Stuck points are rigid, distressing thoughts and beliefs that feel immovable. They often develop as the mind’s attempt to make sense of overwhelming or unresolved trauma. Over time, they can begin to feel like facts, rather than interpretations.

There are, however, ways to better understand, create distance from, and gradually loosen the grip of stuck points. The aim is not forced positivity or denial of pain, but relief through clearer understanding.

Before continuing, it is important to state that nothing here is intended to minimize the scale of your hurt. Trauma pain is real, valid, and deeply personal. Care and sensitivity must remain central. These ideas are offered not as corrections, but as tools.

Stickiness Reflects Hurt

One useful starting point is recognising that the “stickiness” of a stuck point often reflects the magnitude of the hurt that shaped it.

The more severe or enduring the psychological injury, the more rigid the associated belief system may become. This rigidity is not a personal failing; it is the mind’s protective architecture at work.

Viewing stuck points through this lens can provide an aerial perspective. Rather than experiencing the thought as an absolute truth, it becomes possible to see it as an adaptive response to pain. For individuals who respond well to logical framing, this shift alone can create a surprising sense of psychological space.

Hurt Versus Belief

A second critical distinction involves separating two experiences that often become fused:

1. The hurt itself
2. The belief that the hurt can never lessen

Pain and permanence frequently become psychologically entangled. The intensity of distress can generate the convincing impression that relief is impossible.

Recognising that hurt and belief are not the same process is foundational. While pain is an emotional and physiological experience, beliefs are interpretations constructed by the mind. Interpretations, unlike injuries, can be examined.

The belief in permanence can be articulated, observed, questioned, and tested. This does not instantly dissolve distress, but it introduces something vital: variability. Where variability exists, movement becomes possible.

Internal Exemptions

Many trauma survivors unknowingly reinforce stuck points through what might be called exemption thinking.

This often appears as quiet assumptions such as:

• “My pain is different.”
  • “My situation is worse.”
  • “Others may recover, but I cannot.”
  • “No one could understand this.”

These thoughts are rarely defensive in intention. They are protective conclusions drawn from lived experience, yet they function to place suffering outside the reach of change.

When an internal exemption is recognized as a learned construct rather than an objective truth, its authority can begin to soften. Repeated observation and gentle examination weaken the automatic link between distress and inevitability.

The shift may feel modest, but psychologically it represents genuine progress.

Timelines of Stuck Points

Stuck points seldom exist in isolation. They often cluster across a person’s life narrative, for example:

• Mourning for who one could have been (without early life trauma)
  • “Rose-colored” beliefs about life before the trauma
  • Interpretations of the trauma itself
  • A sense of lost or altered time
  • Present-day threat perceptions
  • Future-oriented fears

These timeline-based stuck points can operate simultaneously, producing a compounding effect. Thoughts emerge, trigger distress, fade, and recur in familiar loops.

Few people consciously map these patterns. As a result, the collective impact can feel chaotic and overwhelming.

Timeline mapping introduces structure. When stuck points are externalized and located along a life narrative, they become observable rather than diffuse. This process often produces an initial sense of relief simply through organization.

More importantly, it allows for examination. Patterns, themes, and shared assumptions become visible. Re-framing can then occur at the level of interpretation, rather than emotion.

A Different Relationship With Thoughts

Ultimately, overcoming stuck points is rarely about eliminating thoughts–it is about changing one’s relationship with them.

Stuck points lose power not when they are suppressed, but when they are seen clearly. Observed thoughts become experiences rather than commands. Beliefs become hypotheses rather than certainties.

This is a gradual process. Relief often arrives in increments, rather than breakthroughs. Small moments of cognitive flexibility accumulate into meaningful change.

Progress may look like:

• Noticing a thought without immediately believing it
  • Recognizing an exemption pattern in real time
  • Identifying variability where once there was certainty
  • Experiencing distress without assuming permanence

These shifts can feel subtle, yet they represent profound psychological movement.

Conclusion: Movement Before Relief

One of the most misleading aspects of trauma recovery is the expectation that relief must come before movement.

In reality, movement usually precedes relief.

The early signs of change are often cognitive rather than emotional. A thought feels slightly less absolute. A belief becomes slightly more negotiable. A reaction feels marginally less automatic.

These are not minor developments. They are indicators that psychological flexibility is returning.

Healing rarely involves disproving pain. It involves loosening the conclusions that pain once demanded.

Stuck points are persuasive because they were formed under conditions where rigidity was necessary. Their persistence reflects history, not destiny.

Relief does not emerge from force, argument, or denial. It emerges from repeated moments of recognition, observation, and gentle revision.

Not sudden transformation, but steady, cumulative movement.

And movement, however small it may appear, is never trivial.

Timelines graphic property of the author.

Guest Post Disclaimer: This guest post is for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing shared here, across CPTSDfoundation.org, any CPTSD Foundation website, our associated communities, or our Social Media accounts, is intended to substitute for or supersede the professional advice and direction of your medical or mental health providers. The thoughts and opinions expressed are those of the guest author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CPTSD Foundation. For further details, please review the following: Terms of Service, Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer

www.reliefandhope.com

Citations: 

1. Stuck Points / Rigid Trauma Beliefs

The article’s description of stuck points directly corresponds with Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT).

Key Source

Resick, P. A., Monson, C. M., & Chard, K. M. (2017).
Cognitive Processing Therapy for PTSD: A Comprehensive Manual. Guilford Press.

CPT formally defines stuck points as maladaptive beliefs that interfere with recovery, particularly around safety, trust, power/control, esteem, and intimacy.

Supporting Theory

Ehlers, A., & Clark, D. M. (2000).
A cognitive model of posttraumatic stress disorder. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 38(4), 319-345.

This model explains how persistent PTSD symptoms are maintained by negative appraisals of the trauma and its consequences, which is conceptually identical to stuck thinking.

2. “Stickiness Reflects Hurt” / Rigidity as Protection

The idea that rigidity scales with psychological injury is strongly supported by trauma and schema research.

Foundational Work

Janoff-Bulman, R. (1992).
Shattered Assumptions: Towards a New Psychology of Trauma. Free Press.

Trauma disrupts core beliefs about safety, predictability, and self-worth. The mind compensates by forming rigid meaning structures.

Neurocognitive Support

Brewin, C. R. (2001).
A cognitive neuroscience account of posttraumatic stress disorder. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 39(4), 373-393.

Brewin’s dual representation theory explains why trauma memories and beliefs become highly persistent and emotionally charged.

Clinical Framing

Foa, E. B., Hembree, E., & Rothbaum, B. O. (2007).
Prolonged Exposure Therapy for PTSD. Oxford University Press.

Emphasises that avoidance and cognitive rigidity function as learned survival responses, not pathology.

3. Hurt vs Belief / Pain vs Interpretation

This distinction maps onto core cognitive therapy principles.

Classic Cognitive Model

Beck, A. T. (1976).
Cognitive Therapy and the Emotional Disorders. International Universities Press.

Beck differentiates between automatic thoughts and emotional reactions, showing beliefs are modifiable even when distress is intense.

PTSD-Specific Support

Ehlers & Clark (2000)

Persistent distress is maintained not by the trauma itself, but by appraisals and interpretations.

4. Exemption Thinking / “Mine Is Different”

This concept aligns strongly with cognitive distortions, schema maintenance, and cognitive fusion (ACT).

ACT / Cognitive Fusion

Hayes, S. C., Strosahl, K., & Wilson, K. G. (1999).
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. Guilford Press.

Cognitive fusion describes the process where thoughts are experienced as literal truths rather than mental events.

Schema Rigidity

Young, J. E., Klosko, J. S., & Weishaar, M. E. (2003).
Schema Therapy: A Practitioner’s Guide. Guilford Press.

