“The Difficult Path of a Survivor: Is It a Life Sentence, or Can You Recover to Live a Happy Life Free of Pain?

Ten years ago, at the age of 50, I finally found the courage to confront my abusive childhood and begin the healing process.  My mother is a pedophile as were the many sick men she brought into our lives.  I was also physically and verbally abused.  The abuse I suffered had instilled a fear in me from a very young age.  Fear of the dark, fear of people, fear of my surroundings.  Fear of the unknown.  And that fear only grew the older I got.

By the time I left home to go to college, I didn’t realize it then, but I was in no way prepared to confront the big, scary world I was about to enter.  My abusive childhood had left me with no groundwork, no tools, so to speak, on how to live a productive and happy life.  When I look back at that 18-year-old I once was, I see a shell-shocked young woman suffering terribly as she continued to fight the many demons of her past. 

Although I wish I had been strong enough to face all that I had been through as a child at an earlier age, I was unable.  And for that reason, I have lived a very difficult life, one filled with chronic pain, substance abuse, depression, and anxiety.  It has not been easy.  I envy the survivors who are able to confront their past sooner than I did and begin healing. 

These past ten years I have spent healing have been eye-opening.  I have written a book about my childhood, and that has been eye-opening as well. 

For years I rarely thought about what I went through as a child because it brought me too much pain.  Once I started on my journey of healing, as the floodgates in my mind opened and the long-buried memories resurfaced, as I wrote, I often felt like I was reading somebody else’s story.  It’s shocking to me how much of my childhood I had buried.  WHO WAS I during those years?  How did I survive?  And, more importantly, how in the world could I have FORGOTTEN what happened?  I understand that my mind did its best to protect me.  Despite that bit of knowledge, the loss of memory continues to spook me.

These past ten years I have faced every demon that has haunted me throughout my life.  Neurofeedback, counseling, Ayahuasca, hypnosis, EMDR, self-help books, listening to podcasts, etc., I have left no stone unturned in my quest for healing. 

I have learned who I am, what makes me tick, and what led me to make the decisions I have made in life.  I overcame years of alcoholism.  I have learned how to calm my nervous system if I am being triggered.  I have learned how to be in the present moment.  I learned patience.  And probably one of the most important lessons I learned was self-compassion. 

As painful as these years have been, I can now look at them with gratitude.  I am single.  My children are adults.  All I have had at this time in my life is to focus on myself and heal.    

When I look back at the person I was ten years ago at the beginning of my journey and compare her to the person I am today, I don’t even recognize myself.  

I have often heard that healing is akin to being a moth in a cocoon.  As the healing progresses, that moth slowly starts turning into a butterfly until one day it pops out of the cocoon whole and complete. 

Well, that is how I feel about my healing.  I have literally become a different person.  I walk differently.  I talk differently.  I have a confidence about me that I have never experienced in my life.  The fear is gone.  THE FEAR IS GONE.   At first I thought I was just having “a good couple of days.”  But those “good couple of days” have turned into months.  The new me is here to stay.  How liberating.

I have no idea where the Universe is going to take me on this next part of my journey, but I know all this healing has definitely set me on the path for a life much happier, healed, and more carefree than I have ever lived.

Photo Credit: Unsplash

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