– This a longer article than usual, I wanted to describe my experience as thoroughly as possible –

In 2014, after a traumatic breakup, my daughter moved in with her Dad, with very little money and being officially homeless, I was referred, by Lewisham Council, to Certitude, specifically to their “Shared Lives Scheme”: “Shared Lives is a quality alternative to residential care settings where people live as part of a family.” The page reads as follows: Shared Lives Carers support people within their own homes, either in a long-term arrangement, day support, or on a respite basis, which may be a day, weekend, or a few weeks at a time. People benefit from consistent support from people who know them well and build positive relationships and friendships.”

To be fair, looking at their website now, things have changed, since 2014. The scheme, back then, entailed me being paired up with a “Living Carer.” I was to stay with her for up to two years, depending on my progress. It was a time for me to recuperate and to live independently again, with all the support I needed.

Unfortunately, this isn’t what happened. The day I moved in, I was broken, I didn’t stop crying. I had just lost my home. I wanted to die, every single day. One of the first things M (my” career”) asked me was if “I’d like to join them, on Sunday.” I didn’t understand, what she meant. So, she added: “To church?” I politely declined the offer. At the time I was a practicing Buddhist. 

The next day, as I couldn’t stop crying, I poured my heart out to her. She got talking about her Faith, and, as the curious being I am, I asked her some questions, informing her I had a different faith. Her passion inspired me to go back to my own practice. The next day, we had another chat. She got the Bible out and cited some passages. I felt uncomfortable. I felt she was trying to convince me to join her. I felt it was inappropriate for her – as a carer, to open her Bible. My past training in the homelessness sector taught me not to talk about religion or not to indoctrinate patients. As a support worker, of any kind, you keep your beliefs to yourself. It is called being professional.

This was confirmed to me when they invited me to have dinner with them, Earthquakes just shook Nepal and I was glad someone I knew just come back to the UK, a few days before. When M’s husband, A screamed: “This happened because THEY don’t believe in THE ONE TRUE GOD!!” I left, disgusted the living room.

 “In a few words: she didn’t want me there.”

The other thing M was insisting on was that I save money to get my own TV so I could watch in the privacy of my bedroom. Once, I settled with them to watch TV. She made me feel very uncomfortable. So uncomfortable, I left quickly. In the bedroom I was offered, there was a broken computer desk that I had to get rid of, myself. I asked for a replacement or a small shelf. I never got a replacement. There was a big wardrobe, with a door off its hinges. This was fixed when I was out, without any notice. There seemed to be a few excuses to get into my room when I wasn’t there. They had a living room, with a big dining table but they put stools for me to eat at the kitchen top. The kitchen was small and there was barely any space for 2 people to be in there. I was given one tiny cupboard, for my own food and kitchen ware. I wasn’t allowed to leave a few essentials in the bathroom, such as my soap and toothbrush. In a few words: she didn’t want me there.

I noticed she kept letters inviting me, and herself to attend monthly residents’ groups. She watched everything I did. I was given a few chores but, it was never done properly. The house was cluttered and messy but, I was the problem.

She would forget my laundry days and had to ask her husband if I could do my laundry. She was supposed to cook healthy meals when I first arrived but only bought me microwave meals. 

On a regular basis, she would let the electricity meter run out, and she would be out all day. Turned out, she had a full time job and, adding all her church activities, she was barely in the house. Her full time job was supposed to care for me, to take me out, to provide a safe environment for my recovery. It was evident, I was extra money for her.

She told me to “think positive.” When I replied I didn’t like this piece of advice, she retorted: “What else am I supposed to say?” This was after spending the afternoon in A&E, felling suicidal and being given Valium to calm me down.

Once, as I was swiping the floor, I found a £10 note in a shoe. I was puzzled. What was it doing in one of her shoes? My intuition told me she was testing me: will I take the £10 note? I decided to leave it there, so it was visible. After a couple of days, it was still there, so I told her: “There is £10 in your shoe? isn’t that weird?” The way she feigned her surprise showed me everything I needed to know. It had been a trap.

Another lady arrived a month or so after me. The small cupboard in the kitchen was divided between us. Same thing in the fridge. We had on tiny shelf each. She too had to squeeze in the kitchen to eat. She had a smaller room than I had. She wanted to get out of there as soon as possible. She later was moved to another property within the scheme.

I had complained about things feeling off to S, the manager since I had first moved in. I was told it is always difficult to live in someone’s home and having to adhere to certain rules. It wasn’t the point I was making. The manager was appalled M left us with no electricity, on a regular basis. M was warned but, it still happened. There was talk about moving me to another property. It didn’t happen. I discovered my “flatmate” was moved to the same property I was offered within my first months of living with M and A, but never got to move into. I was unhappy about this.

I kept a record of all the occasions I was called to clean the mess that wasn’t mine. My every move was monitored. I felt persecuted. I WAS persecuted. It escalated until I started to seriously battle with thoughts of self-harm. I acted upon them too. Soon after, I wrote to the manager, again, informing her of my struggles. A meeting with M, herself, and myself was scheduled. I added if they didn’t move me as soon as possible I will fill in a formal complaint. Why wasn’t I moved in the property my flatmate was offered?

“S told me M wanted to punish me, she wanted to harm me with this comment. “

During this meeting, M feigned to be choked at my anger (Didn’t you know individuals diagnosed with BPD are angry monsters?) I never seemed happy and willing to fit in. S brought up the time she read the Bible to me; M challenged me “Which passage of the Bible?” “I don’t know”, I replied, “it is a big book”. “We are a family!” She exclaimed. I flinched! “No, we aren’t.”

 M brushed off the incident of her husband shouting passionately “Those people deserved to die in earthquakes because they didn’t believe in the ONE TRUE GOD.” “I cannot talk for A.” Same as the time A told me off for not picking up THEIR soap off the shower floor.

At the end of the meeting, M declared haughtily: “Well, I didn’t want to bring it up but, your bedroom is very smelly!” She made it sound as if I was one of the most disgusting people in the world. I felt as if I had just been slapped.

I was left alone with the manager, once M left. S told me M wanted to punish me, she wanted to harm me with this comment. She had been in my bedroom, to check if I was comfortable: “It didn’t smell and it was clean and orderly.” S finally through M. She also worked out M was working full time when she wasn’t supposed to.

“How many people, such as M, are using these care schemes, offered full training, to indoctrinated vulnerable individuals into their places of worship? Or just to make themselves feel good and powerful? Or just to get extra money? “

Thankfully, I was moved into my own supported accommodation, soon after. M and A gave me a hard time until the end: “Make sure you leave things as you found them!!” They repeated and again. On the last day, I just shouted at A: “I am leaving!!! Let me be!!” Maybe I should have brought back the broken desk and gotten the wardrobe door off its hinges.

Waiting for my friend to help me move my things, I took a walk. I felt sick to my stomach. I couldn’t breathe. When the last box was in the car, M asked if I was coming back to clean the bedroom floor and give her my last weekly payment of £20. The money was on the table. I said: “Sure, I’ll come back.” I left the key and never came back.

S sent me a review/ feedback a few weeks after I departed from the scheme. “Your concerns have been taken seriously. M will no longer work for us.” I never sent this feedback letter: I wanted to put all of this behind me.

10 years later, I still have nightmares of becoming homeless and moving into an awful place. I still see M, in my dreams (Nightmares) regularly. I saw her a couple of times in the neighborhood. I still feel anger at the abuse I endured in her “care.” And I am till mad at the way it was mishandled. This is the reason why I am writing about this now.

