Surely this rigid mindset must serve a purpose, right? You bet it does. It’s a coping mechanism, and like an octopus, it has many arms. If, as a child growing up in a highly dysfunctional home, you learned to see the world as all good or all bad, it’s easier to overlook the “bad” parts of your parents and/or your experiences by hyper-focusing on the “good.” Likewise, if you see the world as an inherently scary place, your deeply rooted belief that the other shoe is always about to drop gives you a sense of control. Anticipating that bad things will always happen offers a semblance of stability and predictability in the absence of all other truly stable forces. This all-or-nothing kind of thinking also allows us to diminish painful experiences by minimizing them to the point of invisibility. In the same vein, but on the other hand, it may also allow us to mentally magnify other experiences, thoughts, or beliefs to the point where they are blown far out of proportion.
Essentially, in approaching life this way, we repeatedly build a case against the world…without hard evidence
Essentially, in approaching life this way, we repeatedly build a case against the world…without hard evidence. This may manifest as “mind-reading,” where we convince ourselves that we can forecast the actions and thoughts of others. This plays out in the form of intrusive thoughts that sound like: “I just know he’s going to leave me,” and “She’s just pretending to be my friend.” Often, we decide the outcomes of events and interactions before anything has even been initiated. This sounds like: “There’s no point in talking to them…they’re going to hate me.” Likewise, we place limits on ourselves before external forces have the opportunity to do so. We may, for example, talk ourselves out of pursuing opportunities related to jobs, education, friendships, and everything else under the sun that has the power to enrich our lives. It sounds something like, “There’s no point applying for that job…they’re not looking for someone like me.” By framing the world as a bad place that we need to constantly defend ourselves against and by minimizing ourselves, we rob ourselves of the opportunity to break free of past traumas. When we lean into assumptions based on our past experiences, we are letting the past define our future. So how do we free ourselves from this trap? The simple answer is WORDS.
Of all the things I have learned from my therapist, I especially value her lessons about the power of “and.” A lover of words, I pay close attention to the way people phrase things, and it didn’t take me long to notice that she often uses the word “and” where most people might say “but.” I inadvertently began framing things in this way, and I can attest that this single word can shift the tone of a message. We can place or lift limitations on ourselves with the conjunction we use. “But” carries the suggestion that one way is “wrong,” that something is conditional, and/or that both statements can’t be true. To me, “but” can sometimes cast a degree of judgment, and it can sometimes sound like an excuse. “But” holds us back; “and” pushes us forward. Try replacing “but” with “and” and see what happens.
These days, we hear a lot about the value of having a “growth mindset.” It’s kind of a nauseating little cliché, but I think it’s also annoyingly true. The reality is that if we want to expand our “window of tolerance,” we must embrace the discomfort along the way. And we need to show ourselves some grace. It’s not always easy. Despite conscious efforts to steer myself out of binary thought patterns, a ton of therapy, and lots of self-imposed healing approaches, I still often fall into this mental trap of extremes. And I’m making progress. I simultaneously find myself walking forward and backward, though these days, there are finally more steps ahead than behind me. I’m learning that I can do both. Things can be both good and bad. I can feel happy and sad. I can even grant some of the people who hurt me deeply some grace; although they did “bad” things, they may bear some good traits, even if it is in limited supply.
I think that the mental convergence of polarized thoughts, feelings, and beliefs into a stew of “ands” marks one of the most salient goalposts along the healing journey, which itself is not a linear or binary process. And…we are each on our journey, making progress one step at a time and changing the way we navigate the world one word at a time. Words carry power, and as another wise therapist I know likes to say, “Our narrative becomes our truth.” If we tell ourselves something enough times, we start to believe it. We have been through hell, and we can heal.
Dedicated to M.C., who taught me the language of self-compassion.
Photo by Dave Lowe on Unsplash
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Finally feeling truly alive for the first time in my life, I am writing from a place of gradual healing with an eye to the future and a hope of connecting with others on similar paths. Forced to withhold a tsunami of emotions deemed irrelevant under the roof of my childhood “home,” the blank white pages of my notebooks invited my raw reflections without judgment. Writing allowed me to free the burdens of my soul, but at some point, I muzzled myself. My pen lay dormant for years until, at 41 years old, I experienced a traumatic flashback during an everyday activity that shook me to the core. Five days later, I started writing about the things I had long withheld. I couldn’t stop. Written words have once again become my refuge. I now recognize that these words, resurrected from the ashes of my pain, may have the power to help others. Above all, I want to magnify and share the messages that I have most treasured on my journey: we are not alone and we don’t ever have to go back. This is where we live now and the future is ours.
