The term dysfunctional family is used to give a name to a family that does not function within normal parameters. There may be alcoholism, drug abuse, neglect, and abuse. These disturbed families harbor children who, because of their debilitated families, are not capable of living the lives they should have.
As a result of the dysfunction in these families, children take one of four different and predictable, limiting roles. These roles include the hero, the scapegoat, the lost child, and the mascot. This article will focus on the lost child, what it consists of and, how to heal.
Who are Lost Children?
Lost children spend an excessive amount of time hiding in plain sight. They expend all their energies trying not to get noticed by anyone, including teachers, other children, and their caregivers.
This behavior is usually the result of neglect and abuse, where the child felt trapped and unable to escape. Their only line of defense was to remain quiet and still knowing that eventually, the traumatic event will pass.
Lost children are mostly made up of third-born children but can be any child from oldest to youngest.
Lost children, in early childhood, develop a belief that they are powerful enough to blame themselves for the woes of their families. They feel they want too much and that they do not have a place in the world. They learn early to be quiet, unassuming, so they are out of the way.
The lost child spends a great deal of time daydreaming, fantasizing, and creating worlds in her mind where she is happier than with her true family. They love to do solitary activities like watching TV, playing video games, and reading.
Lost children are invisible, lonely, and afraid.
The Lost Child as an Adult
Adult lost children, because of their upbringing, are not equipped to handle the world. This is because they have disconnected from their families. This means they are left without any knowledge of what to expect in life or from relationships.
Adult lost children feel left out, angry, isolated, sad, confused, and powerless because they did not learn in their childhoods how to get along in the world. They might go from relationship to relationship searching for the family she did not have or form no relationships at all.
Their problems with relationships are directly related to their treatment in childhood. Lost adult kids feel people cannot be trusted and that they must remain self-reliant and not trust anyone else to meet their needs.
Harmful Belief Patterns in Grown Lost Children
Invisible children as adults tend to keep self-defeating beliefs that they formed in early to late childhood. The first belief is that they have the power to hurt others around them by taking up space in the world.
Grown lost children form what is called omnipotence guilt, the belief that they have the power to do anything and guilt because they cannot. Omnipotent guilt basically is the belief that I have the power to do anything for my loved ones and guilt because I cannot achieve happiness for them.
Another harmful belief is that people are too unreliable, unstable, and fragile for them to depend on them. As children, these lost adults were faced with grown-ups in their family who could not be relied upon to meet their physical and emotional needs. So, it makes sense they would believe this in adulthood.
Four Signs You Might Be a Lost Child
While the following traits of a lost child are pertinent, they are not all-inclusive. The four signs are they are isolated, numb, self-sacrificing, and lack intimacy.
Isolated. It makes sense that someone who hid from stress and abuse as a child will become an isolated adult. Lost children in adulthood mimic being an introvert. They have few friends, are reserved in showing their true feelings, and avoid social activities.
Numb. Adult lost children have problems feeling emotions. They may have difficulties feeling sad when something bad happens, or difficulty feeling happy. They have lived in this numbness since childhood and are practiced at hiding their emotions.
Self-Sacrificing. Most adult lost children are selfless, they give generously to others, especially those they love. However, this trait can be self-defeating as these invisible children now grown to be adults, give too much of themselves. They lose their own needs in the shadows. This giving trait makes adult lost kids vulnerable to people who would take advantage of them. The cause of being self-sacrificing to a fault is that as children, they never asked or received much from their caregivers.
Lack of Intimacy. Most lost children raise themselves, and as adults, they fail at any intimate relationships they attempt to form. This failure is the result of a lack of enjoyment of physical and emotional intimacy caused by the lack of connections they made in childhood.
How to Overcome Being an Invisible (Lost) Child
Recovery from any amount of childhood neglect and abuse is not simple. It takes much time and dedication, however, it can be done.
The first step is to establish a relationship with a mental health professional. At first, the relationship an adult lost child forms will be very surface, meaning they will not disclose much. This is especially true of emotional feelings.
The only way to defeat being a lost child is to face your past head-on. That does not mean you will do it alone, like in the past. Therapy means to experience the rage and loneliness you had as a child with someone else who can help you understand your feelings.
Adults know they have reached healing when they refuse to live as victims of other people’s dramas and no longer consent to not being in control of their lives. They will also be capable of saying no to the requests of others without feeling extreme guilt and shame. Finally, they have become capable of feeling free to focus on their own dreams.
