My clients range in age from approximately 20 to 90, and they consist of parents, grandparents, sons, and daughters who are all trying to navigate estrangement.  Several clients have peaceful relationships with their adult sons and daughters, but they work with me to improve those bonds.  Although my observations are aimed at supporting estranged parents, they can apply to any difficult relationship.

Observation #2: Persistent childhood loneliness manifests itself in adulthood and becomes a major catalyst for some parents’ estrangement from their adult sons and daughters.

Loneliness has taken center stage since COVID-19 as a national health issue.  Loneliness is also a major characteristic of many of the estranged parents with whom I work.  My clients provide me with an overview of their childhoods including the traumas that are forever branded into their psyche.  For many, one of these traumas is chronic loneliness that begins in early childhood and becomes the mental infrastructure for how to parent and for subsequent emotional triggers.

Loneliness is defined by the National Institute of Health (NIH) as a “distressing feeling that accompanies the perception that one’s social needs are not being met by the quantity or especially the quality of one’s social relationships” (Marinello).  It is this experience of loneliness that resonates most with my clients.  Here are some examples from the work entitled, 36 Absolutely Heartbreaking Quotes about Loneliness (36):

Loneliness is never more cruel than when it is felt in close propinquity [proximity] with someone who has ceased to communicate.

Loneliness is my least favorite thing about life. The thing that I’m most worried about is just being alone without anybody to care for or someone who will care for me.

Loneliness is about the scariest thing out there.

I created an Estrangement Algorithm℠ that I use with my clients to trace back to all the traumas they can remember and wish to share.  The Estrangement Algorithm℠ can also be described as a trauma journey that uncovers invaluable information connected directly to parenting behaviors.  During the trauma journey, clients typically recall a deep sense of aloneness even in the company of family.  Some report they reexperienced loneliness, which could be tasted. It was a loneliness that could hear deafening silence.  It was a loneliness that could be observed.  It was a loneliness that was so palpable that one could touch it.  It was a loneliness that became part of one’s nervous system and remains deeply embedded.

Based upon my experience as a practitioner, I define loneliness as an excruciatingly painful condition characterized by an insatiable feeling throughout the body, mind, and soul that you belong to no one, not even yourself, and no one belongs to you.

Using the Estrangement Algorithm℠, I pose a series of questions to my clients including:

• What is your earliest memory of loneliness?
• What are some of the ways you coped with feeling lonely?
• What is your earliest memory of wanting children?
• Why did you want to have children?

These questions have delivered a great deal of insight into the minds of the lonely parents as patterns began to emerge primarily for the mothers.  First, the mothers began to talk about the intense feelings of being alone in the presence of family, friends, and others.  The intensity varied with the situation, but the emptiness remained whether at school, at home, or attending a birthday party.  Second, they longed to become mothers when they got older.  Ultimately, having children was an enduring life goal that overshadowed any other life goals, including finding the right mate.

Third, these mothers were asked why they wanted to have children, and the responses were consistent, captivating, and enlightening.   These lonely parents admitted to having children mainly to fill the cavernous void that existed from within.  In other words, these mothers did not decide to have children in order to nurture beings for the greater good or to create a nurturing family unit.  In general, estranged mothers admitted to having children for the main but not sole purpose of “never being alone.” 

A common grievance of estranged adult sons and daughters during childhood is that they feel unheard, unseen, invalidated, and/or unloved.  I have found that many parents come to realize that they capriciously married and became pregnant in order to pacify an unmet need from their own childhood unconsciously.  Therefore, the child becomes the OBJECT or tool meant to achieve the parents’ unsatisfied needs.  This results in a child whose feelings, needs, and identity are neglected, devalued, and disregarded.  Ultimately, this series of events during childhood unknowingly sets the stage for the eventual estrangement that occurs later in life.

Although this data is observational only, it has informed how I use the Estrangement Algorithm℠ and serve my clients.  The presence of incurable loneliness in the field of estrangement requires further investigation.  However, there are ways for clinicians and clients to make use of the current information.

What Parents Can Do

1. Rather than doing the work independently, seek a coach, counselor, or therapist trained in trauma and estrangement.
2. Work with a coach, counselor, or therapist to decide whether the knowledge gained will inform the internal work needed to improve one’s relationship with oneself.
3. Work with a coach, counselor, or therapist to decide whether or not the knowledge learned will inform the repair work needed for the relationship with an estranged adult son or daughter.
4. Begin to see the estrangement through a trauma-informed perspective based on self-understanding, self-love, and self-forgiveness.

Photo by Noah Silliman on Unsplash

Acknowledgments

Editor, Barbara Greenspan, Psy.D.

Works Cited

“36 Absolutely Heartbreaking Quotes about Loneliness.” Thought Catalog, Thought Catalog, 16 Mar. 2015, thoughtcatalog.com/lorenzo-jensen-iii/2015/03/36-absolutely-heartbreaking-quotes-about-loneliness/.

Marinello, Paul Michael. “Loneliness – Silent Stalker (Part 1) | CPTSDfoundation.org.” CPTSD, 11 Mar. 2024, cptsdfoundation.org/2024/03/11/loneliness-silent-stalker-part-1/. Accessed 1 Apr. 2024.

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Lynn 18

Lynn is an estrangement clinician, an experienced college professor, and a state-certified school
administrator with a wealth of complementary experience in all three sectors. As CEO of Time
2 Thrive, LLC, Lynn founded the minority-owned small business to address the emotional and
psychological needs of adults, especially in the area of family estrangement. Lynn describes
herself as a coach who offers warmth, encouragement, and honesty with trust as the relational
foundation. She begins with a strength-based approach that highlights the assets one already
possesses and demonstrates.

Adolescents throughout the U.S. face psychosocial challenges they may not even be aware of at this point in time

The stage of development in primates we refer to as “adolescence” sits in between the stages of childhood and adulthood. The COVID crisis has contributed to discomforting symptoms we see in adolescence today. Adolescents throughout the U.S. face psychosocial challenges they may not even be aware of at this point in time. They experience mental issues like emotional disorders, self-harming behaviors, and key symptoms we find in clinical depression. Researchers, therapists, and psychologists are working tirelessly to identify strategies to help support adolescence as they embark on their healing journey. I want to contribute to this effort in this blog by sketching out major signs that show us an adolescent is moving through the adolescence life stages in a healthy manner.

[1]Adolescence is the stage between childhood and adulthood. Normative adolescent behavior is sensation seeking, researchers tell us. The environment that helps move an adolescent into this stage is important to note. An adolescent must experience an environment that reinforces higher cognitive abilities. Examples of higher cognitive abilities are working memory, reflective thinking, response inhibition, and performance monitoring. One way to measure whether cognitive abilities are improving is by performing cognitive tests on an adolescent. The tests may show whether a person’s performance on cognitive tasks improves. This shows that a person’s cognitive ability is improving; the improvements in this area of the brain help adolescence pursue other important goals like sensation seeking. Feeling requires critical thinking skills. The specific areas of a person’s brain that improve when critical thinking improves are the prefrontal cortex (PFC), posterior parietal cortex, and superior temporal cortex. Mental health challenges can begin to surface at this biological stage due to events, i.e., COVID, emotional or mental abuse, etc.

One major critical period an adolescent brain undergoes is when neurons begin to multiply and connect rapidly

Critical periods have been identified when a brain of an adolescent matures significantly. One major critical period an adolescent brain undergoes is when neurons begin to multiply and connect rapidly. When neurons fire together and often, the brain can send messages quicker to other parts of the brain. This matters because critical thinking is only possible when neurons are firing together frequently. The road to well-being begins when neurons connect daily. This critical period that is found in adolescence begins when she experiences an event that brings about excitement. This event can be receiving an award at school, performing well in a competition event, etc. Certain brain parts activate to “stop” brain functions that do not allow a brain to mature; the parts of a brain that help it mature turn on at the same time also. The major “glue” for these connections to occur in the brain is called myelination. Myelin is made up of proteins and lipids and creates a “tube” for messages to travel through to send messages throughout the brain. Critical periods like these give way to healthy brain functioning, creating the opportunity for an adolescent to overcome challenges that may be stressful like the COVID crisis. Many of our kids were not prepared for this crisis which had negative effects on brain development.

