The Advent Season

The build-up to the Christmas season is what Christians call the Advent Season. It is usually four weeks and a few days before Christmas Day to prepare and get ready for the holidays. As each week goes by, a candle is lit, and the Sunday before Christmas is the day when we have four lit candles on our dinner table and in our living room. The final fifth candle is to mark Christmas Day. The day that 2,000 or so years ago, Christ was born in Bethlehem. Those weeks of advent can be extraordinarily busy for some people. If you have a family with young children, there is always the build-up of anticipation and excitement for Santa Claus to come. Kids may have an advent calendar to mark off the day by opening one window with a chocolate or small toy treat inside. We decorate our houses with Christmas trees, decorations and tinsel and maybe even put a Christmas wreath on the front door. We light up our houses inside and out to make our homes bright and cheerful. My own kids have been vibrating with excitement and energy for about a month now, and everyone is tired but happy. Keeping the kids busy before the holidays is always a challenge because if you live in the northern hemisphere, it is also getting dark early. I usually bake and do craft activities with my kids, and the board games come out in the evenings. We make gingerbread men and Christmas toffees and also build toy models out of wood or Legos. I get my guitar and flute out and play Christmas carols with my kids and their friends. It is a time for us to gather as a family after a busy day at work and school and be together. We light the advent candles before dinner each night and cozy up as the day folds into darkness. Traditionally, where we live, our kids do a Christmas pageant, a Christmas talent show, or a nativity play in our elementary and middle schools. Every state and county has different traditions. At work, there are usually Christmas parties, dinners, and drinks to celebrate another year gone by and to wish everyone a happy Christmas.

Families are usually spread out and no longer living in the same cities and towns as we used to do 100 years ago. There are always people in the family who have to travel. Some of us usually travel far and wide to visit with family over the Christmas holidays. Airports, freeways, buses, and trains are fully booked just before the holiday starts. Retail businesses are also unbelievably busy before the holiday begins, with grocery stores, food markets, and other retail businesses bursting at the seams with food, Christmas presents, and all you can think of to buy. You can buy pretty much anything before Christmas. If you are in marketing, you will have been campaigning for weeks to get customers to buy the products you are selling. Delivery vans are speeding up and down the streets to deliver parcels and gifts to people everywhere. The Christmas holiday season is big business.

Celebrating Christmas

Christmas Eve arrives, and time slows down. People have all their loved ones in one place, and all the decorations and gifts have been bought and wrapped. Most countries in Europe and Asia celebrate Christmas on Christmas Eve. All Christians have their own traditions of food, drinks, treats, and the time they exchange their gifts. It is as individual as our faces, and all families are slightly different in the way they celebrate. What we all have in common is that we have come to spend time together. It is a precious time of year. In the US, UK, and Australia, we celebrate Christmas on Christmas Day. That is the day we have our Christmas dinner and exchange gifts. It is a day when our Christmas table is filled with happy faces and joy as we share Christmas food and laughter around the table. We always have our “emergency chairs” come out from the cupboard as we don’t normally have 12 people around the table. If you are religious, you may go to church on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day or maybe one of them, depending on when you can fit everything into the day. When it is time to exchange gifts, we gather together in one room and often spend hours laughing and enjoying each precious gift. The kids get so excited about their presents as there is a flurry of wrapping paper and tape that gets catapulted around the room with whoops of joy and happiness. It is all part of Christmas – sharing joy and happiness.

Not everyone has got family at Christmas. I used to be one of them because I chose to move away from my own family due to abuse. It was my choice and the right one for me. Christmas can be a very lonely time, and if you are one of those survivors who do not have family, I think of you. I hope that wherever you are in your healing journey, you keep well and take some time for yourself. Spend some time with a friend and in a happy place. Try not to be alone for the whole day. Look after yourself and know that you do matter and you are not alone. There is a new year just a few days away with an endless amount of opportunities and possibilities. The future is always bright.

I wish you all a happy and joyful Christmas!

With Love,

Elizabeth

Photo by Yevhen Buzuk on Unsplash

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Elizabeth Woods

For more about me: https://www.elizabethwoodsauthor.com

Elizabeth Woods grew up in a world of brutal sex offenders, murderers, and inconceivably neglectful adults. Elizabeth is passionate about spreading awareness of what it is like to survive after trauma. She is the author of several books and has written her memoir, telling her childhood story: The Sex-Offender’s Daughter: A True Story of Survival Against All Odds, available on Amazon Kindle and paperback.

Elizabeth is also the author of “Living with Complex PTSD” and the Cedar’s Port Fiction series: “Saving Joshua”, “Protecting Sarah”, “Guarding Noah” and “Bringing Back Faith,” and “Restoring Hope,” available here: https://www.amazon.com/stores/author/B0BCBZQN7L/allbooks?ingress=0&visitId=7e223b5b-1a29-45f0-ad9d-e9c8fdb59e9c&ref_=ap_rdr&ccs_id=931f96e2-c220-4765-acc8-cc99bb95e8bd

www.elizabethwoodsauthor.com/

I am not rejecting all of you amazing people, I am rejecting the honey that has brought all of us bees together. Honestly, how many of you truly want to be in this club? Like ALL of you, one of my favourite phrases (usually followed by some very inventive swear words) is, “I’m sick of this shit”.

Opening Pandaora’s Box

The best and the worst of the CPTSD journey is near the beginning when the land of CPTSD Oz has been revealed and you’re both fascinated, relieved, and revolted. The dream of a better life just became real, but you can’t unsee flying monkeys and you can’t unsee CPTSD. I have heard so many of us on this site talk about “opening Pandora’s box” and wanting to slam it shut, but it was too late. That is certainly how I felt.

Suddenly, CPTSD was coming at me from all directions. I couldn’t turn a corner or have a conversation with someone without a flashback, brain fart, or emotional aha moment. CPTSD stalked me all my life in the shadows. I always knew something was there and it terrified me, but I could never fully see it or put a name to it.  However, once I fully saw it and named it, it no longer stalked me—instead it moved in, took over my closet, put its feet on the coffee table, and asked what I was making for supper. Every. Damn. Day.

I had transformed into “Super-CPTSD” who could leap tall flashbacks in a single meltdown and could disassociate faster than any memory could catch me.

I could not get away from it, even for a moment. So, I decided that I was going to be the best CPTSD buster that ever lived. I was going to “get over it” and jumped into the books, podcasts, therapy, and support groups. I had transformed into “Super-CPTSD” who could leap tall flashbacks in a single meltdown and could disassociate faster than any memory could catch me.

This phase lasted for about two weeks from my initial “OMG” moment. Then, a particularly nasty flashback that put me on my butt and into my bed for a couple of days brought me back to reality. This was not another achievement or notch on my life belt. None of my previous tactics or tools were going to defeat this sucker.  While all my previous emotional work and healing had prepared me for the battle, I needed more.

