Finding Christmas

   “FINDING CHRISTMAS”

By Morrene Hauser

I always worked hard to make the holidays special for my children when they were growing up.  I wanted their childhood, especially the holidays, to be filled with love, happiness, and good memories–something that was denied to me because of the years of abuse I suffered as a child. Verbal, sexual and physical abuse were a daily occurrence in my childhood by my mother, and the various sick men she brought into our lives.

My ex-husband is Jewish, so putting up a Christmas tree and decorating for the holidays was not something he grew up with (we divorced several years ago when our kids were teenagers). No matter, every year we pulled out the decorations, and we all worked to decorate while listening to festive music.  Nothing made me feel closer to my family than those moments. Unfortunately, as much happiness as I felt, it didn’t take away the daily depression and anxiety I had struggled with for most of my life.

In my early childhood, due to the abuse, my nervous system had become dysregulated, and that caused an immense amount of adrenaline to run through my body. At times, it made my knees weak with terror and caused severe panic attacks. Sometimes I felt so uncomfortable that I wanted to jump out of my skin and run away, screaming.  

The only thing that calmed me down was liquor. I started drinking when I was 14 years old, and by the time I turned 21, I had become a functional alcoholic. When the anxiety was at its worst, I drank until I blacked out.

I only have a few, hazy memories of Christmas growing up. Same with my birthdays. As far as Thanksgiving, I have absolutely no recall of ever sitting down for a meal with my mom and whoever she happened to be married to, or dating, at the time. The only “memory” I do have is my annoyance at her for refusing to make turkey. Mom liked ham, so that’s what we ate. I believe that we must have eaten a Thanksgiving meal together at some point, but, again, whatever memories I had have long been buried.  Did I get a break from the abuse during the holidays? I doubt it. 

As for me, even though I made Christmas special for my kids, the holiday felt like an intrusion in my life. My work slowed down considerably, and that was hard on me. Even though I should have taken that time to relax, I was unable. Needing to be occupied, I had no idea what to do with that extra time. I was miserable having so many days of unstructured time; I bounced off the walls with anxiety and depression as nervous adrenaline flowed through my body.

Another thing I wasn’t comfortable with was receiving gifts. If a friend happened to give me a present that I wasn’t expecting, although I appreciated the thought, it made me very uneasy. Deep down, I didn’t feel worthy of that kindness. I discouraged my kids and husband from giving me gifts. All I wanted was for the holidays to be over.

I admit that, over the years, I have often felt jealousy and envy when my friends shared with me their holiday plans–especially if it meant they were getting together with their extended family. We moved several times when I was growing up, and I didn’t get to know my relatives very well. That is a loss I have felt deeply throughout my life. Even though I have reconnected with some of my family members over the years, our communication is sporadic because we don’t have much of a history, and we live in different states.

A couple of weeks ago, a dear friend sent me a package in the mail. In it were two beautifully wrapped Christmas gifts that I hadn’t been expecting. My first impulse was to open them immediately, but suddenly a thought occurred to me. Why don’t I save these for Christmas, so I have something to open?  Start a new tradition! FOR ME.  

I have a silk tree in my family room that’s wrapped in small white lights. I keep the lights on year-round, and they provide a nice ambience that comforts my nervous system. It also makes a good little Christmas tree, and that’s where I put the gifts. Now, every time I look at them, I feel a little thrill of excitement. 

I even told my adult son that I want to trade gifts with him. He usually buys me something every year, but he doesn’t wrap it. I asked him to please wrap my gift this year, so I have something to open.

My son then asked me to give him some ideas of what I wanted, and of course, my mind went to what I need.  I’m on disability, so “needs” can quickly overwhelm my budget. 

After giving his question some thought, I said, “Surprise me!”

I have no idea what my future holds, but one thing is certain:  I am determined to find the Christmas I never had! We deserve to enjoy things like holidays and time with family. I did my best to make a good Christmas for my family, and now it’s time for me to have that pleasure. This is only the start!

Photo by Mourad Saadi on Unsplash

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.