In the popular children’s book “Ramona the Pest” by Beverly Cleary, five-year-old Ramona is told to “sit here for the present” by her kindergarten teacher, Miss Binney. Misunderstanding the instruction, Ramona refuses to move from her seat for the rest of the day. She thinks the teacher’s requests for participation in classroom activities is a test of her obedience. If she moves from her seat, Miss Binney will not give her the promised present. Ramona’s happiness at being promised a present leads to shame and ridicule by her classmates when her mistake is revealed.
This is exactly what it feels like to grow up in a home run by narcissists. The heart of the child is betrayed over and over again. Filled with confusion, rejection, and despair, the child can find no way of escape.
Constantly set up for shame, ridicule, and harm, the very people you depend upon for survival are the ones meting out the punishment.
We survive by disconnecting from the present. For our own protection, we scan the emotional temperature of the room and squelch any and all personal feelings. We try to figure out ways to appease our abusers and sometimes we are successful. Joy is a threat, happiness will always be taken away, and the present holds only sorrow. We must numb ourselves from the unbearable suffering. These abilities saved our lives when we were children, but they destroy us as adults.
Like a person watching the Christmas celebration by peering through the window, we watch life pass us by; afraid to come in and participate. We are so accustomed to anticipating danger, the present is almost a non-reality. Numbing is an automatic response and our emotional scanners run twenty-four hours a day.
Sit down for a moment and rest little child. That terrible time of your life is over. Guess what? You’re grown up now, and you never have to go back to that place again…ever. You are a hero. You survived the catastrophe and now, you have the ability to rescue yourself. What was impossible for you as a child is now possible. Look around the room. Do you see where you are? You are not in the past. You are now in the present and your abusers are gone. You are in control. Take a deep breath. Try and relax your shoulders. Do you see something beautiful? Is that the smell of fresh-cut grass? Oh! The song of a meadowlark! My dog is so soft. I love this perfume. These pants fit me just right. I love this Christmas ornament. The stars are so bright they almost hurt my eyes to look at them. How warm the sun feels when I sit on my back porch.
The grown-up me gives the little me a hug. “Hey, little girl. You’re a hero alright, but so am I because I’m going to rescue you out of the past. We’re going to come to the present together. There are all kinds of wonderful things to experience here and you deserve to enjoy each one. Let’s sit here for the present together. You’re not alone anymore.”
You may contact the author, Rebekah Brown at [email protected]
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Rebekah Brown, a native of the south, now resides in the Great American West. Surviving a complicated and abusive family system makes her unique writing style insightful as well as uplifting. Rebekah is the proud mother of two and grandmother of four.
OMG! This is a work of beauty. You have somehow captured my thoughts and feelings and written them on this post. The best way to read this is slowly . . . so the words can sink in. I’m going to re-read this many times to let it settle in!
You are an angel.
Thank you Rebekah. Beautifully written and thought provoking
Thank you so much.
Sadly not terribly helpful in my case. I look around and remember that my parents have stayed in my home before when on vacation to my current country. I’ve told them since that they’ll need to find alternate accommodations in the future but know I would let them back in if pressed. I look around and know that my past trauma can become present on very short notice. My spouse is very patient, but is also dealing with emotional trauma, and so is not always available for support. I’ve spent several thousands of USD on a number of psychologists, and what little advice I’ve received has mostly made things worse.
So, anyway, I feel a little better, but still want to curl up in a corner under a blanket and just let time pass instead of getting back to work.
Hi Withheld,
Thank you for sharing. May I recommend Forward Facing Trauma Therapy by Eric Gentry. His videos are free on Youtube. He also has a book by the same name. His therapy can be used as a supplement or peer to peer or alone. The high cost of therapy is a stumbling block for nearly all of us. There is no easy fix and the frustration of the healing journey is maddeningly slow. Forward Facing has a little different approach. I wish you well.