From the outside, it looks obsessive.
From the inside, it feels like the only way to survive.

Trauma-conditioned control isn’t about power–it’s about protection. It’s the instinct to hold everything in place so nothing can collapse again. And for a long time, that was my reflex, too. I micromanaged everything. I monitored every detail. I tried to outthink disaster. I believed if I could just control enough variables, nothing could hurt me.

I kept that mindset into my forties. Not because I was stubborn, but because I didn’t have any other operating system. The turning point wasn’t peaceful or pretty: it arrived as exhaustion. There eventually arrives a moment where we realize that trying to prevent every possible crisis is more draining than the crisis itself.

Letting go didn’t happen overnight. It wasn’t a spiritual revelation. It was work—slow, uneven, gritty work. Today, twenty years later, I’m not “perfect.” I’m maybe ninety-five percent there, as far as not needing to control so fiercely. But the remaining five percent doesn’t frighten me. It reminds me that healing doesn’t require perfection; it requires awareness, consistency, and self-responsibility.

This is the first truth many trauma survivors never hear:
You do not have to be a flawless human being to reclaim your peace.
You only have to stop letting your reflexes run your life.

Long-term trauma alters the brain.

It wires it toward pessimism—quiet, habitual pessimism—not because we want drama, but because our bodies learned to prepare for the worst. So a late payment feels like financial collapse. A delayed text feels like rejection. A shift in plans feels like abandonment.

It isn’t truth.
It’s trauma.

The brain catastrophizes before it thinks.
It predicts disaster before it considers fact.
Left unchallenged, that pattern blinds us to anything steady, healthy, or good.

And the cost doesn’t stop with the individual. When every conversation becomes a breakdown, a spiral, or another “my life is falling apart” report, even the most loyal people eventually step back. Not out of irritation—but out of emotional fatigue. A support system can hold you, but it cannot carry the entire weight of your unregulated nervous system.

Here is the boundary trauma survivors must learn:
Support helps.
But support cannot do the work for you.

Your mindset is your responsibility. Your regulation is your responsibility. Your reframing is your responsibility.

Reframing gets a bad reputation because people mistake it for “positive thinking.” It’s not. Reframing is trauma rehabilitation. It’s the daily practice of teaching your body that not everything is danger. It’s reminding your brain that a setback is not a collapse. It’s choosing interruptive truth over catastrophic assumption.

When the “my day is ruined” script starts rolling, the goal isn’t to suppress it. The goal is to interrupt it long enough to stop the spiral.

One of the most powerful interrupters I ever used was a simple phrase:
“Well, isn’t this interesting.”

It shifts catastrophe into observation. It pulls the mind out of victimhood and moves it into curiosity. Sometimes this phrase gives me clarity to handle the next step. Sometimes it opens the door for tears because the emotion needed to move. Either way, it breaks the spell. And that second of interruption changes everything.

There are other ways to interrupt the trauma reflex.

• Ask a neutral question:
  What else might be true here?
  Not what else is positive—what else is true.
• Name one fact:
  My body is reacting to a prediction, not a reality.
• Call out the distortion:
  This feels catastrophic, but it’s actually inconvenience.
• Or simplify the moment into the most manageable task:
  What is the next right step?
  Just one step–not twenty.

These small shifts are the only size a traumatized nervous system can swallow.

Big strategies overwhelm. Small strategies interrupt.

And interruption is the beginning of regulation. That’s where peace begins—not when life becomes predictable, but when we stop gripping things we were never meant to control.

Control was a survival tool we developed when the world was unsafe. But peace is a skill we develop when the world is no longer dictates our internal state. We learn to respond without bracing, to adjust without spiraling, to shift without collapsing.

Healing isn’t the absence of difficulty.
Healing is knowing you can handle difficulty without losing yourself.

And the moment we stop gripping what was never ours to hold, something remarkable happens:
Our peace finally comes back.

Sources

The Body Keeps the Score — Bessel van der Kolk, MD (Viking Press)
Trauma and Recovery — Judith Herman, MD (Basic Books)
Principles of Trauma Therapy — John Briere & Catherine Scott (SAGE Publications)
The Polyvagal Theory — Stephen W. Porges (Norton)
Emotional Intelligence and the Brain — Daniel Goleman & Richard Davidson (Bloomsbury)
Cognitive Therapy of Anxiety Disorders — David A. Clark & Aaron T. Beck (Guilford Press)
In An Unspoken Voice — Peter A. Levine, PhD (North Atlantic Books)
The Upward Spiral — Alex Korb, PhD (New Harbinger Publications)
The Neuroscience of Emotion Regulation — James J. Gross (Cambridge University Press)
Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving — Pete Walker, M.A. (Azure Coyote Books)
The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook — McKay, Wood, & Brantley (New Harbinger Publications)
The Science of Positivity — Loretta Graziano Breuning, PhD (Adams Media)
Cognitive Behavior Therapy: Basics and Beyond — Judith S. Beck, PhD (Guilford Press)
Managing Traumatic Stress — Edna Foa, Terence Keane, & Matthew Friedman (Guilford Press)
The Feeling Brain: The Biology and Psychology of Emotions — Elizabeth Johnston & Leah Olson (Norton)

Photo Credit: Unsplash

Guest Post Disclaimer: This guest post is for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing shared here, across CPTSDfoundation.org, any CPTSD Foundation website, our associated communities, or our Social Media accounts, is intended to substitute for or supersede the professional advice and direction of your medical or mental health providers. The thoughts and opinions expressed are those of the guest author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CPTSD Foundation. For further details, please review the following: Terms of Service, Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer

Dr. Mozelle Martin

Dr. Mozelle Martin is a retired trauma therapist and former Clinical Director of a trauma center, with extensive experience in forensic psychology, criminology, and applied ethics. A survivor of childhood and young adulthood trauma, Dr. Martin has dedicated decades to understanding the psychological and ethical complexities of trauma, crime, and accountability. Her career began as a volunteer in a women’s domestic violence shelter, then as a SA hospital advocate, later becoming a Crisis Therapist working alongside law enforcement on the streets of Phoenix. She went on to earn an AS in Psychology, a BS in Forensic Psychology, an MA in Criminology, and a PhD in Applied Ethics, ultimately working extensively in forensic mental health—providing psychological assessments, intervention, and rehabilitative support with inmates and in the community. A published author and lifelong student of life, she continues to explore the relationship and crossovers of forensic science, mental health, and ethical accountability in both historical and modern contexts.

www.InkProfiler.com

I recommend that anyone who experiences flashbacks has loved ones who experience flashbacks or treats people with flashbacks, reads this chapter.

What Happens in the Brain During Flashbacks

“Harvard Medical School was and is at the forefront of the neuroscience revolution, and in 1994 a young psychiatrist, Scott Rauch, was appointed as the first director of the Massachusetts General Hospital Neuroimaging Laboratory. After considering the most relevant questions that this new technology could answer and reading some articles I had written, Scott asked me whether I thought we could study what happens in the brains of people who have flashbacks.”

“The Body Keeps the Score: Mind, Brain and Body in the Transformation of Trauma” by Bessel van der Kolk

After some of van der Kolk’s patients had told him about their flashbacks and “how upsetting it was to be suddenly hijacked by images, feelings, and sounds from the past,” he and his research team took brain scans of people while they were experiencing a flashback. And compared them to brain scans of the same people when they were feeling safe.

This research was done at Harvard Medical School. Their programs and research when it comes to neurobiology and the brain are hailed world-wide.

The Limbic Area & the Amygdala

“Our study clearly showed that when traumatized people are presented with images, sounds, or thoughts related to their particular experience, the amygdala reacts with alarm—even […] years after the event. Activation of this fear center triggers the cascade of stress hormones and nerve impulses that drive up blood pressure, heart rate, and oxygen intake—preparing the body for fight or flight.”

“The Body Keeps the Score: Mind, Brain and Body in the Transformation of Trauma” by Bessel van der Kolk

The limbic area is what is known as the emotional brain. It’s an area that is activated by intense emotion. Within this area is also the amygdala. The area of the brain that “warn[s] us of impending danger and to activate the body’s stress response.”

Broca’s area – The Speech Center

“Our most surprising finding was a white spot in the left frontal lobe of the cortex, in a region called Broca’s area. In this case the change in color meant that there was a significant decrease in that part of the brain. Broca’s area is one of the speech centers of the brain, which is often affected in stroke patients when the blood supply to that region is cut off. Without a functioning Broca’s area, you cannot put your thoughts and feelings into words. Our scans showed that Broca’s area went offline whenever a flashback was triggered. In other words, we had visual proof that the effects of trauma are not necessarily different from—and can overlap with—the effects of physical lesions like strokes.”

“The Body Keeps the Score: Mind, Brain and Body in the Transformation of Trauma” by Bessel van der Kolk

I clearly remember sitting next to a therapist in the passenger seat of his car as part of exposure therapy. I was experiencing a terrible flashback. All he did was constantly ask me to tell him what was going on. I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t put it into words. His frustration grew until he finally said “if you won’t talk to me, I can’t help you.” These words haunt me to this day.

Later, when I tried to explain to him what happened, he completely dismissed me and that I couldn’t speak at that time. It was all me. I was refusing to cooperate, so there was no point in treating me.

Brodman’s Area 19 – The Visual Cortex

“When words fail, haunting images capture the experience and return as nightmares and flashbacks. In contrast to the deactivation of Broca’s area, another region, Brodmann’s area 19, lit up in our participants. This is a region in the visual cortex that registers images when they first enter the brain. We were surprised to see brain activation in this area so long after the original experience of the trauma. Under ordinary conditions raw images registered in area 19 are rapidly diffused to other brain areas that interpret the meaning of what has been seen. Once again, we were witnessing a brain region rekindled as if the trauma were actually occurring.”

“The Body Keeps the Score: Mind, Brain and Body in the Transformation of Trauma” by Bessel van der Kolk

I have no words to accurately describe this. I usually wake up every few hours from nightmares. It’s been like this for more than 8 years now. The frequency of my flashbacks has diminished, but a few years ago they were almost constant.

It’s terrifying. A tiny part of me knows that what I’m re-experiencing is in the past. But that doesn’t help in stopping the flashback from overwhelming me in the here and now.

Deactivation of the Left Side of the Brain During a Flashback

“[…] our scans clearly showed that images of past trauma activate the right hemisphere of the brain and deactivate the left.”

“The Body Keeps the Score: Mind, Brain and Body in the Transformation of Trauma” by Bessel van der Kolk

I think this part affected me the most. I cannot begin to express the feeling of absolute loss of rationality during a flashback. To now realize that half of my brain is deactivated during flashbacks is still hard. Rationally I understand, but my body, my feelings scream in denial. It’s a war. In my core I don’t want to accept this. Even if my brain knows perfectly well that it’s based on research. They’re facts.

“Deactivation of the left hemisphere has a direct impact on the capacity to organize experience into logical sequences and to translate our shifting feelings and perceptions into words. (Broca’s area, which blacks out during flashbacks, is on the left side.) Without sequencing we can’t identify cause and effect, grasp the long-term effects of our actions, or create coherent plans for the future. People who are very upset sometimes say they are “losing their minds.” In technical terms they are experiencing the loss of executive functioning.”

