By Jesse Donahue 2018 ©
I have heard of the right and left hemispheres of the human brain. Right brain, left brain thinking, a term thrown about by those in the know… which leaves me out. Where do I stand on the condition of the right brain being the creative side… or was that the creative left side? I know, I think, and I know that I envision (to picture mentally), oh yes, and of course, I feel, and I must admit, most especially when I write.
I have written a couple of novels, several short stories, and some poems. One essay was published in a local paper, but I’ve wrestled with the concept of being published (this paper you’re reading was written six years ago). It is as if to have not been published means it was not much of a novel, but that is strictly my negative thinking, isn’t it? I mean, in my case, only one person has seen my manuscript to reject it to this point, and yet, I feel bad that it is a failure.
So, as a ‘want-to-be published writer’ and, at the same time, a lost soul struggling to overcome ‘internalized’ demons from youth
I am also engaged in an ongoing effort to heal myself of a life-long struggle… of simply being. You would think the condition of being would be a simplistic endeavor for us humans. Right? “Just be yourself,” we hear it all the time. So, as a ‘want-to-be published writer’ and, at the same time, a lost soul struggling to overcome ‘internalized’ demons from youth, the concepts of left-brain thinking and right-brain thinking have shown a bright spotlight on my life. The creativity in artistic writing, the creative brain, along with working with the other hemisphere of the brain struggling to learn and conceive psychological concepts in therapy, the analytical mind. The frustrated traveler prays to let there be a melding of the two, right and left.
My ‘conscious mind’ has not been able to piece them together
It has dawned on me that as an aspiring writer (forgive me as I chuckle here to myself), we climb into our imagination’s cockpit, strap in, and take the reins of a spiritual power… the gift. In my witnessing of the picture show playing upon my inner forehead, I am in the driver’s seat. I introject the storyline, I shape the narrative, and I see the beauty as well as the repulsiveness of my characters. In one sense, I am my story characters, or they are me, and in a brilliant display of who I am. At least who my idealized self wants me to be. But alas, in real life, the vast concoction of pieces of characters found in my novels just doesn’t work in real life… not as a solidified awakened conception of self. Who exactly am I? It has been an ongoing struggle for me in therapy. My unconscious mind vomits imaginative bits and pieces here and there of my inner workings, but my ‘conscious mind’ has not been able to piece them together. My unconscious knows who I am… I’m now sure of that.
For one who is a writer, a key strength should be to know as much as you can muster, but of course, in the area of your writing’s focus. In the director’s chair of one’s inner workings, the integration of learned ideas is a powerful aid and phenomenon that occurs when focusing imagination. It is not my imagination by the way it is our imagination. As one who creates, I am just tuning in to the magic that my mind uses. We all have use of it if we learn to harness its power. And what is it that we are harnessing? Well, it would seem the unconscious is an interesting concept, which I think is hard to deny. Here again, an artist would recognize this better than the average bear simply because he/she tends to go there more keenly and more often. Never forget this: the human imagination, emanating and pulsing from the apparent universal unconscious mind (that we share) … cannot differentiate between an imagined experience and an experience that actually happened in our life. We react emotionally to both real and imagined. In fact, to ‘see’ the experience we lived in the past, one must envision it in one’s mind’s eye to relive it… consciously.
One could emotionally, as one does, relive past experiences of our feelings, which can happen without even knowing why and from what we are having these feelings. Again, if you ‘see it’s happening, you are using your imagination. So why does this concept here prompt me to sit down and write out this paper? The two activities that make up my world lately have come together to strike me with a new epiphany. Point blank, plain, and clear: if I envision negative things, like reliving emotionally past traumas, there is no way around it; my unconscious mind’s imagination will be felt and respond ‘emotionally’ to the negativity (and I will reside in the past). I will FEEL and experience the negative emotions ‘viewed’ in my fearful conjuring of negative anticipations, fears, visions, learned ways of thinking… bad things are going to happen, etc. Make sense? OK, there you have it, always fill your mind with positive thinking and positive, imaginative visions, and stay grounded in the present, now moment. What you used to always conceive of as a terrible thing, go to work and ‘imagine’ it is a wonderful, welcomed thing. Wouldn’t it be nice if the world were that easy?
What if it were that easy? Well, in a roundabout sense, perhaps it is that easy. Wow, within this I think is a part of the key to healing… to know positive regard toward oneself, self-love is key to undoing a lifetime of negative soul-crushing potty mouth bullshit. There, I said it, the B word. Our negative moment-to-moment trauma/drama is BS. Sure hurts, but it has no place in our lives anymore. The only thing is, it took years to develop the habit of thinking automatically in negative, self-defeating ways, and now, years, decades later, we ‘feel’ the ongoing impact of our habitual negative way of processing our world and ourselves. These internalized operations are ‘written’ into our unconscious mind, our ‘script’ as it were, almost like a map of how we are going to be feeling. They are established, have become habitual, and are working on autopilot as if they are as natural as the air we breathe…. They simply change to envisioning positive thoughts.