This is the point in most self-help articles where I should be giving you the magic recipe to defeat that emotional monster in three easy steps and start a new and improved life. But, if you’re like me and someone tries to tell me I can do something in three easy steps, I want to slap them with the book they’re recommending.

There is no easy fix. We have all tried that whether it be denial, addiction, or the other myriad of quick fixes we attempt to get through this as quickly and painlessly as possible. But, there is a fix and it is actually quite simple. We need to feel the pain and as Brene Brown says, lean into it. I know you’re thinking, “What? Are you insane? I’m trying to NOT feel the pain anymore!” Well, that’s the conundrum of healing from trauma: to no longer feel pain, you need to feel the pain. But this time, you will be able to access your adult self and a solid system of support to reach in and truly heal that pain, so it is the last time you feel it to this degree.

Yes, the pain will end. Soon enough, you will find yourself in a new club, and this one you will definitely want to join—the CPTSD Healed Club. In this club, meetings aren’t so regular because you don’t really need them. They are fun though and filled with lots of smiles and knowing nods as we reminisce about how deep our pain used to be. Membership is open and we are always actively recruiting because we want everyone to join our club. If you are reading this, it shows that you are already on the right path to joining this club. Welcome!

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Belinda Pyle

Belinda lives on beautiful Vancouver Island where she fills her need for nature with hiking, horses, ocean, and any furry critters she can find. She is completing her post-grad certificate in Addictions and Mental Health Counselling and looks forward to helping others as she has been helped. As a third-generation survivor of trauma, she comes from a long line of crazy but strong women who have somehow succeeded in making lives that don’t completely suck.

I take drugs. I take a lot of drugs; four in the morning and six at night as prescribed by my psychiatrist. A few months ago, the anxiety was overwhelming and regardless of the therapy, meditation, yoga, hiking, kayaking, or anything else, I still woke up with crippling anxiety and went to sleep exhausted from battling it all day. So, after an emergency visit to the hospital, as certain thoughts were becoming too strong to fight, I finally added another pill. In retrospect, I know that I should have gotten help earlier, but my resistance to adding one more pill was too great.

I was fortunate because the medicine worked, and the anxiety lowered to manageable. For so many people, medications developed to treat symptoms simply don’t work. Estimates on effectiveness vary, but a recent McGill University published in ScienceDaily found that only 40% of patients responded to the first depression medication they were given. This number is supported by numerous other studies with the number ranging from 30-40%.  In other words, not all medications work on all people.

There is no magic pill for CPTSD and instead, we find ourselves managing its symptoms, such as anxiety and depression, while we simultaneously try to heal. I remember well when the CPTSD cat was let out of the bag where it was hidden in my mind.  I felt like I was constantly being triggered and then thrown into an anxiety and depression hole. I’d climb out then, “BAM”, right in the CPTSD plexes again and I was back in that damn hole. For several months, the earth beneath me was constantly moving. It felt like it would never end. I felt hopeless.

Then, one day, it stopped. I looked back on an incident that would have normally had me face down in a tub of double chocolate Ben and Jerry’s ice cream or making a meal of my fingernails and realized, I was ok. It was a strange feeling. I called my cousin and told her, “Guess what?” She was prepared for a litany of swear words or sobs in reaction to the latest trigger but instead, I said, “I’m fine.” Silence. Then peals of laughter.

As we all know, it doesn’t completely just stop. For me, healing has meant that the triggers are fewer and the depth of the reactions shallower. I’m no longer in a constant state of complete exhaustion because my brain is no longer stuck “on” looking for saber-toothed tigers who want to make a mental meal out of me. I’m no longer just getting through the days, waking with dread and terror. Instead, I sometimes even smile when I’m opening my eyes. Gasp!

So, if you’re looking forward to some future date when you will finally be healed, I suggest you look behind you into your recent past. I bet you’ll find examples already of how you’ve begun to change. Healing sneaks up on you, but this kitty is one you can pet without losing your arm. Purrrr.

References:

Science Daily. https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2020/04/200408113245.htm

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Belinda Pyle

Belinda lives on beautiful Vancouver Island where she fills her need for nature with hiking, horses, ocean, and any furry critters she can find. She is completing her post-grad certificate in Addictions and Mental Health Counselling and looks forward to helping others as she has been helped. As a third-generation survivor of trauma, she comes from a long line of crazy but strong women who have somehow succeeded in making lives that don’t completely suck.

Loving a trauma survivor may mean you also want to help them in many ways. You may want to help them heal, help them live an easier life, and help them be happy! This is natural and usually comes from a loving, kind, generous place.

While your help and support can begin in wonderfully positive ways — do you ever feel concerned that your help may not actually be helping? Are you afraid you may enable negative behaviors? Do you worry that providing help will make you feel resentful?

What if your loved one is managing their trauma history, fears, anxieties, depression, or shame by using substances or alcohol, food restriction, overexercising, cutting, or other self-harming behaviors? Does that change your desire or willingness to help?

When it comes to helping a trauma survivor, we are going to cover a lot of ideas here! The goal is for you to understand how to help in a way that is beneficial to your loved one and takes care of you, as well.

In this article, you’ll gain clarity on:

• Understanding the concept of helping as it relates to trauma survivors
• How you can notice when you are helping in a healthy way in a relationship, and when that helping becomes harmful
• How helping trauma survivors can turn into a situation of negatively (for you or them) enabling

So how do we help a trauma survivor in a healthy way?

First, let’s define a few important terms (with the help of Merriam-Webster):

• CARING: feeling or showing kindness towards others.
• COMPASSION: sympathetic consciousness of others’ distress, together with a desire to alleviate it. As Dr. Kristin Neff says: “First, to have compassion for others you must notice that they are suffering. If you ignore that homeless person on the street, you can’t feel compassion for how difficult his or her experience is. Second, compassion involves feeling moved by others’ suffering so that your heart responds to their pain (the word compassion literally means to ‘suffer with’). When this occurs, you feel warmth, caring, and the desire to help the suffering person in some way. Having compassion also means that you offer understanding and kindness to others when they fail or make mistakes, rather than judging them harshly. Finally, when you feel compassion for another (rather than mere pity), it means that you realize that suffering, failure, and imperfection are part of the shared human experience.”
• EMPATHY: the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experiences of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner.
• HELPING: giving assistance or support to (someone); providing (someone) with something that is useful or necessary in achieving an end.
• ENABLING: providing with means or opportunity; to make possible, practical, or easy.

All of these terms defined above have positive connotations. They all start from the same place — a place of goodness, generosity, support, and understanding. Yet sometimes, what starts as the desire to help — can turn into crossed boundaries, resentment, and what has been coined in the mental health world as (negatively) enabling.