Even though, I spoke out, loud and clear, it took too long for my warnings to be taken seriously. It shouldn’t have happened. S was a lovely woman, but I wished she had listened to my concerns much earlier.

How many people, such as M, are using these care schemes, offered full training, to then indoctrinate vulnerable individuals into their places of worship? Or just to make themselves feel good and powerful? Or just to get extra money?

I know for a fact that M was sacked from Certitude but, before I left, I saw files on the living room table to join Bromley’s ( South East London – UK) own scheme. I wonder if she is working still, in this capacity? Is she still abusing vulnerable people, in the community? Unfortunately, I wouldn’t be surprised if she was.

I am also sharing this to let others know: that if you are mistreated, talk to someone. I hope and pray someone listens to you and protects you. I know too well we can speak up but, unfortunately, it doesn’t mean we will be listened to and protected. We all deserve a safe place to land, so we can recover from whatever hardships we’ve experienced.

Take gentle care of yourselves.

Sylvie

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Sylvie Rouhani

Writer – Blogger – Poet – Mental Health and Child Abuse Activist

Deputy Editor and Journalist for Taxpayers Against Poverty

Author of The Blossoming Lotus”

https://www.austinmacauley.com/book/blossoming-lotus

New Website: Breaking The Cycles

https://breakingthecycles.co.uk/

breakingthecycles.co.uk

This article includes an honest discussion about self-harming behavior. No triggering information is shared, but it is a highly triggering topic to some. Caution is advised.

We have published many articles on complex post-traumatic stress disorder and how it changes lives. However, this article is different in that we are going to discuss CPTSD and its role in self-harming behaviors.

A Review: What is Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD) is a chronic condition that affects survivors of multiple traumatic events, usually in childhood. It I caused by repeated and severe abuse of any type, including, sexual, verbal, physical, and narcissistic maltreatment.

Some of the symptoms of CPTSD are as follows:

• Alienation from others
• Amnesia
• Chronic mistrust of others or self
• Flashbacks
• Dissociation
• Shame
• Body memories
• Re-victimization
• Emotional dysfunction
• Anger issues

All of the symptoms above, plus many more, alter the lives of those who experience them.

Self-Harm as a Response to Childhood Trauma

Self-harm occurs when a person becomes so overwhelmed with their emotions that they are desperate for relief and hurt their own body. The injuries that are sustained by hurting oneself can be severe and sometimes are life-threatening if the wound becomes infected or it is too deep.

Self-injury is not considered a mental health disorder; however, people who commit self-harm often have an underlying mental health condition. Although it may seem counterintuitive, people who self-harm are not usually attempting to die by suicide. Instead, they are reaching for the dopamine rush that hurting oneself can bring to relieve immediate stress.

Below, you’ll find a list (not all conclusive) of methods people use to hurt themselves.

• Punching oneself or a wall
• Pulling out their hair
• Cutting oneself
• Burning oneself
• Extreme fasting

Self-harming behaviors bring very short-term relief, but when the dopamine rush wears off, the problems one faces are still there.

Recognizing Your Triggers

The situations that cause someone to harm themselves are called triggers. Triggers are difficult to explain because there are so many types. However, we can say that about anything can be a trigger. Triggers can be places, people, things, and anything else that triggers the fight-or-flight response.

The amygdala is a small region in the brain that is responsible for recognizing danger and telling the body to respond to danger. The problem is that people who have experienced complex trauma have a damaged amygdala that responds not only to triggers that signal danger but also to things that are not dangerous.

Survivors have great difficulty controlling themselves when their amygdala sounds the alarm and hijacks their brains, making them react in unpredictable ways. One of these reactions is self-harm.

People who self-harm might be attempting to calm themselves and overcome their fight-or-flight response. Other things people who hurt themselves are trying to control include:

• Gain control over life, their feelings, and their body
• Punish themselves because they feel flawed
• Express distress, such as depression, to others
• Give themselves reduced severe distress and a sense of relief
• To externalize internal emotions and feelings

It is critical for people who self-harm to begin to recognize their triggers to help them use coping skills and find alternatives to hurting themselves.

Alternatives to Self-Harming Behaviors

Every emotion one feels is accompanied by a physical sensation. For instance, when anyone feels frightened or upset, they probably feel it in their stomach, neck, or chest. These survivors may also feel like their mind is foggy or blank.

The trick to overcoming self-harming behaviors is to find an alternative response when they are overwhelmed and have moved into reaction mode. Knowing and using alternatives, like those listed below, can empower those who self-harm to take back their lives.

Instead of harming oneself, they can:

• Tear up a newspaper or picture
• Exercise
• Allow oneself to weep without shaming yourself
• Watch music videos or use any device to distract yourself
• Hug and squeeze something soft, like a plush
• Take a cold shower
• Look at Amazon and make a wish list
• Go shopping in a toy store (you need not buy anything)
• Practice mindfulness and meditation
• Re-watch your favorite television series
• Write down your thoughts

While it is true that there is no easy answer to overcoming self-harming behavior, it is also true that there are literally as many ways to distract yourself when you have the urge to self-harm.

Once you have recognized a trigger, immediately do whatever you find helpful to distract yourself from self-harming. Only you can do this; no one can do it for you.

Ending Our Time Together

Learning to recognize triggers is the key to overcoming complex post-traumatic stress disorder that can lead to self-harming behaviors. It is vital to remember that the emotions and the flashbacks that sometimes accompany them are only relics of the past and not happening in the here and now.

CPTSD is a tough diagnosis to live with, especially if you self-harm. You will need professional help from a mental health provider to end the worst of your symptoms and learn to live in the now where things are safe.

Keep in mind that you are wanted, needed, and loved. You may not have someone in your private life, but you have all the people who volunteer and work for the CPTSD Foundation.

I believe in you and hope you will believe that. I don’t know you personally, but I understand well what it is like to have CPTSD and self-harm. Both are not insurmountable problems and with care from an attentive and wonderful therapist, I have been able to now live a peaceful life. With time, you will too. I can promise you that.

“Believe in your dreams. Believe in today. Believe that you are loved. Believe that you make a difference. Believe we can build a better world. Believe when others might not. Believe there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. Believe that you might be that light for someone else. Believe that the best is yet to be. Believe in each other. Believe in yourself. I believe in you.” – Kobi Yamada.

“I don’t even think you know how great you really are. I believe in you.” – Dick Vermeil.

References

Serafini, G., Canepa, G., Adavastro, G., Nebbia, J., Belvederi Murri, M., Erbuto, D., … & Amore, M. (2017). The relationship between childhood maltreatment and non-suicidal self-injury: a systematic review. Frontiers in psychiatry, 8, 1 https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyt.2017.00149/full

CPTSD Foundation wishes to invite you to our Pride Program, offered weekly on Circle. In Pride, we discuss important topics related to complex trauma and how it has affected our lives. The program is led by a fantastic person who understands personally the issues facing the LGBTQIA+ community.

Come as you are, take what you like, and leave the rest.

The program is offered every Thursday at 7 pm Eastern time through the Circle app. If you are interested, you can find information here. Please, if you are interested, contact the support team of CPTSD Foundation and sign up.

We look forward to seeing you there.

Feeling down or dragged down during the holiday season? We’ve got you. CPTSD Foundation offers you Winter Holiday Support.         

If you sign up for our holiday support, you will receive an email once a day full of caring and loving from the CPTSD Foundation. Join us today!

