I am an estrangement clinician primarily working with parents who are estranged from their adult sons and/or daughters.  My lived experience as an estranged parent is a far greater credential than my degree in psychology and my training as a life coach combined.  Like many clients, I made critical mistakes throughout my children’s lives.  Estrangement is now the price I am paying for those mistakes.  When I stopped berating myself, I grew to “make my mess my message” (in the words of the co-host of Good Morning America, Robin Roberts) or turn my pain into a purpose.

My clients range in age from approximately 20 to 90, and they consist of parents, grandparents, sons, and daughters who are all trying to navigate estrangement.  Several clients have peaceful relationships with their adult sons and daughters, but they work with me to improve those bonds.  Although my observations are aimed at supporting estranged parents, they can apply to any difficult relationship.

Observation #2: Persistent childhood loneliness manifests itself in adulthood and becomes a major catalyst for some parents’ estrangement from their adult sons and daughters.

Loneliness has taken center stage since COVID-19 as a national health issue.  Loneliness is also a major characteristic of many of the estranged parents with whom I work.  My clients provide me with an overview of their childhoods including the traumas that are forever branded into their psyche.  For many, one of these traumas is chronic loneliness that begins in early childhood and becomes the mental infrastructure for how to parent and for subsequent emotional triggers.

Loneliness is defined by the National Institute of Health (NIH) as a “distressing feeling that accompanies the perception that one’s social needs are not being met by the quantity or especially the quality of one’s social relationships” (Marinello).  It is this experience of loneliness that resonates most with my clients.  Here are some examples from the work entitled, 36 Absolutely Heartbreaking Quotes about Loneliness (36):

Loneliness is never more cruel than when it is felt in close propinquity [proximity] with someone who has ceased to communicate.

Loneliness is my least favorite thing about life. The thing that I’m most worried about is just being alone without anybody to care for or someone who will care for me.

Loneliness is about the scariest thing out there.

I created an Estrangement Algorithm℠ that I use with my clients to trace back to all the traumas they can remember and wish to share.  The Estrangement Algorithm℠ can also be described as a trauma journey that uncovers invaluable information connected directly to parenting behaviors.  During the trauma journey, clients typically recall a deep sense of aloneness even in the company of family.  Some report they reexperienced loneliness, which could be tasted. It was a loneliness that could hear deafening silence.  It was a loneliness that could be observed.  It was a loneliness that was so palpable that one could touch it.  It was a loneliness that became part of one’s nervous system and remains deeply embedded.

Based upon my experience as a practitioner, I define loneliness as an excruciatingly painful condition characterized by an insatiable feeling throughout the body, mind, and soul that you belong to no one, not even yourself, and no one belongs to you.

Using the Estrangement Algorithm℠, I pose a series of questions to my clients including:

• What is your earliest memory of loneliness?
• What are some of the ways you coped with feeling lonely?
• What is your earliest memory of wanting children?
• Why did you want to have children?

These questions have delivered a great deal of insight into the minds of the lonely parents as patterns began to emerge primarily for the mothers.  First, the mothers began to talk about the intense feelings of being alone in the presence of family, friends, and others.  The intensity varied with the situation, but the emptiness remained whether at school, at home, or attending a birthday party.  Second, they longed to become mothers when they got older.  Ultimately, having children was an enduring life goal that overshadowed any other life goals, including finding the right mate.

Third, these mothers were asked why they wanted to have children, and the responses were consistent, captivating, and enlightening.   These lonely parents admitted to having children mainly to fill the cavernous void that existed from within.  In other words, these mothers did not decide to have children in order to nurture beings for the greater good or to create a nurturing family unit.  In general, estranged mothers admitted to having children for the main but not sole purpose of “never being alone.” 

A common grievance of estranged adult sons and daughters during childhood is that they feel unheard, unseen, invalidated, and/or unloved.  I have found that many parents come to realize that they capriciously married and became pregnant in order to pacify an unmet need from their own childhood unconsciously.  Therefore, the child becomes the OBJECT or tool meant to achieve the parents’ unsatisfied needs.  This results in a child whose feelings, needs, and identity are neglected, devalued, and disregarded.  Ultimately, this series of events during childhood unknowingly sets the stage for the eventual estrangement that occurs later in life.

Although this data is observational only, it has informed how I use the Estrangement Algorithm℠ and serve my clients.  The presence of incurable loneliness in the field of estrangement requires further investigation.  However, there are ways for clinicians and clients to make use of the current information.

What Parents Can Do

1. Rather than doing the work independently, seek a coach, counselor, or therapist trained in trauma and estrangement.
2. Work with a coach, counselor, or therapist to decide whether the knowledge gained will inform the internal work needed to improve one’s relationship with oneself.
3. Work with a coach, counselor, or therapist to decide whether or not the knowledge learned will inform the repair work needed for the relationship with an estranged adult son or daughter.
4. Begin to see the estrangement through a trauma-informed perspective based on self-understanding, self-love, and self-forgiveness.

Photo by Noah Silliman on Unsplash

Acknowledgments

Editor, Barbara Greenspan, Psy.D.

Works Cited

“36 Absolutely Heartbreaking Quotes about Loneliness.” Thought Catalog, Thought Catalog, 16 Mar. 2015, thoughtcatalog.com/lorenzo-jensen-iii/2015/03/36-absolutely-heartbreaking-quotes-about-loneliness/.

Marinello, Paul Michael. “Loneliness – Silent Stalker (Part 1) | CPTSDfoundation.org.” CPTSD, 11 Mar. 2024, cptsdfoundation.org/2024/03/11/loneliness-silent-stalker-part-1/. Accessed 1 Apr. 2024.

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Lynn 18

Lynn is an estrangement clinician, an experienced college professor, and a state-certified school
administrator with a wealth of complementary experience in all three sectors. As CEO of Time
2 Thrive, LLC, Lynn founded the minority-owned small business to address the emotional and
psychological needs of adults, especially in the area of family estrangement. Lynn describes
herself as a coach who offers warmth, encouragement, and honesty with trust as the relational
foundation. She begins with a strength-based approach that highlights the assets one already
possesses and demonstrates.