So, when does enabling go from having a positive connotation to a negative one?

According to Wikipedia, there are two ways to view enabling:

Positive enabling: As a positive term, “enabling” is similar to empowerment, and describes patterns of interaction which allow individuals to develop and grow.

Negative enabling: In a negative sense, “enabling” can describe dysfunctional behavior approaches that are intended to help resolve a specific problem but in fact may perpetuate or exacerbate the problem.

We are likely all aware of the negative connotation of enabling. But if helping and enabling start with good intentions — where do they go wrong? Let’s explore the progression.

Examples of helping, enabling, and compassion: 

• If your child loses their job, and you decide to pay their cell phone bill while they are finding a new job.
• If your sibling is unable to pay their rent due to financial difficulties — and you decide to pay it for them.
• If your friend is having trouble caring for their child after school because they are ill, you do it.

These examples start with a hardship or difficult situation for your loved one. Because you love them, you have the desire to help. In an effort to HELP, you step in and do something they ideally would be doing for themselves.

So, when do helping and enabling become negative? How do you know it’s gone too far?

• You begin to feel resentment
• It’s extended a reasonable timeframe for you
• It negatively impacts your life
• You are helping so much that you have cushioned the recipient too much (what is too much?!) from the natural rewards or consequences of their actions
• You are attempting to control the situation or manage the outcome
• You are (unintentionally) making accommodations for a person’s harmful behaviors to self and others

Things to consider if the person you’re helping is a trauma survivor using something to manage their pain:

If you’re helping a person with no trauma history, or someone who has secure attachment, they are likely able to bounce back, and losing their job can be a minor setback that they can overcome fairly easily. Given their ability to regulate and hold hope in the world, it’s likely easier for you to set some parameters around your help. Here, your help will be likely easier for you to give and your loved one to receive.

Trauma survivors, however, have many more layers involved due to what happened to them. Trauma survivors usually lack hope that things will go their way and struggle to regulate their emotions. Trauma survivors are extremely resilient, although sometimes in a way that stirs their survival mechanisms (what they needed during active trauma) versus having healthy present-day coping skills and therefore, can even beget more trauma.

The trauma survivor you are helping may:

• be using a substance or other survival skill as a coping mechanism to attempt to manage their emotions or survive (such as food, drugs, alcohol, exercise, self-harm)

• have a changed nervous system from trauma, which has them operating from a place of fight, flight, or freeze

• be experiencing anxiety, depression, and isolation that is a response to the trauma

Because of these factors:

• Your help, enabling, may be keeping them alive! Without you, they may die from their addiction — for example, not having access to Narcan or clean needles.

• You may be enabling existing behaviors (such as drinking or using substances), enabling the increased severity of that behavior, or enabling the next behavior, which fuels addiction and causes everything else to get worse, too.

• This may be the first time this trauma survivor feels cared for. Trauma survivors long to be loved, and this help may feel like love — and they don’t want that ‘love’ to stop. They may do whatever they can for it to continue.

• Boundaries may be unfamiliar territory. You may feel like you are being taken advantage of, and it’s likely that the person ‘taking advantage’ does not have a clear understanding of what boundaries are because they were never taught.

Some tips on how to help in a healthy way…

While deciding to help:

1. Check-in with yourself: Why are you helping? Why are you really doing this? (If you are doing this because you feel guilty, because you want to feel needed, or because you have a desire for control, then you may need to address your own trauma history and how you will help yourself first.

2. Check-in with how it makes you feel to help. What do I notice on the inside, in my body, when I think about helping in this way? Pay attention to your comfort level, and to what amount of help feels good to you.

3. Set boundaries around what your help will look like. When you’re in a relationship with a trauma survivor, you may feel bad for them, and empathy, because of what they’ve gone through. You may then help in a way that pushes your financial or emotional comfort level. Do you know what your boundaries of comfort are? If you push through your own boundaries, it can leave you feeling resentful. It can also diminish their responsibility and shield them from consequences that are often necessary to help them grow and learn.

It’s essential to protect yourself, your loved one, and the relationship — and boundaries are the only way to do that. Boundaries take care of you, them, and your relationship.  So, if you are going to pay a bill, state up-front what you will pay — and then adhere to that boundary.

4. Gently challenge unhealthy behavior. Our job in loving a trauma survivor is to not only be a cheerleader but also to support and challenge. Showing love is sometimes about compassionately voicing the hard truths. “I see that you are drinking often. I want to support you. I cannot do (blank) until I know you are getting help for the trauma that happened to you so that you can find other ways to manage your pain.” 
5. See the reality of your help. Is your help actually helping? Looking at things objectively might mean having hard conversations and adjusting the scope of your help moving forward.
6. Try to address the root issue. Helping trauma survivors by paying their bills will not help them heal unresolved trauma or regulate their nervous system. If your help is not addressing the root cause of the trauma, then your ‘help’ may not actually help. Can you give the gift of therapy?  Will offering that kind of help, help you feel better about what you are doing?
7. Know that ultimately, this person is an adult who is responsible for themselves.

Enabling starts with a strong desire to help.

Helping and caring are normal and beautiful parts of a healthy relationship.

And to foster the healthiest relationship possible, boundaries are always necessary!

What about the other trauma survivor?

For this whole article, we’ve talked about the trauma survivor who’s receiving the help … what about the unidentified trauma survivor in this situation (you)? It is traumatic to watch someone you love struggle! You may deal with feelings of guilt or powerlessness. You will have to hold firm boundaries with someone you love, which can be incredibly difficult.

No matter what, watching your loved one suffer is traumatic. How are you caring for yourself?

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Robyn Brickel

Robyn is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with 20+ years of experience providing psychotherapy, as well as the founder and clinical director of a private practice, Brickel and Associates, LLC in Old Town, Alexandria, Virginia. She and her team bring a strengths-based, trauma-informed, systems approach to the treatment of individuals (adolescents and adults), couples and families. She specializes in trauma (including attachment trauma) and the use of dissociative mechanisms; such as: self-harm, eating disorders and addictions. She also approaches treatment of perinatal mental health from a trauma-informed lens.

Robyn also guides clients and clinicians who wish to better understand the impact of trauma on mental health and relationships. She has a wide range of post graduate trauma and addictions education and is trained in numerous relational models of practice, including Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT), the Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT), and Imago therapy. She is a trained Sensorimotor Psychotherapist and is a Certified EMDRIA therapist and Approved Consultant. Utilizing all of these tools, along with mindfulness and ego state work to provide the best care to her clients. She prides herself in always learning and expanding her knowledge on a daily basis about the intricacies of treating complex trauma and trauma’s impact on perinatal distress.