The brain of an adolescent is distinct from the brain of an adult. The brain of an adolescent will manage impulses if the brain matures successfully. The impulses that are normal for this biological age are yelling during an argument, lying, fighting at school, etc. The adolescent brain must have the skills to manage these types of impulses to move on to different biological brain stages. The critical period of development (CPD) is what this stage is referred to by neuroscientists. The brain of an adult is not growing as rapidly, in contrast. Neurons paired together are difficult to uncouple inside an adult brain. The brain of an adult matures to full optimal growth once a person is approximately 30 years of age. The adolescent brain continually is coding the social world around her, and a healthy adolescent brain is shaped positively by the social world, according to Dr. Casey, professor, and researcher at Yale University. [2]

Behaviors have been documented by the CDC that show that developmental stages are not being completed

Adolescence requires emotional support to help them through the biological stages of development. Anxiety and stress due to events like COVID brought about mental challenges for many adolescents. The Centers for Disease Control (CDC) provides evidence this is the case. Behaviors have been documented by the CDC that show that developmental stages are not being completed, creating large deficits in cognitive abilities. Communities, parents, and schools are being affected severely because children need an expensive level of support to reach normal developmental stages. The virtues of the US depend upon the funding of necessary programs to ensure the well-being of the next generation of humans in the U.S.

The emphasis often is on creating policies that invalidate the experience of millions of American citizens: creating more policies does not reflect the nightmare of an experience children face daily

To close, policymakers must pay attention to the trends of biological development and those barriers that inhibit the completion of these stages. I watch congressional hearings often to identify those elected officials that focus on the root issues that contribute to the mental health challenges children are facing today. However, I find it disappointing what I discover when I listen to congressional hearings. I cannot imagine that people do not find themselves traumatized when they listen to these same hearings. The focus is not on identifying root issues for mental health issues in children. The emphasis often is on creating policies that invalidate the experience of millions of American citizens: creating more policies does not reflect the nightmare of an experience children face daily; I can list example after example of what children face daily that limits their developmental growth. Children speak and people in authority are not listening.

[1] Larson and Luna, 2018

[2] Casey, 2019

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Ramon Diaz

Ramon Diaz, Jr., PhD candidate: Developmental Neuropsychology, LPC, NCC, CCTS, CDBT, CADC
Clinical Complex Trauma Specialist (CCTS-1),
Certified Dialectical Behavioral Therapist (C-DBT),
Certified Alcohol & Drug Abuse Counseling (CADC)

License Number: 178.018904

In the UK, Young Minds shares the following statistics:

• 1 in 6 children aged 5 to 16 were identified as having a probable mental health problem in July 2020.
• 1 in 3mental health problems in adulthood are directly connected to an adverse childhood experience (ACE).

Parents face many obstacles just to getting a GP/ Doctor to take their child’s mental health seriously. They are told: “S/he is a teenager. It is normal for them to feel down and act impulsively. Did you try exercises? Doing things together?” It might take another 3 or 4 calls before parents and their children are taken seriously if they are lucky and have the kind of energy necessary to keep knocking on closed doors.

It has been even more difficult since the start of the COVID-19 pandemic. CAMHS – Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services – have years-long waiting lists. The first thing on offer is usually 6 weeks of CBT. In some cases, it doesn’t even scratch the tip of the iceberg. To get long-term support, there are lengthier the waiting lists. In the meantime, the conditions of some young people further deteriorate and, unfortunately, some precious lives end too early.

The priority after months of school closures wasn’t the pupils’ well-being, it was the catching up of their education. Parents and carers received emails informing them schools will focus on attendance and performance. For those in Year 11, they were put under further pressure to revise and pass their GCSEs. when most of these pupils missed lots of schooling or didn’t take on the online classes available during lockdowns. There was NOTHING in place to ease these children back into school after the major worldwide trauma we are still all experiencing.

The NSPCC has published some briefings on the impact of the pandemic and lockdowns on children safety and welfare.

• There’s been a threefold increase in the number of Childline counselling sessions about child sexual abuse within the family, from an average of 8 sessions per week before the pandemic restrictions were imposed to an average of 23 per week since 23 March 2020.
• Some children told Childline that sexual abuse had become more frequent during lockdown, as they were spending more time with their abuser.
• Over a quarter of Childline counselling sessions about sexual abuse within the family relate to abuse that has happened recently. A fifth of Childline counselling sessions about sexual abuse within the family relates to abuse that has been going on for at least a year.

Mosac’s helpline was busier too, during lockdowns. It wasn’t that Child Sexual Abuse increased, it was always there, hidden, and, being locked indoors, pushed desperate non-abusive parents and carers, as well as abused children to reach out for help. Before the COVID-19 pandemic, it was already difficult for children, and their allies to get the support they need and deserve, during lockdowns, services were stretched to their limits, and they still are now,  suffering the aftermath of the pandemic measures.

Even when someone hears them, the police and the court systems are frauds with outdated and misogynist laws and procedures, often tailored by and for white men. Parental rights to shared custody are often used to push children into the arms of their perpetrator, too often with tragic losses of precious young lives. The innocent parent is often accused of being the manipulative and deluded parent.

The therapies offered are based on patients’ disorders not on the patients’ natural responses to traumatic experiences. A lot of teenagers find comfort and peace in drinking and in taking drugs, unfortunately, instead of seeing them as the scared children doing their best to stay alive, some social workers, therapists and doctors only see them as addicts, as difficult children who need to grow up, take responsibility for their lives when, most of the time nobody took responsibility to protect, to care for and to love these children. Some adults look down on them, pushing for more discipline and control.

Young people are pushed to work harder than ever, to pass exams at a young age. They are told to sit down, to shut up, listen to authority, and to absorb any information given to them. All children are going through a schooling system tailored to one size fit all only. It doesn’t suit every child and those who don’t fit the box, are labelled stupid, rebellious, and having serious issues. Some children/ teenagers with mental and physical illnesses, from poorer background, are cast aside. Who hasn’t been told, at least by one teacher, that “They aren’t good enough and will not succeed in life!”? A life already mapped out for them: go to school, then go University. Get that Degree, then earn £40 000 job. Get a big house, get married before you are 30 years ( have a big wedding, please), and have babies. Bit fit, work hard, and be good.

Children don’t need disciple – read punishment – they need connected loving presences by their side; their difficult behaviour needs to be addressed with compassion too. Fierce Compassion, which includes loving and caring but also setting firm boundaries, and fair “rules” to follow, decided together and that includes all persons involved. Of course, each family, each child/ teen is different. Unfortunately, there are no handbooks attached to our children’s wrists, at birth.

They need at least ONE adult they can turn to, even when they think they’ve just done the worst mistake of their young lives. Especially when they think they’ve just made a terrible choice! A mother they can talk to about their experiences. Or a father who will not shame nor blame them for being young humans with developing brains, and growing bodies who are getting to know themselves outside of their relationships. An adult who will give them the love and care they don’t get at home, and embrace them with their pain, anger, and hurt, making it clear what is healthy and unhealthy as well as providing the right support – counselling, a safe place to live in, help to choose a college or any form of education etc.

It isn’t complicated: they need our love and our protective fierceness. The best way to lead them is by example. We can show them how to become a compassionate mess (We aren’t perfect and so aren’t they!) and how to find their own inner resources.

Any thoughts and experiences you would like to share?

