Denial was a key component of my toxic family system. I could feel that big fat elephant in the middle of the living room. Most often, I chose to tip-toe around it. As an empath, I could clearly feel the tangible reality of the insidious storyline the denial would create. Speaking up and naming the truth could lead to a fierce punishment. I refrained from poking a hole through the denial’s dense cloak in exchange for some faulty sense of safety through allegiance. Mind-fluffing screams of “you’re crazy,” “you’re making up stories,” or “you lying son of a *itch” would come flooding my way in spewing torrents if I didn’t obey.
Denying the problems within my toxic family system while rationalizing, making excuses, or deceiving myself was what I ultimately was programmed into believing. And when fidelity to denial became my mantra, it helped me to fit into that broken system, sometimes.
It also gnawed at my own sense of sanity, self-worth, and mental well-being. Secrets were sealed into place with emotions askew, beaten into submission, and placed into some ancient ancestral closet, never to see the light.
My body is often my key to decoding the denial scenario
The learned coping tool of denial transferred into my adult life. Though it did give me time to process my emotions, it mostly has led me to behaviors I saw demonstrated while growing up, addictions, and being locked into relationships and work scenarios well past their expiration date.
Seeing through denial by surrendering the pretending and bravely calling circumstances as I see, feel, and hear them with a calm, level, and non-judgemental grounding is more often my unshakeable reality now. My body is often my key to decoding the denial scenario.
Shallow breathing, a dry mouth and feeling heat in my face or ears or sometimes a bone chilling cold all over my body are a few of the somatic alarm bells. I’m able to give myself the space to believe in myself, trust what I sense, give my body the credit due and honor by exiting the circumstance if I’m not able to instantly address the pretending, placating or excuses that often come up around unhealthy denial.
Processing the circumstance with a trusted friend, professional, or by writing is helpful, and then choosing whether or not I want to confront the situation are my next steps. This reprogrammed and learned behavior is leading me to authentic security, safety and a semblance of true value and self-worth from the inside out.
Denial is just one sign of many in a toxic family system. Many of us don’t even realize we’ve grown up amongst dysfunctional systems until adulthood and red flags begin to surface similar to those we witnessed in childhood. I’ve created a free, short digital course called Signs of A Toxic Family to help us all work through a few of the signs, remnants, and tools to heal after growing up in a dysfunctional home. Just scroll down to the footer of my website: https://www.susangold.us/, join the email list and receive the free course.
Wishing you well on your journey and please know we are all in this together.
Contributor Susan Gold is an author and transformationalist. After growing up in a toxic family system, she now helps others through similar trauma, leading with heart and love. Her YouTube video posts are at: https://www.youtube.com/@susangoldismagical
Contributor Susan Gold is an author and transformationalist. After growing up in a toxic family system, she now helps others through similar trauma, leading with heart and love. Her YouTube video posts are at: https://www.youtube.com/@susangoldismagical