She frequently shares insights, resources and links to mental health news on Facebook and Twitter as well as in her blog at BrickelandAssociates.com

To contact Robyn directly:

Robyn@RobynBrickel.com

www.BrickelandAssociates.com

brickelandassociates.com/

Not everyone shares in this fussy, happy nostalgic feeling about the year 2022. For many of us living with Complex PTSD, 2022 was riddled with pain and triggers. Some days were truly awful but others were not so bad. I’m sure some days were even great. We survived another year and that in itself is worth raising a glass in a toast. We survived in the only way we know how – by being ourselves! You are so much stronger than you think. Even on the days when you think that you cannot fight to live another day, you are strong. There is a pull like gravity holding us together, tethering us to live like a boat safely tucked away in the harbor.

As 2023 begins, many of us do some soul-searching. Am I truly happy? What do I need to do to achieve my goals? Are there any changes I need to make? Am I happy with my career choice? Do I need to work on my health? A new year usually brings out those kinds of questions. It is the hottest topic of conversation as you return to work after the Christmas break. Most people can take extended time off work between Christmas and the New Year. A lot of companies choose to shut down non-essential operations and give staff a well-earned break. It is a time of year that we get together and celebrates with family and friends. We return to work rested and ready to be super-efficient!

Goal and Dreams

Some people like to make a New Year’s resolution before the new year begins. A resolution is something that can be made with the intention of working towards a goal or a dream to improve or change something. A way to look into your life and decide how to improve it. It is important for a survivor or for anyone to not just focus on what has been and gone but to look forward to the future. It is an exciting time because the year has only just started and I’m full of ideas on how to make 2023 a much better year than before.

What is your outlook in 2023? Have you made a New Year’s Resolution or a promise on what you want to happen in the coming months?

Improving Your Own Life 

A new year’s resolution is often about your own life. A lot of people I know choose to focus on their health after having overindulged in all the tempting food over the holidays. Some people like to exercise more or start a new exercise regime, maybe even sign up for some advanced classes. Whatever you choose to do, make sure that you do it for the right reasons and not because someone decided you should do it.

Remember you are your own person and you deserve to live your life the way you want to.

Not everyone is able to exercise for various reasons but there are many ways you can improve your life. Relaxation exercises, stretching and yoga are all ways to get in tune with our bodies. It is especially vital for someone who is living with Complex PTSD because we are naturally tense and wired. Find out what technique works for you and give it a shot! What have you got to lose?

Mindfulness is a hot topic in our society today. I thought initially that it was crazy stuff that only retired people did. How wrong was I? Mindfulness is for everyone. My friends decided to give it a try but I was not ready to jump on the bandwagon because my friends did. Their reactions to mindfulness changed some of them fundamentally in their outlook on life and so it sparked my interest. After looking into it and giving it a fair shake, I have changed my previous views. Mindfulness is all about how we as human beings fit in our bodies and in the complex world we live in without judging it. It is about becoming aware of what is already out there all around us and the opportunities missed. It is about reducing our stress in life and becoming more attuned to the now. Life is happening right now and you will miss 100% of it if you don’t try and grab it with both hands. It can be as simple as starting a journal and writing down a few simple statements about your day. Acknowledging the bad and the good and feeling grateful. It can be about recognizing your thoughts about people and experiences and taking a moment to pause…. It makes you stop and organize your thoughts and consider the big picture. Think about how you react to something and why you feel that way. If your mind is like mine and constantly churning ideas, mindfulness will help. There are lots of books and classes on mindfulness. Why don’t you give it a go? It’s a new year full of opportunities!

Helping Family or Loved Ones

Those around you who you care about the most may need your help in 2023. Choosing to help them is a great way to start the new year. Once they are where they need to be, they may even help you with something you struggle with. Taking time out to help others is really worthwhile and should never feel like a burden. I see it a bit as that film called “Pay it forward”. If you help others with a small thing, it eventually comes back to you.

As an example, at bedtime, I always take the time to read with my young kids. It makes them happy and settled down to sleep each night. If you don’t have kids, helping a friend make a coffee after an accident and staying to talk for a while can mean the world. It feels good too. Pay attention to others around you this year. A simple gesture of kindness really can make a difference.

Charity – Helping Others in Need

Some people decide to give more to charity. There are lots of ways to do this and doesn’t have to cost the world. Entering a half marathon and running for a cancer research charity is something I have done in the past. It felt great to have that focus to train for the race with friends and then the goal of raising money for a good cause. My kid’s school often gets the parents together to raise money. Embrace it and help whenever you can in whatever capacity you can. Charity doesn’t always mean money, quite often it is about giving your time and energy. I had so much fun helping at a homeless shelter serving food when my friend got sick. I’m always thinking of donating toys and clothes to people who have less.

Changing Your Attitude

Before I finish this post, I want to highlight the importance of your attitude to life and how you are with other people. If you are constantly feeling sad and depressed your outlook will also be that. Try, even when life is hard to smile more and think positively. Life is what you make of it and the world really is at the tip of your fingers. So what are you waiting for? Go out there with your head held high and grab life firmly with both hands. You do matter and this year is going to be great!

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Elizabeth Woods

For more about me: https://www.elizabethwoodsauthor.com

Elizabeth Woods grew up in a world of brutal sex offenders, murderers, and inconceivably neglectful adults. Elizabeth is passionate about spreading awareness of what it is like to survive after trauma. She is the author of several books and has written her memoir, telling her childhood story: The Sex-Offender’s Daughter: A True Story of Survival Against All Odds, available on Amazon Kindle and paperback.

Elizabeth is also the author of “Living with Complex PTSD” and the Cedar’s Port Fiction series: “Saving Joshua”, “Protecting Sarah”, “Guarding Noah” and “Bringing Back Faith,” and “Restoring Hope,” available here: https://www.amazon.com/stores/author/B0BCBZQN7L/allbooks?ingress=0&visitId=7e223b5b-1a29-45f0-ad9d-e9c8fdb59e9c&ref_=ap_rdr&ccs_id=931f96e2-c220-4765-acc8-cc99bb95e8bd

www.elizabethwoodsauthor.com/

This article shall focus on this type of trauma and a specialist in treating it, Anne Wright.

What is Complex Relational Trauma?

To treat complex trauma, you must first know what it is. Complex relational trauma, although not found in the current Diagnostic Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DMS), forms when a person experiences neglect, abuse, and severe maltreatment as a child.

Complex relational trauma is abuse carried out by primary relationships with parents, caregivers, guardians, or anyone who has power over the child. Complex trauma happens when the abuse is repeated and for an extended time. Sometimes complex relational trauma continues into adulthood through other relationships with abusers, such as the person’s intimate partner.

