When Christmas Hurts: Why the Holidays Trigger Trauma

When Christmas Hurts: Why the Holidays Trigger Trauma — and How Survivors Can Find Peace

I had made it all the way from Europe to the United States, landing at JFK International Airport in New York City with a newborn baby in tow. I was a wreck. My husband, stationed in Germany with the Air Force, couldn’t get leave, so I boarded the seven-hour flight alone. Of course, the flight had arrived late, and I was stranded in New York overnight.

Exhausted, I finally located the United Service Organization (USO) office in the airport. They helped me navigate the maze at JFK and set me up with a hotel for the night. Terrified I’d oversleep and miss my connecting flight to Virginia, I did not rest. The responsibility of my first baby, the long journey alone, and the reason I was coming home towered like a dark, ominous wall.

My father had called to say my mother was having a “nervous breakdown,”  triggering my scapegoat conditioning to rear its ugly head. I had no choice but to go home. My father didn’t even need to ask; he knew my response would be automatic. Everything rested on my shoulders. It didn’t matter that I would have to make a transatlantic flight alone, or that I had just had a baby.  

I arrived to find my mother despondent, and that many of the cards I had so carefully crafted and mailed from Europe were unopened and thrown in the trash. 

It was the same old message: fix me, this is your responsibility, and by the way, nothing you do will be enough. No acknowledgment of my long journey, and barely a hello to my baby. This was the way it had always been, and how it would continue to be until my parents’ death. 

Such is the dilemma for survivors of childhood trauma. Damned if you do, and damned if you don’t, also known as the double bind. This is a core reason as to why the holidays can be so difficult for us.

Christmas and the holiday season trigger emotional collapse. We experience the return of old roles, old wounds, old obligations, and old versions of ourselves we worked so hard to escape.

The holidays don’t just stir memories. They awaken the parts of us that were frozen in time: the child or adolescent who once believed it was their job to hold the family together, rescue the adults, or absorb the emotional fallout.

And so every December, survivors all over the world feel dread they can’t explain, guilt they didn’t earn, and emotional activation that feels out of proportion to the reality of the moment.

If this sounds familiar, nothing is wrong with you.
Your nervous system is remembering.

Why does Christmas trigger childhood trauma so intensely?

1. Christmas is an attachment holiday–and attachment is where the trauma happened

Christmas is built around:

• family togetherness
• belonging
• stability
• warmth
• predictable love

But if your childhood home was filled with chaos, neglect, manipulation, or emotional abuse, Christmas becomes a mirror reflecting everything you never had.

This alone can trigger profound grief, dread, or emotional activation.

2. Frozen-in-time parts wake up

Trauma survivors carry younger “parts” inside them—child selves who never got to grow up because the environment was unsafe.

Christmas awakens those parts.

The smells, the music, the rituals, and the pressure all connect directly to childhood. Suddenly, you may feel:

• small
• helpless
• responsible for everyone else’s mood
• guilty
• anxious
• terrified of disappointing someone
• obligated to perform

You’re not regressing.
Your nervous system is remembering.

3. Old roles snap back into place

Every dysfunctional family assigns roles:

• The Scapegoat
• The Golden Child
• The Peacemaker
• The Invisible One
• The Responsible One

Even at 50 or 60 years old, walking through your parents’ door can make your brain revert to the role it learned at age four.

It’s automatic.
It’s somatic.
And it’s profoundly triggering.

4. Holiday guilt is a weapon in dysfunctional families 

Statements like:

• “You’re ruining Christmas.”
• “Family is everything—you owe us.”
• “If you loved us, you’d be here.”

These are not expressions of love.
They are tools of control.

And the holidays are when manipulative families use them most effectively.

5. Religious trauma intensifies everything g

If faith was used to:

• control
• shame
• silence
• manipulate
• pressure you into compliance

Then Christmas doesn’t feel holy.

A spiritual holiday becomes an emotional trigger.

6. The cultural myth of the “perfect family Christmas” deepens shame

Movies, commercials, and church services all push one message:

“Everyone has a warm, loving family at Christmas.”

Survivors think:

• Why couldn’t my family be like that?
• What’s wrong with me?
• Why can’t I tolerate them?

This shame is not yours.
It comes from the collision between reality and fantasy.

7. Even no-contact survivors feel the echo of old conditioning 

Going no-contact removes the danger.
However, it doesn’t immediately erase:

• guilt
• grief
• longing
• old neural pathways
• the fantasy that “maybe this year will be different

The holidays can stir these emotions even years after leaving the family system.

This is normal.

What You Can Do to Navigate the Holidays

1. Set boundaries beforehand

Decide ahead of time:

• How long you’ll stay
• who you’ll sit near
• What topics are off limits
• when and how you will leave

Boundaries are preventative medicine–not emergency care.

2. Stay in your adult self

Before you walk in, gently remind yourself:

• “I am an adult.”
• “Their reactions are not my responsibility.”
• “I can choose what I engage with.”

Your childhood instincts may activate, but your adult self is in charge now.

3. Spend less time than you think you should

Two hours can be healthier than an entire day.

Quality is more important than endurance.

4. Don’t be alone with the most manipulative people

This one simple choice prevents half of the emotional ambushes survivors experience.

5. Have an exit plan

You do not need permission to leave.

Your well-being matters.

How to Navigate Christmas If You’re No-Contact

1. Remember why you chose no-contact

Write it down if needed:

• the abuse
• the manipulation
• the gaslighting
• the emotional toll
• the years of harm

You didn’t leave because you were weak.
You left because you finally became strong.

2. Understand that guilt is conditioning, not truth

Guilt in dysfunctional families is:

• taught
• reinforced
• expected

Feeling guilty does not mean you did anything wrong.

3. Allow grief

Grief for the family you never had is not a sign that you made the wrong choice.
It is a sign your heart is healing.

4. Create new traditions

This rewires your nervous system.

New traditions can be:

• Rodeo on Christmas Day
• quiet dinners
• staying home in pajamas
• candlelight and prayer
• movies
• volunteering
• baking
• going out into nature

Your traditions don’t have to resemble anyone else’s.

On the surface, these lists seem simple. I know from personal experience how much suffering, sorrow, and struggle they represent. It takes time to recover from your holidays, and it takes patience to reclaim peace. You deserve to be able to defy trauma and find joy this holiday season–and all through the year.

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Photo by Tim Graf on Unsplash

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