Schemas persist through self-reinforcing interpretations such as perceived uniqueness of suffering.

PTSD Belief Maintenance

Resick et al. (2017)

CPT explicitly identifies beliefs like:

• “I am permanently damaged”
  • “No one can understand”
  • “The world is completely unsafe”

5. Rumination / Thought Loops

The discussion of looping thoughts is strongly supported.

Major Authority

Nolen-Hoeksema, S. (2000).
The role of rumination in depressive and anxiety disorders. Journal of Abnormal Psychology, 109(3), 504-511.

Rumination intensifies and prolongs distress by repeatedly activating negative belief networks.

PTSD-Specific Research

Michael, T., Halligan, S. L., Clark, D. M., & Ehlers, A. (2007).
Rumination in PTSD. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 45(11), 2683-2692.

Rumination maintains PTSD symptoms by reinforcing maladaptive appraisals.

6. Timeline Effects / Compounding Stuck Points

This aligns with narrative identity and trauma memory integration research.

Narrative & Trauma Memory

Schauer, M., Neuner, F., & Elbert, T. (2011).
Narrative Exposure Therapy. Hogrefe Publishing.

NET explicitly uses lifeline / timeline mapping to organise traumatic memories and beliefs.

Autobiographical Memory Disruption

Rubin, D. C., Berntsen, D., & Bohni, M. K. (2008).
A memory-based model of PTSD. Psychological Review, 115(4), 985-1011.

PTSD involves disturbances in autobiographical memory coherence across time.

Identity & Trauma

McAdams, D. P. (2001).
The psychology of life stories. Review of General Psychology, 5(2), 100-122.

Trauma reorganises identity narratives and future projections.

7. Reframing & Cognitive Flexibility

The emphasis on gradual loosening is very consistent with modern therapy models.

Cognitive Change Mechanisms

Resick et al. (2017)

Recovery occurs through modification of maladaptive beliefs, not emotional suppression.

Psychological Flexibility (ACT)

Hayes, S. C., Luoma, J. B., Bond, F. W., Masuda, A., & Lillis, J. (2006).
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy: Model, processes and outcomes. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 44(1), 1-25.

Psychological flexibility predicts improved outcomes across disorders.

Neuroplasticity & Therapy

Kolb, B., & Gibb, R. (2011).
Brain plasticity and behaviour. Annual Review of Psychology, 62, 113-136.

Therapeutic change corresponds with measurable neural adaptation.

Guest Post Disclaimer: This guest post is for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing shared here, across CPTSDfoundation.org, any CPTSD Foundation website, our associated communities, or our Social Media accounts, is intended to substitute for or supersede the professional advice and direction of your medical or mental health providers. The thoughts and opinions expressed are those of the guest author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CPTSD Foundation. For further details, please review the following: Terms of Service, Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer

Steve Rothwell

Stephen Rothwell is a counselor with lived experience of CPTSD, as well as OCD, ASD, and ADHD. He developed CPTSD during imprisonment and, in the absence of any meaningful support or trauma-informed resources, undertook his own rigorous study of trauma and recovery.

Through this work, Stephen identified what he terms “stuck points”: rigid, distressing beliefs that feel immovable and absolute. He observed that these are often the mind’s default response to trauma that has overwhelmed a person’s capacity to cope.

Stephen went on to develop practical methods to separate emotional injury from the belief that healing is impossible. From this, he created a CPTSD recovery program, ‘Breaking Free From Stuck Points’ – initially tailored for people with prison experience and later refined into a broadly applicable framework.

Today, Stephen’s counseling and writing work support people internationally to resolve trauma-driven stuck points, reduce psychological pain, and rebuild a realistic sense of hope for the future.

www.reliefandhope.com

Our world is full of negativity right now. It can be hard to tune everything out that’s going on in the news and in our cities.

Did you know how you think can affect your health and outlook in life? It sounds weird, and I was skeptical too before I thought about my own life.

Positive thinking breeds a positive outlook on life. Many of us naturally default to negative thoughts. We can spend days feeling down and moody about things. It’s not good for our health to be negative all the time.

What if I told you that it doesn’t have to be that way? That if you changed the way you think by only a little bit, you can feel better.

Positive thinking is not magic, but it works — and I’m living proof.

I spent years feeling invisible and hurt after living through trauma. Nobody appeared to see the true me. I fought to rewire my brain and ignore comments from people that wanted to put me down. Even though life was not going my way at the time, I forced myself to think positively instead of focusing on the negative situation I was in.

Little by little, I started clawing back my own sanity and myself.

Here are my proven ways to tackle negativity through positive thinking

1. Positive glimmers. No matter how small they might be, look for them, even in negative situations. If a friend cancels on you, think about the time you gain to focus on other things. Your friend will still be there for another day.
2. Gratitude. Focus on the good things that are happening in your life and be grateful for them — no matter how small. At one point in my life, I was feeling thankful for dry clothes because I had spent many days being soaking wet in the rain.
3. Choose who you spend your time with. Surround yourself with people who are happy and energize you. There is nothing wrong with spending time with friends who are down on their luck, but if they are the only people you see, then you will also be zapped of energy and gloom. Seek out those friends who nurture you and give you something in return. That’s where you will find positivity.
4. Humor. Allow yourself to laugh every now and then.
5. Positive self-talk. Did you know that how you talk to yourself can have a big impact on how you feel and act? It’s true that if you keep telling yourself that you are “worthless” and “stupid,” then you will start to feel that way. How about changing the narrative to “I’m not good at this yet,” or “I think I need more practice.” I use this self-talk often with my own kids and those who I teach when they tell me “They can’t do it.” I always challenge this by “How about you say, you can’t do it yet, but you will.”
6. Identify where you tend to think negative thoughts. If you can’t think of one, ask a friend or your partner. I’m sure they can help you with this. Once you know where you are negative about yourself, you can tackle it. Challenge why you feel that way. What is the proof?
7. Journaling. Write your thoughts down, especially those negative thoughts. If you have the same negative thoughts, you will soon notice a pattern, and you can do something about it. Positive thoughts are nice to note down and if you are feeling down, a nice read to take that “frown upside down.” (Can you tell I teach first graders?)
8. Wake up each morning with a positive thought or act. I do this often, and it can be as simple as telling yourself that, “your day will be great.” I usually take this a step further, and I compliment those around me. “I like your shirt,” or “what a nice color.” Giving somebody a compliment doesn’t just make other people feel good, but I enjoy it too.

When you start focusing on a more positive outlook in your life, you will start to notice subtle changes.

You will feel better within yourself and in how you act around other people.

You will notice that your energy levels are higher than before and you can focus better on things.

Your mental and physical well-being improve, and you have less sick days and headaches.

You recover quicker from colds and injuries.

You cope better in stressful situations.

You notice quicker when your body is acting up and you fix it before it turns into something worse like depression.

You live longer.

Positive thinking isn’t a magic cure for everything, but what it will do is help you to navigate problems with better control.

My name is Lizzy. I’m a trauma survivor, a wife, a mom, a teacher, and an author.

If you like reading my posts, then please follow me.

For more about me: www.elizabethwoodsauthor.com

Support your fellow writer:

https://ko-fi.com/elizabe69245484

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Guest Post Disclaimer: This guest post is for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing shared here, across CPTSDfoundation.org, any CPTSD Foundation website, our associated communities, or our Social Media accounts, is intended to substitute for or supersede the professional advice and direction of your medical or mental health providers. The thoughts and opinions expressed are those of the guest author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CPTSD Foundation. For further details, please review the following: Terms of Service, Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer

Here are a few links to my top articles:

• Looking for a Change?
• How To Explain Complex PTSD To Loved Ones
• A Search for Identity
• Dealing With Flashbacks
• The Knock on the Door that Changed My World
• The Goodbye I Never Said Out Loud

Elizabeth Woods

For more about me: https://www.elizabethwoodsauthor.com

Elizabeth Woods grew up in a world of brutal sex offenders, murderers, and inconceivably neglectful adults. Elizabeth is passionate about spreading awareness of what it is like to survive after trauma. She is the author of several books and has written her memoir, telling her childhood story: The Sex-Offender’s Daughter: A True Story of Survival Against All Odds, available on Amazon Kindle and paperback.