Shirley Davis

My name is Shirley Davis and I am a freelance writer with over 40-years- experience writing short stories and poetry. Living as I do among the corn and bean fields of Illinois (USA), working from home using the Internet has become the best way to communicate with the world. My interests are wide and varied. I love any kind of science and read several research papers per week to satisfy my curiosity. I have earned an Associate Degree in Psychology and enjoy writing books on the subjects that most interest me.

www.learnaboutdid.com

This article includes an honest discussion about self-harming behavior. No triggering information is shared, but it is a topic that is highly triggering to some. Caution is advised.

Self-harming behaviors leave lasting scars and often feelings of shame. For those who have never self-harmed, doing so is an enigma they can’t answer. However, it makes perfect sense for those who have self-harmed.

Some people who have suffered complex trauma turn to drastic means to lessen their pain. This next series of articles for November is about some of the facts about self-harming behavior, and hopefully, it will give someone out there a glimpse of what is on the other side of this tremendous barrier to health and life.

What is Self-Harm

Self-harm is when someone hurts themselves to deal with challenging feelings such as painful memories and overwhelming situations. Many manifestations of self-harm exist, and many people have their take on what exactly describes it.

Here are some of the ways people describe why they self-harm.

• To change emotional pain
• To change their physical pain
• To reduce overwhelming feelings or thoughts
• To escape traumatic memories
• To punish themselves for their traumatic experiences
• To reconnect after they feel numb and dissociated
• To express suicidal thoughts and feelings without dying

After self-harming, these folks feel a short-term sense of release, but what they hide from is still there when they associate again.

It is crucial to remember that no matter what your reasoning for self-harm, it does come with risks. Also, once you have started depending on self-harm to handle your emotions, it can take a long time to stop.

Why Do People Harm Themselves?

Difficult experiences from the past or present can often spark self-harming behavior. For some, self-harming is perpetrated on parts of their body that they find are linked to a much earlier trauma, such as being abused in childhood.

Often, cuts and bruising increase the dopamine in the person’s bloodstream. The neurotransmitter dopamine is produced from the pleasure center of your brain, so when you self-harm, you get a dopamine rush; thus the euphoria felt by those who harm themselves.

Many reasons cause self-harming behaviors, including:

• Getting bullied
• Pressures from school and work
• Money worries
• A breakdown of a relationship
• Loss of a job
• Memories of sexual, physical, or emotional abuse
• Having low self-esteem
• Challenging feelings such as anxiety, depression, or numbness

The list above is not all-inclusive, as there are as many reasons to self-harm as there are people who do it.

The Shame Caused By the Scars of Self-Harm

Some people self-harm in places that are invisible to others, but others decide to harm themselves on body parts that are open to be seen, such as the arms. Either way, the person who hurts themselves often will panic, be in pain, and be ashamed.

Shame and self-injury might reproduce and amplify each other, turning self-harm into something akin to a cycle of shame and self-injury. Self-harm is often caused by uncomfortable social interactions where the person feels overwhelmed and sometimes afraid. Instead of dissociating, the person chooses to cut or burn themselves.

To further explain, consider the cycle of self-harm being utilized to push away shame while no one else knows of their struggles. Being among others where you feel a high level of discomfort often triggers shame. The shame makes one want to harm themselves and others, and around you go in the cycle of self-harm and shame.

Some physicians believe that people who self-injure are unable to self-soothe or regulate their emotions or suffer from a mental illness (Gunnarson, 2021).

The Emotional Toll of Self-Harm

There are emotional ramifications of harming oneself. While physical effects are apparent, self-harm causes great emotional harm as well. People who harm themselves often feel devastated and tormented by their behavior and emotional ties to self-harm.

One possible reason someone will continue to self-harm is the positive feelings it may bring. These might include any of the following:

• One feels a sense of release because of the release of happy neurotransmitters.
• One feels a sense of control.
• Self-harming behavior offers distractions from overwhelming emotions and circumstances.
• Helps in the expression of complex feelings.

Once a person has begun to self-harm, it can quickly become an addictive process where they become dependent on harming themselves to relieve emotional pressure.

Shame often quickly follows self-harming behavior, leaving the survivor feeling out of control and frightened. One need not feel shame for self-harm because it was all you knew at the time to ease your emotional distress.

Because self-harm is so addictive, defeating it can be challenging, but it can be done.

The Physical Toll of Self-Harm

When someone cuts, burns, or otherwise attempts to harm themselves, they take an enormous risk of infection, tetanus, MRSA, or other problems. Most people who self-harm do not take precautions and are at significant risk of causing themselves greater harm than they intended or even dying.

Taking an overdose or any other form of suicidal behavior is another way your physical self and is the ultimate form of self-harm. Having lived through a suicide attempt in the ’90s, I can tell you firsthand that suicide is not the answer as it is; as the saying goes, “a permanent solution to a temporary problem.”

Perhaps the hardest thing to face is the aftermath of self-harming behavior because sometimes you cannot hide what happened to you. The embarrassment is harsh and takes you down into the depths of hell as your trust in yourself is destroyed.

Things to Do to Help You Not Self-Harm

By now, you might feel hopeless or helpless to stop yourself from hurting yourself. You might have relived the last time you hurt yourself. But you need not feel either as you turned to what you thought was the best method of handling your most brutal emotions.

The first step in ending your patterns of self-harm is to try to understand them so you can comprehend what causes your urges. It is vital to remember that even when you cannot stop yourself from harming your body, you can reflect on what happened, enabling you to take a hard look at your triggers. Knowing your triggers can significantly enhance your ability to stop them next time.

Next, learn to recognize the triggers that cause you to want to hurt yourself. These triggers might be people, anniversary dates, sensations, people, a specific thinking process, or strong emotions.

You can also help yourself by noting what happened before you self-harmed. These notes may include asking yourself if you have any particular thoughts. Also, did a situation, object, or person remind you of a trauma in your past? When you realize your triggers, you can begin learning how to handle them without hurting yourself.

Learn to know the physical sensations that you experience before you self-harm. These sensations may include:

• A racing heart
• Feelings of heaviness
• You feel a disconnection from yourself
• You have a loss of sensation
• Feeling strong emotions such as anger or sadness
• Making unhealthy decisions
• Trying your best to avoid your feelings and emotions

In recognizing your urges, you can take the necessary steps to reduce or stop your self-harming behaviors.

Lastly, another technique to avoid self-harm is to wait five minutes before you do it to give you time to think. This technique can feel challenging, so it is important not to kick yourself because you can’t wait that long. Instead, be loving to yourself, and you will gradually build up time gaps when you think about self-harming.

Ending Our Time Together

I have survived two serious suicides and numerous self-harming incidents. It isn’t easy living in a world that is so uncertain and a little more than just scary. It is only natural that our brains look for a way to ease our emotional turmoil.

Self-harm is a coping mechanism, but it is also dangerous as when you cut or otherwise harm yourself, you are telling yourself that you don’t matter when that couldn’t be farther from the truth.

After my suicide attempt in the 1990s, I didn’t trust myself. I was terrified that the urge to harm myself would grow strong again, and I didn’t want to do that. What helped me was being open and honest about my emotions and that I had used other self-harming techniques instead of suicide.

Being honest with my therapist and my loved ones gave me integrity and a strong sense that I was in control of my life. Psychotherapy was the answer, along with some medications that helped with my other diagnosis of Major Depressive Disorder.