An unconscious need to repeat the unhealed trauma is at the center of unhealthy relationships in adulthood because they are conditioned to form them from childhood.

Signs and Symptoms of Complex Trauma

The wounds from childhood carry into adult relationships and function in the background of conditions such as major depression, anxiety, and personality disorders like borderline personality disorder.

The physical effects of complex trauma often manifest as migraines, hypervigilance, and stomach issues. Complex relational trauma has many symptoms associated with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

The other symptoms include:

• A sense of worthlessness
• Neediness
• Attention-seeking behavior
• A deep mistrust of others
• Social anxiety
• Social avoidance
• Anger
• Rage
• Deep sadness
• Flashbacks

Unfortunately, if a child is taught neglect, abandonment, and maltreatment are normal behaviors, they are more likely to have these patterns repeat in their lives.

The Ways Complex Relational Trauma Effects Adult Survivors

As you can imagine, complex trauma leaves deep marks on those who experience it. In adulthood, complex relational trauma manifests with some of the following signs and impacts.

• Difficulty forming and maintaining healthy relationships
• Avoiding intimacy
• Avoiding close relationships
• Feeling strongly that one should be completely self-sufficient
• Needing a relationship but also have an intense fear of abandonment
• Needing to be perfect
• Putting others first and neglecting one’s own needs
• Use dissociation as a go-to defense mechanism
• Lack of self-regulation and impulse control

Left untreated, complex relational trauma can lead to a substance abuse disorder, physical illness, the formation of mental illness, self-harm, and even suicide.

Treating Relational Trauma

Coping with relational trauma’s effects is difficult but can be done. First, you must recognize that what you have been experiencing all your life is the effects of relational trauma.

Three types of treatment go together that you can get for treating complex relational trauma, including talk therapy, medication, and adding things you can do for yourself to your life.

Psychotherapy. Various types of psychotherapy can help mend a person who has suffered relational trauma.

• Talk therapy. Talk therapy, also known as psychotherapy, helps address trauma of all types and the mental health conditions it causes. Talking to a therapist can help you understand relational trauma’s symptoms and how it has affected your life. A therapist can also help you understand yourself better and bring to light your behaviors, including your thought patterns, and increase your sense of self.
• Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). CBT is a form of psychotherapy treatment that is effective for many problems. CBT, according to research, helps improve functioning and improves the person’s quality of life. Some studies suggest it is as effective or more than other forms of treatment.
• Dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT). DBT is an evidence-based psychotherapy that research suggests can be useful in treating mood disorders and suicidal ideation. Dialectical means combining opposite ideas to change thought patterns.
• Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR). This therapy is a technique that involves moving one’s eyes a specific way while processing traumatic memories. EMDR helps to heal you from trauma or other distressing life experiences. It is vital that EMDR be used only in the presence of a therapist who is qualified to perform it, as it can bring to the surface strong emotions.

The CPTSD Foundation is pleased to promote an outstanding EMDR practitioner, Annie Wright, whom we will introduce in this piece and highlight in later posts.

Medication

Although there is no medication for treating complex relational trauma directly, meds can help with the mental health conditions that often form because of it. While medications aren’t always necessary, they can be beneficial.

Adding things to your treatment, you can do for yourself. Various self-care strategies can help you cope with complex relational trauma. The self-care strategies aren’t the same for everyone.

Self-care strategies might include:

• Eating regularly and getting enough good sleep to enhance your mood
• Finding healthy ways to unwind, such as exercise or meditation
• Identifying the triggers of your anxiety, trauma responses, and depression and finding ways to cope that work for you
• Use journaling or a creative hobby as emotional outlets
• Stay in contact with your loved ones, including intimate partners
• Attend a trauma-informed support group

Your therapist will most likely have items to add to this list.

An Introduction to Annie Wright

Annie Wright is a licensed psychotherapist who works with her clients to overcome relational trauma. Annie works differently than ordinary trauma workers as she helps those who have experienced isolation and single-incident trauma.

Coming from a relational trauma background, Annie Wright learned what she was experiencing had a name, and, in her thirties, finally understood how to overcome it. Nearing the age of forty, Annie is a trauma recovery specialist and a licensed psychotherapist helping adult children of abusive and neglectful parents overcome their pasts and create future lives for themselves.

Annie Wright is known for her signature relational trauma recovery trauma work. She also offers attachment-focused EMDR therapy as an added supplemental or stand-alone treatment.

Ms. Wright states on her website that EMDR is widely researched and based on neuroscience-informed integrative therapy discovered to treat distressing emotional symptoms. Using bilateral stimulation such as eye movements, alternating auditory sounds, or bilateral physical sensations, EMDR aids your brain’s natural impulse to metabolize negative memories and behavior patterns.

Ending Our Time Together

Complex relational trauma changes lives by creating an environment that mimics the maltreatment they suffered in childhood. Those who live with the effects of complex trauma often find themselves in destructive relationships or in none at all.

There are adequate treatments available that can alleviate the tragic symptoms of complex trauma. Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) can significantly aid in overcoming the side effects of complex trauma by aiding your brain in utilizing its natural propensity to choose better-thought patterns.

Annie Wright is a therapist who employs EMDR to treat her clients to change their lives. Our next post will discuss Annie Wright’s practice and add more information about EMDR.

“Trauma fractures comprehension as a pebble shatters a windshield. The wound at the site of impact spreads across the field of vision, obscuring reality, and challenging belief.” – Jane Leavy

“Trauma is a fact of life. It does not, however, have to be a life sentence.”

– Peter A. Levine

Are you a therapist who treats CPTSD? Please consider dropping us a line to add you to our growing list of providers. You would get aid in finding clients and helping someone find the peace they deserve. Go to the contact us page and send a note; our staff will respond quickly.

Shortly, CPTSD Foundation will have compiled a list of providers treating complex post-traumatic stress disorder. When it becomes available, we will put it on our website www.CPTSDFoundation.org.

Visit us and sign up for our weekly newsletter to help inform you about treatment options and much more for complex post-traumatic stress disorder.

The Healing Book Club

As of May 7th, 2022, the current book will be – “A Practical Guide to Complex PTSD: Compassionate Strategies to Begin Healing from Childhood Trauma.”

by Dr. Arielle Schwartz.

Here is an Excerpt –

Repetitive trauma during childhood can impact your emotional development, creating a ripple effect that carries into adulthood. Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD) is a physical and psychological response to these repeated traumatic events. A Practical Guide to Complex PTSD contains research-based strategies, tools, and support for individuals working to heal from their childhood trauma. You don’t have to be a prisoner of your past.

Learn the skills necessary to improve your physical and mental health with practical strategies taken from the most effective therapeutic methods, including cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT), eye movement desensitization, and reprocessing (EMDR), and somatic psychology. When appropriately addressed, the wounds of your past no longer need to interfere with your ability to live a meaningful and satisfying life.