“Be brave enough to live the life of your dreams according to your vision and purpose instead of the expectations and opinions of others.” ~ Roy Bennett
“Reality is a dream that someone was brave enough to conquer.” ~ Shannon L. Alder
“Dream your own dreams, achieve your own goals. Your journey is your own and unique.” ~ Roy Bennett
References
Learning Mind: https://www.learning-mind.com/the-lost-child-dysfunctional-family/
Tom Moon: http://www.tommoon.net/2017/02/13/dysfunctional-family-roles-3-the-lost-child/
My name is Shirley Davis and I am a freelance writer with over 40-years- experience writing short stories and poetry. Living as I do among the corn and bean fields of Illinois (USA), working from home using the Internet has become the best way to communicate with the world. My interests are wide and varied. I love any kind of science and read several research papers per week to satisfy my curiosity. I have earned an Associate Degree in Psychology and enjoy writing books on the subjects that most interest me.
Thankyou Shirley,
Hi Shirley and other participants here,
It was refreshing for me to come across your item on lost children. I hope you are still open to comments on the issue and how it is presented. The previous comments indicate how important this is.
It is not that I felt lost in my own situation in the family, but indeed I was lost to them. So it figures that I was hiding…
I’d like to comment about the concept of the ‘disfunctional family’. Everything points to it as the root cause of the abuse children like me have to suffer. But what about the many millions of families (and their children) who are maimed, displaced and otherwise being shattered by war and other social ‘disfunctions’? Where do you point as the root cause of children’s abuse in these, alas so common situations? Where do you start to explain? To heal?
Even as a child you may realize that your family and the other grownups around you share in the same abusive situation. Then there is no sense in thinking about THEM as ‘disfunctional’. You realize that everyone is just doing the best they can under the circumstances. You learn from their ‘imperfect’ examples. And if they don’t feel too guilty they try to learn also from you.
I realize that I may sound like the ‘family hero’ in the typology of neglected and abused children. Maybe I was, among other roles. But that should not mask the main point: The normative, functional family is just a myth for so many people. Why should we lean on some ‘rights’ of children when they are out of
reach for the adults too? Let us help each other instead, inside the family and in our other, minimal, sphere of influence.
Thank you. I hadn’t considered children growing up in war zones. My experience is with dysfunctional families and I have none with families and children living in the terror of war. I will write a future article covering them. Thank you for the wonderful suggestion. Shirley
It was really great to find out how open you are to the point of view in my comment. But the scenes in which children face abuse and load traumatic experince together with their parents are not restricted at all to the so called ‘war zones’. I was referring to so many dislocated people in the sense that their ‘natural protection’ (whether by the community, by the state, by tradition and religion) was lost. This challenged their self control. The parents usually feel also guilty for not providing their children with the protection they need, and this only complicates fhe situation.
Thank you so much.
Uri
Thanks again. I’ll consider writing about that too, if not here, then on my own blog. Shirley
Hi Shirley,
I just found a rich resource on children lost in Europe, some 250,000 per year, mainly ‘run away’ cases. Many of them are connected to migration and war.
I thought that it may help in your future work on the subject of ‘the lost child’. To me this is part of a continuum…
Here is the link:
https://missingchildreneurope.eu/
Uri
Thank you.
What happens when even therapy doesnt help? When the therapist retraumatizes you by abandoning you? Or invalidating you? Or you just dont feel a connection, and after so many times telling the intro to your life over and over without getting any healing in return, its burnt you out. It seems a cruel joke to have interpersonal trauma and to be told to go and continuously be retraumatized in an attempt to heal the trauma. There has to be a better way.
And can a healthy relationship really be learned in therapy when the relationship is so one sided? I’m not allowed to ask about them or their lives, the focus is only on me and mine. That doesnt teach me how to be a friend, it just teaches me to be self centered in relationships and emotionally dump my issues onto others
Not all therapists are created alike. If that one invalidated you then seek out another. Keep seeking until you find a good fit.
A therapist will not teach you how to have a good relationship. They can help you find what you need inside yourself to recognize and form one. It is not self-centered or dumping to talk to a therapist because the therapeutic relationship is an unreal and unusual relationship. She/he is not your friend or your future partner, they are detached individuals who act as seeing-eye dogs to help guide you on your healing travels.