Check this out. As a new writer, it was always a mystery to me seeing how I would become an emotional mess with the ‘drama’ that takes place between my story characters, and it all happened from between my ears. THEY ARE NOT REAL! In my novel, Rich’s Marauders, Delilah is so in love with Nick… but she must hide it, and you FEEL the depths of her emotional want for this man’s love. Isn’t that what a good novel, movie, or story does for us? Via imagination, we FEEL what the story character is feeling (empathy). HOW, for God’s sake? It was all created from nothing in my mind’s eye! It was a complete figment of my imagination, but I lived it, felt it as if… as if it was a real living experience. Individual people are dancing and prancing on the pages of my novel, right? A real experience felt DEEPLY in the deep recesses of the unconscious mind… it took time to learn the negative self-talk that made us fearful, etc., of living… you can’t just flick a switch and turn it off.
The unconscious mind cannot tell the difference between a real experience and a fantasy that you made up
We need to start a new journey in our lives, making a dedicated, conscious effort of intent to ‘work’ at replacing those old ways of thinking. Learn to ‘envision’ with new emotionally activated FANTASIES… designed by us or others. It doesn’t matter but RECLAIM our unconscious mind. That is our new project in life. Become positive in thought, action, imagination, and emotions will have no choice but to respond to your positive visions over time. Remember, the unconscious mind cannot tell the difference between a real experience and a fantasy that you made up. By the laws of nature, the unconscious will come to change with the new behavior and thoughts now acted upon by you. Positive visions… within reason, can change our lives. Even a fake smile put onto your face… is a smile, is a smile, is a smile. The unconscious mind simply feels the smile and emotionally reacts to it. You are a beautiful person just as you are. Every day and in every way, go for the positive. Even if you are convinced it is not true, said enough, envisioned clearly, it will become true… Because the unconscious mind is now at your command and waiting for your input. For God’s sake, make it a deliberate conscious act of being positive. Self-love is a process of becoming. See yourself in the positive that is all. It does not happen overnight, but unfortunately, we are impulsive, want-it-now creatures. Who could blame us for suffering the traumas that many of us do?
When we imagine the negative past in our present moment, “we live in the past moments… now.” Right now, becomes yesterday or tomorrow. That is the mantra of the monks: live in the now, in the present moment, silence the mind’s chatter, it’s endless negative chatter. Yesterday is over, but for the FEAR conjured up in the now moment via the “mind chatter.” Imaginative FEAR takes us away and dissociates us from the moment, ruining a perfectly fine moment’s presence. Learning to quiet the mind, to stay focused on the here and now… that is nature’s organic sedative, in the moment. And why do we need sedatives? Our habitual, learned activity of negativizing the present with fearful imaginings of what happened yesterday and what might happen tomorrow has come to own us and destroy our present happiness. We can find ourselves so easily completely absent from the now as our minds feed the beast of emotional FEAR outside of our awareness. Become aware of your habitual negative thinking, FEARING the past and future into your now emotional presence. It takes practice and lots of it. It took ages for fearful thinking to take over our “automatic mental operations.” It will take time and a determined dedication to change the channel from the past and future to the present.
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** Copyright notice. All of my writings are copyrighted and registered with the Library of Congress.
My name is Jesse Donahue. In 2015, at the age of 58, I took up writing, and since then I’ve written two novels, poems, and essays about my journey struggling with CPTSD. The essays, 50+, were an adjunct to journaling in therapy to amplify my learning and self-understanding.
My writings, which include therapy notes, poems, novels, and essays, are all a part of my ongoing personal therapy. Many of my essays are in a stream-of-consciousness style, unleashing, sharing, and delving into energies that continuously process in my subconscious. My writings, initially, geared for me and my therapist’s eyes only, began with my exposing my thoughts, fears, and feelings (or the lack of) onto paper… a journal of therapy notes. Then, with fear overcome and via a personal decision of choice, I shared them here with the readers. My essays, most all, originate from my weekly therapy notes. My intent and desire is to encourage readers to recognize traits in themselves and find a therapist if they are willing and able to do so. If you are in therapy, ask your therapist to read them and discuss what pertains to you. For some, it can be a long and difficult process over extensive periods to awaken to the unconscious issues that have us acting out in life. Our behavior can seem like dancing to a buried, invisible energy that we are not able to directly see or confront. It is my sincere hope that my insights will assist the reader in the process toward reaching a deeper self-understanding. Bringing the unconscious out into the light of self-awareness, understanding, and acceptance fosters self-love and the process of change.
My published writings with the CPTSD foundation: *The Hidden Bugaboo. The Beganning. Twelve Days Without Coffee. Learned Helplessness. Cast Out of Eden by Toxic Shame. The Crumbs and The Banquet. What an Outside Appearance may Not Show. Obedience to the Light – Bombs or Love. Stepping Into the Shoes of Who You Are. Personal Honor, Integrity, Dignity, Honesty. Inspirational Tugging – Teachers. Codependency – Overriding the Monster of Self Hate. Surfing the Light Through the Darkness. We are but Storytellers. A Writer’s Brain – The Gift. The Highway of Worries. The Emptiness of Yesterday.
