Do I tell my parents?
Do they deserve to know what happened to me?
Would they believe me?
Would they hold it with care, or would it break me all over again?

If you’re here, standing in that in-between place, you’re not alone. This is one of the hardest crossroads survivors face. For some, the decision feels clear. For others, like me, it’s layered and ongoing.

Sometimes the abuse happened under your parents’ roof.
Sometimes it was hidden in plain sight.
And sometimes, you don’t even know if they know.

You might find yourself circling questions like:

• Do I owe them this truth?
• Will it bring healing or harm?
• What if they can’t hold it? What if they say the wrong thing, or nothing at all?
• What if I speak it and everything changes—or worse, nothing does?

The truth is, sharing your story with a parent is not required for healing. It is a choice. And like all sacred choices, it deserves time, care, and safety.

Ask Yourself These Questions First

Before deciding to disclose, here are a few grounding questions to sit with:

1. Why do I want to share this?
Is it for connection? Clarity? Validation? To reclaim power? To draw a boundary?
There is no wrong reason, but knowing your why can anchor you.

2. What do I hope will happen? What do I fear might happen?
Give yourself permission to answer both. Hope and fear can live side by side.

3. Have I processed this enough to hold steady if their response is hurtful, shocked, or dismissive?
If not, that’s okay. It may not be time yet.

4. Do I have support ready, a friend, therapist, or coach to debrief with afterward?
You are not meant to carry this alone, no matter how strong you are.

If You Do Choose to Share, Prepare Yourself First

Here are a few things that can help:

• Write down what you want to say.
  It can be a letter, a few bullet points, or a full narrative. Organizing your thoughts helps you stay grounded.
• Practice.
  Talk it through with someone you trust. Let your nervous system rehearse what it feels like to be witnessed.
• Set boundaries before the conversation.
  Say things like, “I just need you to listen right now,” or “I’m not looking for advice or debate.”
• Prepare for all outcomes.
  They may meet you with compassion, or they may not. Your truth is still valid.
• Have a plan for how to step away if needed.
  If things get overwhelming, you get to pause, end, or redirect the conversation.

And If You Decide Not to Tell Them? That’s Valid Too.

You do not owe anyone your story. Not even your family.

You can be deeply healing and wildly brave without ever telling your parents what happened.

Not telling doesn’t mean you’re hiding. It means you are choosing what is safest, kindest, and most aligned for you right now.

And if your answer changes later? That’s okay. This journey is not linear.

Final Thoughts

This part of your story, the telling, the not telling, the wondering, still belongs to you.

You don’t have to rush. You don’t need anyone’s permission. You get to honor your truth in whatever way feels right. You are not broken. You are becoming. And that is powerful.

As for me, I still haven’t shared my story with my parents.
They can’t even hold my warm memories without minimizing them, so I’ve chosen not to interrupt my peace just to be met with silence or dismissal. I may never get the response I would hope for, and that’s a grief I’ve learned to hold gently. For now, protecting my healing matters more than being understood by people who never truly saw me.

And maybe that’s the bravest choice of all.

Photo by Ioann-Mark Kuznietsov on Unsplash

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Danica Alison

Danica Alison is an optimist, deep thinker, and out-of-the-box adventurer who finds meaning in life’s chaos. She’s a writer, a healing advocate, and someone who believes healing is a journey best traveled with curiosity, humor, and a little bit of rebellious joy.
A lifelong lover of stories, both lived and told. She is passionate about exploring the messy, beautiful process of being human. Whether she’s writing, learning, or connecting with others, she brings a mix of warmth, honesty, and a refusal to fit into neat little boxes.

www.DanicaAlison.com

The term narcissism and its variations get thrown around quite often and the definitions are mixed up and can be lost in translation. It’s important to be clear about this term and other forms of narcissism to understand another’s behavior, how we may become triggered by someone else, and to recognize narcissistic behaviors or how it affects our relationship with another. Information and understanding, especially for the trauma survivor, can help to face fears and soften, expose and bring light to this scary subject, thereby bringing a more empowering viewpoint to see others through a different filter instead of feeling used and victimized.

