and are not only emotionally dangerous but can also be physically dangerous. 

Eventually, numbing will not work, and if you are engaged in healing, addictions and numbing habits only get in the way. Instead of numbing out this holiday season, try to put in protective boundaries. Don’t participate in the usual crazy. Know going in that your family is not going to change, but you have the power to make a different choice. You can limit the time you spend with them or cut it out altogether. You can choose safe and uplifting friends to spend time with. You can host a holiday party or dinner for people who don’t have family. You can create your own family. Allow yourself time to grieve what you do not have, but don’t stay there. Look around. Perhaps there are opportunities you never thought about to change the way you approach the holiday season. It’s important to your spirit to celebrate in a real way. You deserve a holiday season filled with joy and it is possible to make small steps toward that. Defy trauma, embrace joy. 

 

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Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

]]> https://cptsdfoundation.org/2024/12/16/numbing-out-for-the-holidays/feed/ 1 The Spectrum of Trauma https://cptsdfoundation.org/2023/05/23/the-spectrum-of-trauma/ https://cptsdfoundation.org/2023/05/23/the-spectrum-of-trauma/#comments Tue, 23 May 2023 09:28:46 +0000 https://cptsdfoundation.org/?p=247889 The CPTSD foundation’s website succinctly defines CPTSD as a term that “describes the results of ongoing, inescapable, relational trauma.” In this post I’ll delve into trauma, using a wider lens than is typical. I’ll differentiate between trauma and traumatic event, and explore in detail some of the many manifestations of trauma in our day-to-day lives.

Trauma as a Wound

The word trauma comes from the Greek word for wound. As author and trauma expert Gabor Maté points out, the two words are perfectly analogous in a number of ways. Wounds create a sensitive area that is painful to the touch; trauma makes us sensitive to emotional triggers. Wounds are covered with scar tissue that is inflexible, numb, and doesn’t grow; trauma’s impacts on a person can be described with precisely the same words. Trauma, therefore, can perhaps best be understood as a psychological wound.

With trauma, however, we have the opportunity to actively heal rather than passively wait for scar tissue to form. Rose Kennedy once said: “It has been said that time heals all wounds, I don’t agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue, and the pain lessens, but is never gone.” Here she’s referring to what most of us typically do with our trauma: wait for time to make it better, ignore it, or hope it goes away. One need not look too carefully at the state of the world to see how this is working out.

Cause & Effect

It’s important to differentiate between trauma and traumatic event; the latter being the cause of the former. We often think of trauma as being what happened, but it’s actually the internal consequences of what happened – how it impacts us today, and what we make it mean about ourselves. In the words of some of the world’s trauma experts:​

“Many people think that trauma is the terrible event that happened to us. But trauma is the response that happens within the body’s nervous system.” – Thomas Hübl (mystic, healer)​

“Trauma is not an event. Trauma is how we react to certain things that happen to us.” – Esther Perel (relationship psychotherapist)​

“Trauma is not the story of something that happened back then. It’s the current imprint of that pain, horror, and fear living inside people.” – Bessel van der Kolk (trauma psychiatrist)

Overt vs. Covert

Traumatic events are often divided into two categories. The first of these is the more obvious one: Specific, overt events such as physical abuse, sexual abuse, or a car accident. Such events can inflict an immediate trauma on an individual, which if not addressed will often manifest in various ways for the rest of their lives.

​The second type of traumatic event is more subtle (covert) and is often called developmental trauma. Here, the traumatic “event” is a prolonged misattunement between a child and his/her parents, resulting in pain for the child. Children have certain fundamental needs that, until the last few thousand years, were consistently met throughout our evolutionary history. When these needs aren’t met – as is quite often the case in modern societies – trauma results. Developmental trauma, therefore, is most often what didn’t happen rather than what did happen.

The resultant traumas from these two types of events are often distinguished as Big-T and Little-T trauma. While I understand the intent behind this language, it’s not phrasing that I use. There is nothing “little” about Little-T trauma. Not only is developmental trauma more common, but its insidious nature makes its impact on a person’s life harder to recognize. Many pathological behaviors, thought patterns, and tendencies – both at the individual and societal levels – are the result of pervasive developmental trauma and are so common today that they’re considered normal. Recognition is an important first step.

Note that this is by no means an intent to minimize overt trauma. The point is simply that both types of trauma, in my view, warrant equal attention.

The Effects of Trauma

Whether overt or developmental, trauma is a spectrum – and we’re all on it somewhere. The extent to which it affects us in our day-to-day lives is often shocking to discover, but the key to keeping in mind is that all of these impacts are coping strategies that, when they originally formed, were very intelligent responses to the environment. These adaptations came along to protect us, typically as a result of trauma during childhood, and at first were quite effective at doing so. Over time, however, they become maladaptive.​ When we say that someone “has CPTSD”, it is their trauma adaptations that we’re referring to.

Coping strategies are like puppet masters in the unconscious, controlling our behavior to a far greater extent than we imagine. But there’s a good reason for this: to our unconscious, these adaptations are matters of survival. They came along to quite literally help us survive. The level of importance that the unconscious, therefore, assigns to these strategies is precisely why it can be so difficult to turn them off. It’s also the reason why resisting them, as we’re so often prone to do, is generally destined to fail. (See the Turning against the Self section below.)​

Below are some big-picture ways in which trauma adaptations impact us.

Disconnection from the Self

Trauma disconnects us from who we are, in the sense that coping strategies and adaptations aren’t fundamentally the real “us”. We tend to identify with these behaviors, not realizing that our real selves are hidden underneath. Someone may say, for example, “I’m a very anxious person”. But their true self isn’t anxious – the anxiety is simply a trauma response.

Another way of viewing this is that trauma splits off portions of us, which will then cause problems until they’re healed. As Thomas Hübl writes, “To survive, the person’s system splits off the physical, emotional, and mental experience of the trauma. If we don’t integrate that fragmented part, it will create side effects or symptoms that we call suffering. These symptoms will continually call our attention back to that unresolved past.”

Trauma also disconnects us from our bodies, causing us to view our bodies as something separate from ourselves. This is known as disembodiment and is a whole subject in of itself. The gist, however, is that when we view our body in a strictly utilitarian kind of way, we will tend to treat it marginally, ignore its wisdom, and even consider it a liability.

Disconnection from Life

We often operate in what might be called a semi-conscious trance state: mindlessly going from task to task, place to place, barely conscious of the individual decisions we’re making or the actions we’re performing. The classic example of a person going for a drive and not knowing how they got to their destination – being on autopilot, so to speak – describes a lot of our day-to-day lives far beyond just driving. While the intent isn’t to suggest that we “should” be 100% conscious at every moment, it’s interesting to consider just how much of our lives are lived semi-consciously, and what this might mean with respect to free will.

