The Diamond in My Heart
-Survivor Poem by Jennifer “Kaylene” Carter
If I never accomplished another thing,
Would you still love me?
If I couldn’t live up to the image you see,
Would you claim me?
You set for me standards you never could keep,
An innocent lamb to make into your sheep.
I walked the line between passion and obsession,
Then you pushed me over the edge.
You turned your back when it got too deep.
Surprise! Look at the company you keep.
But now I realize the truth is so sad.
I’ve fallen right into a cycle.
And now my reality’s yours.
You got just what you wanted,
‘cause now I see the pain that I didn’t mean to cause,
Just living my life for the next applause,
A zombie wandering towards the bright lights…
Striving just to impress and forgetting all the rest.
And I have to live with the regret, just like you.
Checkmate…I’m not your pawn anymore.
I just discovered the truth and it’s gonna set me free
From all these lies, all this stress, all these stupid games.
God’s got my back, He’s gonna show me the way,
And I hope I can forgive you for this horror one day.
Now I’ve got to take a break
‘cause the world’s too confusing and I can’t relate
And the only alternative is to keep being fake.
I got overwhelmed by my fear of falling,
Just a little girl trapped on a ledge,
And I let all those sad people hurt me
Because if I had the guts I’d have done it myself.
Thanks to you, that’s what I thought I deserved.
I didn’t accept it, I embraced it with a smile.
And when things got worse, I cowered and thought,
“Guess I’ll put up with this for a while.”
It all seems normal compared to the hell you put me through.
I can’t imagine what functional feels like,
Because for someone to want to love me for real
seemed too good to be true
and I’d dive for dear life behind one of my walls.
Now I’ve got to do what I’ve got to do,
take responsibility for my actions,
what have I got to lose? Everything!
But the one thing I will gain is respect.
If not from one more soul, at least for myself.
Because I’ve got to love me before I can love someone else.
What a hard lesson learned.
Got to put my heart back on the shelf for a while.
I don’t want to hurt one more soul.
Need to take a step back until I get control of my life,
These insecurities and all these fears.
Try to sort out the truth behind all these years,
So I can do my very best for the one I love the most…
The man I don’t deserve, yet he’ll never let me go,
The one who sees past all the facades and fronts.
No matter how messed up I am, I’m the girl that he wants.
The one who never tried to change me, he just sat back and prayed.
Struggled through every rebellious phase.
Watched the anger, saw the walls, but he stayed the same.
Kept it real and stayed strong, waiting for one sweet day.
Without acknowledgment from me, he held onto his faith in our love.
He’s my angel, my good and perfect gift from above.
The pressure came down for years and years.
As I look back at it all, the turmoil, deceit, and tears.
The realest thing I ever had was my love for him.
A diamond, perfect and priceless,
Unearthed from a trampled on heart.
—This content was created and written by a guest blog contributor. Views expressed in any guest blog contributor post may not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation.