Social skills help us to connect, communicate, and build stronger relationships with people.

Face-to-face communication without smartphones happens less often than it should, as technology slowly takes over our social lives.

People rely on screens for daily life.

How many ways can you think of where you use your phone instead of having a real conversation?

I think you’d be surprised at how much you use a screen–but hey, it’s 2026, and everyone is using technology these days.

You check the weather and the news first thing in the morning. Fifty years ago, people relied on the local newspaper when it eventually came to the door.

Life was much simpler (but slower) back then. People communicated to get their needs met.

Nowadays, we can order anything and have it delivered to our front door.

Want a new kitchen? Sure, you can buy everything online, provided you have all the measurements.

Fancy a takeout for dinner? No problem. Go online, pick your favorite food, and it will be delivered to your door.

I love my cell phone and, yes, I carry one wherever I go — including to work. Teachers communicate both in and outside class to keep students safe. It’s a great tool to safeguard vulnerable students who have cut class.

I’m sure you use your cell at work, too.

Talking to each other in real conversations where we voice our feelings is a skill that many ignore. In a world where everything is available at the push of a few keys, people give up far too easily.

A trauma survivor can often get lost in the system between phones and people. Sometimes it’s impossible to communicate how we feel about something, and we push it away.

Some conversations are not fit for the cell phone. They need a human touch.

Trauma survivors don’t always know how to feel, but we sure as hell (pardon my language) feel it in our bodies because our bodies absorb everything (whether we like it or not).

These “non-feelings” manifest as headaches, stomach upsets, tension, etc. The problem is that those feelings that are pushed aside will never completely go away, and they have a way of showing up when we least expect them to.

I don’t know about you, but I want to be seen for who I am. The real me. I don’t want to pretend that I’m fine when I’m not. I’m sick of pretending and staying silent.

I’m a trauma survivor, and I’m not ashamed to say it out loud. My experiences with trauma can help so many who are struggling every single day.

Do you feel the same? Do you want to be seen and heard, as well?

If you want to be seen for who you are, you need to speak up. You need to tell people how you feel — every day.

If you ignore the need to communicate how you feel, those feelings can become cooped up inside your body just like a pressure cooker uses pressure from steam to cook food.

Eventually, you need to let that “pressure” out before you burst. Otherwise, you might experience an embarrassing “oil spill” of emotions wherever you happen to be. Trust me, it always happens in the worst possible place.

Sometimes, you just need to let the “pressure out.”

I’m a trauma survivor, and even after years of therapy, I still have days when I am triggered.

Trauma triggers are everywhere, and can pop up when we least expect. They can cause havoc in our lives.

When it happens, the last thing we want to do is to talk about it. I know, this is messed up, right?

Keeping complicated feelings inside is the worst thing we can do. As a trauma survivor, I learned to keep my business to myself because I believed that no one would listen.

That is the way I saw my world as a child, and I know many survivors feel the same. It is extremely hard to get out of that learned behavior.

Everything is almost certainly NOT FINE all the time, and people should hear it. Our voices do matter.

You matter.

But if you don’t speak about how you really feel, people will never know or understand you.

In general, we are desensitized by triggering events because they happen all the time. The news is riddled with bad events, people having arguments, and general conflict.

This has become normal.

It should not be normal that our wonderful world has so much conflict, causing billions of people to live in fear and anxiety.

Yet, here we are, and survivors often get lost in the maelstrom as we move through life.

You cannot change the whole world, but you can change your immediate world–and the people you see every day–by speaking up.

All of the “every day” stressors that cause us to be triggered are like little darts being shot from all directions.

One or two darts don’t hurt that much, but more than that, and we feel definite pain. Right?

How do we break the habit of a lifetime and tell people how we feel? Good question.

Well, it is not easy to do, and my advice is to practice. Use the bathroom mirror once you have calmed down from your trigger, and say to yourself:

“I matter, and my voice matters. This is how I feel…. ‘I’m not okay.’”

Practice what you are going to say to the person who triggered you. Share something small about yourself that you might not be certain that you want them to know. I think you will be surprised at the reaction you get. Most people are clueless about how trauma affects people.

I will give you an example of how I shared something about myself that I didn’t feel comfortable sharing. Because now I’m happy that I did.

A few years ago, I worked with two colleagues who were always bickering about stuff, and sometimes, they would use colorful language. The way they spoke to each other upset me, so I told them.

“I really don’t like the way you speak to XXXX; it makes me uncomfortable.”

Both had no idea how I felt, and they made peace (at least when I was around).

One weekend, I had to speak up and tell another mom that I did not like the words she used to speak to her son at football practice, because it was upsetting to my kids and me. It made that mom think about her words, and she is now much kinder (and calmer) with her son and my ears.

A third example is when I tell people that “I am allergic to cream.” This is not exactly true, but as close to the truth as I am comfortable sharing.

I cannot eat cream without feeling physically sick to my stomach because of what happened to me as a child. I do not share those details because they are too personal. By sharing that I’m allergic to cream, people will understand that I react to it in some way–which is true.

Speaking up and telling others how you feel about something can be a game-changer.

Communication is vital for our emotional well-being. It’s not just about talking but also listening–having empathy for someone. It also includes body language.

And while we should not remain silent, it’s also important not to overshare too soon. We want to build on our conversations and grow our rapport with others step by step. We test the waters so that we know that the person we trust with a trauma trigger is going to be supportive.

Of course, how we share is as important as actually sharing. We want to stay calm during problems, whenever we encounter them. It’s much easier to solve conflicts when we are relaxed and clear-headed.

If you need a moment before you speak, then take it.

You can learn to communicate your feelings. Start small, practice and build trust.

I believe in you.

My name is Lizzy. I’m a trauma survivor, a wife, a mom, a teacher, and an author.

If you like reading my posts, then please follow me.

For more about me: www.elizabethwoodsauthor.com

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Guest Post Disclaimer: This guest post is for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing shared here, across CPTSDfoundation.org, any CPTSD Foundation website, our associated communities, or our Social Media accounts, is intended to substitute for or supersede the professional advice and direction of your medical or mental health providers. The thoughts and opinions expressed are those of the guest author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CPTSD Foundation. For further details, please review the following: Terms of Service, Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer

Elizabeth Woods

For more about me: https://www.elizabethwoodsauthor.com

Elizabeth Woods grew up in a world of brutal sex offenders, murderers, and inconceivably neglectful adults. Elizabeth is passionate about spreading awareness of what it is like to survive after trauma. She is the author of several books and has written her memoir, telling her childhood story: The Sex-Offender’s Daughter: A True Story of Survival Against All Odds, available on Amazon Kindle and paperback.

Elizabeth is also the author of “Living with Complex PTSD” and the Cedar’s Port Fiction series: “Saving Joshua”, “Protecting Sarah”, “Guarding Noah” and “Bringing Back Faith,” and “Restoring Hope,” available here: https://www.amazon.com/stores/author/B0BCBZQN7L/allbooks?ingress=0&visitId=7e223b5b-1a29-45f0-ad9d-e9c8fdb59e9c&ref_=ap_rdr&ccs_id=931f96e2-c220-4765-acc8-cc99bb95e8bd

www.elizabethwoodsauthor.com/

She hears the voice of the five-year-old shamed for being overly rambunctious, the 12-year-old who struggles to make friends, the 16-year-old who actively fantasizes about death, the 22-year-old who has no idea what to “do with her life,” the 30-year-old who is too depressed to get out of bed, the 35-year-old mother who can’t seem to find joy in every moment of motherhood, the 41-year-old who erupts into tears during a dental procedure, and on and on. They all chime in.

This person in the mirror itemizes every mistake that she has made throughout her life. She criticizes her inability to form and maintain deep relationships. She nitpicks her physical “shortcomings” and catalogs all the ways she is simultaneously “too much” and “not enough.” Unable to answer the question, she carries these shackles of self-deprecation as “proof” of all that is “wrong” with her.

A part of me, however, stands beside her and sees a survivor. I see that there is nothing wrong with her, but rather the situations she faced. I see a five-year-old child who was just being a kid, her noise and frenetic energy not compatible with my young mother’s exhausted and overwhelmed nervous system. I see a 12-year-old entering my third school in as many years, not seeing a point in making new friends. Besides, I was pretty sure my “peers” couldn’t relate to a parent almost intentionally killing them during the first week of school. I see a 16-year-old hunted by a predator in my own home.

As if that wasn’t enough, that year I felt survivor’s guilt for being able to walk while my then-boyfriend lay hospitalized after becoming paralyzed in a car accident months earlier. I see a 22-year-old who, against all odds, graduated from college but didn’t feel “worthy” of a “real job” or healthy relationships. How could I possibly have known what to do, how to be, in those “normal” contexts?

I tried to be “normal,” but couldn’t define it, and only now do I understand that it is because “normal” doesn’t exist.

I didn’t understand it then, though…I only saw someone who felt “wrong.” It would be another decade before I saw beyond the flaws. Within that old lens, I see a 30-year-old who still didn’t know “what to do with my life.” My shame around this only grew under the unforgiving lens of my mother’s criticism, which she unloaded all at once in an argument. Under the influence of a substantial amount of alcohol, she held nothing back in her assessment of all the ways I’d failed.

Apparently, I have crappy taste in men, and my recent attempt to prove my worth by earning another degree had backfired. Mom berated me for supposedly thinking I’m “smarter than everyone.” I didn’t think that, but her words momentarily stole my will to participate in life, which, according to her, I was failing anyway.

A half-decade later, I see an overwhelmed 35-year-old mother of a one-year-old. They say it takes a village to raise a child; unfortunately, that didn’t apply to me in my mid-thirties because help didn’t exist in places where one might expect it, and I simply didn’t know how to ask for it. That word wasn’t in my vocabulary. Little did I know, I would have one more child, and I was only in the dawn of the exhaustion that is now second-nature. It would be another seven years before I had my first and only 48-hour break from motherhood.

The overwhelm and fatigue, along with an overpowering love for my children, is what finally encouraged me to make some changes in my early 40s. Those changes came with some stark realizations and interesting experiences, like having a breakdown in a dental chair at 41 years old when I couldn’t hold my crap together for another second. As my startled dentist tried to soothe his suddenly sobbing middle-aged patient, I asked myself the same question I always ask myself: “What is wrong with you?” (Sometimes I use other words like “Why am I like this?” and “Would the world be better off without me in it?”)

The problem is, all this time, no matter how I phrased it, I’ve been asking myself the wrong question. There’s nothing “wrong” with me. There’s plenty wrong with the circumstances I’ve faced. The real question should have been, “What is happening to and around you to make you feel this way?”

That question, however, was not written into the original script. Five-year-olds who grow up in healthy, supportive environments don’t ask themselves, “What’s wrong with me?” Ironically, those words often first come from the person or people responsible for providing a supportive and secure environment for that child. Having failed to do that and instead of taking responsibility for their shortcomings, these people sometimes direct the blame to the child.

Over time, their voice(s) mingle with ours, and the question that should have never been asked imprisons us in insecurity. We find ways to justify the question. We stockpile our “failures” and can give you a grand tour of places we went wrong. It’s easy to showcase our faults.

What happens if we turn that logic outward? Think about someone you love. Imagine them internalizing the message that something is wrong with them. How do you feel? This piece, inspired by someone dear to me, was born in my anger at her being held prisoner by the very words that are as present in my head as stars in a night sky. Her self-defacing mantra was also planted by a parent and then reinforced by her own inner voices for decades. I look at her and see bravery, humility, and strength. I don’t see anything “wrong” with her. Instead, my focus narrowed to a person I’ve never met. A part of me fought the urge to deliver an unsolicited, unfiltered piece of my mind to her mother.

How dare she say something so awful to this person who brings so much light to the world? I wrestled with how I could remove the sting of these words from my friend’s heart. How could I possibly convince her that there is nothing wrong with her? How could she believe something so ridiculous about herself?

And then…I silently acknowledged that I’d swallowed the same poison. It was not until I heard those words within the context of a loved one’s internal narrative that I so blatantly questioned them in myself. I, too, had been asked that question by my mother. I, too, believed that since she asked the question (repeatedly), there must surely be something “wrong” with me. I have spent much of my life searching for the answer to that question. I’ve identified a slew of potential candidates, but nothing has felt solidly “right.”

Well…at 43 years old, I finally found the answer to the question “What is wrong with you?” Ready for it? It’s a real nail-biter.

Here it is: not a damn thing. Do I have flaws? Areas for improvement? Weaknesses? Yes, of course. We all do. But there’s nothing “wrong” with me. It is “wrong” that my mother ever demanded an answer to such a ridiculous question. It would be easy to get angry at her the way I did at my friend’s mother. In thinking about it, however, I suspect that they, too, have stood in front of mirrors and asked: “What’s wrong with you?”

Likely, long ago, someone carelessly hurled that very question at them. I think asking that question of another person is a sign of something unbalanced or emotional malnourishment within. I feel compassion for anyone who has asked this question of another, for I know it is born in insecurity.

That’s not to say that I’m not mad. This ridiculous question made my blood boil when my friend acknowledged it as an internal mantra. When I internally admitted that I shared this mantra, I decided I’m not buying it anymore. The fact that these words live within me only renews my commitment to healing. I will not ask this question of my children, and I will do my very best to ensure that their environment does not create inner chaos.

Furthermore, though this question can sweep in at the drop of a hat for me, I will be conscious of its roots. I will rephrase the question. Instead of demanding to know what is wrong with me, I will ask myself what was wrong with the circumstances that created these feelings.

So many of us have been asked this question that shouldn’t be asked. Even worse, it has often been asked by the people we looked to for love. Instead of searching for answers we will never find, let’s reframe the question and consider who asked it and why. When we consider the source and motivation for this question and reword it to explore what was wrong with what we faced, we infuse it with what was missing all along: compassion. There was never anything wrong with us.

We simply did our best to handle things we shouldn’t have had to experience. It’s time to stop trying to answer the question that should not have been asked. So, if you, too, have been asked this ridiculous question, please remind yourself that you finally found the answer: not a damn thing.

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Heather Jurvelin

Finally feeling truly alive for the first time in my life, I am writing from a place of gradual healing with an eye to the future and a hope of connecting with others on similar paths. Forced to withhold a tsunami of emotions deemed irrelevant under the roof of my childhood “home,” the blank white pages of my notebooks invited my raw reflections without judgment. Writing allowed me to free the burdens of my soul, but at some point, I muzzled myself. My pen lay dormant for years until, at 41 years old, I experienced a traumatic flashback during an everyday activity that shook me to the core. Five days later, I started writing about the things I had long withheld. I couldn’t stop. Written words have once again become my refuge. I now recognize that these words, resurrected from the ashes of my pain, may have the power to help others. Above all, I want to magnify and share the messages that I have most treasured on my journey: we are not alone and we don’t ever have to go back. This is where we live now and the future is ours.

My father finally died a few months ago. Survivors will understand the word finally. I thought he would never die. Billy Joel’s song “Only the Good Die Young” was certainly true in this situation. I had gone no contact about seven years before, but the shadow of power this man wielded over my life continued, whether I was in contact with him or not. I even moved all the way across the country to put space between me and him. Space between the present and the past. The constructed reality he demanded everyone agree with, the dominating presence where no voice save his was heard, the judgmental pronouncements of doom and gloom over your life, the complete lack of understanding or empathy. These were just a few of the ways his brainwashing impacted me. 

These were just a few of the ways his brainwashing impacted me. 

And when he died, instead of the relief I felt at my mother’s passing, a terrible door that had been shut for over sixty years was opened. The parts of me from childhood that had split off and carried the load felt free to come forward, and it was hard. Hard to face them, hard to talk to them, and hard to become an ally to them instead of an enemy. 

There are no words to describe the damage and loss that occur when your parents choose the path of narcissism. To their very grave, my parents never had the slightest inkling of self-awareness or took any personal responsibility. In fact, my sibling and I were “disinherited.” The old threat to keep me within my father’s orbit finally came true. For me, I could understand it; I walked away years ago. But for my sibling who provided for my father financially and took care of his ex-wife, our mother, who otherwise would have been homeless, it was a low blow. Yet again, the narcissist showed his true colors. It did not matter what you did for the man; he did not know how to do anything other than hurt us. His final message? “You are worthless.” 

But I survived, and guess what? My father was wrong. It took everything I had to slog through the twisted spider web of lies he had spun. I spent decades trying to understand, reaching toward the truth that seemed to dissipate into mist at the slightest stress. To quiet the dissonance in my mind, heart, and soul. I used every technique and read every book I could get my hands on, but you know what? I made it. I have written a new chapter, established new relationships, and I walk in truth. What does the Bible say? The truth will set you free? Yep, that’s what it says. I can wonder at the joy in life, pursue dreams and goals I never thought reachable, and more than anything else, I can finish well, leaving a legacy of peace, encouragement, and kindness to my children. 

I pity my mother and father. They never knew how wonderful life could be. It is still hard sometimes, I suppose I will always bear the scars to a certain degree, but I made it. I made it out, and I am so thankful I did not give up. Defy trauma, embrace joy. It is worth it.

If you are interested in my newsletter or reading more content like this, please go to:

https://rebekahlaynebrown.com

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Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Rebekah Brown

Rebekah Brown, a native of the south, now resides in the Great American West. Surviving a complicated and abusive family system makes her unique writing style insightful as well as uplifting. Rebekah is the proud mother of two and grandmother of four.

I had a weird tension in me about it

Like other techniques, we also employ the idea of a “safe place,” where he helps me anchor into safety before we do any deep work or regressions. I have always used the same safe place since I have been seeing Dr. Gabe: the beach in front of my grandma’s house, now our second home. As we began chatting at the beginning of the last session, I realized I was feeling a little hesitant about “going to my safe place” because, in reality, this was where I had broken my wrist a few weeks prior, and I had a weird tension in me about it.

So, all the things we normally do and go through to work through deep-seated trauma from the past, we went through the same process on the trauma of breaking my wrist. That was our starting point. First, I re-experienced the crack of my bone that I heard and the onset of the fear I experienced. I was scared and alone and had no way back up the small cliff I had descended to the rocky shore. (I am quite good in emergencies, and this was no exception. I simply trespassed onto a neighbor’s property, used their private staircase, and thanked them later for using it.  They have offered for me to use their stairs down any time I need to since I won’t be going down or up on the climbing rope for a while at least. It’s when the emergency subsides, and the adrenaline rush crashes that emotion tends to overwhelm me, and I cry and shake and get embarrassed at my reactions.)

As we followed my subconscious, it led me to the scene in my home when the ambulance arrived.  Fire truck, too. There must have been 15 people all congregating around me. People were sticking my veins for an IV and missing. Pandemonium. My parents happened to have just arrived at our home because we were all going out to dinner. When I called my husband, John, and told him I had broken my wrist and was coming up the neighbor’s stairs, my parents were already there. I was still somewhat in shock, and the pain was amplifying exponentially from moment to moment. I just needed a minute to process everything. I wanted to see my husband, hug him, and figure out the best thing to do. I was still evaluating how badly I had been hurt. My dad took over and called the ambulance without my knowledge or approval; he just did it. Ultimately, I am glad I went to the ER that night and that I did so in an ambulance, where they were able to administer pain medication during the hour-long drive to the hospital. But all of a sudden, I saw the pattern clearly of how my father always made “executive decisions,” as he sometimes called them, and put situations in front of me where he had already made a decision and effectively removed the element of my own choice from me. Over and over from a young age until it seemed normal.

But I have a voice today. Sometimes, I still have to speak up forcefully to get my dad back in check, and I do know he means well and cares – and I am truly grateful for that. But it was ultimately nice to recognize how pervasive that pattern had been in my life and how and why it has taken me a lifetime to speak up for myself and make my own best decisions. It still amazes me how we think that trauma is about one particular thing, and then we do the work and find all these other things mixed in and attached in ways we hadn’t ever even realized before.

And my safe place is safe again.

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Adina Lynn LeCompte

Adina Lynn LeCompte is a sixth-generation Californian. After having lived in varying parts of the US and abroad in Florence, Italy, she has come home to roost, splitting her time between the Central Coast and the Foothills of Yosemite. She holds her Bachelors of Arts from UCLA (Language & Linguistics), her Master of Arts from Middlebury College School Abroad / Universita’ di Firenze (Language & Literature), and studied 4 years in the MDiv program at Naropa University in Boulder, Colorado. Over the years, she founded several successful local businesses and worked as an interfaith hospital and hospice chaplain.

Adina is a working writer, an award-winning poet, and is working on her upcoming book “Spilling Ink: Write Your Way Into Healing”. Additionally, she has designed an interactive transformative workshop by the same name that uses writing as a tool for healing from trauma, especially abuse and grief. She is also co-author of several compilations of poetry with her husband, John LeCompte, who is also a writer. (“With These Words, I Thee Wed: Love Poetry” was published in 2023.)

Her most recent exciting endeavor is being a part of the Bay Path Univeristy’s MFA program in Creative Nonfiction, with an emphasis in Narrative Medicine.

writeyourwayintohealing.com

Curious visitors come by the thousands to witness with their own eyes what a 5.5-ton golden miracle looks like, pondering the weight of what it means in their own lives

The story of the Golden Buddha is thought to have begun around the 13th century CE, during the Sukhothai period of Thai history, an era during which experts believe the statue was first built. They also theorize that under the Ayutthaya empire, when faced with a Burmese invasion in 1767, monks covered the statue with stucco and colored glass, thus disguising it as an ordinary statue made of cheap materials to save it from destruction. The Burmese-Siamese War led to the fall of the Ayutthaya empire and the statue was removed from its original location. Fast forward centuries later when in 1955, during one of its relocations, the statue was accidentally dropped, causing some plaster to chip off, revealing a glimmering sliver of its golden core. Upon closer inspection, it was discovered that the statue was made out of solid gold! 

