*** TRIGGER WARNING: This blog discusses domestic abuse and could be triggering for readers. ***

This is a true story.

The Story of the Phoenix is a great legend that speaks to self-care, rest and recovery. It also speaks to transformation. But before you can get reborn from your ashes. Guess what you have to go through?

I was groomed, not realizing that I was slowly becoming a pile of ashes. I had my son Spenser in my first marriage, sadly, my husband was a drug addict and passed away from the disease. One of the reasons I married my second husband was that he never drank or did any drugs, He also seemed to love Spenser.

What I didn’t see was the red flags popping up. Narcissists are superb at finding their victims’ weaknesses, in my case, my son.

He was an expert manipulator, tore off my layers of confidence, self-esteem and my zest for life extremely skillfully with a mix of blame, guilt, love bombing and verbal abuse… that soon became physical.When I got pregnant, the trap— closed! I saw someone I didn’t recognize, angry, hot tempered and violent, but I had been broken down by a Master, so all I did was blame myself for whatever went wrong, just… like he did.

One afternoon When I was 6 months pregnant, I was making dinner and he, as usual, tried to start a fight. I was exhausted. Told him I needed to take a nap. Left and started climbing the long staircase up to the bedrooms. That triggered him. His profanities rang out through the house, I knew I had to hurry to get out of the way. Ice cold fear gripped me as I heard his angry footsteps, like daggers stabbing the stairs behind me. Closing in.

I was three steps from the top, when he grabbed my left arm, spun me around and shook me. Then he threw me down into my ash pile. And I lost consciousness. I woke up at the bottom of the stairs in excruciating pain. Surrounded by police, medics and firemen, I was frantic about finding out if my child was okay, but they could not find a heartbeat.

They thought I had broken my back, so they couldn’t put me on a stretcher, I was tied to a hard plank. They maneuvered me out of the house, and shoved me into the ambulance feet first, which I realized was so I wouldn’t see my husband who was fighting with the police, trying to enter the ambulance.

“It’s my fucking wife. You can’t take her unless I go with her!”

The policeman who was behind me in the ambulance, protecting me, yelled back to him: “Fine! If you don’t back off. We’ll pull her out and leave her in the driveway.”

I freaked out, crying, trying to get off the plank to convince the cop to not just leave me there: “Don’t leave me! I need to get to the hospital to save my child.” At the time I didn’t know that he was just saying that to get my husband to stop, because he was showing signs of an abuser – one of them, never leaving his victim alone with a cop. Once my husband backed off, the door was closed and we drove off. The cop questioned me – but it seemed like he already knew my story. He was comforting and I nodded YES to all his questions, until he asked if I wanted to file a report against my husband.

I did, he deserved it. But… my 8 year old son Spenser was on his way home.

I didn’t know if my baby was alive, if my back was broken, or how long I would have to stay in the hospital. If I reported my husband and had him arrested…  my abusive husband… he’d make bail and then what do you think would happen to my son?

I didn’t have a choice.

Fortunately, my baby survived, my back was not broken, and today both kids are doing awesome, I divorced my abuser. And I was put in counseling for my PTSD. Being in an abusive relationship is not something I, or anyone else, would have put on our bucket list. I was lucky, I got out. Having my kids to protect more than likely saved my life.

Like the Phoenix, my sons and I have risen from our ashes. Transformed, filled with Gratitude because we are enjoying our freedom. It’s easy to ignore the horrific truth about spousal abuse…It’s not a subject most people want to discuss, especially not the victims.

But it needs to be talked about. It’s insidious, because the victim is usually decimated to nothing, no self-worth, no self-love… completely controlled by their abuser without any friends or financial means.  Making it extremely hard to get out of the relationship. And if they do, many end up like me, scared and homeless.

No one deserves this. Please, support your local domestic violence survivors with donations of clothing, used toys or financial support

Help Phoenixes rise from their ashes.

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

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Lena Pousette

Award winning writer/ producer Lena Pousette specializes in high concept action adventures, thrillers and Sci-fi. She began as an actor on stage, film, and TV. Her curiosity brought her to the interactive world where she became a pioneer in interactive design, writing, producing, and directing. She worked as Director of Development for Time Warner Interactive and Philips POV as well as Creative Director for Mass Media. Lena is currently writing and producing linear films and serial TV and has several projects in development.

As one of the founding members in the Toastmasters group Success Masters, she has written many speeches on attaining success, self-improvement, personal growth, and healing. After receiving comments that these essays could be helpful to other communities, she decided to post them to more accessible blogsites.