Your life has been a string of relationships where you crave closeness but veer away from it almost as quickly as you find it. You discover you can’t settle into a relationship with a partner because he/she either does not live up to your expectations or they are going out to spend time alone with your friends. Because your partner doesn’t include you in every aspect of his/her life, you fear rejection and cling to them; behavior that ultimately drives them away.
If the above paragraph describes you, then you may be someone who has an avoidant attachment style.
Last week we discovered the four different types of attachment styles: secure, avoidant, anxious and fearful. This week we are going to focus on avoidant attachment style and how having this kind of behavior can influence not only your life but those around you as well.
Please remember, even if you do recognize yourself in this article, there is hope.
What is the Definition of Avoidant Attachment?
Avoidant attachment is a way of thinking and behaving that is characterized by the need to protect oneself and stay away from relationships while craving to be in a long-term intimate relationship.
People exhibiting this relationship style are desperate to form what they consider to be the perfect relationship. They set up unrealistic and fantasy-driven expectations for their partners and have a deep emotional hunger.
Those living with avoidant attachment styles are looking for someone to not only rescue them but to complete them. They are seeking safety even though they no longer need someone else to meet this need as adults.
The Chaos That Ensues Because of Avoidant Attachment
These folks exhibit behaviors that show they are desperate and insecure. They lure a partner by looking like someone who desires a relationship with them, then take steps to push the new partner away. They refuse to become even a little bit reliant on their partners for emotional support. They choose to be jealous of their partner’s friendships and withhold their affection from their partners fearing rejection.
People who exhibit avoidant attachment behaviors feel unsure about their partner’s feelings towards them, and these emotions cause them to feel unsafe. They interpret any independent actions by their partners as the fulfillment of their fears that they are not really whom they appear.
This push and pull behavior strains any relationships an avoidant person may have and thus become a self-fulfilling prophecy when their partners give up and leave.
Bowlby, Ainsworth, and Attachment Theory
In a recap from last week, the four attachment styles identified by Mary Ainsworth, a psychologist working alongside John Bowlby, the founder of attachment theory. Bowlby’s attachment theory states that children are born biologically pre-programmed to form attachments to others to survive.
Bowlby proposed that the relationship between a very young child and the primary caretaker is responsible for how the child would shape future relationships, their ability to focus, their awareness of their feelings and their ability to calm themselves down.
A child’s attachment to their caretaker provided the platform on which children build resilience, the ability to rebound when bad things happen.
Mary Ainsworth did a series of tests using the Strange Situational Procedure to measure how children behaved under different forms of maternal rejection. Using this procedure, Ainsworth found the four attachment styles which are the topic of this series of articles.
Plausible Causes of the Avoidant Attachment Style
Through Mary Ainsworth’s research, it became apparent that adults learn their attachment style in infancy in reaction to the parenting style of the primary caregiver (For the sake of time and clarity the primary caregiver will be known as a mother from here out).
The results of the observations of mothers and their children found that parents of children who have developed an avoidant attachment style are emotionally unavailable to their child most of the time. The mother did not respond well or ignored their children when they came to them looking for attention. This lack of response from the mother was especially apparent if their child was ill or had fallen and caused themselves pain.
Parents of children with an avoidant attachment style also were observed discouraging their children from crying and expecting premature independence from their kids. This discouragement from crying and expecting children to behave above their abilities tells the child that their feelings and needs aren’t important.
The cognitive dissonance of this behavior from inattentive mothers causes is remarkable. The child learns early in life that to expect attentive interactions with their mother is to risk being rejected. So, these children learn not to cry outwardly for attention, and that if they wish to remain close to their mother, they must suppress their natural desire to seek out her comfort.
Unfortunately, children with an avoidant attachment style tend to become disconnected from their body’s needs and rely heavily on soothing themselves. This behavior tends to push the child towards having little desire to seek out others for help and support.
The Visible Effects of Avoidant Behavior in Infancy
A student of Ainsworth, Mary Main worked closely regarding the Strange Situational Procedure. One observation these researchers made was that children with avoidant attachment style did not show stress when their mother left nor did they show any emotion when the mother returned.
This puzzling behavior held the psychology world hostage for a time until Mary Main suggested a possible theory. She surmised that the obvious uncaring of the children to their mother’s absence and return was a conditional strategy learned in early infancy in response to maternal rejection.