Everyone is different, so what worked for me may not work for you. However, I hope you will give healing a chance.

I hope this piece has opened the door to your healing; I know it has helped mine.

If you or someone you love is engaging in self-harming behaviors, please call 988, the national suicide prevention hotline. The person who picks up the phone will be a highly trained counselor who can help you discover your next steps.

“Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.” – Lucius Annaeus Seneca.

“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past, I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone, there will be nothing. Only I will remain.” – Frank Herbert.

References

Gunnarsson, N. V. (2021). The self-perpetuating cycle of shame and self-injury. Humanity & Society, 45(3), 313-333.

Shirley Davis

My name is Shirley Davis and I am a freelance writer with over 40-years- experience writing short stories and poetry. Living as I do among the corn and bean fields of Illinois (USA), working from home using the Internet has become the best way to communicate with the world. My interests are wide and varied. I love any kind of science and read several research papers per week to satisfy my curiosity. I have earned an Associate Degree in Psychology and enjoy writing books on the subjects that most interest me.

www.learnaboutdid.com

Why do I need service dogs? Because I, like many, am on the road to recovery from complex trauma. I have been high-functioning most of my life. I’ve found ways to manage or cope with stress or trauma, but I’ve never actually dealt with the root causes. And I’m far from alone.

High-functioning mental illness 

We’re workaholics; the rocks others build on. We’re responsible, empathetic, and understanding. We’re on personal journeys and have personal missions. We do well in school, at work, or in social situations. We’re critical thinkers that find structural solutions; we’re bridge-builders. Leaders in times of crisis or change. The founders of good initiatives. The shoulders to cry on, the confidants, the advisors.

That’s our strength, as well as our weakness. We’re high-functioning alcoholics. Our amazing work ethic is actually an unhealthy way to avoid dealing with our untreated traumas. We excel in hobbies or physical activities because we’re desperately trying to feel better. Our empathy, understanding, and responsible natures are partially due to coping with stress and trauma.

We fight the good fight because no one fought for us. We are depressed. We are anxious. We are hyper-vigilant. The simplest things take us monstrous effort. We are burned out.

Not getting the help we really need, when we need it

The flip side of being high functioning is that when we reach our breaking point, we often don’t get the help, understanding, or support that we need. Most people can’t accept that we come across as well-adjusted, but we’re just managing our disease or even surviving day-to-day. That we desperately need AND deserve help and support.

Not getting help can lead to self-harm and self-destructive behavior

Self-harm is not uncommon for people who suffer from complex trauma disorders. Self-destructive behavior is definitely not unheard of. Especially in small communities with limited resources.

“Have you heard…?”
“Can you believe…!” 
“Well, I never!” 

The amount of gossip and surprised reactions when high-functioning people start falling apart is a normal day in the park for us. We’re not surprised. We can most definitely believe it. Most of us are painfully aware that we could be next. Or have already been there? It’s also the reason why a lot of high-functioning people don’t come out openly as having poor mental health or mental illness.

There’s already a taboo when it comes to talking about trauma. There’s a taboo on being adversely affected by trauma. There’s a stigma on seeking professional help for poor mental health or mental illness. But the social consequences when you haven’t dealt with trauma and you ultimately turn to self-harm or self-destructive behavior? Being the object of ridicule and social ostracism because you didn’t get the help you needed when you needed it. There’s nothing quite like it.

The ultimate “remedy”

That’s what I write about in a nutshell: my road to recovery. 

I write:

• Informative articles
• Op-ed pieces
• Personal blog entries
• Articles about advocacy and activism

But mostly I write about human nature and human rights. Because at the end of the day, my complex trauma is just a tiny part of who I am. 

I am a Renaissance Woman and Modern Entrepreneur. An avid reader, amateur writer, patient advocate, and complex trauma experience expert. A lifelong student of human nature and human rights.

My background may be complex. My disease may be complex. My life may be complex.

But at the end of the day, I’m Just Julie. A human being just like you.

Suicide is the last stop for people like me. I, and many like me, have lost a lot of people to suicide. While the rest of my environment is shocked, grieving, and taken by surprise, I am shocked, suppressing my grief, and not surprised at all. These people are my people. These people are my tribe.

I tried to hang myself when I was 12. It was pure chance that I failed.

No one knew at the time. And no one suspected or noticed how badly I was doing. My suicide attempt wasn’t a cry for help. It wasn’t a way to get attention. It was the only escape for me from an impossibly bleak situation and immediate future.

Sometimes failure is a good thing

I didn’t tell anyone about my suicide attempt until the following year. 

I connected with a cousin who was a lot like me in a lot of ways. He was also well-adjusted, but silently suffering from depression, anxiety, and suicidal ideation. Like me, his attempts at seeking support or understanding had worked counter-productively.

To me this connection was profound. It had taken me 14 years, but here was one person who got me. If there was one, there might be more. If there were more, there might be others who knew why I was the way I was. And maybe someone, somewhere had figured out how to live with being like me.

It’s a journey, not a destination

And that’s what I’ve been doing ever since. What I’ve been working towards. Not always consciously. Sometimes with detrimental results. Riddled with periods of complete and utter dejection; times when I cannot function.

But I also learned a lot. Met people who know a lot. Learned a lot of life lessons. Tried a lot of different things. I’m nowhere near my destination, but I’m on my way.

Self-Actualization

At various times in my life, I have been trying to self-actualize. And that helps me manage my disease better than anything else I tried in the past 42 years.

Part of my quest has been to learn about trauma and trauma disorders. That’s what led me to re-frame a key question.

What everyone has always asked, and what I’ve always wondered is:

What is wrong with me?

-Me, the first 42 years of my life

Current research suggests that when dealing with complex trauma it helps to re-frame the question into:

What happened to me that makes me the way I am?

-Me, the past 3 years

Since childhood, I have been wondering what is wrong with me. I have been told over and over that there’s something wrong with me. Have been punished for saying the wrong things or doing the wrong things. 

It turns out that what is ‘wrong’ with me is that I have perfectly normal reactions to abnormal, traumatic situations. What’s ‘wrong’ with me is that I have never dealt with my traumatic past, just been trying to fix symptoms. Not finding or treating the root causes.

Road to recovery

That’s what I write about in a nutshell: my road to recovery. 

I write:

• Informative articles
• Op-ed pieces
• Personal blog entries
• Articles about advocacy and activism

But mostly I write about human nature and human rights. Because at the end of the day, my complex trauma is just a tiny part of who I am. 

I am a Renaissance Woman and Modern Entrepreneur. An avid reader, amateur writer, patient advocate, and complex trauma experience expert. A lifelong student of human nature and human rights.

My background may be complex. My disease may be complex. My life may be complex.

But at the end of the day, I’m Just Julie. A human being just like you.

Julie Faruba

Julie is a renaissance woman. Mental health patient advocate. Certified compliance professional. Avid reader. Amateur writer. Passionate dancer. Animal friend. Life-long student. Free speech proponent. Human rights champion. Devil’s advocate debater. Complex Trauma Experience Expert.

jsfaruba.com

My journey with mental health has always been a revolving door of experimentation with practices and tools. Just as we change inevitably so do our needs and the tools we use to meet those needs. For me, grounding has been paramount to my healing and day-to-day health and well-being yet so have to be flexible and keep an open mind. Many times when our lives are shaken by mental health its an indication that something is not working; but where so often we might find stability in our habits, routines, environment, and the people we surround ourselves with we often fail to give credit to or see the importance of finding our own inner anchor. Our Inner anchor not only helps us weather whatever storm might be brewing in our outside world but is also essential to grounding as we heal and undergo dramatic and powerful changes internally.