Disconnection from the Present Moment

Trauma disconnects us from the present moment in a number of ways. In day-to-day life, we tend to think that we’re reacting to the present, but often we’re reacting to the past. When someone triggers us, we can be sure that what is being triggered is past trauma. But even more subtly, the adaptations and coping strategies that we use are all based on the past – so we’re living in the past whenever we employ them. As mentioned above, in many cases we identify with these adaptations so much that we can’t separate from them – the result being that we’re living in the past, to some degree, at essentially every moment.

 

This can also show up when embarking on a healing journey. Trying to modify or get rid of our adaptations in a top-down kind of way – resisting or fighting against them – is another way of not being in the present. We disrespect who we are right now by trying to force change upon ourselves in order to become “better”. In this way, we live in the future rather than the present. This fake future can entrap us when we focus on a healing destination (“I want to fix myself“, “I should be more developed than I am“) rather than the journey (bringing curiosity and compassion to one’s patterns, and having a growth mindset).​

Trying to live more in the present is wonderful in theory, but one needs to take into account that not being present was the better option during painful times. Thus, a tendency to live in the past or the future is yet another trauma adaptation. And like all the others, resisting it tends to not work – as anyone can likely attest who, when scatter-brained during meditation, has tried to force themselves to be more present.

Turning against the Self

Just as we can identify with trauma adaptations such that they seem like they are truly us, so too can we turn against them and make them the enemy. This can take shape in the form of resisting emotions/behaviors that we consider bad, criticizing ourselves, or blaming ourselves for our past (or its resultant coping mechanisms). This creates what might be considered a psychological autoimmune condition. In medicine, the term autoimmune condition refers to the immune system attacking the body’s own tissues. Over time, this causes immense damage and can lead to death. The mind’s version of this is no less severe: negative self-talk is a chronic condition for many of us, despite how “normal” it may seem.​

Strange as it may sound, however, turning against the self in this way is also a coping strategy – one that served a valuable purpose when we were young. It is also a purely emotional response that doesn’t take direction from the intellect. For example, if someone tends to blame and shame themselves for their childhood (or adulthood) misery, they’re likely quite aware rationally that it’s not really their fault. But neither the person telling themselves to stop doing it nor someone else telling them will likely have an effect. This adaptation, therefore, warrants the same open curiosity and compassion as any other.

Living in Endurance

As a result of our coping strategies, we often end up largely living a life of endurance – enduring the parts of ourselves that we don’t like, enduring maladaptive thought patterns, enduring unpleasant and repetitive emotions, enduring behaviors that we subsequently regret, and enduring how others trigger us. The calling within us to heal is the part of us that doesn’t want to endure any longer. Honoring this part of ourselves is the beginning of our journey.

Becoming Whole

The word heal evolved from an Old English word that meant to make whole. While today we typically think of healing as curing or eliminating what ails us, its older definition was broader in scope, and recognized that humans strive for wholeness. While the specific meaning of wholeness could be debated, what’s clear is that trauma takes us away from it. Trauma disconnects us from ourselves by splitting off, shutting down, and hyper-activating various parts of our minds and bodies.

The healing journey is therefore one of returning to wholeness by reconnecting with ourselves. How precisely this is achieved will vary for each person. From therapy to yoga to psychedelics, the list of available modalities is a long one.

 

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

]]> https://cptsdfoundation.org/2023/05/23/the-spectrum-of-trauma/feed/ 1 Complex PTSD is Giving Me a Complex https://cptsdfoundation.org/2023/05/16/complex-ptsd-is-giving-me-a-complex/ https://cptsdfoundation.org/2023/05/16/complex-ptsd-is-giving-me-a-complex/#comments Tue, 16 May 2023 09:27:56 +0000 https://cptsdfoundation.org/?p=247201 Ever have something happen to you and suddenly, you’re part of THAT club: every person you meet has experienced the same. Get pregnant, everyone is pregnant. Get divorced, everyone is getting divorced. Get CPTSD, everyone has CPTSD. The pregnancy club membership was awesome but the others, not so much. I love every one of my CPTSD peeps to bits and many pieces, but I really don’t want to be in your club.

I am not rejecting all of you amazing people, I am rejecting the honey that has brought all of us bees together. Honestly, how many of you truly want to be in this club? Like ALL of you, one of my favourite phrases (usually followed by some very inventive swear words) is, “I’m sick of this shit”.

Opening Pandaora’s Box

The best and the worst of the CPTSD journey is near the beginning when the land of CPTSD Oz has been revealed and you’re both fascinated, relieved, and revolted. The dream of a better life just became real, but you can’t unsee flying monkeys and you can’t unsee CPTSD. I have heard so many of us on this site talk about “opening Pandora’s box” and wanting to slam it shut, but it was too late. That is certainly how I felt.

Suddenly, CPTSD was coming at me from all directions. I couldn’t turn a corner or have a conversation with someone without a flashback, brain fart, or emotional aha moment. CPTSD stalked me all my life in the shadows. I always knew something was there and it terrified me, but I could never fully see it or put a name to it.  However, once I fully saw it and named it, it no longer stalked me—instead it moved in, took over my closet, put its feet on the coffee table, and asked what I was making for supper. Every. Damn. Day.

I had transformed into “Super-CPTSD” who could leap tall flashbacks in a single meltdown and could disassociate faster than any memory could catch me.

I could not get away from it, even for a moment. So, I decided that I was going to be the best CPTSD buster that ever lived. I was going to “get over it” and jumped into the books, podcasts, therapy, and support groups. I had transformed into “Super-CPTSD” who could leap tall flashbacks in a single meltdown and could disassociate faster than any memory could catch me.

This phase lasted for about two weeks from my initial “OMG” moment. Then, a particularly nasty flashback that put me on my butt and into my bed for a couple of days brought me back to reality. This was not another achievement or notch on my life belt. None of my previous tactics or tools were going to defeat this sucker.  While all my previous emotional work and healing had prepared me for the battle, I needed more.

This is the point in most self-help articles where I should be giving you the magic recipe to defeat that emotional monster in three easy steps and start a new and improved life. But, if you’re like me and someone tries to tell me I can do something in three easy steps, I want to slap them with the book they’re recommending.

There is no easy fix. We have all tried that whether it be denial, addiction, or the other myriad of quick fixes we attempt to get through this as quickly and painlessly as possible. But, there is a fix and it is actually quite simple. We need to feel the pain and as Brene Brown says, lean into it. I know you’re thinking, “What? Are you insane? I’m trying to NOT feel the pain anymore!” Well, that’s the conundrum of healing from trauma: to no longer feel pain, you need to feel the pain. But this time, you will be able to access your adult self and a solid system of support to reach in and truly heal that pain, so it is the last time you feel it to this degree.