Sylvie

 Resources and support for LGBTQA+ teenagers and young adults go to The Be You Project and Young Stonewall

And a little Self-Compassion goes a long way! Watch the video below.

http://https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tyl6YXp1Y6M

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Sylvie Rouhani

Writer – Blogger – Poet – Mental Health and Child Abuse Activist

Deputy Editor and Journalist for Taxpayers Against Poverty

Author of The Blossoming Lotus”

https://www.austinmacauley.com/book/blossoming-lotus

New Website: Breaking The Cycles

https://breakingthecycles.co.uk/

breakingthecycles.co.uk

I want to recognize the importance of noticing these trauma symptoms and share ideas to help us move forward. If you are struggling to feel safe and connected again, after all, we’ve been through, my hope is to encourage greater compassion for yourself. Maybe you don’t see yourself as a trauma survivor, or perhaps you do identify with other long-term trauma survivors. Know that either way, people survive and can even learn to thrive by repairing and healing the changes to the nervous system trauma causes that have left us feeling fearful, unsure, and alone. Understanding will also bring more awareness to mental health.

The Trauma Imparted by COVID

COVID has been a traumatic experience because our minds and bodies perceived threats to life and safety beyond our control. Over the past two years, the pandemic has done more than threaten our physical health — it has also threatened our social and therefore emotional health because we needed to keep apart from each other when we are wired for connection!

With COVID Winding Down. Why is this Hitting Me Now?

When the intensity of trauma starts to subside, that is when you might start feeling trauma symptoms most.

In the midst of experiencing any trauma, when you’re still going through it, you are likely to be living with a changed nervous system – a state of hypervigilance. The thinking parts of the brain may go offline, functioning on autopilot, for putting one foot in front of the other, trying to predict what threat is next, to survive.

At other times you may be living with hyperarousal, barely noticing life around you, feeling numb. It seems your nervous system has shut off its usual responsiveness to the world in order to avoid the impact of excessive anxiety or fear around you. Whether we’re children or adults experiencing trauma, we don’t necessarily realize the long-lasting impact it’s going to have on our nervous systems, because we’re solely focused on survival.

Dealing with COVID has demanded an extended period of vigilance from most of us. Almost every day for two years, there have been new concerns or changing requirements regarding masks, social distancing, warnings to watch for, symptoms, getting vaccines, being wary of new variants, undergoing testing, etc.

Whether you’ve been in a constant state of hyper- or hypo-arousal or one that fluctuates regarding how you cope or survive the trauma of the pandemic, this has impacted your nervous system.

After two years of dealing with the trauma of COVID, you might be:

1. Experiencing grief in any of its stages. We have lived for so long hoping the threat of danger will change, waiting for things to go back to “normal” and living in a state of hyper- or hypo-arousal. Now we’re exhausted! And we don’t have the same hope that in two weeks, even two months, or at the end of the year it will end. What if life never returns to normal? Accordingly, we may be going through the 5 stages of grief including denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally, acceptance. The pre-acceptance stages may only be starting now, or they may take some time to pass as you move through them.

2. Missing physical contact and feeling exceptionally lonely. With diminished in-person contact, and with people having shifted their boundaries around physical contact, you may not be getting the same amount of social interaction or connection you once had, including touch or hugs or just being in the same room as friends or loved ones, pre-pandemic and find yourself deeply missing that.
3. Overwhelmed and feeling outside of your window of tolerance. The nervous system changes with the impact of trauma. We’ve endured a long period of dysregulation – either in a hyper or hypo aroused state, or shifting between them. As we’ve lived in a chronic state of ongoing trauma, the window of tolerance begins to shrink — making it harder to think and feel at the same time.

4. Using a coping mechanism that is hurting you. To deal with feeling “not right”, “out of sorts”, “crazy”, etc., caused by being outside of your window of tolerance, you may be attempting to self-soothe or manage emotional dysregulation with alcohol, drugs, sex, self-harm, food use or food restriction.
5. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. People with a trauma history often find themselves expecting the next bad thing to happen: waiting for the other shoe to drop, and unable to feel safe in the present.

6. Having suicidal thoughts. Tragically, the pandemic has resulted in an increase in suicidal thoughts and suicide.

If you are experiencing any of these symptoms, you are not alone!

The world has endured the impact of global trauma, and that’s not even considering what may have been happening in your personal life or your trauma history.

All of this has left us with changes in our nervous systems, and the need to deal with them, with trauma-informed kindness and with compassion.

So, what can we do to heal from this long-lasting (and now chronic) trauma?

Here are some ideas that may help:

• Look for the helpers. There are good people out there!

• Feel all of your emotions with the power of AND.

• Widen your window of tolerance. Fortunately, we all have the power to do this!

• Accept the title of trauma survivor. No, you don’t have to wear a t-shirt, although I may wear mine with pride!

• Practice making decisions when everything feels risky.

• Start or continue to set healthy boundaries. Tune in — not out. What feels comfortable to you?

• Recognize things to appreciate. There is always something to be grateful for — we may just have to look a bit deeper today, to get past the worry and grief!

• Cultivate compassion for yourself and others. This is one of the most powerful tools to heal trauma.

• Prioritize self-care, no matter what this looks like for you!

• Find a trauma-informed therapist (even if you don’t think you have trauma).

We initially thought dealing with COVID would be a sprint. It has turned into a marathon (a few times over). We are understandably wary. But there is hope after trauma!

We now have a new capacity for empathy, at least on a small scale, for what it feels like for those with complex trauma to survive life with a nervous system constantly sounding the alarm of mortal threat. Hopefully, this new understanding will help us have more compassion, decrease the stigma against those with mental illness, and create more helpers among us. Ultimately, when we work on healing from trauma, we build resilience and can experience growth after trauma.

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Original Post: https://brickelandassociates.com/6-signs-of-trauma-after-covid-finding-your-path-to-healing/ (Reposted with permission)

Robyn Brickel

Robyn is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with 20+ years of experience providing psychotherapy, as well as the founder and clinical director of a private practice, Brickel and Associates, LLC in Old Town, Alexandria, Virginia. She and her team bring a strengths-based, trauma-informed, systems approach to the treatment of individuals (adolescents and adults), couples and families. She specializes in trauma (including attachment trauma) and the use of dissociative mechanisms; such as: self-harm, eating disorders and addictions. She also approaches treatment of perinatal mental health from a trauma-informed lens.

Robyn also guides clients and clinicians who wish to better understand the impact of trauma on mental health and relationships. She has a wide range of post graduate trauma and addictions education and is trained in numerous relational models of practice, including Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT), the Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT), and Imago therapy. She is a trained Sensorimotor Psychotherapist and is a Certified EMDRIA therapist and Approved Consultant. Utilizing all of these tools, along with mindfulness and ego state work to provide the best care to her clients. She prides herself in always learning and expanding her knowledge on a daily basis about the intricacies of treating complex trauma and trauma’s impact on perinatal distress.

She frequently shares insights, resources and links to mental health news on Facebook and Twitter as well as in her blog at BrickelandAssociates.com

To contact Robyn directly:

Robyn@RobynBrickel.com

www.BrickelandAssociates.com

brickelandassociates.com/

As a people, we were not created to bear such global trauma and civil unrest. It touches the very core of our fears, we long for safety within our families and communities. As a CPTSD patient, my world is rocked, my brain is full and I am out of tears. Watching the world fall apart is scary and many of us need help navigating some of these uncertain and scary waters. Besides fear, a prominent emotion is that of empathy for those who have suffered and who are suffering. Empathy alone can serve as fray in the fabric of our beings, and empathy overload can and will take us to places we don’t want to go, and the road back is difficult.

In his book, “Get Your Life Back”, John Eldredge suggests a few ways we can give our brains a rest. He cites that the amount of information we consume on any given day would crash a computer. His wisdom in this book is good for everyone but it is particularly good for the trauma tribe. I found this book and some of these principles helpful as I make my way back to a calm nervous system absent of the ills of an activated one. Paying attention to those things that activate our trauma respects the hard work of healing. A few of Eldredge’s principles can transition our emotional brain into our safe present with relative ease.