This book includes the following:

• Understand C-PTSD—Get an in-depth explanation of complex PTSD, including its symptoms, its treatment through various therapies, and more.
• Address the symptoms—Discover evidence-based strategies for healing the symptoms of complex PTSD, like avoidance, depression, emotional dysregulation, and hopelessness.
• Real stories—Relate to others’ experiences with complex PTSD with multiple real-life examples in each chapter.

Start letting go of the pain from your past—A Practical Guide to Complex PTSD can help show you how.

If you or a loved one live in the despair and isolation of complex post-traumatic stress disorder, please come to us for help. CPTSD Foundation offers a wide range of services, including:

• Daily Calls
• The Healing Book Club
• Support Groups
• Our Blog
• The Trauma-Informed Newsletter
• Daily Encouragement Texts

All our services are reasonably priced, and some are even free. So, sign-up to gain more insight into how complex post-traumatic stress disorder is altering your life and how you can overcome it; we will be glad to help you. If you cannot afford to pay, go to www.cptsdfoundation.org/scholarship to apply for aid. We only wish to serve you.

Mindfulness, Prayer, and Meditation Circle

Meditation can be an integral part of healing from trauma. Our 9-week self-study video course helps you integrate this fantastic grounding, centering, and focus method. Join the Mindfulness, Prayer, and Meditation Circle today!

A new Trauma-Informed Yoga program is now available! Check out our information page about this highly requested new program! #yoga #traumainformed #cptsd #mentalhealth #recovery #wellness https://cptsdfoundation.org/traumainformedyoga/

 Do you have goals you need help reaching, or help define what goals suit you? Have you considered working with a #traumainformed coach? Learn about a new opportunity and a Free Discovery Call!

UK Support

Shirley Davis

My name is Shirley Davis and I am a freelance writer with over 40-years- experience writing short stories and poetry. Living as I do among the corn and bean fields of Illinois (USA), working from home using the Internet has become the best way to communicate with the world. My interests are wide and varied. I love any kind of science and read several research papers per week to satisfy my curiosity. I have earned an Associate Degree in Psychology and enjoy writing books on the subjects that most interest me.

www.learnaboutdid.com

The positives and pitfalls of cutting communication with a toxic parent. Written by the scapegoat child of a narcissistic parent.

So, you’ve decided to go “no contact” with a toxic parent. Congratulations! Maybe you’re exhausted from the angry messages, controlling behavior, and stalking. Maybe your own child is being subjected to the abuse you received. Whatever the reason, this is a pivotal moment where you stop accepting abuse and draw a healthy boundary to protect yourself.

WHAT IS “NO CONTACT”?

There are several techniques for dealing with toxic parents. You may cycle through all three. Each method is challenging and takes practice.

• Gray Rock — Still in contact with toxic parents, but interactions are impersonal. Hello/Goodbye, no details about your life. Neutral/bland.
• Low Contact — Rare contact with toxic parents. Maybe you interact, see or speak to them a few times per year.
• No Contact —No contact with your toxic parents. You don’t interact, see or speak to them at all. This could last for a year, or the rest of your life.

WHAT ARE TOXIC PARENTS?

Toxic parents aren’t parents. They’re abusers in parent clothing (technically, their behavior is toxic). They don’t love, guide, support or protect their children. They control, manipulate, intimidate and use their children for personal gain. Like cult leaders, they weave a complex pattern of lies and intimidation to manufacture a world in which they’re the hero or victim. In doing so, they build an army of defenders:

• ENABLERS’ inaction allows the abuse to continue. Co-parents often take this role “You shouldn’t have…you know that makes him angry.”
• FLYING MONKEYS do the abuser’s dirty work. They blame the victim or seek information to report back to the toxic parent.

Abuse from toxic parents can be so covert that it goes unnoticed. They isolate their children by convincing teachers, relatives, doctors, and even the co-parent, that their child is crazy, then gaslight their child into believing it too. This minimizes the threat of the abuse being reported.

The good news is, that their manipulative patterns and behaviors are the same as other toxic parents, so you can benefit from fellow abuse survivors’ experiences.

Not sure if you have a toxic parent? Click the link below for a fun way to tell:

Ready to go No Contact? Check out the tips below.

1. You Don’t Need to Explain Why. They Know Why. They Don’t Respect or Listen to You.

This is the number one thing I see people struggle with. You feel that you need to explain why, or at least inform them that you’re going no contact. How else will they understand?

My therapist reminded me that I’d spent a lifetime explaining and trying to get my parent to see me, to no avail. Eventually, I realized that I was teaching my bully how to bully me. The truth is, going no contact isn’t about your parents. It’s about you and your needs. They’ll never change, understand, or accept blame. They don’t believe that your needs are important. They only want to control you.

If you feel compelled to write a letter, write it. Organizing your thoughts on the page can be really helpful. Just DON’T SEND IT. You’ll end up waiting for a response, postponing your own healing.

2. No Contact Sets a Healthy Boundary. It’s NOT the Silent Treatment.

If your parents used silence as punishment, you may view it as something negative, something to fear. Silence isn’t good or bad. It’s how it’s used that makes the difference. Giving your child the silent treatment is emotional abandonment. It’s abuse, purposely inflicted to gain control over a child.

When you go no contact, you’re not looking to punish anyone. You are doing what your parents wouldn’t. You’re protecting yourself from further abuse.

3. Remove tracking from your devices. Block your toxic parents’ email, phone, and social media. CHANGE YOUR PASSWORDS.

Become your own superhero! Form a big protective bubble around you by blocking all digital forms of communication, removing tracking from your devices, and changing your passwords. As parents realize that they’re yelling into a void, they’ll adjust their tactics. They want the reaction, positive or negative.

• PARENTAL “WORRY” They may show up unexpectedly at your home or your job and feign concern for your well-being to a neighbor or co-worker.
• LOVE BOMBING Abusers try to lure back their targets by sending gifts and “I love you/miss you/I’m sorry” messages. Have they changed? No. Do they understand that they hurt you? Yes, and they don’t care. As soon as they have your attention back, they will be up to their old tricks.

Document these instances, date/time/location. Save voicemails, videos, and screenshots of texts in an evidence folder in case you need to file an order of protection.

4. Prepare simple statements for encountering enablers, flying monkeys, and your abuser.

People who didn’t experience narcissistic abuse, or toxic parenting have no frame of reference for just how bad it can be. You may find yourself doing a lot of unnecessary explaining. Some come with curiosity, some with judgment. Both can be triggering. Preparing simple statements, the way an official would prepare for a press conference can help get the point across and keep you focused on why you are in no contact.