Yes, the pain will end. Soon enough, you will find yourself in a new club, and this one you will definitely want to join—the CPTSD Healed Club. In this club, meetings aren’t so regular because you don’t really need them. They are fun though and filled with lots of smiles and knowing nods as we reminisce about how deep our pain used to be. Membership is open and we are always actively recruiting because we want everyone to join our club. If you are reading this, it shows that you are already on the right path to joining this club. Welcome!

 

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

 

]]> https://cptsdfoundation.org/2023/05/16/complex-ptsd-is-giving-me-a-complex/feed/ 6 The Night My Friend Died, My Childhood Died With Him https://cptsdfoundation.org/2023/02/17/the-night-my-friend-died-my-childhood-died-with-him/ https://cptsdfoundation.org/2023/02/17/the-night-my-friend-died-my-childhood-died-with-him/#respond Fri, 17 Feb 2023 18:24:02 +0000 https://cptsdfoundation.org/?p=245171 I spent my childhood terrified of the word “death”. I can remember lying in bed feeling my heart swell in my chest every time the thought of death crossed my mind. I feared death because my parents were much older than the parents of my peers — the thought of losing them scared me.

 There was nothing she could do, you see, death is infinite.

With a glass of vodka, I left the idea of my mother resting in peace

Death never comes empty-handed; it gives us lessons. It ultimately shows us how to live better and with purpose. It reminds us of what it was like to live in the first place.

To read and follow my blog and get in touch please subscribe or contact me here: https://medium.com/@milena-koljensic

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

]]> https://cptsdfoundation.org/2023/02/17/the-night-my-friend-died-my-childhood-died-with-him/feed/ 0 How Network Spinal Care Helped Heal My Trauma https://cptsdfoundation.org/2023/02/09/how-network-spinal-care-helped-heal-my-trauma/ https://cptsdfoundation.org/2023/02/09/how-network-spinal-care-helped-heal-my-trauma/#comments Thu, 09 Feb 2023 10:52:08 +0000 https://cptsdfoundation.org/?p=245880 When I discuss Trauma treatments with people whether it be for PTSD or CPTSD I often hear a range of modalities from classical talk therapies like CBT and DBT to Somatic Experiencing, neuro hacks like EMDR and TRE, to cutting-edge research on psychedelics but rarely have I heard anyone mention Network Spinal Analysis.

Created by Donny Epstein, Network Care, as it is affectionately called, can be described as “a very powerful chiropractic technique that allows for the central nervous system to reorganize its whole self, which will cause the person to experience new ways of perceiving and transforming their health, thoughts, emotions, and experience of life itself.” (Shiozawa, 2022)

More comprehensively the term Network Care refers to, the “Networking of various chiropractic techniques.” 

“Through meticulous observation and by comparing the findings and results of one method with another, Epstein began to see the efficacy of marrying certain techniques in a manner which enables the practitioner, through the use of light touch, to release large amounts of spinal tension from a patient. Although this might not sound very dramatic, it is a fact that the absolutely remarkable ‘life-changing’ ways in which patients respond to this method of care has become a hallmark of NSA.” (Epstein)

I first experienced the powerful effects of Network Care after my psychiatrist referred me to Dr. Brian Lumb and Chelsea Rae Verslues’ practice at Nourish and Flourish in Asheville, North Carolina.  I was skeptical at first after going to see a demonstration of the work, it almost looked like hocus pocus. With barely any touching the recipient’s body would undulate, stretch and shift with deep sighs of release. These deep sighs and movements I later find out were known as breath waves that allowed tension to be released from the body and the nervous system to reorganize itself more efficiently.

“What we are looking for in Network is for the system itself to reorganize and develop strategies for experiencing and releasing tension on its own. In the first level of care, which may last a few weeks, the person develops a strategy to connect the brain to the body more effectively and to develop a capacity for self-correction of the tension patterns. The care programme encourages the development of spontaneous stretching movements and breath movements which help release tension in the spine.” (Epstein)

After a brief few light touches during my first session with Dr. Brian, he asked me to sit up. After a childhood and young adult life filled with mental health issues, living on the streets for a period and numerous traumas my posture had led to a deep hunching of my shoulders. I dealt with chronic neck and shoulder pain and tightness as if my body had begun armoring itself against the weight of the experiences I had collected and was still unable to process. After sitting up my body immediately righted itself as if someone had pulled my posture into alignment. My shoulder rolled back, light as a feather and the tension seemed to have dissipated.

“Every region of the body and every emotion is expressed through the nervous system. Also, it’s the part of us with which we reason and which adapts us to stress and it’s the vehicle we use to create our conscious reality. So, when an event occurs that our brain decides is not safe for us to fully experience at that particular time, the energy and information of the event is translated into vibration and tension, which is then stored in the body.” (Epstein)

Three years of this work and my experiences with the healing it has brought me have varied fastly. Referring to each session as an entrainment rather than an adjustment as a traditional chiropractic visit might be referred to, my body and emotional range would be stretched from bouts of absolute bliss to deep sadness and rage. Finding myself waking up the morning after an entrainment, it would often feel as though my body was releasing some mysterious deep-seated tension that I did not understand cognitively but could feel on a very cathartic level. My whole body would sing evermore deeper into a greater state of rest that I hadn’t known before. 

“In the second level of care, we are looking for the brain to be aware of the person’s tension, and actually temporarily amplify that tension and redirect it so that the tension actually becomes the fuel for further healing and transformation. Tension is what holds a person anchored in a position of non-safety. Lack of safety is the basis for all physiological stress and the way we accumulate this stress is directly associated with the way we experience our world.” (Epstein)

On the other side of the spectrum, there were times of chronic upheaval. I would find myself coughing incessantly as if my throat was being called to release some held tension from words or things I had held onto or pushed away and never spoken. I would find myself seething in anger as I came face to face with life-threatening traumas and abuse stuck inside me that I squashed and stuffed away in order to stay alive, safe, unseen, or hidden.

In the end, it was Network’s provocation of the stuck energy inside me that was responsible for liberating my body and nervous system and learning and expanding its language and knowledge for interacting with the world in a greater capacity. Years before I had seen a Somatic Experiencing Practitioner who used a jar filled with water and sediment that had settled at the bottom as a metaphor for our experience with healing from trauma. He told me that every time we look at our trauma and take an active step to work with it and heal it, the sediment in our jar gets shaken and clouds our vision. Initially, our jars are tiny and the water becomes very clouded making it chaotic and almost impossible to see but as we develop new strategies to work with the trauma and heal it our vessel for holding it becomes clearer and the trauma or the “sediment” becomes less intense. Network Care is like this on steroids but instead of creating greater containment for the trauma it allows your body to diffuse the old experiences creating more of a pipeline that allows for greater movement and a wider range of emotional experiences to pass through us. This allows our Nervous Systems to continually reorganize themselves and develop and learn new strategies.

After three years my need for therapy dramatically decreased. I’ve felt my body begin to adapt, reorganize, diffuse stress, and resolve trauma on its own. By no means would I say that it has replaced the need for medication or therapy but I have discovered that its effects have significantly complemented and mitigated the need for them in my life.

