From where do I come, and what do my own eyes see, and perceive in my world? Let us be clear: it is a personal choice for individuals to awaken from their societal slumber and commit to doing the right thing, a decision made consciously to become a better person. That’s all; a personal decision.
Breaking the bondage of self-hate, and self-despair
Many of us develop an orientation to being internally lost from a sense of grounding, as to who we are. Relax about that thought and listen. What is the right way to act in the presence of our peers and others who also may be completely lost in life themselves? We can become easily lost and confused, essentially trapped in a matrix of in-the-moment rash, impulsive behavior. For God’s sake, this is normal behavior for those growing up in a stressful or abusive environment. This is not the end of the world for you if it happens to pertain to you. Do you think multitudes of others are not unsure of themselves deep down? We may find ourselves feeling if we don’t do the wrong thing others will ridicule us for being a goody-goody. Heaven forbid! My god, a conscientious decent, thoughtful person! Help! Run for the hills!
To be unaware of our own lazy and immature behavior isn’t a crime
Many of us had a poor role model growing up, a person who taught us some bad values and behaviors. Or perhaps our idolized peers behave as if we should be disrespectful to others too. Learning to do the right thing becomes a conscientious choice, a simple habit. Example: not picking up some trash you threw on the ground and walked away. Stop and think about this. If everyone did this our world would become a complete eyesore. Do you think someone else should pick up your trash? Well, they don’t want to any more than you do, but many people will pick it up for you. Because they are fools? No, because it needs picking up. It is being responsible and having learned to care for the environment we all live in. It is growing up and waking up; it is becoming a thoughtful and responsible person. It is a person who is developing a sense of personal dignity and self-respect. We all have room to grow and develop as we mature. To be unaware of our own lazy and immature behavior isn’t a crime. It doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you. Do you think I or multitudes of others haven’t done the same thing? Relax, you are human. Not a big thing… you are now aware that it is your responsibility to pick up your own trash. Easy right? Personal responsibility is easy. Deep down you know what is the right thing to do, right? But we resent being told what to do. Now, isn’t that right? I know I do.
A personal format for self-change… to become what, different? These are the traits of a hero, a person growing, becoming new, a reborn ADULT. It is a change in consciousness, from the old, the norm as we’ve learned, to the new, a character in development and transition that you can be proud of. It can be done and achieved. It is nothing more than a blueprint or a recipe for cooking a new you in attitude and self-pride. Stepping out of the immoral and looking to awaken, reborn into a man or a woman with personal integrity. A changed consciousness, or view of the world. Our moment’s consciousness, or state of mind, is what guides us. When we learn to become one that follows the new path of honor, our consciousness becomes what guides us and who we are. We become proud of ourselves by seeing with new eyes who we have become. We worked the change, not because someone demeaned us but because we, on our own, wanted to become a better person. Not from coercion outside by others, but by a deep hunger within to make a change to heal our pain and struggle.
To help bring some light to this change, let’s look at some definitions. Each of these terms has its separate definition, but often to behave in a way that breaks your intent to grow and change into a better, stronger person, you act out of accordance with several traits simultaneously.
Honesty
To live outside the boundaries of honest self-expression and truthfulness is to HIDE. Why? Because your real thoughts and intent are hidden. I found a football once left at a park by someone, a top-quality, expensive leather football. What was the right thing for me to do with it? Nothing. It wasn’t mine. But I became consumed in learned greed to possess it, to claim it as my property. Too bad for them. “Finders keepers losers weepers!” Did you ever hear that childhood saying? Later, I felt bad and realized what I had done. I felt guilt and I broke, all at once, many of my own goals of wanting to strive to become a better and stronger person. If you look down at the list of the terms being defined below, in that one single act of disrespect toward someone else, I broke my vow of growth regarding nearly every defined term on this page.
But it wasn’t the end of me, nor the end of my struggle to change. I simply and sincerely learned from that lesson how wrong and small of me it was to take what wasn’t mine. Awakening to that lesson started me on a new path, an ever-growing strength of determination within to say no to what I know demeans me and makes me feel puny in my own eyes. No one scolded me or threatened to punish or shame me. No one else other than me knew what I did. Thus, this was all my choosing change, because I wanted to be a better, stronger person within, and I did it for me. I didn’t like myself before I strived to change. I felt damaged and was in a world of psychic pain in my life. There was hate within me toward myself. Now I find my new ever-broadening path of becoming a better person; It is a path that leads to personal self-respect. It leads to self-love. I don’t, any longer, look for outside praise for what I did to help rectify an inner torment in this life. I look within at how I have grown and changed, and there I find a sense of self-pride. From Within! A developing sense of self-awareness, a self-monitoring of my good and bad behavior. I am the captain of this ship! Honesty is a key tenant of becoming a better and stronger steward in this life, of me. Not because someone outside of me tells me I should!
Integrity… Standing firm to one’s inner convictions, or beliefs. If it is YOUR belief and not someone else’s or a group’s belief. Being honest to oneself and others as best as you can. Sometimes just holding your tongue from speaking is a good way to maintain your integrity, as opposed to speaking a lie or disrespecting another. Doing what you know is right. If not, then internal shame and a continuance of self-hate return with old familiar pangs of guilt and inner chaos. Life is not fair, but striving toward a truer and more righteous life is a way to ease that pain and suffering inside. And that is what I am concerned about, mine as well as your suffering.
Photo by Road Trip with Raj on Unsplash
Dignity
Acting in a way that is worthy of your character. Being honest and truthful is a dignified trait. To act with dignity toward oneself, by being authentic. To stand tall, acting upon what YOUR convictions are is to behave in a dignified way. To be dignified. To know yourself, taking a path of truth and personal honor in the expression of yourself with respect toward others.