“The Body Keeps the Score: Mind, Brain and Body in the Transformation of Trauma” by Bessel van der Kolk

When I’m not in a flashback, I am perfectly capable of logic and reasoning, and I can easily put perceptions into words. When I’m triggered, I lose this ability. Yet my environment expects me to still be able to do what I can’t. And honestly, I expect it of myself too. Asking my environment to lower their expectations of me has proven impossible. But I can lower my own expectations of myself.

Denial: the Silent Killer

“We now know that there is another possible response to threat, which our scans aren’t yet capable of measuring. Some people simply go into denial: Their bodies register the threat, but their conscious minds go on as if nothing has happened. However, even though the mind may learn to ignore the messages from the emotional brain, the alarm signals don’t stop. The emotional brain keeps working, and stress hormones keep sending signals to the muscles to tense for action or immobilize in collapse. The physical effects on the organs go on unabated until they demand notice when they are expressed as illness. Medications, drugs, and alcohol can also temporarily dull or obliterate unbearable sensations and feelings. But the body continues to keep the score.”

“The Body Keeps the Score: Mind, Brain and Body in the Transformation of Trauma” by Bessel van der Kolk

This. Just this. I was not in denial of acute and chronic traumas in my past. The treatment I received for those worked well, and I still put the lessons I learned then into practice. But I was in denial about my root trauma. Until I collapsed spectacularly about 5 years ago. But the effects of denial started long before that.

Going Against a Hundred Years of Literature

“For a hundred years or more, every textbook of psychology and psychotherapy has advised that some method of talking about distressing feelings can resolve them. However, as we’ve seen, the experience of trauma itself gets in the way of being able to do that. No matter how much insight and understanding we develop, the rational brain is basically impotent to talk the emotional brain out of its own reality. “

“The Body Keeps the Score: Mind, Brain and Body in the Transformation of Trauma” by Bessel van der Kolk

I’ve been trying to explain this to therapists and my environment for as long as I can remember. The assumption that because I can talk about distressing feelings and situations, and can rationally analyze what happens to me when I’m not in a flashback or unhealthy survival mode, has been a hinder.

I wonder why this is so difficult for people to accept. This is my reality. Yet over and over again I’m offered more talk therapy. And then given more diagnoses to try and explain why the talk therapy isn’t working. My greatest breakthroughs in recovering from acute trauma were during somatic therapies.

What Happens in the Brain During Flashbacks

“Harvard Medical School was and is at the forefront of the neuroscience revolution, and in 1994 a young psychiatrist, Scott Rauch, was appointed as the first director of the Massachusetts General Hospital Neuroimaging Laboratory. After considering the most relevant questions that this new technology could answer and reading some articles I had written, Scott asked me whether I thought we could study what happens in the brains of people who have flashbacks.”

“The Body Keeps the Score: Mind, Brain and Body in the Transformation of Trauma” by Bessel van der Kolk

After some of van der Kolk’s patients had told him about their flashbacks and “how upsetting it was to be suddenly hijacked by images, feelings, and sounds from the past,” he and his research team took brain scans of people while they were experiencing a flashback. And compared them to brain scans of the same people when they were feeling safe.

This research was done at Harvard Medical School. Their programs and research when it comes to neurobiology and the brain are hailed world-wide.

The Limbic Area & the Amygdala

“Our study clearly showed that when traumatized people are presented with images, sounds, or thoughts related to their particular experience, the amygdala reacts with alarm—even […] years after the event. Activation of this fear center triggers the cascade of stress hormones and nerve impulses that drive up blood pressure, heart rate, and oxygen intake—preparing the body for fight or flight.”

“The Body Keeps the Score: Mind, Brain and Body in the Transformation of Trauma” by Bessel van der Kolk

The limbic area is what is known as the emotional brain. It’s an area that is activated by intense emotion. Within this area is also the amygdala. The area of the brain that “warn[s] us of impending danger and to activate the body’s stress response.”

I have written before that trauma can affect people physically. “Exposure to complex trauma in early childhood leads to structural and functional brain changes. […] Proven structural changes include enlargement of the amygdala, the alarm center of the brain.”

Broca’s area – The Speech Center

“Our most surprising finding was a white spot in the left frontal lobe of the cortex, in a region called Broca’s area. In this case the change in color meant that there was a significant decrease in that part of the brain. Broca’s area is one of the speech centers of the brain, which is often affected in stroke patients when the blood supply to that region is cut off. Without a functioning Broca’s area, you cannot put your thoughts and feelings into words. Our scans showed that Broca’s area went offline whenever a flashback was triggered. In other words, we had visual proof that the effects of trauma are not necessarily different from—and can overlap with—the effects of physical lesions like strokes.”

“The Body Keeps the Score: Mind, Brain and Body in the Transformation of Trauma” by Bessel van der Kolk

I remember clearly sitting next to a therapist in the passenger seat of his car as part of exposure therapy. I was experiencing a terrible flashback. All he did was constantly ask me to tell him what was going on. I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t put it into words. His frustration grew until he finally said “If you won’t talk to me, I can’t help you.” These words haunt me to this day.

Later, when I tried to explain to him what happened, he completely dismissed me and that I couldn’t speak at that time. It was all me. I was refusing to cooperate, so there was no point in treating me.

“Even years later traumatized people often have enormous difficulty telling other people what has happened to them. Their bodies reexperience terror, rage, and helplessness, as well as the impulse to fight or flee, but these feelings are almost impossible to articulate. Trauma by nature drives us to the edge of comprehension, cutting us off from language based on common experience or an imaginable past.”

“The Body Keeps the Score: Mind, Brain and Body in the Transformation of Trauma” by Bessel van der Kolk

I can talk about what happened to me. What was done to me? But in order to do that I need to shut off all feeling. Which is triggering in itself. It turns out I’m not alone in this. It’s called denial and comes up a little later in this chapter.

Brodman’s Area 19 – The Visual Cortex

“When words fail, haunting images capture the experience and return as nightmares and flashbacks. In contrast to the deactivation of Broca’s area, another region, Brodmann’s area 19, lit up in our participants. This is a region in the visual cortex that registers images when they first enter the brain. We were surprised to see brain activation in this area so long after the original experience of the trauma. Under ordinary conditions raw images registered in area 19 are rapidly diffused to other brain areas that interpret the meaning of what has been seen. Once again, we were witnessing a brain region rekindled as if the trauma were actually occurring.”

“The Body Keeps the Score: Mind, Brain and Body in the Transformation of Trauma” by Bessel van der Kolk

I have no words to accurately describe this. I usually wake up every few hours from nightmares. It’s been like this for more than 8 years now. The frequency of my flashbacks has diminished, but a few years ago they were almost constant.

It’s terrifying. A tiny part of me knows that what I’m re-experiencing is in the past. But that doesn’t help me in stopping the flashback from overwhelming me in the here and now.

“Similar sensations often trigger a flashback that brings them back into consciousness, apparently unmodified by the passage of time.”

“The Body Keeps the Score: Mind, Brain and Body in the Transformation of Trauma” by Bessel van der Kolk

Since I was a little kid it was explained to me that I would experience things that would scare me or make me nervous. I was told and believed that this would go away with the passage of time. Mostly they never did.

Deactivation of the Left Side of the Brain During a Flashback

“[…] our scans clearly showed that images of past trauma activate the right hemisphere of the brain and deactivate the left.”

“The Body Keeps the Score: Mind, Brain and Body in the Transformation of Trauma” by Bessel van der Kolk

I think this part affected me the most. I cannot begin to express the feeling of absolute loss of rationality during a flashback. To now realize that half of my brain is deactivated during flashbacks is still hard. Rationally I understand, but my body, my feelings scream in denial. It’s a war. In my core I don’t want to accept this. Even if my brain knows perfectly well that it’s based on research. They’re facts.

“Deactivation of the left hemisphere has a direct impact on the capacity to organize experience into logical sequences and to translate our shifting feelings and perceptions into words. (Broca’s area, which blacks out during flashbacks, is on the left side.) Without sequencing we can’t identify cause and effect, grasp the long-term effects of our actions, or create coherent plans for the future. People who are very upset sometimes say they are “losing their minds.” In technical terms they are experiencing the loss of executive functioning.”

“The Body Keeps the Score: Mind, Brain and Body in the Transformation of Trauma” by Bessel van der Kolk

When I’m not in a flashback, I am perfectly capable of logic and reasoning, and I can easily put perceptions into words. When I’m triggered, I lose this ability. Yet my environment expects me to still be able to do what I can’t. And honestly, I expect it of myself too. Asking my environment to lower their expectations of me has proven impossible. But I can lower my own expectations of myself.

Trauma Interferes with Awareness

When something reminds traumatized people of the past, their right brain reacts as if the traumatic event were happening in the present. But because their left brain is not working very well, they may not be aware that they are reexperiencing and reenacting the past—they are just furious, terrified, enraged, ashamed, or frozen. After the emotional storm passes, they may look for something or somebody to blame for it. They behaved the way they did because you were ten minutes late, or because you burned the potatoes, or because you “never listen to me.” Of course, most of us have done this from time to time, but when we cool down, we hopefully can admit our mistake. Trauma interferes with this kind of awareness, and, over time, our research demonstrated why.

“The Body Keeps the Score: Mind, Brain and Body in the Transformation of Trauma” by Bessel van der Kolk

I REALLY want to skip ahead and read the research into this. Not just for myself. By now I’m fairly aware of my reactions and behavior. I still can’t always stop it from happening, but I have always tried to go back and explain my reactions. These days the people closest to me accept this of me. And when they experience it themselves, have started to reciprocate. It’s a process. One that is incredibly helpful to me.

The Essence Does Not Equal Integration

“I am continually impressed by how difficult it is for people who have gone through the unspeakable to convey the essence of their experience. It is so much easier for them to talk about what has been done to them—to tell a story of victimization and revenge—than to notice, feel, and put into words the reality of their internal experience. Our scans had revealed how their dread persisted and could be triggered by multiple aspects of daily experience. They had not integrated their experience into the ongoing stream of their life. They continued to be “there” and did not know how to be “here”—fully alive in the present.”

“The Body Keeps the Score: Mind, Brain and Body in the Transformation of Trauma” by Bessel van der Kolk

I can’t adequately explain the impact of this on me. I can convey the essence of my experience. So in that sense I’m much further along than some. Yet when I do convey the essence, it’s treated as though it’s nothing. Reading that an expert in the field of trauma is impressed by people who can is ambiguous. Maybe because I trivialize myself in this. I don’t find it impressive at all; it is a basic necessity in order to survive for me.

The Personal

I objectively have experienced complex trauma and chronic trauma since early childhood.

Yet whenever I have tried to talk to my environment about the possibility that this might have affected my brain physically, I am ignored or asked not to consider it until it’s proven by an actual brain scan of my brain. And mental health care professionals here in Aruba have refused to even discuss these possibilities with me, except as a sign of another disorder.