The simple form of narcissism is characterized by self-idealization and is itself a personality trait all human beings possess. It exists on a continuum with healthy narcissism being the ideal. For example, if you were a child that grew up in an abusive environment, and one or both parents was a narcissist, and you were taught that your needs and wants didn’t matter – that you were not worthy of love or kindness – as a growing teen and adult you would most likely find yourself lacking healthy narcissistic or self-idealized behaviors. You would be on the negative side of the narcissistic scale where zero represents the middle point on the continuum. In this case, you would want to begin to increase your level of narcissism or self-centered, self-caring, and self-loving habits. While this sounds odd that anyone would lack narcissism or need to increase it for those that have experienced trauma and put themselves last or put others’ needs before themselves as a survival strategy or for other reasons it’s important that every human being nurtures and embraces a healthy level of narcissism to live a happy, full and balanced life. Healthy narcissism allows us to love ourselves and therefore others.

Obviously, then on the other side of the spectrum, we can see an increase in narcissistic tendencies where levels one and two are normal-healthy and well-adjusted levels. Level three is the point at which narcissism begins to move into the unhealthy spectrum and represents the borderline narcissist (not to be confused with a borderline personality disorder), level four is the grandiose narcissist, and level five is the peak of unhealthy, dangerous narcissism, and is the level of a malignant or psychotic narcissist. To see further explanations and examples of each level please visit “Overcoming Toxic People”.

At the unhealthiest and most dangerous level on the continuum is the malignant narcissist. The term malignant narcissism was coined by psychologist, Erich Fromm to denote the most extreme form of narcissism and defines it as “the quintessence of evil” and “the most severe pathology and the root of the most vicious destructiveness and inhumanity.”

(This is a term heard much more frequently in recent years, especially as it relates to political, corporate, and cult figures, and as mental health awareness is expanding to understand and deal with dysfunctional family dynamics and healing trauma.) It’s important to note that the malignant narcissist lacks empathy, does not see others as separate from themselves, and therefore sees others as merely extensions of themselves. Others are servile beings on the planet to address, serve, safeguard and attend to their needs. Essentially, if you are not a benefit to the malignant narcissist then there is no reason for you to exist, and they may try to destroy you. The malignant narcissist idealizes and loves himself to the exclusion of others – is rigid, and can be extremely dangerous and harmful to themselves and others. Most level five public figures have a following of enablers, fanatics, and co-dependents who literally become a cult following. It is said that a malignant narcissist will never be alone he will always have a follower and at least be a cult of two – himself and one other but this small number rarely stays small for those in the public sphere. In the family structure, the malignant narcissist creates an environment so dire and consequential that many family members become enablers and have issues with codependency as adults. The truth-teller or those that don’t conform in the family are generally scapegoated and marked for destruction until they acquiesce to the rules of the psychotic parent, helped by the enablers within the interpersonal structure.

Another practical definition of malignant narcissism is a psychological syndrome comprising an extreme mix of narcissism, antisocial behavior, aggression, and sadism. Grandiose, and always ready to raise hostility levels, the malignant narcissist undermines families and organizations in which they are involved, and dehumanizes the people with whom they associate.

_Campbells’ Psychiatric Dictionary (Ninth ed.). Oxford, England.

It should be noted that the malignant narcissist will not seek help for their condition nor will they ever change.

It’s clear that the extreme between healthy narcissism and malignant narcissism should be understood so that these two are not conflated. Additionally, understanding a lack of healthy narcissism in order to bring awareness to our lives, habits, and areas that need balm, self-care, self-love, and healing is vital to our overall health and well-being.

I will refrain from discussing narcissistic personality disorder (or NPD) as outlined in the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) due to its misleading nature and overuse, the controversial nature of the diagnosis, and the DSM itself. I think it’s more beneficial to understand the practical definition of narcissism, the relevant features of narcissism that exist in our day-to-day world, and the impact it has on daily lives.

Another important mention in conjunction with the narcissist is the codependent person in proximity to the narcissist often called an enabler.

Codependency is a dysfunctional relationship dynamic where one person assumes the role of ‘the giver,’ sacrificing their own needs and well-being for the sake of the other, ‘the taker’. The bond in question doesn’t have to be romantic; it can occur just as easily between parent and child, friends, and family members.

_PsychologyToday.

People who are codependent typically have low self-esteem and are more interested in following and being led, have trouble making decisions and identifying their own emotions, have a desire to care for and be important to someone, and a need to allow others happiness to create and define their own state of well-being. Codependency like narcissism exists on a spectrum so some enablers can become quite entrenched in this condition while others have more control over when, where, and to whom this trait is exhibited.