Elizabeth is also the author of “Living with Complex PTSD” and the Cedar’s Port Fiction series: “Saving Joshua”, “Protecting Sarah”, “Guarding Noah” and “Bringing Back Faith,” and “Restoring Hope,” available here: https://www.amazon.com/stores/author/B0BCBZQN7L/allbooks?ingress=0&visitId=7e223b5b-1a29-45f0-ad9d-e9c8fdb59e9c&ref_=ap_rdr&ccs_id=931f96e2-c220-4765-acc8-cc99bb95e8bd

www.elizabethwoodsauthor.com/

Yes, because of my CPTSD, I was a people-pleaser. This was like a survival-mode I learned as a child. And that doormat syndrome was often painful for me, for many years. Until one day, I had had enough and decided to change. Here is what I learned:

Studies show that people-pleasing significantly increases the risk of burnout. People-pleasers are especially susceptible because their difficulty setting boundaries and their desire to be loved by everyone directly lead to chronic stress and emotional exhaustion.

Maybe you’re an empath, and perhaps you’ve often heard, “Oh, you’re so kind.” Many of us were raised to be good girls or good boys to earn our parents’ approval and affection. Nothing is more traumatic for a child than losing that parental love.

Children who experience love withdrawal when they make a mistake naturally become people-pleasers. What many don’t realize is that these patterns often lead to depression and chronic burnout later in life.

Being taught to be a good girl or boy as children turns people-pleasing into a learned, but deeply painful emotional pattern. At home, in church, and at school, the message was the same: we had to be kind and nice. Otherwise, we wouldn’t be loved and might even be rejected by our entire social circle, triggering primal survival fears in young hearts.

The roots of that chronic fear of rejection run deep and are triggered in every area of life, both private and professional. Naturally, we always do more than we’re asked to do, driven by that OCD-like need to keep everyone around us happy. This is where burnout and depression gently take root, growing over time when our efforts remain unreciprocated.

Yes, people will love you as long as you serve them in one way or another. The people-pleaser is often the best student, the most perfect secretary, the kindest boss, and, of course, the ideal parent. People like you because you’re always the first to help others.

But one day, the sky becomes clouded. You notice that weird feeling in the background and realize that people may be abusing your kindness: they aren’t there for you when you need them and don’t appreciate all your efforts. Often, we respond by working harder, trying harder, and performing better until we find ourselves in the doctor’s office, exhausted and perhaps diagnosed with depression.

There is a lasting impact of early approval‐seeking.

When you grow up trained to be a people-pleaser, it often looks on the outside as if everyone likes you; but they stop liking you as soon as you learn to say, “Sorry, no. I can’t help this time.” The more you establish healthy boundaries, the more they criticize you, accusing you of selfishness.

When a people-pleaser awakens and starts setting boundaries, their children often rebel because their parent suddenly says “no” as part of a healthy upbringing. Coworkers begin to gossip because they can no longer exploit your kindness and must handle their own tasks. Employees in your team, too, have to learn to respect their boss in earnest.

And, of course, all the groups that once welcomed you (as a volunteer, donor, or committee member) will let you go as soon as you stop paying with your time or money. They never truly cared about you, only about the resources they could extract.

Maybe, those so-called best friends, or even family members, will tell you that you’ve disappointed them lately, because as a people-pleaser you were their favorite trash bin for emotional issues. But since you learned to say “no” and you’re no longer as available as before, of course, they’re disappointed: they can’t use you for their narcissistic intentions anymore.

Now, another important point: as people-pleasers, we were often trained to forgive and taught that we should always remain kind and nice to those who hurt us. In many situations, this pattern is deeply harmful. It’s one of the main reasons so many of us end up feeling exhausted, depleted and depressed

Depending on the situation, yes, we may forgive, but we don’t have to stay in contact.

If you keep seeing toxic, negative, critical narcissists and other manipulative people, you’ll never move forward or reach your goals in life. If you feel worse after every conversation, that’s a clear sign it may be better to move on.

Like my grandfather used to say, “It is often wiser to spend a season in your own gentle company than to remain surrounded by those who do not truly see, honor, or respect your sacred light. When you lovingly release connections that no longer feel aligned, you create beautiful, open space for the Divine Universe to bring in people who genuinely cherish you.”

It’s wonderful to be kind and helpful – so long as it’s mutual and the appreciation is genuine, valuing you as a person rather than your performance. You are not a doormat or a trash bin for other people’s unresolved issues, jealousies, laziness, or frustrations. There is great relief on the other side of healthy boundaries, and sometimes going no-contact is simply the healthiest way to protect your peace of mind.

Warning signs you’re a doormat for others include chronic exhaustion and resentment, guilt when you say “no,” and feeling used or unappreciated. And the cost of continuing to “be good” often shows up as burnout, depression, and loss of identity, along with relationship imbalances at home and work.

It’s better to be alone for a short time than to stay with people who have no honest respect for you, who belittle, judge, and criticize you just to keep you pleasing them. When you let go of the wrong people, you create space for the divine universe to bring better people into your life.

The good news is that you can build a healthier tribe: because you deserve people who truly support you, respect your boundaries, and uplift your self-worth.

If this message resonates and you need help with a similar situation, feel free to reach out.
With warm regards,
Jeanne
💗

Photo Credit: Unsplash

Guest Post Disclaimer: This guest post is for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing shared here, across CPTSDfoundation.org, any CPTSD Foundation website, our associated communities, or our Social Media accounts, is intended to substitute for or supersede the professional advice and direction of your medical or mental health providers. The thoughts and opinions expressed are those of the guest author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CPTSD Foundation. For further details, please review the following: Terms of Service, Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer

Jeanne Jess

Having navigated trauma and its long-term effects myself, I understand how non-linear, layered, and deeply personal recovery can be. Every article here is written by me from the heart, based entirely on my own lived experiences and personal journey. The goal of my writing is to encourage all those who, like me, are living with a lifelong medical diagnosis, and everyone navigating difficult times in their lives. May my texts bring you comfort and encouragement. My website: https://www.janehealingangels.com/

www.janehealingangels.com/

Social skills help us to connect, communicate, and build stronger relationships with people.

Face-to-face communication without smartphones happens less often than it should, as technology slowly takes over our social lives.

People rely on screens for daily life.

How many ways can you think of where you use your phone instead of having a real conversation?

I think you’d be surprised at how much you use a screen–but hey, it’s 2026, and everyone is using technology these days.

You check the weather and the news first thing in the morning. Fifty years ago, people relied on the local newspaper when it eventually came to the door.

Life was much simpler (but slower) back then. People communicated to get their needs met.

Nowadays, we can order anything and have it delivered to our front door.

Want a new kitchen? Sure, you can buy everything online, provided you have all the measurements.

Fancy a takeout for dinner? No problem. Go online, pick your favorite food, and it will be delivered to your door.

I love my cell phone and, yes, I carry one wherever I go — including to work. Teachers communicate both in and outside class to keep students safe. It’s a great tool to safeguard vulnerable students who have cut class.

I’m sure you use your cell at work, too.

Talking to each other in real conversations where we voice our feelings is a skill that many ignore. In a world where everything is available at the push of a few keys, people give up far too easily.

