The holidays are an intense time of reflection for me. I used to have a big family—a big, loud, Hispanic family—we would gather for birthdays, holidays, and random Sunday dinners. My grandmother held the group together with love and community. Those days are long behind us now.
We have been divided by abuse, politics, and unkindness. Some may say that I left, but in a series of numerous triangulations and after a series of “he said”/ “she said” instances, there seemed to be no place to go, and over time, I felt myself squeezed out. I did not try to recruit people to my side or even argue my point. Just as I did in childhood, I turned inward. I held my pain in my hands and cried deeply, and sometimes still do for the family that I “lost”. I put the word “lost” in quotes because if I am honest, it was not “lost”.
I am slowly coming to realize that what I cherished never was
I am slowly coming to realize that what I cherished never was. Upon coming to realize this, I experienced another round of pain and aches. Once again, quite by accident, I fell into another triangulation, and this time, I felt more sadness than longing. This is progress for me. So often, I land in a place of longing and angst before I can allow myself to feel sadness. Today, I process faster; I hide from my own feelings a lot less. I dissociate less often, and I am able to stand in the sadness and pain silently and hold myself.
Progress, I tell myself. I am learning.
One could say I was triggered, and while that is true, I prefer to think of my triggers as lessons and messages from my heart.
What are you saying, dear heart? What have you taught me about who I am and who I want to be?
Sometimes, leaving behind those who hurt us happens instantly, such as in the case of a violent abuser. Other times, letting go is slower, over time, through various efforts and attempts to distance.
It helps to know that we cannot lose what we never had. Knowing this liberates us to feel pain, mourn, and then create what can be.
We are free to create the family we always wanted through friendships built on authenticity and love, but this can only happen if we are open enough to let others in. So, this holiday season, try something new. Open yourself to the possibilities of a new way to embrace the holidays.
Photo by Gaelle Marcel on Unsplash
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In addition to serving as a college administrator in higher education, I am also a Psychology and Sociology Professor. Perhaps, most importantly, like many of you, I am a survivor of abuse and relational trauma. I write to raise awareness about how we can align with the best parts of ourselves. My writing focuses on the social and psychological factors that guide our decision making.
