What emotions would have driven a seven-year-old girl to do such a desperate thing? I have been thinking about this lately and in relating to Katie, I think I have begun to understand.
A child has very limited resources to draw from when they are experiencing severe neglect and abuse. The very people they should be able to count on to protect and nurture them have betrayed that responsibility, leaving them alone and trying desperately to find ways to cope. In this situation, I was confronted with a circumstance in which I could find no way out. The adults in my life, including the doctors who had begun treating me with Phenobarbital for depression since the age of five, and the teachers at my school, would not or could not hear my silent cries for help. I had behavior problems in school and was dissociating, but the Neurologists and teachers didn’t know what to think of these symptoms. The doctors assumed it was an organic brain disorder, and thus the pneumoencephalogram. I could not just come out and tell my doctors and teachers about the abuse and neglect I was experiencing due to threats and coercions given by the perpetrators.
Also, and it is important to state, I loved my abusers, as counter-intuitive as that seems.
So, that hot summer day in Tennessee, I found myself trapped. My body was too weak to even fantasize about escape and so I decided I wanted to die.
The emotions I have tapped into with Katie, what she was feeling at that moment, are intense.
Trapped. I have used this word before in this article, but the ramifications of what this feels like are horrendous. The only comparison I can give is what it must have felt like to be imprisoned in Auschwitz (in fact, my therapist once used this analogy). The people who survived relate stories of fighting any way they could to remain alive. They would steal, hide, lie, anything to keep going. Some relate feelings of being totally trapped because of the guns and other instruments of torture used by the Nazis. They talk of how they watched others give up and allow themselves to be killed or die. I had been fighting very hard for the seven years of my life, stealing, lying, hiding, but I suddenly found myself in a position where I was out of options. I was totally unable to escape.
Helplessness. There is no one more helpless than a child. Children are totally reliant on the adults in their lives for everything, especially their safety. In this situation, I was unable to run away because I was too ill. The knowledge that even if I had there would have been retaliation later, only amplified my feelings of helplessness. I could not refuse the pneumoencephalogram, I could not refuse the medications, I could not leave the hospital, and I could not get away from the abuse and neglect at home.
Loneliness. Perhaps the most horrendous emotion one can inflict on anyone, especially a child, is loneliness. I could tell no one what was happening to me. I had been warned over and over again by my abusers that to do so would bring about retribution in one or many forms, including their harming someone or something I loved. Perhaps the worse threat of all was that the people I told would not believe me and that I would be in trouble later with my abusers and gain nothing from it. It would be a total waste of time.
Grief. One thing I have been appalled to understand is that I didn’t feel grief over jumping from that window ledge. The grief I experienced was because I felt unloved, used, and unwanted. Can you imagine being seven and feeling those emotions? My god.
Why am I writing this article? I feel it is important for Mental Health Professionals to hear about these experiences with these childhood emotions. Whether you believe in Dissociative Identity Disorder or not does not matter. The realities of the emotional turmoil of a child who is being abused and/or neglected must not be ignored. Medications are not the total answer when it comes to treating children and adult survivors of these situations.
What is needed from you?
Kindness. Never look at a person who is reporting childhood trauma as someone just looking for attention. Perhaps they do need support, but that isn’t all that is going on in their minds. Survivors, like myself, have been told enough they would not be believed. Please don’t reinforce those statements.
Empathy. When a survivor begins to relate to you the horrendous emotions they lived through, it is important to show how it makes you feel. One of the best things my therapist did for me was to weep. She would sit and allow her emotions to show, and in this way, I was able to see that what I had experienced was something to weep over, and that someone else in the world cared. I can’t begin to relate just how moved I was by her tears, and how healing they were for me.
Validation. Telling a child or an adult survivor that you believe them is the most empowering thing a mental health professional can do. Just knowing that someone believed and urged me on toward healthy resolution of my past, gave me the power to help myself. It is a long and hard road for both professional and client, but dedication by both is essential. Validation helps cement the bond that makes a dedication to getting well happen.
Parenting. Although my therapist was not nor could ever be my parent, in many ways she became one. She did not encourage me to cling to her or to develop an unhealthy attachment to her, yet she did allow me to bond with her in a strong way. With this type of relationship, she could teach me the skills I needed to pull myself out of the prison that had been built for me by my abusers. One must be careful with this though, as it is obvious that too much parenting can lead a client to never want to leave therapy, and conversely for the therapist not to want to allow their client to mature. I thank my lucky stars every day that my therapist was not afraid to parent me. She gently and quietly allowed me to make my own mistakes, and never intruded on my private decisions. Yet, she was always there to give her thoughts on a matter when I asked for them.