Main suggested that this avoidance strategy served two needs.
One, it allows the child to keep a distance from the mother that is close enough for protection but far enough to avoid being verbally or physically punished (rejected).
Two, by organizing themselves into a coordinated avoidant behavior they directed attention away from what they could not get from mother, which is to be close to her. The child’s new behavior avoids the situation of being overwhelmed and distressed by the rejection of mom. They would instead turn to self-soothing, self-reliant behavior to feel like they are accepted and loved.
How Avoidant Type of Attachment Style Affects You Today
The first way this type of attachment influences your adult life is in how you feel about personal boundaries. People who have an avoidant attachment style value their space. To keep this space, they enforce boundaries about themselves and their partners.
These boundaries can be both physical and emotional as they may choose to sleep in a separate room or hide emotions from their partners.
Secondly, people with this attachment style also don’t disclose their deepest feelings to others and have a sense of strong emotional independence. They avoid sharing their inner world because to do so would bring them closer to their partners, something they try to avoid.
This attachment style also causes people to prefer casual over intimate sex because they don’t want to care about their partner’s feelings after sex and wish to maintain their freedom to leave the relationship.
A third-way avoidant attachment style affects us in adulthood is that avoidants treat their partners like people they are doing business with instead of as intimate lovers. They feel solely responsible for their own well-being and seldom discuss their emotions with their partners. They interpret their partner’s regular need to speak about how they are feeling emotionally as their partner being needy.
A fourth-way avoidant style influences adults is an avoidant’s deep-seated need to love as others do. This need creates a conundrum in the avoidant’s mind because they miss their partners when they are away but feel trapped when they return.
Don’t Despair; There is Hope!
If you found yourself reading your lifestyle in this article, don’t despair. There are ways to help yourself mitigate the damage done when you were a child.
Although we are going to offer these four tips, you may need to seek out a mental health professional to help. They can help you find your way through the maze of emotions that have held you captive since childhood.
There is an article in Psychology Today written by Dr. Hal Shorey that speaks about four ways to help you change your attachment style should you find that you did recognize yourself. Below is an explanation of what Dr. Shorey has to say about overcoming an avoidant attachment style.
One, Write down positive affirmations and read them out loud to yourself often. The positive affirmations you choose do not need to be long phrases; they can be short statements like “I am lovable” or “I am worthwhile, and I am enough.”
The reasoning behind reading positive statements to yourself is to replace the old comments that you believe about yourself that you learned in childhood. These negative tapes are playing in the background of your mind and continually reinforce the rejection you felt as a child. By reading these affirmations out loud, you are replacing old statements with new ones.
Two, learn to become your own cheering section. In infancy, when our attachment style was forming, people who have an avoidant style were criticized and rejected. Cheering yourself on and giving yourself pats on the back reinforces the fact that you do not deserve only negative criticism.
Positive self-talk reinforces the truth that you deserved good statements then, and that you deserve to positive, affirmative messages given you now.
Statements like “I can do this” and “I have what it takes” stated out loud to yourself will help give you a more optimistic outlook on who you are as an adult. Positive self-talk will also help you bond with someone else. This bonding happens because you feel better about who you are and that gives you scaffolding onto which you can build your knowledge of what others want as well.
The benefits will come even if you don’t agree or believe what you are saying in your positive self-talk at first. If you persist, you will find these new prophecies about yourself will begin to come true.
Three, use a mirror to connect with yourself. This part of the work to overcome avoidant attachment style is perhaps the hardest because for avoidants. However, the procedure is simple. All you need is a quiet room away from prying eyes, and a mirror.
Once you are in front of your image, begin the procedure by telling yourself how much you genuinely love you. You can also tell you that you believe in your ability to succeed in all you wish in life.
At first, you may find yourself wracked with giggles, but by continuing to tell yourself positive things while looking into your eyes, subtle changes will start to happen. Your behavior toward and expectations of others will change as you reinforce these positive messages.
The premise is simple. You did not receive the positive messages you needed from mom in infancy to allow you to feel safe and wanted. Your emotional health became compromised because your primary caregiver did not meet your needs.
Speaking to yourself while looking into your eyes saying, “I love you,” fulfills this long, unmet emotional need.
