As a child, I lived in dread that something would set my mother off and she’d fly into a violent rage, unleashing a torrent of physical abuse. There never was any reason for the abuse. There didn’t have to be. Something would invariably infuriate my mother.
I don’t know why my mother singled me out—why she only hit me and not my siblings.
Research shows there can be a link between parental mental illness and abuse. As noted by the National Scientific Council on the Developing Child, “Through reduced caregiving capacities, the co-occurrence of child neglect or abuse, and exposure to other sources of fear and stress, parental mental health conditions have direct consequences for the health and well-being of their children [children of parents with mental illness].” In my case, my mother was mentally ill.
Sometimes, abusive parents are indiscriminate in their violence, but sometimes not. Researchers say it’s not uncommon for an abusive parent to single out one child as the target of physical violence. This has been called: the “Cinderella Phenomenon.” Another term is “target-child selection.”
I never wore glass slippers, but I fit the definition of a Cinderella. In my case, it wasn’t an evil step-mother heaping abuse on me; it was my biological mother. And I wasn’t living in a fairy tale world. No fairy godmother was going to say “bibbidi-bobbidi-boo” and magically transform my life. No prince would whisk me away.
The rage my mother directed at me was inescapably real.
Why would a parent single out one child for abuse? Byron Egeland, an expert in child maltreatment at the Institute of Child Development, University of Minnesota, says, “Reasons for the abuse are highly varied, and there is no consistent pattern across maltreatment cases.”
Accumulated research shows the Cinderella Phenomenon often involves the redirection of anger that an abusive parent feels toward someone else—perhaps an absent spouse or former partner. The targeted child may remind the parent of a trauma he or she experienced, such as rape, or as Egeland noted, their own abuse. “The abuser is likely to have a history of abuse,” he says.
Sometimes, parents target a child for abuse because the child is hyperactive, has a disability, or displays personality traits the parent doesn’t like.
More likely than not, though, Egeland says, there is no logical explanation.
While all siblings in my family were subjected to psychological abuse, I was the only one who suffered physical abuse at the hands of my mother. I’ve often thought that my mother targeted her rage against me because I looked like her. I remember examining a picture of my mother when she was about eight. It was as if I was staring back at myself at the same age. But what disturbed her about the mirror image I will never know.
There have been many studies on the characteristics of abusive parents. Studies show they tend to have: low self-esteem, poor impulse control, low frustration tolerance, inappropriate expression of anger, impaired parenting skills, depression, and other mental health problems, and as mentioned previously, a history of being abused.
In my mother’s case, I could put a checkmark next to virtually all of these descriptors except the history of abuse. I know nothing about her childhood.
((This article is an excerpt from book, Crazy Was All I Ever Knew: The Impact of Maternal Mental Illness on Kids. You can find it on Amazon in both Kindle and paperback versions. You can reach me at www.Alicekenny.com). I have used a pseudonym to protect the privacy of family members.) Â
I am the author of Crazy Was All I Ever Knew: The Impact of Maternal Mental Illness on Kids. My book combines memoir with research. My credentials include contributing articles to a Philadelphia daily newspaper on psychological, medical, family, and career issues. I was also an editor at a daily newspaper in Atlantic City. I live near a small seaside town in New Jersey with my husband Jack and our rescue dog, Maxie.
I can relate to this article so much. I am 72 years old and my mother just died this year. This, of course, has led me to many memories of her and my childhood.
My mother got married at 16 years old and gave birth to me when she was 17. My father was an alcoholic but by far the better parent of the two. He was the only reason that I survived. My mother wanted me to be just like her, with her values, wants, and needs. I was not and rebelled a great deal verbally until she beat me into submission.
I had two brothers and they were spanked and even yelled at at times but their very existence was never threatened, as mine was.
After I had a child my mother became much more kind. Of course, by that time she was on an anti-depressant and coped better and my father had gotten sober. We still had our problems but I was out of the house and things were quite better. I have had lots of therapy including psycho-drama which was very helpful to me. Thank you.
Hi Charlotte,
Thanks for responding to this post and sharing more about your upbringing. You mention that after you had your child your mother was kinder and by that time she was on an anti-depressant. As the child of a mentally ill mother, I never received professional help nor did my mother. I consider this to be regrettable. I believe our lives could have been different if she and perhaps the family as a whole had received mental health services. My mother died when I was 58, and I found that I still had puzzle pieces to put together about the impact of childhood trauma. Without a doubt, each of us has to find his or her own path to healing.