Typically, where there is a narcissist there is a codependent person/enabler, and vice versa. A disturbing but real parallel could be made in the case of cults with the malignant narcissist as a cult leader and the codependent followers/enablers as cult members. This dynamic can be very toxic, addictive, and dysfunctional as well as extremely difficult to break free from. This duo-bonded relationship is found in every area of society, and our culture from politics, corporate and business environments, personal relationships, and family dynamics. Sadly, the enabler and the narcissist’s relationship are not confined to their own dynamic but can have an impact on every area and person they come in contact with, and can destroy families, personal relationships, and upend societies, governments, businesses, and communities. The constant need for lies and manipulation drives the enabler to excuse, downplay, hurt, and lie for the narcissist creating a toxic and dangerous bond. In many environments, the codependent can be seen not only as an enabler but a proxy to the narcissist – doling out the same abuse, toxic narrative, lies, and destruction. This is an example of a next-level enabler and can be just as devastating to the victims of these dysfunctional individuals.

On a personal level, this is a very tough subject for me, and I’m sure for many others, but something that is important to understand completely from an informed perspective. One mantra I live by is to face fears and constantly seek the truth. It shows me a path forward and helps me understand what might be holding me back and shine a light on the ghosts and demons that haunt us. Coming to terms with long-term abuse, the destruction of lives, and the battle to heal from a malignant narcissist abuser, and her enablers is a life-long process but an important journey to take to be free and beyond the shackles that bind us. As I’ve come to understand the variations of narcissism, I can see the times I was set up for death and destruction as a child and teen because I didn’t toe the line for my malignant narcissist mother nor did my father as her enabler do anything to support, protect or stop the abuse. I could see his objective as just staying small, quiet, and out of the way. I could only see my place as terrified, confused, and seeing truth but not understanding the cognitive dissonance in plain sight, and the lies and manipulation from my tiny, innocent perspective. As an adult, any person with selfish tendencies is a trigger for me from the mildest form to the most egregious.

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The best and most explicit example of this destructive dynamic is in our current political environment. No matter which side of the political aisle you stand on or who you voted for it is clear that “the truth will out”. For many trauma survivors, the moment Donald Trump stepped into the frame as a presidential candidate life as we knew it became another living nightmare. Once the election revealed him as the winner I broke – experiencing flashbacks, and constant dissociative episodes. A deeper and even scarier truth crashed over me as I realized the number of people that supported, voted for, enabled, and believed him to be a good option as our president. I thought better of the country I called home, and the people I shared it with but I was wrong, and that broke my heart just as much if not more than the election results themselves. Ignorance, enablers, and liars are just as much of a trigger for me as narcissism itself. This was an unsafe, toxic world again for me after having survived years of narcissistic abuse, and the surrounding enablers. How was I reliving this nightmare again?

The definition of ignorance “is a lack of knowledge and information. The word “ignorant” is an adjective that describes a person in the state of being unaware, or even cognitive dissonance and other cognitive relation, and can describe individuals who are unaware of important information or facts. Ignorance can appear in three different types: factual ignorance (absence of knowledge of some fact), object ignorance (unacquaintance with some object), and technical ignorance (absence of knowledge of how to do something).

_Cambridge Dictionary of Philosophy, 3rd edition, 2015.

The news media and government struggled to try and make sense of this man but seemed ignorant, and unwilling to speak to or see the truth. The lack of attention to the mental illness at play in this man, and his crushing power and control over those that follow and enable him is irresponsible and egregious. Imagine seeing the truth of this destructive, toxic situation, trying to raise alarms, and yet no one wants to listen. I know for so many trauma survivors having to relive situations like these is caustic and unimaginable. It feels as though the abuse is happening all over again and everyone around is aiding the malignant narcissist, blind to it, ignoring the truth, and/or unwilling to help. Another level of trauma is created via the bystander effect – those who are present but who stand by and do nothing in the face of truth, repetitive pleas, and appeals for help. A relevant quote comes from the movie “Spotlight” about catholic priests and the devastating sexual and physical abuses of children that have gone unheeded, unchecked, and allowed to continue without justice, criminal convictions, or remedy for the victims.

It takes a village to raise a child, it also takes a village (or a country) to abuse a child.