In effect, you become your mother offering yourself the emotional support you always needed.
Four, use visualization to work with your inner child. Typically, children form a secure attachment style by interacting with their caregivers who hold them and support them as they mature. These moments of intimacy between mother and child build up a reservoir of memories for the child, now an adult, to turn to when they are distressed in adulthood.
Those who exhibit avoidant attachment style did not receive the interactions they needed from the mother to build up their reservoir of memories. This lack of care leaves these avoidant adults seeking out partners and friends to comfort them when they feel anxious or otherwise distressed.
One way to mitigate the effects of childhood neglect of our emotional needs is to create memories now.
To build good memories, you need to get in touch with the little child that resides inside all humanity. Making good memories can mean physically going somewhere to enjoy entertaining your inner child such as a park, or visualizing yourself playing on a beach or in a meadow.
Make sure to introduce yourself to your inner child and listen to what he/she is trying to tell you about how they feel and what they want. Tell this small part of you that never grew up that you are the adult version of that child and thank them for helping you achieve what you have so far in life.
It is guaranteed, if you spend enough time with that little tyke that resides in your soul, you will grow to love them as though they were a child outside of yourself. When you do, you have witnessed a miracle. Instead of being the needy person desperate to find someone to fulfill you and then feeling trapped, you will discover that you love yourself and thus enough.
After all, that inner child is you. To love him/her is to enjoy who you were and are today.
Next week’s article will cover the attachment style called anxious/insecure.
It is the sincere hope of this author and the Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Foundation that you are enjoying these articles and learning from them.
My name is Shirley Davis and I am a freelance writer with over 40-years- experience writing short stories and poetry. Living as I do among the corn and bean fields of Illinois (USA), working from home using the Internet has become the best way to communicate with the world. My interests are wide and varied. I love any kind of science and read several research papers per week to satisfy my curiosity. I have earned an Associate Degree in Psychology and enjoy writing books on the subjects that most interest me.
Brilliant article Shriley. Just brilliant.
I was dating a girl that has virtually all the characteristics described in the article. She’s highly intelligent and a hard worker, so it’s extremely tragic, tragic, tragic to see her suffer and push me away against her (and our) will.
I ultimately left her when, after 6 continuous weeks of she promising to visit me AND me having just happened to come across the book ‘Attached’. Having an anxious attachment style, it made our relationship a disaster for me (and for her!). Ironically, the times we spent together was the best moments of my life…
I’m sorry you lost your relationship with her. I know, we (people impacted by CPTSD)can be and are very loving people but we have deep problems with connecting and staying connected to partners. I’m glad you enjoyed my article. Chin up, perhaps she’ll find help and get a life for herself with a life-partner. In the meantime, take good care of yourself and don’t give up on finding someone with whom you can spend your life. Shirley
I was seeing a person who pretty much fits the insecure avoidant even down to the affirmations that he had on Post-it notes all over his house including his mirror. He has so much going for him and we had a great time while it lasted, and I knew it had to be a catch, and the catch was he’s an avoidant. And what’s worse, is that I am an anxious. So when he gave me the boot after 3 months, it took another 6 months for me to get my head on straight. Such a disappointment because we did have a good time while it lasted.
AJW, you took twice as long to ‘get over’ your partner than the relationship lasted. Sounds like par for the course to me. Still getting my own head on straight after 10 months after a year of on-again-off-again relationship rollercoaster galore. Great time while it lasted? Same here. Just wouldn’t wish this type of relationship and attachment styles (I’m heavy Anxious) on anyone.
Good luck and all the best!
I use the phrase get my head on straight loosely. I’m not quite 100%.
I first met him a week before Thanksgiving last year so it’s pretty much like right around that time again. We started going out early December and he suggested we take a break in March. By break I think he meant no longer seeing each other although the implication at the time was we would reassess the relationship later but that never happened. And likely is not going to happen. I’ve reached out to him with an occasional email about some random issue like politics or something and he has responded but he’s never initiated any kind of communication or get together.
I’m sure it’s pretty much done and over. I’m just not happy that he didn’t allow any options in negotiation for the relationship.
Like I said, I thought he was a pretty good catch.
One thing to know is that he was previously married 10 years to somebody who turned out to become verbally abusive and unkind. I don’t think he quite got over that failure but I don’t know if that contributes to his avoidance or if the avoidant truly is something from birth.