A trauma survivor can often get lost in the system between phones and people. Sometimes it’s impossible to communicate how we feel about something, and we push it away.

Some conversations are not fit for the cell phone. They need a human touch.

Trauma survivors don’t always know how to feel, but we sure as hell (pardon my language) feel it in our bodies because our bodies absorb everything (whether we like it or not).

These “non-feelings” manifest as headaches, stomach upsets, tension, etc. The problem is that those feelings that are pushed aside will never completely go away, and they have a way of showing up when we least expect them to.

I don’t know about you, but I want to be seen for who I am. The real me. I don’t want to pretend that I’m fine when I’m not. I’m sick of pretending and staying silent.

I’m a trauma survivor, and I’m not ashamed to say it out loud. My experiences with trauma can help so many who are struggling every single day.

Do you feel the same? Do you want to be seen and heard, as well?

If you want to be seen for who you are, you need to speak up. You need to tell people how you feel — every day.

If you ignore the need to communicate how you feel, those feelings can become cooped up inside your body just like a pressure cooker uses pressure from steam to cook food.

Eventually, you need to let that “pressure” out before you burst. Otherwise, you might experience an embarrassing “oil spill” of emotions wherever you happen to be. Trust me, it always happens in the worst possible place.

Sometimes, you just need to let the “pressure out.”

I’m a trauma survivor, and even after years of therapy, I still have days when I am triggered.

Trauma triggers are everywhere, and can pop up when we least expect. They can cause havoc in our lives.

When it happens, the last thing we want to do is to talk about it. I know, this is messed up, right?

Keeping complicated feelings inside is the worst thing we can do. As a trauma survivor, I learned to keep my business to myself because I believed that no one would listen.

That is the way I saw my world as a child, and I know many survivors feel the same. It is extremely hard to get out of that learned behavior.

Everything is almost certainly NOT FINE all the time, and people should hear it. Our voices do matter.

You matter.

But if you don’t speak about how you really feel, people will never know or understand you.

In general, we are desensitized by triggering events because they happen all the time. The news is riddled with bad events, people having arguments, and general conflict.

This has become normal.

It should not be normal that our wonderful world has so much conflict, causing billions of people to live in fear and anxiety.

Yet, here we are, and survivors often get lost in the maelstrom as we move through life.

You cannot change the whole world, but you can change your immediate world–and the people you see every day–by speaking up.

All of the “every day” stressors that cause us to be triggered are like little darts being shot from all directions.

One or two darts don’t hurt that much, but more than that, and we feel definite pain. Right?

How do we break the habit of a lifetime and tell people how we feel? Good question.

Well, it is not easy to do, and my advice is to practice. Use the bathroom mirror once you have calmed down from your trigger, and say to yourself:

“I matter, and my voice matters. This is how I feel…. ‘I’m not okay.’”

Practice what you are going to say to the person who triggered you. Share something small about yourself that you might not be certain that you want them to know. I think you will be surprised at the reaction you get. Most people are clueless about how trauma affects people.

I will give you an example of how I shared something about myself that I didn’t feel comfortable sharing. Because now I’m happy that I did.

A few years ago, I worked with two colleagues who were always bickering about stuff, and sometimes, they would use colorful language. The way they spoke to each other upset me, so I told them.

“I really don’t like the way you speak to XXXX; it makes me uncomfortable.”

Both had no idea how I felt, and they made peace (at least when I was around).

One weekend, I had to speak up and tell another mom that I did not like the words she used to speak to her son at football practice, because it was upsetting to my kids and me. It made that mom think about her words, and she is now much kinder (and calmer) with her son and my ears.

A third example is when I tell people that “I am allergic to cream.” This is not exactly true, but as close to the truth as I am comfortable sharing.

I cannot eat cream without feeling physically sick to my stomach because of what happened to me as a child. I do not share those details because they are too personal. By sharing that I’m allergic to cream, people will understand that I react to it in some way–which is true.

Speaking up and telling others how you feel about something can be a game-changer.

Communication is vital for our emotional well-being. It’s not just about talking but also listening–having empathy for someone. It also includes body language.

And while we should not remain silent, it’s also important not to overshare too soon. We want to build on our conversations and grow our rapport with others step by step. We test the waters so that we know that the person we trust with a trauma trigger is going to be supportive.

Of course, how we share is as important as actually sharing. We want to stay calm during problems, whenever we encounter them. It’s much easier to solve conflicts when we are relaxed and clear-headed.

If you need a moment before you speak, then take it.

You can learn to communicate your feelings. Start small, practice and build trust.

I believe in you.

My name is Lizzy. I’m a trauma survivor, a wife, a mom, a teacher, and an author.

If you like reading my posts, then please follow me.

For more about me: www.elizabethwoodsauthor.com

Support your fellow writer:

https://ko-fi.com/elizabe69245484

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Elizabeth Woods

For more about me: https://www.elizabethwoodsauthor.com

Elizabeth Woods grew up in a world of brutal sex offenders, murderers, and inconceivably neglectful adults. Elizabeth is passionate about spreading awareness of what it is like to survive after trauma. She is the author of several books and has written her memoir, telling her childhood story: The Sex-Offender’s Daughter: A True Story of Survival Against All Odds, available on Amazon Kindle and paperback.

Elizabeth is also the author of “Living with Complex PTSD” and the Cedar’s Port Fiction series: “Saving Joshua”, “Protecting Sarah”, “Guarding Noah” and “Bringing Back Faith,” and “Restoring Hope,” available here: https://www.amazon.com/stores/author/B0BCBZQN7L/allbooks?ingress=0&visitId=7e223b5b-1a29-45f0-ad9d-e9c8fdb59e9c&ref_=ap_rdr&ccs_id=931f96e2-c220-4765-acc8-cc99bb95e8bd

www.elizabethwoodsauthor.com/

She hears the voice of the five-year-old shamed for being overly rambunctious, the 12-year-old who struggles to make friends, the 16-year-old who actively fantasizes about death, the 22-year-old who has no idea what to “do with her life,” the 30-year-old who is too depressed to get out of bed, the 35-year-old mother who can’t seem to find joy in every moment of motherhood, the 41-year-old who erupts into tears during a dental procedure, and on and on. They all chime in.

This person in the mirror itemizes every mistake that she has made throughout her life. She criticizes her inability to form and maintain deep relationships. She nitpicks her physical “shortcomings” and catalogs all the ways she is simultaneously “too much” and “not enough.” Unable to answer the question, she carries these shackles of self-deprecation as “proof” of all that is “wrong” with her.

A part of me, however, stands beside her and sees a survivor. I see that there is nothing wrong with her, but rather the situations she faced. I see a five-year-old child who was just being a kid, her noise and frenetic energy not compatible with my young mother’s exhausted and overwhelmed nervous system. I see a 12-year-old entering my third school in as many years, not seeing a point in making new friends. Besides, I was pretty sure my “peers” couldn’t relate to a parent almost intentionally killing them during the first week of school. I see a 16-year-old hunted by a predator in my own home.

As if that wasn’t enough, that year I felt survivor’s guilt for being able to walk while my then-boyfriend lay hospitalized after becoming paralyzed in a car accident months earlier. I see a 22-year-old who, against all odds, graduated from college but didn’t feel “worthy” of a “real job” or healthy relationships. How could I possibly have known what to do, how to be, in those “normal” contexts?

I tried to be “normal,” but couldn’t define it, and only now do I understand that it is because “normal” doesn’t exist.

I didn’t understand it then, though…I only saw someone who felt “wrong.” It would be another decade before I saw beyond the flaws. Within that old lens, I see a 30-year-old who still didn’t know “what to do with my life.” My shame around this only grew under the unforgiving lens of my mother’s criticism, which she unloaded all at once in an argument. Under the influence of a substantial amount of alcohol, she held nothing back in her assessment of all the ways I’d failed.