I am told they work according to evidence-based approaches, yet when I show evidence, by world-renowned scientists and research institutes such as Harvard, it’s still not enough. What will it take?

And even if there would be irrefutable proof, what then?

Being Asked to Provide Evidence, Then Promptly Ignoring the Evidence

This is particularly triggering to me for a rather bizarre reason. I come from a family where law is heavily respected and a large part of my family have studied law. And the other side of my family comes from generations of people who have studied at University. So logic and proof were par for the course from both sides of my family.

Since childhood, I learned a very important lesson, that I still haven’t completely unlearned. If I can’t prove something, it can’t be true. That’s fine in legal professions or in academic circles. But not when it comes to dealing with children and their emotions and reactions.

A Plea to Anyone Who Deals With Traumatized People

Most people don’t react differently for no reason. I beg of anyone, whether you’re a parent or a partner or even a therapist, to please stop putting the burden of proof on the person who’s traumatized. They’re traumatized; that’s all the proof you need in order to support them in their journey to find the proof they need to resolve their experiences.

And if along the way you help them find proof that can be used in a court of law, or to help them get therapies that actually work, that’s just a bonus.

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In a little over a week, I and the (mental) health director of the Jeffry Stijn Foundation for Mental Health and Patient Advocacy, will be attending the 34th Annual Boston International Trauma Conference virtually. A few days ago I decided to read Bessel van der Kolk‘s “The Body Keeps the Score” and journal as I read.

I was planning on writing a summary post after I was done. But Chapter 3: Looking into the Brain. The Neuroscience Revolution, demanded immediate attention.

Here’s an excerpt from the original post.

Chapter 3: Looking into the Brain. The Neuroscience Revolution

People have physical reactions during Flashbacks. Heart rate and blood pressure go up. The fear center of the brain gets activated. Being able to speak goes out the window. Images flash by as if they are happening here and now. Not in the past. It feels like losing one’s mind.

There are brain scans made 30 years ago at Harvard University that show why this is.

I recommend that anyone who experiences flashbacks has loved ones who experience flashbacks or treats people with flashbacks, reads this chapter.

What Happens in the Brain During Flashbacks

“Harvard Medical School was and is at the forefront of the neuroscience revolution, and in 1994 a young psychiatrist, Scott Rauch, was appointed as the first director of the Massachusetts General Hospital Neuroimaging Laboratory. After considering the most relevant questions that this new technology could answer and reading some articles I had written, Scott asked me whether I thought we could study what happens in the brains of people who have flashbacks.”

“The Body Keeps the Score: Mind, Brain and Body in the Transformation of Trauma” by Bessel van der Kolk

After some of van der Kolk’s patients had told him about their flashbacks and “how upsetting it was to be suddenly hijacked by images, feelings, and sounds from the past,” he and his research team took brain scans of people while they were experiencing a flashback. And compared them to brain scans of the same people when they were feeling safe.

This research was done at Harvard Medical School. Their programs and research when it comes to neurobiology and the brain are hailed world-wide.

The Limbic Area & the Amygdala

“Our study clearly showed that when traumatized people are presented with images, sounds, or thoughts related to their particular experience, the amygdala reacts with alarm—even […] years after the event. Activation of this fear center triggers the cascade of stress hormones and nerve impulses that drive up blood pressure, heart rate, and oxygen intake—preparing the body for fight or flight.”

“The Body Keeps the Score: Mind, Brain and Body in the Transformation of Trauma” by Bessel van der Kolk

The limbic area is what is known as the emotional brain. It’s an area that is activated by intense emotion. Within this area is also the amygdala. The area of the brain that “warn[s] us of impending danger and to activate the body’s stress response.”

Broca’s area – The Speech Center

“Our most surprising finding was a white spot in the left frontal lobe of the cortex, in a region called Broca’s area. In this case the change in color meant that there was a significant decrease in that part of the brain. Broca’s area is one of the speech centers of the brain, which is often affected in stroke patients when the blood supply to that region is cut off. Without a functioning Broca’s area, you cannot put your thoughts and feelings into words. Our scans showed that Broca’s area went offline whenever a flashback was triggered. In other words, we had visual proof that the effects of trauma are not necessarily different from—and can overlap with—the effects of physical lesions like strokes.”

“The Body Keeps the Score: Mind, Brain and Body in the Transformation of Trauma” by Bessel van der Kolk

I clearly remember sitting next to a therapist in the passenger seat of his car as part of exposure therapy. I was experiencing a terrible flashback. All he did was constantly ask me to tell him what was going on. I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t put it into words. His frustration grew until he finally said “if you won’t talk to me, I can’t help you.” These words haunt me to this day.

Later, when I tried to explain to him what happened, he completely dismissed me and that I couldn’t speak at that time. It was all me. I was refusing to cooperate, so there was no point in treating me.

Brodman’s Area 19 – The Visual Cortex

“When words fail, haunting images capture the experience and return as nightmares and flashbacks. In contrast to the deactivation of Broca’s area, another region, Brodmann’s area 19, lit up in our participants. This is a region in the visual cortex that registers images when they first enter the brain. We were surprised to see brain activation in this area so long after the original experience of the trauma. Under ordinary conditions raw images registered in area 19 are rapidly diffused to other brain areas that interpret the meaning of what has been seen. Once again, we were witnessing a brain region rekindled as if the trauma were actually occurring.”

“The Body Keeps the Score: Mind, Brain and Body in the Transformation of Trauma” by Bessel van der Kolk

I have no words to accurately describe this. I usually wake up every few hours from nightmares. It’s been like this for more than 8 years now. The frequency of my flashbacks has diminished, but a few years ago they were almost constant.

It’s terrifying. A tiny part of me knows that what I’m re-experiencing is in the past. But that doesn’t help in stopping the flashback from overwhelming me in the here and now.

Deactivation of the Left Side of the Brain During a Flashback

“[…] our scans clearly showed that images of past trauma activate the right hemisphere of the brain and deactivate the left.”

“The Body Keeps the Score: Mind, Brain and Body in the Transformation of Trauma” by Bessel van der Kolk

I think this part affected me the most. I cannot begin to express the feeling of absolute loss of rationality during a flashback. To now realize that half of my brain is deactivated during flashbacks is still hard. Rationally I understand, but my body, my feelings scream in denial. It’s a war. In my core I don’t want to accept this. Even if my brain knows perfectly well that it’s based on research. They’re facts.

“Deactivation of the left hemisphere has a direct impact on the capacity to organize experience into logical sequences and to translate our shifting feelings and perceptions into words. (Broca’s area, which blacks out during flashbacks, is on the left side.) Without sequencing we can’t identify cause and effect, grasp the long-term effects of our actions, or create coherent plans for the future. People who are very upset sometimes say they are “losing their minds.” In technical terms they are experiencing the loss of executive functioning.”

“The Body Keeps the Score: Mind, Brain and Body in the Transformation of Trauma” by Bessel van der Kolk

When I’m not in a flashback, I am perfectly capable of logic and reasoning, and I can easily put perceptions into words. When I’m triggered, I lose this ability. Yet my environment expects me to still be able to do what I can’t. And honestly, I expect it of myself too. Asking my environment to lower their expectations of me has proven impossible. But I can lower my own expectations of myself.

Denial: the Silent Killer

“We now know that there is another possible response to threat, which our scans aren’t yet capable of measuring. Some people simply go into denial: Their bodies register the threat, but their conscious minds go on as if nothing has happened. However, even though the mind may learn to ignore the messages from the emotional brain, the alarm signals don’t stop. The emotional brain keeps working, and stress hormones keep sending signals to the muscles to tense for action or immobilize in collapse. The physical effects on the organs go on unabated until they demand notice when they are expressed as illness. Medications, drugs, and alcohol can also temporarily dull or obliterate unbearable sensations and feelings. But the body continues to keep the score.”

“The Body Keeps the Score: Mind, Brain and Body in the Transformation of Trauma” by Bessel van der Kolk

This. Just this. I was not in denial of acute and chronic traumas in my past. The treatment I received for those worked well, and I still put the lessons I learned then into practice. But I was in denial about my root trauma. Until I collapsed spectacularly about 5 years ago. But the effects of denial started long before that.

Going Against a Hundred Years of Literature

“For a hundred years or more, every textbook of psychology and psychotherapy has advised that some method of talking about distressing feelings can resolve them. However, as we’ve seen, the experience of trauma itself gets in the way of being able to do that. No matter how much insight and understanding we develop, the rational brain is basically impotent to talk the emotional brain out of its own reality. “

“The Body Keeps the Score: Mind, Brain and Body in the Transformation of Trauma” by Bessel van der Kolk

I’ve been trying to explain this to therapists and my environment for as long as I can remember. The assumption that because I can talk about distressing feelings and situations, and can rationally analyze what happens to me when I’m not in a flashback or unhealthy survival mode, has been a hinder.

I wonder why this is so difficult for people to accept. This is my reality. Yet over and over again I’m offered more talk therapy. And then given more diagnoses to try and explain why the talk therapy isn’t working. My greatest breakthroughs in recovering from acute trauma were during somatic therapies.

What Happens in the Brain During Flashbacks

“Harvard Medical School was and is at the forefront of the neuroscience revolution, and in 1994 a young psychiatrist, Scott Rauch, was appointed as the first director of the Massachusetts General Hospital Neuroimaging Laboratory. After considering the most relevant questions that this new technology could answer and reading some articles I had written, Scott asked me whether I thought we could study what happens in the brains of people who have flashbacks.”

“The Body Keeps the Score: Mind, Brain and Body in the Transformation of Trauma” by Bessel van der Kolk

After some of van der Kolk’s patients had told him about their flashbacks and “how upsetting it was to be suddenly hijacked by images, feelings, and sounds from the past,” he and his research team took brain scans of people while they were experiencing a flashback. And compared them to brain scans of the same people when they were feeling safe.

This research was done at Harvard Medical School. Their programs and research when it comes to neurobiology and the brain are hailed world-wide.

The Limbic Area & the Amygdala

“Our study clearly showed that when traumatized people are presented with images, sounds, or thoughts related to their particular experience, the amygdala reacts with alarm—even […] years after the event. Activation of this fear center triggers the cascade of stress hormones and nerve impulses that drive up blood pressure, heart rate, and oxygen intake—preparing the body for fight or flight.”

“The Body Keeps the Score: Mind, Brain and Body in the Transformation of Trauma” by Bessel van der Kolk

The limbic area is what is known as the emotional brain. It’s an area that is activated by intense emotion. Within this area is also the amygdala. The area of the brain that “warn[s] us of impending danger and to activate the body’s stress response.”

I have written before that trauma can affect people physically. “Exposure to complex trauma in early childhood leads to structural and functional brain changes. […] Proven structural changes include enlargement of the amygdala, the alarm center of the brain.”

Broca’s area – The Speech Center

“Our most surprising finding was a white spot in the left frontal lobe of the cortex, in a region called Broca’s area. In this case the change in color meant that there was a significant decrease in that part of the brain. Broca’s area is one of the speech centers of the brain, which is often affected in stroke patients when the blood supply to that region is cut off. Without a functioning Broca’s area, you cannot put your thoughts and feelings into words. Our scans showed that Broca’s area went offline whenever a flashback was triggered. In other words, we had visual proof that the effects of trauma are not necessarily different from—and can overlap with—the effects of physical lesions like strokes.”