The second reason I am writing this article is to say to other survivors and their Katie’s, that you are not alone. Many people have faced what you faced and are in recovery. There is hope. It takes a lot of hard work, time and patience but there will be an end to the turmoil you are feeling.
Last night I took Katie into my arms and told her I loved and believed her. I also promised that she would never have to make the horrible decision to destroy herself again. In doing so, I have come to terms with this part of my life. I am now at peace with that event.
You will heal too.
-Shirley Davis, Staff Writer – CPTSD Foundation
Matt is a Certified Life Coach and NLP Master Practitioner at BeyondYourPast.com, as well as a Podcast Host and Survivor Advocate. He specializes in helping clients overcome the debilitating anxiety that holds them back, and working with trauma survivors as they navigate daily life. As a trauma informed coach and survivor himself, he is keenly aware of the unique struggles that survivors must work through in order to heal.
In addition to his own coaching business, he also is the co-host of the Daily Recovery Support Calls on CPTSDfoundation.org, which offers trauma informed support, 7 days a week
Matt believes that we all have the power inside of us to take our life back from anxiety and overcome what’s been holding us back from being the person we truly want to be.
Thank you for this article!
Thank you for sharing this deeply personal and painful experience. Your ability to communicate the depth of emotional suffering and the depth and type of care needed for healing is much needed by individuals and professionals alike.
You are very welcome. I’m glad you enjoyed it. Shirley J. Davis
I can relate 🙏🌷
I appreciate you writing this and publishing your excruciatingly painful experience, this to benefit others. I just want you to know your resiliency is inspirational, and because of you, I know I can continue my healing journey, and I won’t give up. Blessings, my friend!!
I was adopted in infancy to a world of ritual abuse, medical experiments, and trafficking. I was locked into that world for 23 years with hundreds of people having the opportunity to notice and help.
I too have DID. It took 58 years to get the diagnosis. Mental health professionals who follow the crowd of disbelief do us so much harm. Many of us simply disappear by suicide. It is written off as mental illness, depression, and selfishness.
What we are looking for is to be believed, helped, and affirmed. I find the mental health system to be the most damaging.
To Angela: Thank you for maintaining yourself until and then finding the strength to repair the damage to you perpetrated by others when you were helpless. I hope you have a more satisfying and fulfilling life forward.
To Shirley: Thank you for your courageous journey and sharing it with vulnerability.
I have yet to discover my supporting apparatus to a more stable and robust self, but your sharings indicate it might be possible.
Thank you for your vulnerability and courage to publish this.
My experience was one of a chronic desire to run away. I remember packing a bag and making a plan as young as 4 years old. I can relate to the deep loneliness and feelings of being trapped and helpless. I wanted to escape but couldn’t. Through trauma bonding and fear that I’d just be sent back home, I was unable to leave until I was 18, but I was always ready to go. In my marriage, this pattern has continued, and although I should have left the first time I wanted to/had good reason to, I find myself after 29 years of dissociation and denial finally gaining the strength to leave. Still haven’t yet though. I’m close.
At sixty five years old I still suffer from the effects of a – what I call, “quiet abuse that lasted fourteen years.”
The perpetrator was a second cousin, only about a year older than me. A bully to the core.
I can’t go any further….this hurts too damn much and no one in my family believes me and write me off as crazy.
My hope is that when I die, I’ll be buried and or creamated before they know I’m gone… I’d hate to cause them to display their hypocrisy by showing up to fawn loss and heartache because of my death.
Thank you so much! Your vulnerability really helped me today as I’m really struggling with childhood abuse and my own chronic sense of unsafety and isolation. Thank you for offering what is really needed for healing in my eyes, the empathy, care, emotional reciprocity, validation and believing of the depth of the pain, ah so nice to hear. I haven’t found my support system yet(and my family are my abusers and they all deny what really happened) but my therapist and other supporters shall follow the guidelines you spoke of here! Thank you again!
Wow Shirley a very horrifying and a raw piece of writing.
I can relate in so much of your story. I remember wanting to die at the age of 10, seriously it’s so daunting and scary to look at my 11yr old son and crazy to think all I wanted was to die.
Chronic loneliness consumes me, no matter how many loved ones I have around me.
I’m an Adult survivor of 25years of Child sexual and emotional abuse. I have many Dissociative tendencies with many other mental health disorders.
Thankyou for sharing
#victimsstandtogether
“It takes a lot of hard work, time and patience.” Not as encouraging to this 70-year-old as you may like to think.
I’ve just come across this article. Thank you for writing it. It must have been really hard. In a lot of ways, reading your words was like looking into a mirror of my own childhood. I was this child for years. Trapped in a horrific environment without any support from anyone. I was lonely and scared and those feelings are with me even now 30 years later. I am healing but some feelings take a very long time to “re-wire”.