I am an estrangement clinician primarily working with parents who are estranged from their adult sons and/or daughters.  My lived experience as an estranged parent is a far greater credential than my degree in psychology and my training as a life coach combined.  Like many clients, I made critical mistakes throughout my children’s lives.  Estrangement is now the price I am paying for those mistakes.  When I stopped berating myself, I grew to “make my mess my message” (in the words of the co-host of Good Morning America, Robin Roberts) or turn my pain into a purpose.

My clients range in age from approximately 20 to 90, and they consist of parents, grandparents, sons, and daughters who are all trying to navigate estrangement.  Several clients have peaceful relationships with their adult sons and daughters, but they work with me to improve those bonds.  Although my observations are aimed at supporting estranged parents, they can apply to any difficult relationship

Clinical Observation #3: Estranged parents seek to create their adult child’s why, but the only why parents can answer on their own is: Why Did I Parent This Way?           

Estrangement leaves family members trapped in darkness with the feeling that walls are falling down all around them.  When experiencing the physical and emotional devastation, estranged family members often ask themselves the question: How Did This Happen To Me?  But perhaps the most crushing question of all is:  Why did my adult son/daughter do this to me?  So, for weeks, months, and oftentimes years, estranged parents are in desperate search for “the why?” since adult children often do not share their reasons for the cutoff from parents.  In the absence of information, parents are left to speculate in the form of relentless rumination.  However, in the words of estrangement expert and author of Navigating Family Estrangement, Karl Melvin: “It’s not your why to answer” (Karl).   That one statement halted my endeavor to formulate my son’s why and transformed my thinking.  It became clear to me that my attempt to answer this question without his input was futile.  However, the futility piqued my curiosity, which led to the evolution of the other why.

In my practice, I have learned that there is another critical why: Why did I parent my children in the ways in which I did?  This is a why that estranged parents are able to answer with the appropriate tool.  The Estrangement Algorithm℠ (EA) is a personalized approach I developed to help estranged family members understand the complex relational and nonrelational factors from pre-birth through the present that might have led to their estrangements. The EA℠ can assist with finding the answers to the other why (A modified version of the EA℠ template is attached).

An Estrangement Algorithm℠ might include an array of circumstances or factors and can incorporate the work of other researchers.  For example, the first Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) Study was conducted by the Centers for Disease Control and Kaiser Permanente in the mid-1990s.  The original study focused on how traumatic childhood events may negatively impact adult health and inform adult behaviors ultimately impacting how one will parent.  The ACE questionnaire asked participants historical questions about their experiences with childhood maltreatment and family dysfunction in addition to questions about their current health status. The ACE study found a connection between childhood trauma and adult onset of chronic disease, social issues, and employment challenges.  This is why I often refer to the EA℠ as a trauma journey that connects the past to the present estrangement.

The EA℠ also relates to the work of Alex Howard, psychotherapist and author of the book It’s Not Your Fault. The premise of the book is that, as children, we encounter a number of events that can be characterized as trauma (Howard).  According to Howard, “overt traumas being those more obvious things like adverse childhood experiences where we may have had a parent that was physically or sexually abusive, or we may have grown up with a parent that was incarcerated.”  On the other hand, covert traumas are much more subtle, according to Howard. For example, it may be that as parents, we value intellect, achievements, and accomplishments over emotion, sensitivity, and openness. I will add that it appears that an intergenerational lag and dissonance exist between conjoined generations.  In other words, baby boomers were raised based on the former list of societal values, but the millennials they gave birth to were born into a society that fostered the latter set of values.  Perhaps intergeneration lag and dissonance will be the focus of a future article in my series.

Regardless of the specific trauma lens one selects, the Estrangement Algorithm℠ can provide answers to the “other why:” Why did I parent in the way I did?  The EA℠ can include a host of factors, including intergenerational trauma, family history of estrangement, family dysfunction, childhood fantasies, adoption, maladaptive behaviors, mental health issues, or any other events and experiences that keep estranged parents in self-destructive bondage.  Once my clients have identified these factors, and there might be many, perhaps the process of healing can begin.

The use of the EA℠ in my practice has been quite therapeutic.  The EA℠ gives parents answers and insight about themselves when the estranged adult sons and daughters choose to keep their absence from the parents uncommunicated.  The EA℠ is a path for estranged parents to reconnect with themselves and repair an internal bond that was damaged, perhaps as far back as childhood.  In the words of Alex Howard, “Our pain is the gateway to our healing” (Howard), and the Estrangement Algorithm is the gateway through our pain.

ESTRANGEMENT ALGORITHM℠

MODIFIED TEMPLATE

Works Cited

“Adverse Childhood Experiences | National Human Trafficking Training and Technical Assistance       Center.” Nhttac.acf.hhs.gov,   nhttac.acf.hhs.gov/soar/eguide/stop/adverse_childhood_experiences#:~:text=The%20fo     undational%20ACE%20Study%20was.

Howard, Alex. It’s Not Your Fault. Hay House, Inc, 12 Sept. 2023.

Karl Melvin, Speaker.  Estrangement and Letter Writing.  Parents Estranged from Their Adult   Sons/Daughters Support Group.  Greater New Haven, CT.  May 22, 2021

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Lynn 18

Lynn is an estrangement clinician, an experienced college professor, and a state-certified school
administrator with a wealth of complementary experience in all three sectors. As CEO of Time
2 Thrive, LLC, Lynn founded the minority-owned small business to address the emotional and
psychological needs of adults, especially in the area of family estrangement. Lynn describes
herself as a coach who offers warmth, encouragement, and honesty with trust as the relational
foundation. She begins with a strength-based approach that highlights the assets one already
possesses and demonstrates.