“The Body Keeps the Score: Mind, Brain and Body in the Transformation of Trauma” by Bessel van der Kolk

I remember clearly sitting next to a therapist in the passenger seat of his car as part of exposure therapy. I was experiencing a terrible flashback. All he did was constantly ask me to tell him what was going on. I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t put it into words. His frustration grew until he finally said “If you won’t talk to me, I can’t help you.” These words haunt me to this day.

Later, when I tried to explain to him what happened, he completely dismissed me and that I couldn’t speak at that time. It was all me. I was refusing to cooperate, so there was no point in treating me.

“Even years later traumatized people often have enormous difficulty telling other people what has happened to them. Their bodies reexperience terror, rage, and helplessness, as well as the impulse to fight or flee, but these feelings are almost impossible to articulate. Trauma by nature drives us to the edge of comprehension, cutting us off from language based on common experience or an imaginable past.”

“The Body Keeps the Score: Mind, Brain and Body in the Transformation of Trauma” by Bessel van der Kolk

I can talk about what happened to me. What was done to me? But in order to do that I need to shut off all feeling. Which is triggering in itself. It turns out I’m not alone in this. It’s called denial and comes up a little later in this chapter.

Brodman’s Area 19 – The Visual Cortex

“When words fail, haunting images capture the experience and return as nightmares and flashbacks. In contrast to the deactivation of Broca’s area, another region, Brodmann’s area 19, lit up in our participants. This is a region in the visual cortex that registers images when they first enter the brain. We were surprised to see brain activation in this area so long after the original experience of the trauma. Under ordinary conditions raw images registered in area 19 are rapidly diffused to other brain areas that interpret the meaning of what has been seen. Once again, we were witnessing a brain region rekindled as if the trauma were actually occurring.”

“The Body Keeps the Score: Mind, Brain and Body in the Transformation of Trauma” by Bessel van der Kolk

I have no words to accurately describe this. I usually wake up every few hours from nightmares. It’s been like this for more than 8 years now. The frequency of my flashbacks has diminished, but a few years ago they were almost constant.

It’s terrifying. A tiny part of me knows that what I’m re-experiencing is in the past. But that doesn’t help me in stopping the flashback from overwhelming me in the here and now.

“Similar sensations often trigger a flashback that brings them back into consciousness, apparently unmodified by the passage of time.”

“The Body Keeps the Score: Mind, Brain and Body in the Transformation of Trauma” by Bessel van der Kolk

Since I was a little kid it was explained to me that I would experience things that would scare me or make me nervous. I was told and believed that this would go away with the passage of time. Mostly they never did.

Deactivation of the Left Side of the Brain During a Flashback

“[…] our scans clearly showed that images of past trauma activate the right hemisphere of the brain and deactivate the left.”

“The Body Keeps the Score: Mind, Brain and Body in the Transformation of Trauma” by Bessel van der Kolk

I think this part affected me the most. I cannot begin to express the feeling of absolute loss of rationality during a flashback. To now realize that half of my brain is deactivated during flashbacks is still hard. Rationally I understand, but my body, my feelings scream in denial. It’s a war. In my core I don’t want to accept this. Even if my brain knows perfectly well that it’s based on research. They’re facts.

“Deactivation of the left hemisphere has a direct impact on the capacity to organize experience into logical sequences and to translate our shifting feelings and perceptions into words. (Broca’s area, which blacks out during flashbacks, is on the left side.) Without sequencing we can’t identify cause and effect, grasp the long-term effects of our actions, or create coherent plans for the future. People who are very upset sometimes say they are “losing their minds.” In technical terms they are experiencing the loss of executive functioning.”

“The Body Keeps the Score: Mind, Brain and Body in the Transformation of Trauma” by Bessel van der Kolk

When I’m not in a flashback, I am perfectly capable of logic and reasoning, and I can easily put perceptions into words. When I’m triggered, I lose this ability. Yet my environment expects me to still be able to do what I can’t. And honestly, I expect it of myself too. Asking my environment to lower their expectations of me has proven impossible. But I can lower my own expectations of myself.

Trauma Interferes with Awareness

When something reminds traumatized people of the past, their right brain reacts as if the traumatic event were happening in the present. But because their left brain is not working very well, they may not be aware that they are reexperiencing and reenacting the past—they are just furious, terrified, enraged, ashamed, or frozen. After the emotional storm passes, they may look for something or somebody to blame for it. They behaved the way they did because you were ten minutes late, or because you burned the potatoes, or because you “never listen to me.” Of course, most of us have done this from time to time, but when we cool down, we hopefully can admit our mistake. Trauma interferes with this kind of awareness, and, over time, our research demonstrated why.

“The Body Keeps the Score: Mind, Brain and Body in the Transformation of Trauma” by Bessel van der Kolk

I REALLY want to skip ahead and read the research into this. Not just for myself. By now I’m fairly aware of my reactions and behavior. I still can’t always stop it from happening, but I have always tried to go back and explain my reactions. These days the people closest to me accept this of me. And when they experience it themselves, have started to reciprocate. It’s a process. One that is incredibly helpful to me.

The Essence Does Not Equal Integration

“I am continually impressed by how difficult it is for people who have gone through the unspeakable to convey the essence of their experience. It is so much easier for them to talk about what has been done to them—to tell a story of victimization and revenge—than to notice, feel, and put into words the reality of their internal experience. Our scans had revealed how their dread persisted and could be triggered by multiple aspects of daily experience. They had not integrated their experience into the ongoing stream of their life. They continued to be “there” and did not know how to be “here”—fully alive in the present.”

“The Body Keeps the Score: Mind, Brain and Body in the Transformation of Trauma” by Bessel van der Kolk

I can’t adequately explain the impact of this on me. I can convey the essence of my experience. So in that sense I’m much further along than some. Yet when I do convey the essence, it’s treated as though it’s nothing. Reading that an expert in the field of trauma is impressed by people who can is ambiguous. Maybe because I trivialize myself in this. I don’t find it impressive at all; it is a basic necessity in order to survive for me.

The Personal

I objectively have experienced complex trauma and chronic trauma since early childhood.

Yet whenever I have tried to talk to my environment about the possibility that this might have affected my brain physically, I am ignored or asked not to consider it until it’s proven by an actual brain scan of my brain. And mental health care professionals here in Aruba have refused to even discuss these possibilities with me, except as a sign of another disorder.

I am told they work according to evidence-based approaches, yet when I show evidence, by world-renowned scientists and research institutes such as Harvard, it’s still not enough. What will it take?

And even if there would be irrefutable proof, what then?

Being Asked to Provide Evidence, Then Promptly Ignoring the Evidence

This is particularly triggering to me for a rather bizarre reason. I come from a family where law is heavily respected and a large part of my family have studied law. And the other side of my family comes from generations of people who have studied at University. So logic and proof were par for the course from both sides of my family.

Since childhood, I learned a very important lesson, that I still haven’t completely unlearned. If I can’t prove something, it can’t be true. That’s fine in legal professions or in academic circles. But not when it comes to dealing with children and their emotions and reactions.

A Plea to Anyone Who Deals With Traumatized People

Most people don’t react differently for no reason. I beg of anyone, whether you’re a parent or a partner or even a therapist, to please stop putting the burden of proof on the person who’s traumatized. They’re traumatized; that’s all the proof you need in order to support them in their journey to find the proof they need to resolve their experiences.

And if along the way you help them find proof that can be used in a court of law, or to help them get therapies that actually work, that’s just a bonus.

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Julie Faruba

Julie is a renaissance woman. Mental health patient advocate. Certified compliance professional. Avid reader. Amateur writer. Passionate dancer. Animal friend. Life-long student. Free speech proponent. Human rights champion. Devil’s advocate debater. Complex Trauma Experience Expert.

jsfaruba.com

My name is Elizabeth and I am a survivor of sexual abuse. I suffered the worst abuse during my first years if you can call any sexual abuse worse than any other.

I think the fact that I was so young made the pedophiles clamor over me like bees to a honey pot with my so-called father as the dictator. I was loaned out, gang raped, and experimented on like a lab rat. Despite my young age, I remember almost everything that was done to me because it was so traumatic. My young mind couldn’t process it and replaced those images with sheer terror.

I didn’t have the words to explain and I cannot remember their names or all their faces. I remember it as a young child experiencing sex with someone quadruple their size – terrifying! The sexual abuse I suffered for years after with my so-called father was also terrifying but it is those earliest memories of trauma that are the worst.

In this article, I want to share with you how I took my healing into my own hands and over-wrote the most painful trauma memories with my adult understanding of what happened to me. By doing this, I have changed the way those memories are stored in my brain and they do not hurt as much.

I will never forget, nor will I stop hurting but I have found an inner peace within me, which helps when I look forward to the future.

It’s only in recent years that I have had the strength in my own mind to go back into my past and focus on what actually was happening to me. I decided I needed to know. The truth hurt because as an adult, I can now understand how much they hurt me, not just physically but emotionally too. My brain remembered it all in 4D cinema as I went back seeing and feeling it with adult eyes. I reached out to the younger me on a deep level, reassuring my younger self that I understood. I will never forgive them for what they did to me but I have forgiven myself for being there.

I have accepted that there was no way I could have fought my abusers and escaped from it. I have accepted my past and recognized how it has affected me growing up into the adult I am today. After looking at pictures of myself as a young child, I was shocked to see how vulnerable  It has taken years to get to this point but I feel at peace with myself.

Accepting strange child narratives from the past

I recently had a CT scan in the hospital. It made me remember vividly when I had a CT scan as a young girl and how terrified I was. I had a lot of severe vaginal infections and STDs due to the abuse. The evidence was obvious for all to see and yet nobody did. I know now that the doctors needed to do a CT scan to find out if my kidneys were damaged. My thoughts went back to that day. Mother did not explain why I had to go into a machine and the doctors didn’t talk to me because I was so young and directed all their talk to mother. I remember hearing how “I couldn’t understand” so they would speak to my mother and not me. To a child that is one of the most degrading things an adult can say. A child can actually understand a lot more than given credit by adults.

The worst thing an adult can do is ignore the child, talk over it, or worse – lie. All of those happened on that day and it has haunted me for years. Now, I finally have closure as I understand what was happening to me that day and why.

My adult self let the memories of the CT scanner flood my brain as I lay inside it on the gurney and heard it scanning my body. It took about 15 minutes and then a technician injected a dye for a second high-resolution scan. That feeling when the dye enters the veins and runs through the body all the way down to the lower abdomen was something I recognized immediately.

It was the warmth of it, spreading throughout my body and filling me with an odd sensation as my memory floated back to the young me going through the exact same sensation. This time I understood what was done to me. This time, the CT machine, or the spaceship that the young me called it, did not frighten me. I knew I was safe and that the machine was helping me to find a diagnosis. In my childhood, I believed I had been abducted by aliens and brainwashed. My mind made up a story of that dye being some kind of drug and a control chip in my body, making me bad and forcing me to do bad things.

