How does a real adult date?
I used to act a part on dates. The part of “Real Adult Who Dates, Is Fabulous, and Definitely Has No Trauma.” I still felt like a wounded child inside, but I was sure that I could hide my childhood trauma if I had the sexiest nail polish color or applied my makeup perfectly. If my outfit showed off an appealing figure or my earrings were stunning, Guy Who Asked Me Out for a Cup of Coffee wouldn’t notice that I was messy inside.
I was terrified of what would happen once I told Coffee Guy about my past. Connecting on any serious emotional level was unsafe. I would not let a guy in only for him to conclude that of course I was too much once he saw how big my wounds were.
Signs Your Childhood Trauma Shows Up in Your Dating Life
You may jump right to physical intimacy to please the other person, freak out in shame, and ghost. You may hide parts of yourself or dump all your baggage on the date at once, looking for assurance he’ll accept you. You may avoid physical intimacy or feel unsure if you want that. Is it safe to hold his hand or let him kiss you?
You may need constant reassurance he likes you, even if he has communicated he does. You may feel an urge to cling or to run away at the first sign of trouble.
Maybe you have to drink or get high to be relaxed enough to hook up. It’s okay if you’re a person who won’t refuse anyone who shows interest in you, even if you don’t really like him.
Not getting the proper attunement and attachment in childhood will screw up the way you approach romantic relationships. You may feel ashamed, like you’re different from your peers. You are different because their childhoods weren’t filled with trauma. It doesn’t mean, though, that you too can’t be a real adult in an adult romantic relationship.
Boundaries, Boundaries, Boundaries!
Here’s how I started to be a real adult in romantic relationships: I started making small decisions that felt safe but stretched my window of tolerance.
I figured out what my boundaries were regarding:
-physical intimacy
-paying for meals, other activities on dates
-sharing my story
-opening up about my dreams for the future and my current life
*A note about physical intimacy: you can change your mind AT ANY TIME. It does not matter how long the relationship has been going on or if you’ve agreed to and enjoyed something before.
Talking About Your Trauma with Your Romantic Interest
Sharing your story of trauma can be the most fraught part of dating. Figure out what your boundary is around sharing your story. As you get to know a romantic interest, you get to determine the pace at which you share more. It does not have to be something you control and plan; the point is to think about your boundaries so that you don’t trigger yourself or emotionally dump on him. You can share pieces at a time; whatever amount feels safe for you. A partner who respects you will not press you for information. It can be scary to eventually reveal everything because you may be afraid of him running away. In actuality, sharing in increments can prevent this. At the same time that you’re learning other things about each other, sharing other experiences, you can share about your past. Mixed in with other things, it’s often not as overwhelming for the person receiving it as it would be if you shared it all at once. They can see a full human in front of them who laughs and gets curious and cares instead of one big trauma.
Do not conflate sharing your trauma with emotional intimacy, though. Just because someone is empathetic and listens to you does not mean you’ve created an emotional connection. Real emotional intimacy happens in the moments you have together.
Go as slowly as you need. Something vague to start, such as, “I have some past challenges I’m working on that make me have a harder time than others with getting close.” It’s brave and even vulnerable to share that getting close is a challenge.
The point of sharing your story should also not be for the other person to heal your wound through their love. Even if they want to, they can’t. Their love will never be enough.
Final Thoughts
You don’t have to meet the right person tomorrow and share your life story at the perfect pace. There is no perfect. You are learning a new skill– connecting authentically and romantically with someone. This takes time. You are brave for venturing out to meet someone!
Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash
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Leah Erickson is a certified Martha Beck Wayfinder Life Coach. Through her coaching practice, Becoming Real Life Coaching, Leah helps childhood trauma survivors release shame, get unstuck, and successfully “adult.” She believes it’s never too late to become real and begin to thrive. You can find her on Instagram @becoming_real_coaching or on her website becomingrealcoaching.com which features more of her writing and tools to become your real adult self.
Hi Leah. I’m so glad you wrote this essay. I loved every moment of hearing my truth spoken for me. Absolutely loved it. I usually don’t comment on writings, but yours is an exception for me.
Thank you so much, Jesse. So glad to hear that it resonated with you. Being assured that we aren’t alone in struggling to make connections is one important step in healing.
Well said Leah. Thank you. Take care, Michael
So kind of you, Michael. Thanks!