Mindfulness and self-reflection have been a huge part of my healing journey. While they are tools for me they are more so values that I create tools and habits and make decisions around. At a young age, I found myself floundering in childhood trauma and the mental health symptoms that it had created. I was not in a safe and supportive environment to begin to make sense of my experiences being that my trauma had originated from home. While I did not have the awareness or capacity to verbalize what I was feeling, my behavior and symptoms told the story for me. Slowly my ADD became ticks and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. My grades in school were at an all-time low and I could barely function at home. After getting put on medication the symptoms began to subside but something deeper inside me was still unsettled. Around this time my mother bought me a book on meditation and I began sitting in the dark in my bedroom with a candle silently for 5 minutes at a time. Solitude was something I was becoming used to after not being able to attend school and while I felt alone it gave me time to be with my thoughts.
My emotions, inner pain, and anger were a compass I was discovering and the more I spent with myself the more they were dying to be expressed. As I became more acquainted with my inner world, poetry became a natural tool I soon discovered to transmute the raw feelings I felt. It was an excavation process and the more I found myself dedicated to giving these hidden emotions life the lighter I became and the stronger my own inner compass grew. I began to learn what loyalty to myself truly meant and was willing to speak my truth among friends and family. Through trial and error, I would watch how I would discover my own triggers, reactivity, and self-sabotage. 

After the stress and overwhelm in my home life became so unbearable in late high school I ended up stabbing myself in the arm and ended up in the psychiatric hospital. Realizing my home environment was no longer a safe or healthy option for me after high school, I ended up on the street. There, a safe distance from my family where I had felt so unable to understand the pain and trauma I had experienced, I began to remember sexual abuse from my father. As my world fell apart I knew I needed help and once again I came back to myself. Sifting through the inner chaos I struggled to decide what to do. As I began pushing people away from the overwhelm of my situation something deeper inside me spoke and I knew my friend who had been with me this whole time was the only safe person I could trust. I began to realize that my inner voice had guided me far enough away from my family so I could feel and discover this and now I had a choice. I could keep running and potentially die as I could barely take care of myself in the overwhelmed or tell my friend, get help, and face what I had remembered. Finally just as I had almost pushed him completely away right as he was about to leave me I made the decision to tell him. 

The Fear melted as I exploded into tears and shared with him about the abuse from my father. The lid was off and now I stood face to face with the pain and weight I had been carrying around. My therapist later would describe me as a leaky box. I had no clue how to contain the enormity or weight of my pain or the abandonment I felt. With one decision to stop running, I lost the idea of a family and began to see my life through a different lens. It was painful but it was a new chance, a chance to change things where I couldn’t have before. Getting off the street and healing from my trauma wasn’t immediate but required me to continuously say yes to myself and keep pivoting towards a life with less pain. Pain in fact was my compass and as I began talking about what I had been through the emotions became lighter and instead of drowning in overwhelm my emotions became more potent and distinguishable. I began to learn more deeply what it felt like to trust myself, to say no when something didn’t feel right. To not hold in my anger and instead use it to set boundaries and skillfully express myself instead of exploding and lashing out at people or quietly being resentful and to love in a way that came from my own self-respect and not out of the need to please for fear of being abandoned.

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Jeff Spiteri

Jeff Spiteri is an author of the unpublished book ‘The Bridge Within’ a memoir chronicling his experiences as a homeless young adult riding freight trains around the United States and the childhood trauma he uncovered along the way. Jeff is proud to use his voice as an instrument of influence, guidance and impact with young adults and educators sharing his experiences and tools for resilience and healing.

www.thebridgewithin.com

** TRIGGER WARNING – Mention of self-harm/ injury. ** Take care when reading this article.

I don’t exactly remember when I started self-injuring, probably around 11 years old. I scratched the back of my hands or used sharp objects to scratch my arms. How superficial it was at this stage; my inner pain and terror were real. I wasn’t allowed to express my inner turmoil; my actions and my behaviour spoke louder but were ridiculed and minimised. I was being a teenager, a very difficult one. I was told I had nothing in my head and was always unhappy to start with.

Much later in my life, after years of not physically harming myself, one evening brought strong rejection/ abandonment trauma up and I cut myself. It was no longer superficial. I did it for years, secretly. I also starved myself. I wanted to disappear, or better still: I wanted to die. The thing was: I was a mother. A stressed out, single mother with little support. So, I held on, one day at a time. It left me exhausted though. My pain needed out. When I was really unwell, I overdosed a few times, one of them I was driven to A&E. Taking meds, any meds in the hope to fall into oblivion, even just for a few minutes is another form of self-harm. It is also dangerous to our bodies, even if we survive.

There are millions of reasons why someone hurt themselves. Most of the time it can be traced back to a stressful or traumatic event. For children and teenagers, victims of abuse at home or/and at school, who have nobody to turn to, or who have reached out but have been dismissed, the pain, the sadness, and the feeling of abandonment are deep. Without a safe outlet and a safe person to experience these raw emotional flashbacks with, the pressure builds up and needs to be let out. For me, it was also to show how much I was hurting on the inside as I have been told I don’t look depressed or traumatised. Because of my appearance, my difficulties weren’t taken seriously.

The question to ask, isn’t: “Why are you hurting yourself?” but: “What is hurting you?”, or “What is happening to you?” Whatever comes up, needs to be accepted as it is. Sometimes, we don’t get any answers: the pain is so overwhelming, it is hard to express through words, especially for children and teenagers. “It is no big deal. I don’t want to talk about it.” this is a hard response to accept. As parents. we want to know so we can make it all better. As friends, we want to help too.

If young people’s suffering is being downplayed because “They are teenagers.” Adults who self-injure are called childish, and immature. For all, this behaviour is labeled as a cry for help, attention seeking. It is a cry for help, one that has been left unheard, or worse completely ignored, for too long. It isn’t attention seeking, it is connection seeking. We, human beings, thrive and heal through connections, loving, accepting, and safe/ respectful connections.

In the instance someone you love is self-harming, pushing for an answer, for a conversation, a resolution isn’t helpful. We can’t shame anyone into recovery. We can’t love anyone into recovery either. The priority needs to be ourselves so we can keep on being this kind, accepting loving presence for our closest and dearest, who are suffering. For parents. it is heartbreaking. Of course, our responsibility is to keep our children safe and if the self-harm means our children land in A&E, it is distressing. No matter what we do to avoid any more injuries, they find ways to do so. We might feel guilty for not being more vigilant. We might start going through their bedroom and hiding blades, knives, etc. We are on alert and worried. Self-care still needs to be a priority so we can be a lighthouse in our children’s turbulent times. Mind offers good guidance on their website: “Helping someone who self-Harm”. And Mumsnet has a wonderful article: “What you can do if you know or suspect your teenager is self-harming“

If you are self-harming/ injuring: I am sorry you are in so much pain. I know you aren’t being difficult, or dramatic. You are hurting and your experience matter. I really hope you have at least one person you can turn to, someone you can really rely on. I also know that many of you don’t have such a person in your life. Getting access to affordable person-centered, trauma-informed, and compassionate therapies is harder than ever because of the lack of funds and the never-ending economic crisis. You can check the links below for help.  You aren’t being immature, and you aren’t disordered. You are suffering.