“I see Network Care not as competing with the existing medical paradigm but instead offering a totally different approach that says no matter what you do about the disease, allow that person to be upgraded from say a 64k computer to a Pentium. Allow them to develop new strategies that they never had before and that person will make healthier choices.”  (Epstein)

 Network Care accompanies Dr. Epstein’s redefining of how we look at “wellness”  from a physical and emotional level of health taking it a step further to the spiritual domain of purpose.

“Wellness is not about whether a person has a disease. It’s about their internal experience of their body, the ability to make constructive healthy choices, and their ability to enjoy life and be well.” (Epstein)

Network Care not only achieves physical and emotional well-being but it goes a step further addressing our ability to connect and hold space allowing us to show up in our lives and communities in more dynamic ways that can be stabilizing to our environment and the people around us. 

“What we are looking at here is an experience of life beyond the usual form. A more subtle engagement with the parts of the brain that allow a person to express their higher level of humanity and function occurs so that a greater capacity to express more connections of compassion and love arises. I call these ‘higher end social changes’, because there are spiritual connotations involved. The individual is different in the way they relate to others and their environment. They can be instrumental in helping create a more compassionately productive community.” (Epstein)

Think about it, when you have more people acting from a place of “Self”, as Dr. Richard Schwartz would call it, instead of a place of reaction, that state of stability has more gravity than unstable or reactive energy (Schwartz). Just like in physics the larger the mass the more gravity it creates so too with our nervous systems; the greater capacity to hold and stabilize creates gravity for others to sync up to. 

I remember a therapist telling me “A good therapist works themselves out of a job, that’s what I aim to do with you,” Network Care works just like this flushing out stuck energy and tension from the nervous system and teaching it to reorganize itself until it can diffuse, grow and reorganize on its own. Operating on the maxim, “the strongest nervous system creates the greatest influence.” It has allowed me a greater ability to experience more rest, general well-being, healing, and the ability to share my own story through homelessness and childhood trauma in order to heal and transform the lives of others.

For more information about Network Care, Dr. Richard Schwartz’s Internal Family Systems Model, or my own project, 

Click the links below:

Dr. Donald Epstein, Network Care: https://epienergetics.com/

Dr. Richard Schwartz, Internal Family Systems: https://ifs-institute.com/

Jeff Spiteri, The Bridge Within:

Epstein, Donald. “Network Spinal Analysis (NSA) – Interview with Dr Epstein.” Article – Network Spinal Analysis (NSA) – Interview with Dr Epstein, https://www.positivehealth.com/article/bodywork/network-spinal-analysis-nsa-interview-with-dr-epstein.

Schwartz, Richard. “The Larger Self.” IFS Institute, https://ifs-institute.com/resources/articles/larger-self.

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.
]]> https://cptsdfoundation.org/2023/02/09/how-network-spinal-care-helped-heal-my-trauma/feed/ 3 How To Reduce the Damage of Parental Alienation https://cptsdfoundation.org/2022/12/20/how-to-reduce-the-damage-of-parental-alienation/ https://cptsdfoundation.org/2022/12/20/how-to-reduce-the-damage-of-parental-alienation/#respond Tue, 20 Dec 2022 11:09:30 +0000 https://cptsdfoundation.org/?p=245514  

Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) is a term that was coined twenty years ago by Richard A. Gardner, the MD an American psychiatrist. Working with families primarily involved in custody struggles, he noticed a sort of brainwashing occurring at the hands of one parent, leading to the demonization of the other parent — culminating in the child’s rejection of the targeted parent.

The practice of parent alienation causes harm to the targeted parent and the relationship with the child, and as more has become known about this issue, it has also been deemed a form of child abuse. These poor children are programmed to reject one of their parents without any justifiable reason.

This dynamic is more frequently instigated by the custodial parent. Because fathers represent a higher proportion of non-custodial parents, they experience alienation in larger numbers and are victimized more frequently.

For fathers who are faced with a high-conflict and combative ex-partner, it is important to learn how to help your child as a co-parent and how to prevent and subdue the effects of parental alienation.

“An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.” …Benjamin Franklin

As a parent going through a divorce/separation involving children (of any age), here are a few guidelines to ensure that you always put your children’s needs and interests first.

  • Think carefully about the impact your words and behavior have on your children — don’t criticize your ex in front of them, and never ask them directly to take sides.
  • Always bear in mind that children need to feel loved by both parents as they struggle to come to terms with the breakdown of family life as they know it.
  • Remember that children of all ages, particularly teenagers, are vulnerable to emotional manipulation. As adults/parents, we need to consider how this war impacts their health and well-being in the long term.
  • If you can do this with honesty and the absence of anger and animosity, encourage your children to foster the relationship with their other parent. Again, if you can be honest about this, show a genuine interest in what they do during their time with your former partner.

Take your oxygen first!

In order to help your child(ren), you must help and protect yourself first. Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) can hit hard — both emotionally and physically. When dealing with PAS…

  • Focus on developing a loving, trusting, positive relationship with your child(ren).
  • Remember what our parents used to say? “If you can’t say something nice, say nothing.” This is extremely helpful when your relationship with your ex is hurtful, difficult, and filled with anger. Be aware of your own feelings and avoid saddling your kids with negativity and acrimony.
  • Show compassion toward your child(ren) and respect their feelings. Let them know that they can express anything to you without fear or judgment.
  • Be aware of your tone and facial expressions during interactions with your high-conflict ex in front of your kids. In other words, keep your cool.
  • When you have set appropriate boundaries, can anticipate tension and manage yourself, and have realistic expectations, pat yourself on the back for creating an environment where your kids feel safe, valued, and respected.

The only thing you can control is your own behavior!

You alone control your reactions to your ex’s vindictive and angry comments and behaviors. However, neither you nor your ex should ever have to do or say something just to keep the peace. Both of you should sit down and develop a communication strategy; a business-like, just the facts, style of communicating. While this negotiation is bound to be difficult, it is doable so long as you both have the best interests of the kids in your hearts and minds.

  • Try to avoid responding to provocative comments in a defensive way to prevent disagreements.
  • Avoid texting unless it’s about your child’s schedule or a place to meet them. Never text emotional content or critical remarks.
  • Avoid expressing genuine emotion to your ex or apologizing for wrongdoing in the relationship. If your ex is an abusive narcissist, they might interpret your apology as proof of your incompetence and use it against you.
  • Make a structured, specific parenting plan a top priority.
  • Be firm — the plan should include schedules, holidays, and vacations to minimize conflict. Also, a little flexibility to accommodate emergencies can go a long way toward developing a more positive co-parenting relationship. Using a communication notebook or other resource to share important details with your ex can prove to be an essential tool in helping you stay detached and business-like.