_Spotlight movie

Yet, nothing has changed, and we are still witnessing the unending horrors that this man has wreaked on our country, and the world, and how his followers continue on ignorant, unwilling to hear and see the truth, and completely undeterred in their allegiance. The media and government are still standing by, addressing him as normal but doing bad things, and still shocked by the behaviors, asking the same questions with no resolution. They continue to try and keep him in the category of a normal person who has done something bad and continues to get away with his crimes – when he is, in fact mentally ill, and a malignant narcissist of the highest level. To have seen him through this lens from the very beginning would have saved this country and its citizens from so much suffering not to mention the re-traumatization for those of us who have survived this kind of psychopath and his followers, and the world from this space we find ourselves in today.

The insidious offshoots and extensions of his criminal and predatory actions specifically his sexual assaults, misogynistic statements and abuses, sexism, and racism as seen on the news and in plain sight, were sensationalized, callously blamed the victims, and excused his actions. These kinds of unchecked criminal behaviors embolden the malignant narcissist as well as his followers and have unleashed rampant misogyny, sexism, sexual abuse, racism, and other predatory behaviors. This is a repercussion of the malignant narcissist and a dog whistle to other men who are emboldened by the unchecked criminal behaviors, and see it as a free pass to engage their primal urges to abuse and control women, and follow the malignant narcissist’s lead. This also manifested in his female followers to excuse the behavior and betray women-kind. With the onset of Covid, there was an increase in male violence against women and children as women and families were stuck in households with violent, abusive men. The blind eye turned towards the former president and his ilk unleashed rampant hatred, abuse, and violence against women, and now to the point where rights, freedom for women, and the autonomy to have sway over our own bodies. The reversal of Roe v. Wade is just another alarm of the devastation by malignant narcissists and their followers. The level of narcissism, racism, and sexism seen in these measures should be an easy thread to follow from the former president to now but the media and government will not point to his mental illness, sociopathic and sadistic tendencies. They will not listen to those professionals and survivors who know the truth, and it continues to be brushed under the carpet.

It is clear that when we understand narcissism, and the mental health implications surrounding this condition we can begin to have more realistic and healthy conversations about this behavior. It may never be a condition that can be treated but it can be checked in a way to safeguard families, relationships, organizations, and the government. Understanding and truth are powerful weapons against dysfunctional, abusive, violent malignant narcissists, and those with mental health issues, but until we start having an honest discourse about these issues, and thinking of others nothing will change.

For additional information on trauma care and CPTSD please check out my other Friday Editions as well as the HeartBalm Healing podcast and Guided Meditations with Sunny.

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Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Sunny Lynn, OMC

Sunny Lynn, OMC is a spiritual counselor, writer, poet, photographer, meditator, and nature lover on a mission of transmuting complex trauma through self-love, healing, and bringing balm to hearts everywhere. She has a blog and podcast – HeartBalm at heartbalm.substack.com that speaks on the topic of self-care and self-love, mindfulness and healing while living with CPTSD.

www.heartbalmhealing.com

Credit: Karla Ruiz

What is Betrayal Trauma?

• How do you begin to heal when you discover that your partner has been unfaithful?
• How do you learn to trust again when a family member has betrayed you?
• How do you move forward when your boss abused their position of power and sexually harassed you?

In the wake of a betrayal, many people feel their world has been shattered. Some are left wondering whether they even have a future at all. Betrayal and the ensuing sense of despondence can leave victims with chronic distrust problems and crippling self-doubt. Being betrayed by a trusted person can have a long-lasting impact on physical and mental well-being and compromises the ability to form lasting relationships with others.

In her article ‘Understanding Complex Trauma, Complex Reactions, and Treatment Approaches’  Dr. Christine Courtois highlights the interconnectedness of betrayal trauma and Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD), stating that “complex trauma generally refers to traumatic stressors that are interpersonal, that is, they are premeditated, planned, and caused by other humans, such as violating and/or exploitation of another person” (Courtois, 2019). Betrayal causes immense emotional pain and has far-reaching physical and psychological consequences, which are not easily overcome in a day, a week, a month, or even a year. Some people never get over the impact of betrayal. Healing from betrayal requires intense reflection and work on personal growth to rebuild a sense of worthiness, self-confidence, and belonging. Learning to trust others is one of the most difficult hurdles to overcome. Recovery from betrayal is isolating and painfully difficult and often leads to a transformation of the self.

Types of Betrayal

The most common types of betrayal include the disclosing of confidential information, disloyalty, infidelity, and dishonesty. At the least, betrayal causes shock, loss, anger, and grief; at worst, it can cause anxiety disorders and PTSD (Rachman, 2010).