I hope you will give a different therapist and therapy another try. Shirley
You telling me to keep trying when Im burnt out on it is like telling someone who has no gas left in their car to just drive to the gas station and get some more. It doesnt make sense. Not trying to be confrontational at all, but its how I see it. I have had 10 therapists since high school, I am in my 30s now, so I have been trying for years to find the right fit.
I dont have any more hope or trust to give to therapists after being disappointed by them so much. My last one for example, earlier this year, told me that she could help me with most if not all of my issues. Then a few months into it when I was starting to feel comfortable she was like “actually this isnt going to work out” and didnt allow for a smooth transition to the next therapist, she just stopped seeing me abruptly and left me to deal with sh*t on my own. I didnt even know our last session would be the last one, so no chance to wrap up loose ends or whatever. I was literally starting to tell myself “I am grateful for (her name)” because I really did feel a connection and like she could help me, then I get hit with that news and it brings back all the times I thought I could trust someone but they ended up hurting me instead, and its just too much for me to deal with again. Plus the self hatred that comes with my judgement being so messed up that I keep trusting the wrong people.
I know therapists arent friends and I dont go onto it thinking they are. But a huge reason I struggle is because of a lack of close relationships, and not knowing how to be friends. I grew up with a narcissistic father and a codependent mother so my views about interpersonal stuff are warped for sure.
A therapist can point out what I need to work on, but its not an opportunity to practice those things because as you said its not a real world scenario, and that definitely frustrates me I guess. Is the solution for learning how to be a good friend to just keep bumbling through interpersonal situations and ruining potential friendships until I get it right? Because that doesnt sound very hopeful
Hi Meagan,
I get where you are coming from re: therapy. I was horribly retraumatized by one therapist and hurt to a lesser extent by several others. The truth is that most therapists aren’t equipped to help people with cptsd. I think someyimes people get lucky and find a therapist who can help them, but in my experience the chance of being hurt in therapy is high. I hope you are able to find a path to some releif. Just wanted you to know you are not alone, and the problem is with therapy, not you.
Meagan, I’m truly so sorry. I wish you were beside me so I could hug you for a long time and cry with you. I was the Lost Child in our family too and I totally understand what you’re saying; I get it, no explanation needed. None of my therapists even identified that I was in a Narcissistic family let alone help me deal with it. I went because of Depression. Well, the reason for the Depression was, in fact, because I was surrounded by assholes. I had to do my own research and learn on my own which angers me because there has to be a better way. All I can say is whether in person or online, find someone really knowledgable in Narcissism and really skilled in dealing with it. I like Dr. Les Carter, Richard Grannon although I don’t agree with everything he says, Dr. Ramani isn’t bad. All on Youtube. I’m holding you in my heart.
I apologize if my answer to you was inappropriate. Therapy can and is highly triggering and sometimes re-traumatizing.
My answer was cold, but please remember everyone that I am only human. I make mistakes and have bad days too.
I truly do not have an excellent answer for you, I’m afraid. I hope you find peace and I wish you well.
Shirley Davis
Shirley – I found your comments to Meagan to be invalidating and quite frankly not very helpful. It was obvious to me that she had already tried several different therapists..If that didn’t jump right off the page to you then you totally missed the boat because I got that right away and it am not even a therapist. I am part of a narcissistic support group in my area. I think that could potentially help Meagan a lot. Especially with her upbringing. Perhaps mention something like that next time in addition to beating the counseling drum.
Thank you Dave. I’m not afraid to say I dropped the ball. Thank you for calling me on it. Shirley
Ngl but that doesn’t work. As an autistic women with CPTSD, therapists are more likely to try and reenact the issues of my childhood on steroids due to the field’s systematic abuse/dehumanization of neurodivergance. Most therapists will not even allow me to show emotions as I don’t ‘look normal’ when expressing them, have needs/boundaries (even asking questions), etc. Therapy by design is designed to be a place for normal neurotypicals while people who are different have to mask.
Meagan – I can totally relate to what you have shared here. I have been abandoned by 4 different counselors. There are sooooooo many counselors that are codependent and unhealthy. I have certainly found my share of them. And ones that put the focus on themselves and wont shut up. I’ve had 2 in a row like that. Im really sorry for your experiences. It sucks. I hate it too.
The very reason for your being there is to talk about YOU and YOUR past, the reasons you have become the adult you are.
