Hey, how are you feeling today? Have you taken some time for yourself today? If you are a survivor of trauma and abuse, the answer is probably not. As survivors, the last person we think about is ourselves because we have spent years being suppressed into believing that we don’t exist, that we are nothing, and that we deserve nothing. These are the usual themes of how an abuser asserts control over us, and the damage from hearing that we do not matter and that we have no voice is deeply ingrained into our souls. It doesn’t matter if decades have passed since you left home; that core self-image was shattered well before your personality had taken form. This is why we never stop to think about ourselves.
In this article, I want to address the issue of self-image after suffering child abuse and how this deep wound is difficult to heal.
Let’s start with an exercise:
Look in a full-length mirror where you can see your whole body. If you don’t have one at home, plenty of stores have them. I want you to linger in front of the mirror and look at yourself. What do you see? Who do you see? What does your face look like? Are you smiling or do you have a sad face? What does this tell you about the image in the mirror? Who is this person in the mirror? Where have you been today?
Next, look at your body. What do you see? What are you wearing? Why did you wear those clothes today? How do they make you feel?
When we have a disconnect between ourselves and the world, we don’t always pause to think about what we look like.
Now, back to my first question: How are you feeling today?
Did you find those questions difficult to answer? Why do you think that is?
In our busy world, we rarely take the time to pause and simply be for a while. We’re so busy that we often eat our lunch at our desks, and we might even work through lunch. Our calendars are so full that we cannot afford to stop, and it is no wonder that we get sick from stress. Taking time to notice how we feel is so far down our agenda that we forget to “feel.” It is no wonder that if we cannot “feel,” we also forget who we are.
I want you to look into that mirror one more time. This time, look into your eyes. Someone once told me that eyes are like windows in the soul. What do you see in your eyes? Can you see the emotional pain that you are in? If you can see it, then maybe you can start to understand that the pain is there. You were deeply hurt, but your life is not over, far from it. You matter, and you still have many sunrises to discover. There is so much that your eyes can tell you, and if you look even closer at your image, there is a road map laid out in front of you. It’s like a red carpet that shows you where you have been. Every bruise, scar, and wrinkle has a story. They matter, every single one matters because they are yours. They tell the exact truth of how much you have had to endure in the past. How brave you were to overcome the abuse, to stand here in this moment and look at yourself.
My therapist asked me a while back who I see when I look in the mirror, and I found myself not being able to answer. Then she changed the question and asked me to tell me how other people saw me. I found that tricky, too, and she had to break it down for me into labels. (Wife, Mom, author, teacher, etc.) If you are finding it tricky to think of who you are, then turn it around and think about how other people see you.
Think about everything that you have achieved so far, and be proud of every stepping stone it took to get there. I’m not just talking about academics here, but anything you have achieved, no matter how small, is still something. Where have you been and what kind of people did you meet along the way? You should feel proud of who you are, wherever your life is in this moment. You survived, and your body is your story. From now on, you have a choice of where you want to go next. You are free to make that choice, and nobody can tell you what to do and how to do it. You are free.
I know these words are hard to read because if you are anything like me, you don’t believe in yourself. It is hard to feel proud of anything when it doesn’t come naturally. What do we say to our kids when they cannot do something at first? Well, we ask them to try again, and again, and again. We tell them that by practicing something, eventually they will get better and succeed. So, take another look in that mirror and practice telling yourself that you matter, and you should feel proud of who you are.
Believe it and you will achieve it!
Photo by Giorgio Trovato on Unsplash
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For more about me: https://www.elizabethwoodsauthor.com
Elizabeth Woods grew up in a world of brutal sex offenders, murderers, and inconceivably neglectful adults. She suffered sexual abuse throughout her childhood and witnessed unspeakable events. Elizabeth survived in an environment where most people would not. She is now able to help other survivors heal from trauma through her writing and blogs. Elizabeth is passionate about spreading awareness of what it is like to survive after trauma. There is always hope.
Elizabeth is the author of several books and has written her memoir, telling her childhood story: The Sex-Offender’s Daughter: A True Story of Survival Against All Odds, available on Amazon Kindle and paperback.
Elizabeth is also the author of “Living with Complex PTSD” and the Cedar’s Port Fiction series: “Saving Joshua”, “Protecting Sarah”, “Guarding Noah” and “Bringing Back Faith” available here: https://www.amazon.com/stores/author/B0BCBZQN7L/allbooks?ingress=0&visitId=7e223b5b-1a29-45f0-ad9d-e9c8fdb59e9c&ref_=ap_rdr&ccs_id=931f96e2-c220-4765-acc8-cc99bb95e8bd
Cried as I read this, I felt every word, and continue to try over and over again. Thank you for sharing this.