The mind gives tips for coping with urges to self-harm right now

The way I was able to stop self-cutting was by reminding myself that I will no longer hurt myself the way my family hurt me. I started to eat again when I started to approach this behaviour with Self-Compassion. Was it easy? Is it easy? No. It is an ongoing process. The way someone can stop themselves from hurting themselves is very personal. There is no one solution fitting all. The best remedies are patience, loving kindness, acceptance and (self) Compassion while safely exploring what lies beneath the physical wounds.

Helpful websites:

• stem4
• National Self Harm Network (NSHN)
• Harmless.org
• Young Minds
• Childline
• healthtalk
• Mind (For Adults)

Love & Light

Sylvie

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Sylvie Rouhani

Writer – Blogger – Poet – Mental Health and Child Abuse Activist

Deputy Editor and Journalist for Taxpayers Against Poverty

Author of The Blossoming Lotus”

https://www.austinmacauley.com/book/blossoming-lotus

New Website: Breaking The Cycles

https://breakingthecycles.co.uk/

breakingthecycles.co.uk

Add wings to your trauma recovery by using The Three C’s. 

Choice– coming to believe you have the power to choose.

I stayed in a relationship with my abusers for over fifty years. You don’t think they maintained that kind of power by telling me the truth, do you? They never said, “Hey, Rebekah, by the way, everything I’ve been telling you is a lie. You are the one who actually has all the power—and, as a separate person, you have the right, even the obligation to say no to me. Abusive people aren’t going to give you that gift. You have to take it. 

Commitment-It’s going to take everything you have.

In the same way, CPTSD symptoms dominate your life, healing from them will require an equal amount of time and effort. Focus on your commitment. Remember the long game. While one of the greatest rewards of healing is getting your life back, there is an even greater reason to pursue it. You are taking a stand against darkness and the effect it has on you and the people you love. Healing is a quest. It is a journey. It is sacred. It is the reason for being alive. 

Connection-It’s going to take healthy relationships.

There’s no getting around this one. Human beings are made to exist in relationships. That’s just one of the reasons “relational trauma” does so much damage. As a focus of your commitment to healing, be intentional about the relationships you pursue and the ones you are currently in. Practice saying no to unhealthy people and saying yes to the ones that support your healing journey.

Healing from trauma is not easy. Why? Why can’t I just do the three things above and in a couple of months be over it? Why do I have to practice and practice, go forward a few steps, back up, start again, re-group, etc? Because there are obstacles that stand in our way. I’d like to address the most powerful one. 

Author Stephanie Foo calls it: The Dread. Another name for it—is perceived threat. You may have heard it described as anxiety or fear. Whatever you call it, it is powerful and pesters us, trying to get us to give up. It can even keep us from beginning a journey toward healing at all. It is the thing that motivates abusers to be abusive and it is the way abusers keep you plugged into their system.

Driving through Virginia in the early hours of a mid-summer morning, everything is covered in white fog. Humidity creates clouds of steam that rise from the pavement. It coats the grass and covers the trees, even rising from the surface of a pond. In a similar way, The Dread makes it difficult to see the truth. It skews our perception, and we will do anything to avoid it. Giving up may seem like the best option. It is not. For our Star Trek fans, remember the Borg? “Resistance is futile.” This is what The Dread tells us. It lies. 

Resistance is the path to hope. Use The Dread against itself. It’s telling you there is a problem. Take time to dismantle it with the truth despite how you feel. How does it tie into your past? Wield the weapon of choice, make a commitment and pursue connection. Defy trauma, and embrace joy!

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Rebekah Brown

Rebekah Brown, a native of the south, now resides in the Great American West. Surviving a complicated and abusive family system makes her unique writing style insightful as well as uplifting. Rebekah is the proud mother of two and grandmother of four.

I almost killed myself at 13. I stayed home from school one day and told my mother I had a migraine. My plan was to swallow the bottle of migraine medicine my doctor had just prescribed me. I don’t remember which medicine it was; I don’t even know if it would have worked. I don’t know why I didn’t go through with it. I just didn’t. The universe is funny that way. 

No one ever found out about it. I didn’t share my almost-attempt with anyone, not until I was 21, in college, going to therapy. I buried it so deep inside myself I forgot it had even happened. I lied to myself about my suicidality for years. I didn’t want to be suicidal. I didn’t want anyone to know that I was suicidal. That I still am. There is so much shame in suicide. 

I still don’t know what to say when I do something dangerous and my friends ask me why. You’ve survived so much, they say. Do you want to die?

Just not sure.

I want now what I wanted at 13, 16, 17, 19, 21, and 23. A reprieve. A break. Some relief. 

I wanted someone – anyone – to see how much I was hurting, to take some of that pain away. I tried everything: sex, alcohol, cutting. I was quiet about these behaviors. I had to be. No one could know what I was doing to myself, just as no one could know why I was doing it. Especially not the adults, who would’ve told my mom. When she found out I was cutting myself she said slit your wrists and kill yourself. 

And my little sisters. They couldn’t know I wasn’t okay. That most days I hurt so bad dying would have been a relief. How I hated myself for feeling that way, for considering the possibility of abandoning them, leaving them alone with my mother. My mother, a poor, volatile, single mom who is always sick with something. 

Back then, I was a suicidal teenager who cut herself almost every day. I was also researching emancipation. Researching foster children and runaways and what becomes of them. 

I still don’t know whether what my mother did to me was actually abuse or just a rough childhood. We didn’t get along after I started middle school. Some days, I’d get home from school and she was happy. Other days, I avoided her however I could because I was afraid. She didn’t hit me; she only ever got physical a handful of times. She yelled and threw things and slammed doors. She refused to buy me things I needed: clothes, school supplies, and toiletries. Mostly, she used her words. Threats and insults and obscenities. My sisters were still little then. Still good in my mother’s eyes. She would hurt them too, but not until I was moved out and far away. 

My mother was my best friend until I turned 11. 

I have a list I run through every day in my head. 

The mile markers of my childhood, are categorized by the grade I was in when each thing happened:

Second grade: we got evicted from our apartment. My mom, my sisters, and I moved in with her mom, my grandma. My dad moved in with his mom. My best friend Brooke died.

Fourth grade: we moved to New Jersey.

Fifth grade: my grandpa died.

Sixth grade: my mother’s car was repossessed. My step grandma kicked us out of her house. For a couple nights, we were homeless. My 9 year old sister attempted suicide. In her letter, she said she was sorry but that she knew I would be happy. 

Seventh grade: I changed middle schools and met the boys who would become my best friends. I was sexually assaulted. I almost attempted suicide. 

Ninth grade: I cut myself so deep I thought I might die. It was an accident. My history teacher noticed the bandage on my arm and I made up a story but he reported it to my guidance counselor anyway. She promised not to tell my mom if I agreed to meet with her every week. 

Tenth grade: we got evicted from our apartment. I moved in with the family I babysat for. The family I still come home to on the holidays. My adopted mom and dad, my bonus siblings. I stopped cutting myself. I found my family.

Eleventh grade: we moved to Myrtle Beach. I moved out of my mother’s house for the last time. I got a job at McDonald’s. I was raped. 

Twelfth grade: I got into almost every college I applied to. I could only afford the University of Tampa, so that’s where I went. My sister attempted suicide for the second time.  

It’s always been hard work, keeping myself alive. I know now that I didn’t want to die at 13, not really. I wanted a way out. An escape. Somewhere I felt safe. 