The true story of the Golden Buddha reminds us of the hidden treasures that lie beneath the protective boundaries we’ve had to create to ensure our survival. Complex trauma survivors naturally self-protect in many ways, and as we grow and walk along our healing path, at our own pace, our self-protective tools evolve along with us, highlighting our resourcefulness, our grit, and our bravery. Our resilience turns to growth, our growth into more healing. Eventually, our survival gives way to thrive, and as we pass it on and pass on our legacy.

As survivors of complex trauma, we have the potential to transform our pain into sources of wisdom, compassion, and growth, and in doing so, to emerge stronger and more resilient than ever before. We can choose to learn what true peace and freedom feel like within our bodies and hearts, often for the first time. No one wishes trauma upon themselves, any more than we would a cancer or an addiction, which some of us also have. What happened to us and what we did as a result cannot ever be undone, yet healing work can bring us to a place within ourselves where we finally become able to recover and thrive, from the inside out, and that is worth its weight in gold many times over. 

As a Certified Childhood & Sexual Trauma Recovery Coach™ and Clinical EFT Practitioner, I often use the power of metaphors as a healing tool, like my previous post about domino effect science. Along with symbols, images, and somatic responses, metaphors are – unlike words – our subconscious’s native language, a missing link to trauma recovery, post-traumatic growth, and sustainable healing. At its core, the story of the Golden Buddha is a tale of survival, resilience, justice, and overcoming all odds. It is also a tale of patience, nurture, and longevity. A metaphor about never giving up, no matter what, in the face of extreme adversity.

What does the story of the Golden Buddha mean to you?

Hidden Treasure

Just as the Golden Buddha was covered in layers of plaster and mud for 200 years – almost 2,500 years after the death of Siddhartha Gautama – complex trauma survivors have had to develop defense and coping mechanisms to bury unbearable pain and protect themselves from further harm and reinjury, sometimes for most of their lives. These layers can manifest as dissociation or chronic avoidance of emotions or memories associated with our traumas.

Overcoming

Despite its disguise, the Golden Buddha remained intact and authentic at its core for centuries, until it was safe for it to become exposed to the light and shine again. Complex trauma survivors possess incredible resilience, inner strength, and resources, which we can learn to tap into and draw upon on our healing journey to overcome adversity and reclaim our lives.

Self-Discovery

Similarly to how the chipping away of the plaster revealed the glorious gold underneath, the journey to recovery from complex trauma involves gradually uncovering and rediscovering one’s authentic Self. This process may involve trauma recovery coaching or therapy, self-reflection, self-expression, connection, and the courage to feel painful emotions that have been buried for years, even decades.

Transformation

As survivors of complex trauma, we have the potential to transform our pain into sources of wisdom, compassion, and growth, and in doing so, to emerge stronger and more resilient than ever before. We can choose to learn what true peace and freedom feel like within our bodies and hearts, often for the first time. No one wishes trauma upon themselves, any more than we would a cancer or an addiction, which some of us also have. What happened to us and what we did as a result cannot ever be undone, yet healing work can bring us to a place within ourselves where we finally become able to recover and thrive, from the inside out, and that is worth its weight in gold many times over. 

Beneath the layers of pain and suffering lies our essence, our authentic Self: Resilient, precious, untouched, worthy of unconditional love.

It is likely that I will never get to Wat Traimit in my lifetime. In fact, many of us never will either. Still, the Golden Buddha story offers us real hope and inspiration as we heal from complex trauma, reminding us all that beneath the layers of pain and suffering lies our essence, our authentic Self: resilient, precious, untouched, worthy of unconditional love.

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Sophie Gourdon, M.Ed, MA, CTRC, CHt

As the Founder of Little Wave Coaching, LLC, Sophie walks alongside complex trauma survivors, helping them recover and thrive beyond trauma to live more connected, meaningful, authentic lives. She is a Somatic IFS-Informed Certified Trauma Recovery Coach, Certified Clinical Emotional Freedom Techniques practitioner, and Certified Consulting Hypnotist. She is also a complex, childhood, and sexual trauma overcomer. She offers evidence-based coaching to survivors seeking to overcome their anxiety, overwhelm, cravings, chronic pain, complex, childhood, or sexual trauma. Littlewavecoaching.com is a comprehensive self-healing resource welcoming and supporting all complex trauma survivors seeking recovery. It is packed with psychoeducation about somatic tools like Emotional Freedom Techniques, Tapping, IFS/Parts Work, Solution-Driven Hypnosis, and Brain Rewiring, as well as hundreds of resources (e.g. 130+ videos, 50+ books, 80+ calm kit tools & more).

www.littlewavecoaching.com

Life is a series of dominoes—each experience triggering the next, creating a chain reaction that shapes our journey

For those navigating the path of healing from complex trauma, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed by the weight of past experiences. But within this very sequence lies a profound lesson: the domino effect can be harnessed as a force for resilience and transformation.

Healing from complex trauma is not a linear process; it’s a journey with many twists and turns, setbacks and triumphs. Like a domino setup, it may seem that one fall could cause the collapse of the entire structure. But what if we reframed our perspective? What if, instead of fearing the falling dominoes, we embraced the potential they hold?

The first step in this journey is acknowledging your strengths, no matter how small, because our strengths are the resources we can use to build from. You’ve endured and survived. That resilience is the cornerstone upon which you build your path to healing. Each domino represents a step forward—a trauma recovery coaching session, a moment of self-reflection, a meditation, a prayer, the decision to confront a particular fear, a day, or even just an hour or a minute where you can choose self-care over self-doubt.

Often, we underestimate the power of small actions. Imagine each action as a domino, poised to tip the next one. A kind word to yourself or seeking support from a friend or an online support group—these seemingly small actions set off a chain reaction. They create momentum, gradually shifting the trajectory of your healing journey.

There will be many moments when you feel stuck, when progress seems halted, to be sure. So it’s crucial to remember that just as a chain reaction slows at times, it doesn’t mean it’s stopped. It only takes one domino to restart the cascade—a moment of insight, a breakthrough with your coach, or a newfound coping mechanism. These moments reignite the domino effect, propelling you forward once again.

Healing from complex trauma requires patience and understanding. Be gentle with yourself at your current ability level, when the road feels arduous. Remember, it’s okay to rest. Even in rest, as you catch your breath, the dominoes are still in place, ready to move when you’re rejuvenated and prepared to continue.

Community and support are pillars of strength. Surround yourself with individuals who uplift and encourage your journey. Share your story (only what feels ok and safe to share), and connect with others who have walked similar paths. In doing so, you create a network of interconnected dominoes, each supporting the other, amplifying the power of collective resilience.

As the dominoes fall, each one symbolizes progress—a testament to your courage and determination. Embrace the idea that healing is not about erasing the past but about finding peace from it. Your wounds turn into scars and your scars tell stories of your survival, resilience, and eventual triumph.

IT’S NOT MAGIC, IT’S SCIENCE:

WHAT EXPONENTIAL GROWTH TRULY LOOKS LIKE 

Imagine this: a single domino can topple another, and that one, in turn, can set off a chain reaction. This simple idea embodies the science of the domino effect—an illustration of how small actions can lead to massive results. The “magic” lies in the exponential growth inherent in this phenomenon: When a domino falls, it can knock over another domino that’s about 1.5 times larger. This seemingly minor increase in size results in a progressively greater force. After just 23 dominoes, the last one would be as tall as the Empire State Building. And with only a few more, those dominoes could stretch all the way to the moon!

This scientific principle mirrors the journey of recovering from complex trauma. Initially, taking those first small steps might not seem significant, but each action creates a ripple effect, setting off a sequence of events that gain momentum over time.

So, as you embark on your trauma recovery journey, remember the power of the domino effect. Every small step forward is like toppling a domino, setting in motion a chain reaction of healing. Embrace the compounding effect of these actions, knowing that they have the potential to create a monumental shift in your life.

1st Domino:

The size of a standard domino is roughly about 2 inches by 1 inch (5 cm by 2.5 cm).

5th Domino:

Comparable to a smartphone, measuring approximately 5.5 inches by 2.75 inches (14 cm by 7 cm).

10th Domino:

Roughly the size of a standard laptop, around 15 inches by 9.5 inches (38 cm by 24 cm).

20th Domino:

Similar in size to a small flat-screen TV, approximately 1.05 meters by 41 inches by 20 inches (0.52 meters).

23rd Domino:

Reaching the height of an average adult, standing at about 5 feet 7 inches tall (1.70 meter).

26th Domino:

Towering to the height of a two-story house, at approximately 14 feet 5 inches (4.39 meters).

29th Domino:

Standing at approximately 1,454 feet (443.2 meters) tall, the height of the Empire State Building.

50th Domino:

Using the initial domino as a reference (approximately 2 inches or 5 cm tall), it would take around 50 iterations of the 1.5 times growth to achieve a height capable of reaching the moon. So, after merely getting to the 50th domino in the sequence, with the exponential growth continuing, you could literally reach or even surpass the distance to the moon (238,855 miles or 384,400 kms from Earth)!

This staggering illustration showcases the incredible power of exponential growth in the domino effect, and the astonishing progression in size as the dominoes continue to fall. From the small scale of handheld objects to human-sized and even architectural and astronomical proportions, this sequence illustrates the tremendous impact that the cumulative effect of small actions can have as we take one step back, then one small step forward, and then another, and another, on our brave journey towards trauma recovery. In the face of daunting challenges, you may not always be able to see it, yet it is a scientific fact that every small action sets off a chain reaction, capable of monumental outcomes.

WHAT’S THE POINT?

Within the simple fall of a domino lies a profound lesson—the power of resilience and the potential of incremental progress. Each step forward, no matter how seemingly small, contributes to the exponential chain reaction of your growth and transformation.

As you bravely navigate the journey of healing from complex trauma, remember the wisdom of the domino effect and trust the resilience within you because as a survivor, you have indeed survived 100% of everything you have had to endure to get to this very blog post today.

Embrace your process, with all its highs and lows, knowing that your actions, each one akin to toppling a domino, carry within them the potential for monumental transformation, in the same way that the humble acorn carries within its tiny, hardened shell, the promise of a mighty oak.

ARE YOU READY TO RECOVER WITH THE SUPPORT OF

A CERTIFIED COMPLEX TRAUMA RECOVERY COACH? 

BOOK A FREE 45-MINUTE DISCOVERY CALL WITH ME!