The brain is an incredible organ. It absorbs all information and stores it. Most often we can recall those memories at will and remember happy times. Trauma memories are not like that as they are stored incorrectly in the brain due to the nature of their characteristics.

The individual cannot understand what happened and why because of the horror attached to them. I hope in this article, I have explained how I managed to re-write those traumatic memories and file them away in storage where they do not hurt me as much.

I do hope that you, my survivor friends out there, will be able to do the same and get your peace one day.

My name is Elizabeth and I am a survivor.

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer and Terms of Service.

Elizabeth Woods

For more about me: https://www.elizabethwoodsauthor.com

Elizabeth Woods grew up in a world of brutal sex offenders, murderers, and inconceivably neglectful adults. Elizabeth is passionate about spreading awareness of what it is like to survive after trauma. She is the author of several books and has written her memoir, telling her childhood story: The Sex-Offender’s Daughter: A True Story of Survival Against All Odds, available on Amazon Kindle and paperback.

Elizabeth is also the author of “Living with Complex PTSD” and the Cedar’s Port Fiction series: “Saving Joshua”, “Protecting Sarah”, “Guarding Noah” and “Bringing Back Faith,” and “Restoring Hope,” available here: https://www.amazon.com/stores/author/B0BCBZQN7L/allbooks?ingress=0&visitId=7e223b5b-1a29-45f0-ad9d-e9c8fdb59e9c&ref_=ap_rdr&ccs_id=931f96e2-c220-4765-acc8-cc99bb95e8bd

www.elizabethwoodsauthor.com/

Created in Canva by Jamie Donmoyer

Perched on a stone wall between Starbucks and a fancy purse boutique, I peer over my phone. The Hollywood Tower of Terror glows in the distance as determined parents push strollers filled with exhausted toddlers, bubble machines, and sippy cups. They can’t leave without riding “Mickey’s Runaway Railway!”

Buzz! Not the character, it’s my phone. Is my family done riding Rock ‘n Roller Coaster? Nope! It’s my email.

“Thank you for applying. Although your skills are impressive-“ No need to read on. This is the 10th rejection I’ve gotten in the past few months. I remind myself that it didn’t pay what I needed, that I was overqualified, and that I didn’t even want the job, but it’s too late. The buildings around me are already melting, my ears ring, and a cold, icy fear shoots through my body, tightening every muscle. You’re worthless, you’ve failed. Instant dissociation.

Made in Canva by Jamie Donmoyer

This extreme reaction to something that’s seemingly benign is brought to me by Complex PTSD. Externally, nothing happened. I glanced at my phone and looked away. Internally, I’m terrified, lost in an emotional flashback.

When a soldier responds to fireworks as if it’s gunfire, that makes sense to people, but an email rejection for a job you don’t even want, what’s the big deal?

How I wish I knew the answer. I’d love to brush it off. My nervous system just won’t let me. In the meantime, I fight to stay present as my head fills with static. Voices swirl in a tornado of criticism. Teachers, bosses, friends, and my parents.

My father’s covert narcissistic abuse created a family cult. He was the hero or victim and I was his scapegoat, labeled as a dramatic, attention-seeking liar. It was an upside-down world where emotions were dangerous. You never knew when the rage, silent treatment, or targeted attack would occur. I had a village of people telling me he was right and I was wrong.

Now, I clench my phone and shake as shame takes over. Snap out of it! You’re in “the most magical place on Earth.” Be happy! I’m on autopilot. Shaming my shame only makes things worse. What if my husband sees me like this? He always reminds me not to put all my eggs in one basket. Did I do that with this job? I must have! HIDE! HIDE! HIDE!

Anyone who knows my husband knows that he’s the last person anyone needs to hide from. He’s patient, kind, and understanding, but I’m scared of everyone and everything when I’m in a trauma response. My therapist says the rational part of my brain (prefrontal cortex) goes offline. It’s underdeveloped from years of child abuse. Brain scans of children who experience prolonged child abuse match those of children who grew up in war zones. Our fight-or-flight survival instinct is permanently switched on.

Now I’m in “fix-it” mode. I do my go-to helpful things. I text my sister, deep breathe, and write it out, but the panic is here to stay. How ironic that I didn’t ride the roller coaster because I’m working to un-adrenalize my nervous system, and now just because I read a few words, my ears are numb and have a heartbeat.

Awkwardly, I rejoin my family trying not to explode. Alternate nostril breathing, in…out…in…AH!!! By the time we reach the exit I confess, “I checked my email and I didn’t get the job and I’m having a big reaction to it.” I brace for shame. There’s no scolding, just understanding. By the time we reach the car I’m crying. Hard. An emotional release. That’s new.

Usually, I panic, shame myself for panicking, then get frustrated and shut down. Instead, I’m flooded with flashbacks. Deep hurts surface. I’m misunderstood. People don’t believe me. People don’t see me. People don’t like me.

It turns out that by confessing my shame instead of hiding it, my nervous system opened a portal to deep trauma called a “Trailhead.” Instead of popping up and disappearing, the trauma pops up and opens the door to the original wound. Fascinating.

Trailheads are part of the “Internal Family Systems Theory.” My therapist explained that in order to not melt down, my body protected itself by splitting off into traumatized parts. 3yr old, 5 yr old, 7 yr old Jamies, for example. The routes to these parts are heavily protected. I wrote about this evidence-based psychotherapy theory in a previous post:

EMDR Adventures: Community Room and Internal Family Systems

Not being able to access the trauma directly has been a huge obstacle to healing. Because I’ve suppressed my emotions for so long, my nervous system gets confused. I have big reactions to small things and small, or non-existent reactions to big things. 

I rarely cry or feel sad when someone dies. I just feel numb. No detectable reaction. Trauma gets buried deep, hidden by protectors and it never heals. It just loops internally, constantly reliving the nightmare.

However, when something small happens, deeper feelings sneak past my nervous system’s guards creating a disproportionate reaction. It’s like the big trauma finds an escape route and runs as fast as it can until it gets caught and sent back. Because this extreme reaction has been labeled “dramatic” or “overreacting” for my whole life, I immediately experience paralyzing shame and hide/shut down. The shame is like an impenetrable roadblock but learning to identify and calm the shame allows me to break through. I can stay open long enough to follow the trailhead (emotional response) to the trauma itself. GAME CHANGER!

Staying open is still hard to do and takes practice. When dissociation takes over, it’s hard to see reality, or even find your way back to peace. I rely on short sentences that I can repeat to myself. Now, when I have an extreme reaction to something small, I remind the shamed part:

“This is a trauma response. It’s not an overreaction. It’s a trailhead leading me to something bigger. All I have to do is listen.”

It relieves the judgment and lifts the shame. It may take a few hours, a week, a month even, but eventually, the trauma surfaces. Once I know what I’m actually dealing with, I’m able to work to heal it.

Of course, with complex trauma, there’s a lot to heal. One trauma is layered on another, so there’s still a bunch of work to do. I’m hopeful that eventually, my fight-or-flight survival instinct will no longer be permanently switched on. That I’ll have relief from the constant adrenaline, and be able to enjoy fast-paced rides without overloading my system. Discovering and recognizing trailheads is a huge step to healing. Soon it will be goodbye stone wall, hello Rock ‘n Roller Coaster!

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Jamie Donmoyer

Creative storyteller and recovering scapegoat of a narcissistic parent, working through Complex PTSD one post at a time

The definition: Complex PTSD happens in response to chronic and repetitive neglect, emotional, physical, and/or sexual abuse, usually occurs in childhood, and is typically deeply interpersonal within the child’s caregiving network. The child has no way to escape, or survive without the parent(s) or caregiver(s), and endures a cruel and imprisoned world of abuse and neglect with no empathetic witness to help or validate the child’s feelings or what’s happening. Often siblings are recruited as proxies to the abuser(s) adding to the vast interpersonal web of perpetrators. The child alone in this situation can endure predatory behaviors such as: scapegoating, gaslighting, stalking and bullying, humiliation, neglect, physical and sexual abuse, withholding of love and attention, making love and affection conditional, and total invalidation of the abuse, and needs of the child. The child has no safe space or family member to retreat to which increases the view of the world that the abuse will never end. Because the brain is still developing and the child is just beginning to learn about the world around them and who they are as an individual in that world, as well as developing first relationships – severe and repetitive trauma interrupts the entire course of their psychological, and neurological development.

When you’re born in a burning house, you think the whole world is on fire. But it’s not.

_Richard Kadrey

The child who endures this type of trauma begins to cope by going into survival mode and developing deep-seated survival strategies such as giving up and losing their sense of self to try and find a way to appease the abuser(s) and mitigate the trauma, becoming highly adrenalized, hypervigilant, hypersensitive, and hyper-intune to the harasser(s), the environment, and the telltale signs of looming abuse. The child’s brain begins to develop entrenched neural pathways that create survival mechanisms that become the first responders to recurring traumatic events, and the brain is left to fracture and compartmentalize to save and secure the parts that need safety and protection, as well as create parts that mirror the abuser(s). The child’s mind only knows survival under these circumstances. Logic, understanding, reasoning with the perpetrator(s), or speaking to another adult about what is happening is not an avenue for a baby or young child. There is no concept for anger, hatred, being abused, or neglected from a child’s perspective nor the ability to describe what is happening – the only understanding is confusion and the downward spiral to self-hatred, unworthiness, feeling unloved, unloveable, disconnected, separate, unwanted, and constantly under threat. This is the primary reason why abusers choose children because they are easy targets and there are generally no witnesses, or the mechanisms in place to fight back, understand or escape. As the child grows the brain is set up for survival and begins to meet life from this debilitating place of untrustworthy broken relationships, lies, betrayal, lack and scarcity, shame, low self-worth, and a menagerie of inner self-critics on steroids.

Self-hatred is only ever a seed planted from the outside in.

_Hannah Gadsby

The adult survivor therefore must contend with a brain that is still functioning through the lens of survival, and continuing to meet life and all of its challenges and burdens with the limited scope of survival strategies, avoidance, and fear of connection to others, overwhelmed by a nervous system caught in fight-flight mode, and trying to make sense of a patchwork of years of trauma. The healing journey for complex trauma is not an easy one. Finding the right trauma-informed therapist or mentor can help, and having trustworthy friends or loved ones to reach out to that can hold the space for you and love you through difficult times is also essential, and as you heal and integrate you can begin to do this work led by your heart, awareness, compassion, and love for yourself.

As I wept

In the arms of darkness,

I heard the voice of my grandmother say,

Nothing stays the same, darling,

Not even pain.

Life is a path of change.

Of ecstasy and ache.

So, no matter what the storm claims,

Let love light the way.