It is supposed to be one sided , your aren’t there to make friends you are there to get help from a professional who was trained to interact with you in an appropriate manner . You are meant to focus on yourself , to realise and understand how your upbringing has affected you. Only when you understand the damage done and it’s affects can you truly start to heal.
I can definitely relate to this. However, I didn’t grow up feeling omnipotent and then guilty. I grew up feeling there was something I wasn’t doing right, and I worked and worked to try to fix it, so that everyone would be happy, and we’d become like other families that I imagined were perfect. It never worked. That’s where the guilt came in, along with all of the abusive responses to my efforts to do it right. As an adult, I continued to isolate and seek the safest alternatives in life, and unfortunately continued to try to please people and keep the peace. It has never worked. At 60, with C-PTSD, isolated, and in chronic pain, I have learned to take a step back when that feeling that it’s my fault rears itself. I’m recognizing the internal frustration and anger. I’m seeking a new therapist who practices mind-body healing, and not only talk therapy. It’s been an incredibly long road. You write about following your dreams. My dreams were always to just make them happy. Now, I hope I can learn to dream beyond that. Thank you for your blog.
Without invalidating your feelings, the role of a therapist is to not be your friend or disclose to much information to you as that would be crossing professional boundaries. Therapy can be hard with so many limitations like the number of sessions and the 50 minute sessions, and you won’t always feel a connection with the therapist, and even harder to do so as a lost child. I know this from experience, the therapist job is to help you challenge your Own thoughts and feelings. A friend is someone who gives advice, a therapist will not do that. If you can’t challenge your own thoughts and beliefs then it’s gonna be hard to form better relationships. I’m sure your last therapist would of have a reason not to continue, I wouldn’t take it so personally. Hope you can find some peace and love on your journey. Wishing all the best
So sad to hear this. I too have been failed by many therapists through the years (I’m 50 now but started seeking therapy at 18 since I knew I was dramatically different from my peers and didn’t know why). I can imagine how difficult those of us with CPTSD must seem in therapy, especially for therapists that are focused on individual events rather than the whole picture. Some of the best work for me has honestly been safe yoga (although I’m still in therapy). My first few years of classes were terrifying but the chance to feel “better” (maybe connected?) kept bringing me back. I found that many people I met through yoga were more open to accepting of the symptoms I regularly face with compassion and openness which led me to sharing, accepting and now processing my terrible childhood. There are online trauma sensitive/trauma informed classes that can be done from the safety of home as I know, at least for me, the first few in person classes were literally terrifying and the first few years found me leaving classes regularly as I didn’t want to be touched, would get scared, embarrassed or overwhelmed (something trauma informed yoga takes into account).
I’m sorry, but I don’t even understand this:
“Invisible children as adults tend to keep self-defeating beliefs that they formed in early to late childhood. The first belief is that they have the power to hurt others around them by taking up space in the world.
Grown lost children form what is called omnipotence guilt, the belief that they have the power to do anything and guilt because they cannot. Omnipotent guilt basically is the belief that I have the power to do anything for my loved ones and guilt because I cannot achieve happiness for them.”
The very last thing I felt as an abused child—at home and at school—was any kind of power, let along omnipotence.
What I meant is that children feel responsible for everything that happens in their home regardless of the fact that they are innocent victims. I’m sorry that I upset you. Shirley
I see what you mean, Shirley. Like the delicate child psyche chooses self blame over seeing the the primary attachment figures as faulty. For the child, it is actually scarier to see their source of love and security as flawed. So, kids blame themselves… I was really bad so I deserved to be hit… I caused my parents divorce, etc.
I grew up as a lost child. That descriptor very much fits me. Having a description of what I’ve been internalizing but not truly identifying is helpful.
