Often, those with CPTSD were raised in homes with some kind of abuse, neglect, or other form of trauma. Unfortunately, this makes us primed up to get into similarly abusive situations as adults. Our nervous systems are already wired to respond to the up-down cycle of intermittent reinforcement that is so characteristic of toxic and abusive relationships.
When we get into these relationships, we often find ourselves deep in the clutches of a trauma bond with the toxic individual who is causing us so much pain. We can logically know that this person is not good for us and even make plans to leave, but some powerful force seems to keep pulling us back to them time and time again.
So, what is a trauma bond, why is it so powerful, and how can we start to break it?
The term “trauma bond,” was coined by Patrick Carnes, who developed the term to describe how the “misuse of fear, excitement, and sexual feelings,” can be used to trap or entangle another person. Put more simply, trauma bonds occur when we go through periods of intense love and excitement with a person followed by periods of abuse, neglect, and mistreatment. The cycle of being devalued and then rewarded over and over, works overtime to create a strong chemical and hormonal bond between a victim and his or her abuser. This is why victims of abuse often describe feeling more deeply bonded to their abuser than they do to people who actually consistently treat them well.
Anyone who is in an abusive relationship can become trauma bonded to their abuser, but people who experienced traumatic relationships as children may be more prone to these types of bonds. After all, we already experienced these types of relationships with our parents or other caregivers, so our nervous system is already primed up to fall into the cycle.
Signs You are in a Trauma-Bond
So, how can you tell if you are trapped in a trauma bond? Here are a few of the warning signs:
You want to leave someone, but you simply cannot bring yourself to cut them out of your life.
This is one of the biggest warning signs that you are in a trauma bond. You may find yourself deciding to leave your abuser, but then feeling a drawback to them that is so powerful that you lose your resolve. You may not even enjoy their company any longer, but when you are away from them, you feel a sense of primal panic. This feeling is so strong that you cannot focus on anything else other than reconnecting with the toxic person. When victims don’t understand trauma-bonding, they often mistake these powerful feelings of attachment for love. But these feelings are not love. They are symptoms of the trauma bond and likely of attachment trauma going back to childhood.
You’re in a relationship that you would never want any of your loved ones to be in.
If you’re in a relationship that you would never want to see your sibling, child, friend, or other loved one in, that is a red flag that you are in an abusive relationship and are likely trauma bonded to your abuser. The strength of the trauma bond keeps us in situations that we would immediately see as toxic if someone else was in them. But we convince ourselves that the strength of our feelings for our abusers makes our situation somehow different. We tell ourselves that others just don’t understand the strength of the bond that we have with the toxic person.
The person has some characteristics that remind you of a toxic parent or another caregiver.
Most people in abusive relationships are in a relationship that mirrors some sort of toxic pattern they had with a parent or other caregiver. If we suffer from attachment trauma as children, we will generally date people who trigger the same attachment trauma in us as adults, because we are trying to heal our past wounds. We subconsciously decide that if we can make it work with this person who reminds us so much of our toxic parent, that we can finally heal our trauma around our relationship with that parent. If you find yourself in a deep and toxic bond with someone, think about how your relationship might be mimicking one you had with a toxic parent or caregiver.
You find yourself trying to get back to the past.
Most abusive relationships start with the abuser love-bombing their victim. The abuser will figure out the victim’s vulnerabilities and weaknesses, and then make him or her feel safe, beautiful, seen, or whatever other feeling the victim is craving. However, once the love-bombing phase ends, the abuser will begin to devalue their victim, and the episodes of abuse will start. The victim then works harder and harder to please the abuser, often to the point of utter physical, emotional, and mental exhaustion. The victim becomes consumed with getting back the “wonderful” person they met by any means necessary. If you find yourself jumping through hoops to try to get back to the way things were at the beginning of your relationship, you may be in a trauma bond.
You’re justifying behavior that you know is wrong.
If you find yourself justifying behavior that you know for a fact is wrong or abusive, you are likely in a trauma bond. For example, your partner may rage at you and call you names, but you explain it away to yourself by thinking: He/she just had a bad childhood. That’s why they can’t help raging at me. In extreme cases, this sort of justifying can lead people to stay in physically abusive relationships that endanger their lives. If you find yourself justifying unacceptable behavior because of your strong feelings for a person, this is a huge warning sign that you are in a toxic relationship and are likely trauma-bonded.
Breaking the Trauma-Bond.
So, what can you do if you suspect that you’re trauma-bonded to someone who is abusive or toxic? Here are a few steps to get you started on the path to breaking the bond and healing yourself.
Educate yourself.
The more you understand trauma-bonding and abusive relationships, the more you will be able to see your toxic relationship clearly. Educate yourself as much as you can on the topic.
Get a therapist.
Getting a therapist who understands abuse, trauma-bonding, attachment trauma, etc. can be extremely helpful as you pull away from an abusive relationship and focus on healing. A good therapist will not only help you leave the toxic relationship, he or she will also help you understand and heal the original traumas that made you vulnerable to an abuser in the first place.
Go no contact.
Going no contact is one of the quickest ways to help break a trauma bond. When you cut off your abuser entirely, you end the up-down cycle that created the trauma bond in the first place. At first, going no-contact can feel incredibly difficult, as your body is dealing with the drop of hormones associated with that person. But after a few months of no-contact, you will likely find yourself starting to feel more stable and calm. If you cannot go completely no-contact because of children, shared property, etc, you can go minimal contact.
Focus on healthy bonds.
If you suffer from attachment trauma, you may have a long history of unstable relationships. In order to learn to attach in a healthy way, you need to focus on creating safe and healthy bonds with others. This can be anything from seeing a therapist regularly to attending a support group for survivors to joining a religious community, to making healthy friendships, etc. If you are having a hard time relating to others after a traumatic relationship, you can start small by going to therapy, getting a pet, volunteering, or some other activity that creates a connection in a low-pressure environment.
Challenge yourself to do new things.
When you are breaking a trauma bond, you are fighting obsessive thoughts about your abuser. A great way to help yourself break out of this pattern is to start doing new things. Take a class, go on a trip, join a meetup group, or do anything else that interests you. This will help you build self-confidence, help your brain create new neural pathways, and help you stop obsessing about your abuser while your body and mind are detoxing from the relationship.