_Tanya Markul

From the deepest part of myself, I can say that I have found enormous healing through the challenges and overwhelming chaos of CPTSD, what it made me face, and how I had to meet myself every single day, and accept every single moment. This healing did not happen overnight, nor was it easy, gentle or kind. There were a lot of tears and tissues on this path to healing, with plenty more to come – I’m sure. I sought so many avenues of healing and found bits of help, wisdom, and hope along the way that helped me keep going but the elusiveness, scope, and magnitude of complex trauma are monstrous. After having tried just about everything possible to heal but still falling short I surrendered to my usual frustration, and that was when I finally realized that the only time I felt my mind clearing and feeling ok to be in my body was when I was in the moment, and open to a practice of self-care and self-love. The only way forward for me was to learn how to love myself even when I did not know what that looked like or felt like. I had dismissed my own needs and wants as part of my survival so I had to begin to understand and learn what my needs were, what I wanted, and what self-love was so I could begin to build my own safe and unique path back to loving my lost and frightened self.

For those anchored with complex PTSD trying to find remedy and healing can be a caustic and soul-aching journey. It is hard to find the words or the fortitude to explain this complicated and layered condition but the simple truth is when one hurts we all hurt, and when one suffers we all suffer. Finding a way to create a safe space, bring self-care, healing, compassion, community, connection, and courage, and bring more self-love to our aching hearts and traumatized soul is the only way forward. This is the reason I began the essential and loving work of HeartBalm, in hopes of sharing my story, my understanding, my love, and bringing balm to all hearts and souls who find their way here.

It is a gift of long-term survival that one becomes highly functional in the midst of a body and nervous system that is continually hijacked. It takes so much courage, mindfulness, acceptance, and loving yourself completely – warts and all to continue on, to keep trying, breathing, and living. If you are reading this and have endured amid trauma, abuse and neglect I bow to your bravery and courage, and willingness to be here. I see you and I honor your grace and wisdom for continuing, and joining me on this warrior’s journey to meet the self exactly where you are – here – now.

It was when I stopped searching for home within others and lifted the foundations of home within myself I found there were no roots more intimate than those between a mind and body that have decided to be whole.

_Rupi Kaur

Whether you have been on a healing journey, know deeply about the depths of your wounds, or are just beginning to prioritize your healing know that you are deeply loved and begin to step into the wisdom of your own divinity and grace. Let this lead you to open a heart path back to yourself. This commitment is for no one else but you sweet one. The way to peace, self-love, and safety is with the vast and infinite source of love within you. When you begin to witness all aspects of who you are in a safe space of awareness, with self-love, self-compassion, and acceptance you begin to heal. When you prioritize a heart-centered way of living and creating space in your day, in your moments that allow you to pause and be with what is arising then you begin to heal even more. Naturally, over time these spaces begin to expand and become more of who you are and bring peace and fullness to your daily life. Living with complex PTSD can happen, and can become healing of contrast and magnificence that has no equal, and can show you what a precious life this is, and how complete you make this world by simply breathing and being a part of it.

Meditations for each blog are also available at heartbalm.substack.com. Please subscribe or contact me with questions or comments. 

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

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Sunny Lynn, OMC

Sunny Lynn, OMC is a spiritual counselor, writer, poet, photographer, meditator, and nature lover on a mission of transmuting complex trauma through self-love, healing, and bringing balm to hearts everywhere. She has a blog and podcast – HeartBalm at heartbalm.substack.com that speaks on the topic of self-care and self-love, mindfulness and healing while living with CPTSD.

www.heartbalmhealing.com

So what is rTMS and what does it claim to do? 

Here’s my rather informal explanation. rTMS is a magnetic pulse that quickly zaps your brain which in turn stimulates specific brain nerves that are thought to be involved in mood control. The idea is that this stimulation might “wake up” parts of the brain that are stuck in “off mode” due to depression or other conditions. If you want a more technical description check out this Mayo Clinic article here.

Right now it’s mostly used for depression, and there have been good research results on other mental health concerns, particularly PTSD. rTMS involves very little risk and has minimal side effects. The main limitations are that you can’t do the treatment if you have metal in your head, you are pregnant, or if you have seizures.  It can also be quite expensive, luckily here in Canada, it is fully covered by our healthcare system. 

How did I get here?

My road to learning about rTMS was about on par with my unusual life. A new clinic opened up in my city, and I was commissioned by their office to make some social media graphics. I had no idea what they did, so I had to research it all before I could do any creating. I found it interesting but for some reason, I didn’t put it together that it could be an option for me. 

Long story short, about a year after this encounter,  I was going through a rough time. I have depression and CPTSD, and both were especially activated.  After attempting a few medication adjustments,  without a lot of success, it dawned on me that I should ask if I could try rTMS for myself- so I did exactly that. 

I had my initial assessment with the psychiatrist and it was decided that yes I was a good candidate. After that, the first step was to do what is called mapping. This is where they determine the specific strength of pulse that meets your threshold and your unique spot on your head. They have you wear a funny cap, they mark down your placement, and you wear it each visit. 

Here’s a photo of me at that mapping appointment!

What’s it like?

In the past, it used to be a longer appointment, about 40 minutes, but newer machines have been sped up a lot.  Now, most people do a treatment that takes 3 minutes, or if you are one of the unlucky ones who need a high strength zap, then treatments take 20 minutes. I’m in the 3-minute group, and I’m usually in and out in less than 15 minutes. As far as time is concerned, the biggest commitment is that you go in every weekday for about 6 weeks. They start you on a lower pulse than needed and work their way up to your strength over a few days. 

It’s hard to explain what it feels like, and I’m sure each person comes up with their own clever description. I’d say it’s a bit like a robotic pen being clicked inside my head. It certainly doesn’t hurt, it just feels bizarre, but eventually, it gets to the point where it barely feels like anything. Another thing to know is that they have you wear earplugs each time, I wouldn’t call the machine loud so much as noisy.

I had almost no side effects, and most of them only lasted for the first few days. I experienced something that was not quite a headache, but rather a little more like feeling “fuzzy”. I also felt some mild tenderness at the spot of treatment.   The only side effect that lasted longer was that on some days I’d feel some heavy tiredness, I really noticed this on Mondays after my weekends “off”.

And while this wasn’t a direct side-effect,  in those first few weeks I  had several appointments during or after, and my nervous system was particularly annoyed. 

It’s imperative I turn everything into a quirky photo-op. Luckily the techs are very obliging.

Did you feel better?

I didn’t notice anything much until around 3 weeks in. It was then that I noticed my “get-up -and-go-ability” was markedly better. When I’m not doing well, there is no such thing as having an idea and then just doing it. It’s more so a drawn-out process of me convincing myself through the various steps which can take hours or days. All of a sudden I found myself in situations where I’d have a thought like “I need milk” and 5 minutes later I’d be driving to the grocery store. Woah this is new.

I also noticed an improvement in my ability to be curious and compassionate when I had negative emotions, rather than being immobilized by them. In some schools of therapy, this is referred to as “riding the wave”. 

I also have to insert a bit of honesty here. At this 3 week mark I (no word of a lie)- landed my dream job that I’d been plotting to get for about 5 years.  And I also want to point out that going somewhere supportive for 15 minutes a day for an entire month and a half, is likely to have some positive effect on your well-being.

Celebrating 20 days done!

So what was it that really helped me, I’d say in all likelihood it was a mixture. I also know that there have been other times when I’ve been unwell, exciting things have happened, and my symptoms remained regardless.

What’s the plan now?

How folks go about maintenance treatments is unique to each individual. Typically you do go through a period of tapering that may be 2 weeks of every other day, 2 weeks of 2 times a week, weekly, and then whatever seems to work. Some folks continue on a schedule of every other week or maybe once every 6 months. 

After a few weeks of trying just once a week, I was feeling overly emotional and easily triggered. We decided to stick with twice a week for a while and lower it again later on. It’s now been nearly a year and I’m still going the same amount, my personal schedule is pretty flexible and I decided if it seems to work for me why fix what isn’t broken? Though I would like to lower it eventually I’ll wait for when it feels right. 

So what about your CPTSD?

When I first was going to my appointments, I  was in a very activated state, due to having gone through some pretty extreme triggers. This tends to make a lot of things more difficult for me, which regularly includes medical appointments. My nervous system goes on high alert and it attempts to warn me of what it perceives as danger, even though there rarely is any. When my nervous system is cranky this often means high anxiety and a lot of crying.

Pretty early on the tears arrived in my appointments. All the techs were kind and upheld a shame and judgment-free environment. We worked it out that sometimes it’s helpful for me to have 2 minutes before we get anything started just to chat about dumb stuff. I told them I often like it if someone can hold my hand if I request it, which was agreed. They discovered I like juice boxes and cookies (who doesn’t) and magically one is left out for me at each appointment. They don’t have to do that, but little things like that signal to my brain that I’m safe and cared about. And there was probably other stuff that I’d forgotten about already. 

I still get my two-minute chat and my tasty treats, and I no longer need the other support but I’m happy to know I could ask again if needed.

They also embraced my quirky need to make everything a celebration which often results in taking photos and videos for social media. 

I even brought balloons when I finished my 30 days. 🤣

Final thoughts?

I do think rTMS helps me,  I certainly wouldn’t continue going regularly if I didn’t. Specifically how much it impacts my brain is up for debate. It’s not a replacement for my other treatments, I still take a large handful of medications and go to regular therapy. Now I’ve added this into the mix and I feel it improves things by about 10-20%. 

If you have difficulties similar to mine, whether or not rTMS would be helpful for you is unknown. You can only find out by giving it a try. I’m glad that I did, and you may be too!

If you’d like to follow along with my journey, you can find me on Instagram as @mentalhealthyxe

I couldn’t leave the chair out of my silliness.

If you’re a visual person here is a video of the process, which I think shows nicely that it isn’t painful and pretty laid back experience.

IMG_3028

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Heidi Fischer

Heidi Fischer is a mental health advocate who lives in Saskatoon, Canada. Heidi enjoys writing about her personal experience with C-PTSD, Depression, and Anxiety. Heidi is the creator of a popular mental health Instagram called @mentalhealthyxe and can also be found on her website mentalhealthyxe.com. 

www.mentalhealthyxe.com/

“An embodied sense of safety requires both the reduction or resolution of cues of danger and the experience of cues of safety.” (Porges & Lewis 2009)

So how do we begin to feel what we know to be true inside and out and vice versa? The autonomic nervous system is the place to start when healing from trauma and long-term chronic stress. Our autonomic nervous influences every aspect of life, it is embedded in our physiology and physical sensations, our social engagement system, it influences our brain, thoughts, perceptions, emotions, and our ability to feel focused and calm.

Healing from complex trauma is lifelong, there will be moments of great insights and times when life seems unbearable and too much to cope with. Learning how to navigate and experience life after trauma is rooted in reclaiming the Autonomic Nervous System.

This system controls and filters communication from our outside world and body, (80% input from our body to our brain and 20% from our brain to our body). These neurobiological connections shape our world and daily experiences, they either connect us and bring us closer together or separate us from ourselves and others. It shapes how we feel and influences how and what we do.