I get the ‘head on straight’ part and think it’s a good metaphor. Afterwards I’ve tried numerous times to re-establish contact but it was necer the same.
I tell myself that if she, like in your case, was sucha good catch we would still together. Maybe that’s a bit maladaptive but it’s one way of coping.
Thank you for this fascinating and instructive article.
I’m confused because I have most of the traits of an avoidant attached person, but my childhood was nothing like the one described. If anything my mother was a typical anxious/ambivalent. She was alternately very loving and dependent on me for emotional support, then cold and volatile when she drank.
I assumed this must have created the “love is too chaotic, keep it at bay” mentality I seem to have, but now I’m reading about attachment styles and that doesn’t seem to be how it normally works? It sounds like I should have turned out clingy and lacking boundaries (like my Borderline sister), but instead I’m all walled up. Maybe it depends on other factors.
There are other factors at play as well such as birth order and your own personality. Thanks for your comment. Shirley
That description of your anxious attachment style having great affection for avoidant attachment is exactly where I am. She is an incredible woman and hyper-independent. They have the same feelings and emotions we do; they just process them very differently. We all want connection, love, and intimacy. But our attachment styles won’t allow us to go there in any deep, emotional way. It is unfortunate that two beautiful people will likely go through life never knowing deep romantic love, due to the way they were conditioned basically from birth. Not their fault.
Thanks, Shirley. I never even considered PTSD, but she was diagnosed with it after her previous breakup. She really is a caring, loving person as you said.
And when I think about it, my siblings (we are quadruplets) all seem to have a secure attachment style, while I have gone through 3 operations as an infant/toddler for hydrocephalus. I’m quite sure that caused my anxious attachment style since we were all raised in the same loving, caring, nurturing household.
Thank you for your encouragement and kind words.
Best
W
It sounds like you could very well have CPTSD as well. It isn’t only victims of violence who form it, other circumstances can cause it too. I’m not a therapist though so don’t take my word for it. You are very welcome. We are here to support you. Shirley
I definitely think I have some form of PTSD.
Thank you for your support, Shirley.
Hi Shirley, this article is great. Very well written and informative. It inspires me to start writing articles. Am wondering how you got started. Is there a way to email you or private message you? Can you give me some direction? Would appreciate it, immensely.
Thank you!
I started by beginning my blog on WordPress and began writing and posting. Then I shared what I had written on all my social media sites. It took time (3 years), but I gained a large worldwide following. You can check out my site at http://www.morgan6062.com. Thanks for your comment and compliment on my work. I appreciate that very much. Shirley
Thank you for your prompt response! I will consider blogging. I get the urge to write, but don’t do anything with it. Your blog has a good look to it as well. I appreciate you sharing the steps you took to become a writer.
You are welcome. Shirley
I appreciate the intent of this article but there are some inaccuracies in it. For example, Mary Ainsworth identified 3 attachment styles, the fourth category, Disorganized, was illuminated by researchers (Critteden et al) looking at attachment styles in very vulnerable populations with frightening or frightened caregivers. Also, the clinging you describe in the early paragraphs is more indicative of an anxious or ambivalent style rather then an avoidant one.
Ahh, thank you. I’m not an expert in any way shape or form so I missed those differences. Thank you for pointing these out to me. I’ll take them into consideration the next time I write on this topic. Shirley
This is really great stuff.
Thankyou
Thank you, I’m glad you enjoyed it! Shirley
I have suffered from an Avoidant Attachment Disorder all my life. I am now in my 50’s. Unlike many with this problem it spilled over into my sex life causing intimacy anxiety which resulted in severe sexual dysfunctions that made sex impossible. My 25 year marriage has been sexless from the beginning and although my wife and I went to a number of therapists none could help us, I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. It has made my life stressful, frustrating and extremely lonely.
You seem to be mixing up Dismissive Avoidant Attachment and Anxious Avoidant Attachment and it’s going to confuse people. As a Dismissive Avoidant for many years I have never worried about partners having their own lives, their own friends. You write “Because your partner doesn’t include you in every aspect of his/her life, you fear rejection and cling to them; behavior that ultimately drives them away” this is Dismissive Avoidant Attachment and it is one of a few descriptions where you lump both disorders together. Also no mention of the severe intimacy anxiety Dismissive Avoidants suffer from which is men especially causes sexual performance difficulties often causing their relationships/marriages to become sexless.