As I start my healing journey –Maternal abuse is a recurring mental reel of me, 6-10 years old, hiding under the pool table and writing “I hate my mom. I hate my mom”. The next scene in my mind is my mom making me go to a giant dictionary stored under a computer desk and look up the word “RIP” because that was what I was…a meaningless, worthless, nothing of matter. My mother passed away in 2005. I have NEVER missed her a day since then. Her absence is my safety, and her memory is my son’s safety because I stopped the cycle of abuse. In fact, I overly try to be the “perfect”mother. In essence the notion of a mother has me at each spectrum, and articles like this help me stay grounded that the little girl hiding under the pool table is grown now, and does matter!! Sometimes mommys are ill…really emotionally sick. I am working to understand her. I am reading a book called “It Didn’t Start With You: How inherited family trauma shapes who we are and how to end the cycle” By M. Wolynn. It helps so much to know my mom was carrying her mother’s and grandmother’s trauma as well as her own. Now I carry it all, but I am and will work through this. why? Because she was WRONG! i do matter!
Hi Becca,
Thanks for responding to my post. You share your family’s history of intergenerational trauma. My mother died when I was 58. Up until then (5 years ago), I hadn’t considered the impact of intergenerational trauma in my life. At my mother’s funeral mass, a friend said, “I know what you went through with your mother, but can you imagine what your mother went through growing up?” My friend will never know how incredibly insightful her comment was. I hadn’t given my mother’s upbringing a lot of thought. But she had, no doubt, perpetuated a cycle of abuse with me and my siblings. You are so right– we (people who experienced childhood trauma) do matter and need to realize this.
“Sometimes, parents target a child for abuse because the child is hyperactive, has a disability, or displays personality traits the parent doesn’t like.”
My mother never physically abused me, but the neglect was so severe that even to this day, I can’t seem to escape. The damage is so deep. I spent my life wondering why people are mean to me, why I am ostracized, and why people make fun of me.
I was the unwanted child. I was the one who kept her in a bad marriage. I had a life-altering head trauma at birth, which led to physical and psychological problems associated with it. As a small child, I was hyperactive, hearing-impaired, and had trichotillomania. My mother just sighed every time I pulled my hair out.
I have endured lifelong insomnia and vertigo/dizziness. I also had extremely severe TMJD to the point where I couldn’t breathe because my spine (C1 and C2) was twisted at birth, yet no medical doctor will acknowledge the connection — to anything!
I don’t think my mother knows that she’s never liked me. It’s now clear how she favored my siblings and step-siblings over me. She even favors outsiders over me. She has no qualms stepping on me to be popular. I believe that, except for when I didn’t, I embarrassed her.
Three years ago, my mother delivered the last slap in the face. I am no contact with her and everyone in my entire family, plus anyone else who comes to her defense.
Hi Zanna,
Thanks for sharing your experience. The effects of maltreatment linger into adulthood for most people. You share that you have no contact with your mother and other family members. I know it must have been a difficult decision to sever ties. One therapist I spoke to noted that it’s wonderful when there can be true reconciliation and healing, but sometimes the best thing to do is “close the door.” For most people who experienced maltreatment as kids, setting limits is critical. Through most of my life, I vacillated between contact and no contact with my mother. I thought I was indecisive, but I’ve learned that this pattern of estrangement and reconnection is not uncommon. Some people work on forgiveness. It has been pointed out that forgiveness is not the same as excusing. Each of us has to find our individual paths for healing. I wish you peace.
I’m 34 years old and tonight I learned that my mother was abusive towards me and only me. I am the middle child and my parents divorced when I was 7. My father was a drug addict and I was not faithful to my mother, but I was daddy’s little girl. I tried to talk to my mom about my childhood recently because I’ve been up late at night recently thinking about my childhood and she denied ever beating me, I was shocked. Tonight she got drunk and told me that she treated me different because I was her favorite. I always thought she hated me growing up because she was cruel to me and never once said she loved me. I know that when she was 8 she was raped by a family member. I’m trying to make sense of all this now.
in 2005, the 12 steps of A.A. helped me break-the-cycle & become-free & live in peace with my Higher Power. by 2024, I have a habit of reading USCCBDailyReading, ACIMDailyLesson, DailyZen, DailyPlanetaryOVerview, AlanonTodaysHope, AADailyReflection. My Higher Power & I stand fora twelve-hour day & sleep through a twelve-hour night. I have always been a child of the light and now as an adult I stand in the light. Safe & Happy. Because My God Loves Me because I loved my God. I always knew God was with me, watching over me, and now I am one with My God. Mercy only comes from God. I survived and continue to live as one with God. John 17:3 says eternal life is knowing the one true only God and Jesus Christ whom He has sent. Amen. Thank You Jesus, Amen.
My mom always treated me differently. I was always the bad kid..I was talked down to and talked bad about among my other siblings. When I finally got the nerve to ask why was I treated differently. My mom turned everyone against me.calling me evil..liar.theif .and worst of all a murder because my son in law committed suicide. And they knew the guilt i had because I couldn’t save him…I’m broken đź’” and just wanted to heal.