The Birth of the High Performer

Some children become adults before anyone notices they were children. 

They are not always the loudest child in the room. They are not always the child getting into trouble, asking for attention, or making their needs impossible to ignore. Often, they are the child who figures things out. The child who watches the room before entering it. The child who notices the shift in a parent’s voice, the tension at the dinner table, the bill left unopened, the sibling who needs help, the adult who is close to unraveling. They become useful early. 

They learn which emotions are safe to show and which ones make things worse. They learn when to stay quiet, when to intervene, when to comfort, when to disappear, and when to perform being fine. They become fluent in the needs of others long before they are given language for their own. And because they are capable, people stop worrying. Nobody worries about the responsible one. 

I was the responsible one. There was never a question when it was time to deliver a report card.

Test days were stress-free for my family, though I was filled with anxiety. The anxiety wasn’t related to the material; it was related to reactions from my family if I were to somehow obtain anything less than a perfect score. On the field, the court, the diamond or in the pool I was the athlete that was the leader. Game day nerves were never an issue, going home nerves were. Sports were my escape from the physical and emotional tension in my home. A standout scholar and athlete, I was exactly what my biological family wanted in their eldest child. 

As I moved forward in life, this became, quite naturally, my reason for living, my role, and my job. Afterall, as early as the age of 5 I was the problem solver, the little adult. The hypervigilance and ability to see detail beyond what my peers could see always served me well as a child and continued into adulthood. There is something about a young life that has learned awareness and attention to detail before they can even speak that causes them to be counted among the best of recruits as adults.

There is a level of maturity, a leadership quality, that doesn’t exist with people of their own age and background. Rarely does anyone stop to ask what it costs a child to become that composed. It is these and other associated qualities that employers look for in candidates. Paper credentials were important to show educational achievement, but the unspoken, unwritten qualities of adaptability, awareness, and foresight have been valued as equally (at times even more) important. While my teachers called these qualities leadership, the adults in my life called them maturity and manners, and employers call it executive presence.  

This is where many high performers begin. While the details of our story may differ, the responsibility often arrived long before we were ready for it.  

For many of us, those early experiences became the foundation for qualities that would later be celebrated. In the world of Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, or CPTSD, these adaptations are often viewed through a clinical lens. Yet for many high performers, they are simply the way we have always moved through the world.

We become so accustomed to carrying responsibility that it feels less like a choice and more like a fundamental part of who we are. 

As this series unfolds, I want to explore that reality with curiosity rather than judgment. Not everyone who experienced adversity develops CPTSD, and no two stories are exactly alike. What I have found, both in my own life and in my work with high-performing professionals, is that many of us have spent years refining skills that helped us survive while rarely examining what those same skills cost us.

The ability to remain composed, productive, and dependable can open remarkable doors in our careers and relationships. It can also make it difficult to recognize when we are exhausted, disconnected, or carrying burdens that no longer belong to us. Understanding that tension is where this conversation begins, and it is where we will continue next. 

I’m curious. Were you the responsible one growing up? If so, what is one thing you’ve had to learn as an adult that responsibility never taught you? 

May your capacity never come at the expense of your peace. 

-Oak 

Photo Credit: Unsplash

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