Take a break from dating.
While you may feel debilitating loneliness after leaving a toxic relationship, it is not a good idea to jump back into dating. You will be in a more vulnerable state while you are healing and are likely to attract another abuser. Don’t start downloading dating apps, but do start doing things to make you feel more connected to others. Go and volunteer, take a class, go out with friends, or anything else that creates a feeling of safe connection. Save the dating for when you are feeling strong and healed.
Breaking a trauma bond can be one of the most difficult things you ever do. However, the freedom on the other side is worth it. Use this time of healing to delve into and heal your childhood wounds. Healing yourself is the best protection against falling into another abusive relationship in the future.
This content was created and written by a guest blog contributor. Views expressed in any guest blog contributor post may not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation.
Hannah Leigh is a writer living in Denver, CO. She runs Life After Toxic Relationships, a resource for people dealing with abusive relationships, trauma, and CPTSD.
You can find her on YouTube at: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCmhtWwP0EvIMad3UL6nSLLA
Could a trauma bond be formed in a parent – child relationship?
Yes.
I have a trauma bond with my sons biological father. I never see him but I constantly check the jail sites for him. How can I break this habit?
honestly I feel for you and I don’t mean this rude disrespectfully get hobbies, Go to your hobby instead .,,,, ☺☺💜
I have one of these trauma bonds with my 19yo daughter. Even though she has been backstabbing, betraying, lying, untrusting, I am in a trauma bond. Now I am receiving Silent treatment from her. I have stopped chasing.
Hell yes! I don’t know why these sites recommend therapy… my God, that’s like saying “Go find another person to abuse you”. Most therapists are simply grifters.. there to profit from your vulnerability. And a LOT of them are narcissists. Really, what better role for a narcissist? I’ve been no contact for ten years and I do my own self-reflection, education and healing. You DO NOT need to pay some grifter for “help”. There’s no such thing! If you “need help” the assumption is that you’re broken. You are NOT broken. The narcissist is. Just leave and go find yourself. And don’t put your faith in grifters. Don’t spend your money.. Heal yourself. You have that power and God WILL show you the way. Never walk a path that is someone else’s. They don’t know your story.. only you do. Forget therapy. Heal yourself. Whatever it takes.
Absolutely. It can form between anyone actually. Shirley J. Davis
After your healed or think u are… it still effects the next relationship. Alot of different parts of my life and it’s been 2 years of me. What do I do?
I’m in a relationship were at the start he was constantly breaking up with me then taking me back. Even the thought now of him leaving sends me into complete panic my heart races I just think of all the other times I thought I was never going to see him again. I’m at a loss even when he does things that make me so so upset all I crave to make me feel better is love from him nothing fills that void. I’m so unsettled and feel hopeless the thought of leaving him is far worse than being without.
Lu, Understand everything you are Feeling. “the Thought of leaving him is far worse than being without” Is exactly what I have experienced in my 40 year marriage. The thought of leaving him is accompanied by gut wrenching nauseating Debilitating Bone deep pain that leaves you paralyzed. I made excuses for his behavior because I loved him so I still do. I left 6 months ago, I’ve been to 3 therapists. I realize now I have A trauma bond. I feel like I’m dying some days.. can’t bear to get up & face life… but if I was able to withstand the emotional abuse for so long I have to believe in myself that I will survive this healing process. Please don’t wait another week , another day, get out NOW. I have adult children That Were exposed to the emotional abuse. I have a lot of guilt over it. Now I have grandchildren, the cycle must end. Lu, don’t Wait any longer, get out now. He will not change. YOU CANNOT CHANGE HIM or help him. I’m 60 And broken… I still can’t go “no contact” , working on minimal contact. It’s the most difficult thing I’ve done. I’ve little confidence & self esteem but I have faith I will recover from this. Others don’t understand why we stay in an abusive relationship … unless you’ve lived through it you don’t understand. I normally would not comment and put myself out there like this but my heart breaks for you because you have a chance to break away NOW. You can do this. God bless you.
You are a strong beautiful woman. Keep fighting the good fight. Once you become aware you cannot become unaware. It will take time, but you’ve got this!! <3
Wow, I almost thought that I wrote the comment above, especially since we have the same name, Diane #1.
C, the fact that you keep going — even when you feel like the obstacle infront of you is impossible — is a sign of deep self-respect. It may not feel like it now, but perhaps someday in the future you will look back at your past self and thank her for saving you, for protecting you.
Remember that self-confidence is not only liking what you see in the mirror, but also making a decision and standing by yourself. Being your own cheerleader, even when nothing feels right.
Be loving towards yourself and just try to keep taking one tiny step forward at a time. You’ve got this.
Hello, I understand the trauma bond as I was in that type of relationship. I had question myself why I stayed. Educating myself about it has help me a lot to understand that it is wrong. In addition, I read all the stories on this site. Then, I utilized the knowledge I obtained to stop myself from going back. Read, read and read. Then, ask yourself what it is you want for your future. It is not easy and at the beginning it does not make any sense. However, after while you are able to see and appreciate all the beauty God placed in this world for us. God bless you all.
Wow, that’s a strong woman keep the fight going and stay strong
If you have MMD and PTSD/MST, the depression disorder really has a seemingly deeply erodible ability to debase all emotion that might alleviate someone’s symptom’s, accept that MMD takes actions ands nothing is good enough to break the depression. I heard Lucid Dreaming was a practice that has had some effect.
I’ve been through it too, first with my husband and then a rebound. It’s gut wrenching chard to break away. You have to see it for what it is and keep educating yourself. Educate yourself about codependency and narcissism. You need to heal your own childhood wounds. I recommend watching YouTube videos by Lisa Romano and signing up for her life coaching program. Best of luck. Keep reminding yourself, it has nothing to do with you and he will never change.
So do you feel as though a trauma bond can’t be healed within a relationship? As the abuser in the relationship I’ve changed. I was a emotional verbal abuser and cheated in the past. My upbringing has a lot to do with it. I started Opening up more with communication. Thru therapy and Church. I’m not saying I’m perfect. I have made pretty big in my thought and how to process them. And further communicate.