Apparently, I have crappy taste in men, and my recent attempt to prove my worth by earning another degree had backfired. Mom berated me for supposedly thinking I’m “smarter than everyone.” I didn’t think that, but her words momentarily stole my will to participate in life, which, according to her, I was failing anyway.

A half-decade later, I see an overwhelmed 35-year-old mother of a one-year-old. They say it takes a village to raise a child; unfortunately, that didn’t apply to me in my mid-thirties because help didn’t exist in places where one might expect it, and I simply didn’t know how to ask for it. That word wasn’t in my vocabulary. Little did I know, I would have one more child, and I was only in the dawn of the exhaustion that is now second-nature. It would be another seven years before I had my first and only 48-hour break from motherhood.

The overwhelm and fatigue, along with an overpowering love for my children, is what finally encouraged me to make some changes in my early 40s. Those changes came with some stark realizations and interesting experiences, like having a breakdown in a dental chair at 41 years old when I couldn’t hold my crap together for another second. As my startled dentist tried to soothe his suddenly sobbing middle-aged patient, I asked myself the same question I always ask myself: “What is wrong with you?” (Sometimes I use other words like “Why am I like this?” and “Would the world be better off without me in it?”)

The problem is, all this time, no matter how I phrased it, I’ve been asking myself the wrong question. There’s nothing “wrong” with me. There’s plenty wrong with the circumstances I’ve faced. The real question should have been, “What is happening to and around you to make you feel this way?”

That question, however, was not written into the original script. Five-year-olds who grow up in healthy, supportive environments don’t ask themselves, “What’s wrong with me?” Ironically, those words often first come from the person or people responsible for providing a supportive and secure environment for that child. Having failed to do that and instead of taking responsibility for their shortcomings, these people sometimes direct the blame to the child.

Over time, their voice(s) mingle with ours, and the question that should have never been asked imprisons us in insecurity. We find ways to justify the question. We stockpile our “failures” and can give you a grand tour of places we went wrong. It’s easy to showcase our faults.

What happens if we turn that logic outward? Think about someone you love. Imagine them internalizing the message that something is wrong with them. How do you feel? This piece, inspired by someone dear to me, was born in my anger at her being held prisoner by the very words that are as present in my head as stars in a night sky. Her self-defacing mantra was also planted by a parent and then reinforced by her own inner voices for decades. I look at her and see bravery, humility, and strength. I don’t see anything “wrong” with her. Instead, my focus narrowed to a person I’ve never met. A part of me fought the urge to deliver an unsolicited, unfiltered piece of my mind to her mother.

How dare she say something so awful to this person who brings so much light to the world? I wrestled with how I could remove the sting of these words from my friend’s heart. How could I possibly convince her that there is nothing wrong with her? How could she believe something so ridiculous about herself?

And then…I silently acknowledged that I’d swallowed the same poison. It was not until I heard those words within the context of a loved one’s internal narrative that I so blatantly questioned them in myself. I, too, had been asked that question by my mother. I, too, believed that since she asked the question (repeatedly), there must surely be something “wrong” with me. I have spent much of my life searching for the answer to that question. I’ve identified a slew of potential candidates, but nothing has felt solidly “right.”

Well…at 43 years old, I finally found the answer to the question “What is wrong with you?” Ready for it? It’s a real nail-biter.

Here it is: not a damn thing. Do I have flaws? Areas for improvement? Weaknesses? Yes, of course. We all do. But there’s nothing “wrong” with me. It is “wrong” that my mother ever demanded an answer to such a ridiculous question. It would be easy to get angry at her the way I did at my friend’s mother. In thinking about it, however, I suspect that they, too, have stood in front of mirrors and asked: “What’s wrong with you?”

Likely, long ago, someone carelessly hurled that very question at them. I think asking that question of another person is a sign of something unbalanced or emotional malnourishment within. I feel compassion for anyone who has asked this question of another, for I know it is born in insecurity.

That’s not to say that I’m not mad. This ridiculous question made my blood boil when my friend acknowledged it as an internal mantra. When I internally admitted that I shared this mantra, I decided I’m not buying it anymore. The fact that these words live within me only renews my commitment to healing. I will not ask this question of my children, and I will do my very best to ensure that their environment does not create inner chaos.

Furthermore, though this question can sweep in at the drop of a hat for me, I will be conscious of its roots. I will rephrase the question. Instead of demanding to know what is wrong with me, I will ask myself what was wrong with the circumstances that created these feelings.

So many of us have been asked this question that shouldn’t be asked. Even worse, it has often been asked by the people we looked to for love. Instead of searching for answers we will never find, let’s reframe the question and consider who asked it and why. When we consider the source and motivation for this question and reword it to explore what was wrong with what we faced, we infuse it with what was missing all along: compassion. There was never anything wrong with us.

We simply did our best to handle things we shouldn’t have had to experience. It’s time to stop trying to answer the question that should not have been asked. So, if you, too, have been asked this ridiculous question, please remind yourself that you finally found the answer: not a damn thing.

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Heather Jurvelin

Finally feeling truly alive for the first time in my life, I am writing from a place of gradual healing with an eye to the future and a hope of connecting with others on similar paths. Forced to withhold a tsunami of emotions deemed irrelevant under the roof of my childhood “home,” the blank white pages of my notebooks invited my raw reflections without judgment. Writing allowed me to free the burdens of my soul, but at some point, I muzzled myself. My pen lay dormant for years until, at 41 years old, I experienced a traumatic flashback during an everyday activity that shook me to the core. Five days later, I started writing about the things I had long withheld. I couldn’t stop. Written words have once again become my refuge. I now recognize that these words, resurrected from the ashes of my pain, may have the power to help others. Above all, I want to magnify and share the messages that I have most treasured on my journey: we are not alone and we don’t ever have to go back. This is where we live now and the future is ours.

My father finally died a few months ago. Survivors will understand the word finally. I thought he would never die. Billy Joel’s song “Only the Good Die Young” was certainly true in this situation. I had gone no contact about seven years before, but the shadow of power this man wielded over my life continued, whether I was in contact with him or not. I even moved all the way across the country to put space between me and him. Space between the present and the past. The constructed reality he demanded everyone agree with, the dominating presence where no voice save his was heard, the judgmental pronouncements of doom and gloom over your life, the complete lack of understanding or empathy. These were just a few of the ways his brainwashing impacted me. 

These were just a few of the ways his brainwashing impacted me. 

And when he died, instead of the relief I felt at my mother’s passing, a terrible door that had been shut for over sixty years was opened. The parts of me from childhood that had split off and carried the load felt free to come forward, and it was hard. Hard to face them, hard to talk to them, and hard to become an ally to them instead of an enemy. 

There are no words to describe the damage and loss that occur when your parents choose the path of narcissism. To their very grave, my parents never had the slightest inkling of self-awareness or took any personal responsibility. In fact, my sibling and I were “disinherited.” The old threat to keep me within my father’s orbit finally came true. For me, I could understand it; I walked away years ago. But for my sibling who provided for my father financially and took care of his ex-wife, our mother, who otherwise would have been homeless, it was a low blow. Yet again, the narcissist showed his true colors. It did not matter what you did for the man; he did not know how to do anything other than hurt us. His final message? “You are worthless.” 

But I survived, and guess what? My father was wrong. It took everything I had to slog through the twisted spider web of lies he had spun. I spent decades trying to understand, reaching toward the truth that seemed to dissipate into mist at the slightest stress. To quiet the dissonance in my mind, heart, and soul. I used every technique and read every book I could get my hands on, but you know what? I made it. I have written a new chapter, established new relationships, and I walk in truth. What does the Bible say? The truth will set you free? Yep, that’s what it says. I can wonder at the joy in life, pursue dreams and goals I never thought reachable, and more than anything else, I can finish well, leaving a legacy of peace, encouragement, and kindness to my children. 

