Do you remember the last time you noticed you were glossing over your own needs? 

Like the time you were really tired at work and had a big birthday party to celebrate that evening, and your boss dropped another manual on your desk asking for a synopsis by morning, to which you replied, “Sure.”  

Or when your neighbor asked you to pick him up at the car repair shop for the third time in two weeks, your schedule was jammed, and you said, “Of course.” 

Or when you were asked where you’d like to take out food from, and you said it didn’t really matter, but it did?

Discounting my life, even in small ways, is almost second nature. 

Even after decades of recovery, I still have to remember to count myself in and take note of what I want, need, or desire. It still feels foreign, like I’m stepping over some dangerous, unbreakable line or not worthy in some way of consideration.

In a toxic system, there is very little room for healthy acknowledgment of self

I don’t know about you, but I was always anxiously anticipating the next unknown mood swings from my mom, an object being flung through the air at me when my dad was drunk, or a sibling confusing my reality through triangulation and double talk. And then there were the physical fights I’d attempt to break up by stepping right into the middle of the action.

All of this led me to anticipate others’ needs, keep secrets, walk on eggshells, have a deep need to be perfect, and live from the outside in for recognition. “Hello, can’t you see me? Don’t I count?” I’d scream internally as I was seeking the next external triumph to catch a fleeting accolade.

What I’ve learned as an adult, and after the red flags I swore I’d avoid came up, is that owning the value of my own life has to come from within me.  It doesn’t come from trying to please that old toxic system or the new one I’ve created from the outside in. 

Though I resented it at first, I had to surrender to the fact that I was the one, ultimately, to recognize me—to connect with all that is sacred within—to heal the void of emptiness. I am responsible. As an adult, I have my own life—a beginning, a middle, and an end with dreams and desires that I need to create for myself. It comes from living from the inside out—from valuing life, valuing my own life, and realizing I have one.

Early on, I railed against the idea – “Fluff, they need to pay!” I’d rant to myself or anyone else who may have been willing to listen. “I’m the victim.” “Why do I need to fix all of this?”  It only served to tie me right into that toxic system I’d been looking to escape.

Awakening to this has been painful, yet it’s also led me to a profound sense of freedom. Stopping down to check in with me, realizing I do matter, that I have value and worth, has spun me into a new way of living—living my life—with precious appreciation.

I stop now, take that extra beat, and contemplate. A moment makes all of the difference.  And then I speak up…:

“Thanks for thinking of me for this assignment. I’m not able to deliver in the morning, but I am able to get a synopsis to you by the end of the day tomorrow.”

“I’m glad you thought of me, and I’m so sorry I’m not able to pick you up today, but I happen to have an Uber discount code if you’d like it.”

How about the new Chinese place for takeout? I’ve been wanting to try it out for weeks!”

While remaining flexible and open, there’s nothing like getting to know myself better, treasure my being, and continue building the experiences that will allow me to know I’m safe to live my life freely.

Susan Gold is the author of Toxic Family: Transforming Childhood Trauma into Adult Freedom. She helps others move through trauma from a place of love. For free tools like her course on “Signs of A Toxic Family,” her newsletter, or to have a chat, visit susangold.us, and you may find her latest videos on her Youtube Channel.

Photo by Samuel Ferrara on Unsplash

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Susan Gold

Contributor Susan Gold is an author and transformationalist. After growing up in a toxic family system, she now helps others through similar trauma, leading with heart and love. Her YouTube video posts are at: https://www.youtube.com/@susangoldismagical