Eldredge’s principles are reinforced by one statement in the book.

“We were not created to bear the burdens of the whole world but of our village”—John Eldredge

Here are a few key points from Eldredge’s book, in deference to brevity, it is impossible to provide them all here.

• Practice the one-minute pause. Eldredge and his team created “The One Minute Pause” to get us to do just that: pause. Available also on a web browser, this encourages us to stop– twice a day, breathe, meditate and ground ourselves to our present safety.
• Practice Benevolent Detachment. This is the ability to let go of that which does not belong to you, or that which you simply cannot control. This stops empathy over-load and protects our own mental health. We can still care about the sufferings of the world yet understand our own limitations. Protect yourself from vicarious trauma, because your brain cannot delineate your own trauma from that of the world.
• Practice Beauty Hunting. When we focus on beauty, we engage our emotional brains in beautiful things, literally switching your consciousness to your present safety and not your activated trauma.
• Put your phone down. It has been said that the computers we hold in our hands are more powerful than NASA computers. The ease of information is dangerous and we must practice some detachment from the barrage of information.

A prominent California pastor encourages this about cell phones and I have found it helpful in my own journey of protecting my peace and healing.

• Divert Daily—this is the practice of putting our phones away for one hour a day. Eldredge’s research demonstrated the average person picks up their phones eighty times a day!
• Withdraw Weekly—this is the practice of putting your phone away for one full day a week. The exception is those things phones were actually meant to do, but this is a practice that has helped me immensely.
• Abandon Annually—this is the practice of putting your phone away for an entire week. This is the hardest one of them all. I have successfully done this for two years and I was a little sad with reentry. I simply had no idea what immense amounts of screen time were doing to my nervous system.

As a trauma tribe, it is so important to protect your peace and healing during these times of unrest. Perhaps utilizing some of these practices will calm your nervous system down, and you can continue to live the life you deserve because YOU MATTER!

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Amy Watson

I am a Florida girl who loves a simple life, Jesus, family, friends, football and the beach (usually in that order). I am a native of Jacksonville, Florida, but have spent most of my adult life on Florida’s west coast.

While being introduced for a speaking opportunity a few years ago, the pastor asked me “who are you?”. The words that followed shocked even me: “I am the precious daughter of the most high God”. There were many years when I would not have answered that question as I did that day.

This article will discuss the increase in childhood sexual abuse during the pandemic explaining the underlying causes and some possible solutions.

Understanding the Problem

The Centers for Disease Control (CDC) report that at least 1 in 7 children has had the experience of being abused or neglected in 2018, well before the onset of the COVID pandemic.

There is a fear that as children are not exposed to mandated reporters of child abuse, these numbers have risen significantly (Campbell, 2022).  This rise in child suffering is driven by parents coming under extra stress from the job and other losses. That is not an excuse for their behavior but an explanation.

It is well-known that many children were abused before the pandemic, especially among families who experienced economic instability before the onset of COVID (SAMSHA, 2020, The Alliance for Child Protection in Humanitarian Action, 2020.)

Child sexual abuse is believed to have increased significantly along with other forms of childhood maltreatment, and it has tremendous lifelong impacts on the health and wellbeing of the child if it is left untreated.

To sum it up, children are at a high risk of being sexually abused during COVID because adults are under a tremendous amount of stress, meaning, unfortunately, that they take their frustrations out on children.

Grooming: Gaining the Trust of Victims

Perpetrators of child sexual abuse during COVID-19 or anytime first must gain the trust of their victim and their caregivers (if they are not the caregivers) by grooming them. Grooming is the process that begins with identifying a victim, gaining their trust, and then tearing down their natural defenses.

Grooming tactics are often directed at children by first gaining the adults’ trust in the child’s life. These predators are often men and women well-known to the child and their parents, such as a cub scout leader or even a family doctor. After achieving trust, the perpetrator initiates contact with the child in a form that excites them, ranging from voyeurism to rape. Grooming helps the perpetrator gains access to the child and sets up a relationship grounded in secrecy.

Grooming a child leaves them hopelessly confused because they are told by their caregivers or the predators themselves that they are safe, yet they experience enormous amounts of pain and guilt, primarily if their body responds. This confusion, pain, and guilt are carried into adulthood and often keeps the victim living in the darkness of secrecy of what happened to them as a child.

Grooming steps include:

Identifying and targeting a victim. All children and teenagers are potential victims, with some predators being attracted to children with specific characteristics such as vulnerable parents who do not monitor their child’s Internet use.

Gaining trust and access to the child. The perpetrator will observe the child and identify their vulnerabilities to learn how to approach them. Perpetrators offer their victims special attention or a sympathetic shoulder to cry on about their woes to elicit a growing friendship with the child. The predator may play games or give rides to their potential victims and give them gifts.

Manipulation. The perpetrator manipulates the child into believing the relationship they have with them is so good that the only one who truly gets the child’s needs and meets them is the predator. A predator ay also uses the child’s empathy against them, convincing the child that they are the only one who understands the perpetrator to make sure the child believes the perpetrator “needs” the child.

Isolating. Luring the child into positions where they are alone with the perpetrator is the next step with keeping the child away from other children and other adults to molest their victims in secret.

Creating a womb of secrecy around the relationship. Perpetrators reinforce the special relationship with their victims by using private communications such as emails or text messages. This communication strengthens the child’s trust and secures secrecy from the child who does not wish to lose their “special relationship” with the predator. At this point, the perpetrator may use threats against their victim of hurting the child’s family or physical harm to the child. They may also state they will die by suicide if the child tells.

Initiating sexual contact. Having established a relationship and secrecy from the child, the perpetrator is ready to coerce their child to perform sexual acts.

The predator maintains control over their victim. Perpetrators rely on secrecy and their relationship with the child to remain safe from being caught for abusing their victims. One method used by predators is to tell the child if they tell, no one will believe them and use shame to keep their silence. Threats of physical violence against the child ensure they will keep the awful secret.

Online Predators and COVID-19

Children are not just in danger in their homes or from people they know; they are also in great danger from online predators who seek out lonely and bored children using the Internet.

The National Center for Missing and Exploited Children has stated that during the first nine months of 2020 and during the COVID-19 pandemic, it received 30,236 reports of possible “online enticement.” Online enticement is when someone communicates with a child online with the intent of engaging them in a sexual conversation, obtaining sexually explicit images, or setting up a meeting with the child. This rate is roughly double the reports of the previous four years.

With more and more children being forced to go online for school and then having enormous amounts of time on their hands, it is easy to see how and why sexual predators would find such children easy prey.

The only way to prevent a child from becoming a victim of online predators is not to allow children onto the Internet unless they are supervised and surfing the web or playing games in the open where their activities are monitored.

Preventing Childhood Sexual Abuse

Prevention of child sexual abuse depends on all of us working together. Every child you each of us contact in our lives is our responsibility, and if we see something that tells us that something isn’t right, the time is now to act.

Even if you are wrong, it is worth losing a friendship or acquaintance to know that you acted on your instincts because a child might be saved from a lifetime of misery.

Prevention begins at home. Watch carefully what and who your child is interacting with online. Keep abreast of their moodiness and watch for signs your child may have encountered a predator.

Talk about child sexual abuse, especially during COVID, to bring this horrific crime against children out into the light from the shadows because secrecy and shame are the predator’s best friends.

In Closing

During COVID, children have been exposed to more violence than in the past four years to all types of abuse. It is not far-fetched to believe that many children have experienced childhood sexual abuse during these unprecedented times.

Children do not become victims overnight but are groomed by their abusers to trust and obey their predator’s whims because they have no choice. Sexual abuse is never the fault of the child; it is always the fault of the perpetrator.

