How To Cope With Toxic Parents

 

What can you do?

Toxic parents are often selfish, manipulative, and neglectful. Growing up with them can be a difficult experience, and it takes time to heal. Fortunately, you can learn how to deal with your toxic parents so you can feel better. Whether you’re still living at home or are out on your own, you can manage your relationship with your parents by detaching from them and setting boundaries. Additionally, you’ll need to work through your feelings and learn to care for yourself.

If it’s not your responsibility, then it’s not!

Avoid taking responsibility for their feelings or needs. Your toxic parent may use guilt to manipulate you into doing what they want. However, you aren’t responsible for making them happy. Don’t do things just to please them or sacrifice what you want to make them happy.

For instance, your mom may expect you to drop what you’re doing and comfort her whenever she’s upset. Don’t feel obligated to do this.

You might say, “I need to finish my homework right now. I’ll come to listen to you when I’m finished.”

You cant change toxic people!

Accept that you cannot change them. While you likely want your parents to start treating you well, it’s not possible to change someone else. The only person you can change is you. Stop trying to get them to change. Instead, focus on what you can do to feel better about the relationship.

Don’t take things personally!

Stop taking what they say to you personally. Your parents may say some really hurtful things to you, and it’s natural to believe what your parents say. However, their hurtful words are really about them, not you. When they say something mean to you, remind yourself that it’s not accurate. Then, tell yourself something nice

As an example, let’s say your dad says, “I can’t believe I have such a lazy child.” While your feelings may be hurt, question the accuracy of what he said. List the reasons why it’s not true, such as “I work hard in school,” “I keep my room clean,” “I do well at my job,” or “I’m pursuing a goal.” Tell yourself something like, “I know I’m not lazy because I work so hard at school.”

Don’t tell them all if they are toxic!

Limit what you tell them about yourself and your life. Your toxic parent may use what you say against you. Instead of confiding in them, talk to someone you can trust, like a friend or relative. Just make sure you pick someone who won’t report what you say to your parents.

Think about an exit strategy.

Plan an exit strategy for when they’re mistreating you. If you live with your parents or spend time with them around the holidays, it’s likely that you’ll encounter a tough situation. Make a plan in advance for how you’ll get away from them. You might make up a story, make other plans, or find somewhere you can go to be alone.

Decide what you will and won’t tolerate.

Reflect on the behaviors that really upset you. Then, make a list of what you won’t accept from your parents anymore, which are your boundaries. Next, set clear consequences for what will happen if your parents violate these boundaries.

Tell your parents about your boundaries.

Your parents won’t know your expectations unless you define them. Explain how you expect them to treat you, and what you won’t tolerate from them. Then, explain the consequences when they violate your boundaries.

Talk to someone!

Reach out to a relative or authority figure if your parent is angry or violent. It may feel impossible to find help, but it’s not okay for your parent to abuse you. This includes both verbal and physical abuse. If your parent gets upset or refuses to leave you alone, get yourself to a safe spot and call someone you can trust. If you feel like there’s no one you can call, tell a trusted teacher, school counselor, or mentor who can help you

Work with a therapist, such as Dr. Jamie Huysman to process your feelings and learn ways to cope. Your therapist can help you identify your feelings and learn how to release them. They’ll teach you mental strategies for improving your life and how you relate to others. Additionally, your therapist will help you learn how to deal with your parents moving forward.

Forgive your parents when you’re ready. Forgiveness is for you, not the person who hurt you. When you’re ready, acknowledge that your parents were wrong but that they’re only human. Accept that the past cannot change, and forgive them for their actions.

Thank you for reading. To share your experiences go here. To visit Dr. Jamie go here.

 

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