I awake from the nightmare of my father stalking me in my dreams once again. He wants to invade me physically and mentally to satisfy whatever sick loop of thinking that churns in his mind. If I hadn’t blocked these experiences almost entirely with a dissociative identity response, I don’t know where my mental health would be. Knowing he constantly looked for opportunities to hurt me and use me for his own pleasure haunts me at times.

It has affected all my relationships and has colored my thinking and responses to my environment for my entire life. I’m immensely relieved I don’t remember the actual incidents and I’m so grateful to my brain for sparring me from these injustices. I do know that spiritually I was assisted to survive. Why? Because I had the inner strength to bear what happened to me and the urge to understand why it happened. And I’m compelled to write about it to help myself and others.

I AM Here

I am here, against all odds, a healthy adult who isn’t addicted, who has a functioning family with a loving husband, great friends, and healthy, happy adult children. I beat the odds, but it takes so much effort on my part to protect and nurture my mental health.

Do the work for yourself because it’s worth it. I’m writing this article which helps expel the demons after these kinds of dreams. I also wrote two psychological thriller books based on my childhood to help myself and others recognize the type of abuse we’ve endured and the behaviors it drives. The books also show how my intent for a better life is the biggest reason why I didn’t fall into the dysfunctional family cycle. I also promised myself I would be financially independent to ensure I could live my life on my own terms. If you’re financially dependent on someone it’s hard to live life on your own terms.

Don’t be afraid to feel your feelings, write them down, talk them out, and let them go. Live the best possible life for yourself. Don’t let your past or current circumstances defeat you. Your life can change with your mindset.

Figure It Out

I used to have nightmares a lot when I was younger, but they have lessened with therapy and depression medication. I’m on a new medication and I think it may be the cause of the nightmares resurfacing. Or it could be another layer of healing is occurring. I’m not sure, but I will figure it out. It’s what I do.

The first thing I did when I woke up from the nightmare was to tell my husband and let him comfort me for a bit. Right after that, I got up and worked out for 30 minutes. Movement really helps the mind and the body. It’s a daily practice for me.

I’ve also learned to redirect my thoughts when they go down a negative path. Be aware of your mental chatter, all too often it is negative and defeating.

The healing journey doesn’t end. I strive to know and understand myself. I also understand what drove my parents’ behavior. Understanding does help you let it go. My parents had many demons they didn’t heal from, and it shows. My father committed suicide and my mother attempted it. I don’t want to say they did their best; I think that statement gives them more credit than they deserve. My parents did what they could in their own time.

Now we know so much more about what can be done to heal. It may sound like I’m really struggling, but I’m spewing the ugliness I feel into words to let it go. I release this ugliness because it doesn’t belong to me. I’m not the cause. Words and actions are powerful.

I also write to educate others who’ve had similar experiences. I have a daily practice of exercise, meditation, and prayer. I constantly redirect my thoughts to live in the now and not focus on my past bad experiences. I work on my mental health like it’s my job. I want you to do the same.

I’m sending you big hugs, love, and intent for your own healing journey.


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