There are many resources available if one wishes to explore and reach out about childhood sexual abuse. Some of these include:

• A medical or mental health professional of your choice.
• RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) https://rainn.org
• Stop It Now! USA https://www.stopitnow.org/
• 1 in 6 https://1in6.org/

Sexual abuse of a child is never okay, even amid a pandemic. If you suspect a child is being abused in any form, please contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-789-SAFE (7233) or your local authorities right away.

“There is neither happiness nor misery in the world; there is only the comparison of one state with another, nothing more. He who has felt the deepest grief is best able to experience supreme happiness.” – Alexandre Dumas

References

Campbell A.M. An increasing risk of family violence during the COVID-19 pandemic: Strengthening community collaborations to save lives. Forensic Science International: Reports. 2020;2 DOI: 10.1016/j.fsir.2020.100089. Advance online publication.

Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA). (2020). Intimate partner violence and child abuse considerations during COVID-19.

The Alliance for Child Protection in Humanitarian Action. United Nations International Children’s Fund; 2020. Technical Note: Protection of Children during the Coronavirus Pandemic (v.2)

If you or a loved one live in the despair and isolation that comes with complex post-traumatic stress disorder, please, come to us for help. CPTSD Foundation offers a wide range of services, including:

• Daily Calls
• The Healing Book Club
• Support Groups
• Our Blog
• The Trauma-Informed Newsletter
• Daily Encouragement Texts

All our services are reasonably priced, and some are even free. So, to gain more insight into how complex post-traumatic stress disorder is altering your life and how you can overcome it, sign-up; we will be glad to help you.  If you cannot afford to pay, go to www.cptsdfoundation.org/scholarship to apply for aid. We only wish to serve you.

Childhood Sexual Abuse and Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

Attachment Trauma: The Unique Impact of Trauma in Infancy

Shirley Davis

My name is Shirley Davis and I am a freelance writer with over 40-years- experience writing short stories and poetry. Living as I do among the corn and bean fields of Illinois (USA), working from home using the Internet has become the best way to communicate with the world. My interests are wide and varied. I love any kind of science and read several research papers per week to satisfy my curiosity. I have earned an Associate Degree in Psychology and enjoy writing books on the subjects that most interest me.

www.learnaboutdid.com

(Before I go further, I want to say: I don’t believe in the “pain Olympics.”  I don’t believe that anyone is suffering more/less in any way right now, or certainly not in any manner that is worthy of note or discernible.

As a complex PTSD sufferer AND a Board Certified Behavior Analyst (BCBA), I can say confidently that it IS entirely possible, within the broad range of the human condition, to suffer *the same level* of pain at the same time.  Read that again. I can confidently say that it is entirely possible we could *all* be experiencing the same level of grief simultaneously right now.  Why?  Because everything that is happening is relative to each of us, on an individualistic level.  And that is all that matters for many (too many) of us right now.  Please remember this point, as you read my writing.)

But, when you have complex PTSD (and of course, this is only my experience), everything around you suddenly *has the potential* to become a trigger. 

Here is an example. 

One of my favorite shows in the world is Schitt’s Creek.  (I also have a deep love for Seinfeld, and SC is THAT UP THERE- that’s serious business) I love it, for a large number of reasons (and many of them are sentimental, with my daughter).  I am a bit obsessed, one could say. 

But, there is a *portion* of a scene within that show that makes my heart rate spike every time I see it.  It catches my breath, and there’s a part of me that goes blank for a brief moment.  The whole “scene” lasts about… 10 seconds, maybe?  You can easily dig up a video of this (it’s in the episode where the singles event happens), but I would like to describe it myself, for those that haven’t seen it (totally watch it, though!).

Moira and Alexis (Mother/Daughter) are essentially just bickering.  It’s about fairly petty things in the scheme of things regarding an event they are putting on together (a local “Single’s Event”).  Pretty typical silly bickering type stuff- no big deal.  Then, there is this part where Alexis goes a teeny bit *too far* with Moira I, and Moira gets a tone in her voice that is very mocking, ridiculing. (Moira says: “I’ll tell you what I’m about to do… “ – when that line starts).

I am not looking to get into the exact details of why a mother mocking her daughter, even in jest, would be a triggering 10 seconds and cause my heart rate to spike.  But, I am looking to point out the following: everything has the *potential* to become a trigger when you have complex PTSD due to the specific intricacies and detail that usually accompanies long-term, traumatic events. 

But why does this matter?

The eventual effects of long-term, repeated trauma will soon be important to recognize as we are *all* going through a collective traumatic experience, particularly healthcare workers. I fear complex trauma will become a subject that we will all need to become more familiar with within the coming years.

To be clear, this doesn’t even mean that it will result in a huge uptick in C-PTSD diagnoses’ (though that is certainly possible). Rather, what is more horrifying, is that this collective trauma will have physiological and emotional consequences for even those that are “okay” enough never to receive any formal diagnosis.  This vast knowledge and research of the long-term effects of trauma will soon be relevant for all of us (again, particularly health care workers/front line workers that have witnessed atrocities and months of death), like it or not.

I write this as an introduction for myself, as, ultimately, a C-PTSD sufferer that has spent the past 9-10 months (being forced to…) identify my own triggers.  This has been while on medical leave from work, which occurred when my own struggles resulted in physical ailments (manifestations) of trauma in my daily life. 

So, I  have spent far too much time deconstructing my own triggers within a personal and academic framework, so I also write this as a professional.  I aim to use my education and professional experience, in conjunction with my personal background, to inform how the science of behaviorism can be used responsibly to pull apart one’s own triggers (once identified), as this will, unfortunately, become a problem for many of us. 

—–

(Like gravity or the laws of physics, the science of behaviorism (and thus, how we interact and perceive the world around us) isn’t science that can be refuted.  Not easily, anyway.  However, I would like to speak to the neurodiverse community and say: I recognize that many chapters of the history of behaviorism (and the field of applied behavior analysis as a whole) do have a sordid history that should be acknowledged.  I have many thoughts on this subject, but I ultimately very likely agree with your assessment. It’s why I want to help educate about the *science* of behaviorism so it can be thoroughly picked apart and humanely reconstructed within fields.  (I.e., such as the deconstruction of triggers and “unpairing” them from ourselves physiologically, etc.).  I hear you and want to learn from you if you’re willing (in addition to my own education efforts). 

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Elizabeth Connis

What Is Complex PTSD?

PTSD, also known as Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, is an anxiety-based condition that results from experiencing a traumatic event, such as a car accident or natural disaster. When trauma repeats over the course of months or years, Complex PTSD may develop. Examples of situations that can cause Complex PTSD include:

• Ongoing neglect in your childhood
• Living in a war-torn area for a long time
• Abuse of any kind that’s ongoing
• Survivors of human trafficking
• Any situation that causes ongoing anxiety for months or years 

Long-term traumatic stress lies at the heart of Complex PTSD. Stress is known to target certain key areas of the brain, including the prefrontal cortex, amygdala, and hippocampus. These areas play pivotal roles in managing how you perceive stressful situations and how you react to them. With complex PTSD, these areas become highly-sensitized to stress, in general, leaving your nervous system on high alert, even when circumstances are calm or normal.

COVID-19 and Its Effects

A pandemic like COVID-19 not only creates a health crisis but its aftereffects inflict psychological trauma on a population. In order to keep the virus from spreading, people all across the country have had to change their lifestyles in drastic ways: 

• Stay-at-home orders
• Wearing masks
• Social distancing
• Changes in employment status
• Financial strain
• Losing loved ones and not being able to attend their funerals 

Even people trying to recover from alcohol and substance abuse have had to make difficult changes since alcohol rehab programs have been forced to operate in ways that can disrupt the recovery process. In effect, all of these changes combined have created the perfect recipe for mass psychological trauma.

Can COVID-19 Cause Complex PTSD?

