SPECTRUM
By Jesse B. Donahue 2023©
From all the ranges, both ends to the middle, there is a scale that talks of our likes, interests, and nagging peccadillos. Our behavior, our feelings, and, to some, our intense shame at our own life’s realities registers somewhere on the scale of our authentic humanity. It is 0-10 on the existential measurement ruler. Where do I rate in comparison to you? I have always felt somewhat confused, perhaps even threatened, by the construct of a means of measurement, considering so many expressions and experiences that my identity speaks to me. There are things I do not want to hear or see at varying times and in changing environments of social experiences. Where I stand on the spectrum for much of my life has been… well, if I must be open and honest, the spectrum did not exist.
Now what the hell does that mean exactly? Life experiences taken account of by the awareness or consciousness of humankind tend to exist in a range that sometimes shifts. One moment my feelings toward another person may be non-existent. Sometimes, I may be yearning devilishly for that something or someone distinctly different from other times. But still, issues of emotional experience tend to exist perpetually and yes, again, in varying degrees at varying times, but they generally do not just die out and cease to exist. They tend to shine as a ‘part’ of who we are. For some of us here, too, there are psychological wrenches that can be thrown into the machine of feelings and free expression that leaves us perpetually stuck on acknowledging we are a 0 or a 10 on the socially agreed upon rating scale of our inner and social life.
For many of us, and yes, I speak from personal experience, the spectrum of 0-10 lands boldly in the realm of a 0 or a 10 with little or no awareness allowed for the 1-9’s that do indeed exist. But not in my mind. It is Black and white thinking I have come to realize about myself that transcends, or more to the point, trans-mutates life’s reality of a dynamic living spectrum of feelings. To live in black and white is to deny the reality of one’s self-expression and inner feeling experience not only from others but most keenly from oneself. Safety and protection are found in a mental state that cannot feel the full spectrum of 0-10. It does not exist. My feelings are all this or all that, and this idea of a scale of measurement is just plain silly. I am all those acceptable, appropriate feelings and none of those that are not acceptable. Period. End of discussion. There is no discussion because so often I cannot see the scale… in my blindness.
We are, I am, in the truest sense in the realm of reality, multifaceted, capable of multitudes of emotional reactions to the vast richness of experience life has to throw at us. Self-expression and the self-awareness of personal, spontaneous feelings of the moment can run the gamut of a colorful and diverse, innate range of feelings, all of which are natural and human. Sadly, early in life, I learned survival by pushing away my reality of inner experience. The spectrum, natural and diverse was abandoned; the option of selectivity in what was allowed into my awareness ruled my day, my life. There was no longer a spectrum of vibrant living, feeling witnessing to guide me to self-illumination. Fear dictated an identity that sat stonewalled upon the shattered scale, living inauthentically, rigidly aligned to opposing ends of the now non-existent scale. The process of allowing reality to just happen free-flowingly within… was missing. There was a terrible pain of a toxic neurosis, invading and processing the false world I came to know as, me.
To learn to know, to find, the full spectrum in one’s life, it is freeing. Because, after all, it is YOU that is not allowed to be felt, seen, witnessed… found. To be lost, extinguished from awareness, thus guided, and prompted to emanate to the outside world the stonewall pillars of 0 or 10 on the now nonexistent scale of a colorless reality of self is not life. No life at all. Oh, to allow once again into existence the long-forgotten experience of seeing the human spectrum light up with points of recognition. The 1-9 experiences, calling endlessly from the subconscious, begging for a chance to be known. It will never leave us alone, the wanton hunger of the self to be seen and heard and FELT. It is who we are, and it longs for us to return home, to, once again, feeling.
Photo by Lieselot. on Unsplash
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** Copyright notice. All of my writings are copyrighted and registered with the Library of Congress.
- My name is Jesse Donahue. In 2015, at the age of 58, I took up writing, and since then I’ve written two novels, poems, and essays about my journey struggling with CPTSD. The essays, 70+, were an adjunct to journaling in therapy to amplify my learning and self-understanding.
My writings, which include therapy notes, poems, novels, and essays, are all a part of my ongoing personal therapy. Many of my essays are in a stream-of-consciousness style, unleashing, sharing, and delving into energies that continuously process in my subconscious. My writings, initially, geared for me and my therapist’s eyes only, began with my exposing my thoughts, fears, and feelings (or the lack of) onto paper… a journal of therapy notes. Then, with fear overcome and via a personal decision of choice, I shared them here with the readers. My essays, most all, originate from my weekly therapy notes. My intent and desire is to encourage readers to recognize traits in themselves and find a therapist if they are willing and able to do so. If you are in therapy, ask your therapist to read them and discuss what pertains to you. For some, it can be a long and difficult process over extensive periods to awaken to the unconscious issues that have us acting out in life. Our behavior can seem like dancing to a buried, invisible energy that we are not able to directly see or confront. It is my sincere hope that my insights will assist the reader in the process toward reaching a deeper self-understanding. Bringing the unconscious out into the light of self-awareness, understanding, and acceptance fosters self-love and the process of change.
My published writings with the CPTSD foundation: The Hidden Bugaboo (*recommended). The Beganning. Twelve Days Without Coffee. Learned Helplessness. Cast Out of Eden by Toxic Shame. The Crumbs and The Banquet. What an Outside Appearance may Not Show. Obedience to the Light – Bombs or Love. Stepping Into the Shoes of Who You Are. Personal Honor, Integrity, Dignity, Honesty. Inspirational Tugging – Teachers. Codependency – Overriding the Monster of Self Hate. Surfing the Light Through the Darkness. We are but Storytellers. A Writer’s Brain – The Gift. The Highway of Worries. The Emptiness of Yesterday. The Man Who Lives Under the Bridge. Living in the Dis-World. SPECTRUM.