At the center of the autonomic nervous system is the vagus nerve. Dr. Stephen Porges expanded our understanding of the Autonomic Nervous System relating to Chronic/Trauma stress with Polyvagal Theory in the 1990s. At the core of his discoveries and work is the principle of feeling safe and connected which our nervous system is designed to decide for us. However, we can extend deliberate action and extend control over our nervous system states to allow us to make decisions for ourselves and restore balance to our autonomic nervous system.

To help us begin to support and explore this theory, I would like to share a fundamental practice that I encourage my clients and students to incorporate into their daily life as a resource to help repair the nervous system and support healing. This practice is as important as sipping water before you get thirsty. As you already know, when you feel thirsty you are already dehydrated. By implementing this practice you effectively hydrate your sense of safety.

This is the practice of ‘Micro-Moments of Safety’, stopping to acknowledge and feel the truth of ‘safety in a moment. Your nervous system will forever identify threats and dangers following chronic stress and traumatic experiences which is helpful at the right time for our survival. However, this need not be the case, for you in your life today. Deliberately scanning for available true moments of safety in the present moment helps to dial down the ‘survival response system’, fear and anxiety. 


The realization that situations can be very difficult and emotionally overwhelming, without being unsafe. These micro-moments of safety are gentle, subtle reminders to the nervous system stuck in overdrive, that you are in control and that you can discern the threat and danger level. Research shows that to influence positive change in our brains we must pause to absorb positive experiences for at least 30-60 seconds regularly. Taking in the truth of these micro-moments of safety will help to bring change at a physiological level. This conscious and very deliberate action has the power to create profound shifts in your nervous system states. These moments are vital to soothing the survival/stress response and to support the development of new neural pathways, supporting your healing and growth.

To positively change our autonomic nervous system we need to be able to focus and direct our attention. Dr. Andrew Huberman states
“ Memories are hard to erase, however, the emotional load can be lessened”.

The only way one can experience truth is to be truly present, reshaping the past profiles embedded in our nervous system, lessening the load. By choosing to deliberately and consciously take in all that is true about what is basically ok and safe in the present moment regularly, even if it feels difficult, will create change.

Dr. Andrew Huberman’s research has shown that ‘stress and agitation is the entry point to neuroplasticity’ and that this can begin to change the maps of the brain laid down by previous experiences. Reinforcing positive plasticity, to support healing, rather than over learning from passive plasticity. 


Reinforce this process by writing every night about at least one moment when you felt a sense of safety. Write about how it felt within your body to feel safe? What did you feel? and where within did you feel this sense within you? Was it a deep sigh, a softening of the eyes, less tension in your back, shoulders, and neck, did you nod your head? Could you feel a buzz around your body, a loosening of a gripped hand?. How did this truth change your physiological state?. If you like to draw, add a picture, write a poem, create a mantra, journal, and most importantly begin to share your experiences with people who care about you, who know about your struggles and suffering and that may also be a therapist. The more you do to absorb the experience the deeper it sinks into your nervous system and brain and that is when real changes begin to happen to support your healing.

This does not mean that we ignore feeling scared, fearful, anxious, terrified, and afraid, no. This does not mean that we will never experience a somatic or emotional flashback again, no. It means we hold and nurture how we feel while also redirecting our attention to the truth of the moment. Our nervous system is capable of holding the truth of both the past and the present.

‘Our nervous system is capable of holding both moments of safety and moments of survival’.
Deb Dana, Anchored

By deliberating and purposefully redirecting your attention to the truth of now, the intensity of past experiences can begin to lessen. The nervous system is capable of repairing and we can support and influence this in subtle ways like this.

For many this practice may be very challenging at first, that’s actually considered a good thing in learning terms. As a note of helpful reassurance, the nervous system and brain learn from challenging/stressful experiences quicker and better than it does from more comfortable and easier experiences. When a task requires effort and is even slightly challenging, stress chemicals are released. The stress chemical epinephrine/adrenaline is also a neuromodulator and is actually the gateway to neuroplasticity. Repeatedly doing this practice no matter how challenging it may be, will influence your plasticity to adapt in a positive direction. Forming stronger neural connections for safety and connection over time. The important thing to remember is don’t stop when you start feeling good. The brain will continue to grow in the direction of what you focus your attention on.

For many years you may have heard the statement ‘your attention follows your thoughts’. It might better serve us to rewrite this as our thoughts follow our attention. We can focus our attention, on something and away from thoughts. We can use our sensory awareness, our eyes, ears, sense of smell, touch, and taste to take in ‘micro-moments of safety’.

In summary, the keys to this practice are:
Consciously notice a moment of safety that is true and in the present
Focus your attention here for between 30 to 60 seconds
Feel how this feels in your body
Before bedtime recall it in as much detail as possible
Share your experience with someone, even repeat it to your pet or yourself if you don’t feel there is anyone who you trust to share it with.
As a side note
It is also ok to hone in on and recall one significant moment that really stood out for you when you were in a regulated nervous system state.


If you suffer from chronic/ trauma stress, the limbic/survival system of the brain is primed and will continue to ‘make choices for you’ it will focus only on real or perceived threats and dangers, long after the danger and situation have passed. Leaving you feeling trapped and with feelings that are reliving horrible experiences.

‘The nervous system needs the active appearance and experience of cues of safety.’ (Porges 2015)


The body has a profound influence on the brain and when we repair and recruit the autonomic nervous system we can begin to tolerate levels of arousal that may be triggered. This can help to build a greater sense of agency over your physical, mental, and emotional health and open a doorway to recovery. All with deep tenderness and compassion for oneself.

Roseanne Reilly

Advancing your ability to heal and repair your nervous system

https://www.handsoftimehealing.com/intensivecareprogram 

Roseanne Reilly

Are you carrying more than you can process?

I’m Roseanne, a practitioner in Neuro-Somatic Stress & Emotional Integration,
and the creator of The Listening Lab, powered by Core NeuroCare©.

I help people move beyond stress and beneath emotional overwhelm—
into a place where you begin to feel like your coming together rather than falling apart.

Roseanne provides a deep soul-led healing experience, 1 to 1 and small group mentoring online and in-person

Roseanne Reilly DipNUR, APCST, ERYT500hr CEP

Downloadable Resources at www.handsoftimehealing.com

Free Resources at https://www.youtube.com/@HandsofTimeHealing

www.handsoftimehealing.com

The desert of the Southwestern United States has a strange, stark beauty all its own. Gorgeous sunsets, rock formations and deep canyons accented with spiky cactus resemble another world. If you grew up back east like I did, your previous experience with plant life will be of no use. I once asked a friend if I could dig up some of her innocently named “bunny ear cactus.” She failed to mention I should use protective gloves. As I planted the cuttings, I noticed a painful prickly sensation in my hands. It spread to my shirt collar and up my arms. Though there are no obvious thorns, the bunny ear cactus is covered in hair-like needles called glochids. I had to use masking tape to remove the painful spines from my skin. My gardening clothes ended up in the trash.

Though I live in the land of cactus, I have an orange tree in my backyard. It doesn’t belong there. Rainfall of seven inches per year is plenty to support the cactus, not so much the transplanted bushes and trees brought by retirees and residents. While the rest of the country sleeps under a blanket of snow, we’re out in the desert picking oranges. When we first arrived, it was such an oddity, I didn’t know quite what to do. The tree began to droop, and I asked our neighbor if she knew how to keep it alive.

“Oh, your irrigation system is probably broken. The tree just needs water.”

Sure enough, the PVC pipe needed replacing, so I went old school and hooked up a hose from the house to the tree. Three times a week, I faithfully turned on the spigot. Our orange tree rewarded us with a harvest of gigantic, navel oranges. Fresh-squeezed juice every morning. We were in heaven! Sitting on my back patio admiring my orange tree, I thought about the desert. Without the water from the hose, that twenty-year-old citrus tree would quickly die. It is completely dependent upon me.

In the same way, a little child is totally dependent upon adults. They have no other resource for physical and emotional support. When the source of survival is also the source of threat, the hypervigilance of fight or flight steps in. In essence, my parents stood at the back of the house in total control of the spigot. I was forced to comply in order to live.

One of the first steps to emotional regulation is changing the heartfelt belief that our abuser is still in charge of the water spigot. In the past, the automatic fight or flight response kept us alive. Later on, it becomes an intrusion. Eric Gentry, from Forward Facing Trauma Therapy, puts it this way. “Forward Facing Trauma Therapy is unique in helping us regain control of the one thing we truly own; our power to choose how we react to the people and situations around us. In technical terms, FFTT enables us to shift from an external locus of control-one of powerlessness and victimhood-to an internal locus of control in which we are empowered and free.”

Self-empowerment is vital to the healing journey. Our abusers used our dependence to gain control. It is one of the ways they kept us in their delusional system. Cultivating skills like body awareness, breathing techniques, yoga as well as others, and using them in our daily lives gives us the power of self-regulation. We can learn to moderate and even control our threat response with practice.

The time for oranges has passed, and now my tree is filled with delicate white blossoms. Their sweet fragrance fills the desert air and reminds me of the fruit that is to come in winter. When we begin to practice self-regulation techniques, it seems as if they will never bear anything but frustration. Our stops and starts are the delicate blossoms of what will be. A life filled with joy and peace, producing the things we always dreamed of.

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Rebekah Brown

Rebekah Brown, a native of the south, now resides in the Great American West. Surviving a complicated and abusive family system makes her unique writing style insightful as well as uplifting. Rebekah is the proud mother of two and grandmother of four.

I’m listening to talk radio as I often do on these drives. In this case, I have caught part of one of those psychologist radio shows where folks call-in and discuss their issues. She’s talking about some new research that is just coming out about how important the first 2 years of life are in shaping the rest of our lives. It’s when our core sense of self is formed, and how to operate in the world. The bonding and nurturing humans get within the first two years of life are essential to developing a sense that the world and people around us are safe and that we are, fundamentally, “ok”. If we don’t get that – and especially if we get the opposite – it has life-long impacts that are difficult to repair.

I have never heard these words before. They are literally stunning and revolutionary for me. I was in my early 30’s and at that time my life was defined by a deep-seated belief that I am flawed and bad, coupled with a desperate effort to prove otherwise – to myself and to everyone around me. From my earliest memories, I had felt bad. But in hearing the words of this talk-radio host I entertained, for the very first time, the notion that maybe all of this was not really my fault. Maybe I wasn’t born flawed, but rather something had happened to me to make me feel, and sometimes appear, so?

As a matter of fact, I knew from family history that the first two years of my life were, by any definition, a train wreck. My parents had been fighting while my mother was pregnant with me, during which she suffered some degree of physical abuse. Four months after I was born she fled my father and, with myself and my three older brothers, moved to live near her own mother. Then, when I was a year and a half old, she had a mental breakdown that led to her being hospitalized. My brothers and I were separated and placed in institutional children’s homes for four months. Surely this was enough to have had the kind of impact this radio psychologist was speaking of?