“When a storm blows, you must stand firm. For it is not trying to knock you down, it is really trying to teach you to be strong.” — Joseph M. Marshall III

As you navigate through re-making your co-parenting relationship with your ex, make sure to nurture your supportive relationships with friends and family. Keep in mind that a third-party mediator, if needed, can provide valuable guidance to both of you. Educate yourself on strategies to deal with a difficult or high-conflict ex-partner by searching for books and websites that offer sage advice.

The good news… you can learn coping skills to deal with a high-conflict ex and lessen the negative impact on your day-to-day life while helping your child(ren) through this difficult transition. When you accept that you have control over your own feelings, reactions, perceptions, and behaviors — and not those of your high-conflict ex — your life will greatly improve.

Parental alienation is not a gender issue, nor is it exclusive to parents. Both mothers and fathers can be victims of toxic co-parents. Boys and girls, sisters and brothers, as well as grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins, can be forced to take the side of one parent at the expense of the other. The abuse of the child affects everyone.

Parental alienation is an international scandal and can damage children for life

Do not give up on yourself or your children. Stay strong, no matter how hard it gets. You will endure. Your love for your child will prevail and you will find peace.

If you, your children, or your ex aren’t coping then please seek professional help and support. Contact Partners in Men’s Health (PMH) to seek advice from Dr. Jamie. Join a support group with other alienated parents to learn new coping and adaptive skills. Focus on your own healing through resources offered by the CPTSD Foundation.

Others like you are going through the same devastating experience of being prevented from continuing a close and loving bond with their own children. If this is happening to you and your children, you are not alone. The traumatic experience you are living through is sadly not unique and all too common. Please visit TAR Tales where you can share your important story with other survivors.

Disclaimer: Want to write for Partners in Men’s Health (PMH), TAR Network™ PUBLICATION, or TAR Tales? Please message me!

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

]]> https://cptsdfoundation.org/2022/12/20/how-to-reduce-the-damage-of-parental-alienation/feed/ 0 Navigating Medical Trauma with CPTSD https://cptsdfoundation.org/2022/10/12/navigating-medical-trauma-with-cptsd/ https://cptsdfoundation.org/2022/10/12/navigating-medical-trauma-with-cptsd/#respond Wed, 12 Oct 2022 13:21:37 +0000 https://cptsdfoundation.org/?p=244841 TRIGGER WARNING: the  following article discusses sexual assault. 

My CPTSD is based on traumas that started in early childhood. I have no conscious memory of “normal.” My traumas are old, familiar enemies. I know them well. They’ve become characters in my mind to better organize and study them. Mrs. Rochester (named after the lady who was kept in the attic (in Charlotte Brontë’s Jane Eyre) is my daily, nagging inner critic who tells me I do everything wrong. A high-handed narcissist is based on someone in my life who degraded me with insults as though talking about the weather. A brewing medical problem came to the forefront in 2021, and I’m now navigating a whole new layer of trauma. I’ve been plagued with medical problems forever, but this was a whole new level.

I’ve always had pelvic problems, but they were dismissed as insignificant, despite the pain I reported. Turns out the situation was much worse, and there is a very strong connection between child sexual abuse and gynecological problems, such as 79% of survivors who endured severe physical and sexual abuse experiencing endometriosis. The study suggests that it’s dose-related, meaning the severity of the events can be correlated to the intensity of chronic pain someone experiences.(1) Pelvic floor disorders can include fibroid tumors and other chronic problems.(2) Another study found that women who experienced pelvic pain were more likely to use dissociation as a coping mechanism.(3) Dissociation is a common feature of CPTSD.

The worst phase of chronic pelvic pain began more than a year ago, around the time I was diagnosed with CPTSD. An initial visit to my primary care doc led to some concern, and what followed was a saga of delayed appointments due COVID causing low staffing levels are hospitals, a near-fatal adverse event to a common pain med, and because of my unfortunate history of adverse reactions, I was sent home with no pain meds after surgery.

The first ob-gyn marched into the exam room and was strangely aggressive as she barely took the time to glance over her shoulder as she went down her list of questions. When I said I was recently diagnosed with CPTSD, she demanded to know why. She wanted me to explain what had happened. She wanted details. These were things I couldn’t discuss without having a complete meltdown. After an ultrasound and a biopsy, she decreed there would be no surgery. The tumors were small, and I “couldn’t possibly feel pain.” I paid more attention to reviews about physicians before I went for a second opinion. I had the good fortune of finding a compassionate and trauma-informed ob-gyn who recommended a hysterectomy. Pain management was essential, she said because the muscles and facia were contorted and spasming with the stress. She prescribed a common pain med.

It helped at first, but it felt heavy, so I only took it when things were really bad. Then one night I got up from bed and couldn’t walk right. Like staggering drunk, only worse. I collapsed on the floor and my arms and legs twitched as my body went numb. It felt as though the back of my head was being squeezed. My husband and I were convinced it was a heart attack or stroke, and off to the ER we rushed. The attending physician dismissed it as a panic attack and told me to go home and ride it out. Had I followed his advice, I would’ve been riding it out in a hearse not too long after. I wasn’t getting better, and we made two more trips to the ER that week. Ever the ambitious, high-functioning perfectionist, I still showed up for work the following morning after spending all night stretched out on a gurney having one test after another. (I work from home, thankfully, so it’s a short commute.) It was my mom, a retired EEG tech, who made the connection between the pain med and the symptoms I was experiencing. I stopped taking it and she hauled my tail up to her home in rural Maine to feed me (I lost a lot of weight way too fast) and keep me isolated from any chance of catching COVID. I spent a lot of time sitting outside watching foxes, seals, eagles, and other wildlife as they went about their routines.

The scariest part of the adverse reaction, other than nearly kicking the bucket, was the psychological effects of that pain medication when it becomes toxic to the system. My usual nightmares were infused with hallucinations. I couldn’t shake the terror, even when awake. According to the prescription information, it was a short slide to delusions and psychosis as the central nervous system shuts down. The metaphor became a vivid night terror. I was trapped in a vehicle on Pluto’s surface, and thick ice was encasing it, obscuring my view and leaving me sealed into a dark, metal tomb. The sun was a distant dot of light. A would-be rescuer slammed a shovel into the ice but wasn’t able to get to me. When I awoke, my body was ice-cold and a song that played at my brother’s funeral was stuck in my head. I knew I was dying. Those night terrors are representative of fresh new triggers that I have yet to recognize until I’ve already fallen into the trap. They’re full-body flashbacks that set me back for days. A tension headache after a long day at work, a nerve twinge because of my constant muscle armoring, taking a vitamin, and worrying if it’s going to do something horrible, all these things now raise alarm bells that dig deep physically. And after a particularly intense somatic therapy session, a new realization dawned that forced me to confront, and release, a part of my past that I was terrified to face.