[contact-form][contact-field label=”Name” type=”name” required=”true” /][contact-field label=”Email” type=”email” required=”true” /][contact-field label=”Website” type=”url” /][contact-field label=”Message” type=”textarea” /][/contact-form]

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Sophie Gourdon, M.Ed, MA, CTRC, CHt

As the Founder of Little Wave Coaching, LLC, Sophie walks alongside complex trauma survivors, helping them recover and thrive beyond trauma to live more connected, meaningful, authentic lives. She is a Somatic IFS-Informed Certified Trauma Recovery Coach, Certified Clinical Emotional Freedom Techniques practitioner, and Certified Consulting Hypnotist. She is also a complex, childhood, and sexual trauma overcomer. She offers evidence-based coaching to survivors seeking to overcome their anxiety, overwhelm, cravings, chronic pain, complex, childhood, or sexual trauma. Littlewavecoaching.com is a comprehensive self-healing resource welcoming and supporting all complex trauma survivors seeking recovery. It is packed with psychoeducation about somatic tools like Emotional Freedom Techniques, Tapping, IFS/Parts Work, Solution-Driven Hypnosis, and Brain Rewiring, as well as hundreds of resources (e.g. 130+ videos, 50+ books, 80+ calm kit tools & more).

www.littlewavecoaching.com

This article will focus on core beliefs and how they influence our lives.

What are Core Beliefs?

Core beliefs are those thoughts and beliefs about us that help us understand the world around us. Our core beliefs influence many aspects of our lives, including our self-image, career aspirations, personality, mental health, sense of right and wrong, and self-acceptance.

Most of our core beliefs form in childhood, and our childhood experiences change how we see ourselves and interact with our world. Core beliefs often lead to cognitive distortions that are inaccurate views of reality.

Core beliefs impact every part of our lives, including our career paths, and are most often unconscious. These beliefs shape who we are and are both positive and negative. Some examples of core beliefs include the following:

• I deserve attention.
• I deserve love.
• If others criticize me, they must be bad people.
• I’m superior to others.
• I am above the laws and rules of society.
• People don’t understand me.
• I must excel

Negative core beliefs significantly impact how we see ourselves as well as our self-acceptance, self-worth, and self-esteem. Furthermore, our core beliefs greatly influence us in that they determine how we see ourselves and others.

Where Do Core Beliefs Originate?

We are not born with core beliefs; instead, they are learned. Our personal core beliefs develop through life experiences beginning in childhood and continue to develop throughout our life span.

The strange thing about core beliefs is that any information contradicting them is often ignored. We base our core beliefs on several sources, including:

• Family dynamics while we were growing up
• What we hear in the media
• The quality and number of our peers
• Our thinking processes about our experiences
• Observations we make of other people
• Advice we receive from others

Unfortunately, core beliefs can also be based on adverse childhood experiences and the resulting attachment styles. We may believe different things about ourselves related to the trauma (abuse or neglect) we faced in childhood.

Because adverse childhood experiences often alter core beliefs, many who have a wide range of these experiences often have complex post-traumatic stress disorder as well.

Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and Negative Core Beliefs

One of the core features of complex post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD) is the loss of positive core beliefs. This loss can lead to distrust, shame, guilt, and alienation from other people.

People with CPTSD view themselves negatively and the world as a hazardous and complicated place. Too often, people who have both CPTSD and negative core beliefs struggle to form and maintain healthy relationships and experience abandonment and abuse that echoes what they knew as children.

Although we cannot avoid having negative core beliefs, there are things we can do to change them and have a more positive outlook about ourselves.

Recognizing Negative Core Beliefs

The first step in changing your core beliefs is understanding what they are and naming them. The way to identify your core beliefs is to do some radical self-reflection and introspection.

Take a hard look at how you feel about the world and yourself. Attention to recurring patterns in your thoughts, behaviors, and emotions is critical. Pay attention to your thoughts that make you feel unsafe, disconnected, or hopeless.

You may be experiencing bouts of self-sabotage, avoidance of others, perfectionism, and people-pleasing (fawning). While you might recognize your negative and positive core beliefs, many people who have worked through their negative thoughts about themselves recommend you seek the help of a mental health professional, as they can help you see yourself more clearly and work things out better.

Replacing Core Beliefs

Although core beliefs are engrained in our being, they are not unchangeable. One can take many paths to change core values, which involve performing emotional work, which takes time.

Psychotherapy allows one to examine oneself in a neutral environment, and the therapist acts as a seeing-eye dog, leading you through the turns and curves involved in getting to know yourself.

In therapy, you may begin to examine how negative core beliefs affect your life, your thinking processes, and your opportunities for advancement. It isn’t easy to move forward with any positive life goals if you believe deep down that you do not deserve them.

To replace harmful core beliefs, you need a plan to allow you to know what a negative core belief is and what to do when one hits you. Remind yourself that negative thought patterns are not productive and instead are highly destructive to your life.

In addition to seeing a counselor, journaling can help you recognize your progress and bring to light any hidden negative beliefs you still harbor.

Ending Our Time Together

Everyone inevitably has at least one negative core belief, as no one’s life at home in childhood was perfect. Also, negative thoughts about oneself are normal if they do not change the trajectory of your life.

I understand negative core beliefs. I was full of negative thoughts about myself when I entered therapy thirty years ago. I thought I was weak and to blame for the abuse I endured when I was a child.

It took a mental health professional who was willing to be patient with me and teach me what to look out for in my thinking. Once I recognized my biased opinions against myself, I could work through them individually and put them to rest.

I will not say that I do not harbor negative core beliefs today, as I am still a bit of a people-pleaser, but I live today free from the baggage I once carried.

I wish to invite you today to examine yourself. Do you feel your life is going nowhere and that you are lost? It is time to look hard at your core beliefs, overcome them, and make a better future for yourself.

Remember, no one owns your future but you.

“Our enemy within is our Core Negative Beliefs. Negative beliefs hide from the Consciousness, and they get exposed by the Magic of Mindfulness and Awareness. Explore Your Core Beliefs, Challenge Existing Beliefs, Train Mindfulness, Understand Beauty, Work with Emptiness, Meditate.” ― Natasa Pantovic Nuit

Pride

CPTSD Foundation wishes to invite you to our Pride Program, offered weekly on Circle. In Pride, we discuss important topics related to complex trauma and how it has affected our lives. The program is led by a fantastic person who understands the issues facing the LGBTQIA+ community.

Come as you are, take what you like, and leave the rest.

The program is offered every Thursday at 7 pm Eastern time through the Circle app. If you are interested, you can find information here. If you are interested, don’t hesitate to contact the support team of CPTSD Foundation and sign up.

We look forward to seeing you there.

Trauma-Informed Partner Support

Since CPTSD Foundation began, we’ve understood the critical role that supportive partners play in the life of a trauma survivor. Spouses, partners, caregivers, siblings, and anyone who is directly involved in the daily life of an adult survivor of complex trauma.

This program provides that safe place of encouragement, support, information, and validation that supportive partners and helpers need. You are safe here, among others who understand the challenges of helping a survivor navigate daily life.

To learn more about this unique program that focuses on encouraging and equipping you, the supportive partner, as you help care not only for the survivor in your life but also for yourself, please get in touch with us by using our contact page.

Shirley Davis

My name is Shirley Davis and I am a freelance writer with over 40-years- experience writing short stories and poetry. Living as I do among the corn and bean fields of Illinois (USA), working from home using the Internet has become the best way to communicate with the world. My interests are wide and varied. I love any kind of science and read several research papers per week to satisfy my curiosity. I have earned an Associate Degree in Psychology and enjoy writing books on the subjects that most interest me.

www.learnaboutdid.com

I recommend that anyone who experiences flashbacks has loved ones who experience flashbacks or treats people with flashbacks, reads this chapter.

What Happens in the Brain During Flashbacks

“Harvard Medical School was and is at the forefront of the neuroscience revolution, and in 1994 a young psychiatrist, Scott Rauch, was appointed as the first director of the Massachusetts General Hospital Neuroimaging Laboratory. After considering the most relevant questions that this new technology could answer and reading some articles I had written, Scott asked me whether I thought we could study what happens in the brains of people who have flashbacks.”

“The Body Keeps the Score: Mind, Brain and Body in the Transformation of Trauma” by Bessel van der Kolk

After some of van der Kolk’s patients had told him about their flashbacks and “how upsetting it was to be suddenly hijacked by images, feelings, and sounds from the past,” he and his research team took brain scans of people while they were experiencing a flashback. And compared them to brain scans of the same people when they were feeling safe.

This research was done at Harvard Medical School. Their programs and research when it comes to neurobiology and the brain are hailed world-wide.

The Limbic Area & the Amygdala

“Our study clearly showed that when traumatized people are presented with images, sounds, or thoughts related to their particular experience, the amygdala reacts with alarm—even […] years after the event. Activation of this fear center triggers the cascade of stress hormones and nerve impulses that drive up blood pressure, heart rate, and oxygen intake—preparing the body for fight or flight.”

“The Body Keeps the Score: Mind, Brain and Body in the Transformation of Trauma” by Bessel van der Kolk

The limbic area is what is known as the emotional brain. It’s an area that is activated by intense emotion. Within this area is also the amygdala. The area of the brain that “warn[s] us of impending danger and to activate the body’s stress response.”

Broca’s area – The Speech Center

“Our most surprising finding was a white spot in the left frontal lobe of the cortex, in a region called Broca’s area. In this case the change in color meant that there was a significant decrease in that part of the brain. Broca’s area is one of the speech centers of the brain, which is often affected in stroke patients when the blood supply to that region is cut off. Without a functioning Broca’s area, you cannot put your thoughts and feelings into words. Our scans showed that Broca’s area went offline whenever a flashback was triggered. In other words, we had visual proof that the effects of trauma are not necessarily different from—and can overlap with—the effects of physical lesions like strokes.”

“The Body Keeps the Score: Mind, Brain and Body in the Transformation of Trauma” by Bessel van der Kolk

I clearly remember sitting next to a therapist in the passenger seat of his car as part of exposure therapy. I was experiencing a terrible flashback. All he did was constantly ask me to tell him what was going on. I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t put it into words. His frustration grew until he finally said “if you won’t talk to me, I can’t help you.” These words haunt me to this day.

Later, when I tried to explain to him what happened, he completely dismissed me and that I couldn’t speak at that time. It was all me. I was refusing to cooperate, so there was no point in treating me.

Brodman’s Area 19 – The Visual Cortex

“When words fail, haunting images capture the experience and return as nightmares and flashbacks. In contrast to the deactivation of Broca’s area, another region, Brodmann’s area 19, lit up in our participants. This is a region in the visual cortex that registers images when they first enter the brain. We were surprised to see brain activation in this area so long after the original experience of the trauma. Under ordinary conditions raw images registered in area 19 are rapidly diffused to other brain areas that interpret the meaning of what has been seen. Once again, we were witnessing a brain region rekindled as if the trauma were actually occurring.”

