Scenario: You find yourself in a private or business situation where mental and/or physical abuse is the order of the day for a very, very long time. It took you a while but slowly awareness is rising with you that this situation is far from being normal and healthy. You try to make sense of everything that has happened in the past years, what is happening in the present, and, without you wanting it, you feel this fear rising for future events. How in the heck am I going to survive this? Who can I talk to without sounding insane?! Will they believe me? What will be the reprisals when I speak up? After some time you start to surf the internet seeking answers and, perhaps, the right platform to share your story.
After you have dug deep inside yourself and gathered the courage to contact a therapist in your near with the request for help, you receive an automatic email with the message that is beyond any expectation, deplorable! Your email is categorized as ‘spam’!
Receiving such an email literally happened to me last year after contacting a German website that claims to be there for those who are dealing with the manipulations, lies, and delusions of a narcissist on a daily basis. Why did I receive this robotic reply? Perhaps my email signature has caused this. Perhaps it is an electronic error and they don’t know that their system is sending out these kinds of automatic replies. Perhaps the content of my email was too objective, written too much in a clinical form, which made them think that I am nothing more than an ‘attention seeker’. (with an attention seeker I mean someone who has to take the center stage in each situation. Someone who is demanding that all eyes have to be on him or her. And if not, they put up a dramatic show to bring the attention back to them)
Either way, receiving an email containing the message that your story is not to be found credible is far from what you want to read and, can create an incredibly deep dent in one’s self-confidence. These kinds of robotic reactions, intended or not, do have the power of creating another psychological blow, a new invisible injury people can add to the ones they already have gathered over time. It shows that some, who are practicing in the field of modern psychology, have yet to take the journey through the mind of those who have a strong sense of ‘self’ and are able to use ‘reflective thinking’.
Now, it is very easy to criticize people and only pinpoint in a negative direction saying, “You are doing it wrong!” But let’s be honest, it is often very difficult recognizing the difference between someone who is voicing his/her thoughts and emotions spawned from a real trauma experienced and, the fantasies (perhaps gathered from watching too many movies or, heard from others speaking about their experiences) of someone who is only seeking the attention for the wrong purposes.
What has even a higher level of difficulty is, detecting the moment a master manipulator (e.g. a narcissist) is providing you the right material for you to believe their delusional mind and become their prop. These, and many more, ‘ingredients’ are inside that person but you don’t necessarily see it right upfront. These individuals can cover up their true intentions for quite some time when they engage with people. But, sooner or later, you will find out that those characteristics have been there for the duration. And so you are over there thinking why didn’t I see it?
So, how can we determine the foggy line between what is ‘real’ and what is downright a mirrored behavior? Straightforward, those who are truly dealing with the nasty effects of PTSD and/or CPTSD will speak with you about possibilities while recalling the event(s) and use reflective thinking. Those who are wearing the ‘victim badge’ will speak to you with what they believe are facts while blaming and criticizing others for everything that has gone wrong in their life.
What is real and what is not
Personally, I think that the secret is recognizing the difference between those who are living in an altered reality and those who are truly dealing with and trying to overcome, the effects of PTSD and CPTSD lies in their body language.
Unfortunately, many therapists have, over time, developed this narrowness that is setting the scene for them not looking to reality. Most therapists are looking for or triggered by, the behaviors they are most familiar with and fit their pre-opinion on how one should behave according to the outdated literature. This makes a therapist an easy target to become a prop for anyone who is only seeking an opportunity to collect data and perfecting their ‘victim badge’.
So, how to make a distinction between what is real and what is not? The ‘reality’ in this matter lies with those who don’t prefer any attention to what looks like them being pet as a puppy. 9 out of 10 times this makes them feel uncomfortable and not taken seriously. Also, even when their voice might tremble from time to time, these people, when given the time, (not to be confused with an awkward silence) are capable of voicing their thoughts and emotions about what they have experienced or, are still experiencing. They analyze why and how their own mind is processing the information stored (self-reflection). They want to make sense of the situation or situations but get slightly confused due to the fact that their thoughts are swirling in circles. Like with the Ouroboros, there is no end and there is no beginning. And so, it feels like the situation is unsolvable or, on the edge of escalating (PRE-Traumatic-Stress).