Thank you for the correction. Shirley
You want to see a big hot dysfunctional mess, place a Dismissive Avoidant Attachment and Anxious (Fearful) Avoidant Attachment together. We have a hard time trusting others and when the Dismissive Avoidant Attachment pulls away, we feel used and go into a “Mexican Standoff” (could be called a short no contact).
We pull away when we feel rejected and heii will freeze over before we will contact the Dismissive Avoidant Attachment (this seems ok for the Dismissive, as we turn cold and give them the space they need). After the Dismissive Avoidant de-escalates and sends a single word “hello” text, the hot and cold dance starts all over again. We crave emotional intimacy and will pull away from the Secure and Anxious Attachment Styles, but the Dismissive Avoidant Attachment usually beats us to the punch.
As Jim and Sam C stated Dismissive Avoidants suffer from severe intimacy anxiety and sexual performance difficulties and it seems to get worse with age. I first met my former partner 30 years ago and we dated for a couple of years. There is a kindness to him that is gone. Sexual performance was hit or miss with my partner. One night our inhibitions was down and emotional intimacy got into the room. The oxytocin was flowing and we both were basking in the afterglow (cuddling). I finally made a break through. No. I wouldn’t hear from him again for two weeks after that night. We continued to see each other, he could not stay in the bed with me after sex.
Anxious (Fearful) Avoidant Attachment can be drama queens and we will start arguments. He got a ear full and actually took it very well. He tried and I can’t fault him for that. He stayed in the bed with me the next two times, but reached for his cell phone and read articles while I laid next to him. Had I know about attachment styles, things might have turned out different, but the Anxious (Fearful) Avoidant Attachment in me took over and I turned down his last two invites. I told him I wasn’t interested in a steak, a quicky and watching him read. Low blow. That’s how a Anxious (Fearful) Avoidant Attachment sabotages a relationship. We are quick to speak out of anger.
I turned him down as a act of defiance, not because I didn’t want to see him, I just wanted him step up and be a little more active in the relationship. That was six months ago and I haven’t heard from him since and probably won’t. I miss him terribly, but simply can’t reach out for fear of rejection.
Hi. Have you considered going to a therapist? If you want to get better that is the only way that I can see for you. No, I’m not a professional. However, I have tons of lived experience and I understand where you are coming from. Just consider it. Shirley
I am fully aware of the cause and try to be mindful of others. I totally agree with JasonL’s statement “Attachment Disorders seem to run in families with anxious parents actually create avoidant children who in turn raise their children in a manner that creates another generation of people suffering from Attachment Disorders”.
The Anxious (Fearful) Avoidant Attachment is created out of “Fear”. That was my father. He never physically abused any of his children, but mentally he used fear to control or punish us. There was always a spanking waiting for the one who misbehaved, or the never ending tongue lashing.
The Anxious (Fearful) Avoidant Attachment may also have a level of low self esteem. That’s where the never ending tongue lashing comes in. We can do not right. At age 80, he still does it. The anxiety comes from a continuous attempt to make him proud of us, which he will never openly be. I had the chance to sit and speak with my father’s oldest brother (there was a 16 year difference). My father couldn’t hold a candle to my grandfather, who always had a leather strap ready and waiting in the barn and a kind word for no one. My father was a product of his father.
As for a therapist, yes, but the main goal was to modify my behavior for my son, so he wouldn’t carry the weight of my father’s family. I now stop and think before I speak, but from time to time I can hear my father in the words I speak. I’ve taught him how to deal with my father to prevent low self esteem and how to speak to him in a respectful manner when need be. I can’t practice it myself, I’ll always be that little girl who can’t get it right. It leads to long periods of time without seeing my father. His grandchildren have made him a better man. He’s not emotionally available to his children, but we all almost pass out when we hear my father tell one of his grandchildren that he loves them . . . something we never heard.
