Designer Identity
By Jesse B. Donahue 2024 ©
Designer identity… you either love me or you don’t. I either love myself or I don’t. I could not love myself for being something or someone I am not. It just couldn’t, shouldn’t, wouldn’t work, and it never did. I have not loved myself for someone that I have been or am either. Ouch! Who am I? is a painful question for some and can be confusing, if not disappointing.
It is what it is, identity that is. “I Have to Be Me” is far more than just a fancy title to a song, but not as simple as the song suggests. Nor do I mean to suggest an easy path to becoming, or to come to be real. Emotions change in the moment, for me and others like me, they simply are what they are, and at times they are dysregulated.
To hide, lie, cheat, and steal, being someone else’s vision of who I am, can’t work, it never has, but I tried to make a go of it. I am my personal emotional experience, at least partly, at the moment. It must be so, for it has always been, and always shall be. I need to learn to love myself. As I see it, the first step toward loving oneself is learning, listening, and being attentive to oneself. You have been there all along, except that doing battle against one’s inner moment, is the antithesis to openly accepting oneself. There is no war to wage when one is open and true to the moment. And there can be no self-acceptance and self-love consumed in the engagement of, an ongoing personal enforcement of someone else’s conception of their designer identity, culture, that is supposed to fit you. Re-read that last sentence until it is clear. It is a mouthful, and a mindful to be sure.
To be authentic to your moment is by design, a fancy designer identity. I mean think about it, is it not? We simply just do not need to, nor can we fit into everyone else’s box at every moment. The feelings stirring within me, are who I am, making up the fabric of being, my being. They are what they are, and to insist they are not is to wage a lifelong inner war against one’s very… being. Being me, you being you. I have tried to be you or the mental conception of who I think you are or want me to be. It just doesn’t work. You know that and I know that, so why, oh why, do we insist you (as in other than me) are my God-all-mighty and the creative genius you are not? To stop, look within, and allow yourself to feel the free-flowing emotions you are having at the moment… STOP! That is your designer moment, the creative genius that YOU are, unparalleled. You are so incredibly talented and creative, and all you must do is stop to look, feel, and listen, inside. Yes, that actually does make you a bit of a genius. Stop, recognize, and be clear; we have become human DOINGS in the face of and denial of the BEINGS that we are. Why is that so difficult? Because I cannot ‘feel’ what I am feeling anymore. A bit of a contradiction in terms, but a truth, nonetheless. A human doing, ordained out of fear, fear of experiencing taboo emotions, or just having been told our feelings are wrong, or bad. Falsely seeing via self-delusion, an inner emotional life, a self, which is not fit to be loved and accepted. I do not FIT into those others’ creative identity designs, so something must be wrong with me. No! Something is wrong with them for expecting us to, along with how we misperceive. Potentially, we have been psychologically twisted into a human pretzel of someone else’s identity design, which includes their expectations of us.
If I continue to attempt to be what and who you and I now expect me to be… I must shut down the authentic feelings that stir within me. I must hide from WHO I AM; the free-spirited emotions in the moment. Stop, look inside, and feel? A lifetime of hiding from what I emotionally experience makes that quest of becoming aware a sometimes torturous journey. Changing, coming to be, and knowing who we really are, is the path of a genius, an authentic human being. How would it not be an act of genius, to change from an inauthentic human doing, to an authentic awakening human Being? A single, life-resolute, internal adventure of coming to know who we really are is a life and a destination worth achieving. To avoid doing so is a haunting lie that is truly not a worthwhile life. There is an imperative in life to awaken. That is the calling from God, to awaken to our authenticity, and not to hide from ourselves, nor be someone or something we are not. Most of us do not fit into our culture’s emotionally enforced, expected cookie-cutter boxes. Is it okay to be unique and different? Yes, of course. I AM; it is what it is and cannot be anything else.
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** Copyright notice. All of my writings are copyrighted and registered with the Library of Congress.
- My name is Jesse Donahue. In 2015, at the age of 58, I took up writing, and since then I’ve written two novels, poems, and essays about my journey struggling with CPTSD. The essays, 70+, were an adjunct to journaling in therapy to amplify my learning and self-understanding.
My writings, which include therapy notes, poems, novels, and essays, are all a part of my ongoing personal therapy. Many of my essays are in a stream-of-consciousness style, unleashing, sharing, and delving into energies that continuously process in my subconscious. My writings, initially, geared for me and my therapist’s eyes only, began with my exposing my thoughts, fears, and feelings (or the lack of) onto paper… a journal of therapy notes. Then, with fear overcome and via a personal decision of choice, I shared them here with the readers. My essays, most all, originate from my weekly therapy notes. My intent and desire is to encourage readers to recognize traits in themselves and find a therapist if they are willing and able to do so. If you are in therapy, ask your therapist to read them and discuss what pertains to you. For some, it can be a long and difficult process over extensive periods to awaken to the unconscious issues that have us acting out in life. Our behavior can seem like dancing to a buried, invisible energy that we are not able to directly see or confront. It is my sincere hope that my insights will assist the reader in the process toward reaching a deeper self-understanding. Bringing the unconscious out into the light of self-awareness, understanding, and acceptance fosters self-love and the process of change.
My published writings with the CPTSD foundation: The Hidden Bugaboo (*recommended). The Beganning. Twelve Days Without Coffee. Learned Helplessness. Cast Out of Eden by Toxic Shame. The Crumbs and The Banquet. What an Outside Appearance may Not Show. Obedience to the Light – Bombs or Love. Stepping Into the Shoes of Who You Are. Personal Honor, Integrity, Dignity, Honesty. Inspirational Tugging – Teachers. Codependency – Overriding the Monster of Self Hate. Surfing the Light Through the Darkness. We are but Storytellers. A Writer’s Brain – The Gift. The Highway of Worries. The Emptiness of Yesterday. The Man Who Lives Under the Bridge. Living in the Dis-World. SPECTRUM.
