Going about daily life living with CPTSD is a herculean feat in and of itself
Both external and internal triggers can spark memories, emotional volatility, and mistrust. Feeling secure and grounded in the present moment can feel fleeting. Chronic illness, even a cold or flu, can make everything worse. Illness can compound CPTSD symptoms. (Boscarino, 2004)
The physical and emotional pain entwined in CPTSD and physical illness can feel impossible to articulate. It, the pain, can trigger emotional flashbacks – feelings of vulnerability, a loss of agency, a loss of control. You might feel betrayed by your body. Angry. Hopeless.
Being high-achieving is a tempting hamster wheel because it works, until it doesn’t
Survivors may even be stuck in a catch-22. Being sick can be triggering, and rest can be triggering. Stillness isn’t always comfortable. Exhaustion can feel unsafe. For some, being busy, busy, busy can be a defense mechanism. It makes sense. If you keep running, you never have time to sit with memories. Except that’s not how life works, or how bodies work. Being high-achieving is a tempting hamster wheel because it works, until it doesn’t. Being ill, especially a chronic physical condition, can be especially destabilizing for folks who’ve gotten by on the hamster wheel. Not being able to physically do what you’re used to, or want to do, can trigger flashbacks and cause mood swings.
What then? How can you express that duality when you’re flooded with traumatic memories? How can you communicate with loved ones or advocate for yourself in medical settings when fear compresses the nervous system from all sides?
I don’t have a radical solution, except awareness. You are not alone if physical illness brings up CPTSD symptoms. There is nothing wrong with you if rest isn’t restful.
People have all sorts of “helpful advice” for rest or healing. Some of it may resonate. Often, advice sounds like condescension. Meditation, yoga, and Epsom salt baths might work for some people. They may really not work for others. The mental health space frequently discusses embodiment. But what if to be embodied is to feel tremendous pain? Why would anyone want that? I do believe that exercise and meditation, at whatever pace and intensity feels right to you, can be powerful. But I think it’s disingenuous at best, and harmful at worst, to promote mindfulness-grounding-techniques as a catchall. They’re not.
For some, it may be physically impossible to engage in specific somatic techniques. Or a lack of visibility may prevent some from attempting exercise. For some, even if physical activity is possible, it can incite emotional flashbacks.
I’ve cried in yoga. I say that with honesty and (very) little self-judgment. I was stretching, and then I was in tears. I can’t pinpoint specific memories that arose, just a feeling. My chest felt heavy and full, my arms were flexed, and most importantly, I felt safe. I trusted my yoga teacher. I knew no one else in the room was really paying attention to me. It was a pivotal moment for me. I allowed myself to feel, and my emotions weren’t chastised.
For a long time before that class, I didn’t allow myself to engage in physical activity in a way that felt genuine to me. For one, I didn’t know what that would be like. For another, it didn’t feel safe. I learned that really moving would mean unleashing something inside of me. Coming face-to-face with truth…we have good reasons for our defenses.
To live with CPTSD is to feel the world in technicolor. Uncertainty is saturated. Mistrust is amplified.
Beyond CPTSD, to be contradictory is to be human. Yoga might sound good in theory, but discomfort and uncertainty may arise in practice. Or, to yearn for close relationships and feel uncertainty, ambiguity, and mistrust. To live with CPTSD is to feel the world in technicolor. Uncertainty is saturated. Mistrust is amplified.
How could it not be?
Chronic conditions call for a change in routines. They can cause folks to reconsider their identities and what they value. Experiencing physical symptoms without having a clear diagnosis, or worse, a misdiagnosis, can be destabilizing.
Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Endometriosis, IBS, Crohn’s Disease, to name just a small handful, can alter daily lives in profound ways. Experiencing shifts in schedules can be destabilizing. Being dismissed in clinical settings is all too common. Not everyone has the capacity or ability to advocate for themselves. And much more to the point, no one should have to advocate for basic needs! Until that’s a reality, honest, difficult conversations matter. Representation matters. Again, you are not alone if you are managing chronic physical conditions as well as CPTSD.
PMS and PMDD symptoms can mirror CPTSD ones. This can be especially distressing if you’ve been managing CPTSD symptoms. PMDD can feel like a new wave of re-experiencing trauma. While PMDD is defined as a “severe form of premenstrual syndrome” characterized by mood swings, suicidality, difficulty concentrating, sleep disturbances, changes in appetite, and feeling overwhelmed, it is not readily discussed in most medical practices (Johns Hopkins). This may lead to further misdiagnosis and/or dismissal of your lived experiences, which can further trigger CPTSD symptoms.
Again, I wish I could offer some radical solution to the painful, confusing intersection of physical illness and CPTSD. Compassion can be radical. But that feels pretty theoretical for an article about the messiness, the loneliness, the isolation, the stigma, the medical gaslighting inherent to illness. Whoever you are, however your symptoms manifest now, or down the road, you are not alone.
Boscarino, J. A. (2004). Posttraumatic stress disorder and physical illness: Results from clinical
and epidemiologic studies. Annals of the New York Academy of Sciences, 1032(1), 141‑153. https://doi.org/10.1196/annals.1314.011 PubMed
Johns Hopkins Medicine. (n.d.). Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD).
https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/conditions-and-diseases/premenstrual-dysphoric-disorder-pmdd
Photo by Matteo Vistocco on Unsplash
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