Question of the day: Why would the victim of a toxic abusive relationship emotionally bond with the person who is inflicting that harm on them?

Unfortunately, the answer to this question is complex and often misunderstood. Trauma bonding can lead to profound psychological effects, creating a bond so powerful that it overrides the victim’s rational judgment, keeping them trapped in a cycle of abuse. It also confounds the loved ones and friends of that victim, who cannot see any logical reason for the continuation of a negative relationship.

Today, we’ll delve into the concept of trauma bonding, explore its psychological impact on victims, and discuss why it is essential for both individuals and professionals to recognize and address this issue. We hope to provide valuable insights that can aid in breaking the cycle of abuse and fostering healing and recovery.

Understanding Trauma Bonding

A psychological response to abuse, trauma bonding is characterized by a strong emotional attachment between the victim and the abuser. Emotional abuse can be cyclical in nature, with periods of intense trauma followed by brief moments of affection or remorse from the abuser. These alternating experiences can bring about dependency and loyalty, making it extremely challenging for the victim to break free from the relationship.

Trauma bonds develop through a repeated cycle of abuse, consisting of four distinct stages:

1. Tension building – the stress and strain of this phase accumulate, leading to increased anxiety and fear. The abuser may become more controlling, critical, or irritable.
2. Incident – the tension can result in an abusive (physical, emotional, or psychological) incident. This phase is marked by aggressive behavior, threats, or violence.
3. Reconciliation – following the incident, the abuser often seeks to reconcile – displaying affection, remorse, or promises of change. This is in stark contrast to the violence, instilling a sense of hope in the victim.
4. Calm – a temporary period of calm begins, and the relationship appears to stabilize. However, underlying issues remain unresolved, meaning that the first phase is likely to begin again, with tension building as a response to some other similar or totally unrelated cause.

The cycle is perpetuated because it’s based on intermittent (random) reinforcement. A powerful psychological reinforcer, the inconsistent and unpredictable nature of reward delivery plays a crucial role in the development of trauma bonds. It allows victims to switch between abusive behavior and moments of kindness or affection with ease in hopes that the latter comes in abundance.

Reinforcement also has the effect of strengthening the victim’s emotional attachment and dependence on the abuser. The victim becomes fixated on the positive moments and clings to the hope that the abuser will change and the relationship will improve. Without proper intervention and treatment, this pathological cycle is doomed to repeat.

Healthy bonds differ significantly from trauma bonds in their foundations and effects. Healthy bonds are built on mutual respect, trust, and equality, with partners supporting and nurturing each other and contributing to a positive and fulfilling relationship. Trauma bonds, conversely, are marked by emotional instability, fear, manipulation, and coercion, where the abuser uses psychological tactics to maintain control and keep the victim dependent.

Psychological Mechanisms Behind Trauma Bonding

• Gaslighting – this is one of the tactics that abusers employ to establish and maintain control over their victims. This practice involves the abuser making the victim doubt their own perceptions and memories. In extreme examples, victims might even question their own sanity. This manipulation can leave victims feeling confused and insecure.
• Isolation – another powerful tool used by abusers. By cutting off from family, friends, and support networks, the abuser increases the victim’s reliance on them. This isolation prevents the victim from seeking help or gaining perspective on their situation, cementing the trauma bond. Subtlety is the hallmark of isolation – the abuser may react angrily when a certain person is mentioned, or they may show disapproval by going silent. Over time, the victim will isolate themselves from the target of the abuser’s isolation.
• Intimidation – this is a visible tactic involving threats and power displays to instill fear in the victim. This can include physical threats, destruction of property, or verbal abuse. Constant fear and heightened anxiety keep the victim tied to the abuser.
• Emotional manipulation – abusers alternate between abusive behavior and expressions of love, remorse, or kindness, creating a confusing dynamic for the victim. This intermittent reinforcement makes the victim seek the positive moments and blame themselves for negative outcomes. The victim holds on to the abuser as the only consistent force in their life.
• Coercion – happens when the victim is forced to comply with the abuser’s demands through threats or emotional blackmail. The abuser may threaten self-harm, harm to loved ones, or public humiliation. The victim may feel they have no choice but to obey, believing that compliance is the only way to avoid further harm to someone.
• Co-dependency – abusers can create dependency by systematically breaking down the victim’s autonomy and self-esteem. Controlling finances, restricting access to resources, and making the victim feel incapable of managing without them reinforces their dependency on the abuser.
• Fear-mongering – this is a critical element in maintaining control. Abusers instill fear through physical violence, threats, or unpredictable behavior, making the victim constantly wary of triggering further abuse. This state of perpetual fear paralyzes the victim, making it seem safer to stay than to risk leaving.