Sexual assault was the scourge of my early childhood. It happened repeatedly before it was discovered and stopped. My sexuality remains largely unexplored. I’ve made peace with that, but it brings to mind two specific traumas that led me here. After being raped around the age of five, I remember saying something about having a baby. My attackers laughed. One told me that because I was so small, that a fetus would die and stay in my body. I believed it for years. Then a former stepfather (there are a few) routinely berated me for my lack of sexuality, cruelly mocking me for not being as adventurous as he was. He and his girlfriend made fun of me all the time, saying that they’d gladly accept me if I were a lesbian, but couldn’t deal with me “being nothing.” I had told him about what had happened to me many years ago, but I was met with hostile disbelief. And this year, at the age of 52, I “delivered” tumors via a hysterectomy that weighed as much as a baby. Like a scene out of a horror film, the tumor-baby pressed against ligaments covered in endometriosis. That eternal five-year-old inner child covered in welts and bruises, confused and ashamed, cried out in terror at the realization the attackers’ old curse had manifested. The tumors were big enough to create a baby bump. I looked like I was starting to show. Their assaults—physical and emotional—led to real-world medical problems that caused intense pain for years. Medical gaslighting and trauma added to the burden. It’s not all in your head. You can’t simply “get over it,” no matter how frustrated or angry your gaslighters become about “your behavior.”

I was diagnosed with CPTSD a year ago. Cognitive behavior therapy helped for a while, but ultimately I’ve made the most progress with somatic experiencing. It can be scary at times when old traumas bubble up to the surface, but then they begin to dissipate. I feel lighter and have fewer intrusive thoughts. Physically, I have a more comfortable range of motion. It’s also helping me recover from the “pain posture” that so many people with chronic pain are familiar with. Shadow work helped me recognize how my inner child slammed the brakes on areas of my life that she wanted no part of, and because she was relentlessly screaming into the void, I wasn’t going to heal until I faced her and listened. Truly listened, acknowledged, and comforted her. Once I’m a bit more comfortable with somatic experiencing, I’m hoping to give rolfing a try. It’s a type of bodywork/massage that can help with releasing old stress.

There are plenty of days when I feel down and fatigued, but I’m finally getting a sense of what life without chronic pain is going to be like. I’m an eternal student and intend to keep delving into the research and all the ways to heal my body, mind, and spirit.

My question to the CPTSD community is this: When (or even do you) disclose that you have CPTSD in medical settings? If so, what has the reaction been like? What would you recommend to others based on your experience?

Sources: 

  1. Early life abuse and risk of endometriosis. Harris, Holly R., Wieser, Freiderich, Vitonis, Allison F., et al. Human Reproduction, Vol. 33, No. 9, pp. 1657–1668. 2018.
  2. Sexual abuse history and pelvic floor disorders in women. Cichowski, Sara B., Dunivan, Gena C., et al. South Med Journal. 2013 Dec.: 106(12): 675–678. Doi: 10.1097/SMJ.0000000000000029.
  3. Dissociation in women with chronic pelvic pain. Walker, E.A., Katon W.J., et al. American Journal of Psychiatry. 1992, April: 149(4):534–7. Doi: 10.1176/ajp.149.4.534.

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

]]> https://cptsdfoundation.org/2022/10/12/navigating-medical-trauma-with-cptsd/feed/ 0 Courage, Self-Love and Complex Trauma (CPTSD) https://cptsdfoundation.org/2022/06/07/courage-self-love-and-complex-trauma-cptsd/ https://cptsdfoundation.org/2022/06/07/courage-self-love-and-complex-trauma-cptsd/#comments Tue, 07 Jun 2022 09:44:36 +0000 https://cptsdfoundation.org/?p=241707 Complex trauma is an amalgamation of long-term abuse and neglect, and therefore when trying to understand a traumatic past from an adult perspective it reveals itself as a confusing mosaic of multi-layered events, scattered along our timeline from the non-verbal stage of life to the adult now. It is only when we can begin to join our awareness of what is arising, and be with dissociative episodes and flashbacks with compassion and self-love, (and without self-criticism and judgment) that we can begin to find a finger-hold on mitigating and understanding complex trauma, and how it is infiltrating and affecting our lives.

The definition: Complex PTSD happens in response to chronic and repetitive neglect, emotional, physical, and/or sexual abuse, usually occurs in childhood, and is typically deeply interpersonal within the child’s caregiving network. The child has no way to escape, or survive without the parent(s) or caregiver(s), and endures a cruel and imprisoned world of abuse and neglect with no empathetic witness to help or validate the child’s feelings or what’s happening. Often siblings are recruited as proxies to the abuser(s) adding to the vast interpersonal web of perpetrators. The child alone in this situation can endure predatory behaviors such as: scapegoating, gaslighting, stalking and bullying, humiliation, neglect, physical and sexual abuse, withholding of love and attention, making love and affection conditional, and total invalidation of the abuse, and needs of the child. The child has no safe space or family member to retreat to which increases the view of the world that the abuse will never end. Because the brain is still developing and the child is just beginning to learn about the world around them and who they are as an individual in that world, as well as developing first relationships – severe and repetitive trauma interrupts the entire course of their psychological, and neurological development.

When you’re born in a burning house, you think the whole world is on fire. But it’s not.

_Richard Kadrey

The child who endures this type of trauma begins to cope by going into survival mode and developing deep-seated survival strategies such as giving up and losing their sense of self to try and find a way to appease the abuser(s) and mitigate the trauma, becoming highly adrenalized, hypervigilant, hypersensitive, and hyper-intune to the harasser(s), the environment, and the telltale signs of looming abuse. The child’s brain begins to develop entrenched neural pathways that create survival mechanisms that become the first responders to recurring traumatic events, and the brain is left to fracture and compartmentalize to save and secure the parts that need safety and protection, as well as create parts that mirror the abuser(s). The child’s mind only knows survival under these circumstances. Logic, understanding, reasoning with the perpetrator(s), or speaking to another adult about what is happening is not an avenue for a baby or young child. There is no concept for anger, hatred, being abused, or neglected from a child’s perspective nor the ability to describe what is happening – the only understanding is confusion and the downward spiral to self-hatred, unworthiness, feeling unloved, unloveable, disconnected, separate, unwanted, and constantly under threat. This is the primary reason why abusers choose children because they are easy targets and there are generally no witnesses, or the mechanisms in place to fight back, understand or escape. As the child grows the brain is set up for survival and begins to meet life from this debilitating place of untrustworthy broken relationships, lies, betrayal, lack and scarcity, shame, low self-worth, and a menagerie of inner self-critics on steroids.

Self-hatred is only ever a seed planted from the outside in.