“The Body Keeps the Score: Mind, Brain and Body in the Transformation of Trauma” by Bessel van der Kolk

I have no words to accurately describe this. I usually wake up every few hours from nightmares. It’s been like this for more than 8 years now. The frequency of my flashbacks has diminished, but a few years ago they were almost constant.

It’s terrifying. A tiny part of me knows that what I’m re-experiencing is in the past. But that doesn’t help in stopping the flashback from overwhelming me in the here and now.

Deactivation of the Left Side of the Brain During a Flashback

“[…] our scans clearly showed that images of past trauma activate the right hemisphere of the brain and deactivate the left.”

“The Body Keeps the Score: Mind, Brain and Body in the Transformation of Trauma” by Bessel van der Kolk

I think this part affected me the most. I cannot begin to express the feeling of absolute loss of rationality during a flashback. To now realize that half of my brain is deactivated during flashbacks is still hard. Rationally I understand, but my body, my feelings scream in denial. It’s a war. In my core I don’t want to accept this. Even if my brain knows perfectly well that it’s based on research. They’re facts.

“Deactivation of the left hemisphere has a direct impact on the capacity to organize experience into logical sequences and to translate our shifting feelings and perceptions into words. (Broca’s area, which blacks out during flashbacks, is on the left side.) Without sequencing we can’t identify cause and effect, grasp the long-term effects of our actions, or create coherent plans for the future. People who are very upset sometimes say they are “losing their minds.” In technical terms they are experiencing the loss of executive functioning.”

“The Body Keeps the Score: Mind, Brain and Body in the Transformation of Trauma” by Bessel van der Kolk

When I’m not in a flashback, I am perfectly capable of logic and reasoning, and I can easily put perceptions into words. When I’m triggered, I lose this ability. Yet my environment expects me to still be able to do what I can’t. And honestly, I expect it of myself too. Asking my environment to lower their expectations of me has proven impossible. But I can lower my own expectations of myself.

Denial: the Silent Killer

“We now know that there is another possible response to threat, which our scans aren’t yet capable of measuring. Some people simply go into denial: Their bodies register the threat, but their conscious minds go on as if nothing has happened. However, even though the mind may learn to ignore the messages from the emotional brain, the alarm signals don’t stop. The emotional brain keeps working, and stress hormones keep sending signals to the muscles to tense for action or immobilize in collapse. The physical effects on the organs go on unabated until they demand notice when they are expressed as illness. Medications, drugs, and alcohol can also temporarily dull or obliterate unbearable sensations and feelings. But the body continues to keep the score.”

“The Body Keeps the Score: Mind, Brain and Body in the Transformation of Trauma” by Bessel van der Kolk

This. Just this. I was not in denial of acute and chronic traumas in my past. The treatment I received for those worked well, and I still put the lessons I learned then into practice. But I was in denial about my root trauma. Until I collapsed spectacularly about 5 years ago. But the effects of denial started long before that.

Going Against a Hundred Years of Literature

“For a hundred years or more, every textbook of psychology and psychotherapy has advised that some method of talking about distressing feelings can resolve them. However, as we’ve seen, the experience of trauma itself gets in the way of being able to do that. No matter how much insight and understanding we develop, the rational brain is basically impotent to talk the emotional brain out of its own reality. “

“The Body Keeps the Score: Mind, Brain and Body in the Transformation of Trauma” by Bessel van der Kolk

I’ve been trying to explain this to therapists and my environment for as long as I can remember. The assumption that because I can talk about distressing feelings and situations, and can rationally analyze what happens to me when I’m not in a flashback or unhealthy survival mode, has been a hinder.

I wonder why this is so difficult for people to accept. This is my reality. Yet over and over again I’m offered more talk therapy. And then given more diagnoses to try and explain why the talk therapy isn’t working. My greatest breakthroughs in recovering from acute trauma were during somatic therapies.

What Happens in the Brain During Flashbacks

“Harvard Medical School was and is at the forefront of the neuroscience revolution, and in 1994 a young psychiatrist, Scott Rauch, was appointed as the first director of the Massachusetts General Hospital Neuroimaging Laboratory. After considering the most relevant questions that this new technology could answer and reading some articles I had written, Scott asked me whether I thought we could study what happens in the brains of people who have flashbacks.”

“The Body Keeps the Score: Mind, Brain and Body in the Transformation of Trauma” by Bessel van der Kolk

After some of van der Kolk’s patients had told him about their flashbacks and “how upsetting it was to be suddenly hijacked by images, feelings, and sounds from the past,” he and his research team took brain scans of people while they were experiencing a flashback. And compared them to brain scans of the same people when they were feeling safe.

This research was done at Harvard Medical School. Their programs and research when it comes to neurobiology and the brain are hailed world-wide.

The Limbic Area & the Amygdala

“Our study clearly showed that when traumatized people are presented with images, sounds, or thoughts related to their particular experience, the amygdala reacts with alarm—even […] years after the event. Activation of this fear center triggers the cascade of stress hormones and nerve impulses that drive up blood pressure, heart rate, and oxygen intake—preparing the body for fight or flight.”

“The Body Keeps the Score: Mind, Brain and Body in the Transformation of Trauma” by Bessel van der Kolk

The limbic area is what is known as the emotional brain. It’s an area that is activated by intense emotion. Within this area is also the amygdala. The area of the brain that “warn[s] us of impending danger and to activate the body’s stress response.”

I have written before that trauma can affect people physically. “Exposure to complex trauma in early childhood leads to structural and functional brain changes. […] Proven structural changes include enlargement of the amygdala, the alarm center of the brain.”

Broca’s area – The Speech Center

“Our most surprising finding was a white spot in the left frontal lobe of the cortex, in a region called Broca’s area. In this case the change in color meant that there was a significant decrease in that part of the brain. Broca’s area is one of the speech centers of the brain, which is often affected in stroke patients when the blood supply to that region is cut off. Without a functioning Broca’s area, you cannot put your thoughts and feelings into words. Our scans showed that Broca’s area went offline whenever a flashback was triggered. In other words, we had visual proof that the effects of trauma are not necessarily different from—and can overlap with—the effects of physical lesions like strokes.”

“The Body Keeps the Score: Mind, Brain and Body in the Transformation of Trauma” by Bessel van der Kolk

I remember clearly sitting next to a therapist in the passenger seat of his car as part of exposure therapy. I was experiencing a terrible flashback. All he did was constantly ask me to tell him what was going on. I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t put it into words. His frustration grew until he finally said “If you won’t talk to me, I can’t help you.” These words haunt me to this day.

Later, when I tried to explain to him what happened, he completely dismissed me and that I couldn’t speak at that time. It was all me. I was refusing to cooperate, so there was no point in treating me.

“Even years later traumatized people often have enormous difficulty telling other people what has happened to them. Their bodies reexperience terror, rage, and helplessness, as well as the impulse to fight or flee, but these feelings are almost impossible to articulate. Trauma by nature drives us to the edge of comprehension, cutting us off from language based on common experience or an imaginable past.”

“The Body Keeps the Score: Mind, Brain and Body in the Transformation of Trauma” by Bessel van der Kolk

I can talk about what happened to me. What was done to me? But in order to do that I need to shut off all feeling. Which is triggering in itself. It turns out I’m not alone in this. It’s called denial and comes up a little later in this chapter.

Brodman’s Area 19 – The Visual Cortex

“When words fail, haunting images capture the experience and return as nightmares and flashbacks. In contrast to the deactivation of Broca’s area, another region, Brodmann’s area 19, lit up in our participants. This is a region in the visual cortex that registers images when they first enter the brain. We were surprised to see brain activation in this area so long after the original experience of the trauma. Under ordinary conditions raw images registered in area 19 are rapidly diffused to other brain areas that interpret the meaning of what has been seen. Once again, we were witnessing a brain region rekindled as if the trauma were actually occurring.”

“The Body Keeps the Score: Mind, Brain and Body in the Transformation of Trauma” by Bessel van der Kolk

I have no words to accurately describe this. I usually wake up every few hours from nightmares. It’s been like this for more than 8 years now. The frequency of my flashbacks has diminished, but a few years ago they were almost constant.

It’s terrifying. A tiny part of me knows that what I’m re-experiencing is in the past. But that doesn’t help me in stopping the flashback from overwhelming me in the here and now.

“Similar sensations often trigger a flashback that brings them back into consciousness, apparently unmodified by the passage of time.”

“The Body Keeps the Score: Mind, Brain and Body in the Transformation of Trauma” by Bessel van der Kolk

Since I was a little kid it was explained to me that I would experience things that would scare me or make me nervous. I was told and believed that this would go away with the passage of time. Mostly they never did.

Deactivation of the Left Side of the Brain During a Flashback

“[…] our scans clearly showed that images of past trauma activate the right hemisphere of the brain and deactivate the left.”

“The Body Keeps the Score: Mind, Brain and Body in the Transformation of Trauma” by Bessel van der Kolk

I think this part affected me the most. I cannot begin to express the feeling of absolute loss of rationality during a flashback. To now realize that half of my brain is deactivated during flashbacks is still hard. Rationally I understand, but my body, my feelings scream in denial. It’s a war. In my core I don’t want to accept this. Even if my brain knows perfectly well that it’s based on research. They’re facts.

“Deactivation of the left hemisphere has a direct impact on the capacity to organize experience into logical sequences and to translate our shifting feelings and perceptions into words. (Broca’s area, which blacks out during flashbacks, is on the left side.) Without sequencing we can’t identify cause and effect, grasp the long-term effects of our actions, or create coherent plans for the future. People who are very upset sometimes say they are “losing their minds.” In technical terms they are experiencing the loss of executive functioning.”

“The Body Keeps the Score: Mind, Brain and Body in the Transformation of Trauma” by Bessel van der Kolk

When I’m not in a flashback, I am perfectly capable of logic and reasoning, and I can easily put perceptions into words. When I’m triggered, I lose this ability. Yet my environment expects me to still be able to do what I can’t. And honestly, I expect it of myself too. Asking my environment to lower their expectations of me has proven impossible. But I can lower my own expectations of myself.

Trauma Interferes with Awareness

When something reminds traumatized people of the past, their right brain reacts as if the traumatic event were happening in the present. But because their left brain is not working very well, they may not be aware that they are reexperiencing and reenacting the past—they are just furious, terrified, enraged, ashamed, or frozen. After the emotional storm passes, they may look for something or somebody to blame for it. They behaved the way they did because you were ten minutes late, or because you burned the potatoes, or because you “never listen to me.” Of course, most of us have done this from time to time, but when we cool down, we hopefully can admit our mistake. Trauma interferes with this kind of awareness, and, over time, our research demonstrated why.