Leaving a Trauma Bond Can Be Challenging

Leaving an abusive relationship can be fraught with psychological and practical challenges. When the trauma bond is reinforced by cycles of abuse and moments of affection, the powerful emotional attachment is difficult to sever. Victims may feel responsible for the abuser’s actions, especially when they might affect other people. They may also believe they can change the abuser with enough effort.

Practical barriers (e.g., financial dependence, lack of support, fear of retaliation) further complicate the decision to leave. Victims struggle with conflicting emotions, and these factors combine to create a combined psychological and physical barrier that makes escaping the abusive relationship extremely challenging.

Understanding the psychological mechanisms behind trauma bonding helps us to recognize the deep-rooted challenges victims face. By acknowledging these dynamics, we can better support those affected and work towards breaking the cycle of abuse.

Signs and Symptoms of Trauma Bonding

The signs and symptoms of trauma bonding can be divided into two categories – emotional signs and behavioral signs. By knowing what to look for, close family, friends, and professionals can provide necessary help and support to the victim.

Emotional signs and symptoms.

• Trauma victims may believe that their abuser truly cares for them and that their relationship is unique and special. This emotional bond can be so strong that it overshadows the abuse and fosters a sense of allegiance to the abuser.
• They frequently experience intense feelings of guilt, shame, and self-blame. They may internalize the abuser’s accusations and criticisms, believing that they are at fault for the abuse.

Behavioral signs and symptoms.

• Trauma bonding creates significant confusion and cognitive dissonance. Victims struggle to reconcile the abuser’s kindness and apologies with their abusive actions. This leads to uncertainty about the reality of their situation and their perceptions, rendering clear, decisive choices about their future very difficult.
• A common behavioral sign of trauma bonding is the victim’s defense of the abuser’s actions. Victims may rationalize or justify the abuse by explaining it away. This is a natural defense mechanism that helps them cope with the abuse while reinforcing the trauma bond.

Even when victims do manage to leave, they often return to the abuser. This cycle can repeat multiple times as the emotional pull of the trauma bond, coupled with the abuser’s promises of change, draws them back. Crucially, each rebound strengthens the trauma bond. And this makes future attempts to leave even more difficult.

Long-term Effects of Trauma Bonding

The long-term effects of trauma bonding are complex psychological conditions in and of themselves. Different people will be affected in totally different ways. Each of the following conditions is complex, but a brief overview may help victims – or those supporting them – to identify the effects of trauma bonding.

●       Chronic Anxiety, Depression, and PTSD – prolonged exposure to abuse and manipulation leaves lasting scars, resulting in persistent fear, sadness, and intrusive memories that interfere with daily life.

●       Low Self-Esteem and Identity Issues – victims may struggle with self-worth and feel lost or disconnected from their sense of self. This can hinder their ability to recover and rebuild their lives post-abuse.

●       Stress-Related Health Problems – headaches, gastrointestinal issues, and sleep disturbances can present in victims. The body’s prolonged stress response can weaken the immune system and exacerbate these conditions.

●       Difficulty Trusting Others and Forming Healthy Relationships – victims may become wary of new relationships, fearing betrayal or further abuse. This mistrust can prevent them from developing meaningful connections and finding supportive networks.

●       Social Isolation and Withdrawal – victims may distance themselves from friends and family, because they feel ashamed or misunderstood. This isolation can perpetuate the cycle of abuse, as victims lack the support needed to escape and heal.

●       Breaking Free from Trauma Bonds – as with many mental health conditions, awareness is the first step to breaking free from trauma bonds. Victims need to recognize the abusive patterns and understand that the behavior they are experiencing is not normal or acceptable. Importantly, they also need to realize (or at least allow for the possibility) that their abuse is not their fault. Self-recognition empowers victims to take action.

Healing and Recovery

There are two critical points to understand and accept about healing:

1. It is a process.
2. It takes time.

Once the victim acknowledges that they are in an abusive relationship, professional therapy can help to weaken and eventually break trauma bonds. Trauma-informed therapy and cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) are practical approaches.

Support groups – with other people experiencing similar problems – are also invaluable since these groups provide a safe space for victims to share their experiences and receive encouragement and information from others.

When a victim is ready to take practical steps to leave their abusive relationship behind, creating a safety plan is essential. This includes gathering necessary documents, setting aside emergency funds, and planning an escape route. Victims should also identify trusted individuals who can assist in the process.