_Hannah Gadsby

The adult survivor therefore must contend with a brain that is still functioning through the lens of survival, and continuing to meet life and all of its challenges and burdens with the limited scope of survival strategies, avoidance, and fear of connection to others, overwhelmed by a nervous system caught in fight-flight mode, and trying to make sense of a patchwork of years of trauma. The healing journey for complex trauma is not an easy one. Finding the right trauma-informed therapist or mentor can help, and having trustworthy friends or loved ones to reach out to that can hold the space for you and love you through difficult times is also essential, and as you heal and integrate you can begin to do this work led by your heart, awareness, compassion, and love for yourself.

HeartBalm is a reader-supported publication and podcast. To follow me and receive new posts directly to your inbox, and support my work, please consider becoming a subscriber.

Ultimately, the way to healing is to first begin to understand that you are not broken, that none of what happened to you is your fault, and that you have entrenched ways of coping that need your exploration, compassion, love, and awareness. Becoming mindful of each moment, beginning to develop self-care rituals that connect with a heart-centered approach to your life and how you live from there is where you can begin to build a bridge back to a place of self-love were feeling your worthiness, abundance, grace, and wisdom can be seeded, bloom and blossom, and be celebrated.

As I wept

In the arms of darkness,

I heard the voice of my grandmother say,

Nothing stays the same, darling,

Not even pain.

Life is a path of change.

Of ecstasy and ache.

So, no matter what the storm claims,

Let love light the way.

_Tanya Markul

From the deepest part of myself, I can say that I have found enormous healing through the challenges and overwhelming chaos of CPTSD, what it made me face, and how I had to meet myself every single day, and accept every single moment. This healing did not happen overnight, nor was it easy, gentle or kind. There were a lot of tears and tissues on this path to healing, with plenty more to come – I’m sure. I sought so many avenues of healing and found bits of help, wisdom, and hope along the way that helped me keep going but the elusiveness, scope, and magnitude of complex trauma are monstrous. After having tried just about everything possible to heal but still falling short I surrendered to my usual frustration, and that was when I finally realized that the only time I felt my mind clearing and feeling ok to be in my body was when I was in the moment, and open to a practice of self-care and self-love. The only way forward for me was to learn how to love myself even when I did not know what that looked like or felt like. I had dismissed my own needs and wants as part of my survival so I had to begin to understand and learn what my needs were, what I wanted, and what self-love was so I could begin to build my own safe and unique path back to loving my lost and frightened self.

For those anchored with complex PTSD trying to find remedy and healing can be a caustic and soul-aching journey. It is hard to find the words or the fortitude to explain this complicated and layered condition but the simple truth is when one hurts we all hurt, and when one suffers we all suffer. Finding a way to create a safe space, bring self-care, healing, compassion, community, connection, and courage, and bring more self-love to our aching hearts and traumatized soul is the only way forward. This is the reason I began the essential and loving work of HeartBalm, in hopes of sharing my story, my understanding, my love, and bringing balm to all hearts and souls who find their way here.

It is a gift of long-term survival that one becomes highly functional in the midst of a body and nervous system that is continually hijacked. It takes so much courage, mindfulness, acceptance, and loving yourself completely – warts and all to continue on, to keep trying, breathing, and living. If you are reading this and have endured amid trauma, abuse and neglect I bow to your bravery and courage, and willingness to be here. I see you and I honor your grace and wisdom for continuing, and joining me on this warrior’s journey to meet the self exactly where you are – here – now.

It was when I stopped searching for home within others and lifted the foundations of home within myself I found there were no roots more intimate than those between a mind and body that have decided to be whole.

_Rupi Kaur

Whether you have been on a healing journey, know deeply about the depths of your wounds, or are just beginning to prioritize your healing know that you are deeply loved and begin to step into the wisdom of your own divinity and grace. Let this lead you to open a heart path back to yourself. This commitment is for no one else but you sweet one. The way to peace, self-love, and safety is with the vast and infinite source of love within you. When you begin to witness all aspects of who you are in a safe space of awareness, with self-love, self-compassion, and acceptance you begin to heal. When you prioritize a heart-centered way of living and creating space in your day, in your moments that allow you to pause and be with what is arising then you begin to heal even more. Naturally, over time these spaces begin to expand and become more of who you are and bring peace and fullness to your daily life. Living with complex PTSD can happen, and can become healing of contrast and magnificence that has no equal, and can show you what a precious life this is, and how complete you make this world by simply breathing and being a part of it.

Meditations for each blog are also available at heartbalm.substack.com. Please subscribe or contact me with questions or comments. 

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

 

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]]> https://cptsdfoundation.org/2022/06/07/courage-self-love-and-complex-trauma-cptsd/feed/ 2 The Never-ending Loop of PTSD and Chronic Pain https://cptsdfoundation.org/2022/03/22/the-never-ending-loop-of-ptsd-and-chronic-pain/ https://cptsdfoundation.org/2022/03/22/the-never-ending-loop-of-ptsd-and-chronic-pain/#comments Tue, 22 Mar 2022 10:00:17 +0000 https://cptsdfoundation.org/?p=240052 On bad days, I don’t know where the anxiety stops and the chronic pain begins. The tightening in my chest could be a warning of a panic attack or of a fibromyalgia flare that will spread across my chest, down my arms, and into my hands, rendering me unable to write — both my work and my passion — or to hug my loved ones. The need to lie down in a quiet, darkened room could be because of sensory overload that triggers my chronic fatigue, or a trauma trigger that means I need the safety of my bed and the darkness that is by turns both comforting and lonely. The resulting pain and depression seem to roll into one.

Am I depressed because I am in pain, or in pain because I’m depressed?

I was diagnosed with PTSD and accompanying anxiety and depression in 2010, after fleeing a violent relationship. While PTSD can become less acute over time, particularly with the right care and support, trauma leaves a mark. In my case, both neural pathways in my brain and scars upon my body. But six years on, after a lot of therapy, rebuilding of my life, and a new, loving relationship where I do not fear for my life on a daily basis, I was healing. I was less anxious and less prone to bouts of depression, and bad days were getting further apart.

Then it came back, and with it, new diagnoses that affected my body as well as my mind (if the two can even be said to be fully separate.)

I gave birth to my third child in 2016 after traumatic three-day labor which hit all of my trauma triggers and sent me into a state of extreme disassociation that my newly-qualified midwife had no idea how to handle. My husband was fantastic, but the fear on his face started to mirror my own.

For days afterward I couldn’t let go of my son without being plunged into acute terror. The only thing that soothed me was the soft warmth of his little body and the sound of his heartbeat. The psychiatric nurse diagnosed me with PTSD, again, and gave me medication that meant I couldn’t breastfeed. A relief, because the sensation was suddenly triggering, and now I had an excuse to switch to bottles without feeling like a failure.

All of a sudden, the world was a dangerous place again. Monsters lurked in every shadow, and nightmares prowled my sleep, making rest impossible.

Then the pain started.