I pity my mother and father. They never knew how wonderful life could be. It is still hard sometimes, I suppose I will always bear the scars to a certain degree, but I made it. I made it out, and I am so thankful I did not give up. Defy trauma, embrace joy. It is worth it.

If you are interested in my newsletter or reading more content like this, please go to:

https://rebekahlaynebrown.com

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Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Rebekah Brown

Rebekah Brown, a native of the south, now resides in the Great American West. Surviving a complicated and abusive family system makes her unique writing style insightful as well as uplifting. Rebekah is the proud mother of two and grandmother of four.

I had a weird tension in me about it

Like other techniques, we also employ the idea of a “safe place,” where he helps me anchor into safety before we do any deep work or regressions. I have always used the same safe place since I have been seeing Dr. Gabe: the beach in front of my grandma’s house, now our second home. As we began chatting at the beginning of the last session, I realized I was feeling a little hesitant about “going to my safe place” because, in reality, this was where I had broken my wrist a few weeks prior, and I had a weird tension in me about it.

So, all the things we normally do and go through to work through deep-seated trauma from the past, we went through the same process on the trauma of breaking my wrist. That was our starting point. First, I re-experienced the crack of my bone that I heard and the onset of the fear I experienced. I was scared and alone and had no way back up the small cliff I had descended to the rocky shore. (I am quite good in emergencies, and this was no exception. I simply trespassed onto a neighbor’s property, used their private staircase, and thanked them later for using it.  They have offered for me to use their stairs down any time I need to since I won’t be going down or up on the climbing rope for a while at least. It’s when the emergency subsides, and the adrenaline rush crashes that emotion tends to overwhelm me, and I cry and shake and get embarrassed at my reactions.)

As we followed my subconscious, it led me to the scene in my home when the ambulance arrived.  Fire truck, too. There must have been 15 people all congregating around me. People were sticking my veins for an IV and missing. Pandemonium. My parents happened to have just arrived at our home because we were all going out to dinner. When I called my husband, John, and told him I had broken my wrist and was coming up the neighbor’s stairs, my parents were already there. I was still somewhat in shock, and the pain was amplifying exponentially from moment to moment. I just needed a minute to process everything. I wanted to see my husband, hug him, and figure out the best thing to do. I was still evaluating how badly I had been hurt. My dad took over and called the ambulance without my knowledge or approval; he just did it. Ultimately, I am glad I went to the ER that night and that I did so in an ambulance, where they were able to administer pain medication during the hour-long drive to the hospital. But all of a sudden, I saw the pattern clearly of how my father always made “executive decisions,” as he sometimes called them, and put situations in front of me where he had already made a decision and effectively removed the element of my own choice from me. Over and over from a young age until it seemed normal.

But I have a voice today. Sometimes, I still have to speak up forcefully to get my dad back in check, and I do know he means well and cares – and I am truly grateful for that. But it was ultimately nice to recognize how pervasive that pattern had been in my life and how and why it has taken me a lifetime to speak up for myself and make my own best decisions. It still amazes me how we think that trauma is about one particular thing, and then we do the work and find all these other things mixed in and attached in ways we hadn’t ever even realized before.

And my safe place is safe again.

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Adina Lynn LeCompte

Adina Lynn LeCompte is a sixth-generation Californian. After having lived in varying parts of the US and abroad in Florence, Italy, she has come home to roost, splitting her time between the Central Coast and the Foothills of Yosemite. She holds her Bachelors of Arts from UCLA (Language & Linguistics), her Master of Arts from Middlebury College School Abroad / Universita’ di Firenze (Language & Literature), and studied 4 years in the MDiv program at Naropa University in Boulder, Colorado. Over the years, she founded several successful local businesses and worked as an interfaith hospital and hospice chaplain.

Adina is a working writer, an award-winning poet, and is working on her upcoming book “Spilling Ink: Write Your Way Into Healing”. Additionally, she has designed an interactive transformative workshop by the same name that uses writing as a tool for healing from trauma, especially abuse and grief. She is also co-author of several compilations of poetry with her husband, John LeCompte, who is also a writer. (“With These Words, I Thee Wed: Love Poetry” was published in 2023.)

Her most recent exciting endeavor is being a part of the Bay Path Univeristy’s MFA program in Creative Nonfiction, with an emphasis in Narrative Medicine.

writeyourwayintohealing.com

Curious visitors come by the thousands to witness with their own eyes what a 5.5-ton golden miracle looks like, pondering the weight of what it means in their own lives

The story of the Golden Buddha is thought to have begun around the 13th century CE, during the Sukhothai period of Thai history, an era during which experts believe the statue was first built. They also theorize that under the Ayutthaya empire, when faced with a Burmese invasion in 1767, monks covered the statue with stucco and colored glass, thus disguising it as an ordinary statue made of cheap materials to save it from destruction. The Burmese-Siamese War led to the fall of the Ayutthaya empire and the statue was removed from its original location. Fast forward centuries later when in 1955, during one of its relocations, the statue was accidentally dropped, causing some plaster to chip off, revealing a glimmering sliver of its golden core. Upon closer inspection, it was discovered that the statue was made out of solid gold! 

The true story of the Golden Buddha reminds us of the hidden treasures that lie beneath the protective boundaries we’ve had to create to ensure our survival. Complex trauma survivors naturally self-protect in many ways, and as we grow and walk along our healing path, at our own pace, our self-protective tools evolve along with us, highlighting our resourcefulness, our grit, and our bravery. Our resilience turns to growth, our growth into more healing. Eventually, our survival gives way to thrive, and as we pass it on and pass on our legacy.

As survivors of complex trauma, we have the potential to transform our pain into sources of wisdom, compassion, and growth, and in doing so, to emerge stronger and more resilient than ever before. We can choose to learn what true peace and freedom feel like within our bodies and hearts, often for the first time. No one wishes trauma upon themselves, any more than we would a cancer or an addiction, which some of us also have. What happened to us and what we did as a result cannot ever be undone, yet healing work can bring us to a place within ourselves where we finally become able to recover and thrive, from the inside out, and that is worth its weight in gold many times over. 

As a Certified Childhood & Sexual Trauma Recovery Coach™ and Clinical EFT Practitioner, I often use the power of metaphors as a healing tool, like my previous post about domino effect science. Along with symbols, images, and somatic responses, metaphors are – unlike words – our subconscious’s native language, a missing link to trauma recovery, post-traumatic growth, and sustainable healing. At its core, the story of the Golden Buddha is a tale of survival, resilience, justice, and overcoming all odds. It is also a tale of patience, nurture, and longevity. A metaphor about never giving up, no matter what, in the face of extreme adversity.

What does the story of the Golden Buddha mean to you?

Hidden Treasure

Just as the Golden Buddha was covered in layers of plaster and mud for 200 years – almost 2,500 years after the death of Siddhartha Gautama – complex trauma survivors have had to develop defense and coping mechanisms to bury unbearable pain and protect themselves from further harm and reinjury, sometimes for most of their lives. These layers can manifest as dissociation or chronic avoidance of emotions or memories associated with our traumas.

Overcoming

Despite its disguise, the Golden Buddha remained intact and authentic at its core for centuries, until it was safe for it to become exposed to the light and shine again. Complex trauma survivors possess incredible resilience, inner strength, and resources, which we can learn to tap into and draw upon on our healing journey to overcome adversity and reclaim our lives.