With ‘non-reality’ I mean, those people who are master manipulators (with narcissism for instance). They manipulate people’s minds in order to have control over their victim’s behavior which is in many cases no illusion at all. Their fantasies are truly creating victims. These people, living in their altered reality, are seeking attention for their fake narratives and they don’t care who or what they have to trample on to gain this.
There is a whole category of those who are only seeking attention but, in a nutshell, they are making things up to suit their narratives like copying the well-known and familiar behaviors accompanied with PTSD and CPTSD. Most will, on their own accord, propose to the therapist to prescribe the medication(s) only to show the packages, with a smile, to anyone who is willing to listen with empathy. This empathy is, unfortunately, supporting their narrative and thus are, in their mind, justified in criticizing and belittling anyone who has question marks about why they are so proud of having a small pharmacy. “I know that you don’t care about me, you never did! Luckily others do!”
A different approach requires experience
Experience (noun)
- practical contact with and observation of facts or events.
- an event or occurrence which leaves an impression on someone.
Let me stir up your emotions and perhaps kill your weekend for a brief moment…even though you, as a therapist, might have, say, two decades of practice experiences working with people who are dealing with the after-effects of a traumatic event, your knowledge, with all due respect, will only scrape the surface when your client is a 1st responder.
Now, don’t get me wrong, you should not throw your training and knowledge in the trashcan right away. Your years of experience are working perfectly for many. What I am saying is, at the moment a 1st responder is sitting across you it is very easy to look out for obvious behaviours like the low lows, the high highs, and the eerie silences. But have you ever looked for the ‘invisible’ stressors that is triggering their ‘out-of-the-ordinary’ behavior?
Let me give you an example of these invisible stressors that might sound a bit of a strange comparison. Imagine a dog, any dog…it is a loyal and playful animal that is sleeping on the sofa while you watch a movie, read a book, or work behind your laptop. Then, suddenly, it jumps up, its ears are standing up straight and its eyes are focused on the door. The dog is sniffing a tricky situation, perhaps a dangerous one. Within a few seconds, its behavior has changed dramatically. Its gaze is rigid and sharp and the playfulness has transformed into an almost intense calmness. When observing this behavior, many will recognize it as an aggressive warning…one wrong move and the dog might attack.
This is similar to 1st responders in general. I mean, at the moment a police officer, for instance, finds him/herself in a situation in which he/she needs to focus on his/her surrounding, similar alertness can be observed.
By means of the therapist not having enough experience(s) with the invisible stressors triggering this alertness with a 1st responder (including their mindset), he/she will meet with the difficulty of understanding them suddenly focusing this visible. The therapist might experience this as a form of aggression or, distancing (creating borders) that, according to outdated literature, should be broken in order for the client’s mind to start healing from the traumatic event(s).
Thinking that this is aggression or distancing, which is not the case, the therapist will change his/her behavior what, in most cases, will, unlike many civilians, push the police officer (in this example) away simply because he/she is trained to read and respond to the changes in both human body language and the intonations in one’s voice.
Did you see the stressor that has triggered the police officer to convert his/her behavior from being willing to talk to observing a potentially suspicious situation? It was the subtle change in the therapist’s body language, intonation…even the eyes can be a trigger.
So, how to work with 1st responders and, avoid these kinds of situations as much as you can? As I mentioned in my previous articles, I was a cop myself therefore, from my personal point of view, I think that a therapist who is working with 1st responders, should not be afraid of explaining why his/her behavior has changed that suddenly. Be honest about what is going on. Not only will it reduce the alertness, but it will also build a stronger relationship between the therapist and the 1st responders.
How do you reach them?
It is very easy to generalize the human mind and thus the thoughts and behaviours spawn from a traumatic event. But working with e.g. police officers, paramedics, firefighters, military personnel, recognizing and understanding their body language is not sufficient.
Many therapists don’t include the fact that 1st responders are, in many cases, psychologists themselves due to the fact they are not only dealing with blood-thirsty perpetrators but also with victims. This way of thinking, and thus the accompanied behaviour, is, and I don’t mean this in disdain, seen less with civilians. Meaning, 1st responders have a strong sense of ‘self’ which makes them view/experience many situations from a clinical/professional point of view and are therefore less likely to crawl into a corner, publicly.