Wow-I have a similar story!
I don’t know how to break free of my trauma bond. I always end up back in the arms of my abuser. At first I feel such a weight has been lifted, I feel safe even, happy, like I dont ever want it to end until it does and we won’t see each other or talk for a few days then I get to missing him and try to contact him and I’m right back to the beginning.
WOW! You just wrote the carbon copy of my life! I, like you, have been in a trauma bonded marriage for 40 years. my children grew up in the emotional abuse…it sickens me so much! I want out and am trying hard to find a way…I see a therapist every 2 weeks and she’s amazing! I wish I were stronger!
Thanks for having me, it’s been the most confusing and painful time of my life. So ofc the person I trusted most chose to show her true colors at my weakest. I had a parent dying, I was losing my mind with work stress selling ppe during covid.. then she maliciously broke every promise, not just the ones she wrote for me in calligraphy that I kept on my dresser and wept at the tought of whenever I had a long day and missed her..
She left woth a note after years and convincing me we were soul mates.. our story was so perfect.. I adored the person she presented to be.. it can’t all be fake right? I even liked some of her annoying habits.. I knew she had issues going in but never imagined all of this. She ruined my career! I made 6 figures and was in line to make a hell of a lot more… she ruined my self confidence, my relationship with family members… she labeled me her abuser after 6 months of the silent treatment for saving pictures to a shared album I owned. People like her are so privileged and out of touch they have no idea or don’t care that other people have to earn things for themselves and don’t deserve to have their future stolen because she can’t face her past… why do people like that try to love at all? Do they really or is it all a setup from the start?
Kim, just reading your email now. Sounds like you are dealing with narcissism, a personality disorder for which there is no cure.
These people have no heart, no soul. Medical imaging shows the love part of the brain of these people did not develop in childhood due to an abusive parent, usually mother.
They cannot not feel love, never.
I feel they pay everyone back for the lack of love they didn’t receive in childhood.
Their goal is to destroy you. They are fake, never loved anyone, not even themselves.
You need to educate yourself on narcissism, get a good therapist. I also do homeopathy which helps with the emotional trauma.
I, too, understand what you are feeling, Lu. It scared me to even consider that God seemed to be leading me out of my 40 marriage vs. having me stay. I did not want to leave and thought I would die if I did!! I even thought I had to not be hearing God correctly.
I am now 4 months officially divorced, looking back with magnified amazement God gave me the strength and courage to let my husband go. I actively let my husband go, telling him, “I have to let you go. If you do not initiate the dissolution, I will.” And I did on Nov. 4, 2022. I was a scared little girl, on a ledge and peeking over, my flashlight not working as my terror, outright terror, was overwhelming me.
God brought me through these past 14 months, one baby step at a time. One terrifying night at a time. I sooo longed for contact, hopping he would reach out. I was an addict, needing a fix, even a destroying fix.
God will do the same for you, Lu. That is His promise. And, He does not lie. Even if you do not know or believe in God, He knows you.
💜They use a blueprint okay and it’s almost identical so before he even met you, he already knew that the next woman ,he’s gonna break up with, all the time it puts Their mind in the panic, but before that you know you’re great you’re wonderful you smell great will compared to USX and how wonderful you are and then you won’t even do anything wrong really and then they’ll start saying out god you know like I can’t deal with you no more love la blah when I guess I’ll take you back and then your self esteem is gone I’m telling you run are you freaking inyou in a panic …….not that he feels a void it’s that with him you have avoid your brain has been stung with numbing solution hypothetically speaking by these people the more they say you know oh we’re gonna sell all of our furniture cause I’m not paying for a storage and then you move somewhere and then they rent a $200 month garage and put 4 items in it because you question it u then start shutting down,parts of ur mind Add it’s logical part, you stop question them all the time, because of their stupid nonsense right I didn’t say you never question them again you do, Oh I still question them because right there you’re using the insanity they put in your head for you to tell someone trying to help you that the wrong you’re protecting your abuser and your brainwashing yourself when you say that okay you’ll stop confronting them not completely okay but you’re mine will start going that doesn’t make any sense but after while it’s a sick feeling in your subconscious when you do question it so subconsciously stop question and you do that you start even more stinging certain parts of your logic to common sense you’re pay attention look at the Patton remember yesterday thinking about how they are you need to run , Away from him okay before you say what do you mean by that,and I’m telling you the truth you can take care of yourself I I hope you contact me I really wanna help you Because I’ve been doing with the 43 years and I’m really paying attention and or breaking free but they can put your mind in a state where you can’t remember yesterday and you forget what they did and then your mind starts to shut down and doesn’t wanna think about it Point blank doesn’t love you get that in your head right now that is not love OK that is picking someone up for wherever or convenience it’s not love is using you using you convince yourself or because it’s the truth And get the hell away from and then don’t go running and telling them you’re gonna leave them because then he’ll just mess you up even more Play telling you to get out like you doesn’t want you but think of the past all the times he left you he came back all the times done with you he came back right All the times you might have say get out of the car and get away from me I don’t wanna do it anymore he always comes back every 1 of those words was a lie lie lie lie he lied to you broke up with you he was lying I never had any intentions of breaking up with you permanently
Hi Lu,
I can totally relate. I was in the same situation. In spite of all his bad behavior, I was terrified at the thought of losing him. So each time he would leave and come back, I would allow him to do it. He was never physically abusive, but the emotional abuse and manipulation was so bad that I couldn’t even think for myself anymore. Of course there were good days sprinkled in with the bad… Just enough to keep me going. I suspected he was cheating numerous times, but finally found the evidence on his phone a couple weeks ago. I left and of course reconsidered, Telling him that I forgave him and that I wanted to work out our relationship. I took a couple weeks to think about things and we agreed to talk again today. But when I contacted him he said he didn’t want to talk to me anymore. I am left in devastation. But I realize that this is not all about him. It’s about me and my unhealed wounds that finally need to be healed. I need to work on myself. Narcissistic abuse cannot happen to somebody who does not allow it to happen. I know that now and am moving forward one minute at a time. I know you wrote your post a while ago and I hope you are doing much better now. If you see my message, please drop me a line and let me know how you are doing.