Hi…uhm I don’t know if anyone still comments on here but I’m 14 and I want to say I’m a lost child but I don’t really know to be honest. I actually just heard a really big fight between my brother and dad and I didn’t know what to do so I just typed in dysfunctional families and kept reading till I got here and well I just wanted to say thankyou I don’t think I understand my feelings yet but I’m gonna stop ignoring them hopefully anyway
You are very welcome. You can go to your school’s counseling office and talk to someone if you need to. I’ll be thinking of you. Shirley
I don’t know if this’ll be seen because the last comment is about half a year old. But thanks for writing this. I’ve read many things that I related to, but I’ve never felt so understood. I’ve gone through some terrible stuff, but I feel the majority of this article fits me. I rarely cry, but this brought tears to my eyes. But my parents only understand my upper side, and when I try to show my lower side to my step mom, she always tries to counter everything I say, and I just don’t know what to do, cause my parents would probably get on to me if i went to my school counselor, and probably wouldn’t take me to a therapist. I’m thinking of trying to improve myself when I leave to live with my mom next year, would that be too late? I also have a big and vivid imagination, which is my main comfort zone, aside from my room. I’m just want guidance without being scolded or corrected, and with understanding. If you reply, Thank you.
Perhaps when you go to live with your mom she will allow you to get counseling. In the meantime, it sounds like you are working on your self-awareness. That’s fantastic. Keep working on that and keep your chin up, okay? Shirley Davis
Youve seen my face, I now hate you
Hello,
I have been in CoDA and individual therapy off and on for several years. Severe mental illness (SMI) and drug addiction run in my family, though I have always felt fortunate to not have inherited either. In therapy settings, everyone always brings up lack of self-esteem to me and it never really fit. I know I have relationship insecurities, and that I try to help others with things beyond my control, but I also have a lot of self-confidence. I always did well in school, I can accomplish most things I put my mind to, and I like myself to boot! Recently, I attended a family session at my son’s addiction treatment program and the lecture was about the 4 roles children take on in dysfunctional families. The description of the Lost Child made me cry because the speaker said the Lost Child ‘s lingering belief is “I am not important.” It hit the nail on the head. I’ve always felt competent and worthy, but never included or valued. A grandmother now, I find that other extended family snatch up all the holidays and special events and I have a hard time speaking up “Hey, what about me?! It’s my turn!” And I never feel like I am truly part of any social group, even though I participate like crazy and others see me as essential- even central! And I never feel truly loved in a relationship and I am hypersensitive to being used or manipulated. By the way, as a third child with grown children of my own with SMI, my secondary role is the Hero now, so I am generally proactive and I am NOT shy. But this lingering belief that I am not important has really become apparent in my role as a grandmother and I don’t know how to change that belief at 58 years old.
This explains me to a tee! I grew up solitary with only my mum. I only saw grandparents and two cousins 300 miles away twice a year and then it was back to me and mum again and a church where I was bullied and abused. I would now describe myself as exhausted from trying with people and getting nowhere. I was even told I try too hard with people! I’m now 51 and in the same situation I was in when a toddler. I just keep my head down in life now and get on with my job and that’s it.
Thanks for the interesting read 😑
As a lost child, I can understand that most of the symptoms of it are not healthy. However — I can’t justify blind faith in others. Just assuming you can rely on someone to be trusted. Not being completely independent in something DOES ALWAYS come with a chance that they cannot be trusted, will let you down, by accident or on purpose. Sure, some people stick by their words more than others do, but no one keeps their word 100% of the time. So, what, we either trust everything, knowing we’ll be hurt at some point when that trust isn’t real, or we trust arbitrarily that something someone promised either will or won’t come true, but we never know for sure. How can you set your hopes on something, sink your feelings and care in something, in someone else, and pretend you definitely know they will be there? It’s not true. I can’t depend on anyone else; when you know no one is perfect, eventually that trust will be broken. The possibility of someone always being exactly perfect in their promises is a lie in the first place.
This is me to a T !!!!!!!
I’m scared by the fact how accurate It is to me. Maybe I’m not the problem.
Hey – thank you for this description. This fits me almost perfectly. I’m a third child, who often tried to be invisible, from a dysfunctional and at times abusive family. My father turned to me one day to say in surprise: oh wow, she is the “forgotten child.” I don’t think I tried to fix things however, or imagine that I could. I think I had the opposite problem and thought I couldn’t really affect others much, and was surprised in relationships when people asked me what I wanted, or needed, and that what I said or did could be hurtful. If you feel like you don’t matter, it is shock to realize that sometimes you do! I also had an issue.. an ongoing issue, where I think I’ve tried very hard to accomplish things that I think will make my family like or love me or be proud of me, and it never really seems to work. New job, degrees, new skills, performances, good grades. It doesn’t seem to mean much, or solve things, or secure love and affection. It’s a lesson I struggle to learn. And then I don’t know exactly what I want, because I’ve based my life on what I imagine others might want.