Self-Discovery

Similarly to how the chipping away of the plaster revealed the glorious gold underneath, the journey to recovery from complex trauma involves gradually uncovering and rediscovering one’s authentic Self. This process may involve trauma recovery coaching or therapy, self-reflection, self-expression, connection, and the courage to feel painful emotions that have been buried for years, even decades.

Transformation

As survivors of complex trauma, we have the potential to transform our pain into sources of wisdom, compassion, and growth, and in doing so, to emerge stronger and more resilient than ever before. We can choose to learn what true peace and freedom feel like within our bodies and hearts, often for the first time. No one wishes trauma upon themselves, any more than we would a cancer or an addiction, which some of us also have. What happened to us and what we did as a result cannot ever be undone, yet healing work can bring us to a place within ourselves where we finally become able to recover and thrive, from the inside out, and that is worth its weight in gold many times over. 

Beneath the layers of pain and suffering lies our essence, our authentic Self: Resilient, precious, untouched, worthy of unconditional love.

It is likely that I will never get to Wat Traimit in my lifetime. In fact, many of us never will either. Still, the Golden Buddha story offers us real hope and inspiration as we heal from complex trauma, reminding us all that beneath the layers of pain and suffering lies our essence, our authentic Self: resilient, precious, untouched, worthy of unconditional love.

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Sophie Gourdon, M.Ed, MA, CTRC, CHt

As the Founder of Little Wave Coaching, LLC, Sophie walks alongside complex trauma survivors, helping them recover and thrive beyond trauma to live more connected, meaningful, authentic lives. She is a Somatic IFS-Informed Certified Trauma Recovery Coach, Certified Clinical Emotional Freedom Techniques practitioner, and Certified Consulting Hypnotist. She is also a complex, childhood, and sexual trauma overcomer. She offers evidence-based coaching to survivors seeking to overcome their anxiety, overwhelm, cravings, chronic pain, complex, childhood, or sexual trauma. Littlewavecoaching.com is a comprehensive self-healing resource welcoming and supporting all complex trauma survivors seeking recovery. It is packed with psychoeducation about somatic tools like Emotional Freedom Techniques, Tapping, IFS/Parts Work, Solution-Driven Hypnosis, and Brain Rewiring, as well as hundreds of resources (e.g. 130+ videos, 50+ books, 80+ calm kit tools & more).

www.littlewavecoaching.com

Life is a series of dominoes—each experience triggering the next, creating a chain reaction that shapes our journey

For those navigating the path of healing from complex trauma, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed by the weight of past experiences. But within this very sequence lies a profound lesson: the domino effect can be harnessed as a force for resilience and transformation.

Healing from complex trauma is not a linear process; it’s a journey with many twists and turns, setbacks and triumphs. Like a domino setup, it may seem that one fall could cause the collapse of the entire structure. But what if we reframed our perspective? What if, instead of fearing the falling dominoes, we embraced the potential they hold?

The first step in this journey is acknowledging your strengths, no matter how small, because our strengths are the resources we can use to build from. You’ve endured and survived. That resilience is the cornerstone upon which you build your path to healing. Each domino represents a step forward—a trauma recovery coaching session, a moment of self-reflection, a meditation, a prayer, the decision to confront a particular fear, a day, or even just an hour or a minute where you can choose self-care over self-doubt.

Often, we underestimate the power of small actions. Imagine each action as a domino, poised to tip the next one. A kind word to yourself or seeking support from a friend or an online support group—these seemingly small actions set off a chain reaction. They create momentum, gradually shifting the trajectory of your healing journey.

There will be many moments when you feel stuck, when progress seems halted, to be sure. So it’s crucial to remember that just as a chain reaction slows at times, it doesn’t mean it’s stopped. It only takes one domino to restart the cascade—a moment of insight, a breakthrough with your coach, or a newfound coping mechanism. These moments reignite the domino effect, propelling you forward once again.

Healing from complex trauma requires patience and understanding. Be gentle with yourself at your current ability level, when the road feels arduous. Remember, it’s okay to rest. Even in rest, as you catch your breath, the dominoes are still in place, ready to move when you’re rejuvenated and prepared to continue.

Community and support are pillars of strength. Surround yourself with individuals who uplift and encourage your journey. Share your story (only what feels ok and safe to share), and connect with others who have walked similar paths. In doing so, you create a network of interconnected dominoes, each supporting the other, amplifying the power of collective resilience.

As the dominoes fall, each one symbolizes progress—a testament to your courage and determination. Embrace the idea that healing is not about erasing the past but about finding peace from it. Your wounds turn into scars and your scars tell stories of your survival, resilience, and eventual triumph.

IT’S NOT MAGIC, IT’S SCIENCE:

WHAT EXPONENTIAL GROWTH TRULY LOOKS LIKE 

Imagine this: a single domino can topple another, and that one, in turn, can set off a chain reaction. This simple idea embodies the science of the domino effect—an illustration of how small actions can lead to massive results. The “magic” lies in the exponential growth inherent in this phenomenon: When a domino falls, it can knock over another domino that’s about 1.5 times larger. This seemingly minor increase in size results in a progressively greater force. After just 23 dominoes, the last one would be as tall as the Empire State Building. And with only a few more, those dominoes could stretch all the way to the moon!

This scientific principle mirrors the journey of recovering from complex trauma. Initially, taking those first small steps might not seem significant, but each action creates a ripple effect, setting off a sequence of events that gain momentum over time.

So, as you embark on your trauma recovery journey, remember the power of the domino effect. Every small step forward is like toppling a domino, setting in motion a chain reaction of healing. Embrace the compounding effect of these actions, knowing that they have the potential to create a monumental shift in your life.

1st Domino:

The size of a standard domino is roughly about 2 inches by 1 inch (5 cm by 2.5 cm).

5th Domino:

Comparable to a smartphone, measuring approximately 5.5 inches by 2.75 inches (14 cm by 7 cm).

10th Domino:

Roughly the size of a standard laptop, around 15 inches by 9.5 inches (38 cm by 24 cm).

20th Domino:

Similar in size to a small flat-screen TV, approximately 1.05 meters by 41 inches by 20 inches (0.52 meters).

23rd Domino:

Reaching the height of an average adult, standing at about 5 feet 7 inches tall (1.70 meter).

26th Domino:

Towering to the height of a two-story house, at approximately 14 feet 5 inches (4.39 meters).

29th Domino:

Standing at approximately 1,454 feet (443.2 meters) tall, the height of the Empire State Building.

50th Domino:

Using the initial domino as a reference (approximately 2 inches or 5 cm tall), it would take around 50 iterations of the 1.5 times growth to achieve a height capable of reaching the moon. So, after merely getting to the 50th domino in the sequence, with the exponential growth continuing, you could literally reach or even surpass the distance to the moon (238,855 miles or 384,400 kms from Earth)!

This staggering illustration showcases the incredible power of exponential growth in the domino effect, and the astonishing progression in size as the dominoes continue to fall. From the small scale of handheld objects to human-sized and even architectural and astronomical proportions, this sequence illustrates the tremendous impact that the cumulative effect of small actions can have as we take one step back, then one small step forward, and then another, and another, on our brave journey towards trauma recovery. In the face of daunting challenges, you may not always be able to see it, yet it is a scientific fact that every small action sets off a chain reaction, capable of monumental outcomes.

WHAT’S THE POINT?

Within the simple fall of a domino lies a profound lesson—the power of resilience and the potential of incremental progress. Each step forward, no matter how seemingly small, contributes to the exponential chain reaction of your growth and transformation.

As you bravely navigate the journey of healing from complex trauma, remember the wisdom of the domino effect and trust the resilience within you because as a survivor, you have indeed survived 100% of everything you have had to endure to get to this very blog post today.