What if the married couple although un healthily enmeshed with trauma bonds , wants to stay married but they need to break those bonds , do you recommend separation? Even if they have kids and both spouses are seeking healing and recovery?
I too would like an answer for this question
If you both want to heal together, I see no problem with that. Just be aware that old habits die hard and it will take months or even years of working with a great therapist to break those bonds. I encourage you to seek out a therapist who works with couples to help you heal. Shirley
I’m a child and family therapist and life coach who has an academic and practical specialization in working with families that have experienced trauma. I’ve often worked with families where there is a history of trauma bonding on some level. As a general rule, I will work with both partners if a) both express motivation to change (sometimes for the children’s benefit), b) I am reasonably sure that there is not a safety issue (remaining aware that victims of abuse frequently deny the abuse for their own safety), and c) the therapeutic process is equal, i.e., it isn’t being used as a tool to reinforce abusive patterns (e.g., one partner trying to triangulate the therapist into aligning with them in invalidating the other or making the other the “identified patient”). This is difficult work that requires a very astute therapist who has a lot of experience navigating these dynamics, and in reality, my experience is that too often one partner is somewhere on the narcissistic spectrum and is very unlikely to change (because they don’t think they have a problem, everyone else does), while the other is trying all too hard to change everything they can and have extreme difficulty healing while still in the relationship. I’ve experienced this both as a therapist and as a client who was, more than once, caught in these relationships myself and having difficulty accepting the reality. Many therapists have limited experience or training in working with complex trauma, many have limited experience working with couples or families, and many are unaware of the dynamics of abuse or aren’t on the alert for it. I’ve seen a handful of couples work through this together and make surprising progress, whether they were still together or separated but doing hard work on themselves for their kids’ benefits. I’ve also seen the therapeutic space used as a theater of war, with each parent trying to play out the abuse on the other using the therapist as a weapon, when they were not allowed contact. Make sure whoever you choose has appropriate training, and be clear and honest about what’s going on – and be realistic about the true potential of both people to take responsibility for their own healing and be honest with themselves and each other about their dynamic.
Great share. I am in the midst of deciding to do therapy or cut ties. We are separated 4 months and the roller coaster of emotions continue. I truly can’t see us living together at this point – yet I don’t want to let him go fully(?) He is what my individual therapist said is “Love bombing” me right now because he is losing control of me. She advised wants I get “hoovered” back in he will return to the gaslighting etc.
Should I even be contemplating this at all – 20 year relationship 17 year marriage…and now my kids side with him the stay at home Mom – but one that was in constant survival mode and anxiety. I wasn’t always “present” for them. So, despite putting myself aside for all 3 of them (him and 2 kids). The kids now want nothing to do with me. I left. They remain in the family home with him. I was going insane and behaving at such this last year.
Do you work with individuals who are in a trauma bonding marriage? My husband has no interest in therapy.
Wow this is pretty accurate
Is it possible the abuser could also be addicted to the high/low chemicals they are subconsciously/ instinctively creating?
I can’t see that the person I’m in an abusive relationship could be that considered.
A month later and I realise he is that considered and completely knows what he’s doing!
Go no contact!
Really good question…this is me and my marriage we’re currently separated and our 5 year old son is living with me. However, I am still seeking restoration and reconciliation in our marriage. Advice welcome I feel stuck in a toxic marriage but still love my husband so don’t want it to end even though I know it’s an unhealthy relationship 😔
I have been dating a woman whose ex-husband is an full-on narcissist and they have a child together. Unfortunately, he still has a significant affect on her and after scheduling a time for us to meet(he asked to since I’d be around their child), he has been telling her that she has been a terrible mother lately with the intention of driving her and I apart…. and it is working. Telling her what’s happening was counter-productive as she got defensive bc nobody wants to admit another person had control over them. I’m not concerned about them getting back together, but I was wondering what’s the best way to approach someone about trauma bonding?
I wish there were more resources on dating someone with narcissist exes and dealing with trauma bonding because many people(in my case women) are fine labeling an ex as a narcissist but taking the step to educate is quite difficult.
Thanks!
I have been dealing with my trauma from an x who is the father of my children. He controls everything. Even the kids. How do i break my bond with this terrible person whilst still having to communicate with them due to the kids.
I’m dealing with the same thing I trauma bonded with a narc and we now have a child and he’s trying to make my life hell if I don’t do what he wants. I can’t just not talk to him because we have to coparent
Hi, This is an old post but I noticed no one seems to reply to the questions asked here. I have four children with a man I am trauma bonded to and I cannot for the life of me, get peace within myself. He seems as happy as a lark with his new wife and my kids visit on major holidays. Now that my children are grown up and starting their own families, we don’t never communicate, even though at times, there are problems that should be discussed between us. It is terrible for my kids to see how we never communicate. I see this entire thing as a bizarre complex issue and I do not know anyone who has offered a solution. Yet. I can’t figure this out alone and if you know what to do or got help, let us all know:)
Hi Pam,
Thank you so much for sharing. We try to reply or contact each person who asks a question or inquires about more information but unfortunately it can be difficult to reply to everyone simply due to the volume of comments many of our articles and stories receive.
Your situation may be something that our executive director, Athena, would be able to cover on an upcoming Monday live stream on our youtube channel. Please feel free to send us a contact request form right here on our website and I’ll see that she gets it. 🙂
Matt
Is trauma bonding the same as Stockholm syndrome? What is the difference?
I have a trauma bond with my sons biological father. I never see him but I constantly check the jail sites for him. How can I break this habit?
Kristina, I would recommend “no contact”. No email. No research. No phone calls. No texting. Nothing. That worked (is working) for me. I had to go through withdrawal so to speak. Now, he on the other hand has tried many ways to insidiously infiltrate into my space, but I have reprogrammed my mind to say “access denied”. I don’t answer the door. I don’t accept the gifts. I block calls from new numbers and don’t return those calls. In addition to the counseling I received, I also educated myself (and continue) to use resources on a daily basis to educate myself so I can continue to walk on the path of freedom. It has been 9 months since my last contact with my narcissistic abusers and I am truly blessed. It was not easy, but over time, it got better. In this season of healing, I do a lot of self care + self love. I thank God I’m in a much better place today. I wish you well.