Examples of betrayal:

• Discovering that your husband/wife/partner had a physical, emotional or online affair.
• Finding out that your husband/wife/partner has engaged in addictive behaviour, e.g. drug-taking, gambling, porn.
• Experiencing sexual, physical and emotional abuse at the hands of a family member or by a key relationship.
• Discovering that your friend told someone a secret that you entrusted them with.
• Finding out that your co-worker used your work as their own to elevate their status.
• When your family justifies your partner’s abusive behaviour.
• When a boss abuses their position of power and takes advantage of you.
• Failure to offer or provide support and assistance during times of physical or emotional need.

Types of Betrayal Trauma

• Institutional
• Parental
• Partner
• Interpersonal, e.g. friends.

Additionally, any of these types of betrayal trauma may be accompanied by ‘betrayal blindness’,  an unawareness or forgetting of the act of betrayal. (Freyd, 1999).  This adaptive response may be associated with betrayals not traditionally recognised as trauma, such as adultery, inequities in the workplace and society, etc. Victims may unwittingly manifest symptoms of betrayal blindness to preserve the relationships and social systems upon which they depend. (Freyd, 2021). 

Symptoms of Betrayal Trauma 

• Chronic mistrust
• Commitment issues
• Flashbacks
• Nightmares
• Hopelessness
• Dissociation
• OCD
• Emotional dysregulation
• Confusion & self-doubt
• Panic, anxiety & depression
• Irritability and rage
• Fear
• Toxic shame and guilt
• Low self-esteem
• Loss of confidence & self-worth
• Extreme exhaustion
• Withdrawal from social interactions
• Difficulty maintaining relationships

Childhood trauma and the associated betrayal can elicit symptoms that continue through adulthood and often prevent the formation of deep, intimate relationships due to past experiences. The severity of betrayal trauma is complex because it concerns not only the experience of the act of abuse but also the experience of being betrayed by a trusted person or someone the victim relies on for support and survival. Symptoms of betrayal trauma do not meet the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders 5 (DSM-5) diagnostic criteria for PTSD. However, symptoms of betrayal trauma are closely related to those of CPTSD which occurs as a result of abuse and ongoing trauma. (Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders: DSM-5-TR 2022)

Feelings and effects of betrayal such as degradation, rejection, and humiliation can be catastrophic and life-changing. Betrayal on any level causes immense emotional pain and can be incredibly isolating, but with professional help, therapy, and support, many trauma victims go on to live fulfilling lives. Trauma-informed therapy, such as that offered by the C-PTSD Foundation, helps individuals move forward in their personal and professional lives with ongoing support that promotes healing and recovery. Some individuals with extensive trauma histories may remain in therapy for years; however, recovery is possible with a trauma-informed approach and lots of determination and support.

References

• Courtois, C. A. (2019). Understanding Complex Trauma, Complex Reactions, and Treatment Approaches. Understanding complex trauma, complex reactions, and treatment approaches – Gift From Within. Retrieved from
• American Psychiatric Association. (2022). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders: Dsm-5-Tr. 
• Freyd, J. J. (1999, June). Blind to Betrayal: New Perspectives on Memory for Trauma. Retrieved from https://dynamic.uoregon.edu/jjf/articles/freyd99.pdf
• Freyd, J. J. (2021). What is a Betrayal Trauma? What is Betrayal Trauma Theory? Definition of Betrayal Trauma Theory. Retrieved from https://dynamic.uoregon.edu/jjf/defineBT.html
• Rachman, S. (2010). Betrayal: A psychological analysis. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 48(4), 304–311. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.brat.2009.12.002

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Tracy Guy

Tracy Guy is a published author and a proud guest writer for the C-PTSD Foundation. Professionally, Tracy has experience in mental health and muti-trauma nursing and is now a full-time registered counsellor working with people struggling with complex trauma, anxiety, and grief. Her passion for writing, unwavering instinct to help others, and professional and lived experience drives Tracy to support and advocate for those suffering from debilitating traumatic experiences and C-PTSD. Tracy hopes to raise understanding and awareness of C-PTSD, more specifically, the association of C-PTSD with abusive relationships.

Practice breaking contact with toxic parents in this

“Choose Your Own Adventure”-style story.

Based on events experienced by the child of a narcissistic parent.