A strong support network can make this process simpler. Friends, family, and support services can offer emotional and practical assistance. Safe shelter is also crucial.

To promote healing and recovery, victims can reconnect with themselves and foster emotional well-being by:

• prioritizing self-care and practicing self-compassion
• engaging in activities such as mindfulness, breathwork, meditation, gratitude journaling, and hobbies
• focusing on personal strengths and achievements
• setting personal SMART (specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, and time-bound) goals
• exploring new interests
• establishing healthy boundaries
• defining aspects of healthy relationships and seeking them out in people

Providing Support to Someone in a Trauma Bond

We’ve all seen this – a person in the throes of trauma bonding appears to be insecure whiners who are not interested in receiving help or advice from anyone. They’ve conceded that they are not strong enough to grow in positive relationships, and we can certainly become frustrated with their lack of motivation to improve their own life.

However, our own resolve to help our loved one escape from an abusive relationship can motivate and carry us through. We can consider and remember these simple affirmations, and if we stay in a supportive role, the fruits of our work with victims of abuse become clear and rewarding.

Remember:

• listen without judgment
• validate their feelings and experiences; show that you understand and accept them
• avoid criticizing their decisions or the abuser; this can push them away and reinforce the trauma bond
• offer practical assistance (e.g., help find resources, offer a safe place to stay, accompany them to appointments)
• share information about support groups, hotlines, and legal options that can empower them to take steps toward independence
• prepare to offer assistance several times before it is taken; do not be discouraged by this; just consistently reinforce that support is available to them.

Gently encourage victims to seek professional help, such as therapy or counseling. Highlight the benefits of trauma-informed therapy or support groups, but respect their autonomy. Good outcomes from treatment are rarely the result of someone feeling forced to attend.

Above all, we have to recognize that healing from a trauma bond is a complex and gradual process. That means understanding that setbacks and repeated returns to the abuser can occur. It is easier said than done, but aim to offer consistent support without frustration or disappointment.

Supporting someone in a trauma bond requires compassion, patience, and understanding. By listening without judgment, providing practical help, and respecting their journey, you can play a vital role in their path to healing and independence.

Conclusion

In this article, we’ve delved into the complex issue of trauma bonding, exploring its definition, development, and the psychological mechanisms that sustain it in the lives of victims. We identified the emotional and behavioral signs of trauma bonding, discussed its long-term effects on health, and provided strategies for breaking free from such bonds. We outlined how to support someone experiencing a trauma bond with compassion and practical assistance.

If you recognize signs of trauma bonding in yourself or others, it’s crucial to seek help. And remember, acknowledging the situation is a first, courageous step towards recovery. Whether through therapy, support groups, or trusted resources, professional support can make a significant difference in shaping and experiencing your healing journey.

I am excited and energized by the prospect of being a small part of the solution to share resources, raise awareness, and foster supportive communities for those affected by trauma bonds. Together, as a growing community of those united by challenging experiences and a compassionate, empathic attitude towards one another, we can help individuals break free from abusive relationships and begin their journey toward healing and empowerment.

We believe in the resilience of the human spirit, and that survivors deserve to come out of the fog into the light. The goals of Scars to STARs (Survivors of Toxic Abusive Relationships) and TAR Network™ include helping survivors find awareness, transformation, and self-love; both aim to educate, empower, and energize people as they reclaim their sense of self-worth, rebuild their lives, and emerge stronger than ever. Our international programs are here to support you every step of the way while breaking the chains of transgenerational trauma.

TAR Anon™ is a global fellowship dedicated to supporting STARs (Survivors of Toxic Abusive Relationships). As a program of the TAR Network, a 501(c)(3) global charity, TAR Anon provides a safe and supportive community for people affected by narcissistic abuse, trauma, and Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD), and caregivers in high-conflict situations.

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TAR NETWORK

TAR Network™ is a 501(c)(3) charity dedicated to bringing worldwide awareness and treatment to those whose emotional reality has been distorted by narcissistic abuse. The mission of the TAR Network is to support men, women, the LGBTQ+ community, tweens & teens, families, parents who are alienated from their children, workers, and caregivers going through or emerging from TAR. With subject matter experts, affiliates, organizations with supportive resources, and our individual donor community our programs will help you out of the fog and into the light. TAR Network is currently developing several innovative projects: TAR Tales – a safe place to share your truth TAR Centers – a safe place to get vital CPTSD treatment TAR Anon – a safe and nonjudgmental worldwide support network. There is strength in numbers. We’ve all suffered from trauma and abuse at the hands of someone close. Please join us in this worldwide effort toward recovery.