Really good question…this is me and my marriage we’re currently separated and our 5 year old son is living with me. However, I am still seeking restoration and reconciliation in our marriage. Advice welcome I feel stuck in a toxic marriage but still love my husband so don’t want it to end even though I know it’s an unhealthy relationship 😔
This is a real encouragement thank you for sharing…my faith is helping me get through y separation with a psychologically abusive husband but I am making progress. My faith in God helps….
is it possible that the narcissist who abused us is trauma bonded to their abuser as well (if there is one)?
Both of my parents are trauma bonded with each other and I’m trauma bonded to them,but trying to change that, NC now.
I’m trauma bonded to my ex boyfriend, and I swear, going the no-contact rule and having him blocked on social media is much like drug withdrawal…I never wish this upon anyone, ever..
The yearning for him despite all of the things said & done is too much to deal with.
I feel you. I’m going through the same thing, finally broke free for the last time from my borderline traumatic ptsd boyfriend who gaslighted me daily and used my children and I but never loved us or committed. What the fuck just happened, is all I can say.
I feel both of you, i’m trying to get away from a BPD ex that keeps dragging me back with guilt trips and manipulation. i don’t even think he’s aware he’s doing it. they fights just drag you down and they don’t let up until they know they’ve hurt you and got under your skin, then it’s ‘i love you’. wow trauma bonding on full display. they hurt you, then tell you they love you! it’s insanity. i still find myself missing him while trying to go NC. he texts me and i get angry and want to fight and get sucked back in. then we fight and he gets triggered and tries to call me and text me saying i’m hurting him. it’s madness and it’s so hard to just get away and STAY away bc i feel like i’m responsible for his pain. i want to break away and it’s getting harder and easier at the same. i’ll get there eventually. i wish you both luck. i can empathize with you both.
Yes this hits me so hard. I am the exact same way with my ex right now. I feel like this pain is worse.
I am going through that as well. I suffer from withdrawals from my ex despite knowing how much he disrespected me.
Hello my wife feel as though we are in this trauma bond relationship as well. I’m the abuser. I’ve been with her since I was 19 when I finally was able to be free from my parents strict household. We met in college and hit it off. I fell for her. But I was young and not experienced enough to be with her. I left for a while. Then came back into her life. I’ve cheated on her multiple times during my relationship trying to make up for times I never got to live. I know I shoulda left her alone and I tried but she didn’t want me to leave. We are 35 now I don’t cheat on her anymore but my past has definitely held against me. I would go out at night. How do I know I’m the abuser in a trauma bond relationship? And if so how do I fix it. I’ve changed my ways. But how do I really fix it.??
John Dossantos on November 9, 2020 at 2:58 am
Hello my wife feel as though we are in this trauma bond relationship as well. I’m the abuser. I’ve been with her since I was 19 when I finally was able to be free from my parents strict household. We met in college and hit it off. I fell for her. But I was young and not experienced enough to be with her. I left for a while. Then came back into her life. I’ve cheated on her multiple times during my relationship trying to make up for times I never got to live. I know I shoulda left her alone and I tried but she didn’t want me to leave. We are 35 now I don’t cheat on her anymore but my past has definitely held against me. I would go out at night. How do I know I’m the abuser in a trauma bond relationship? And if so how do I fix it. I’ve changed my ways. But how do I really fix it.??
What do you do if you were in a relationship with a borderline, trauma bonded with a “savior” friend of his, but after the breakup, the friend discarded and went no contact with you because the borderline projected the narcissism onto you? How do you break that trauma bond? Especially when the former friend deliberately shops the store you work in? It’s been two years.
I’ve been married for 17 years. Met my wife at a youth ministry. She was quiet, and kind to others. This appealed to me 3 years out of a 2 year relationship with my H.S. gf who was in a small, cultish chuch that I ended up getting kicked out of for whispering to her that I thought the pastor was controlling. Eventually met my future wife and became a youth pastor myself for 18 years. I’m in so much pain now though because I am coming under the realization that I don’t even think she loves me, or ever has. She has always had social issues, awkward with people. I’m a talker, make friends quick, people like me quickly, only thing I’ve ever been good at. Now a therapist and crisis counselor due to my empathy. I’m certainly not perfect. Anger issues growing up. Never knew my bio-dad. Step-father took care of us, worked hard, but was stern, grumpy, depressed, mostly uninvolved. Mom a Godly, kind woman. Put up with my father, loved him despite his poor attitude and depression. Rarely angry, but when she was, it was explosive, out of character. Took some resentment with me, church pain, etc. Married, love my wife, felt she loved me, but upon reflection, she has never shown empathy and only been able to express love in the way she feels most loved, through acts of service. My love language is words of encouragement. She told our therapist that it is hard for her to give me that but could not say why. She is not an apologizer. I have been apologizing most of my life, for almost everything. As a youth pastor, I developed a large anxiety disorder due to bringing everyone’s problems home with me and getting stuck in repetitive thinking. I realized I had been anxious most of my life, but just thought that’s how most people were. I’ve worked through a lot of that, developed better habits, run, rest, hobbies, cbt work, meds. When my wife does apologize, she always does it angrily and then expects me to accept it as genuine. It never seems like she “feels” sorry. Whenever we have tried to have kind of discussion about any of our problems over the years, it turns into an argument mainly due to her not allowing for any space or reflection on any areas where she may need to compromise. I have allowed my personality to slowly disappear. She is not a talker, so I have always filled that void, but she will tell me she doesn’t like what I talk about, so out of consideration I will not talk about those subjects-politics, my job, etc. Then when she is upset at me she’ll rattle a long list of things I’m doing wrong which often includes things like “You don’t talk as much as you used to”. I mention that she did not like what I was speaking about, so that limits