For example, recently I spoke with a young German soldier (21) who, from my perspective, showed an ‘out-of-place’ behavior early in the evening. By this I mean, he showed an odd way of avoidance when political topics were discussed. This drew my attention and so, I observed this young soldier and listen to what he was not saying. It quickly became clear to me that he had, during the last months, made a connection between political powers and the impending war in Ukraine.
During our conversation later that evening he said and I quote, “I don’t know if my colleagues are feeling the same but if they do, they are hiding it very well. I don’t show it to my girlfriend but, I am terrified. I might be, in a couple of weeks, at the front-line and die in a war that’s not even mine! I am fucking 21 man! I wish there was someone who could take away this fear.” Suddenly the movie “Good morning Vietnam” came to mind.
Although it might sound all very logical because no one wants to die let alone under horrifying conditions as such, a ‘confession’ as such – it takes a lot of courage to drop your guard, even for a few minutes – has no other direction to travel than straight through the heart. Still, there is this one thing many forget is happening with this 21-year-old soldier, perhaps even dismissing its reality because nothing had happened yet. God forbid that it will but, when the moment arrives this war is the fact, he, like many of his colleagues, will go into combat traumatized.
PRE-Traumatic Stress Disorder (an anticipatory type of stress that mirrors post-traumatic stress disorder in its symptoms. In both cases, someone can experience flashbacks, nightmares, severe anxiety, and obsessively thinking about an event) this is not an official psychological disorder in the DSM-5 but, looking into the eyes of this young soldier while speaking these words, one can only disagree with this Manual of psychological Disorders.
Night terrors and PRE-TSD are scary but normal
Flashbacks, nightmares, anxieties, and/or not being able to remove the thoughts of a ‘pre’ or ‘post-traumatic’ event from your mind, is a normal process when the images have become your demons. Scary demons spawn from unusual moments.
Let’s place these very, very unpleasant images, thoughts, and emotions at the moment your mind is in a dream-state, under a magnifying glass. In other words, the fragile moment when you are asleep and your brain has the freedom to process everything in its own particular way. You ‘viewing’ any ‘pre’ or ‘post’ situation in your dreams, is logical and perfectly healthy. And even though some psychologists label these bizarre and surrealistic objects created by your mind as a form of Gestalt-processing, it simply speaks of you having a strong and stable mind. Your brain is doing its job in processing the information absorbed…even the scary data.
I think this is what we see happening with military personnel, police officers, medical staff, who have/had to deal with those situations most people do not have to experience this frequently. I think that a form of emotional distancing is speaking of a healthy mind simply trying to survive. Unfortunately, there are people who have difficulties with processing it all…perhaps, and I saying this with caution, they have not learned how to express their emotions with words (spoken and/or written). I think that at the moment one has learned this ability to use words instead of actions, to express him/herself, the image or situation viewed becomes more logical and thus easier to process.
This, in my opinion, are exactly what these dreams are, a follow-up after witnessing a traumatic event. Your dreams are the remnants of what you have already processed on a consciousness level. It is just your mind smoothing up your memory by…um well, kicking out the last bit of nasty things. And yes, these moments are pretty intense.
For example, I once saw, in a dream, a bright flash and heard a loud bang. I woke up in a sweat. My heartbeat was sky-high because I was convinced I was shot. I literally checked myself for bullet holes and blood, that vivid it was to me. Another time I woke up in full panic screaming “It’s not real, it’s not real!”. I cannot remember what the images were in my dream for me to wake up in this panicked state. But I do remember viewing my bedroom as if I was in a B&W movie from the 40ths.
Anyway, I fully understand how these terrifying dreams can have a particular grip on you. But, as soon as you find yourself analyzing and voicing your dreams with awareness, you have learned how to work with your subconsciousness and thus understand how to take the time to digest and break down the information absorbed.
And so, it is of huge importance for modern psychology not to stick to the well-known behaviors and lump people’s reactions onto one pile but to understand and recognize the differences between what is real and what is not. Because, when the non-reality is observed but, for whatever reason, is kept silent, it destroys the path for those who are truly fighting the demons spawn from (pre) trauma.
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