In New Jersey, where I spent most of my childhood, there were temporary escapes: my best friends who lived down the street, cheerleading practice, sleepovers, babysitting. These escapes were like Advil: they kept the pain at bay. 

When my mother moved my sisters and I from New Jersey to South Carolina, I lost those escapes. We moved in with one of her old coworkers and her six adopted children. We rationed food and had a cleaning schedule. There were two dogs, four cats, and eight kittens. Everyone fought. My mother’s threats grew worse. She said she was done taking care of me. 

And she was. When I ran out of deodorant and asked if she could buy more, she said no.  

That’s when I got my first job in the service industry. I was a front-of-house worker at McDonald’s. I used the money I made to pay for all of my necessities: toiletries and clothes, and oftentimes my own groceries. I worked everyday after school, sometimes walking 40 minutes from my high school to my job. Work became the one thing I had that my mother couldn’t take away from me. Having my own income helped me survive, but the work itself and the people I worked with kept me alive. 

Once, when we were arguing in the car, my mother told me to get out on the side of the highway and I did. We were still new to South Carolina and I didn’t know where I was. I called my coworker Jackie. She was the only number I had and we’d worked together maybe three times. She and her boyfriend drove up and down 501 until they found me. They didn’t ask questions. We went to Chick-Fil-A and got ice cream and drove around some more until I remembered how to breathe. When I saw Jackie at work the next day she smiled and said are you ready to learn how to use the headset? 

I smiled too. They only let the good employees work the drive-thru, and I was becoming one of them.  

During our busy hours, there was so much to do I didn’t have time to think about what I might walk into when I got home or how much easier everything would be if I just died. I focused on what was right in front of me: memorizing orders, handing greasy paper bags out the window to our customers, ensuring no one forgot their coke or sweet tea, and double-checking the sauces in each bag. Most of my coworkers hated the night shift. We usually got slammed right before we were supposed to get off, especially during the summer. 

I welcomed the rushes. Getting through every peak assured me that all turbulence passes. That chaos and hardship and stress are all survivable. I wasn’t safe at home. My new school made me anxious and afraid. 

McDonald’s was my haven. 

I got good at running the drive thru alone. I could take orders on the headset, make drinks, bag food, and hand it out the window all on my own. I got so good my manager let me assign everyone’s positions at the beginning of each shift. He let me give breaks and make cuts. My coworkers came to know I was in charge when I was working. Most of the cooks were older, college-age. Front of house was mostly high school girls, like me. 

Everyone was kind. 

That December, I got a text from the woman my family had been staying with, telling me my mom had moved out and taken my sisters with her. She said she didn’t know where they went but I could stay with her. My mother was gone and I was alone. Afraid. Relieved that my mother was gone and devastated that I didn’t know where my sisters were. I reread the text, cried in the break room. 

I cried a lot in the break room. No one ever passed judgment or pried. They understood I was 16, 17, 18, and alone. Motherless, fatherless. Some days it hurt so much it numbed me into nothing. My coworkers weren’t unsettled when I had those days. Jackie said I could sleepover whenever I wanted to. So did Macy and her mom. They both worked there, that’s how Macy and I became friends. We had the same days off. We went to amusement parks and ate Taco Bell on the beach at night. 

On weekends I drank with the boys: Alfred and Benji and X. They were all good friends, but Benji especially took care of me. He snuck extra vegetables in my snack wraps when he was working. We were only supposed to get chicken, lettuce, and cheese, but I’m a vegetarian so for me it was just lettuce and cheese. He’d give me cucumbers and tomatoes, and extra extra honey mustard. Sometimes, on slow days, he’d even put salt and pepper on them for me. The first time he did it I was so surprised. I hadn’t asked for anything extra. This was a kindness unfamiliar to me. 

When it was cold or he wasn’t feeling well I made him tea with lemon and honey. He said I made it really well, and I was proud to be able to offer him something. 

This is love, I think.

I don’t know whether any of them knew that their kindnesses kept me alive. That I thought about work whenever I felt the impulse to cut myself or pop the leftover oxy I found in the bathroom closet when we first moved to Myrtle Beach.  I considered my coworkers my protectors. I felt valuable when I ran the drive thru. Those last two years of high school, McDonald’s gave me comfort and purpose and safety. 

I had no family at home and no friends at school. My life was a dead zone. 

McDonald’s was my lifeblood. It’s been seven years since I worked my last shift there. I probably wouldn’t recognize anyone anymore. And yet. I still keep in touch with a couple of my coworkers. Benji and Macy. 

They know where I’ve been, how hard I fought to not die. How hard I am still fighting. They are still kind and supportive, still life-giving. 

Even now, the Carolina Forest McDonald’s keeps me alive. I breathe for the job and the people that saved my life. I breathe for the girl I was there; young and afraid and alone and desperate to have anyone or anything to hold onto.

I am 25 now, a graduate student with one year left in my degree. I am free of my biological mother. This is my own life; a life I built for myself. 

Recently, I attended a suicide prevention training. I volunteer at a resource center in my area, where we do a lot of crisis intervention. During training, we talked about asking the person directly if they are feeling suicidal and persuading them to get help and developing a safety plan to keep them alive. It’s called QPR: Question, Persuade, Refer. We talked about how suicide isn’t actually about dying but regaining some control over their life. How most individuals who attempt or complete suicide don’t actually want to die – they want their pain to end and they’ve lost sight of a life they can withstand living.

I thought about my own relationship to suicide. How much I’ve struggled with suicidal ideation, and how many people I love who’ve attempted or completed suicide. It hadn’t occurred to me before then that suicide gives someone back a sense of control over their life. That it’s a decision someone makes on their own, something that can’t be taken away from them. That so many people who are suicidal can stay alive if we learn how to listen to them. If we help show them that there is another way out. 

The woman who led the training also talked a lot about practices in living.

Practices in living are everything we do while we’re alive. Shower. Talk on the phone. Sit on the front porch. Go for a walk. Snap our fingers. Breathe. She talked about how when someone who is suicidal calls the hotline the most important thing is that we keep them on the line because as long as they’re still breathing into the microphone they’re still alive; for them, calling the hotline is a practice in living. 

In high school, working at McDonald’s and spending time with my coworkers were my practices in living. Their kindness helped me hold on to hope. Their existence kept me alive.

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Mina Victoria

Mina Victoria is a writer from Georgia, New Jersey, and South Carolina. She is a third-year fiction candidate in Virginia Tech’s MFA in Creative Writing program. She is also the shortest person any of her friends know.

These events have really taken off in the past couple of years. From initially a few hundred pitches over the day agents and publishers can now be bombarded with thousands of pitches an hour. How they wade through all that, I have no idea.

How you stand out as a writer is even harder.

This is where my Complex PTSD enters the picture.

For someone who has grown up in an environment where they were in essence ‘invisible’ learning how to be seen, and heard, and noticed is an exercise in something not only new but frightening in cases. If like me, your home was dysfunctional with explosive anger you might also have learned that being unseen was safer. I learned early that it was better to be the child that didn’t need, or want, or ask.

I learned that lesson so well, so many times that I even made up a little catechism that I recited every night.

Don’t Ask – You’ll be denied.
Don’t Rely – You’ll be disappointed.
Don’t Trust – You’ll be betrayed.

By the time I was 13 I had carved a reminder of this into my arm so I would never forget it again. I still have those scars forty years later.