things, but she’ll just go to the next criticism. She often says all of my relationships are poor when they are not. “You need to fix your relationships with your brothers, with your mother”. She once had me so convinced that this was true that I had my shoes on and keys in hand about to drive an hour to my brothers house to apologize for what, I don’t even know. If I bring this up now, she does not apologize for it, even though she acknowledges, and my family has acknowledged to her, there was nothing wrong. When really upset, I’ve gotten excited in the last couple of years and had a couple of panic attacks. Once I was feeling dizzy and laid on the kitchen floor. For all she knew I could have been having a heart attack, but she stepped over my body and went out to the car to the garage while my 6 year old at the time wiped my nose with a tissue because my nose was running. She came back in, scooped him up, and left in the car. Another time she told me to go to the hospital, so I went out to the car and sat in it for 15 mins until it passed. Came back in and went to bed. She’s now been angry at me for several months due to a mistake I made in reaction to feeling desperately alone and anxious. In November of last year, I had resigned from a family based counseling service. At the time, I was still working with one family where a Grandmother was dealing with deabilitating anxiety and also breathing issues while sleeping. She needed a Cpap machine. My job was MST therapy, working with the juvenile’s system to help lessen their problem behaviors. If Grandmother could get her Cpap, she would feel more rested, lessening her anxiety and aggression level, perhaps helping the grandaughter feel less anxious and creating a more relaxed atmosphere in the home. This was the idea anyway. When I resigned, the company closed the case instead of assigning a new therapist. We didn’t get the Cpap yet. I made the decision to go back to the house twice after quitting to help the Grandmother arrange her doctor’s appts. to get the machine. I felt morally obligated. In the therapeutic world, no, it may not be ethical, but I was not doing therapy, but still, not ethical, I get that. But this is who I am. Anyway, I go home and my wife argues with me for two hours about how unethical I am, quoting scripture about submitting to authorities (out of context btw) and generally making me feel like a heel. This is the person I love the most and the person I desire the most approval from mind you. Her opinion matters most to me. I couldn’t wrap my head around it. After two hours of her doing this she says, “I change my mind, I agree”. I ask, what changed your mind? “I don’t know, I just changed it”. No explanation, no apology for making me feel like the core of what drives me was rotten. I broke inside. Eventually I viewed pornography. It relieved anxiety. It was not something I felt good about. I was and am ashamed. I also made a profile on a dating website with the thought of just wanting to connect with someone in chat who would validate. I didn’t connect with anyone. For one, I couldn’t, I felt too guilty. And two, everyone is bots and scammers. All of this is not who I am. I was at my lowest point. My wife found out. I wasn’t really hiding it. She confronted, I lied out of shame for a day, then admitted. She found more, I lied again for a day, then admitted. Long story short, I have not been looking at anything for over 2 months. Given her access to all passwords, never owned a cell phone, websites are blocked at work and all my time can be accounted for when I’m not home. I also told her she can shut off the internet when she goes to bed if she’d like to feel more secure. I think I’m enabling her. She’s still angry. Last week I facebook messaged her when feeling overwhelmed that I felt like dying. Her response. “If you really feel like that, go to crisis, out of the city if you have to. I am not equipped to handle that on a good day, much less then when you are lying to me”. All my lies have been exposed, I’m not lying. I understand her pain, I’ve told her this many time. I’ts okay if she does not forgive me, I get it. But for me, it is like she has no ability to understand the context of what led to my brokeness. Keep in mind too that I went to her 6 years ago and communicated that I was feeling lonely due to her communication toward me, her behavior. All she does in response is serve more food. She knows what I need. Is she incapable? Have I been abused? Am I in a trauma bonded relationship? Yes, I’m a therapist, but it is hard for me to have perspective, and I am a people pleaser and tend to self-blame and self-criticize. She does nice things for people. She is a good mother. Are those just justifications?
My man. That’s rough. You are not alone and neither am I and we have to remember that. I’ve been trying to learn what acting in truth means. It’s hard. I share your pain. Reading your story gives me hope. It truly does. Sorrow is better than laughter, for by sadness of face the heart is made glad.
Hey everyone,
I’ve been dealing with a lot of sadness lately. A little about myself. I’m a therapist/crisis counselor, married for 17 years with two children. I’m at a breaking point with my wife due to possible trauma bonding, but I’m so close to it, I am constantly questioning myself and whether it is me who is at fault. This is a pattern throughout my life. I am a people pleaser. I grew up not knowing my bio-dad, step-dad took over at the age of two, told me he was step-dad when he adopted when I was in 3rd grade. He worked hard, but was generally uninvolved, stressed, depressed etc. I loved him, but he was a stern man we had to walk on eggshells around. My mom on the other hand, was a saint. A kind, Godly women who loved my father despite his grumpy nature. She would not typically get angry, but when she did, it was a scene and completely out of character. Still, I had a pretty normal childhood, or at least I felt like I did.
Dated a girl in and out of high school for 2 years. The last year she began attending a cultish church that I got kicked out of for whispering to her that I thought the pastor was a bit controlling. She told him, and eventually, well, a fun meeting for me happened where I was voted out as if I wanted to come back anyway. Eventually became a youth pastor myself at 19 and did that for 18 years. Met my wife at a youth ministry in another town. She was quiet and gentle natured. She was a doer, a servent, liked to do things for others. This seemingly humble nature appealed to me a great deal. Throughout our marriage, however, she has exhibited control issues and judgment. I’ve never felt like I can be fully myself with her, and as time as gone on, I’ve only lessened aspects of my personality to avoid conflict. She has always had social issues, felt awkward, doesn’t know how to talk to people. I’m a talker, make friends quick, people like me. It’s my only gift. I’m empathetic and this is what has led me to become a therapist.