Honor… a man or woman of honor, a self-respecting individual with integrity and dignity, to be true, honest, and fair, to be distinguished as a respected individual, and to hold the same esteem toward another who stands tall with the power of justice for others and oneself. I give you my word of honor… to stand proud in knowing your word is your bond among men.
Bravery
I think it is not clearly understood, how the individual acts of bravery are key elements in achieving and sustaining a strong society, as well as self. It is when fear and the meekness of individuals among the masses cause a loss of courage to stand tall and do what is right, this is when society collapses from within. As individuals, it is our responsibility to mend a path in life that strives to develop a sense of personal power or agency by acting bravely in the expression of self… being authentic to who you truly are inside. That is our journey, to come to know ourselves and with daring, express ourselves freely. That takes courage, and courage, or bravery is in short supply among us humans. That is to say, being openly authentic is not easy.
Respect… Respect is to act with esteem and positive regard for oneself, and to give that personal honor and esteem (kindness) to others in the world.
Perhaps we just all shine from different flavors and degrees of pain?
Changing and becoming a new you is something that deserves respect. Not that your prior self didn’t deserve respect as a human being, but we disrespected ourselves as well as others before our change. And others at the receiving end of our self-degradation did not deserve our contempt and scorn. Our expression of scorn and hatred was our inner damaged self, lashing out our inner pain upon another. We found them contemptible or unacceptable because we couldn’t dare look and see the mirror of the world and others, was our mirror, inverted, shining our self-contempt upon our consciousness. We saw in others what was so painful to see in ourselves. This is a truth of human psychology, projection.
Self-Respect… and more keen respect for all people, even and especially those who suffer immensely. Do not blame others for their condition any more than you blame yourself for your own. Understand they may be damaged and suffering, and perhaps their eyes do not see, as their consciousness is reacting to their inner buried pain, but they are suffering souls as are we all. Perhaps we just all shine from different flavors and degrees of pain?
See how these terms above interrelate to one another? To break your code of honor, personal integrity, or self-respect… honesty, works against, YOURSELF. It simultaneously tramples on all the realms of the pillars upon which your new developing identity is based. To disrespect ourselves, by dishonoring or belittling someone else causes us to feel the pangs of shame and guilt. To feel shameful is a powerful emotional tool that tells us we have gone against our inner pledge of being a new man, or woman. I might have said, to have sinned, but as I see it, there again is another SHOULD coming from the outside trying to guilt us for not being obedient to them, to others outside of us. It is OUR inner journey that we are driving to become someone new that we can finally respect and grow to love! ( read that again) If we don’t find, claim, and honor self-love, we are destined to live that life of inner turmoil. There is no way around this: as we gain and develop self-love overtaking the inner state of suffering we have known, we come to love others as our brothers and sisters. Authentic love begets love.
Heal yourself
Become that stronger person you want to be, grow, develop, change. Find your honor, honesty, and self-respect in this life. Stand apart from the crowd of secretly suffering others, do what you know is right, and do it for no one but yourself. It is wise to seek guidance on this path toward personal change and development if you are stuck in unlocking avenues that seem blocked and insurmountable without help. I’ve been there. There is no shame in risking to trust someone telling them you need help. I’ve spoken of bravery missing in our society. I say this with no trepidation, it takes an unbelievable amount of courage to reach out to another and say, “I need help!” God bless you for showing such strength and courage in seeking change.
Photo by Heather Ford on Unsplash
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** Copyright notice. All of my writings are copyrighted and registered with the Library of Congress.
- My name is Jesse Donahue. In 2015, at the age of 58, I took up writing, and since then I’ve written two novels, poems, and essays about my journey struggling with CPTSD. The essays, 70+, were an adjunct to journaling in therapy to amplify my learning and self-understanding.
My writings, which include therapy notes, poems, novels, and essays, are all a part of my ongoing personal therapy. Many of my essays are in a stream-of-consciousness style, unleashing, sharing, and delving into energies that continuously process in my subconscious. My writings, initially, geared for me and my therapist’s eyes only, began with my exposing my thoughts, fears, and feelings (or the lack of) onto paper… a journal of therapy notes. Then, with fear overcome and via a personal decision of choice, I shared them here with the readers. My essays, most all, originate from my weekly therapy notes. My intent and desire is to encourage readers to recognize traits in themselves and find a therapist if they are willing and able to do so. If you are in therapy, ask your therapist to read them and discuss what pertains to you. For some, it can be a long and difficult process over extensive periods to awaken to the unconscious issues that have us acting out in life. Our behavior can seem like dancing to a buried, invisible energy that we are not able to directly see or confront. It is my sincere hope that my insights will assist the reader in the process toward reaching a deeper self-understanding. Bringing the unconscious out into the light of self-awareness, understanding, and acceptance fosters self-love and the process of change.
My published writings with the CPTSD foundation: The Hidden Bugaboo (*recommended). The Beganning. Twelve Days Without Coffee. Learned Helplessness. Cast Out of Eden by Toxic Shame. The Crumbs and The Banquet. What an Outside Appearance may Not Show. Obedience to the Light – Bombs or Love. Stepping Into the Shoes of Who You Are. Personal Honor, Integrity, Dignity, Honesty. Inspirational Tugging – Teachers. Codependency – Overriding the Monster of Self Hate. Surfing the Light Through the Darkness. We are but Storytellers. A Writer’s Brain – The Gift. The Highway of Worries. The Emptiness of Yesterday. The Man Who Lives Under the Bridge. Living in the Dis-World. SPECTRUM.