“The Body Keeps the Score: Mind, Brain and Body in the Transformation of Trauma” by Bessel van der Kolk

I REALLY want to skip ahead and read the research into this. Not just for myself. By now I’m fairly aware of my reactions and behavior. I still can’t always stop it from happening, but I have always tried to go back and explain my reactions. These days the people closest to me accept this of me. And when they experience it themselves, have started to reciprocate. It’s a process. One that is incredibly helpful to me.

The Essence Does Not Equal Integration

“I am continually impressed by how difficult it is for people who have gone through the unspeakable to convey the essence of their experience. It is so much easier for them to talk about what has been done to them—to tell a story of victimization and revenge—than to notice, feel, and put into words the reality of their internal experience. Our scans had revealed how their dread persisted and could be triggered by multiple aspects of daily experience. They had not integrated their experience into the ongoing stream of their life. They continued to be “there” and did not know how to be “here”—fully alive in the present.”

“The Body Keeps the Score: Mind, Brain and Body in the Transformation of Trauma” by Bessel van der Kolk

I can’t adequately explain the impact of this on me. I can convey the essence of my experience. So in that sense I’m much further along than some. Yet when I do convey the essence, it’s treated as though it’s nothing. Reading that an expert in the field of trauma is impressed by people who can is ambiguous. Maybe because I trivialize myself in this. I don’t find it impressive at all; it is a basic necessity in order to survive for me.

The Personal

I objectively have experienced complex trauma and chronic trauma since early childhood.

Yet whenever I have tried to talk to my environment about the possibility that this might have affected my brain physically, I am ignored or asked not to consider it until it’s proven by an actual brain scan of my brain. And mental health care professionals here in Aruba have refused to even discuss these possibilities with me, except as a sign of another disorder.

I am told they work according to evidence-based approaches, yet when I show evidence, by world-renowned scientists and research institutes such as Harvard, it’s still not enough. What will it take?

And even if there would be irrefutable proof, what then?

Being Asked to Provide Evidence, Then Promptly Ignoring the Evidence

This is particularly triggering to me for a rather bizarre reason. I come from a family where law is heavily respected and a large part of my family have studied law. And the other side of my family comes from generations of people who have studied at University. So logic and proof were par for the course from both sides of my family.

Since childhood, I learned a very important lesson, that I still haven’t completely unlearned. If I can’t prove something, it can’t be true. That’s fine in legal professions or in academic circles. But not when it comes to dealing with children and their emotions and reactions.

A Plea to Anyone Who Deals With Traumatized People

Most people don’t react differently for no reason. I beg of anyone, whether you’re a parent or a partner or even a therapist, to please stop putting the burden of proof on the person who’s traumatized. They’re traumatized; that’s all the proof you need in order to support them in their journey to find the proof they need to resolve their experiences.

And if along the way you help them find proof that can be used in a court of law, or to help them get therapies that actually work, that’s just a bonus.

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In a little over a week, I and the (mental) health director of the Jeffry Stijn Foundation for Mental Health and Patient Advocacy, will be attending the 34th Annual Boston International Trauma Conference virtually. A few days ago I decided to read Bessel van der Kolk‘s “The Body Keeps the Score” and journal as I read.

I was planning on writing a summary post after I was done. But Chapter 3: Looking into the Brain. The Neuroscience Revolution, demanded immediate attention.

Here’s an excerpt from the original post.

Chapter 3: Looking into the Brain. The Neuroscience Revolution

People have physical reactions during Flashbacks. Heart rate and blood pressure go up. The fear center of the brain gets activated. Being able to speak goes out the window. Images flash by as if they are happening here and now. Not in the past. It feels like losing one’s mind.

There are brain scans made 30 years ago at Harvard University that show why this is.

I recommend that anyone who experiences flashbacks has loved ones who experience flashbacks or treats people with flashbacks, reads this chapter.

What Happens in the Brain During Flashbacks

“Harvard Medical School was and is at the forefront of the neuroscience revolution, and in 1994 a young psychiatrist, Scott Rauch, was appointed as the first director of the Massachusetts General Hospital Neuroimaging Laboratory. After considering the most relevant questions that this new technology could answer and reading some articles I had written, Scott asked me whether I thought we could study what happens in the brains of people who have flashbacks.”

“The Body Keeps the Score: Mind, Brain and Body in the Transformation of Trauma” by Bessel van der Kolk

After some of van der Kolk’s patients had told him about their flashbacks and “how upsetting it was to be suddenly hijacked by images, feelings, and sounds from the past,” he and his research team took brain scans of people while they were experiencing a flashback. And compared them to brain scans of the same people when they were feeling safe.

This research was done at Harvard Medical School. Their programs and research when it comes to neurobiology and the brain are hailed world-wide.

The Limbic Area & the Amygdala

“Our study clearly showed that when traumatized people are presented with images, sounds, or thoughts related to their particular experience, the amygdala reacts with alarm—even […] years after the event. Activation of this fear center triggers the cascade of stress hormones and nerve impulses that drive up blood pressure, heart rate, and oxygen intake—preparing the body for fight or flight.”

“The Body Keeps the Score: Mind, Brain and Body in the Transformation of Trauma” by Bessel van der Kolk

The limbic area is what is known as the emotional brain. It’s an area that is activated by intense emotion. Within this area is also the amygdala. The area of the brain that “warn[s] us of impending danger and to activate the body’s stress response.”

Broca’s area – The Speech Center

“Our most surprising finding was a white spot in the left frontal lobe of the cortex, in a region called Broca’s area. In this case the change in color meant that there was a significant decrease in that part of the brain. Broca’s area is one of the speech centers of the brain, which is often affected in stroke patients when the blood supply to that region is cut off. Without a functioning Broca’s area, you cannot put your thoughts and feelings into words. Our scans showed that Broca’s area went offline whenever a flashback was triggered. In other words, we had visual proof that the effects of trauma are not necessarily different from—and can overlap with—the effects of physical lesions like strokes.”

“The Body Keeps the Score: Mind, Brain and Body in the Transformation of Trauma” by Bessel van der Kolk

I clearly remember sitting next to a therapist in the passenger seat of his car as part of exposure therapy. I was experiencing a terrible flashback. All he did was constantly ask me to tell him what was going on. I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t put it into words. His frustration grew until he finally said “if you won’t talk to me, I can’t help you.” These words haunt me to this day.

Later, when I tried to explain to him what happened, he completely dismissed me and that I couldn’t speak at that time. It was all me. I was refusing to cooperate, so there was no point in treating me.

Brodman’s Area 19 – The Visual Cortex

“When words fail, haunting images capture the experience and return as nightmares and flashbacks. In contrast to the deactivation of Broca’s area, another region, Brodmann’s area 19, lit up in our participants. This is a region in the visual cortex that registers images when they first enter the brain. We were surprised to see brain activation in this area so long after the original experience of the trauma. Under ordinary conditions raw images registered in area 19 are rapidly diffused to other brain areas that interpret the meaning of what has been seen. Once again, we were witnessing a brain region rekindled as if the trauma were actually occurring.”

“The Body Keeps the Score: Mind, Brain and Body in the Transformation of Trauma” by Bessel van der Kolk

I have no words to accurately describe this. I usually wake up every few hours from nightmares. It’s been like this for more than 8 years now. The frequency of my flashbacks has diminished, but a few years ago they were almost constant.

It’s terrifying. A tiny part of me knows that what I’m re-experiencing is in the past. But that doesn’t help in stopping the flashback from overwhelming me in the here and now.

Deactivation of the Left Side of the Brain During a Flashback

“[…] our scans clearly showed that images of past trauma activate the right hemisphere of the brain and deactivate the left.”

“The Body Keeps the Score: Mind, Brain and Body in the Transformation of Trauma” by Bessel van der Kolk

I think this part affected me the most. I cannot begin to express the feeling of absolute loss of rationality during a flashback. To now realize that half of my brain is deactivated during flashbacks is still hard. Rationally I understand, but my body, my feelings scream in denial. It’s a war. In my core I don’t want to accept this. Even if my brain knows perfectly well that it’s based on research. They’re facts.

“Deactivation of the left hemisphere has a direct impact on the capacity to organize experience into logical sequences and to translate our shifting feelings and perceptions into words. (Broca’s area, which blacks out during flashbacks, is on the left side.) Without sequencing we can’t identify cause and effect, grasp the long-term effects of our actions, or create coherent plans for the future. People who are very upset sometimes say they are “losing their minds.” In technical terms they are experiencing the loss of executive functioning.”

“The Body Keeps the Score: Mind, Brain and Body in the Transformation of Trauma” by Bessel van der Kolk

When I’m not in a flashback, I am perfectly capable of logic and reasoning, and I can easily put perceptions into words. When I’m triggered, I lose this ability. Yet my environment expects me to still be able to do what I can’t. And honestly, I expect it of myself too. Asking my environment to lower their expectations of me has proven impossible. But I can lower my own expectations of myself.

Denial: the Silent Killer

“We now know that there is another possible response to threat, which our scans aren’t yet capable of measuring. Some people simply go into denial: Their bodies register the threat, but their conscious minds go on as if nothing has happened. However, even though the mind may learn to ignore the messages from the emotional brain, the alarm signals don’t stop. The emotional brain keeps working, and stress hormones keep sending signals to the muscles to tense for action or immobilize in collapse. The physical effects on the organs go on unabated until they demand notice when they are expressed as illness. Medications, drugs, and alcohol can also temporarily dull or obliterate unbearable sensations and feelings. But the body continues to keep the score.”

“The Body Keeps the Score: Mind, Brain and Body in the Transformation of Trauma” by Bessel van der Kolk

This. Just this. I was not in denial of acute and chronic traumas in my past. The treatment I received for those worked well, and I still put the lessons I learned then into practice. But I was in denial about my root trauma. Until I collapsed spectacularly about 5 years ago. But the effects of denial started long before that.

Going Against a Hundred Years of Literature

“For a hundred years or more, every textbook of psychology and psychotherapy has advised that some method of talking about distressing feelings can resolve them. However, as we’ve seen, the experience of trauma itself gets in the way of being able to do that. No matter how much insight and understanding we develop, the rational brain is basically impotent to talk the emotional brain out of its own reality. “

“The Body Keeps the Score: Mind, Brain and Body in the Transformation of Trauma” by Bessel van der Kolk

I’ve been trying to explain this to therapists and my environment for as long as I can remember. The assumption that because I can talk about distressing feelings and situations, and can rationally analyze what happens to me when I’m not in a flashback or unhealthy survival mode, has been a hinder.

I wonder why this is so difficult for people to accept. This is my reality. Yet over and over again I’m offered more talk therapy. And then given more diagnoses to try and explain why the talk therapy isn’t working. My greatest breakthroughs in recovering from acute trauma were during somatic therapies.