CONGRATULATIONS! After a lifetime of narcissistic abuse, you’ve decided to draw a healthy boundary by going “No Contact” with your parents. Of course, going “No Contact” feels anything but healthy because the fear they instilled in you from birth caused a TRAUMA BOND.

TRAUMA BOND (often referred to as Stockholm Syndrome). When your abuser is also the one who consoles you and provides your basic needs, a hormone develops that confuses abuse for love.

Section 13

Jamie Donmoyer

Creative storyteller and recovering scapegoat of a narcissistic parent, working through Complex PTSD one post at a time

“Emotional abuse refers to a pattern of deliberate non-contact behaviors by a person within a critical relationship role that has the potential to be harmful to an individual’s well-being” (Stirling & Kerr, 2008, p.178). Non-contact, in this definition, is challenging to communicate with parents. The concept of emotional abuse for many parents suggests behavior that involves the coach contacting their players. The violence only occurs when a coach grabs the athlete after she gave up a home run. The fact is, however, even side comments made by a coach can change the emotional health of that athlete. Stirling et al. (2008) also point out that silence from coaches displays emotional abuse. The attention and nurture that a child requires are far greater. The dehumanization in youth sport must stop.

For a relationship between a coach and her athlete to be referred to as emotionally abusive, the following criteria must be met (Stirling & Kerr, 2008, p.178).

• Behavior from a coach that resembles spurning, terrorizing, belittling, exploiting, humiliating, or denying emotional responsiveness suggests a child experienced emotional harm.
• The pattern of emotional abuse occurs frequently.
• The behaviors occur within a critical relationship in which the coach has great influence over the athlete’s safety, trust, and fulfillment of needs.
• This relationship is like the parent-athlete relationship, in nurture and respect.
• The behaviors are deliberate: the behaviors are intentionally directed at the athlete.
• And the harmful behavior is non-contact in nature.

Coaches, first off, manipulate the coach-athlete relationship in order to gain the trust of the athlete and family. I have seen instances where coaches create a nurturing environment for the athlete and the family to ensure the family fully trusts the coach. In an instance, access continues to grow to the athlete because the SBP understands the coach-athlete relationship to be healthy and safe. If the coach goes out of his way to ensure a close connection with the family, a high level of alertness should be evoked around the nature of the relationship between the coach and the athlete. At some point, the SBP perceives the coach-athlete relationship to be private enough where they are not able to voice opinions about the nature of the behavior from the coach. SPB, therefore, be alert for warning signals given to you by your children. They may not speak much, but their silence is also a response.

Stirling et al. (2008) conducted a study where they interviewed a group of parents to look into their experience after watching their children emotionally abused. The findings are moving. In short, many parents voiced their pain and suffering after retelling their stories about the state their children were in after being emotionally abused by a coach. The parents, Stirling et al. point out, felt powerless to do anything because the coach possessed the power in the relationship; the fear the parents also had was potentially causing their child to lose their spot on the team if they did speak out against the coach. These coaches use their past success to manipulate SBPs to ensure they get complete compliance from them. The target is the child, not the parent, in the end. 

From a different angle, the child is susceptible to peer pressure. Let me explain. The child, between the ages of 6-12 (Erikson, 1958), begins to desire social acceptance from peers and non-parent adults. This is what we refer to as a critical time for relationship building. In this time, coaches begin to learn with intent that children desire acceptance from coaches and peers more than from their parents. Sadly, coaches intently take advantage of this developmental stage in children. Trust comes at a price for our kids in sport, tragically. SBP, trust yourself to make sure you know your child well enough, so she comes to you when she is hurt.

SBP, you have the complete right to pull your child out of the elite sports culture you allowed them into. Despite the pressure and negativity, you are in control of your child’s life, not their coaches. You are never to feel like you are wrong for questioning the authority of any coach, regardless of their prestigious past career success. You are never wrong for defending your child’s well-being, even though you may be wrong sometimes. Make mistakes by trying to do something rather than experiencing the pain of knowing you could have done something, in the end.

Be the voice that your children desperately need during these oppressive times in youth sport.

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Ramon Diaz

Ramon Diaz, Jr., PhD candidate: Developmental Neuropsychology, LPC, NCC, CCTS, CDBT, CADC
Clinical Complex Trauma Specialist (CCTS-1),
Certified Dialectical Behavioral Therapist (C-DBT),
Certified Alcohol & Drug Abuse Counseling (CADC)

License Number: 178.018904