But, I’m trying not to live by those rules anymore. Trying. The healing doesn’t always go smoothly or in a straight line. Think of it more like a mental health cha-cha. Sometimes you go forward, sometimes you go back. You get the idea.

To tie these two things together – PitMad and CPTSD recovery – think of it as peeling off layers and layers of habitual camouflage. Rule one of PitMad is if you want to ‘win’ an agent’s attention via the event – you have to enter. You must put yourself out there. An agent is not going to come knocking on your door.

The problem isn’t being rejected. The problem is feeling invisible. Like I’m not even being seen in order to have a chance.
Image by 愚木混株 Cdd20 from Pixabay
Words by Author

Participation, putting myself ‘out there’, that means making an active attempt to be seen. That idea just registers in my core as pure insanity.

Be Seen. NO! That’s when ‘bad things’ happen. You get ignored or hurt when you are seen.

Don’t touch it! Just, put the idea down, and slowly step away.

One day you finally figure “Meh, I’ll try it.” So, you do. And you hear the worst thing you could. SILENCE.

Why is silence the worst? When in a situation like PitMad it could mean –

• The agent just isn’t looking for a fantasy book about a mentally challenged heroine.
• The agent blinked when your pitch scrolled by.
• They stepped away for a minute (they’re human, too)
• Their dog farted and they had to clear the room.
• They already have a book that is a fantasy about a mentally challenged heroine.

Who knows? There are literally millions of reasons that no one put a little red heart next to your entry. And the competition is stiff. Thousands of entries for all kinds of books scroll by during the day. There is not enough time to respond to them all.

But, though my rational brain knows this, my emotions tie themselves into knots and I’m that small, inconsequential, invisible girl again. Being back in that place makes me wonder if I ever left it at all. Maybe that invisibility is permanent? Perhaps there is nothing I can do to be seen or heard. I will forever be shouting into the void. And, even there, drowned out by millions of others. Never to be more than a dull anonymous speck among stars.

Ouch.

After a few tries you wonder if the voices of the CPTSD are right. You fear you never will be ‘visible’.Part of me contracts with the pain of the idea. Trying to shelter myself from more disappointment. But there is a tiny voice within undulled by all the abuses and fear that whispers – “Try.”

That seed, our original and true self, is the one we must nourish.

So, rest when you must. When you can, move on; sure in the knowledge that the Universe sees you.

Mari Stewart

Currently I’m trying to find a publisher for novel 1. Writing. Writing. Editing. Editing.
And trying to tame the feral kittens that overrun the tiny town I call home.

mari-stewart.com

Can a person with a complex self-harming expression find a healing cure?

For every illness, there is a cure. Many prominent approaches are outside-in, while the healing functions of the psyche are always inside-out.

Outside-in approaches to healing have become commonplace for psychiatric and traditional therapies. These utilize diagnostic criteria based on the observable symptoms.

See for yourself. The clinical definition of self-harm is widely accessible online. From a clinical view, the consensus revolves around the conditions. It then forms into its diagnostic category. Even so, treatment remains unstandardized.  Finding clarity about the ailing state is half the equation. Ultimately, restoring health is primary over the symptoms and its disorder.

An example of outside-in, an article published in 2014 by the Canadian Psychiatric Association, nonsuicidal self-injury (NSSI) has acquired the definition of “the deliberate, direct, self-inflicted destruction of body tissue without suicidal intent…” Within this definition, the cause and remedy are unfindable.

Initially, the DSM-V noted self-harm as an associated symptom of Bipolar Disorder (BPD). Since then, it has become the classification entity, NSSID. While the classification is pending further study, the exploration of viable treatments continues to appear less evident.

Hence, the condition of NSSI or NSSID attributed to a person offers information about the symptoms. It neglects a comprehensive scope of healing options.

In a sense, identifying the diagnosis can be a means to an ambiguous end. Psychiatric remedies for self-harm apply familiar avenues such as atypical antipsychotics and selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors. Remarkably, these approaches are more anecdotal than medically based.

In treating self-harm, many psychotherapies remain in a promising practice phase too. They rely on reusing evidence-based therapies, such as dialectical behavioral therapy, emotion regulation group therapy, or other cognitive-oriented therapies. However, controlled studies have shown moderate efficacy. Clinical Practitioners utilizing these approaches know that the outcomes are variable.

In all fairness, people with self-harming expressions do find a reduction of symptoms by the standards. There are additional options as well. For many preferring an alternative approach or the spiritual, there are equivalent possibilities.

When a person arrives at healing from the inside-out, it has profound results. From this approach, wisdom is at the helm.

As noted in the recent CPTSD Foundation article by Belinda Pyle, “Why Pets Are Better Than People,” she shares her healing and rewarding experiences with a four-leg companion. Animals are considered a viable therapy for recovery from a traumatic past or its related symptomologies.

Restoring health is an inside-out journey of self-discovery and awareness. Healing is mostly an experiential phenomenon. Its origin is the inner light that eclipses the shadows of the condition. By viewing life insightfully, the shadows naturally fade for an experience of well-being. It can happen gradually or shift profoundly.

To encapsulate, a clinical practitioner provides a method. It is not the method for everyone. In another article, “The Dreaded DSM and CPTSD,” Gemma Jones notes many inspiring therapeutic options as alternative possibilities. She cites a few, such as yoga, floating meditation, and the alternative practice of acupuncture.

Transforming self-harm into healthy self-care is reliant upon insightful understanding. By way of inner sight, a person can regain stability and well-being via the inherent potential from within the psyche.

Life is more about the path than its ruts and pits. Undoubtedly, the human psyche is not an invention of science. It is a feature of nature. Within the formless elements of the mind resides the key to unlock the cure to any condition.

The article by Shirley Davis, “Becoming More Resilient,” describes restorative qualities inherent within everyone. The spark of resilience is a profound inner ability in restoring well-being.

There is a clear and present solution for healing within the spirit of the psyche. From the depths of wisdom, the impossible can become a probability.

Many healing from self-harm, an aspect of complex post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD), experience the clouds of condition. It blotts out the light. It can be formidable and destabilizing. Of course, the features within the mind are formless. Within the psyche, any condition can reshape and eventually dissolve as wisdom overrides the debilitating state.

From the depths of the psyche, the cure rises to shift the shallows of condition. No one is born with self-harming. Every self-harm expression is acquired. In a sense, all disorders are a displacement upon a person. These can be “uninstalled” via insightful thinking within the conscious mind. The wisdom within restores completely.

While studies of people restoring health from self-harm or complex trauma are limited, it is evident that many on a healing pathway find profound well-being.

One possibility, restoring health from self-harm or trauma, is an inner phenomenon of reconnecting a conscious pathway deeper than the condition itself. Once healing begins, it unfolds into new levels of awareness from the inside out. Essentially, an inner bridge of wisdom supersedes the shallows of conditions.

While a clinical diagnosis may have a grasp on symptomatic appearances, insight reveals the cause and the potential for an inner cure to restore health. The world is full of conditions. Each person decides if life is a glass half empty or half full. Once symptoms dissolve for a deeper understanding, every experience can transform into a profound gift of living in greater well-being.

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Eric Zuniga

The 3 Principles are evidence-based and used in counseling settings worldwide. Eric provides a variety of 1:1 guidance, such as trauma/poly-survivor support, addiction closure, and relationship counseling. Eric has experienced living beyond traumatic events as a poly-survivor. To share his journey, Eric has created a vlog series called One Spiritual Principle.