COVID-19 has been around for months and shows no signs of ending in the near future. These conditions have the potential to leave many people in a continuous state of anxiety and fear of the unknown. The safe and free lifestyle the United States has enjoyed for so long is undergoing radical change. A loss of safety and security lies at the root of trauma, in general, as well as at the root of COVID-19’s effects on the country. Considering how long the country has been in the grips of COVID-19 and the ongoing changes people have to had to make, this is a perfect recipe for Complex PTSD, especially for those of us experiencing the worst of this pandemic.

Symptoms of Complex PTSD

More than anything else, it’s how you perceive COVID-19 and its effects that determine whether you experience distress or trauma. This means the risk of developing Complex PTSD varies from person to person. Also keep in mind that even though you may experience one or more of the following symptoms, Complex PTSD only applies when symptoms persist for a long time, such as for weeks or months. 

Symptoms of Complex PTSD to watch for include: 

• Feelings of worry or anxiety interfere with your ability to function
• Problems sleeping
• Avoiding people and places that relate to the trauma
• Feeling on-edge
• Experiencing high-stress levels
• Irritability
• Problems thinking or concentrating
• Feeling hyper-vigilant or always on alert

Risk Factors for Complex PTSD

For some people, past experiences involving trauma may make them more susceptible to developing complex PTSD during the COVID-19 crisis. In turn, certain risk factors can make you more susceptible. Risk factors to consider include: 

• Existing mental health issues, such as depression or anxiety-based disorders
• Having a family history of mental illness
• A lack of supportive relationships
• Being unemployed
• Experiencing physical, emotional, or sexual abuse during childhood
• Working a high-stress job
• Money problems 

Things You Can Do to Protect Yourself  

While chemical imbalances in the brain often contribute to mental health problems, what you think about and how you behave can either reinforce feelings of anxiety or help reduce them. If you find yourself constantly thinking or worrying about getting sick or losing your job, it only feeds into the feelings of unrest bred by COVID-19. Paying attention to what you’re thinking about and neutralizing destructive thought patterns with positive, empowering thoughts can go a long way towards easing the strain of this national crisis we’re all experiencing.

Here are a few other measures you can take to protect yourself:

• Spend time with friends and family, even if it’s just face-time, or online
• Take daily walks to keep stress levels in check
• Join a PTSD support group
• Consider getting counseling if you’re prone to depression or feelings of anxiety

Like any other life stressor, it’s best to address potential problems sooner rather than later to keep things from getting worse. This is especially true if you suspect you are experiencing symptoms of complex PTSD.

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Sources – 

1 – Medical News Today, “Complex PTSD: Symptoms, Behaviors, and Recovery

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/322886

2 – Centers for Disease Control & Prevention, “Mental Health and Coping During COVID-19”

https://www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-ncov/daily-life-coping/managing-stress-anxiety.html

3 – National Criminal Justice Reference Service, “Long-Term Stress Reactions”

https://www.ncjrs.gov/ovc_archives/reports/crt/chap4.htm

4 – Sunshine Behavioral Health, “Inpatient Alcohol Rehab Options”

https://www.sunshinebehavioralhealth.com/alcohol-addiction/alcohol-rehab/

Patrick Bailey

Your ability to balance or regulate emotional highs and lows is your window of tolerance. You can widen it – which is especially needed in times like these — to manage better with everyday life.

When it comes to a window of emotional tolerance, bigger is better. Widening our windows isn’t easy. But it is necessary. Sometimes life pushes us to expand our windows—whether we want to or not.

The COVID-19 pandemic is driving up stress for everyone. It can escalate the worry and anxiety we all have to manage. It is also depressing for some, decreasing their energy or motivation.

When you know about your window of tolerance, you can work to stretch it to cope with changing emotions, stop feeling overwhelmed, and handle whatever life throws at you.

What It Feels Like Being Outside the Window of Tolerance

You’ll know what it’s like to be outside the window of emotional tolerance when your emotions become unmanageable. In therapy we say you’re either above your window or below it.

When your emotional energy is above your window of tolerance you may feel:

• Overwhelmed
• Upset by small things
• Angry
• Like your head is spinning; your mind runs in circles; you have racing thoughts
• Can’t stop being busy; can’t sleep; can’t slow down
• Restless, anxious, panic
• Hard on yourself; self-critical

Therapists call this

• Hyperarousal
• Hypervigilance
• Anxiety

You know your emotional energy is below your window of tolerance when you feel:

• Numb or dead inside
• Like not caring
• Unmotivated
• Unsure how you feel
• Like running away or hiding
• Unable to say no
• Unable to stand up for yourself or keep your boundaries
• Down on yourself, ashamed
• Little self-compassion

Therapists call this

• Hypoarousal
• Depression

When you feel like you can handle what’s happening or how you are feeling, you are emotionally safe, you know you’re living within a healthy window of tolerance.

What Is the Window of Tolerance?

The window of tolerance is a concept used by many experts in mental health, including Dan Siegel and Janina Fisher. It helps describe the ability to tolerate emotions. Within your window of tolerance you are able to:

• Think and feel at the same time
• Have all parts of your brain working together at the same time
• Hold more than one feeling at a time (a huge accomplishment in trauma therapy)

Expanding your window of tolerance allows you to sit with – and live with — emotions that were too much before.

As your self-care skills grow, you can hold both your feelings and your thoughts together. You know you’ll make it through and you’ll feel safe inside.

Your emotions are how you feel. There are no wrong emotions – even when they’re outside your window of tolerance.

When your feelings expand beyond your window of tolerance or your window is narrow or small, your thoughts and feelings easily feel overwhelming. They are all you notice or feel. You can’t see around them or past them.

You may experience anxiety, racing thoughts, frustrations and may feel unsafe. This is hyperarousal. It’s actually a coping skill people use to try to feel less badly or less scared. Taking action feels like a way to protect yourself from danger or have some sense of control. Trying to stay super-busy is a way people use hyperarousal, so they don’t have to feel or experience the discomfort of overwhelming feelings. They are too busy! You may think if you stay as busy as possible, and do all you can, you will be able to keep yourself safe or avoid feelings you don’t like or don’t know what to do with.

Some people experience hypoarousal. They feel numb, passive, disconnected and often ashamed. They may shut down, or zone out in front of the TV, to keep away the discomfort of unmanageable feelings. They may have overwhelming sadness, shame, feelings of rejection, or otherwise feel unsafe. If you are not present, you don’t have to feel.

Why Some People Have More Tolerance than Others

Trauma impacts the window of tolerance.

Some people learned early on that even if things got hard, they would be okay. These are often people who grew up with secure attachment. At least one caregiver helped them understand their feelings and needs, no matter what those were. There was a language for feelings. They lived with a person or people around them who made them feel safe. Because they had a secure foundation, they learned how to tolerate many kinds of thoughts and emotions. These experiences can help a person have a fairly large or wide window of tolerance.

Other people struggle with unknown feelings or unpredictability. When no one teaches you how to tolerate feelings, nurture feelings or that emotions are not bad, everything feels overwhelming. Some people grow up feeling alone, with no one to help make sense of their world.

Some people grow up being told their feelings are wrong or don’t make sense. Some children experience painful rejection — physical abuse, sexual abuse, emotional neglect, or all of these — when showing caregivers their emotional needs. This teaches them it’s wrong or even can cause pain to have needs and express them.  Some children come to believe they bring the pain of abuse and neglect upon themselves because they felt sad and cried, asked for attention or felt lonely.

Such childhood experiences can make tolerating or even understanding feelings difficult. This is especially true for complex developmental trauma survivors. These examples are how many people experience trauma or insecure, avoidant or disorganized attachment. These experiences likely lead to a narrower window of tolerance. If you feel unable to deal with emotions, you may try not to feel them.

Some use hyperarousal, and some use hypoarousal to manage their nervous system. Some even use both, toggling between the two. They may as they age use something external to try to feel less badly inside, like drugs, alcohol, food, sex, self-harm, exercise or dissociation. If someone experienced childhood trauma, or trauma over time, their window of tolerance is likely to be narrower than someone who had help learning how to manage their inner world.