Embrace your process, with all its highs and lows, knowing that your actions, each one akin to toppling a domino, carry within them the potential for monumental transformation, in the same way that the humble acorn carries within its tiny, hardened shell, the promise of a mighty oak.

ARE YOU READY TO RECOVER WITH THE SUPPORT OF

A CERTIFIED COMPLEX TRAUMA RECOVERY COACH? 

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Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Sophie Gourdon, M.Ed, MA, CTRC, CHt

As the Founder of Little Wave Coaching, LLC, Sophie walks alongside complex trauma survivors, helping them recover and thrive beyond trauma to live more connected, meaningful, authentic lives. She is a Somatic IFS-Informed Certified Trauma Recovery Coach, Certified Clinical Emotional Freedom Techniques practitioner, and Certified Consulting Hypnotist. She is also a complex, childhood, and sexual trauma overcomer. She offers evidence-based coaching to survivors seeking to overcome their anxiety, overwhelm, cravings, chronic pain, complex, childhood, or sexual trauma. Littlewavecoaching.com is a comprehensive self-healing resource welcoming and supporting all complex trauma survivors seeking recovery. It is packed with psychoeducation about somatic tools like Emotional Freedom Techniques, Tapping, IFS/Parts Work, Solution-Driven Hypnosis, and Brain Rewiring, as well as hundreds of resources (e.g. 130+ videos, 50+ books, 80+ calm kit tools & more).

www.littlewavecoaching.com

This article will focus on core beliefs and how they influence our lives.

What are Core Beliefs?

Core beliefs are those thoughts and beliefs about us that help us understand the world around us. Our core beliefs influence many aspects of our lives, including our self-image, career aspirations, personality, mental health, sense of right and wrong, and self-acceptance.

Most of our core beliefs form in childhood, and our childhood experiences change how we see ourselves and interact with our world. Core beliefs often lead to cognitive distortions that are inaccurate views of reality.

Core beliefs impact every part of our lives, including our career paths, and are most often unconscious. These beliefs shape who we are and are both positive and negative. Some examples of core beliefs include the following:

• I deserve attention.
• I deserve love.
• If others criticize me, they must be bad people.
• I’m superior to others.
• I am above the laws and rules of society.
• People don’t understand me.
• I must excel

Negative core beliefs significantly impact how we see ourselves as well as our self-acceptance, self-worth, and self-esteem. Furthermore, our core beliefs greatly influence us in that they determine how we see ourselves and others.

Where Do Core Beliefs Originate?

We are not born with core beliefs; instead, they are learned. Our personal core beliefs develop through life experiences beginning in childhood and continue to develop throughout our life span.

The strange thing about core beliefs is that any information contradicting them is often ignored. We base our core beliefs on several sources, including:

• Family dynamics while we were growing up
• What we hear in the media
• The quality and number of our peers
• Our thinking processes about our experiences
• Observations we make of other people
• Advice we receive from others

Unfortunately, core beliefs can also be based on adverse childhood experiences and the resulting attachment styles. We may believe different things about ourselves related to the trauma (abuse or neglect) we faced in childhood.

Because adverse childhood experiences often alter core beliefs, many who have a wide range of these experiences often have complex post-traumatic stress disorder as well.

Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and Negative Core Beliefs

One of the core features of complex post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD) is the loss of positive core beliefs. This loss can lead to distrust, shame, guilt, and alienation from other people.

People with CPTSD view themselves negatively and the world as a hazardous and complicated place. Too often, people who have both CPTSD and negative core beliefs struggle to form and maintain healthy relationships and experience abandonment and abuse that echoes what they knew as children.

Although we cannot avoid having negative core beliefs, there are things we can do to change them and have a more positive outlook about ourselves.

Recognizing Negative Core Beliefs

The first step in changing your core beliefs is understanding what they are and naming them. The way to identify your core beliefs is to do some radical self-reflection and introspection.

Take a hard look at how you feel about the world and yourself. Attention to recurring patterns in your thoughts, behaviors, and emotions is critical. Pay attention to your thoughts that make you feel unsafe, disconnected, or hopeless.

You may be experiencing bouts of self-sabotage, avoidance of others, perfectionism, and people-pleasing (fawning). While you might recognize your negative and positive core beliefs, many people who have worked through their negative thoughts about themselves recommend you seek the help of a mental health professional, as they can help you see yourself more clearly and work things out better.

Replacing Core Beliefs

Although core beliefs are engrained in our being, they are not unchangeable. One can take many paths to change core values, which involve performing emotional work, which takes time.

Psychotherapy allows one to examine oneself in a neutral environment, and the therapist acts as a seeing-eye dog, leading you through the turns and curves involved in getting to know yourself.

In therapy, you may begin to examine how negative core beliefs affect your life, your thinking processes, and your opportunities for advancement. It isn’t easy to move forward with any positive life goals if you believe deep down that you do not deserve them.

To replace harmful core beliefs, you need a plan to allow you to know what a negative core belief is and what to do when one hits you. Remind yourself that negative thought patterns are not productive and instead are highly destructive to your life.

In addition to seeing a counselor, journaling can help you recognize your progress and bring to light any hidden negative beliefs you still harbor.

Ending Our Time Together

Everyone inevitably has at least one negative core belief, as no one’s life at home in childhood was perfect. Also, negative thoughts about oneself are normal if they do not change the trajectory of your life.

I understand negative core beliefs. I was full of negative thoughts about myself when I entered therapy thirty years ago. I thought I was weak and to blame for the abuse I endured when I was a child.

It took a mental health professional who was willing to be patient with me and teach me what to look out for in my thinking. Once I recognized my biased opinions against myself, I could work through them individually and put them to rest.

I will not say that I do not harbor negative core beliefs today, as I am still a bit of a people-pleaser, but I live today free from the baggage I once carried.

I wish to invite you today to examine yourself. Do you feel your life is going nowhere and that you are lost? It is time to look hard at your core beliefs, overcome them, and make a better future for yourself.

Remember, no one owns your future but you.

“Our enemy within is our Core Negative Beliefs. Negative beliefs hide from the Consciousness, and they get exposed by the Magic of Mindfulness and Awareness. Explore Your Core Beliefs, Challenge Existing Beliefs, Train Mindfulness, Understand Beauty, Work with Emptiness, Meditate.” ― Natasa Pantovic Nuit

Pride

CPTSD Foundation wishes to invite you to our Pride Program, offered weekly on Circle. In Pride, we discuss important topics related to complex trauma and how it has affected our lives. The program is led by a fantastic person who understands the issues facing the LGBTQIA+ community.

Come as you are, take what you like, and leave the rest.

The program is offered every Thursday at 7 pm Eastern time through the Circle app. If you are interested, you can find information here. If you are interested, don’t hesitate to contact the support team of CPTSD Foundation and sign up.

We look forward to seeing you there.

Trauma-Informed Partner Support

Since CPTSD Foundation began, we’ve understood the critical role that supportive partners play in the life of a trauma survivor. Spouses, partners, caregivers, siblings, and anyone who is directly involved in the daily life of an adult survivor of complex trauma.

This program provides that safe place of encouragement, support, information, and validation that supportive partners and helpers need. You are safe here, among others who understand the challenges of helping a survivor navigate daily life.

To learn more about this unique program that focuses on encouraging and equipping you, the supportive partner, as you help care not only for the survivor in your life but also for yourself, please get in touch with us by using our contact page.

Shirley Davis

My name is Shirley Davis and I am a freelance writer with over 40-years- experience writing short stories and poetry. Living as I do among the corn and bean fields of Illinois (USA), working from home using the Internet has become the best way to communicate with the world. My interests are wide and varied. I love any kind of science and read several research papers per week to satisfy my curiosity. I have earned an Associate Degree in Psychology and enjoy writing books on the subjects that most interest me.

www.learnaboutdid.com