This was the very beginning of a journey of healing that has taken decades. I am now in my early 60’s and can now honestly speak of healing. I spend most of my days feeling at least “ok”, and sometimes even “good”. And though it may sound like a small thing, simply feeling “ok” is truly a blessed feeling. What I was struggling with, and am finally healing from, is what is now known as Attachment Trauma.

~~~

Attachment Trauma is the severe disruption or dysfunction of the infant-maternal bond. This can result from stress and dysfunction in the family, mental health problems in the mother, and/or extended separation from the mother. (I am referring to a “mother” here, but the same applies to whoever is serving the role of primary caregiver). These are traumatic experiences regardless of when they occur during childhood. However, when they occur during the first 2 years of life they have a uniquely damaging impact, leading to Attachment Trauma. The analogy I like to use is that of a house. When we experience trauma later in childhood or adolescence our house is damaged, sometimes severely, and it can be very hard to repair it. When we experience trauma during infancy the foundation itself is damaged, or simply not there. Without a solid foundation, even building a house is challenging, and whatever has been built is unstable and easily damaged. Also like a house’s foundation, the damage is invisible because it occurs at a time we are unable to remember and during a period of life whose significance tends to be underestimated.

The key to understanding Attachment Trauma is to consider how and why we develop the foundational attributes and skills that make us healthy, functioning adults: the ability to manage our emotions, the ability to recognize and respond appropriately to social cues, a fundamental belief in one’s worth and belonging, and a presumption that other people and the world itself is essentially safe.

These are all attributes and skills that most take for granted, but we are not born with them. Nor do they develop automatically according to some pre-programmed developmental process encoded in our DNA. Instead, these skills and attributes are learned through the experience of interacting with a reliable and responsive caregiver during the first 2 years of life. When the infant-maternal bond is dysfunctional or disrupted we enter childhood and grow into adults without the foundational skills and attributes that make possible all the rest of the learning and loving and resiliency essential for a happy and healthy life.

Attachment Trauma is not a stand-alone condition or diagnosis per se, but rather it is a core component of the most severe impacts of repeated traumatic experiences in childhood. The symptoms described below will be familiar to those struggling with CPTSD; however, these symptoms are likely to be most severe when the trauma includes attachment disruption and dysfunction during infancy. Developmental Trauma Disorder, which is closely related to CPTSD, includes early attachment disruption as one of its key criteria.  Attachment Trauma is also at the core of the most serious mental health conditions associated with childhood trauma, including Borderline Personality Disorder, for which research has established a strong correlation with early attachment disruption; and Dissociative Identity Disorder (formerly called “multiple personality disorder”) which results from the most extreme cases of Attachment Trauma and subsequent abuse.

When a traumatic childhood includes Attachment Trauma it leads to a consistent & recognizable constellation of challenges and symptoms later in life. I am going to describe them from the perspective of how I experienced them, but the precise way in which they show up is as variable as our individual childhood experiences. These symptoms include:

Toxic Shame

A deep-seated, pervasive belief that you are deeply and irredeemably flawed and unworthy. Life events and the behavior of others are interpreted through this lens, constantly reinforcing this sense of shame. The internal narrative is not that “I’ve done something bad”, it’s that “I am bad”. The experience of intense shame is incredibly painful, like a gut punch, and we will go to great lengths to avoid it. For me, that translated into fear of doing or saying anything with which anyone could find fault; resulting in second-guessing every word or action, or taking no action whatsoever. Shame is difficult to regulate because it is difficult to recognize and name. I spent decades operating from this internal sense of shame without knowing what it was because the underlying premise that “I am bad” was unrecognized and unquestioned.

Emotional Dysregulation

Intense, often overwhelming, emotional reactions to simple everyday events — or sometimes seemingly coming out-of-the-blue for no apparent reason. These emotions can be intense sadness, or anger, or fear and anxiety. These intense emotions often lead to behaviors that are harmful to personal and professional goals and relationships.

Chronic Dysphoria & Depression

Underneath the shame and chaotic emotions lies a chronic, distressing mix of anxiousness and sadness called dysphoria. It is a persistent sense that something is very wrong, without being able to identify exactly what that “something” is. Frequently the dysphoria morphs into profound and relentless emotional pain; something I would describe as “a giant stone of grief sitting on my chest”. The pain can be crushing and debilitating, and I have known it to last for days and weeks on end.

Unstable Self-Image & Goals

In the face of the intense shame and distressing emotions described above, having a clear and stable sense of ones values and goals is challenging at best. Decision-making tends to be guided by relieving the emotional distress, rather than by an internal compass. And when everything persistently feels “wrong” then no decision feels “right”, leading to frequent, seemingly illogical, changes in jobs, career paths, and relationships. Additionally, the very effort of managing these intense emotions exacts a huge cognitive toll, making it hard to make good decisions and remain goal-oriented.

Relational Difficulties

Because we didn’t experience a secure and healthy connection with our first caregiver, those with Attachment Trauma have difficulty forming and maintaining healthy relationships in adulthood. The cause of these difficulties can be insecurity and over-dependence on others, or it can be fear and aversion towards others. For many, it is a conflicting mixture of both, as it was for me. The insecurity and over-dependence led to a desperate, sometimes inappropriate, longing to connect with others. The fear and aversion led to social anxiety and discomfort, making it hard to even initiate relationships; upon forming relationships, it sometimes led to my pushing these friends and partners away. While I did establish a few close friendships, most of my early adulthood was spent in a recurring pattern of unrealistic attachments and unstable relationships against a backdrop of painful efforts to be “social”.

Dissociation

An experience of being “disconnected from one’s own self” that manifests in varying ways, both chronic and recurrent. When one’s core is filled with shame, dysphoria, and chaotic emotions it is neither possible nor practical to “show up in the world” as your authentic emotional self. Instead, a separate self is created through which we operate in the world, while the turmoil continues underneath at the same time. For me, this separate-self served as a mask that hid my true self from those around me; I can recall many instances in which I was making jokes and laughing with others while at the same time, underneath, I was in profound pain. This is a chronic state of dissociation.

There are also recurring episodes of dissociation such as feeling cut-off from your emotions — apathetic or numb — or feeling like you are on autopilot and simply an observer of your actions. These episodes are a psychological defense mechanism that often occurs in response to intense emotion or to external stressors.  Because interacting with others was inherently stressful for me, I frequently experienced dissociation in social gatherings and intimate interactions. This short-circuited the open and healthy communication needed to establish and navigate close relationships.

Substance Abuse & Self-harm

With the relentless emotional pain described earlier comes to a desperate urge to “make it stop”. This can lead to many types of self-destructive behavior when the need to relieve the pain overrides healthy decision-making. For me, this took the form of secret binge drinking, but it can also show up as alcohol and drug addiction or other addictive behaviors. For some, it leads to “cutting”, in an effort to replace the emotional pain with something else, anything else. Sometimes this desperation to relieve the emotional pain can lead to the one thing that is guaranteed to “make it stop”: taking one’s own life.

~~~

You may recognize yourself in the portrait of Attachment Trauma I have painted above. Like I did, you have likely blamed yourself and believed these symptoms reflect some flaw at your core. The first and most important thing to realize is that it is absolutely and emphatically not your fault.  You were conceived with the same innate potential for love, joy, and connection as are all humans. But we are all shaped by the forces of biology and nurture, and your brain has developed in the only way it could given the trauma you experienced in infancy.  I know from personal experience that the impact of Attachment Trauma is profound. I experienced, in varying degrees, all the symptoms described above for many years; they colored every aspect of my life and shaped every path. However, I also know that recovery and eventual healing is possible. Hopefully, understanding how and why your earliest experiences led to the challenges you face now will help you understand yourself better and facilitate your journey towards healing.

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Andrew Corbett

Fight or flight: the instinctive physiological response to a threatening situation, which readies one either to resist forcibly or to run away.

**Please be kind to yourself as you read**

I thought I was safe. At four years old, I believed if I couldn’t see you, you couldn’t see me. I had secreted myself away in a nice little spot between the couch and the wall and eagerly stuck my thumb in my mouth. As I closed my eyes, the delicious feeling of numb security washed over me. Though I could hear my mother clattering dishes in the kitchen, she was nowhere to be seen. Thankfully, my father was still at work. My eyes blinked open and shut as the very edge of slumber crawled into my mind.

“REBEKAH!”

It was a scream unlike any other; mixed with panic and combined rage. A claw-like hand reached behind the couch and grabbed me by my spaghetti thin arm. I hit my head against the wall as my mother yanked me from my hiding place.

“I TOLD YOU TO STOP SUCKING THAT THUMB!” She gave me a hard shake.

Reality ceased to exist, and I could neither speak nor move as she towered over me. Frozen in the familiar terror of one of my mother’s attacks, she dragged me to the kitchen. “YOU STAND RIGHT THERE.” Rummaging through the cabinet, my mother knocked a bottle of cooking oil to the floor.  She glared at me with an accusing stare. “I’VE TOLD YOU AND TOLD YOU TO STOP SUCKING THAT THUMB!” Her attention turned back to the cabinet. “Here it is. Stick out your hands.” My mother pulled an eye-dropper from a little brown bottle and began to coat my thumbs with noxious hot pepper oil. 

The rest of the afternoon dragged by. Even holding my favorite homemade rag doll brought no comfort. I longed for my little thumb, but I knew what would happen if I put it in my mouth. The burning sensation would last for hours.

Laying in bed that night, a circle of thoughts repeated themselves in my mind. I was bad. I was a bad, bad, bad girl. Sucking your thumb was the worst thing anyone could ever do, and I could not stop no matter how hard I tried. My mother wouldn’t have to yell so much if I would just stop sucking my thumb. I bet my Mama and Daddy wouldn’t whip me so much if I could stop sucking my thumb.

Despite the terrifying feeling in the pit of my stomach, it was impossible to stave off sleep. I forgot about the long-lasting pepper oil and unconsciously turned to my only source of comfort. As soon as my thumb touched my tongue, the burning taste brought tears to my eyes. I licked the sheets, but there was no relief.

The terror and confusion of that long-ago childhood lasted far longer than the pepper oil. It became my “way of being” in the world. Hyper-vigilance occurs when the fight or flight response is blocked and is especially complicated for those who have experienced repeated abuse in early childhood. The brain becomes hardwired in its effort to save you from threat and as an adult, you live in fight or flight nearly all the time. In the same way, I blamed thumb-sucking as the source of my suffering, we adults blame ourselves for what is really a physiological response to trauma, not a moral failing.

The fight or flight response can be rewired but it takes dedication, practice, and patience.

Learning to catch triggers early and practicing self-regulation are just some of the tools that can move you away from living in response to threats to living with intentionality. When you understand that fight or flight is a physiological response to trauma, you can take the burning power out of the pepper oil. Put it back in the bottle and close the cabinet door…forever. Don’t give up. You are worth it.

Rebekah Brown, a native of the south, now resides in the Great American West. Surviving a complicated and abusive family system makes her unique writing style insightful as well as uplifting. Rebekah is the proud mother of two and grandmother of four. Her very first novel, The Raspberry House, dealing with narcissistic abuse and every person’s desire to find their heart’s true home, will be released in 2021.

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Rebekah Brown

Rebekah Brown, a native of the south, now resides in the Great American West. Surviving a complicated and abusive family system makes her unique writing style insightful as well as uplifting. Rebekah is the proud mother of two and grandmother of four.