The window of tolerance (image courtesy of Janina Fisher, Ph.D.).

A pandemic is a traumatic experience. It can narrow all of our windows.

We all have to tolerate things we don’t like during the COVID-19 pandemic. We are facing conditions that are uncomfortable and out of our control. We have to tolerate the anxiety around not knowing what’s going on or what will happen next, and concerns about our daily health and safety. Physical separation may even trigger issues of loneliness, rejection or abandonment from the past, whether we realize it or not.

No matter how big our windows of tolerance were before COVID, this pandemic is challenging them. This experience has narrowed some of our windows. (Every child now has at least one more adverse childhood experience – one more ACE score!)

This health crisis might trigger feelings in flashbacks from past traumas. Some of us think—I can’t handle this anymore! We may at times want to resort to coping mechanisms that don’t serve us well, just so we don’t have to feel the pain, discomfort or confusion.

However, this difficult situation is also an opportunity to choose to expand our windows of tolerance.

How Do We Expand our Windows of Tolerance?

Noticing what you feel, with kindness and compassion, is a good first step. It sounds simple, but it isn’t easy. Widening the window of tolerance starts with slowing down enough to find words for what you feel.

Dr. Dan Siegel calls this process, “Name it to tame it.”

Once you notice you are having a strong emotional reaction, the next step is to describe, or name it – whether to yourself or out loud. For example, say mentally “I am feeling angry” or “I have a tight ball of nerves in my gut.” Choosing words to describe subtle emotions jump-starts your executive brain and calms down your emotional limbic brain.

Putting sensations into words like this is why we use a bottom-up approach to therapy

These steps can help you use “name it to tame it” to expand your window of tolerance:

1. First notice and name your sensations and feelings. When you can put words to how you are feeling, it helps you feel calmer.
2. Start by just sitting with your feelings for a few seconds at a time. Small increments are great. Don’t feel like you have to endure them for too long. Sit and notice what’s happening. Notice how your inner world feels. Breathe, and even if you’re not calm yet, notice that the feelings aren’t actually killing you. You can sit with them. You can tolerate them.
3. See if you can find something to be grateful for in the situation. Maybe you can acknowledge and thank the protective part of you – the part you had to develop in childhood to keep you safe. You may recognize hyperarousal as what you did to be safe from an abusive parent. Back then, being that alert may have kept you alive. Notice — do you need that feeling now?
4. See if you can acknowledge your strengths and what you’ve survived.
5. Give yourself some grace. This situation is hard! Building or deepening a practice of self-compassion and self-care will help you expand your window immensely.
6. Choose to reach out to the helpers in your life. Find someone safe to talk with about your feelings. Being connected increases your window of tolerance. You may feel like you don’t want to be a burden, but healing thrives in relationships! Part of expanding your window is learning to reach out and ask for help. Think of reaching out when you might otherwise choose to turn inward or turn towards an unhealthy coping mechanism.
7. Know you are not alone. Healthy relationships help us heal.

Remember, we can feel both discomfort and acceptance at the same time!

A large window of tolerance won’t make difficulties disappear. You may have some anxiety or sadness—even when you are in the window. That is a normal part of life. With a larger window, you know you will get through it. You are more than your hardships.

Even if you are struggling to tolerate your feelings or find ways to regulate your emotions, you can still be kind and gentle to yourself. You can still take good care of yourself. You can be grateful for the wisdom in your feelings. You can hold the anxiety and hold the compassion at the same time. You can be anxious and reach out. You can feel like running away and sit with your feelings.

When you are able to feel the discomfort and choose compassion, you are expanding your window of tolerance.

How to Help Someone Else Expand Their Window

When someone expresses their anxiety, fear, or discomfort to you, don’t try to fix them. Acknowledge, hold and witness their feelings so they don’t have to experience them alone. Instead of jumping to fix the situation, words like these can help:

• That sounds really hard. I’m here for you.
• You are not alone!
• Is there anything I can do to make this better for you?
• You are doing what you can to cope with something so unpredictable and scary!

Notice when you feel your window being stretched. Notice all that you can hold within you – your compassion and your ways of nurturing yourself. You are, therefore, as safe as you can be.

Expanding our windows of tolerance isn’t easy. But it’s doable. And it’s worth it!

Do You Need Support in Expanding Your Window of Tolerance?

A trauma-informed therapist can help. If you’re a potential new client, please contact me. At this time, we are providing only virtual teletherapy, implemented for the COVID-19 health crisis.

Resources

• View our COVID-19 Guidance, Procedures and Resources.
• Blog post: How to Build Resilience as a Trauma Survivor
• Blog post: You Can Reduce the Stress You’re Feeling Right Now!
• Blog post: Support for Trauma Survivors and Their Loved Ones
• Psychoeducational Images: Janina Fisher’s Psychoeducational Flip Chart
• Book: Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors: Overcoming Internal Self-Alienation by Janina Fisher
• Video: Dan Siegel-Name it to Tame it
• Book: The Whole-Brain Child, by Dan Siegel
• Book: The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk M.D.
• Article: Understanding Trauma and its Treatment, Janina Fisher
• PDF: Trauma-Informed Stabilisation Treatment: A New Approach to Treating Unsafe Behaviour by Janina Fisher
• PDF: Retraining the Brain: Harnessing our Neuralplasticity, Janina Fisher
• Blog post: Understanding and Working with the Window of Tolerance, Dan Siegel

Image credits: Window of Tolerance illustration, by Janina Fisher, Ph.D. is used with permission.

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Find out more about counseling services in Alexandria Virginia for individuals, couples, and families.

Next Steps

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Robyn Brickel

Robyn is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with 20+ years of experience providing psychotherapy, as well as the founder and clinical director of a private practice, Brickel and Associates, LLC in Old Town, Alexandria, Virginia. She and her team bring a strengths-based, trauma-informed, systems approach to the treatment of individuals (adolescents and adults), couples and families. She specializes in trauma (including attachment trauma) and the use of dissociative mechanisms; such as: self-harm, eating disorders and addictions. She also approaches treatment of perinatal mental health from a trauma-informed lens.

Robyn also guides clients and clinicians who wish to better understand the impact of trauma on mental health and relationships. She has a wide range of post graduate trauma and addictions education and is trained in numerous relational models of practice, including Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT), the Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT), and Imago therapy. She is a trained Sensorimotor Psychotherapist and is a Certified EMDRIA therapist and Approved Consultant. Utilizing all of these tools, along with mindfulness and ego state work to provide the best care to her clients. She prides herself in always learning and expanding her knowledge on a daily basis about the intricacies of treating complex trauma and trauma’s impact on perinatal distress.

She frequently shares insights, resources and links to mental health news on Facebook and Twitter as well as in her blog at BrickelandAssociates.com

To contact Robyn directly:

Robyn@RobynBrickel.com

www.BrickelandAssociates.com

brickelandassociates.com/

This article will focus on the danger of burnout and how first responders are at risk of having burnout and secondary trauma.

What is Burnout?

Being a first responder during COVID-19, and indeed, any time during the helping professions often brings people into stressful situations. First responders may witness human suffering, and because they are human, feel powerless to help.

The short answer to the question of burnout is that it is a feeling of desperate exhaustion and being overwhelmed during exposure to distressing situations. The human cost of burnout is horrendous to essential workers makes the virus pale by comparison.

Signs of burnout include:

• Being easily frustrated
• Sadness, depression, or apathy
• Blaming others
• Irritability
• Poor hygiene
• Feeling tired, exhausted, or overwhelmed
• Lacking feelings, or being indifferent
• Feeling a failure
• Feeling there is nothing you can do that will help
• Feeling a need for alcohol or drugs to cope
• Feeling the inability to do their job well

The workloads we expect essential workers to handle, coupled with being separated from their families, is a perfect recipe for an emotional disaster.