I’ve come to realize that my wife may have no capability to have empathy, at least not for me. She is not an apologizer, never has been. It is incredibly difficult for her to admit a wrong, and when she does say she is sorry, it is usually in an angry way and I’m supposed to accept it as genuine and feel good about it. I don’t, but again, I’ve learned to avoid conflict. Over the years I’ve felt quite lonely. I developed an anxiety issue as a youth pastor because I would take everyone’s problems home and forgot that I could not fix anyone. Through CBT, running, and meds, that eventually smoothed out, but it was miserable and I realized I had been anxious most of my life and just thought it was how everyone felt. My wife has a hard time sitting down and having a productive discussion if it involves conflict with us where any compromise on her behalf would have to be made. She won’t let me finish a sentence, assumes what I’m going to say, then believes that meaning no matter what. Over the years, this has led to escalations due to my frustration on having to always carry the blame and, along with my already self-critical nature, the panic it has induced. I have had a few panic attacks during arguments. Once I lied down on the kitchen floor because I was dizzy and out of breath. She stepped over my body and just went out to the car. My 6 y/o son at the time came over with a tissue and wiped my nose. She came back in, scooped him up, and left. I could have been having a heart attack for all she knew, but no consideration. Another time, she told me to go to the hospital, so I went out to the car and sat for 15 minutes until it passed, came in the house and went directly to bed. No questions or thoughts toward my well-being. I’m not perfect myself by any means. Last November I broke. I was working for a family based therapy company and I resigned. I had been working with a family, including a Grandmother who was incredibly anxious, was not sleeping, and needed a Cpap machine. My job was as a MST therapist, so I worked with the whole system to help lessen the juvenile’s behaviors. If we could get Grandma her machine, she could get better sleep, agitation levels would be down, helping to create a more relaxed atmosphere in the home, perhaps helping the juvenile be less reactive. That was the idea here anyway, we’d try many different things. When I resigned, the company just closed the case w/o assigning another therapist. Grandma still had not gotten her machine and her anxiety prevented her from making the phone calls necessary to make the appointments etc.. I decided to go to the home two additional times after resignation to help her manage this. Yes, in the therapeutic world, this would be unethical, other therapists jaws hit the floor and they act like you just committed murder, trust me, it’s a fun time if you accidentally let it slip that you did something so scandalous. But I am who I am and I felt it was the moral thing to do, so I did it. I couldn’t not do it. Well I came home and my wife spent two hours arguing with me about how unethical I was (news to me that she would have ever felt this way), quoting scripture about submitting to authority (out of context btw) and making me feel like I was an absolute heel. This is the person I love, that I believed to love me, that I would have thought might say, if she’d say anything, “Honey, that was nice that you helped that old lady”, but I didn’t even expect that. At the end of the 2 hours, she then says, “I change my mind, I agree”. I ask what changed her mind. “I don’t know, I just changed it”. No explanation. Never an explanation. No apology for making me feel like the core of who I am and my principles are rotten.
So I broke. I felt empty, alone, unloved. I eventually made a bad choice and looked at pornography. I also logged into a dating website to attempt to connect through chat with someone to feel less alone and receive some sort of validation. I didn’t, I felt too guilty. My wife found out. I didn’t really hide it. I lied for a day out of shame, then admitted. She found a few more things I had looked up, I again lied for a day out of shame, then admitted. She knows everything, we’ve been in counseling. She still thinks I’m lying even though I’ve given her complete control of everything. She has all passwords, I have never owned a cell phone, web sites are blocked at work, and I told her she could shut the internet off if she wanted to when she went to bed, (plus she already has covenant eyes on it). Anyway, she keeps insisting I’m still lying, and she’ll say things like I’m a gross man. I ignored for a few weeks, but then got incredibly desperate and panicked due to her accusations. What is she thinking I did? There is nothing else, I don’t want her to think whatever gross thing she thinks. But when asked, she only kept saying, “you know and you have to repent on your own, I’m not going to tell you”. This was for a couple of weeks. She kept being mad at me, and would not tell me what she thought I was lying about. I eventually sent her a facebook message where I pleaded and said, I just want to die. That’s how I felt at that moment, completely overwhelmed. Her response: “The lies & manipulation are over the top If you really are thinking that way then you need to go to crisis; in another town if need be. I’m not equipped to deal with that on a normal day much less when you’re lying to me”.
Keep in mind that 6 years ago I went to her and told her how alone I was feeling and I was worried about where this was headed. She only seems to have the capability to love me in the way she feels loved, acts of service. So her response is always just to do more, cook more, etc. She knows my love language is words of encouragement. She told our therapist that It is hard for her to encourage me, but she couldn’t say why. I have only continued to be better over the years, speak her love language, be considerate. She will criticize what I talk about, so I will be considerate and not talk about those subjects anymore, and then she will say I don’t talk as much as I used to. This is someone who never talks, and yet I feel guilty. She will run down of everything wrong with me in arguments and say absolute nonsense and I’ll be convinced. She had me convinced once that all of my relationships with my family/siblings were poor and I needed to repair them. I had my shoes on, keys in hand, ready to drive an hour to show up at my brother’s door to apologize for who knows what. I don’t understand any of this. I am guilty of breaking her trust and understand her anger about the websites. I don’t expect her forgiveness anytime soon, if at all. But it sure would be nice if there would be some indicator that she was at least capable of understanding context of what would bring someone to making out of character choices. I feel so depressed. Do you think this is possible trauma bonding? Signs of something else here? Is she a narcissist? Aspergers? Why do I stay? I’m not happy. But I love her. I don’t like her.
She sounds more like she might have Asperger. I have Asperger and the world is black and white for us, nothing in between. Be glad that she is not depressed and she is working hard. Asperger mimics narcissism sometimes, I take the test sometimes to self check. Do not give up. Try and be happy again.
I’m in a relationship like this, at least on my end. I don’t think my partner is actually abusive, but there are problems in the relationship that trigger this debilitating abandonment anxiety. If abuse isn’t present, is it possible to heal the trauma bond without ending the relationship? (Or is wanting to do that the exact thing behavior you are warning against in the article lol)
Thank God I came across this today. I was crying uncontrollably and I felt like I was suffocating. I am in a relationship for two years with a man who abused cocaine and alcohol, watched porn, bought scratch offs with the last dollar. It took me a long time to realize that he was doing cocaine, through an arrest and his blood being checked. At the beginning it was ok, we were trying to get pregnant and I was t-boned in my car and I broke my neck and lost the pregnancy. I didn’t even know at the time of the accident that I was pregnant already. I worked over a year with a broken neck LONG shifts, crying all over the place in grief, him being stupid and disappearing and upsetting me, my injury from the accident got so bad that I could not even feel my legs, cord compression. I ended up having surgery on my neck, gruesome. It left me disabled, I can not even drive per doctors orders and had to file for disability. I am now 50, the accident was when I was 48, so I lost a miracle pregnancy. I was also in the wrong place and the wrong time when the accident happened. It was something he did, related to his drug use. Another one of his disappearances. I hold this against him. He also has psych diagnosis and high rank. Just a huge drama always. Got arrested a few times, probably lost his career, I was not privileged with what he exactly does, but it’s something classified. MAYBE me losing his child made him suffer in a way that he could not control himself anymore, but it made ME suffer so bad…today I though through my insane crying about trauma bonding. He left after we had a fight a couple oof days back, he tried to talk to me today, we fought. Anyway…I do believe we were trauma bonded and I will ask in therapy to talk about this and try and sever my deep “connection” with him. I can not take it anymore. It deepens my depression. He does work now on his sobriety, not because he wanted, but because of legal problems. I wish him the best. But I can not take the “but when you are away from them, you feel a sense of primal panic”. The professional who wrote this, they know what they are talking about. I can not describe that terrible feeling…I can not put myself through THAT anymore. Thank you. This article will probably change my life. My intense PTSD is also crossed into C-PTSD. But you never know. Someday, by the grace of God and help from professionals, maybe I will get better and want to live a full life AGAIN.
