For So Long…A Thank You, to the compassionate witnesses that caught me just in time.
(trigger warning)thank you, t
For so long, a tortuous lifetime no doubt,
Trapped in a medieval pinball machine
No rubber bumper obstacles to bounce between.
Instead, an unremitting, unforgiving gauntlet to run
of barbed and poisoned memory spears
Each one dripping with the blood of an event
Too horrible to name, too cruel to endure
I have fought for a lifetime
To win the battle and survive
To come up for air, to not disappear
Down that dark hole of despair.
Each memory is etched in my soul, its’
Mocking laughter echoing through my veins,
Of infantile innocence irreparably defiled
And a soul shattered into shame-filled shards
Oh, how I tried to survive. I tried to thrive.
I took those memories and cleaved them from their pain
Hammered a wedge between the two
And with arms stretched wide and sinews askew
I stood in between and resisted their fatal attraction
Until I could resist no more.
My arms grew weak, my blood seeped into the soil
My heart slowed, my mind unraveled, my soul screamed.
Madness descended and death tantalizingly beckoned.
Please, please
Let death be my dominion and darkness, my savior
I can fight no more.
And so I bowed my head, sunk to my knees, closed my eyes.
I took up one of those poisoned spears
And drove it into my heart, hailing peace to come at last.
But death was defiant and peace was elsewhere
Instead, my nerves were on fire and I writhed in pain
Begging for freedom, calling for calm
I plummeted over the edge and into oblivion
Cascading through my past, craving annihilation.
Please, please
Let death be my dominion and darkness, my savior.
Then out of the darkness a tiny speck of light
Danced and sang and drew me in,
A ray of hope calling my name,
tempting me to follow.
You opened your door and let me in.
Oh what joy, succor for my sanity
With open arms, you caught me and passed
Me lovingly between your gentle hands,
One by one soothing me with your humanity,
Hearing me with your hearts, validating my pain
And bearing witness to my story.
You held me. You loved me. You rescued my hope.
You gave me the strength to go on.
This content was created and written by a guest blog contributor. Views expressed in any guest blog contributor post may not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation.