Methods to Prevent Burnout

First responders and other essential workers face the stress that the rest of us could not tolerate. They come to the rescue when we are in distress and try their best to alleviate pain and help us heal. It is vital that first responders manage the stress and distress they endure every day.

Burnout is a huge problem that might lead to serious mental illness forming in first responders and essential workers, some things can be done. Below is just a partial list of methods to help prevent burnout.

Practice self-monitoring and pacing. Watch for the signs of burnout in yourself and your colleagues. Do not forget to watch for signs of suicidal thinking or ideation in yourself and others. Suicide is a considerable danger for first responders and essential workers, especially after the crisis has ended.

Regularly check-in with your family and friends. Staying connected to family and friends is vital to recognize that the crisis will end, and life will one day return to normal. Remain connected through Skype or another video chatting, and the anxiety of the day will feel less pressing.

Work with partnerships or teams. Try to always work with others to share the burden of stress. Do not bear the responsibility of patients or work on your own. Remember, there are others to share obligations and stress.

Practice relaxation techniques and stress management breaks. There are many different relaxation techniques one can employ when stressed, including deep breathing and meditation. Remember to take regular breaks to ease the tension and lessen the chances of burnout.

Make sure to time-outs for primary bodily care and refreshment. It is common for essential workers, such as nurses and doctors, to ignore their own needs when working in a crisis situation. However, they must take the time to go to the bathroom, catch a nap, and eat.

Do their best to maintain helpful self-talk. Unfortunately, it is common for people battling COVID-19 to experience negative self-talk. They tell themselves they are failures or that they should have done something different when someone gets worse or dies from the virus. First responders and essential workers must practice good self-talk and reassure themselves that they are doing all that is humanly possible to help.

Focusing their efforts on what is within their power. Doctors, nurses, and other people fighting for the lives of people who are experiencing complications due to COVID-19 are doing their very best. They offer their patients the best care at a considerable cost to themselves. However, no one has control over life, death, or the decisions and actions of others. There are just some things that one cannot control. Allowing themselves to remember this fact will help ease the power of burnout.

Accept situations they cannot change. This last method is related to the previous, accept situations that cannot be altered and do not personalize what happens. After all, you are sacrificing your family life and your own mental health, what more can you give? There are just some situations no one can change.

What is Secondary Trauma

Also known as compassion fatigue, secondary trauma is commonly referred to as “the stress resulting from helping or wanting to help a traumatized or suffering person” (Figley 1995). There can be no more fitting explanation of what our first responders and essential workers are going through during the COVID-19 crisis.

All professionals who work with others who are traumatized or distressed and their family members are at risk of experiencing secondary trauma.

Secondary trauma is identical to secondary traumatic stress disorder and is equivalent to post-traumatic stress disorder (Figley, 1995) (Simpson & Starkey, 2006). In fact, Dr. Laurie Pearlman described secondary trauma as the “cumulative transformative effect of working with survivors of traumatic life events.”

Common symptoms of secondary trauma may include:

• Intrusive thoughts
• Chronic sadness
• Chronic anger
• Inability to concentrate
• Detachment
• Fearfulness
• Shame
• Second-guessing
• Physical illness
• Emotional exhaustion

As can be seen, first responders and essential workers gamble with their lives while saving ours.

Mindfulness to Prevent and Heal Secondary Trauma

Treating and healing secondary trauma may seem daunting, but it can be done with some patience and determination. Remember, this is the lives of those who are caring for the sick and dying during the COVID-19 crisis and their families. It is well worth the time it takes to follow the methods outlined below.

If you are feeling anxious, sad, or angry to turn to stinking thinking such as “what is wrong with me?” Mindfulness can ease these thoughts and release energy that has built up because of being present in a traumatic situation.

Mindfulness is the practice of achieving a mental state where one is focused on one’s own awareness on the present moment while calmly acknowledging and accepting one’s own feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations.

In practicing mindfulness, one can pull themselves out of the drama and trauma happening around them and bring on a sense of calm. Being present in the moment means not dwelling on the future or the past. By practicing mindfulness and self-compassion, one can recognize their feelings without judging them, offering essential workers the ability to temporarily escape the trauma all around them.

The Stigma of Seeking Help

Seeking help when overwhelmed for a first responder is very difficult because they must overcome the stigma involved in doing so. Such is the fear of being deemed unfit for duty or weak that more than 80% of first responders refuse to reach out for assistance.

Societal expectations and idealizations of first responders and essential workers are high that they can respond and perform well no matter what the event they are facing.

To make matters worse for first responders and essential workers, there are not public safety agencies set up to help them to either avoid or treat for burnout or secondary trauma. This means that a vast majority of first responders who need help dealing with their emotions are left suffering alone and in silence.

It is time that employers respond to the very human emotional needs of their employees and set up services to aid them in handling the horrendous stress they endure.

The Danger Does Not Stop With the End of COVID-19

A core factor for first responders is the fast pace of their work that does not give them time to integrate or process their experiences. In fact, one study showed that 69% of EMS professionals have never had enough time to recover between traumatic events (Bentley et al., 2013).

The lack of time to heal leaves first responders and essential workers open to developing depression, symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder, suicidal ideation, and other serious mental health complications.

The same can be said for after the crisis has passed. Men and women who have forged their way through the territory of disaster can and will fall victim to mental health disorders if there is no intervention.

As a society, we owe our first responders and essential workers an outstanding debt, and taking care of their needs after COVID-19 passes is an obligation we must meet. After the pandemic has passed, these brave people and their families will need us more than ever to deal with the aftermath and any mental health challenges they may face. Above all else, they need to feel and know that they are not alone.

“If you are ever sad and think that life is hard, remember that you are not alone…” ~ Abbas Kazerooni

“You’ve always had people who care about you. Always. Don’t pretend like you have to go through this alone.” ~ Emory R. Frie

During this challenging time with the COVID-19 crisis, the CPTSD Foundation wants to reach out to you.

If you or a loved one are living in the despair and isolation that comes with complex post-traumatic stress disorder, please, come to us for help. The CPTSD Foundation offers a wide range of services including:

Daily Calls

The Healing Book Club

Mindfulness, Prayer, and Meditation Circle

Support Groups

Our Blog

The Trauma-Informed Newsletter

Daily Encouragement Texts

All our services are reasonably priced, and some are even free. So, to gain more insight into how complex post-traumatic stress disorder is altering your life and how you can overcome it, sign-up, we will be glad to help you.

References

Bentley, M. A., Crawford, J. M., Wilkins, J. R., Fernandez, A. R., & Studnek, J. R. (2013). An assessment of depression, anxiety, and stress among nationally certified EMS professionals. Prehospital Emergency Care, 17(3), 330-338.

Figley, C.R. (Ed.) (1995). Compassion Fatigue: Secondary Traumatic Stress Disorders from Treating the Traumatized. New York: Brunner/Mazel, p.7.

Figley, C.R. (1995). Compassion fatigue: Coping with secondary traumatic stress disorder in those who treat the traumatized. Bristol, PA: Brunner/Mazel.

Saakvitne, K. W., & Pearlman, L. A. (1996). Transforming the pain: A workbook on vicarious traumatization. WW Norton & Co.

Simpson, L. R., & Starkey, D. S. (2006). Secondary traumatic stress, compassion fatigue, and counselor spirituality: Implications for counselors working with trauma. Retrieved March 22, 2007.

Shirley Davis

My name is Shirley Davis and I am a freelance writer with over 40-years- experience writing short stories and poetry. Living as I do among the corn and bean fields of Illinois (USA), working from home using the Internet has become the best way to communicate with the world. My interests are wide and varied. I love any kind of science and read several research papers per week to satisfy my curiosity. I have earned an Associate Degree in Psychology and enjoy writing books on the subjects that most interest me.

www.learnaboutdid.com