The abuser may use enablers or flying monkeys to send messages and intimidation. This can be jarring. Your Aunt Sally may think she’s “saving the family” when really she’s part of the abuse. Setting boundaries is essential. Communicate what is and isn’t acceptable for you to have a relationship. Make the statement simple and easy to repeat. It may take a few times for them to understand. You may need to gray rock or go low or have no contact with those who continue to ignore your boundaries.

5. TRAUMA BOND confuses abuse for love-causing GUILT, SHAME, & LONGING. It’s chemical, NOT FAILURE.

Trauma Bond (a.k.a. Stockholm Syndrome) is one of the largest obstacles to drawing healthy boundaries in a toxic relationship. When abusers alternate between punishing then consoling a child, it creates an unhealthy attachment. Your fight or flight emergency response locks in the “on” position and you become addicted to the dopamine, cortisol, and adrenaline rush. If you’re struggling with going no contact, you’re not weak. You’re going through physical withdrawal.

Just like anyone who is chemically dependent, you experience mental and physical symptoms that are out of your control. These can feel torturous and come in the form of guilt and shame. You’re body tricks you into remembering the manufactured version of your parent, not the truth. “My parent bought me one of my favorite toys as a kid. They’re not so bad.” You forget that they held the cost of the toy over your head, hid it from you when they were mad, and then ultimately destroyed it in a rage.

Abusers only want you to remember the parts that make them look good. When you widen the lens and remember what became before and after, you realize why you feel hurt and confused. It may help to write a cheat sheet of the entire story for when the guilt and longing try to take over.

6. Threats aren’t facts. Be informed. Research your rights.

Toxic parents know what you will or won’t accept. They deftly play the line so that you’ll believe their lies. Threats of suing for “grandparents’ rights” or having you locked away may instill paralyzing fear. That’s the abuser’s plan, for you to be too afraid to leave them or even research the truth.

Abusers lie. Get the facts. Research credible sources online, and call law professionals. Some lawyers will give a free consultation. It never hurts to ask. It CAN hurt you if you DON’T know your rights.

Visit the CPTSD Foundation’s page linked below for a list of legal resources

Click here for Legal Resources

7. Adjust as you go. You’re figuring it out, not failing.

You may break no contact due to a birthday, respond to a love bomb, or give in to the guilt of trauma bond only to feel that you’ve been duped again. That’s ok. You just re-establish your boundaries. People often beat up on themselves for being foolish. You’ve been through enough. Be kind to yourself. Let go of perfection and allow yourself to make mistakes.

7. Get Support. Trauma-informed therapists & medication can make your transition more manageable.

“Anything that’s human is mentionable, and anything that is mentionable can be more manageable. When we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary. The people we trust with that important talk can help us know that we are not alone.”

Thanks, Mr. Rogers.

Going no contact is a big change. Children of toxic parents become so used to hiding, that it may be hard for you to reach out to trusted friends or family. DO IT ANYWAY. People may surprise you with stories of their own. There’s a natural grieving process and you’re going to need support.

• ASK THERAPISTS IF THEY ARE TRAUMA INFORMED Not every mental health professional is trauma informed. If they encourage you to try to continue a relationship with a toxic parent, they may not be the right fit. Would they encourage someone to return to a cult?
• MEDICATION There’s a stigma about medication. My therapist gave a great explanation. When you break your arm, you get something for the pain so that you don’t go into shock. Getting the right meds can take a few tries, but may ultimately soften the pain enough to allow you to function.
• TELL YOUR STORY You’ve been trained to protect the abuser, so you’re holding all sorts of trauma in your body. Find a release outlet such as writing or talking with a trusted friend. Don’t be ashamed of grief. Mr. Rogers believed
• SUPPORT GROUPS Online support groups have been immensely helpful. I see so much of my experience in what others share.

8. It Gets Better. Taking brave, positive action is HARD and WORTH IT.

Toxic parents groom their children into believing that any action they take for themselves is selfish. They only want you to do for them. That’s why this transition may feel unnatural, even wrong at first. BE SELFISH! Give yourself what you need. You may feel defensive, ashamed, or angry. Write out why you feel this way. What are your fears?

As you continue no contact, you may realize just how much of the abuse existed, and also, that it wasn’t your fault. You may find a new sense of peace from ordinary things, such as simply not having to worry about harassing messages. I call these “little freedoms.” Over time, you’ll reframe a lot of the abuse. People have described it as turning on a light. You see so much more.

Just go one step at a time, expect setbacks, lean into grief, and remember that YOU’RE WORTH IT!!!

Want to practice going no contact?

CLICK HERE to participate in “Going No Contact with Toxic Parents | Choose Your Own Adventure.”

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Jamie Donmoyer

Creative storyteller and recovering scapegoat of a narcissistic parent, working through Complex PTSD one post at a time

Practice breaking contact with toxic parents in this

“Choose Your Own Adventure”-style story.

Based on events experienced by the child of a narcissistic parent.

CONGRATULATIONS! After a lifetime of narcissistic abuse, you’ve decided to draw a healthy boundary by going “No Contact” with your parents. Of course, going “No Contact” feels anything but healthy because the fear they instilled in you from birth caused a TRAUMA BOND.

TRAUMA BOND (often referred to as Stockholm Syndrome). When your abuser is also the one who consoles you and provides your basic needs, a hormone develops that confuses abuse for love.

Section 13

Jamie Donmoyer

Creative storyteller and recovering scapegoat of a narcissistic parent, working through Complex PTSD one post at a time

Media in many instances, in the US, has a way of capturing news that grabs the attention of its viewers. The headlines must immediately grab you or the news story may not be worth watching, for some. In the 21^st century, the issues revolving around the border between Mexico and the US has been a difficult topic to discuss. Depending on many variables, your view on what the US should do at the border leads to certain conclusions. In the middle of this political storm, many humans are left without a voice and little protection for their well-being. I want to highlight a feature of the border issue in this blog. This feature has to do with the children of families that cross the Mexico-US border. What is their experience going through such a tumultuous experience like crossing this border? Who can imagine being a young boy or girl, not given an option to stay or go, and to have to risk their life to reach a destination in another country that is unknown to them? What type of trauma do children experience going through an event like this?

Jones-Mason and her colleagues (2021) focus on the attachment trauma that occurs for many children who cross the US-Mexico Border (USB) and are separated from their families. In 2018, the Attorney General of the US issued a memorandum declaring a “zero tolerance policy” under which all adults crossing the USB can be criminally prosecuted. Additionally, if these adults travel with their children, children can forcibly be separated from their caregivers. According to Jones-Mason et al., many instances occurred where parents who posed no danger to their children were also separated from each other. The ACLU reports that the government has acknowledged separating 1,556 children from July 1^st, 2017, to June 26^th, 2018; 207 of these children are under the age of five, five under one year of age, 26 a year of age, 40 two years of age, 76 three years of age and 60 four years of age. Tally of children split at borders tops 5,400 in a recent count.[1] The most current figures as of July 2019 indicates approximately 13, 200 unaccompanied children (children who arrive to the USB without a parent or caregiver) were being housed in more than 100 federal shelters around the country with some commentators expressing concern that stringent sponsor reunification requirements were delaying the release of the children. Children, at this young of an age, suffer a great deal in their attachment and brain development. The affects last a lifetime.

