Generations of negative family patterns and relational wounds are our legacies
In healing from relational trauma or resulting Complex PTSD – a type of PTSD thought to arise as a result of extended or repeated trauma – we often forget or dismiss what it is we’ve been up against. And for some of us, it’s what we’ve been up against our entire lives.
Generations of negative family patterns and relational wounds are our legacies. Sometimes we forget – or were never really aware of – our generations and generations of “burden loading”: burdens handed down to us, carried, compounded, and left unmitigated through our family lines – burdens like abuse, neglect, abandonment, or loss. These are wounds created through our families, communities, societies, and/or cultural and historical norms.
When we forget that we carry these generational burdens, we may, at our core, believe all of the compounded shame, inadequacy, and powerlessness we feel is because we, alone, have “failed” to make our lives different. Our individualistic society reinforces this notion.
On a personal level, our sense of those perceived failings may include feeling horrified when we slip and sound or act “just like my mother/father.” Or they show up when we have a hard time taking a compliment or acknowledging our gifts because we’re loaded with secret shame. And, often we compare ourselves to others – or worse, we compare ourselves to an ideal self that will always elude us.
We tend to rev up and then double down on our familiar strategies for control
So, we believe that to feel safe and sane and able to survive, we must go on a mission to get those “failings” under control. We get into perfectionism, consumerism, workaholism, or addictions – which makes perfect sense because the non-conscious belief goes something like, “If I’m just smart enough, fast enough, rich enough, or numbed out enough, I will never have to feel ‘that’ again. No more of that vulnerability, that loneliness, that not belonging. I will get that handled!” We tend to rev up and then double down on our familiar strategies for control.
When we’re in this revved-up space, I argue that it’s good to consider pausing – and maybe pausing a beat longer – to consider starting a gratitude practice. Here, I would offer a little different type of gratitude practice. It’s a gratitude-for-myself practice. You may start this practice by getting curious about how you might:
- Begin to find gratitude for what you have summoned in yourself to overcome, survive, and thrive. Get really specific. Look at the whole of your life. Write it down. What have you had to manage? What have you had to overcome? What have you done that’s been growth-producing, took courage, required a risk, or demanded perseverance?
- Acknowledge and honor what you now see written in front of you. Add to it. Share it with a trusted other. Seriously, celebrate it.
- Allow yourself grace for your mistakes and shortcomings. Expect less of yourself. Slow down, just for a day. Strain less and see how things can maybe still work out.
- Identify ways – against all odds – you’ve broken patterns from previous generations. Ask what your shame is actually to bear and what belongs elsewhere. What is truly your responsibility now? How have you successfully answered it? Really appreciate that you are just one person trying to make a difference in a chain of unaddressed pain.
- With your children, acknowledge how you’ve worked to “do it differently” with them to break the generational transmission. Consider what you’ve done in your larger family or community to bring healing. By even being willing to be aware, you’re doing your part for those who follow.
One of my clients said at the end of a session, her eyes open in surprise, “I didn’t realize how much I’ve been handling all my life. I’m not depressed; I’m legitimately sad and tired, and I’m sort of proud of what I’ve done in spite of all of it.” Despite a life full of loss and trauma, she found this understated appreciation for the grit and gifts and sea changes she has had to summon to create a life for herself. That self-gratitude is part of where healing compassion starts, both for oneself and for others. You may claim it for yourself.
Copyright 2024 Jennifer Lock Oman
Photo by Milan Popovic on Unsplash
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Jennifer Lock Oman, LISW, BCD, is a psychotherapist with over 35 years of professional experience. Her passion has been the study of human emotions, and their centrality in motivation, connection, and change. Currently, her interests also include the study of Complex PTSD and the clinical application of the Internal Family Systems (IFS) model of therapy to healing relational trauma.
Beautifully said, thank you for being visible.
Yes, great article. You are right. Thank you for sharing.