AS a man who has suffered throughout his life with Dismissive Avoidant Attachment Disorder which includes severe (subconscious) intimacy anxiety and the resulting sexual dysfunctions my romantic life including my marriage is a mess that the various therapists were not able treat these difficulties. Mainly, I suspect because they wanted to treat the sexual difficulties rather than their cause. Speaking of which all my research on this terrible malady has me not putting full blame om parenting styles but rather I have come to believe that anxiety plays a much larger role in a child’s reaction to both caregivers and life in general. I am not talking about anxiety created by circumstance (parental dismissiveness) I am talking about an inherited form of anxiety which, like depression, runs in families. Studies have show that children who are born anxious react to their surrounding by the psychological defense of being a dismisive Avoidant. This could also explain why these Attachment Disorders seem to run in families with anxious parents actually create avoidant children who in turn raise their children in a manner that creates another generation of people suffering from Attachment Disorders. I REMEMBER MY mother saying I was born fearful and frightened by life itself. “You cried a lot and demanded to be held more than other children. MY Inability to function sexually, my intimacy anxiety and my inability to carry on an intimate relationship with anybody from all the dozens of women I dated before marrying at 40 none of whom lasted more that a few weeks to my marriage which has been a sexual and emotional wasteland from the beginning. I have always been anxious in reaction to life events but the root of the anxiety is inborn and inherited. I see it in my parents and my own children. So I believe attachment anxiety is not just a child’s reaction to his or her surroundings.
Thank you for your comment. I find it fascinating what you are saying about the possibility of an inherited propensity for forming an attachment problem. I’m sorry you have had such a horrendous time finding and keeping an intimate partner and your inability to enjoy intimacy. I hope you are able to overcome this problem in the future. Shirley
Thank you but for me it’s really too late. I’m 67 and have suffered with this since I started dating as a teenager. I Just wish all those therapists we went to would consider this inborn anxiety which itself is a cause of the Dismissive Avoidant AD and perhaps treat people like me with psychotherapy not CBT. Like I said in my post above they tend to try to treat the physical sexual dysfunctions without ever asking about childhood or family of origin. In other words they treat “the scratch” and not “the itch”
I understand. I’m 60 and sometimes feel it is too late for me as well. Please, never give up. We care about you. Shirley
Avoidants can start to see their partner as the enemy. Innately they understand love to be dangerous, so they can slightly hate themselves for desiring it, but once they fully receive it they also start to have conflicting feelings for and hate elements of the person providing that love – because it starts to make them feel dependent themselves, and this is a dangerous feeling.
They resent people for being important to them. They then need to punish both themselves and the source for this feeling. Ultimately avoidants do crave more intimacy, but they will still punish and push away someone who provides it. Deactivating strategies will not operate so much if avoidants are not attached, or if someone is not providing visible love
– they push away the people who are most important to them.
This is an amazing article. My girlfriend committed suicide about 3 weeks ago now, and I’ve been scouring for answers. This article, which most accurately describes her attachment style, along with your article about anxious attachment style, which describes me, have been very insightful. I cannot thank you enough for these. The way they are written is full of understanding and compassion, and teaches the reader to have compassion for themselves. Just beautiful.
First, I’m so sorry for your loss. Our hearts go out to you and her family. Thank you for your sweet comment. It was truly appreciated. Shirley Davis
I grew up in an abusive home my father was a violent alcoholic and my mother suffered from anxiety. I found that when I started having sex as a teen I would suffer from severe sexual dysfunctions whenever a relationship with a woman would begin to get serious. I no sexual problems with one night stands, paid sex and masturbating alone. When I was single I would simply break off any relationship that would cause me to suffer from the inability to get an erection or ejaculate. Needless to say although I dated for 15 years before I married I never fell in love and never had a relationship that lasted more than a few weeks. My marriage is not only sexless and has been for decades it is also unconsummated. We have visited a number of therapists who tried treating the sexual dysfunctions without investigating the cause. Is there a certain kind of Therapist I should be seeing other than sex and marital therapists?
A trauma-informed therapist may help you resolve the underlying issues you are facing. I’m certainly not an expert, but that is my opinion. Shirley
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You are talking about Anxious Attachment not Avoidant Attachment.
Avoidant Attachment is exactly the opposite of how you are describing it in this article.
I know as Avoidant Attachment has caused my marriage to be sexless since the beginning because the Avoidant Attachment (the result of childhood abuse) causes severe intimacy anxiety which in turn shuts my body down sexually and I can’t perform.