Deprivation (not having a safe caregiver nearby for a long period of time) and separation from parents/caregivers permanently damage the mental health of adolescents. Cognitive and biological development are severely impaired when children are separated from their families at an early age. From a different lens, the right hemisphere develops with many challenges. The child with right brain deficits, Professor Alan Schore tells us, creates difficulty for a child to identify emotional cues when she is under distress. This can lead to a child not being able to be soothed by a caregiver in the future because they have a difficulty identifying how and why they feel what they do.[2] John Bowlby-the Father of Attachment Theory-explains that deprivation can lead to issues with sleep, concentration, peers, tempter tantrums, and clinging behaviors.[3] When a child is separated from their family, the child(ren) may not understand the purpose of being removed. Bowlby suggests that a child may experience this separation as not feeling “wanted” by their caregivers. [4] Anxiety and depression have been seen in children who experience caregiver deprivation. We can all agree that children should not have to experience such traumatic events like this.

Biologically speaking, a child cannot control their emotions without the help of their caregiver. Bowlby outlines three main stages that a child experiences when they are separated from their caregiver: protest, despair, and eventually detachment.[5] Protest is often motivated by stranger anxiety, despair by grief and mourning over the loss of her attachment figure, and detachment serves as a defense measure due to being vulnerable because of a lack of an attachment figure. If a child feels like their attachment figure is emotionally available for her, the child is less likely to experience intense feelings stemming from chronic fear. However, a child that has not experience trauma due to their attachment issues will adapt a flexible emotional strategy in which she may communicate to parents directly and freely. This strategy is useful when a child needs to communicate her distress to a parent/caregiver. A child, to no fault of her own, may feel a feeling of rejection if the parent(s) is separated from her. As a result, this child may develop an avoidant attachment style that minimizes the importance of attachment relationship with her caregiver and ignore intense emotions.[6] The US can be a safe place to live in and many children suffer at the same time. Many children as we see never have the chance to trust another human to keep them safe and healthy.

Human and animal studies show that many regulatory processes are expected to develop within the context of the attachment relationship including the autonomic nervous system, the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal (HPA) stress response, and epigenetic and cellular response.[7] During a stress response, normal systems like these do not develop properly (I write about how stress impacts these systems in other blogs). If the stress response is left unchecked, long-term stress produces long-term damage. Parents/caregivers help a child learn how to “shut off” the stress response. Parent’s developed nervous system creates a “buffer” for the child to slowly decrease intense emotions caused by stress in a child. Thus, separating a parent from her child deprives a child of the physiological regulators that is created within the parent-child relationship. A child does not know that she needs her parents to this extent; she is left to defend herself without having the biological skills to do so yet when separated from her caregiver. In other words, a child needs her parent to survive beyond meeting her physical needs.

Early deprivation may lead to alterations to brain circuitry that supports emotional regulation.[8]As I mentioned earlier, many children who are separated at the USB are put into federal house shelters. This may contribute to children who are reared while deprived of basic early experiences that drive typical brain development. These adverse experiences, i.e., trauma, occur at a critical point in brain development and interfere with normal neurodevelopmental maturation in key areas of the brain.[9] Findings from animal work demonstrates that early adverse experiences like deprivation are associated with alterations in synaptogenesis, neuronal differentiation, and synaptic pruning, reward response and motivation. Findings from human neuroimaging studies show long-term alterations in neural pathways that support higher level emotional functioning in children. For example, children exposed to early-life neglect show negative changes to their limbic and fronto-striatal brain areas.[10] Lastly, developmental differences have been shown in myelination (healthy neurons in the brain) patterns and neural connectivity in pathways that support emotional regulation that may also make if difficult for children to control their emotions. Children need to protect whether they are natives of the US or not. Injustice is a concept that must be identified in a society that desires to maintain its existence.

To wrap up, a parent and her child have already experienced physiological, emotional, and psychological consequences due to earlier traumatic exposure. Families are fleeing to the border due to violent, war, poverty, or some other source of trauma that motivates a family to make a dangerous journey to the US. In fact, reports confirm that trauma from before and upon entering the US is common among children entering federal care facilities. Traumatic events like being kidnapped, rape and physical abuse. I recently had a discussion with a colleague who is also a clinician. She works at a counseling agency in Chicago, and she works with families who are seeking asylum who left their home country due to violence they experienced. My colleague shared with me that she recently started to work with a family whose daughter was almost raped by a person in their neighborhood in Mexico. My colleague shared her experience having to listen to this 8-year-old retell the story of what happened the night she was almost raped. The USB discussion is difficult to have, I know. I urge you all, however, to set aside your differences when it comes to the USB debate for a moment so that we can make space to listen to the stories of those who suffer greatly around us. We can agree, at least, that children do not deserve to live with these traumatic experiences their whole life.

[1] https://www.pbs.org/newshour/nation/ tally-of-children-split-at-border-tops-5400-in-new-count.

[2] Schore, A. N. (2003). Affect dysregulation & disorders of the self: Vol. 1. (Affect dysregulation & disorders of the self.) New York [etc.: Norton.

[3] Jones-Mason et al., 2021.

[4] Ibid

[5] Bowlby, J. (1973). Separation: Anxiety and anger. New York: Basic Books.

[6] Jones-Mason et al., 2021

[7] Beach et al., (2016). Exploring genetic moderators and epigenetic mediators of contextual and family effects: From Gene Environment to epigenetics. Development and Psychopathology, 28, 4, 1333-1346.

[8] Bick et al., (2017). Early deprivation, atypical brain development, and internalizing symptoms in late childhood. Neuroscience, 342, 140-153.

[9] Ibid

[10] Behen et al., (2009). Abnormal Fronto-striatal Connectivity in Children with Histories of Early Deprivation: A Diffusion Tensor Imaging Study. Brain Imaging and Behavior, 3, 3, 292-297.

Ramon Diaz

Ramon Diaz, Jr., PhD candidate: Developmental Neuropsychology, LPC, NCC, CCTS, CDBT, CADC
Clinical Complex Trauma Specialist (CCTS-1),
Certified Dialectical Behavioral Therapist (C-DBT),
Certified Alcohol & Drug Abuse Counseling (CADC)

License Number: 178.018904