As we approach Christmas and another new year, it dawns on me that it will be another year without my family. Even though I do not want them to be around me it still hurts. We are told to love our families no matter what, that ‘blood is thicker than water’ but that is not true for all of us. In fact, a lot more people than we would like to admit or acknowledge do not have loving and caring families. I remind myself at these times of year that I have chosen peace over chaos, I have chosen peace not only for me but for my children.
Generational trauma can be broken but it does not come easy, and it takes a very strong and courageous person to do it. To stand up and say:
‘I will not be silenced’
‘I will not be gaslit’
‘I will not be blamed for what you inflicted upon me’
‘I will not tolerate your bad behaviour’
‘I will not ignore the past, but rather I will learn from it’
‘I will not let you deflect your pain upon me anymore’
‘I will not let you project your guilt and shame upon me anymore’
‘I will tell the truth’
‘I am not mentally unstable
‘I will not condone your manipulation of the truth’
‘I will not allow you to make me feel like the ‘crazy’ one’
‘I will not allow you access to my children
‘I will not accept you into my life as you have not atoned for your actions’
To do that takes a type of strength many are lucky to never have to see if they have, and may you count your blessings if you are one. Some of us get stuck in the drama triangle and family abuse til the end of our days, whilst guilted into allowing access to our own children, by being scapegoated and gaslit and not knowing how to get out. They may only get pulled in on these festive holidays, but that is enough to send them spiraling. Then what usually happens is the abusers use this opportunity to either love bomb their way back in or an opportunity to make them look ‘crazy’ to the ones they need to validate their existence to. All the while the survivor gets stuck back in a web of family toxicity or starts questioning their own sanity again.
So, to those of you that question if you have done the right thing by cutting your abusive family off – I want you to know that you are:
Strong
Courageous
A fantastic parent – for why would you allow them access to your own children when they were capable of what they were when you were a child?
Many adult survivors of abuse notice their own parents mellow with time, well yes they do; that comes with old age, it does not mean that they have atoned, if they have that’s a different story, but if they still make you feel like the ‘crazy’ one, the one that ‘over reacts’ the one that ‘ acts like a child’ the one that ‘ still lives in the past’.
THEN THEY HAVE NO RIGHT TO BE IN YOUR LIFE OR YOUR CHILDREN. This type of behaviour means they are not sorry and that have not atoned let alone changed their behaviours or the way they view you as a person. Some of these abusive parents end up using their own children as weapons against you, do not allow them this power. Take it back, take your personal power back. You are worthy
Remember there is NOTHING wrong with living a peaceful life away from all that drama, all that pain, you do not need to feel this way, you do not need to accept or tolerate this type of insidious gaslighting and continued manipulation. Embrace your freedom, hold your head up high, and know that you are worthy.
Do not let them project guilt upon you for doing the right thing for yourself and for your children. In fact, you are strong and courageous forming and teaching a new way to live a new family lineage. Whereby you set the next generational standard of love and care. You can build the family you never had, for with time your children may have children and you may be a grandparent.
Then every night when you lay your head down to sleep you can sleep peacefully knowing you have shown them a different path, a new path, a new way to care and love for each other and their family.
That is worth it……
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Born in 1980 in Australia
www.aboutthechildren.com.au
Instagram: JourneyBeyondYou
Facebook: Journey Beyond You
Survivor of extensive childhood abuse, and now live with C-PTSD
I am a Community Practitioner, Psycho-Social Recovery Coach
Trauma Informed Doula
Trauma Informed Yoga Teacher
Child Educator & Advocate
If there’s one thing to remember its:
Kindness can change a life
Kindness can save a life
Thank you Gemma. I needed to read this post. I cut my family out years ago but it still hurts. They try and wheedle themselves back into my life at certain points throughout the year and Christmas is one of them. I am resilient and I don’t give in because my kids deserve a good life with love and happiness. Hang in there if you are like me and Gemma!
Merry Christmas!