I just left an abusive relationship. Everyday has been a mental battle. I can’t stop thinking about him. My family has already helped me to go get my belongings from my old apartment. He still has my puppy, but I’m not strong enough to break no-contact with him without going back. I’ve been throwing up everyday and I feel like I miss him tremendously. I keep questioning my decision if leaving was the right thing to do.
I appreciate this article very much – very relevant and accurate. I am going through this now, but it is only recently that I started to gain some control of my life back after horrific and heinous abuse and violence from my husband and 2 lost pregnancies. It was a literal escape to get away from him, but what helped me most was:
1. Being surrounded again by friends, family, and a wonderful support system of people who know you and love you after him insolating me and discouraging any contact with the outside world – including studying, listening to podcasts or the news.
2. I wish I could give every person a hug and say, stick with it – stick with yourself and see it through, the awful trama bond can be broken with time: It takes each of us to honor ourselves, love ourselves, and be aware of resilency, understanding for our emotions and why we feel a way (ie: No, you don’t have to contact them – that is the grooming they did to manipulate you into always crawling back on hands and knees after awful abuse that was normalized and that if anyone were to hear it, would be horrified). Most of all, practicing kindness and love for yourself, ourselves, and respect for yourself to know you deserve more than crappy scrappy bread crumbs that were thrown when you were most hungry and begging, false promises and empty intentions to break free of the stagnant life that was imposed on you to keep you small and complacent and obedient, while the abuser walked around without a care, continuing to live life like nothing happened/ no big deal/ everything’s fine/ he’s king of the world.
3. Let go of anger and hatred. For yourself. Your your health and wellbeing. For your healing. Beleive and trust. It’s very hard, but reminding ourselves not to let one person take away our joy, love, life, and simply the act of smiling. Get our power back, the ability to think, act for ourselves without fear.
4. It takes time, and it is a process, but honor if, keep with it, stick with yourself because that’s the most thing that matters. Knowing that we are not alone, and that there are other people who have gone through this and survived, perservered, and can continue to live a good life is possible.
xo
Thank you for your comment, Evergreen. I am going through a horrible trauma bond to a man who has paranoid personality disorder but won’t admit it. I have always been a very loyal and faithful person, but now every day I am accused of cheating on him with a variety of men and women (even though I am straight). He stalks me, checks my phone, has attempted to ban me from my social media accounts, and so on. He’s also started cheating on me. I’ve been with him 12 years, but he has had some terrible trauma within the past year (he lost a child and his job) which has completely changed him. He is irrational now and his personality changes from one hour to the next. Unfortunately the good parts, and the person he was, is being overtaken by this new unstable abusive person. He has also become violent, so there’s no question, I just can’t stay with him any longer. I’m so sad, we are/were so compatible, and were to be engaged next week. We love each other very much, but he refuses to acknowledge that he has a problem. He treats me as if I am his enemy. It is so painful because I know who he used to be – a kind, loving, man, but now, I have to behave as if he is dead and somehow find a way through this. I am 60 and thought that he was my life companion. It is truly excruciating.
WOW! You just wrote the carbon copy of my life! I, like you, have been in a trauma bonded marriage for 40 years. my children grew up in the emotional abuse…it sickens me so much! I want out and am trying hard to find a way…I see a therapist every 2 weeks and she’s amazing! I wish I were stronger!
My father died at 26. My mother was the same age. He was home off and on so we(4 of us 2,4,6 and 7) didn’t have any kind of relationship with him. At his funeral, my mother found out he had a whole nother family. She re-married, a former classmate in high school, 2 months later. We never met him until after they returned from a two week honeymoon. W e had been “farmed out” to relatives we did not know. Throughout our childhood he was physically abusive but mom never stepped in to protect us. We all knew he loved her, but also knew he did not love us. They eventually had three boys who were also abused. All 7 of us left home one way or the other(sister on her 18th BD, me on my 18th BD, my younger brother, who was happier in juvy or jail, the other younger brother of our original 4 emancipated himself at 16) My sister and I ended up in physically abusive relationships, the 2 boys also had issues. I am now in a wonderful marriage of almost 40yrs have two children, 3 gkids and 2 ggkids none of whom I can bond with and never have. I know I love them and my husband but I can’t FEEL it. What is the matter with me?
Thank you Hannah for writing such an insightful and informative article on trauma bonds. Your explanation of how individuals with CPTSD may be more susceptible to falling into abusive relationships due to their past experiences was eye-opening. Your clear identification of warning signs and practical steps to break free from trauma bonds provides valuable guidance to those who may be trapped in such situations.
I appreciate the emphasis you place on self-education and seeking therapy, as well as the importance of establishing healthy connections and engaging in new experiences. Your suggestions offer a comprehensive approach to healing and breaking the cycle of trauma bonds.
Thank you once again for shedding light on this important topic and providing valuable resources for those in need. Your article serves as a valuable tool for understanding and overcoming trauma bonds, ultimately empowering individuals to prioritize their well-being and prevent future abusive relationships.
Warm regards,
Kaushik M. [Founder, LiveWellTalk]
Can trauma bond happen between siblings? I’m in a 20 year relation with my sister as a pastor over me. I find the symptoms depicted in this article very similar.