What Happens in the Brain During Flashbacks

“Harvard Medical School was and is at the forefront of the neuroscience revolution, and in 1994 a young psychiatrist, Scott Rauch, was appointed as the first director of the Massachusetts General Hospital Neuroimaging Laboratory. After considering the most relevant questions that this new technology could answer and reading some articles I had written, Scott asked me whether I thought we could study what happens in the brains of people who have flashbacks.”

“The Body Keeps the Score: Mind, Brain and Body in the Transformation of Trauma” by Bessel van der Kolk

After some of van der Kolk’s patients had told him about their flashbacks and “how upsetting it was to be suddenly hijacked by images, feelings, and sounds from the past,” he and his research team took brain scans of people while they were experiencing a flashback. And compared them to brain scans of the same people when they were feeling safe.

This research was done at Harvard Medical School. Their programs and research when it comes to neurobiology and the brain are hailed world-wide.

The Limbic Area & the Amygdala

“Our study clearly showed that when traumatized people are presented with images, sounds, or thoughts related to their particular experience, the amygdala reacts with alarm—even […] years after the event. Activation of this fear center triggers the cascade of stress hormones and nerve impulses that drive up blood pressure, heart rate, and oxygen intake—preparing the body for fight or flight.”

“The Body Keeps the Score: Mind, Brain and Body in the Transformation of Trauma” by Bessel van der Kolk

The limbic area is what is known as the emotional brain. It’s an area that is activated by intense emotion. Within this area is also the amygdala. The area of the brain that “warn[s] us of impending danger and to activate the body’s stress response.”

I have written before that trauma can affect people physically. “Exposure to complex trauma in early childhood leads to structural and functional brain changes. […] Proven structural changes include enlargement of the amygdala, the alarm center of the brain.”

Broca’s area – The Speech Center

“Our most surprising finding was a white spot in the left frontal lobe of the cortex, in a region called Broca’s area. In this case the change in color meant that there was a significant decrease in that part of the brain. Broca’s area is one of the speech centers of the brain, which is often affected in stroke patients when the blood supply to that region is cut off. Without a functioning Broca’s area, you cannot put your thoughts and feelings into words. Our scans showed that Broca’s area went offline whenever a flashback was triggered. In other words, we had visual proof that the effects of trauma are not necessarily different from—and can overlap with—the effects of physical lesions like strokes.”

“The Body Keeps the Score: Mind, Brain and Body in the Transformation of Trauma” by Bessel van der Kolk

I remember clearly sitting next to a therapist in the passenger seat of his car as part of exposure therapy. I was experiencing a terrible flashback. All he did was constantly ask me to tell him what was going on. I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t put it into words. His frustration grew until he finally said “If you won’t talk to me, I can’t help you.” These words haunt me to this day.

Later, when I tried to explain to him what happened, he completely dismissed me and that I couldn’t speak at that time. It was all me. I was refusing to cooperate, so there was no point in treating me.

“Even years later traumatized people often have enormous difficulty telling other people what has happened to them. Their bodies reexperience terror, rage, and helplessness, as well as the impulse to fight or flee, but these feelings are almost impossible to articulate. Trauma by nature drives us to the edge of comprehension, cutting us off from language based on common experience or an imaginable past.”

“The Body Keeps the Score: Mind, Brain and Body in the Transformation of Trauma” by Bessel van der Kolk

I can talk about what happened to me. What was done to me? But in order to do that I need to shut off all feeling. Which is triggering in itself. It turns out I’m not alone in this. It’s called denial and comes up a little later in this chapter.

Brodman’s Area 19 – The Visual Cortex

“When words fail, haunting images capture the experience and return as nightmares and flashbacks. In contrast to the deactivation of Broca’s area, another region, Brodmann’s area 19, lit up in our participants. This is a region in the visual cortex that registers images when they first enter the brain. We were surprised to see brain activation in this area so long after the original experience of the trauma. Under ordinary conditions raw images registered in area 19 are rapidly diffused to other brain areas that interpret the meaning of what has been seen. Once again, we were witnessing a brain region rekindled as if the trauma were actually occurring.”

“The Body Keeps the Score: Mind, Brain and Body in the Transformation of Trauma” by Bessel van der Kolk

I have no words to accurately describe this. I usually wake up every few hours from nightmares. It’s been like this for more than 8 years now. The frequency of my flashbacks has diminished, but a few years ago they were almost constant.

It’s terrifying. A tiny part of me knows that what I’m re-experiencing is in the past. But that doesn’t help me in stopping the flashback from overwhelming me in the here and now.

“Similar sensations often trigger a flashback that brings them back into consciousness, apparently unmodified by the passage of time.”

“The Body Keeps the Score: Mind, Brain and Body in the Transformation of Trauma” by Bessel van der Kolk

Since I was a little kid it was explained to me that I would experience things that would scare me or make me nervous. I was told and believed that this would go away with the passage of time. Mostly they never did.

Deactivation of the Left Side of the Brain During a Flashback

“[…] our scans clearly showed that images of past trauma activate the right hemisphere of the brain and deactivate the left.”

“The Body Keeps the Score: Mind, Brain and Body in the Transformation of Trauma” by Bessel van der Kolk

I think this part affected me the most. I cannot begin to express the feeling of absolute loss of rationality during a flashback. To now realize that half of my brain is deactivated during flashbacks is still hard. Rationally I understand, but my body, my feelings scream in denial. It’s a war. In my core I don’t want to accept this. Even if my brain knows perfectly well that it’s based on research. They’re facts.

“Deactivation of the left hemisphere has a direct impact on the capacity to organize experience into logical sequences and to translate our shifting feelings and perceptions into words. (Broca’s area, which blacks out during flashbacks, is on the left side.) Without sequencing we can’t identify cause and effect, grasp the long-term effects of our actions, or create coherent plans for the future. People who are very upset sometimes say they are “losing their minds.” In technical terms they are experiencing the loss of executive functioning.”

“The Body Keeps the Score: Mind, Brain and Body in the Transformation of Trauma” by Bessel van der Kolk

When I’m not in a flashback, I am perfectly capable of logic and reasoning, and I can easily put perceptions into words. When I’m triggered, I lose this ability. Yet my environment expects me to still be able to do what I can’t. And honestly, I expect it of myself too. Asking my environment to lower their expectations of me has proven impossible. But I can lower my own expectations of myself.

Trauma Interferes with Awareness

When something reminds traumatized people of the past, their right brain reacts as if the traumatic event were happening in the present. But because their left brain is not working very well, they may not be aware that they are reexperiencing and reenacting the past—they are just furious, terrified, enraged, ashamed, or frozen. After the emotional storm passes, they may look for something or somebody to blame for it. They behaved the way they did because you were ten minutes late, or because you burned the potatoes, or because you “never listen to me.” Of course, most of us have done this from time to time, but when we cool down, we hopefully can admit our mistake. Trauma interferes with this kind of awareness, and, over time, our research demonstrated why.

“The Body Keeps the Score: Mind, Brain and Body in the Transformation of Trauma” by Bessel van der Kolk

I REALLY want to skip ahead and read the research into this. Not just for myself. By now I’m fairly aware of my reactions and behavior. I still can’t always stop it from happening, but I have always tried to go back and explain my reactions. These days the people closest to me accept this of me. And when they experience it themselves, have started to reciprocate. It’s a process. One that is incredibly helpful to me.

The Essence Does Not Equal Integration

“I am continually impressed by how difficult it is for people who have gone through the unspeakable to convey the essence of their experience. It is so much easier for them to talk about what has been done to them—to tell a story of victimization and revenge—than to notice, feel, and put into words the reality of their internal experience. Our scans had revealed how their dread persisted and could be triggered by multiple aspects of daily experience. They had not integrated their experience into the ongoing stream of their life. They continued to be “there” and did not know how to be “here”—fully alive in the present.”

“The Body Keeps the Score: Mind, Brain and Body in the Transformation of Trauma” by Bessel van der Kolk

I can’t adequately explain the impact of this on me. I can convey the essence of my experience. So in that sense I’m much further along than some. Yet when I do convey the essence, it’s treated as though it’s nothing. Reading that an expert in the field of trauma is impressed by people who can is ambiguous. Maybe because I trivialize myself in this. I don’t find it impressive at all; it is a basic necessity in order to survive for me.

The Personal

I objectively have experienced complex trauma and chronic trauma since early childhood.

Yet whenever I have tried to talk to my environment about the possibility that this might have affected my brain physically, I am ignored or asked not to consider it until it’s proven by an actual brain scan of my brain. And mental health care professionals here in Aruba have refused to even discuss these possibilities with me, except as a sign of another disorder.

I am told they work according to evidence-based approaches, yet when I show evidence, by world-renowned scientists and research institutes such as Harvard, it’s still not enough. What will it take?

And even if there would be irrefutable proof, what then?

Being Asked to Provide Evidence, Then Promptly Ignoring the Evidence

This is particularly triggering to me for a rather bizarre reason. I come from a family where law is heavily respected and a large part of my family have studied law. And the other side of my family comes from generations of people who have studied at University. So logic and proof were par for the course from both sides of my family.

Since childhood, I learned a very important lesson, that I still haven’t completely unlearned. If I can’t prove something, it can’t be true. That’s fine in legal professions or in academic circles. But not when it comes to dealing with children and their emotions and reactions.

A Plea to Anyone Who Deals With Traumatized People

Most people don’t react differently for no reason. I beg of anyone, whether you’re a parent or a partner or even a therapist, to please stop putting the burden of proof on the person who’s traumatized. They’re traumatized; that’s all the proof you need in order to support them in their journey to find the proof they need to resolve their experiences.

And if along the way you help them find proof that can be used in a court of law, or to help them get therapies that actually work, that’s just a bonus.

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Julie Faruba

Julie is a renaissance woman. Mental health patient advocate. Certified compliance professional. Avid reader. Amateur writer. Passionate dancer. Animal friend. Life-long student. Free speech proponent. Human rights champion. Devil’s advocate debater. Complex Trauma Experience Expert.

jsfaruba.com

Recently, during meditation, I heard a young inner part of me, loud and clear: “I am not allowed to be happy.” I had just received the publication date for The Blossoming Lotus, my up-coming poetry book. Instead of excitement, I felt suddenly depressed.  How do I get this inner part to enjoy life itself, with all its milestones along the way? How do I break the “not allowed to be happy” rule and allow myself to fully experience joy?

For most writers, getting a publishing date for their book is an occasion to celebrate. After days of waiting for this date, when it arrived in my mailbox, I felt my heart racing, my stomach fluttering and my palms sweating. A few years back, I’d be asking myself what was wrong with me or, I’d be questioning why I don’t feel happy and proud of this achievement. This time around though, although I didn’t fully understand my reaction to good news, I knew I needed to feel it. My mother was there, in the background of my mind.