Chronic pain and fatigue are often correlated with trauma-related mental health disorders, and at first, I assumed they would go away as my mental health improved. Which it did, slowly, especially when my son got older and more robust and I stopped compulsively waking him up to check that he was still breathing. But instead, as my head cleared, my body just hurt more, and after a while, all my symptoms started to blur together.

My doctor made noises about psychosomatic disorders and suggested the psychiatrist again, while I cried and begged for painkillers. It was a relief when I was finally referred to the endocrinologist and diagnosed with both fibromyalgia and ME, although that relief wore off when I was told they were ‘not curable, but treatable’ and I would potentially spend the rest of my life managing them, just as I would my anxiety.

A few years on, time is measured in moments, not days.

I make no pretense of how I feel about the ‘self-improvement’ approach to both anxiety disorders and chronic pain as if we could think our way out of over-thinking or feel our way out of extreme physical sensitivity, but I do like gratitude lists. When the sun bursts through my window and my youngest laughs at the dust dancing in the air, turned golden by the light, I am suddenly reminded that I am, in spite of it all, glad to be here. On some days when getting out of bed is a feat beyond me, the tree across the road becomes my companion. This may sound trite to those who have been accustomed to taking such things for granted, but there are days when the beauty of the sky can move me to tears, and I find a feeling of safety — that too often eludes me — in such moments.

I try to remind myself that I am not alone.

Even if it feels like it, and even if there are days when I want to be. It is not uncommon, for those with mental health disorders to also experience chronic illness in other forms. I am not unique, trapped in my own cage of fear and pain. And there are others, I’m sure, who cry at the sunset too, just because there are too many nights when bedroom ceilings, or the walls of institutions, have been all we can see.

I have to try not to get angry. At my old abuser. A medical system that too often dismisses, stigmatizes, and marginalizes us, and shows such a lack of understanding of how childbirth can and does affect trauma survivors. In an economic system that means I am only ever one client away from poverty, and so when my hands seize up, the fear is not of the past but of the future. Some days it is hard, and on other days the anger is not a bad thing. It is better than the numbness. It is better than pain, gnawing relentlessly at my joints like a hungry dog on a bone.

My favorite days, of course, are the ones when all this fades into the background, the sunlight dances like golden dust in the air, and my son laughs, coaxing a smile reserved for such moments. I string these memories together like beads on a rosary, points of solidity in an otherwise never-ending loop.

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

]]> https://cptsdfoundation.org/2022/03/22/the-never-ending-loop-of-ptsd-and-chronic-pain/feed/ 2 A Child Lost in Time: Trauma and Chronic Pain https://cptsdfoundation.org/2022/03/17/a-child-lost-in-time-trauma-and-chronic-pain/ https://cptsdfoundation.org/2022/03/17/a-child-lost-in-time-trauma-and-chronic-pain/#comments Thu, 17 Mar 2022 10:33:34 +0000 https://cptsdfoundation.org/?p=240082  

As I sit here with several benign tumors that are causing constant pain, I realize how chronic medical problems have followed me throughout life. I was always the sickly, hand-shy kid. Pain and odd ailments punctuate every major inflection point, like a divorce or career change. I land in urgent care or the emergency room nearly annually, or at best, every other year. Tonsillitis three times in my forties. Cysts and fibroids abound.  A couple of cancer scares. Before I was diagnosed with CPTSD, I didn’t understand how mental illness can affect a body so deeply, even as it was happening to me.  In 2005, an orthopedic surgeon and several physical therapists grew frustrated because I couldn’t relax my leg. One flat-out yelled at me after knee surgery because I couldn’t bend the way I was instructed to. My muscles have been so tense for so long that I don’t know how to relax. Now in my 50s, the muscle pain is a persistent bother. It was during a therapy session that the connection was made: a lost child frozen in time.

I’ve been stuck in freeze mode for decades. I’m still that four-year-old child who ran into the hallway begging for help after overhearing what my abusers had planned for me, only to be met with brutality. I made a lifestyle of hiding after that. And I never stopped.

Even in plain sight, I tuck myself into shadowy corners and back rows, wearing oversized clothes. Back to the wall and an exit nearby for a stealthy escape. Not being noticed is my superpower. After diagnosis, the CPTSD Foundation was one of the first sites I found. An article on Lost Child Syndrome struck home, particularly with the line, “The first belief is that they have the power to hurt others around them by taking up space in the world.” It was as though someone held up a mirror and it shook me to the core. I was “safe,” but at what cost? It was the opposite of FOMO. Rather than being afraid of missing out, I worried about having to be there. It wasn’t a social life; it was an asocial life.

The pain of hiding, frozen in time, accumulates. Surrounded by a legion of squishy toys, I squeeeeeze the ever-living life out of them during therapy sessions. My legs tangle around the chair legs as my arms stretch taut across the armrests, with my hands clutching as though I’m on a ride at a theme park with a reputation for being unsafe. Therapy has given me an understanding of how I live in this world and I now have tools to help me cope better but addressing the physical aspect has become a priority.

A New Sensation

I enrolled in a somatic therapy program that uses a combination of techniques like polyvagal therapy and the Feldenkrais Method. Yoga has been a favorite for years, so I expected to dive right in. The result? The first attempt was scarier than anticipated. Why? Imagine dangling off the edge of a cliff for years. Someone offers a hand to pull you up. You’ve been hanging off this precipice most of your life—it’s become your reality. The idea of actual safety doesn’t register. Neither does the idea of trusting the person offering help. Persistence is key.

It took me several tries to make it through the first somatic therapy exercise, which simply consisted of laying down and concentrating on the sensations in my body. It triggered me. I was shocked and saddened, worried that I might not make it through the program. It took several tries over days. Each time I started to cry, but then, finally, I relaxed. Really relaxed. If that orthopedic surgeon could see me now!

The aftereffects were amazing. It was similar to how you feel after a massage. I felt lighter and there was a tingling sensation in my muscles; the tension freed up. I was a bit light-headed but in a pleasant way. While I have a long way to go in these programs that focus on bodywork, I’m already seeing the benefits, and I look forward to putting a lot of effort into them. My advice:

  • Before signing up for anything, sample what you can. Some workers in the space make a selection of sessions available for free on their sites or their channels on YouTube so you can try it for yourself.
  • Chat with people (says the girl who never wanted to talk to anyone)! If you have access to online or in-person groups, ask what the experience was like for others. Was it worth the cost?
  • Be open-minded, but do your research. Some methods seem “out there” and may feel silly at times, but when you find something effective, it’s a revelation. Check out reviews and read up on the qualifications of the people selling the programs. Are they making claims that are over the top?
  • Give yourself time! Pace yourself, be patient and compassionate with yourself, and have a line to whatever support you can if you need help.

After a lifetime of feeling disconnected from the world, it can feel unsettling and terrifying to open up. Hypervigilance is exhausting and the physical effects are real. It’s never too late to start listening to your body and guide it through the healing process.

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

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