Free to feel joy

One night, as I was listening to a sleep meditation, with some positive affirmations, when I heard: “Free to feel joy.” My heart jumped – it is the best way I can describe it. It was uncomfortable but, it was clear to me, my low mood was linked to NOT feeling free to experience joy and happiness. The next morning. during meditation, I heard a young inner part, loud and clear; “I am not allowed to be happy. Mum doesn’t want me to be happy.” This inner part felt total despair and deep sadness. My heart did another somersault, and I felt my facial muscles drop, my jaw shaking as if I was a child about to burst into tears. I tried to rectify my facial expression but,  couldn’t. I relaxed into it and felt the full force of her despair. My body started to shake a little. I breathed into all of this and then, opened my eyes and grounded myself as I had just experienced a powerful shift.

I didn’t deserve nice things

I later understood what happened: I fully embodied this young inner child. The body-shaking signified a release of energy. For the rest of the day, I let all my emotions and experience settle down and guide me. I had flashbacks of instances when my mother would ask me if I wanted some new shoes, or this dress, just to say: “Well, you can’t have it.” There was a day when I laughed and she demanded I stop laughing. By my late teens, I had forgotten about my deepest desires/ dreams and dared not ask for anything anymore. And, yes, there were many occasions that proved life was shit, I didn’t deserve nice things or I certainly wasn’t to expect to achieve anything of value and to get an easy ride.

For those who declare “Happiness is a choice.” as if all we have to do is decide to be happy and, then instantly experience delight, it is simply not true for someone who has been abused throughout their childhood and, had to give up hope to survive. Hearts, lives, and dreams have been shattered and few lucky ones are supported well enough, in adulthood, to go on leading a fulfilling and joyful life. It takes time, patience, and tender loving care into nurturing a brain wired for survival into a brain wired for simply enjoying being alive.

I kept breathing loving kindness, and self-compassion through these intense emotional and visual flashbacks. I reached out to my friends who understand that, for me, it is hard to fully relax into this amazing experience it has been, so far, to write and to get my poetry book published! It is a bit hard when people around me are so excited and keep on congratulating me! I kept having this “something isn’t quite right” feeling as if I was expecting something terrible to happen. As if, I was doing something wrong in achieving my dream of becoming an author! 

Let the Universe love you, support and guide you

When I asked this young inner part what she needed from me, the answered: “Don’t leave me!” Most of my inner parts asked me not to leave them, and to, please, and love them. I validate their painful experiences and their feelings, and then I see them getting cozy within my heart center, being showered in unconditional love. I then, gradually, feel them relax. I keep meditating on the guidance I receive a lot at the moment: “Let the Universe love you, support and guide you. You are no longer alone. You are the Universe/Light/Love in a human form. Focus on your loving relationships with everything single inner precious part of you and everything else will fall into place.”

During these times of shifting and processing. I can feel emotionally drained. I feel more sensitive too. In times like this, I repeat my favourite motto: “Gently does it.” There are times for action or inner work, and there are times for rest.

Take gentle care of yourselves.

Sylvie

• For Inner Parts work, check out Dr Richard Schwartz’s Internal Family System -IFS
• For Self-Compassion, go to Dr Kristin Neff’s website: Self-Compassion
• Read: Experiencing More Joy and Fun in My Life
• The YouTube channel Great Meditation has lots of wonderful meditations – 5 mins to an hour long . This channel has helped me a lot. I highly recommend it. Click in the link below.

Sylvie Rouhani

Writer – Blogger – Poet – Mental Health and Child Abuse Activist

Deputy Editor and Journalist for Taxpayers Against Poverty

Author of The Blossoming Lotus”

https://www.austinmacauley.com/book/blossoming-lotus

New Website: Breaking The Cycles

https://breakingthecycles.co.uk/

breakingthecycles.co.uk

This series on core beliefs has tackled many subjects. We’ve examined how core beliefs can and do affect your life and how negative core beliefs and CPTSD often go together.

This article will tackle core beliefs and how they affect your happiness.

Core Beliefs

Core beliefs are the underlying thoughts, always starting with “I,” that we hold to be true about ourselves, the world, and others. Core beliefs developed when you were a child and highly depended on how you were treated growing up.

You formed your core beliefs based on your relationship with your caregivers and experience. Core beliefs help you interpret the world around you.

If there is trauma in your childhood, your core beliefs can become skewed, and you develop thoughts about yourself that are not true. These thoughts, however wrong, served you in childhood, allowing you to get your needs met by conforming to the adults in your life.

Today, these negative core beliefs inhibit you from reaching your full potential as they tell you that you are hopeless, worthless, or worse. You likely have complex post-traumatic stress disorder and struggle daily with your self-worth.

The good news is that you can change these thought patterns to live a better life today.

Positivity and Core Beliefs

Adopted in early life, core beliefs are powerful because they have been ingrained in us for many years and have reached the status of “always true” and “unquestionable.” The belief that our core beliefs are always true can hold down adults stuck in negative feelings about themselves.

The Cognitive Behavioral Therapy approach tells us that adverse life events do not always lead to negative results. It is, instead, the reactions that people have to these negative events that make all the difference.

Adverse events impede you from forming healthy judgments and solving problems adequately, leading to more negative thoughts and actions.

Your behaviors and thought patterns make the difference between being happy in your life and being miserable. It is true that you were mistreated in childhood and that your core beliefs reflect the words and actions of your caregivers, but you need not remain stuck in the past.

It is crucial, therefore, to identify and understand how such negativity in your core beliefs happened and challenge them. Changing your core beliefs is the only way to achieve a healthy and happy life.

Core Beliefs and Happiness

Core beliefs are the door to becoming happier. Negative core beliefs will leave you empty and unhappy, while positive core beliefs allow you to feel in control, full of life, and happy.

Positive core beliefs about yourself and your world are essential to feeling happy and belonging. Although you are composed of the sum of your parts, each is an area or category.

There are five categories involved with core beliefs.

Your Self-Concepts. Your self-concepts are those core beliefs that are unquestionable thoughts in your mind of who you believe you are and that you believe to be true. It is critical to your happiness that you have a healthy self-concept. Although childhood trauma dramatically affects how you see yourself, this can change and, in the process, make you a happier person.

Your Relationships. The beliefs you hold to be true about your relationships, including how you see the roles of significant others are major. Negative core beliefs significantly alter your relationships, but it is possible to learn to change your thinking patterns about others to grow in happiness.

Your Health. How you see your body and respond to its needs greatly enhances or destroys your happiness. By changing core beliefs about your health and body from negative to positive, happiness will inevitably follow.

Your Money. Your beliefs about money and finances and your relationship to them can affect your happiness. Your relationship with money and how you handle your finances are critical to your happiness. Holding core beliefs where you don’t feel you have enough money or that cause you to mishandle it will bring discomfort and unhappiness.

Your Life. Beliefs about your life tend to be broad and affect many aspects of your life. It is critical to take control of your life and not simply allow yourself to drift. You are in control of your life and your happiness now, and it is up to you to gain control over your negative thinking patterns.

Your Relationship with Other People. These are your general beliefs about other people, whether they are strangers or someone you know well. This category can also include your thoughts about humanity. Your happiness depends upon how you get along in society.

Although life will never be easy or fair, much happiness awaits you if you take your core values by the horns and pull them into the shape you want.

Reframing Assumptions

If you assume you are unlovable or ugly, your behaviors will align with that belief even though others see you differently. In other words, your core beliefs can become self-fulfilling prophecies.

Having negative beliefs about oneself and the world leads to an unhealthy outlook on your life and unhappiness. Core beliefs are highly resistant to change, and even when confronted, these deeply seated beliefs about oneself remain rigid and are often associated with unhappiness.

Assumptions maintain core beliefs by explaining life experiences that contradict your self-thought patterns. A good example may be that you believe you are unlovable, yet someone tells you they love you. The core belief of your unlovability might lead you to sabotage that burgeoning relationship making you extremely unhappy.

Beliefs thus stated are predictive and can be challenged. You may ask yourself if the assumption is 100% true. You will find that no assumption can be correct in all situations 100% of the time.

Reframing negative assumptions into an “if this, then this” format will aid you in testing your assumption. For example, if I find love, then I will enjoy it. Reframing allows you to see an alternative to what you originally believed.

Challenging and Changing Core Beliefs

If you experience complex post-traumatic stress disorder, you likely have a boatload of negative core beliefs. Because core beliefs are deep-rooted and persistent, they are difficult to challenge, but it is possible.

Challenging core beliefs takes a lot of patience, hard work, and self-compassion; it can also take more time than you’d like. However, the process of overcoming negative core beliefs that have held you down in life is worth it.

The first stage in healing and changing a core belief is acknowledging it exists. Acknowledging those core beliefs that have changed your life’s path for the negative is a powerful beginning.

Next, you will want to explore the ways that a core belief affects your life and that it is a limiting belief.

For instance, your belief is that you firmly believe that you are not intelligent. This certainty in your mind inadvertently leads you to avoid going to college or training for a job that pays more than minimum wage.

If you find that you are having a tough time identifying your core beliefs or are having a hard time challenging them, it may be time to seek mental health professional help. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) may work best for you so that you can have aid in challenging those core beliefs that have been harming you (Otani et al., 2018).

In Closing

I have had core beliefs that have greatly limited me. I once believed I was so damaged by past abuse that, after entering a psychiatric ward, I decided not to leave. It took a therapist who cared and knew how to help me challenge and overcome that thought.

Today, I am a successful writer who is happy in her life. There were other core beliefs that I am currently challenging that limit me, but I am confident I will overcome them too.

It is important to remember that core beliefs aren’t all bad, as many of them aid you in your life. You are the only person who can overcome this stinking thinking, so make sure to listen to yourself in your self-talk to recognize your core beliefs and change them if they are a hindrance.

“Authenticity is an alignment between your beliefs, desires, and choices in the world. Desires that are in alignment with core beliefs generate powerful actions. Like a wave that draws from the depths of the ocean, actions connected to your authentic self are more likely to manifest your intentions.” – David Simon

“If our core belief is based on what other people think, then we eventually will allow their opinions to become our reality.” – Darren Johnson

References

Otani K, et al. (2018). Marked differences in core beliefs about self and others, between sociotropy and autonomy: personality vulnerabilities in the cognitive model of depression. ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5877496/

Additional Posts in this series:
Overcoming Complex PTSD and Negative Core Beliefs
What are Your Core Beliefs?
Negative Core Beliefs

Shirley Davis

My name is Shirley Davis and I am a freelance writer with over 40-years- experience writing short stories and poetry. Living as I do among the corn and bean fields of Illinois (USA), working from home using the Internet has become the best way to communicate with the world. My interests are wide and varied. I love any kind of science and read several research papers per week to satisfy my curiosity. I have earned an Associate Degree in Psychology and enjoy writing books on the subjects that most interest me.

www.learnaboutdid.com